Always Becoming

Always Becoming

Summer is in full swing and we invite you to listen to this week’s episode with an open heart. It will be our last episode until September, when we pick back up with a new season after soaking up the best of what Maine has to offer us. This episode is special. We talk with community artist, weaver, and elder Sarah Haskell. She exudes both a peacefulness and an energy of someone who greets each day anew, grounded in curiosity and gratefulness. We recorded this two days before her 76th birthday, a number she proudly shared with us while also exclaiming that she merely stands on a longer ladder than we do. Like Sarah, this conversation weaves and gestures towards many things. She talks openly about her aging body and how it relates to her material of choice: thread; how it frays, responds to time, light, and weather. She also shares candidly how she and her husband of 50 years have both chosen to walk spiritual paths, how being in a long term partnership is a spiritual practice. Her life has taken her many places, and her heart guides her decisions. This conversation is refreshing and holy, just like Sarah. But she’d probably tell us how we are all holy, because after all, Unconditional Love is the baseline for everything. Begin there, and you’re on your way. Episode Transcript Christina: I know that I say this to you all the time, but truly it will never, ever, ever get old that I can hop in the car, drive to the beach, and come home in like 30 minutes. Like, I just went, de-noodled my brain, soaked my body in salt cold water, and floated until I heard nothing but my heartbeat. At a beach that is in like a mile or two from my house. Um, it, it really will never get old. I will never, ever not feel thankful for this. Becky: Welcome Noticing: A Podcast About Nothing And Everything At The Same Time. Summer is in full swing, and Christina and I will be taking a little bit a break as we soak up the best what Maine has to offer us. So we’re leaving you with a very special episode with community artist, weaver, and elder Sarah Haskell. Like Sarah, this conversation weaves and gestures towards many things. She talks openly about her aging body and how it relates to her material of choice, thread. How it frays, responds to time, light, and weather. This conversation is refreshing and holy, just like Sarah. But she’d probably tell us how we’re all holy, Because after all, unconditional love is the baseline for everything. Begin there and you’re on your way. So I hope you enjoy. Christina: So for this week, we have, artist and friend, Sarah Haskell, on the podcast, and, I get to introduce the people that I know, and Becky introduces the people that she knows. And, Sarah is an artist as well. Sarah’s someone that I would describe as the person that makes an entire room feel more peaceful simply by being- Mm-hmm ... in it. That is how I’ve always felt. And I think, honestly, I found... Maybe I found your work online first. Maybe my mother-in-law had actually met you at, um, at a Maine College of Art summer program, and she was like, “There’s this really hip woman that’s, like, kinda closer to my age than your age. Her name is Sarah. She’s really cool. I hope I get to see her more.” And then I, um... Yeah. Then I think... I, I’m sort of... I kinda forget the order of events. Then you were in the same show. You had a show in the front lobby of when I showed what’s actually hanging behind me here, and I saw your work, and I had seen it on Instagram and different things. And then I started reading the meaning behind the work, and I was like, “Wow, we are sort of making art for similar reasons.” And, there’s a unity that I experience in your presence, in your artwork, and in the way that you just exist in the world that I am excited- Mm ... to talk about today. And, um then I took my kids to a community art project that you hosted, and I know that’s important to, to your work and what you offer in the world. And it was just- It was just wonderful. So many different generations and families in the same room, and you were just guiding them with such ease, such playfulness, and such a groundedness about you. Mm. Um, and I loved the experience, and I... Yeah, you’re just somebody who makes everyone feel better- Thank you by being around. That’s how I, that’s how I see you. - And so, yeah, Sarah’s gonna be here with us in conversation today, so that would be the way that I would, that I would introduce you. Thanks for being here. Sarah: Well, thank you, Christina. Mm. What a, what a beautiful introduction. I love the way that you introduce your, I don’t wanna s- your, your guests- Christina: Mm. Sarah: Because it’s from the heart. So thank you. Christina: Mm-hmm. Sarah: Thanks. Christina: Yeah. I try to, I try to appo- approach most things from that place. Sarah: Good. Much, much better than the head. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Christina: Yeah. Sarah: Mm. Christina: So, um, as we begin, I wonder if you wanted to... You know, you’ve heard enough of our podcast that you know that we’re not really interested in resumes or anything like that. It’s more just who these people are, having a heartfelt, connected conversation. Um, so I wonder how you would begin to describe your place in the world- Mm ... and what you’re here to do. Sarah: Oh, thank you. I’m still trying to figure that out, honestly. Yeah. I, yeah. My favorite answer to questions these days is, “I don’t know.” And it’s always about exploring. I know that for me, art is integral to every moment of my life, and it’s been that way since, I think the first time when I r- realized that art was a path for me to navigate this often confusing grown-up world was when I was about eight years old. Mm-hmm. And, um, I was lucky enough to have parents that nurtured that and that encouraged that, that didn’t think it was odd or inappropriate. So I was lucky to have that nurtured in me, and I come from a family that has, women artists. So I have actually in my dining room a portrait of my great-grandmother who went to art school, and she was a painter. And so I also think it’s in my DNA to, to... I mean, it’s, it’s in everybody’s DNA to be who they are, but I think my awareness of that has become deeper and deeper as I age and I look back at the family that I come from that has supported who I am still becoming. Christina: Mm-hmm. Sarah: Um, and as an artist, I have chosen a medium to work in that is traditionally women’s work, and, um- for, for decades hasn’t even been recognized as artwork, that, weaving was domestic work. Um, but I’ve always felt that that was my medium. Mm-hmm. And since I was, since I was 19, I first learned to weave. Before I was 19, I was doing all the traditional things that a young art student might do, painting, sculpture, printmaking. In the early ‘70s there was a lot of installation art, except we didn’t call it that. It was happenings, and- Hmm ... just had a different name. Mm-hmm. And then the school that I went to, which was a two-year women’s college, which had a really strong art department, invited this local weaver to come in, and there was something about the, not just the technique, but the materials, that just resonated with me. And I always come back to my body as my teacher. And when something resonates in my body, whether it’s a color or a shape or a pattern or whatever, it’s like, it’s like almost like my body is, a, a bell, and when it resonates, that’s the signal to me that this is the right path or this is, this is where you need to go. So weaving really resonated with me, and I’ve continued to, to be on that path. I’ve dabbled in other things, But for me, it’s the, it’s the voice that I need to use to, to continue to dive into my own story. And I think part of that is because of the materials, they are, um, subject to all of the same things that our bodies are subject to. Becky: Hmm. Sarah: Moisture, uh, light, abrasion, all of those things tend to react with the materials just as our bodies do. Abrasion, sunlight, moisture. Um, and for me, that resonates with one of the core principles that I think is central to life, is impermanence and change. Not necessarily impermanence. I like to look at it more as metamorphosis- Hmm that, um, just things are always changing. And I’ll g- I’ll maybe get back to that, but I wanna stay with the, the why I’m doing what I do. Um, and the other part, as you honored, was the community work. And weaving is... When you, if you were to ask me my definition of what weaving is, it’s taking separate elements and putting them together in a structure. Hmm. So some kind of pattern. And I honestly believe that that’s what we are as human beings. We are individuals that come together in different patterns, whether it’s the pattern of the family or the pattern of school or whatever structure that is. So my community work is to kind of celebrate that and- I’ve taught for decades, and brought people together. I see my work in communities as a way to raise self-esteem, but also to, to help people find ways to talk to each other. That’s all it is, just a way to talk to each other on the platform of art. And you saw that in the workshop where you came with your kids, and people were sitting there talking. And- Mm-hmm ... they could have been doing anything, playing with clay or, you know, your material. Um, but one of the things about fabric is that it’s familiar. We, we have- we wear fabric. We’re- it’s so familiar that it’s not intimidating. Mm. So for a lot of people that say, “I can’t do art,” or whatever, but if you give them a couple of pieces of fabric, they may have a memory that comes out about that, or they may just start fiddling with it. Um, it’s, it’s less intimidating than if you put them with a pencil and paper and ask them to draw something. So I find that it is a way for people to access creativity, and I truly believe that creativity um, it’s part of our wellness, and if we don’t include creativity, um, uh, no. That- I don’t wanna go there. But anyway, it, it, well- ... creativity is part of wellness. So I’ll just pause there. I could go on. But I’ll just pause there- Mm ... and see what questions you have to follow up on that. Becky: I mean, it was so rich. I know. Christina: We’re like, “Who’s gonna go first? Go, Beck, you go.” Becky: Well, the thing that struck me the most, where, uh, where I’m most interested in is your clarity around your body as your, indicator, your, your indicator of resonance, and I’m so curious. That just strikes me as so, uh, deep and true, and I’m curious where that originated or have you... Like, when did you recognize that, oh, my body’s telling me things, and learn to trust that? Or was that just innate since you were young? Sarah: I think the first time that I consciously was aware of that was when I was in art school. Christina: Mm. Sarah: And there was a period I I realized that when I wasn’t making art, I wasn’t well Becky: Mm. Sarah: And I don’t know what it, for whatever reason, because if I was in art school, I was probably making art all the time. But, but there was something that clicked in me. I, I mean, I can even remember where I was. I was walking up a hill, and, and it was so clear to me that if I didn’t make art, and it was a physical thing- Christina: Mm ... Sarah: um, that I wouldn’t be w- be whole or well. Becky: Mm. Sarah: Um, so that was probably in my early 20s. But I think that it was there long before that, but it wasn’t an intellectual thing. It was just more, I didn’t have language for it probably. Yeah. It was just a bodily thing, and I was probably just physically pulled without the language. Yeah. And I think children are that way. I mean, you know, Christina, how k- I mean, being with my granddaughter- Mm-hmm ... she just makes art freely- ... and uninhibitedly. And is that because she feels better when she does it? I don’t know, and she probably doesn’t know, but she’s, you know, she allows herself to be pulled in that direction, and I think that’s what I did younger. But Becky: Yeah. It’s almost like the question is less about when did you discover, it’s like how did you not lose touch with that? Sarah: Yeah. Becky: It was always there. Sarah: Yeah. It was always there- Mm ... but I think it became more intellectual- Becky: Mm. Mm-hmm ... Sarah: as I was in art school. Christina: Yep. Yeah, I mean, I remember being in art school and thinking about my body and how it related to what I was making. Um- Sarah: Yeah ... Christina: also, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I was even, I was, like, casting my body parts and doing things like that. Um, creating these suspended figures that had been molded around a body of fabric, and then suspending them without the actual body in them. And so maybe there’s something that has to do with art school and the age you go in your early 20s- ... and how, how conscious of your body you are, and how that relates to what you’re making. I wonder if that’s universal. But also weaving is, is physical. Sarah: Yes. Yes. It is a full body activity. So legs, arms, feet, and h- everything. And- Consequently, it’s repetitive motion. Christina: Yes. Sarah: And consequently, at my age, I am showing the evidence of that. Mm. And the evidence first showed up actually, in my, the year I was 40. I had a back injury from the repetitive motion of what I love to do. Ugh. It was a crushing moment. Here was this voice that I’d, you know, found and, and in art school, we were never taught anything about ergonomics. Mm-hmm. And so this body that I loved so much, that I still love so much, was suffering physically. So I had, a back injury and, um had surgery, um, from that. And unfortunately now, things have come back. Becky: Mm. Sarah: So I have more back issues, but I’m, I’m throwing all modalities that I can think of at it, and I’m doing really well. But it is a very, it is a very physical practice. Mm-hmm. And my body, my whole body is involved in it. Yeah. Christina: My grandmother, um, my grandmother, uh, was a weaver too, uh, when she wasn’t taking care of nine children. Um, but I remember her. I know that weaving is so physical because I remember watching her do it. Mm-hmm. And, um- Yeah. And it’s interesting to think about, yeah, it’s very, it’s very kind of mechanical in a way. Um, but I remember, I remember watching her do it, and I’m listening to you talk about this, and how you’re conscious of the material thread that you use, and how the, it, it can break down. Sarah: Mm-hmm. Christina: And- Mm-hmm ... so maybe it wasn’t such a conscious realization, but it feels very much like your body also is breaking down in parts as you’re becoming so aware of what you’re making- Mm-hmm breaking down, or collecting dust, or fraying in some places. Mm-hmm. The tactile nature of what you make, um, has that. And, um- Yeah. I’m, I also, the, the thing that you said about creativity as part of our wellness, I’m thinking about that, and also if you put creativity and community in the same pairing, talking about it, uh, in the context of wellness and healing, I mean, that’s like a, an amplification of- Yeah wellness if you’re being creative in a community context. Sarah: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And, and just to go back to your comment about, um, the, the parallels between my aging body and the, and being conscious of my materials. So when I turned 65, I think it was Or 60, I can’t remember. I did a project that conscientiously focused on that because I’ve become aware that there are questions that arise in me that are probably universal questions that need to be addressed. So if I’m thinking this, it’s, it’s in the atmosphere. So the question I was thinking of was, um, how do we love these older bodies and, and how do we, and what questions we have? So I developed a project called “Well Used, Well Loved.” so that was the c- that was the framework of the project, Well Used, Well Loved, and I thought, “What if I hand weave, a number of dish towels and I give them to families or schools or whatever. I pass them out to be used.” And that’s the, the framework. You have to use this towel- And you also have to keep a journal, because I’m gonna give you some questions to reflect on about using the towel and watching it age and letting it go. Mm-hmm. Because that... You know, here was this beautiful handwoven linen towel. So, I wove eight towels, and I had custom-made eight hand-bound journals, and then I asked for eight families to volunteer to be part of this, or organizations, whatever, schools. And the response was huge. I had probably 50 family units or whatever, schools, that wanted to participate in it. So I developed a second tier of the project, which was to respond to the same question on kozo paper, which I mailed to them. ... So I created two teams: the linen team and the paper team. And they got the same questions. The, the linen team responded in their journals. They could also draw in them. And then the paper team, um, responded on their paper, their kozo paper. And the questions were, how... Um, how do you let go of something that you love? Um, prompt number six was, “The materials for this project are hand-woven linen and kozo paper. Both are created from plant fibers known for their absorption qualities. Absorption can also be seen as dissolving boundaries. In that light, what parallels or connections do you observe between your own ability to absorb, to soak up, to empathize? What connection do you perceive b- between your linen/paper and the action of union, of dissolving boundaries, of connection, and what value do these have today, these actions have today?” Um, prompt number seven was, “Do you see an opposite to being well used and well loved?” So, um, there were, I think there were 10 prompts. Anyway, the last prompt was, “How do you say goodbye to something that you love?” Christina: Hmm. Sarah: And I tell you that some people couldn’t answer some of the questions. They were too emotional for them. Mm. And some people had a field day, and- ... and the journals were amazing. So at the end, I collected everything, and the idea was to spin the kozo paper that the paper team had responded into thread. And so I taught by Zoom the paper team how to make their paper into thread. Mm. And I collected the thread. Some people didn’t wanna do that, so I did it for them. Um and I wove this huge s- uh, 12 foot, four panels, with the two side panels completely woven out of their handspun paper- Mm with all of their writing in it. Um, and then there was an exhibit at George Marshall. Mm-hmm. And I exhibited all the journals, that people sent me back their journals, and all the towels that were used and loved, um- And it was interesting to find out some things that were universal in response to the questions, and some things that were quite personal. And how attached we are to things and to our bodies, and resistant we are to change. I think that was the biggest takeaway. Mm. Becky: Yeah. I love that. Like, as I listen to this, in this one project, I hear these two central, ideas that you’ve already called out that seem really, uh, core to who you are and at least now and what you wanna put into this world of impermanence or metamorph- metamorphosing, metamorphizing? What’s the word? Im- I, I use impermanence. That’s easier- Yeah ... to come off my tongue. Um, and then the weaving, the weaving of the com- of community and, like, the dissolving into boundaries and- Christina: Mm-hmm ... Becky: um, and, like, having people really sit with absorption and, and getting past those boundaries. You’re weaving people into their collective, identity, which is really beautiful. I love these... Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t really have a question. It’s just, I’m really noticing how strong those two themes are. ... Well, I was curious earlier about, you know, you speaking about your own aging body and, and how is impermanence showing up in your own life as you... I’m sure there’s, it’s hard. You know, your, your body that allows you to do this thing that you love so much- Yeah ... and you, y- impermanence is part of your, your work. Sarah: Yeah. Becky: It’s like- Sarah: Yeah ... Becky: you know, showing up in your life as a way to practice. How has that journey been? Sarah: Um, I feel so fortunate and, and blessed to have to be this old. Becky: Mm. Sarah: Next week, oh, no, two days from now is my birthday. Is it 75? And- Did I do the math right? 70, 76. 76. 76. Becky: 76. Sarah: Yeah. And, um- I just, I just feel grateful. Mm-hmm. And my body is not what it used to be, but I’m, I’m, I’m grateful for what I, for who I am and what I have, and that I am still able to, um, do what I do. And I have to be more mindful, uh, and honor the fact that my body is suffering from the repetitive motion of my work. And so frankly, I spend a lot of time doing self-care that is almost as, uh... well, that is as important in my life, my daily life now, as making my art and everything else. So the self-care might be yoga or walking or swimming or qigong or meditating or doing my PT. I mean, Mm-hmm. Um, yeah, self-care for this body, um- is pretty critical as I age. Christina: Um, so my, uh, over the last two, six months, both of my grandmothers passed away. Sarah: No. Christina: Yeah. No. It, they were, um... I, I’m thinking of this because they taught me a lot of the things that you are teaching in this conversation. One of them was 90, just shy of 91. The other one, who just recently passed, was 96. And, my grandma, who was 96, had literally just, uh, downloaded, which is amazing that she could do this, actually. She downloaded an app to practice yoga in her house, like two weeks before the ER visit that sort of faded the next three weeks, and then she, she left us, and consciously, beautifully. Sarah: Mm-hmm. Christina: So I’m, I’m, I’m listening to what you’re saying, and I had two wonderful living examples that lived another 20 years beyond where you are. And I think- Yeah ... when they were where you are now, they were still taking care of themselves and understanding the impermanence of the vessel that they have. Sarah: Yes. Christina: And understanding that it was just this house for them- Mm-hmm to take care of, and I saw them taking care of it. Mimi went and got a shoulder replacement in her s- when, maybe when she was 76. She loved to travel and, um- Mm ... maybe her shoulder or knee, I don’t know, something got replaced, and it was a big part of her body that had to get replaced- Yeah ... so that she could continue living the- Yeah abundant life