33. "It was the death of what I had come to know as me." With Bill Newgent

33. "It was the death of what I had come to know as me." With Bill Newgent

Bill’s dark night began after a period of upheaval, in which he lost his long-standing relationship and his previously-successful business. Having met his new partner, and terrified of being loved, he began to face a lifetime of abandonments, and all the versions of himself that he’d made in order to survive them. A profound period of intensity followed – “divine spiritual psychedelic writhing intensity” – during which his survival identities began to unravel, and his “made self” collapsed. Amongst many other things, Bill and I discuss the caution required to talk about our experiences; the death throes of the hope that we might eventually become enough; and trying to become what we thought we needed to be. We talk about trying to make better versions of ourselves; spiritualising and condescension veiled as kindness; and the doorway of not knowing. We also touch on using knowledge as a way to try to be safe; how the “echoes of patterns” and the unwinding continue; and developing “spiritual musculature.” Finally, we mention getting ourselves out of the way; being shown the beliefs that “we’re hanging on to”; acknowedging that “sometimes, shit hurts”; and ultimately having “the willingness to walk through it.” Bill Newgent writes and coaches about unlearning – helping exhausted high-achievers stop earning their worth and remembering they already have it. Drawing from decades of study, spiritual training, and lived experience of building and losing everything, his approach integrates Jungian psychology, masculine-feminine balance, and the recognition that what we seek isn’t missing – it’s hidden beneath our identities and the beliefs we build around them. He writes as a fellow traveller, not guru, and embraces real-world spirituality. His spiritual memoir, Unlearning Myself: A Journey Back to Inner Wisdom and Peace [https://unlearningmyself.com/book], is available now, and was written as an invitation or companion for those who are willing. Connect with Bill [https://unlearningmyself.com/] Fiona Robertson is the author of The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence, and Eve Was a Realist: Poems for the Untamed Heart. She works one to one with people who are going through a dark night or spiritual emergency, accompanying them in this challenging terrain as they rediscover and deepen into their real selves. She also offers a monthly dark night gathering group, and occasional workshops for therapists and counsellors. Connect with Fiona [https://www.thedarknightofthesoul.com/] If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share. You’re welcome to contact The Dark Night of the Soul Unwrapped via email: darknightunwrapped@gmail.com [darknightunwrapped@gmail.com] Music by James Waring / Design by Adam McKillop / Artwork by Stefan Armoneit

32. "There was this huge scream already building inside me." With Tam Martin Fowles

*Please note that this episode contains descriptions of suicidal ideation. Tam had a series of dark nights, the “big one” being a spiritual emergency and its aftershocks that started when she was in her late twenties. Beset with social issues, including homelessness, her “grip on consensus reality” began to falter. Soon, a “curtain came down” in her conscious mind and she found herself in a horrifying hellscape, facing her deepest fears. Having been told she was evil from a young age, the child part of her was “still there and still terrified.” Trying to navigate her way through a psychosis diagnosis, doctors, and medication, she eventually met a psychiatrist who saw her as a human being and turned her life around. Amongst many other things, Tam and I talk about the multitudes within; the nature of the shadow and the stuff that gets “pushed beneath the surface”; and having incredible insights into “the secrets of the universe.” We touch on the moment in which “any possibility of suicide was gone”; rediscovering our indigeneity and becoming one with the land; and “the lid flying off the pressure cooker.” We discuss the nature of spiritual emergency and its preciousness and meaning; flipping between realities and dimensions, and the Kahlil Gibran quote that carried her through. Tam Martin Fowles is a London-based nana, wife, mum, writer, international facilitator, trainer, lecturer and consultant. A psychosis diagnosis at age 29, which she later came to understand as a spiritual emergency, has informed her life and work, engendering a fascination with the phenomenology of consciousness, and commitment to challenging the paradigm surrounding mental health distress. Tam is founding director of Hope in the Heart CIC [https://www.hopeintheheart.org/] and a co-founder of the MadPsychedelics Collaboratory [https://www.madpsychedelics.com/]. Fiona Robertson is the author of The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence, and Eve Was a Realist: Poems for the Untamed Heart. She works one to one with people who are going through a dark night or spiritual emergency, accompanying them in this challenging terrain as they rediscover and deepen into their real selves. She also offers a monthly dark night gathering group, and occasional workshops for therapists and counsellors. Connect with Fiona [https://www.thedarknightofthesoul.com/] Mentions Tam quotes this line from Kahlil Gibran’s poem, On Pain. “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.” If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share. You’re welcome to contact The Dark Night of the Soul Unwrapped via email: darknightunwrapped@gmail.com [darknightunwrapped@gmail.com] Music by James Waring / Design by Adam McKillop / Artwork by Stefan Armoneit

