What if There’s Nothing in You to Fix?

What if There’s Nothing in You to Fix?

Personal improvement is a beautiful goal, but the impulse sometimes comes from a painful place within. It might feel like "I'm broken," or "everyone else has this figured out," or "if I just learn this one more thing, I'll finally feel okay." This becomes perfectionism, people-pleasing, hypervigilance, or the exhausting cycle of self-improvement that never quite makes you feel like you’ve graduated.  In this episode, we explore how to recognize this pattern without turning it into another thing to “fix”, and what opens up next. Because once you can see the "I'm broken" story without believing it, it gets easier to share what you’re feeling with your partner. And that honesty — not performing having it all figured out, but admitting to them the real, messy weather of your inner world — is the fertile soil where real intimacy can grow. The brokenness isn't the obstacle to connection, it's the material for it. We also get into: - How "I'm broken" disguises itself as curiosity, growth, and generosity in bed - The difference between moving toward something with curiosity and trying to fix what you think is wrong - How to be aware of a painful story without believing it or fighting it - The weather report: a practical tool for showing up honestly before intimacy - What it looks like to truly accept what is - Why “shared reality”, being on the same page in intimacy, matters more than shared orgasm ♥️ You can also watch this episode as a video! Find it on YouTube at www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation [http://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation] ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we’re talking about today: When your body feels “off” and the stories start flooding in 2:06 — The self-improvement trap: when growth is secretly powered by "I'm not enough" 5:44 — How "I should be different" shows up in bed: perfectionism, people-pleasing, performance 9:47 — The exhaustion of always trying to “fix” yourself, and what happens when you finally stop 12:19 — "I'm aware that I think I'm broken": how we can create one degree of distance from our stories 14:26 — The part that feels broken is real, but it's not the whole of you. 18:27 — How trying to fix the thought loop just feeds it 21:35 — A tool for creating intimacy with your partner, no matter what you’re feeling: the weather report 28:09 — The kind of talking that generates intimacy and attraction vs. the kind generates a feeling of being roommates 31:32 — The three steps between “I feel off” and “I'm ready to be close to you” 33:45 — Key ingredient of intimate sex that so many miss: shared reality ♥️ Links: Upcoming programs: https://www.eroticreclamation.com/ [https://www.eroticreclamation.com/] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/ [https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/] Substack: https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/ [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/] ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about how to have better intimacy, navigating a kinky awakening, or wanting to explore even wider realms of pleasure, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com [http://www.eroticreclamation.com]. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Foreplay and Precare

There's often a gap between "I want to have sex" and actually being ready for it. You've been at work, with the kids, managing logistics, living in your head — and now you're supposed to just... switch into sexy mode? Most people either skip the warmup entirely or go through the motions of what they think foreplay is supposed to look like. Neither one works very well. Good foreplay is the bridge between where you actually are and where you want to be. But for it to do its job, you have to be honest — about what you're feeling, what you need, and where your body is starting from. That honesty is what turns foreplay from going through the motions into something that actually brings you alive. In this episode, we walk through different entry points using the love languages as a framework: touch that’s attuned to your energy, words that open and expand your heart and body, acts of service that say "I've been thinking about you," and why stating what's off the table tonight can be one of the hottest things you do before sex. We also get into: What to do when foreplay feels like a burden instead of a gift How boundaries can create heat, not just safety “Pre-care", aka what your nervous system needs before it can even register a spark Types of foreplay that don’t involve touch, eye-gazing, or even being in-person Using your voice, tone, and words as foreplay before anyone takes their clothes off ♥️ You can also watch this episode as a video! Find it here on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation]. ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we're talking about today: foreplay & pre-care 6:00 — Pre-care vs. foreplay: what your nervous system needs before the spark can catch 9:27 — Turn-on doesn't have to start in your genitals 10:50 — Touch as foreplay: the difference between what melts you open and what makes you want to crawl away 14:41 — Foreplay for avoidant people, for whom intense touch or eye contact can be too much 18:00 — Words as foreplay: what you say (and how you say it) can warm both of you up before anyone undresses 25:40 — The words that often relax and open our nervous systems: praise and appreciation 28:13 — When you’re first dating, how words can act as foreplay while keeping the pace slow 30:43 — Quality time as foreplay: dinner, spooning, laughing together (and why female bodies need lots of it) 34:19 — Gifts and treats as foreplay: a glass of wine, chocolate, lingerie, a collar perhaps… 37:39 — Giving lingerie can do double duty: it’s a gift and an affirmation, “I love your body, and want to see it in this” 40:11 — Acts of service as foreplay: washing the sheets, lighting candles, organizing the garage 46:35 — Boundaries can also be foreplay: knowing what's off the table makes it easier to play full out 52:01 — How boundaries can put intimacy BACK on the table, because it doesn’t have to be full-blown sex or nothing at all 58:32 — If foreplay feels like a chore, you've left yourself out of it ♥️ Links: Upcoming programs: https://www.eroticreclamation.com/ [https://www.eroticreclamation.com/] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/ [https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/] Substack: https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/ [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/] ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about how to have better intimacy, navigating a kinky awakening, or wanting to explore even wider realms of pleasure, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com [http://www.eroticreclamation.com]. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

