When Helping Isn't Helping

When Helping Isn't Helping

WHEN HELPING ISN'T HELPING BROOKE ONIKI LIFE COACHING PODCAST My husband was making cookies. He's done it dozens of times. And I still couldn't keep my mouth shut about the butter. That moment introduced me — again — to a concept from leadership researcher Liz Wiseman: the difference between multipliers and diminishers. Wiseman was studying corporations. But she was describing our families. In this episode we talk about the gatekeeper's paradox, the most dangerous quadrant of love, and the difference between love that grows people and love that simply keeps them safe. Plus a Larry Wilson quote from the April 2012 General Conference that I have never been able to shake. The question this episode asks is simple. The answer is harder: does your presence make the people around you more — or less? Quote of the Episode "Compulsion builds resentment. It conveys mistrust, and it makes people feel incompetent. Learning opportunities are lost when controlling persons pridefully assume they have all the right answers for others." — Elder Larry Wilson, April 2012 General Conference Resources Mentioned * Multipliers by Liz Wiseman * Diana Baumrind's four quadrants of parenting * Elder Larry Wilson, April 2012 General Conference STAY CONNECTED WITH BROOKE Get weekly encouragement, emotional wellness tools, and podcast extras: Join the Newsletter: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8 [https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8] LEARN MORE Book a free session, read the blog, get more free content at: WWW.BROOKEONIKI.COM [http://www.brookeoniki.com]

Breathe Into the Stretch: Learning to Stay Present in Uncomfortable Relationships

We live in a world designed for comfort — same-day delivery, instant answers, and climate-controlled rooms. But what happens when that instinct for ease bleeds into our most important relationships? In this episode, Brooke explores what it means to expand your zone of relational discomfort and why staying in the hard moments might be the most loving thing you can do. Drawing on a yoga metaphor that will stick with you, Brooke unpacks what it looks like to "breathe into the stretch" — not just on the mat, but in the conversations you've been avoiding, the friendships you've been pulling back from, and the moments with your kids where your instinct is to fix, escape, or shut down. In this episode, you'll hear: * Why our brains are wired to run from relational discomfort — and why running is costing us more than we realize * The difference between protecting your child and protecting yourself from watching them hurt * A powerful coaching example about a woman who kept hanging up on her sister — and what happened when she was challenged to stay on the line * Brooke's personal story about her son Connor's devastating basketball season, and the quiet message that steady, ordinary love sends * Her cousin Julie's experience navigating grief after losing her husband — and the profound truth that we can't take someone else's pain away Practical tools to expand your zone of discomfort: 1. Notice the urge before you act on it 2. Use your breath — slow it down 3. Ask one more question before you react 4. Look for the grain of truth in what stings most 5. Show up the morning after — love them the same, let the sun rise Discomfort in a relationship isn't a sign something is wrong. It's often a sign something real is happening — something worth staying for. STAY CONNECTED WITH BROOKE Get weekly encouragement, emotional wellness tools, and podcast extras: Join the Newsletter: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8 [https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8] LEARN MORE Book a free session, read the blog, get more free content at: WWW.BROOKEONIKI.COM [http://www.brookeoniki.com]

