Why Am I Here, and He Is Not? A Father’s Journey to Make Sense of Loss, Love, and Hope

Episode 6: Love, Loss and Hope Live Together

In the journal entries that Larry reads in this episode, his great loss and sadness is evident along with immense love and the hope that he and his family can keep moving forward with Alex forever in their hearts and soul.  He reaches out to Alex to help them do just that.   Larry reflects the challenge of celebrating his milestone birthday with a huge hole in life and then, just a few weeks later, Arleen’s “first since…” birthday.  The pain, the honesty, the recognition that he and his family have a new reality, the need to move forward, and the joy of having so many great memories of Alex resonate throughout the episode. Larry wishes to thank his family, his friends, Toronto Mike, his various counselors and grief groups, his beautiful Granddaughter for being his inspiration, and Rita and Arleen for being there and being strong. The music heard throughout this podcast series comes from the music video “Salute ft J Relentless, LA (Alex), Peace Omega.  Thank you to everyone involved in the making of the video and for dedicating it to my son.  His music, his words, his essence lives on.

Episode 5: Memories Are Everywhere

Memories of good times and of specific events are now the way Larry connects with his son.  Thoughts of Alex, his childhood in the neighborhood, and his many sports accomplishments are now viewed with a bittersweet perspective.  Memories-the good ones and the bad ones-are triggered by many everyday sights and sounds. Larry explains, in another letter to his son, about how he reflects on his son’s life by looking at hundreds of pictures stored in the cloud.

Episode 4: A Letter To My Boy

In this episode, Larry reflects on the new stresses in his life since Alex died and on the intensity of his memory flashbacks.  Through a letter addressed to his son and the journal entries he reads, his sorrow, anger, resolve, and love for his granddaughter are evident in his voice. He also recounts his memories of Canada Day in the past and now in the reality of today,   That was a day that was so important to Alex.

Episode 3: Confusion, Adjustments, and “What Ifs”

As Larry’s journey continued, he faced doubt, guilt, and deep sadness.  He writes about going through the “what if…..” exercise, knowing that it is not there that he will find any answers. He does strive to honour his son by giving some of his stuff, like some of his many hats, to friends and family so that they have something that was important to him.

Episode 2: Everything Changes

As the new reality of his life starts to emerge everywhere in the early days and weeks of the journey, Larry reflects on some of those changes and how he is coping.  His granddaughter’s first birthday came just weeks after her Daddy died and Larry writes about trying to come to terms with Joy and sadness happening at the same time at her birthday celebration.