I Should Be Turned On Right Now… So Why Aren't I?

Theoretically, the idea of sex sounds great. You're into them, you’re not too tired, it sounds like a fun time. But at the exact same time, your body is tensing, stalling, freezing, clamming up. This yes/no mismatch is so common, but we almost never talk about it. Instead, we generally either push through and perform, or shut down entirely. But there's a third option: learning to be honest about where your body actually is at, while also being honest about what you mentally want. In this episode, we get into what happens when your mind and body are on different pages during sex. As two women who have struggled with orgasm specifically, we unpack how the pressure to achieve orgasm (or deliver orgasm to your partner) collides with a body that has its own history — of trauma, of shame, of disassociation — and might need something completely different in order to actually feel good. Not just to orgasm, but simply to be present, connected, and alive in the experience. We also get into: - Why telling yourself "I should be turned on right now" makes it harder to get there - What it means to have desire without attachment to outcome, and why that's not the same as not caring - How to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body, outside of sexual situations - What happens when you stop treating arousal as a prerequisite for saying yes - How to start listening to your body's signals without making them mean something is wrong with you ♥️ You can also watch this episode as a video! Find it here on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation]. ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we're talking about today: when your mind and body are on different pages about sex 1:51 — Why your body defaults to being tense, performative, unfeeling during sex 14:00 — What changes when your goal shifts from "great sex" to "staying present" 15:23 — Why telling yourself you should be turned on makes it harder to get there 18:27 — The wild, delicious world of sex that opens up when you stop focusing on orgasm 32:46 — You can actually be a fuck yes to sex without being aroused, and how to work that gap 38:03 — 'I want sex' means a thousand things, and the more specific you get, the more you'll actually get what you want 43:43 — How shame has infiltrated sex-positive spaces, making us feel like we need to learn better techniques rather than learn how to embrace our bodies 46:40 — Why and how your body signals it might need things to slow down, even when your mind is fully game 48:10 — How and why to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body ♥️ Links: Upcoming programs: https://www.eroticreclamation.com/ [https://www.eroticreclamation.com/] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/ [https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/] Substack: https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/ [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/] ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about how to have better intimacy, navigating a kinky awakening, or wanting to explore even wider realms of pleasure, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com [http://www.eroticreclamation.com]. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Aftercare: The Antidote to Feeling Dropped After Sex