with the priorities that she held so dear. And- Yeah ... walking around in all of these international travels was really important to her quality of life. Yeah. So she fixed something and took care of her body in a way- Yeah ... and allowed other things to maybe fall away so that the priorities- Mm-hmm could sort of rise up the ladder. Yeah. Um, and I just, I’m, uh, I’m just, I just love you, and I’m so happy that you’re here- ... to, to talk to us because, um, multi-generational conversations are some of my favorite ones to have. And, um, and it is, it is remarkable to me that the first question that you were asked on here with us, about what you’re here to offer, your answer is, like, “I’m still figuring it out,” because that’s what we are all always doing. My dad told me that when I was a kid all the time. He was like, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” I don’t Sarah: know. Yeah. I Christina: don’t know. Isn’t that what we should always say? Yeah. I hope that I say that when I’m 76- Yeah ... and Sarah: 96. You will. I know you will, girl. I don’t know. Yeah. We will. And it’s funny, I don’t feel an age difference in, you know? No. I’m still 12 or 14- Mm-hmm ... in here. Mm-hmm. It’s the body. One of my dearest friends is 99. Mm. Wow. And we have known each other for 45 years. Becky: Wow. Hm. Sarah: And I try to see her every two weeks. She still lives at home. Um, and she and I, we’re just- we’re like girlfriends. Yeah. She’s, she’s, she’s diminished. She actually came home from the... She was in Portsmouth Hospital for a couple of days, so. Becky: Mm-hmm. Sarah: But yeah, the age thing, you’re right that there is a certain wisdom that someone can offer with age. There’s a perspective that I can look back further than you can look back. Um, but that’s really the only difference. Christina: Yeah. Sarah: I just have- I have a longer ladder that I’m standing on, I guess. Yeah. I’ve climbed more rungs. Um, but we’re on the same ladder and yeah. Becky: I’m thinking of Joanna Macy right now, who taught me about deep time, and just- Mm ... like, you know, it’s- it’s not a reverence or like, you know, we’re all the same. But yeah, it’s like reaching into, I guess, into more into the past by being in community with people who are older, and then also being in conversation with people younger. You’re reaching into the future, and it just extends- Yeah ... I find it extends my consciousness. I haven’t had a lot of elders in my life, but- Mm just in this one week of being in Maine, I had these amazing conversations with two women who are elders, and I felt an aliveness in me that, uh, was definitely missing before, and it... I couldn’t stop smiling. It was just, I didn’t have anything to say. I just wanted to listen to every word they, they came out, and it wasn’t from like putting them on a pedestal. It just, it felt like a piece was missing, and I think that piece was deep time. Mm-hmm. And I feel this when I’m around your kids too, Christina, of like, it feels like we’re meant to span past this moment. Mm. Um, and remember that we’re so connected. Like, live in this moment. This is the only moment we have, but we’re connected to so much more. Um, yeah. Christina: I’m curious, um, so I see you, Sara, as someone who is, at, at least at this point I would judge as having a very well-rounded life and sense of purpose. Um, and I wonder if it’s always felt that way for you. cause, like, if I could, if I could, like, beam forward 40 s- Mm-hmm ... sorry, 36 years and imagine myself where you are, the s- the sense of purpose and well-roundedness and, um, you know, physical, emotional, spiritual health that I feel personally, I think will likely carry me through life. Sarah: Mm-hmm. Christina: Um, and I wonder if, if that was always something that you felt, if you always felt this well-roundedness. And, um, piggybacking to that would be how you cultivate your peace. Sarah: Hmm. Two big questions. Mm-hmm. Um, I think that you will. I know. I know you will. Christina: Yeah, me too. Sarah: Don’t, I... Yeah, because it’s who you are in your nature. And I think the choices that we make ... all through our life, um, help support that. And you’ve chosen a partner. I was lucky to choose a partner. And Becky, I don’t know your personal relationship, but it sounds like you have a partner that supports- Mm ... who you are and wants the best in you. And- Yeah this summer we will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. I know. What the heck? It’s not perfect. It’s by no means perfect, and we’ve aged differently, very differently, by the choices that we’ve made. Um, but I think- That I have been able to, maintain, uh, my practice of art and my devotion to, uh, the things that I love, nature, community, because of those choices that I’ve made. Um, where I live, who I associate with, um, all of those things have s- have supported. But I am also incredibly grateful for the time, and the family, and the place that I was born into, and I never want to forget that. That’s why my ancestors surround me. Mm-hmm. Uh, the portrait of my great-grandmother, who was an artist. My grandmother was an artist, although not as recognized as her mother. Um- I’ve, I’ve been supported by the ancestors, um, and I, I’m white. I’m privileged in some regards. I’m not ridiculously wealthy. I’m comfortable. Becky: Mm-hmm. Sarah: And I’ve been able to do my art. My husband and I, who, he was a professor at a university, but he was also, um, an interfaith minister. We chose a life that nurtured ourselves and, and our family. So I think it’s both the ancestry has allowed me the privilege and the honor of being who I am, but also the conscious choices that I made in choosing the people that I wanna be with, um- So how do I find my peace? Was that the question? How do I find my peace? Huh. How do you cultivate it? How do I- Find and cultivate it, yeah ... cultivate my peace? Um, by being, I think honestly, to go back to being aware of what gives me that feeling of wellbeing, and peace is a funny word. Peace to me is wellbeing. Peace to me is when my body is resonating without agitation, without stress, um, feeding my body the right foods. Um, I have been a longtime meditator, and I came to meditation out of frustration. Um- I, in my late 20s when I got married, wanted to have a family, and it didn’t happen easily. And all my friends started having families, and I was faced with infertility. Um, I had infertility problems early on because I was one of those unfortunate women who used the Dalkon Shield. Mm. And if you’re not aware of that, that, um, was an IUD device that was introduced in the early 70- no, mid-70s, that they, um, hadn’t really tested properly, and it caused- Mm um, infections. So I was faced with infertility from that, and I just felt that I needed a way to navigate this thing that was completely out of my control. Mm. And I found meditation. I found a way to accept and love and be with what is, and not try to change it. Mm. Um, and it’s been a part of my life for- for... My son is 40, and he’s in vitro, and my daughter is adopted. Christina: Wow. Sarah: And so I’m grateful for the things that I’ve butted up against and challenged me, because they opened doors for me that I might not have had the opportunity to go through. So yeah, meditation is huge. Um, both my husband, because my husband is quite spiritual, we’ve been to India three times on pilgrimage, is, pilgrimages. And we’ve been to Bali a couple of times, on pilgrimages. And so that’s something that we do together. Um, although not anymore. He’s not able to travel. So I think that, that peace for me, I cultivate it by recognizing, um, by, by all of the practices within my life, but by recognizing consciously what brings me to that place of peace, of wellbeing. It might be swimming, so now, woo-hoo, I can swim in my local saltwater pond. Christina: Mm-hmm. Sarah: Um, and the last three days have just been amazing. So that brings me peace. That, that invigorates my body, but it’s also a way of shutting out the noise, um- I think for me it’s very, very important to be as aware as I can of what I’m allowing inside the boundaries of who I am, and what I’m choosing to, um, create a protective zone against. And maybe it’s an energetic protective zone, don’t come in my field, or it’s actually don’t turn on the radio. Becky: Mm-hmm. Sarah: Don’t let that noise in. And I’m one of ... I’m right now I have to laugh. I live on a rural country road where the speed limit is for the most part 25 or 35, and I drive the speed limit. And I drive with the radio off and the windows down, and people are always on m- my tail just like, “Who is this little old lady?” I’m not little, ‘cause I’m quite tall, but who is this old lady? Just like they want, you know. So I have to laugh. I’m like, “Slow down. I’m not gonna let you in my energy field. This is- ... this is my...” Um, so it’s knowing, yeah, it’s knowing what supports that sensation, that awareness of peace and wellbeing, and what might invade that, and h- holding some kind of visible or invisible boundary. Yeah. Christina: So smart. So many things. You do cultivate it. I just, I see you as somebody who cultivates, who cultivates this, and I didn’t realize that you also had a, a deeply spiritual partner. Did that come... Did, did you both find that, find your own spiritualities sort of alongside one another? Or was that something that you... Yeah. Would you talk about that a little bit? I’m curious. Sarah: Yeah. So I, so my, my husband comes from a deeply Episcopal family. He has one sister who’s, a priest in Portland, and one sister who was part of a very Christian movement. Um, his mother was, uh, some bigwig in the church, in Episcopal Church, in the church in Falmouth, Foreside. His gr- grandfather, great-grandfather is buried in it. You know, I mean, so they’re, like, serious Episcopals. And I come from a very Yankee, New England, um, Unitarian family. So I think that, that we did, we’ve, both of us have had, uh ... So when our kids were little, we went to the Unitarian Church, and, m- um, well, so we both got into Vipassana meditation about the same time. Christina: Hmm. Sarah: In, um, about 1980. Yeah, about 1980 we got into Vipassana med- meditation. Hmm. And so then I think we just kind of nurtured that in each other, He’s always been interested in psychology and the human brain and mind, and his, his MBA is in, um, organizational behavior, which is how people work together. And then he went off and got, a post-master’s degree in, um, counseling. And then he s- that wasn’t enough, so then he went off and he got a master’s degree in divinity from a school at, in Oakland that was run by Matthew Fox, if you’ve ever heard of him. Becky: Yes. C- Yes. Sarah: Yeah. Okay. So- Becky: I took a class from him once. He’s incredible. Sarah: Yeah. So that- Mm-hmm ... was called, um, what was it called? The college has gone through several names. Uh, I can’t remember what it was called then. Um, and then he s- and I knew he needed to become ordained after that, so then he became ordained through, a non-residential program in Manhattan. Um, and he’s an ordained interfaith minister. So he kind of was doing his thing. Meanwhile, we’re going to India together, and so he’s an interfaith