The Power of Knowing Someone's Story-Supporting your LGBTQ Loved One

What does it look like to love someone when their path unfolds differently than you expected? In this heartfelt conversation, Brooke sits down with Sandra Rhees and her son Jeremy to talk about their family's experience navigating faith, family relationships, and Jeremy's journey as a gay, active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Jeremy shares his experience of recognizing he was different, coming out to his family and friends, and learning to reconcile his faith with his sexual orientation. Sandra offers a parent's perspective on adjusting expectations, building trust, and choosing connection over fear. Together, they discuss: * Jeremy's journey of discovering he was gay * How his parents responded when he came out * The importance of trust in parent-child relationships * Navigating faith when questions don't have easy answers * Experiences with church leaders and serving a mission * Ways friends, family members, and ward members can create a greater sense of belonging * Why curiosity and understanding matter more than assumptions * How open communication develops over time * Extending grace to ourselves and others as we learn One of the most powerful themes throughout this conversation is the importance of truly getting to know people. When we take time to hear someone's story, labels become less important and relationships become stronger. Whether you have an LGBTQ family member, friend, neighbor, or ward member—or simply want to become a more compassionate disciple of Christ—this episode offers thoughtful insights about love, trust, and human connection. KEY TAKEAWAYS * Trust creates safety for honest conversations. * Understanding grows when we ask questions and listen. * People are more than a single label or characteristic. * Grace allows relationships to flourish even when perspectives differ. * Christlike love begins with seeing people as individuals and learning their stories. RESOURCES MENTIONED * Questions From The Closet podcast * Charlie Bird * Jared Halverson STAY CONNECTED WITH BROOKE Get weekly encouragement, emotional wellness tools, and podcast extras: Join the Newsletter: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8 [https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8] LEARN MORE Book a free session, read the blog, get more free content at: WWW.BROOKEONIKI.COM [http://www.brookeoniki.com]

Three Tips for Family Reunions, Vacations and Gatherings

Family reunions. Holidays. Summer trips. Long weekends with adult children, in-laws, and extended family. Sometimes they’re full of connection and joy. Sometimes they come with stress, hurt feelings, unmet expectations, or that one conversation that catches you off guard. In today’s episode, I’m sharing three simple tools to help you show up differently at family gatherings this summer. Instead of trying to manage everyone else, we’ll talk about how to manage you. Because when you feel more grounded, everything changes. In this episode we discuss: * Why regulating your nervous system matters more than managing the event * A story about a mother who thought criticism was coming—but discovered connection instead * How “manuals” (unspoken expectations) create frustration at family events * The birthday cake story and what it teaches us about curiosity and compassion * Why curiosity often works better than control * How deciding who you want to be before you arrive can completely change your experience * Simple ways to stay connected, grounded, and present during summer gatherings Questions to consider before your next gathering: * What tends to activate me? * How will I care for myself if that happens? * What expectations am I carrying? * Who do I want to be when I walk into the room? You don’t need a perfect family gathering to create a meaningful one. Sometimes the win is simply this: I showed up as the person I wanted to be. If you’re heading into a family reunion, wedding, vacation, or difficult conversation this summer and want a little extra support, Brooke also shares an invitation for short-term coaching sessions to help you prepare and feel more grounded. Listen in and let’s make this summer feel a little lighter, calmer, and more connected. STAY CONNECTED WITH BROOKE Get weekly encouragement, emotional wellness tools, and podcast extras: Join the Newsletter: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8 [https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8] LEARN MORE Book a free session, read the blog, get more free content at: www.brookeoniki.com [http://www.brookeoniki.com]

The Hidden Reason You Don’t Feel Like Starting

Today we’re talking about a fascinating concept: our brains resist state changes. When we’re sitting, we don’t want to stand. When we’re home, we don’t want to leave. When we finally start cleaning, we suddenly don’t want to stop. This isn’t because you’re lazy or unmotivated. Our brains love familiarity, efficiency, and conserving energy. In this episode we discuss: • Why transitions feel hard • Why resistance doesn’t mean something is wrong • How momentum creates motivation • Simple hacks to help you move through resistance • Why accountability and community help us follow through We’ll talk about real-life examples like exercise, cleaning, bedtime routines, procrastination, and even recording podcasts. Questions to think about this week: Where are you interpreting normal resistance as a problem? What if resistance isn’t evidence that you shouldn’t do something but simply evidence that you’re changing states? If this episode helps you, share it with a friend. I’m so grateful you’re here and part of this community! STAY CONNECTED WITH BROOKE Get weekly encouragement, emotional wellness tools, and podcast extras: Join the Newsletter: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8 [https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/f7o6w8] LEARN MORE Coaching, resources, and offerings for midlife women: www.brookeoniki.com [http://www.brookeoniki.com]