BONUS: Emergency Produce Protocol

BONUS: Emergency Produce Protocol

Dave did yard work in Louisiana in June. I told him to hydrate. He said he did. At midnight, he woke me up looking for an avocado. This is a story about electrolytes, marital credibility, and why I am now suspicious of artificial intelligence.

Everything Is Feral (Episode 12)

Boof has entered her criminal era and is now eating duct tape, wrappers, pencils, magnets, and basically any object not intended for canine consumption. Edgar continues to manipulate me through the ancient powers of drooling, purring, and shameless emotional extortion. Mr. Darcy still expects his eight o’clock royal audience in peace. This is a household update from a home currently being run like a badly supervised animal asylum.

Forty Days in the Wilderness (Episode 11)

Edgar has officially been with us for forty days, which sounds biblical because, at this point, it is. In that time, he has drooled on me, tormented the dog, tried to terrorize Mr. Darcy, endangered himself in creative new ways, and earned an extended stay in the bathroom prison. Meanwhile, Mr. Darcy is still here, still elderly, still medically complicated, and still very much himself. This episode is about pet chaos, ongoing stress, domestic decline, and the strange reality that all of these animals are driving me insane and I love them dearly.

My Pets Are Defective (Episode 10)

I do not do spiders, which became a serious problem when a large and deeply offensive one took over my favorite chair. In this episode: Mr. Darcy’s retirement from active pest control, Boof’s ongoing criminal behavior, Edgar’s shocking refusal to act like a cat, and the moment Dave proved himself to be the only functional member of this household.

The Edgar Regime - Surprise Bonus Episode

Edgar Allan Purr is eight months old, and his personality has officially launched. He steals Mr. Darcy’s food, compromises the royal chamberpot, destroys toilet paper, demands ice, sings while he purrs, and has slowly dismantled every remaining shred of household discipline through the combined force of toe beans and emotional manipulation. This bonus episode is an incident report from inside the Edgar administration. The purr bug has entered his tyrant era. Pray for us.