minister, and he had a church for 10 years while he was teaching at the university. So when we went to India- Because our, our meditation practice was really grounded in Buddhism, Vipassana meditation, when we were in India, we became quite connected with an Indian teacher and became very involved in more of a Hindu-based, um, practice. And so it’s sort of this mixture now of both of those. Um, I feel very strongly tied to my Vi- Vipassana practice, but, um, I love my Hindu deities. Mm-hmm. And so we have a lot of that in common because we have been on these three - pilgrimages to India and lived in an ashram there, and practiced, with our teacher, and that included a lot of chanting, and walking meditation. Um, so the- yeah, I would say it was, it was parallel. It was like we were in the same Petri dish and- but we were different embryos Mm-hmm ... bubbling along at the same time, supporting each other, and it is something that we still talk about together. Um, consciousness is, like, my husband’s favorite topic to talk about. What is consciousness? We should have him on here next. I’m just saying. We should because he’s really quite- Mm ... yeah, I mean, he’s, he’s quite deep, you know? I mean, unfortunately he’s physically challenged right now. Um, so, but he’s, he’s great. Sits in his chair all day and reads and, um, and then we have conversations, and that’s wonderful. Yeah. Yeah. So 50 years together. Well, no, 50- 53 years together. Wow. And that, you know, people ask me about my relationship with him because we do live in a, in a way, rather parallel lives because- Mm-hmm ... of our physical abilities. Um, and I, I, I think this is true of any relationship, and especially any long-term relationship, it is a spiritual practice- To love the person that he has become- ... and the person who he still is. And, there are some things about him that have changed, and there are many things that haven’t changed. And, uh, so it’s, it’s a spiritual practice to be in a relationship for this long, to love, to love him for who he is even though we can’t do much together anymore, so. Becky: I know when you were... No, please go. Mm. Christina: That’s okay. Actually, you probably should first. Becky: .. the weepiness that, that hit me earlier when you were talking about having supportive partners and i- those choices, and yeah, it really struck me. I do have an amazing supportive partner, and it does feel like a spiritual practice. I mean, we’ve grown... ... This is our 10-year wedding anniversary this year, and, um, even in those 10 years, there, you know, there’s, there’s ups and downs, but those downs have, like... It has been a practice, and it’s been such a beautiful practice to grow together, and I just love the way you, you speak about that, and I do think, you know, 50 years down the line, um... Yeah, I don’t even... I don’t know if you have words for it, Christina, but it really struck me. Obviously, it struck you as well. Christina: Yeah. Um. Whoo, man. It’s such a beautiful thought. I’ve never thought of it that way. I’ve never thought of- I’ve never thought of it that way, having a re- a be- and a long-term relationship being a spiritual practice. Um, and it touches me so deeply because I have so many examples of that. I’m living one. I’m only 40, but I’ve been with Andrew for almost 20 years, and I think, um... I’m, I’m watching it happen in my parents. Sarah: Mm-hmm. Christina: Uh, I saw it, my grandparents were together for 75 years. Maybe 72. It was, like, in the 70s. Hmm. Um, and everyone who’s made it so long will... Or at least my family, they would say, “We’re not perfect. It’s just like you. We’re, we’re trying. There have been hard things. There have been-” Yeah. But to think of it as a spiritual practice, and I think it touches me so deeply because I’m, I’m hearing you talk about transformation, metamorphosis at 76. At 40, I’m in, in it, in that place where the threads that make me come alive are weaving into this tangible form, and I feel like, “Oh, wow, now I can step forward into my life knowing what I’m here to offer,” clearly right now. Mm-hmm. I can step forward into my partnership of two decades at this point and, and witness the more that I reveal my own spiritual center, the more that my partner is allowed to reveal his. And- Sarah: That, that’s it. Christina: It’s it. Mm-hmm. And, and, and I, I mean, even to the f- oh, wow, my mother, whose mom just passed at 96, um, lived with her mom as she was dying, and she, she gave her f- full... My mom was her medical proxy, and she was like, “Okay, you’re gonna go home. You wanna go on hospice and die in your home, I’m gonna live with you.” So she did for the last three weeks. And, um, my dad watched her do that, uh, said, “Obviously, yes, this is something you should do,” ‘cause my mom went home and sort of, like, asked for permission, but didn’t really ask, was basically just, like, telling him what she was gonna do. And, um, and he said, “Obviously, you should do this.” And we all watched her fully express her gifts to her own mother as she was dying. And my dad, so this is, this is a man who’s been married to this woman since they were in their early 20s, and, um, she was a nursing home nurse for many, many years. So this is a calling for her that’s been around for a long time. And, um, she’s always said, “Chris, I think, like older people, a lot of people might think that they have nothing to share, but what are they doing? They’re so full of wisdom.” I Sarah: know. Yeah. Christina: And she’s just always known this, and she’s known how to hold the peace in a room and allow whatever needs to be expressed to be expressed. And so as she was allowing her own mother to have a conscious death, and she was the ground beneath my grandmother passing on her own terms, my dad sent this text to my sisters and I saying, “I have always known this was her gift, and I’ve never seen it in such a full expression, and we’re all able to watch as she does this thing that is miraculous.” And he said his mom had just passed, you know, six months earlier. He said, “I couldn’t do what she’s doing right now.” And he just want- like he wanted to share with us how much of a marvel this whole experience was to him as a man who was watching his life partner do this really hard and loving and deeply spiritual thing. And, um, so even then I’m, I’m ... Like so many tiers of spiritual partnership that you’ve like ... That went somewhere very deep. Um, I thank you for, for framing it that way. That’s just exactly right. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. I’m gonna be thinking about that one for a long time. Um, yeah. So, thanks. Sarah: Oh, you’re so welcome, and I honestly believe that- It’s not just me speaking. I always feel like I’m pulling down universal wisdom that needs to be put out. Christina: You are. Yeah. I mean- Sarah: Yeah. Christina: You are ... once we all Sarah: stop- Yeah ... Christina: thinking that it’s us. This has been my experience over the last two years. It’s, like, the thought that I have in my brain to share in this conversation is meant to be shared. Don’t block it. Sarah: Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Don’t second-guess it. Becky: Mm-hmm. Sarah: Yeah. So thank you for re- re- responding so honestly and beautifully and lovingly, ‘cause r- really it is, it just comes down to love. Christina: Baseline for everything. Sarah: Yeah. It is, yeah. Baseline for everything. Hmm. Unconditional, as you’ve said. Christina: Yeah. Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. Without judgment. Um, yeah, so... Oof Christina: The music was recorded live as a part of the sound service at 3S Art Space in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in January 2025, where musicians responded to the changing light in the room that reflected and refracted through Christina’s suspended artwork. Andrew Halchak, the composer of this piece, is playing bass clarinet, and Tomas Cruz and Katie Siler are singing Becky: So it’s still new for me, but I can say with 100% certainty that it will never get old for me either. I love you. Thank you for showing me the way to Maine. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit noticingpod.substack.com [https://noticingpod.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Opening the aperture

In this episode, we honor the wild ride of being human. Human beings are emotional creatures, yet we hide our true feelings so often. We discuss how emotion is designed to move through the body. Becky candidly shares the difference between now and then, when she used to habitually ignore a big feeling because she wasn’t aware of it in her body, and how now she is able to recognize her emotions and let them flow as they need to. Christina’s twins have taught her how to flow with the breadth of her humanity, sometimes needing to resort to screaming into pillows in a safe room away from crying babies. We discuss the grief that comes with transitions and how when we open the aperture on what we are willing to feel, everything washes through. Joy is felt, rage is felt, difficulty and lightness. Everything in life is in relationship. You cannot have light without dark. We navigate the difference between big and small ideas, and how we both sense a change in the current of universal flow of life right now. It’s asking each of us to connect with and honor the unique gifts and perspectives we are gifted from somewhere else and to trust that and boldly offer it to this world. Episode Transcript Christina: Yes. This is what it’s all about. I love hearing you describe, like, how it is to be, how it feels to be so fully alive. Because, uh, like, like even in the, in the podcast episode that I just recorded with Pat, he asked some specifics about, like, how to get to a place of noticing and if it was just something I came here with or what, and I was like, “Ah.” Like I’m actually... I don’t know if I’m the person. I would need help trying to figure out, like, how to get somewhere. I’m not someone who can be like, “Here are the three ways you get to learn how to notice,” you know? Ugh, but having things reflected back to me, like, I never noticed the bird song before, or I never noticed that I could, like, decide to have a conversation with someone before. These are what all of our conversations on noticing help me realize is, like, things that I would’ve found so obvious are really not obvious to, to many people. So it’s really helpful. Okay. I’ll tell Ashley you said hi. Bye. Becky: Welcome to Noticing, a podcast about nothing and everything same time. In this week’s episode, we honor the wild ride being human in all of our big emotions, our uncomfortable emotions, how we allow them to flow through us, how we scream them out, shake them out. We also talk about the grief that comes with transitions and how when we can open the aperture on what we’re willing to feel, everything washes through. Joy is felt, rage is felt, difficulty and lightness, because you can’t have light without the dark. So I hope you enjoy Christina: Um, I had a thought. Instead of you having to hold the grounding, do you want me to sing for us? Becky: Ah, yes. I do. Yeah. That’s beautiful. Yeah. Thank you for that Christina: Um, you ready? Okay Be nice Becky: Thank you Christina: It’s nice for me too. Becky: Mm. Yeah. I’m really, inspired by and excited to witness you, the speed at which you’re trusting yourself and just saying, “Thought? Yes.” Like, this just occurred to me, and here it comes. Christina: Mm-hmm. Becky: There’s no delay, and I love it. Christina: It’s, yeah, it’s very freeing because I was, literally as we just got on, I was like, “Huh, this probably makes sense. I’m gonna say it.” Becky: Yeah. Yeah. It just speaks to such a deep trust and an honoring of Whew. My emotions are like right on the surface today, so, uh, who knows where this is gonna go. But it just speaks to such a trust and an honoring of what’s gifted to you. It feels like a different relationship to thoughts and, and emotions and, and inspirations that feels very reverent of like this is a gift that just came to me. Um, and honoring it by letting it, letting it live. Letting it live, letting it come into life Christina: Yeah, I mean, I think these conversations have helped me, um, have helped me just trust things even more deeply. Yeah. I was trusting things pretty deeply already. Becky: Yeah. Christina: And, um, yeah, these conversations in addition to facilitating these, these energy sessions, it’s like I just hear myself more clearly. Yeah. In, in a collaborative way with like whatever wants to come through. It’s like I hear myself- Mm ... and it’s, it’s myself and it’s also not myself. Becky: Yeah. Christina: You know, like a knock. Knock, knock. Becky: Yeah. Christina: Yeah. Becky: I, I think what what strikes me is I recognize how- How many times in my life I have looked at th- the thoughts that come into my mind as a problem to be solved. And even in the world of, um, in the world of mindfulness and healing, you know, it can be like you have these intrusive thoughts or, you know, you have a busy mind, and it’s just such a reframe to look at even the in- intrusive thoughts as a gift, as something to, you know, be looked at. And sure, there might be work to change your relationship with it. Not every single thought is going to be like, um... Yeah, you have to be in a relationship with the thoughts to, to kinda discern where they’re coming from. Mm-hmm. But just that shift from like I’m broken with this busy mind to every thought that comes into your h- to your mind is a gift from something, and how can you work with them? And I recognize a lot of intrusive thoughts do not feel like gifts. So, um, I don’t know. It’s just kind of making me I feel like witnessing you say yes and honor the thought so quickly is making me kind of sit with my relationship to my own thoughts in a different way Christina: Yeah. I mean, I’m coming at this too as, as like a, as a, as someone who’s expresses thoughts creatively as a teacher. Like, my creative impulses have taught me how to listen to the rest of my thoughts more honestly. And so when I think about what you’re saying, I don’t really have intrusive thoughts, so I can’t really speak to that. But yeah, letting things through. It’s like at this point in my life at 40, there are things that I can remember thinking at 20 that I did not allow out. And they’re still around, so, like, clearly they wanna come through. Um, in fact, I was, I was, um, talking with... You know how when you’re in high school and you, you get asked to, like, interview somebody who is doing something that you might want to be doing in your future? Mm-hmm. And it’s a project. I had a, a really good friend of mine, her daughter interviewed me as an artist. She’s thinking maybe she wants to be an artist, and one of the questions that she asked me, was, um, “What advice would you give to someone who maybe wants to become an installation artist of some sort?” And I said, uh, “Don’t be afraid of your biggest ideas. Don’t be afraid of your ideas because the chances are they are in you because they want to come out of you.” ... I was just... It was just a quick answer in these, in this conversation with her, but then her mom, my good friend, came, um, and told me that that was the thing that landed the most for her. And she said, “You know, ‘cause I really do have these big ideas, Mom, and sometimes I wonder, like, are they too big? Are they too-” Mm ... whatever. So what a great thing, what a great permission slip for her to just not be afraid of those things. Yeah. Because that’s what I’m hearing loud and clear right now for myself, is just, like, those thoughts, they are... They’re coming from somewhere. Becky: They are. That, that’s what I believe. You know, where are they coming from? We d- I don’t have to know where, but I know it’s not from me. And as you’re speaking, I’m thinking of these times that we’re living in and the challenges we face. We don’t need small ideas. We need people’s biggest, most audacious ideas. So what a beautiful permission slip to give everyone. If you have a big idea coming through you, can you trust that that’s what the world needs? Christina: Yeah. Um, yes, and by being someone who actively shows that trust all the time, uh, I wanna be that type of person. I wanna be someone who shows people what it looks like to get an idea and trust it. Um- Yeah. It’s, it’s making me think of the fact, you know, we have this little group that we’re a part of that meets in my studio once a month, and we’re all sort of, we’re all thinking, we’re all playing around similar themes in what- we’re here to bring into the world. And the beautiful thing that I have been noticing is that the same, arguably the same big idea, if you think of it like hovering over all of us, will filter through each of us very differently. Becky: Yes. Christina: And that’s the point. Becky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like Ashley, who’s in our group and who’s been on, on this podcast before said we’re all swimming in the same water, and that’s how it feels. But yeah, the way we swim is going to look very different. But you can feel it. You can feel this like we’re all kind of getting at the same thing. And I don’t even know if I could name what that same thing is. It just feels... Yeah, I th- I like the water metaphor ‘cause it does feel like, um... It makes me think of flow, and like we’re kind of all in the same flow, and that flow feels tied to a universal f- flow that I just feel deep in every fiber of my being is what wants to... what this time is all about. And I would never be so bold as to put words to what it is, ‘cause I think it’s a little bit beyond words, but I just feel it. There’s an awakening. There’s a change in the current of the flow of life right now. And, and what I know it’s asking of us, all of us, is for our big ideas, to trust our big ideas, to connect with and honor the very unique gifts and perspectives that we’re gifted from somewhere else, and to trust that and to boldly put it out into this world. Mm. Especially the people who are in bodies that have been on the margins. Christina: Yeah, and as I talk to different people about this exact thing, ‘cause a lot of my conversations revolve kind of around this topic, um, big, the word big doesn’t necessarily mean life-changing ideas. I think sometimes a- acting on something small- ... can feel massive because of how brave it feels, because those things are, those, those things that are the truest. When I think of, like, release your biggest ideas, like, let us know your biggest ideas, those... When I say big, big equals true. Big equals, like, authentic to you, which feels scary because- Scary it’s incredibly vulnerable. Um, so big doesn’t mean, you know, you start the next social media platform or, um, you know- Mm ... Target or The Home Depot or, like, some big thing that exists- ... or something that equals a lot of money. It’s just, like- Say what’s in you Becky: Mm-hmm. What makes you quiver a little bit when you think about doing it? Christina: Yeah. And typically for me, I can sense... You know, I call it a directional feeling, but, like, I can sense when something is true if it makes me feel equally as terrified as it does excited. Becky: Mm, yes. Yeah. Christina: And a lot of times I think the terrified aspect of that feeling is a deterrent for people. Becky: Yeah. It’s because it’s uncomfortable. It’s, y- you know, it’s a very alive feeling, and whether you name it terrified or you name it excited depends on your relationship to the sensations that are running through your body. And how you relate to that depends on your personal history, your orientation within society, so how safe you feel, um, how firmly you are rooted in your own belonging. Like, these are the things that are going to determine whether or not that it feels safe enough to name it excitement and do it anyway, or name it terrified and make you shy away. So that’s why I’m so passionate about resourcing as many people as possible with knowledge and practices so that they have the inner resiliency to tolerate that discomfort and say, “Yeah, this feeling feels big. It feels excited, but it also feels terrified depending on...” Like, they’re waves, right? Mm-hmm. Like, you know, I’m deep in these waves of, um, fear and excitement right now, and what I’m noticing is it’s all down to how I relate to the sensations coming through my body. So one moment I’m sobbing because I’m leaving this place that I love, where I’m comfortable, where I know people, where it’s known. And if I wasn’t able to tolerate those sensations, I would quickly go to, “I’ve made a mistake. I- what am I doing?” You know? And that would, like, f- it feels like a retraction. But because I’m able to tolerate the discomfort of the grief, you know, um, I’m able to ride the wave and let it move through me and let myself sob, and then come out the other side and say, “Okay, back to packing.” You know? Back to doing the thing that feels big for me, ‘cause you’re right. Like, I’m not creating the next Google right now. I’m just moving. But for me, that feels big because it did feel like it did make me quiver for a long time. But it feels like I’m being called to this Christina: Yeah. Do you wanna talk a little bit about how this feels different? ‘Cause you’ve ta- talked to me outside of this, our conversations on here, about how you’re noticing a difference in yourself with this- Mm ... discomfort and this, like, contraction. Feels like a contraction. Becky: Yeah. Christina: Birth contraction- ... and expansion or something. Ooh. Yeah. Becky: That’s actually a... Yeah, it is a birth. I’m birthing a new version of my life, and there are times when there’s contraction, and it’s painful, you know? Um, yeah. So I’ve been reflecting a lot on, on my journey and times in my life when... I’ve kind of identified that there’s been times in my life where I felt the contraction, and I didn’t move forward, so it stopped me from, uh, doing the thing I wanted to do. And the thing that comes to mind is when I left grad school. It got really hard, and I wasn’t able to hold it, and so I ran. I left, you know? And I have no regrets, ‘cause it, it led me to where I am, so I have absolutely no regrets. But I’m just reflecting on, okay, that was a time when I didn’t have the resources to hold the discomfort and the contraction, so I left something that I really wanted, that was a yes for me, that was a calling. And then there were big moments where I