31. "Love is your birthright." With Letia Perry

Letia’s dark night of the soul was preceded by the realisation that she hadn’t been honouring “a big part” of herself. Already initiated as a Navajo Medicine Woman, she eventually embarked on the path of sacred sexuality, and discovered “the missing piece” – eros, the energy of desire and creation. She then spent a year doing deep shadow work, facing her self-sabotaging behaviours and old identities. The process culminated in a profound dark night experience, during which she had no choice but to surrender as her body released. She found herself spontaneously forgiving her brother’s murderer, and subsequently went through a rebirth more painful than actual birth; “I was giving birth while being born.” Amongst many other things, we talk about the realities of shadow work, including weaving and failing; the “spiritual flu” and how “hard core emotional expression” depletes the body; and feeling hollow. We touch on mourning the only version of ourselves we’ve ever known; building a new self; and the importance of boundaries and anchors. We ponder on the true nature of forgiveness, and why it can’t be forced; meeting our inner child; and collective and individual soul sickness. We also mention (and laugh about) having to learn patience; moving slowly, and coming back to ourselves. Letia Perry is a Navajo Medicine Woman, breathwork coach, shadow work guide, Foundation Training instructor, and Sacred Sexual Healer with over 10,000 hours of holding space. She delivers what many call the most powerful breathwork experience in the world. Author of Sacred Flirtship and creator of the world's first handmade Navajo language busy book for children, she bridges ancient indigenous wisdom with embodied healing, guiding souls through the deepest transformations. Connect with Letia [https://linktr.ee/thenavajobreathcoach] Connect with Letia on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/the_navajo_breathcoach_forever/] Fiona Robertson is the author of The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence, and Eve Was a Realist: Poems for the Untamed Heart. She works one to one with people who are going through a dark night or spiritual emergency, accompanying them in this challenging terrain as they rediscover and deepen into their real selves. She also offers a monthly dark night gathering group, and occasional workshops for therapists and counsellors. Connect with Fiona [https://www.thedarknightofthesoul.com/] If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share. You’re welcome to contact The Dark Night of the Soul Unwrapped via email: darknightunwrapped@gmail.com [darknightunwrapped@gmail.com] Music by James Waring / Design by Adam McKillop / Artwork by Stefan Armoneit

30. "My body just said, no more." With Andrea Wachter

Andrea has had a few dark nights, the first of which were focussed around an eating disorder. Growing up in a family – and a culture – obsessed with appearance, she struggled with self-criticism and rampant perfectionism, and was “lost in shame for decades.” She searched for help for a long time, and eventually came to realise that, while she had believed her body to be the problem, it was actually her thinking that was disordered. Gradually, “the iceberg of programmes and self-hatred began to melt.” Andrea’s second dark night almost took her life. She got physically sick, and “was in a puddle of zero energy.” Slowly, she began to hear her body’s whispers, and came out of the grip of perfectionism into kindness. Amongst many other things, Andrea and I talk about feeling the buried feelings that “got stuffed down”; some things needing to die and others needing to be born; and discovering our innate wisdom. We touch on tending to the breed that we are; honouring our nervous systems; and the biochemistry of old programming. We also discuss borrowing hope from those who “have been where you are and gotten through it”; realising that something is being asked of you; and blooming where we’re planted. Andrea Wachter, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and meditation teacher who is passionate about helping people overcome anxiety, depression, disordered eating, body image issues, and relationship conflicts. Drawing from professional expertise, personal recovery, and a good dose of humor, Andrea brings compassion and practical tools to her work with others. She offers a variety of affordable online courses and free guided meditations that provide a wide range of strategies for healing, growth, and meaningful change. Connect with Andrea [https://andreawachter.com/] Fiona Robertson is the author of The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence, and Eve Was a Realist: Poems for the Untamed Heart. She works one to one with people who are going through a dark night or spiritual emergency, accompanying them in this challenging terrain as they rediscover and deepen into their real selves. She also offers a monthly dark night gathering group, and occasional workshops for therapists and counsellors. Connect with Fiona [https://www.thedarknightofthesoul.com/] If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share. You’re welcome to contact The Dark Night of the Soul Unwrapped via email: darknightunwrapped@gmail.com [darknightunwrapped@gmail.com] Music by James Waring / Design by Adam McKillop / Artwork by Stefan Armoneit

29. "I think it was necessary to break it all." With Anna Teggelaar

Anna’s dark night began in 2012. Facing a potential cancer diagnosis, her system – which had been in survival mode since childhood and her mother’s illness – crashed overnight. She experienced intense anxiety, terror and suffering, and thought she was going crazy – she “had no clue what was happening.” After six months, a friend lent her a book by Eckhart Tolle, and she started to understand that she was reconnecting with a deeper part of herself. Slowly, she realised that she was carrying intergenerational trauma, and that there was an intelligence to the process. Amongst many other things, Anna and I talk about being unravelled and undone; the role of resistance; and learning how to stay with ourselves. We mention the uniqueness of each person’s journey, and how much we stumbled around; gradually moving towards greater wholeness; and touching into the deeper mystical level. We discuss meeting the shadow; wanting to be perfect; and the compassion that comes with seeing the actual nature of things. We also talk about our individual and collective madness, and how “we’re waking up from thousands of years of insanity.” Finally, we touch on love and power; becoming self-led; and knowing that – ultimately – the dark night is good news. Anna Teggelaar guides people in self-healing and embodied inner work, helping them to make the process their own. Her work is rooted in the self-healing capacity of consciousness, and supports the integration of conditioning and stored emotional energy, so you can live more freely and from the heart. What began as her dark night of the soul in 2012 grew into a deep passion for the transformation of human consciousness. She offers online sessions, writes about healing, and has developed three practical guides to make inner work accessible and grounded in everyday life. Connect with Anna [https://www.thehumanconditioning.com/] Fiona Robertson is the author of The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence, and Eve Was a Realist: Poems for the Untamed Heart. She works one to one with people who are going through a dark night or spiritual emergency, accompanying them in this challenging terrain as they rediscover and deepen into their real selves. She also offers a monthly dark night gathering group, and occasional workshops for therapists and counsellors. Connect with Fiona [https://www.thedarknightofthesoul.com/] If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share. You’re welcome to contact The Dark Night of the Soul Unwrapped via email: darknightunwrapped@gmail.com [darknightunwrapped@gmail.com] Music by James Waring / Design by Adam McKillop / Artwork by Stefan Armoneit