Welcome to the intentional, delicious, warm and fuzzy bridge between intimacy and the rest of your life. Aftercare isn’t just a BDSM thing, it’s a common answer to the question why we can end up feeling empty or dropped or vulnerable after sex… even when the sex was good. In this episode, we break down aftercare into pieces that make it digestible for any couple, and any person (because yes, there is solo aftercare!). We walk through different aftercare styles using the love languages as a framework, from physical touch and quality time to words, treats, and acts of service, and share personal stories of how aftercare has shown up in our own lives, sometimes in surprising ways. So stay tuned for a juicy, mushy, vulnerable convo about: * How to figure out what you need after intimacy * The difference between aftercare that creates connection and aftercare that avoids it * Why your aftercare love language might be different from your everyday one * How aftercare works in solo intimacy, casual dynamics, and long-distance relationships * Aftercare for Doms and tops, because it’s not just the receiving partner! ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where we have honest conversations about sex, kink, relationships that bring you alive, and pleasure that heals. You can listen to our show on your favorite podcast player, on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation], or on Substack [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/]. And you can find our programs at EroticReclamation.com [https://www.eroticreclamation.com/] ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we’re talking about today: aftercare, aka a bridge back to real life 2:43 — Why knowing there’s a soft landing makes it safer to be vulnerable and deeply connect 12:12 — Debriefing as aftercare: replaying the highlight reel together 17:25 — Physical touch as aftercare (and what to do if your partner isn’t into it) 20:48 — Your aftercare love language might surprise you 30:54 — What solo aftercare can look like, after intimacy with someone who isn’t your partner 33:51 — Words as aftercare: praise, gratitude, and the debrief that doesn’t turn into a fight 37:33 — Self aftercare: writing, prayer, and giving your post-intimacy energy somewhere to go 39:53 — Treats and gifts as aftercare: snacks and tea!! 43:52 — Acts of service as aftercare: washing, resetting, tending to each other 48:24 — When aftercare becomes a way to control intimacy instead of deepen it 52:34 — How aftercare can be integrated into a relationship 53:32 — What are your tenderest parts asking for after you’ve been that open? 58:18 — Aftercare doesn’t have to end when you leave, it can involve checking in days later ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about kink, navigating a Dominant/submissive awakening, or wanting to deepen what you've already been exploring, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com [http://www.eroticreclamation.com]. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

What is Energetic Sex?

This one is for the HSPs, empaths, energetic erotic blueprints, and anyone who feels things they don’t understand… In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on a form of intimacy that doesn’t require touch, nudity, or even proximity. We share how energy shows up in our bodies, our relationships, and our sex lives — from involuntary shivers to full-body ecstasy just because of how our partner is breathing in another room. Specifically, we get into: * What energetic sex actually is and how it shows up in the body * The difference between energetic merging and energetic exchange * Energetic sex as foreplay, as the main event, or anywhere in between * How to start exploring energetic sex — solo or with a partner * Energetic boundaries, integrity, consent, and sovereignty, because when energy is involved, things can be mushy… Whether you’re already energy-curious or deeply skeptical, this conversation offers a grounded, personal, and surprisingly practical look at what becomes possible when you stop limiting sex to what’s physical. ** Erotic Reclamation is where we have honest conversations about sex, kink, relationships that bring you alive, and pleasure that heals. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode! ** Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we're talking about today: energetic sex 3:48 — Why a stranger’s look can make your skin crawl, or light you up 11:10 — A simple way to start feeling energy with your own hands 13:48 — When all you can feel during sex is “good” or “bad”, and how to unlock more 19:15 — What if you’re not wet or hard… does that mean you’re not turned on? 24:34 — What energetic sex actually looks like (it can be so subtle, but so delicious!) 26:48 — The shivers and shakes you’ve been holding back might be orgasmic 30:27 — How breath alone can create sexual charge between two people 32:46 — “I was actually having sex and nobody in the room knew it”: energetic boundaries 38:23 — What changes when you practice energy with someone you’re in love with 41:16 — If you feel drained by other people's energy, your boundaries might be wide open 48:06 — For the skeptics: “My eyes were closed, but my body still rose where his hand hovered over me” 51:37 — When your partner’s breath in another room becomes foreplay 53:16 — Why deep intimacy doesn’t require losing yourself in your partner 1:00:09 — What it feels like to reconnect with someone through energy after years apart 1:02:25 — Where to start exploring this — solo, partnered, or skeptical *** Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it.Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on:- Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more- Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence- Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries- Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners- Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed…Whether you're curious about kink, navigating a Dominant/submissive awakening, or wanting to deepen what you've already been exploring, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at eroticreclamation.com [http://eroticreclamation.com].With love,Kari & Nicholette *** P.S. If you’re on YouTube, and would enjoy seeing our endless expressions as we talk about all these sexy, vulnerable, holy things, you can also watch this episode here [https://www.youtube.com/@EroticReclamation]. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com [https://eroticreclamation.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]