did the thing anyway, the scary thing, but I didn’t have the resources to feel the feelings. And what came to mind is, uh, the year after Tarra and I got married, we left New York City. We, bought a travel trailer and traveled around the country for a year, so it was a big thing. But because I didn’t have the tools and resources to actually feel that, the bigness of what we were doing and the fear of it and the, the grief of leaving New York City, I didn’t have the tools to process any of it, so it just got buried. And it, um, it came out in really toxic ways. ‘Cause it always comes out, right? The idea that you can bury your feelings is not true. It al- it’s like water, right? It wants to m- it wants to move through us, and if you try to dam up water, eventually it will find a way. It will come out the sides. It will come over the top, whatever. It will come out in all the ways that are unnatural, and you’ll feel that. And I felt it. There were repercussions for years of bottling up those, those very understandable emotions. Um, and this time- I have the resources, so I’m able to do the hard thing, the yes, you know, the big thing that’s calling me, and feel the feelings. So yes, it feels hard, but I feel So correct. It feels like I’m in flow. It feels like, yes, I’m doing this hard thing. It feels alive. It feels like I’m just following what life is asking of me, and I feel such an inner strength because I know I can handle it. Moment by moment, when I’m laying on the couch watching tennis, and all of a sudden this wave of sadness comes over, I can sob, and I can be witness in my grief, and, um, I can say, “This is natural. Of course I’m feeling this. Of course. This is the most natural thing in the world.” Yeah. And then a few minutes later, it passes, and then I’m back to watching tennis Mm-hmm ... or packing or whatever it is, taking the next step. Um- Yeah. It’s, it’s really clarified for me why I am so passionate about teaching the tools that have got me here. Because the, the inner strength that I feel, the freedom that I feel, the power f- that I feel is, um Yeah, it’s kind of indescribable Christina: So okay, I have, um, I have some thoughts. When, when, so when you say in this road trip that you took that was really tricky, and you might notice something come up and you would not express it, like you would push it down, and then it would come out sideways later, do you mean... Like, what did that look like? Would that look like, for example, you being in a tiny room ... shared a moving trailer with your wife- Yeah ... for a year, um, and feeling like, like did you feel like you just had to pretend? Would you just pretend that things weren’t wrong, and you would maybe make it sort of light when it actually you were feeling really frustrated? Or like how did it look in the moment as opposed to just recognizing feelings as they come up and letting them be expressed and letting them go through? Becky: Hmm. I think it l- it probably looks different for everyone, um, ... This is my hypothesis. If you’re not feeling the feelings that are alive, you don’t feel safe in some way. There’s something in your history, whether that’s your individual history or s- your orientation to society, there is something that makes it feel unsafe to feel those feelings. So when you feel unsafe, you’re acting from a place of survival, right? If ... When you feel safe, you’re relaxed. When you don’t feel safe, your, your body feels like it’s in danger. So you resort to any survival techniques that you learned when you were little. So for me, it’s control. That, that is the coping mechanism that I learned as, as a young person. Um, so it would manifest in me of control. So it was like, um, like I feel out of control because this feels scary. How can I reassert some sort of control? Which the control is always a f- you know, it’s false. It’s like grasping at control, but it’s not real. So it would manifest in, like, trying to ch- keep the trailer really clean, and, like, then turning on Tarra for, um, anything she was doing. So ... Like, trying to control the entire environment around me, which included trying to control my wife that I love, you know? Mm. Um, and that comes from my personal history of, like, you know, the way my biological father was and, you know, things that I, I learned as a youngster. So I don’t know that that is universal. But I would say whatever coping mechanisms you learned as a child, that’s what will come up if you don’t feel safe enough to just let the emotions move through you. Christina: ... I’m, I’m really interested in, in, like, parsing this out. Mm-hmm. So what would it look like to you if you, Becky now- Mm-hmm ... were in that situation? How would you ... How would it look different? Becky: It looks different because I have a deeper connection with my body ‘Cause the emotions come through our bodies, and for most of my life, I felt disconnected from my body. So I wouldn’t even recognize the physiological sensations that happen with emotion. So I wouldn’t even be able to tell you what I was feeling. It was that far pushed down- Oh ... that I couldn’t identify... I, it’s not like I was saying, “Oh, hi, fear. Goodbye, fear.” It wasn’t like that. It was like I didn’t even have an awareness that I was feeling fear, ‘cause I was that disconnected. So now it starts with I’m just in my body more. I’ve learned how to be in my body, and it was a practice, and it was a slow practice over time. Um, and what I really know now is, and what I hope everyone can hear, is that was intelligent. That was an intelligent response of my being to be disassociated from my body. Mm. It was a survival tactic. I don’t... It’s not wrong. I’m not broken. This process of coming back into my body, back into home in my body, it’s not because I was wrong. It’s, it’s an evolution of my journey. Um, yeah. Yeah. And, and also, there were plenty of moments along my journey where I had to get really angry. Christina: Yeah. Uh, Becky: Angry about the things that caused me to disassociate. Both things are true. Christina: Yeah. So, like, if you were stuck in a trailer... I know I keep bringing it back to this exact thing, but you’re really helping- Yeah me understand this. ... if you were back in a trailer with Tarra, and you were feeling frustrated, and instead of disassociating and- Mm-hmm ... reaching for control, what would it look like now? Would you pause, recognize- Yes ... the feeling, take a deep breath, say, “I am feeling this thing. I need to take a walk. Can we stop?” Like, what would, what would your literal steps be instead of shutting it down? Becky: You just named it. It’s- Okay ... it’s noticing, “Whoo, I’m feeling activated.” And activation can feel different in everyone’s body. For me, it’s like my heart’s racing a little bit. I’m feeling uncomfortable. Like, if I’m in a conversation, and I’m just like, “I want it to stop now,” that’s a sign that I’ve learned that I need to pause. I need to pause for a second. I need to take a breath, and a lot of times I do need to step away. I need to, like, step away for a second and have the- allow the emotion to come out fully, because I think sometimes for me, if I’m being witnessed in it, it- there’s a little bit of a, at least at this point in my journey, just a little bit of a censoring. So it’s helpful for me to step away, especially if it’s anger. Anger is really... I think for a lot of people, anger is really hard to fully express because we don’t have examples of what it looks like to safely express anger. - in my personal history, I had a, um, I had an example of expressing anger in a very unhealthy, unsafe way. So that’s in my personal history, but even in our societal culture, there aren’t good examples of what does it look like to express rage, to express anger. So I notice I, I still need a little bit of space. I need to, like, be alone so I can express it in whatever way it needs to come out in that moment and not worry about how this will f- affect someone else. And then I come back, and then it passes. Honestly, it passes so fast. That, that is what has been really profound to recognize, is that they don’t stick around. That’s what we’re so afraid of, is that we’ll get stuck in this feeling forever. And it passes so fast, and then I come back, and it’s like, “Okay, let’s deal with the thing. I’m, I’m, I’m back,” you know? Um, so yeah, you named the process exactly as it is. It starts with actually noticing there’s something. It starts in the body. It always starts in the body. What am I feeling? What’s my heart doing? What, you know, do I feel... What do I feel, you know? And those s- sensations, it could be heat in your hands, it could be, like, just something has changed from moment to moment in my body. I need to pause and suss out what’s happening. Not with my mind, but just, like, be with it, and, like, let it move through Christina: Thank you. Becky: Thank you for asking. Christina: Yeah, that was helpful because I’ve, I’ve heard you talk about this and how the trailer in particular was a, was a tricky time where you would maybe bottle things up more. Um, and I’m thinking about, as a parent with three young kids who ... I think children do an incredible job of letting their feelings through. I don’t think they have, um, awareness of them necessarily at the ages that m- my youngest are, I guess. But, um, I’m thinking, like, one of the things that my kids have taught me is that It is not my job to fix their feelings. Mm-hmm. Um, it is my job to allow them to express them even though it makes me frustrated. So, uh, you know, I have... Like, my twins, the t- my two girls are, like, really, really, really expressive feelers, and still sometimes. It just, it has to come out of them, and I think you were visiting recently and you even asked, like, “What happens if Sunny has a tantrum at six years old or whatever?” Which is totally normal. And, um, I learned a long time ago, ‘cause it was like they came so fast and so often, and were so intense with both girls, that, fixing them actually, like, it felt like a tornado. They were spinning out, and if I tried to fix them, I would just get, like, sucked into it, and then I would spin around with them, and then everyone was out of control, and it felt really bad. And if I just stayed as steady as I possibly could, which was very hard- ... um, I would be like the stone on top of which the tornado could spin. And I use the ima- the metaphor of a stone because that’s not... That’s something that’s so grounded that it can’t be spun up in this thing. And they would... It would be done. Like, 90 seconds. So fast. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But it’s so intense when it’s happening. And then they would just be like, “Can I have a snack?” Like it would- Yeah. It would go, it would go from this incredible, intense thing, and I might say, like, “Wow, this is a big feeling.” And what I would do to calm myself is hum or sing. That helps me, um, in, like, a scary basement or a very scary tantrum. I... It helps me ground, is to sing. And, um, yeah, and then it would be over. And there have even been times afterwards where I would ask them, “Hey, when you’re having a big feeling like that, is there something I can do to help you?” And they would just be like, “I don’t know.” I don’t know. Um, ‘cause it’s not... Like, there’s no path, at least right now, where those don’t exist. Yeah. Like, there’s no possible way that I could try to make a life so that there are no tantrums in my children. Um, and honestly, sometimes what they probably wanted was me to hold them with as much love as possible, but that was not in me at the time. I couldn’t. It was taking all that I could just to not scream, like primal scream, ‘cause I didn’t wanna be there. Becky: - so many things popped up. The two things I do wanna mention that, that tickles me so is how it’s kind of like a perfect example of, uh, how we come at these things from such different places. Yes. Even the fact that you are like, “It’s like 90 seconds.” The research actually indicates that that’s how long it takes- ... the physiological sensations to move through your body and dissipate, is 90 seconds. That’s the average. So I love that you like called out that it’s 90 seconds. It really is. It really is. And the other thing that you mentioned about the humming and the singing, humming activates the vagus nerve- Mm ... which brings on calm. So you’re like intuitively doing these things that other people can, can pick up and practice, you know? So one of the key teachings I tell people when they’re trying to get used to discomfort is set a timer for 90 seconds. You know, do- Yeah ... intentional discomfort training for 90 seconds, and that w- and, and you can start with 10. You know, find something uncomfortable. This is why I love cold water immersion, but it could be whatever you want. Set the timer for 30 seconds and build up to 90 seconds ‘cause if you can train your body to sit in that discomfort for 90 seconds, then when the tantrum comes or the big emotion comes, you’ve done the reps, you’ve done the work so that you can tolerate it. ‘Cause that’s all it is, is like tolerating that discomfort of those 90 seconds so that they can move through, you know? Um, the other thing, uh, the other thing that I wanted to share is, uh, so when I was just there recently, Sunny did have a little tantrum. That’s why I asked. And it was like so sweet. She... Like, I was the only adult outside, so she like looked to me. I’m sure if you were there she would’ve gone to you. But she came over to me and like, to tell me what was happening. She was in tears. And I w- it was uncomfortable for me because I don’t know what to do, right? And I was like, “You know, I’m just gonna rub her back. I’m just... I, I have no words. I don’t know what to say. I’m just gonna s- sit here and rub her back.” And we just sat there. And I did feel like a rock, like a rock just like being with her. Um, and it was... I mean, personally, it was a very sweet moment, but it was also a reminder, ‘cause I could watch her kind of calm down. She still wanted her mom. She still came into you afterwards, but- Yeah ... um, but you could feel the, the actual sensations kind of leaving her body, and it was really cool to witness. Um and what’s also striking me is- we grow up and we learn how to be in relationship with those big feelings that we have as a kid. But what makes us think that the big feelings don’t happen in adults when they happen in children? You know? That just makes no sense to me. It’s like we are conditioned through our life to Turn down those emotions. But I’m interested in a world where we don’t turn down those emotions, because once you start turning down emotions, there’s no dial for rage- Yeah and that’s separate from the dial for joy and aliveness. There is one dial for emotions. You either turn it way up and let it all in, or you turn it way down and you let- you restrict all of them. Yeah. So, like, yeah, let’s all feel... Like, sure, have your tantrum in a safe space by yourself and be your own parent. Don’t take it out on people around you when you’re an adult, but can you find a safe space where you can have a tantrum? If you really need, need to let out rage, can, can you find... They even have rage rooms. Like, is there a rage room in your... Although the research is kind of, eh. Yeah. Do your own discernment on this because sometimes they say it’s practicing, uh, rageful behavior, so I’m not an... I will say this, I’m not an expert on that, but, you know, find a way that you can safely, uh, release those feelings instead of turning the dial down. Christina: Yeah, really. I think this is a misconception actually that, like, that you can choose. Yeah. But you really, you really can’t. I, I mean, as an example, I consider myself a very buoyant and light person, and still, throughout the day, all of these feelings are coming through as they’re coming through. So, like, when my grandmother passed away, when Mimi passed away, it was a very beautiful letting go, but I still had to come in here and lay down and have fits and sobs and full body heaves in order to let that grief out, and then it wasn’t with me. And it comes in waves sometimes too. Um, but even to use the twins as an example, I mean, I got two kids who are so far from me. Life does not come easily to them. .. It comes in fits and storms and really deep, dark depths, and my job is to be with that, which is very hard because I am not that way and I never had to learn how to do that until I had twins at the same time in COVID with a firefighter husband. And it was just like, “Oh, excuse me while I scream into a pillow.” Yeah. So I literally would have to do that sometimes because- Becky: Yeah ... Christina: they would be raging so hard at me, and I couldn’t... It was, like, overflowing. Mm-hmm. And I would say, “I’m- Mom’s just gonna go take a deep breath.” And then they would be like, “You can’t!” And they would race and, like, hit my body, which just made me feel even worse. And so then I would have to close the door of a room and keep it closed while they were shaking it open, and I would have to just, “Ah!” ah, just like scream into this pillow until it was out. And it would work until I filled up with the rage again. But it’s like very much a bucket metaphor. Becky: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Christina: Um, yeah. It was like, man. And now, like when- Mm ... the feeling comes... I mean, I wasn’t really bottling it up then either, but it’s just, it’s this, like you fill up with joy, you release joy through laughter, you fill up with rage, you release it into a pillow or whatever- ... it is that you do. Cold plunging helped too. Yeah. Um, but isn’t it fascinating, even with cold, with cold water, I always tell people if you can get past that 90-second thing. Mm-hmm. Becky: 90 seconds. Christina: Mm-hmm. It’s incredible. Becky: It’s all it takes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But if you don’t know that, you think you’re, it’ll last forever. Mm-hmm. It, it’s amazing to me that we, we h- have these bodies, we have these brains, and we’re not given a manual. Christina: Yeah. Becky: You know? But that is the... You know, there’s plenty I rage against the moment that we live in now and the society we live in now, and there’s plenty that I rage against technology and social media and the internet. And still, we’re as close to having a manual for the human body as we ever have been. The information’s out there, you know, to learn how to work with the mechanisms of this shell that we inhabit. It’s out there. You can find that out, and then you can take that information and practice u- practice utilizing it in your life, you know? When you know, now anyone who’s listening knows, that the sensations of emotions, which are just sensations in our nervous system in our body, will only last for 90 seconds. Any person can play with that in their life and set a timer, Why is this not taught in school? Like, why is this not... I mean, we could go to all the whys and that would be a very different podcast, but, but maybe asking the question, if we all start asking that question collectively, why am I not taught this in school? Why are my kids... Your kids are being taught this in school, which gives me hope for the future. Um, or maybe the, the why question isn’t as helpful. Maybe it’s just an acknowledgement of I wasn’t taught this- Yeah ... growing up. It’s not a deficiency. It’s n- it’s just a... We’ve got, you know, 10,000-year-old brains that no one told us how to use Christina: I think people are understanding that, um Yeah. I mean, even, even Daniel Tiger, which is a kids show, and they have songs about all sorts of things, like going to the bathroom and like- ... you know, lots of things. But there is one that’s, um, that’s when you feel... When you feel so mad that you wanna roar, take a deep breath and count to four. And they do it. They literally, like... ‘Cause nobody wants to do it, and even Daniel Tiger is like, “Rawr.” “I’m mad.” And then they, like the whole f- 20-minute episode has this through it, like 12 times, and you just- Mm ... take a deep breath. My, um, my niece, uh, she, uh, does this all the time. My sister has taught her that all the time, and they sing the song, and it’s just, like, really annoying as a parent to have to sing this stupid song so much. But- Yeah ... um, but it really works. Becky: Yeah. Christina: Just take a deep breath, even counting to four. Yeah. Counting. Yeah, so there’s your rage room. Just count to 90. Becky: Yeah. Yeah. See what Christina: happens. Becky: I love that you scream into a pillow. I went to a meditation, a group meditation once in San Francisco, and they handed everyone a scream towel, and that was part of the meditation, was screaming into this towel. It’s incredible. If people have never tried screaming into a towel as loud as you can, it is so cathartic. It’s, it’s, like, really powerful Christina: It really is. And then it also kind of hurts a little bit. It hurts my throat. But I, I don’t know where it came from. No, I w- I didn’t read a book or see a reel or anything. I was just like, “What can I do right now? The only option left is screaming into a pillow.” ‘Cause, like, I didn’t want them to feel like it was them that I was screaming at. Becky: Exactly. Well, that’s what I meant by, like, it, it will come out in toxic ways. It will come out the side. It will... If you are a parent, and don’t take this as no parent guilt h- here. You’re doing the best you can, but it will c- your kids will feel it. It will come out in different ways, and they will pick up on it. Um, so if you think that holding it in is s- like saving anyone, it’s not. You gotta let it out. Christina: No, I tried. And then there was one time where I couldn’t take a deep breath in the room, and I literally screamed at my kid. Mm. Everybody does it. Yeah, yeah. Like, nobody’s perfect. I opened the door and was like, “I said I needed a deep breath.” And I will never forget the face that met me there, and I was just like- Mm ... “Whoop, time to scream into a pillow instead.” Becky: Yep. Christina: Yeah. Gotta do that. Becky: Yeah. Christina: Yeah. Everybody meets their maker. Um, but those, those two beautiful people helped me, um, helped me express the full breadth of my humanity. Still are- Becky: Yeah, yeah ... Christina: helping me do that. Becky: Mm. Christina: And I f- I feel glad that they’ll have an example of somebody who, who talked about anger sometimes. Becky: Yeah. Christina: Who could sing a song, but also be like, “Oh yeah, you see me go out into the ocean so that I can denoodle my brain and not feel angry sometimes.” Becky: Yeah. It’s really powerful Christina: Who knows if it’s gonna work? I don’t know. I’m just doing my best. Becky: Well, that’s the thing, you have no control. Like, you- Mm ... there’s no control what a full time of life right now Christina: But I think when you’re, when you let all of your feelings in, this is my experience anyway, when you awaken to all of them, life is kind of always full. You know? Becky: Yeah. Christina: Yeah, I mean, I guess it’s particularly full for you right now ‘cause you’re literally days away from moving your entire life from one place to another, while also, uh, you know, moving towards a dream of what you offer into this world. That feels, that feels full. And yeah, a- and I think it’ll... I think it just always feels full. I keep waiting for the day that it’s not. And I just don’t think it... I don’t think so. Becky: Yeah. Uh, for me, it’s been a reorienting to what do I mean by full or what do I... It started with flow. Like, what do I mean by this feeling of flow? Mm. And now it’s, it’s also like, what do I mean by full? Like, what is a full life? And I th- I realized that I had all these messages s- you know, swimming in my consciousness around fullness and flow to mean the more comfortable feelings, the euphoric feelings, the- Oh ... you know, the happy feelings. Um, and that’s not life. Life is cyclical. Life has seasons, you know? So now, yeah, it’s full when I’m sobbing. It’s full when I feel excited about the next thing. It feels full when I’m, hugging friends for the last time or, like, you know, living here, whatever. Yeah, it’s all full. And finding fullness in, uh... I think when I started reorienting to full and flow are all the feelings, then I do start feeling full. Like right now I’m noticing the light dancing on your table back there. Christina: Mm-hmm. Becky: It’s like, it’s full. It’s everywhere. It is, it has opened the aperture for what, what I notice and what gives me that feeling of full. Christina: Yeah, but like this light that’s dancing on my table right now could move me to tears- Yeah ... because of flowing with life. Becky: Yeah. Christina: It, it can all rush into you and fill you so fully. That’s my experience of flow, is that you can get completely filled. You can get filled up by something that simple. Becky: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Christina: And you can get filled up with grief, too. Becky: Totally. Christina: It’s the same. Becky: Mm-hmm. When, uh, when... So I was at your house recently obviously, and I was sitting on your porch, and I think it was after our session with Kate, so I was just so exhausted and just sitting there. And one of the kids’ bikes was like laying on its side on the, on the front porch, and I just watched as the sun was hitting it and casting these shadows. And then the sun would go away, and I’d watch the shadows disappear, and then the sun would come out blazing, and it was this profound moment of flow, of really f- witnessing and feeling how we ne- you need the shad- like, it... You, you’re not just noticing light, right? Mm-hmm. You’re noticing the interplay of light and shadow. Because without the shadow, the light loses its meaning. Mm-hmm. You know? It’s the shadow of the bike that makes it interesting, ‘cause when the sun goes away and there’s no shadows, it’s kind of dull. But without the bike there to cast the shadow blocking the light, it’s not as interesting. It’s not as moving. It’s not... Like, every brilliant piece of art, whether it’s photography or, or painting, you need the shadows to contrast the light. Christina: Yeah. Yep. Yeah, it’s all in relationship. Yeah. I think about that a lot. It’s all in relationship. And I think sometimes life can serve us these really potent, uh, moments where you can... where it all gets very amplified. Like birth and death, for example, would be- ... two experiences where that happens, and everyone can catch that magnitude of life happening, right? Um, and I think if you’re open to it, and you are open to allowing That magnitude of life to flow so fully through you in all times, in watching light and dark get cascaded across a bike that’s been left on a front porch. Um, it’s... That is, that is like, to me, that’s such a beautiful way to experience this gift of living because it’s all right in front of you all the time. Mm-hmm. Like my... So my other, my other grandmother passed away last week, so I have now had both of my grandmothers pass in a matter of, like, six months. And, um, and my mom, this was my mom’s mom who just passed away, and she... My mom lived with her the last month and took care of her, and she would talk to me. I would call her, and she’d tell me kind of what was going on. I got the wonderful chance of going to sleep over one night and just be there and be present, and it felt so similar to the first days of a baby coming home with you, where all of these... You’re, you’re noticing all of these tiny things that are happening. And she would say, “We’re just going through these peaks and valleys together, and last night was a real peak, and now I know we’re headed into a valley.” And the way that she spoke of peaks and valleys was just... I mean, she’s so alive, my mom. This is Becky: your mom? Christina: Yeah. Yeah. She’s just so alive. She’s so in touch with what is in front of her, and, and slow time. And, um, yeah, to hear her talk about peaks and valleys, that’s something that’s gonna stick with me because that really is how it all feels. Becky: Yeah. Christina: It all feels like that. And yes, that was a very, like, hot, potent time of life that was amplified. Like, it feels like life was just, like, being projected out of this megaphone, and still that can feel just as, um, full as, like, your bike moment. Becky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it’s like we only have been given permission by society to have those full feelings around the beginning and the end, but what about the full life? Like, what a shame if you only open up that aperture in the beginning of lives and the ends of lives. Christina: Mm. Becky: Then what’s the point of living? Like, you have a whole lifetime in between to- To feel and to To feel That’s, that’s it. That’s, that’s what we’re here for. Whatever you believe happens before or after this life, I can guarantee you’re not gonna have feelings in a body like you do on this planet in this life. And yet that’s what we have... That’s, that’s what we’ve been told to turn down. You wanna look for something that AI cannot take away from you, it’s feeling feelings in your body. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What does it mean to be human? It’s not producing shit. It’s not even really creativity, ‘cause how do you define creativity? It’s feeling in your body. Mm-hmm. No computer, no machine will ever take that away Christina: The music was recorded live as a part of the sound service at 3S Art Space in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in January 2025, where musicians responded to the changing light in the room that reflected and refracted through Christina’s suspended artwork. Andrew Halchak, the composer of this piece, is playing bass clarinet, and Tomas Cruz and Katie Siler are singing Becky: Oh, my dear friend, I have never felt this alive in my entire life. I know that for a fact, and it’s as simple as I was at the coffee shop, and I think it started... I called Spectrum to, like, cancel my internet, and ended up having this lovely conversation with this woman, who lives in Florida, chatting about, moving to Maine. Um, and just being present and, like, recognizing her humanness and having the, like, presence and slowness to be intentional about what kind of conversations do I wanna have, even with, with everyone, you know? I think of, like, your bringing the flower to the delivery drivers, um, and how easy it is to lose that, to lose the humanity, and how grateful I am to have such full access to that right now. And then walking Jasper, it’d be easy for me to shove him in the car and go ‘cause we have plenty of stuff to do, but he really wanted a walk. And then just smelling the fresh cut grass and listening to the birds and having this interaction with this woman who thought Jasper was cute, and, like, slowing down enough to have that conversation, you know. It’s really incredible. It’s really incredible. Yeah. Life is full. I’m grateful. I love you This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit noticingpod.substack.com [https://noticingpod.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Continual Edge and the Hollow Bone

To mark the 20th episode, we came together without a guest. When we began this podcast 10 months ago, it was in response to a nudge we both had to just begin. Each episode has deepened us. We’ve planted seeds together and apart. We have leapt. For the first half of the episode, Becky shares how she and her family are moving to Maine where she suspects her creative energy will root and anchor her to the queasiness of uncertainty. We discuss what it feels like to be unmoored, how Pema Chodron teaches that change is constant, and the queasiness of uncertainty never goes away; only our relationship to it does. Both of us find ourselves unanchored right now, living life on an edge and learning to be there and stay in flow. Spoiler alert, it is destabilizing, difficult, and wonderful. In the second half of the episode, Christina shares candidly that her life is transforming in front of her, how through a series of events over the last six months, she has remembered that she is a healer. Lifelong mysticism and recent art installations in places of healing led her to this place. She notices light and makes art, and now when she touches people, she notices light move through them. This realization is asking her to see the world and her place in it differently. Christina shares how in many ways this shocks her while also feeling like the truest thing she has ever felt. As Terry Tempest Williams says, “what is mysticism but paying attention?” Go deeper into this episode * Watch Pema Chödrön discuss the queasy feeling and using uncertainty as the practice: * Read Christina’s latest substack (and subscribe if you aren’t already!) * Read Liturgies of the Wild by Martin Shaw, which contains the quote about geography as fate * Listen to The Nature Of podcast episode with Terry Tempest Williams: https://atmos.earth/podcast/uncovering-the-holy-ordinary-with-terry-tempest-williams/ [https://atmos.earth/podcast/uncovering-the-holy-ordinary-with-terry-tempest-williams/] * And PLEASE go look at the image of the 3D Universe!!! Every dot of light is an entire galaxy….and this is only an image of a very small segment of the observable Universe!!! https://noirlab.edu/public/images/noirlab2610a/zoomable/ [https://noirlab.edu/public/images/noirlab2610a/zoomable/] Episode Transcript Christina: I am on my way to go see my grandmother. Um, she’s waiting for me. So I’m going, and, um, I just read this message, and I love this. It’s very much how I see the world. Like, I-- It, it, it reminds me too of like I believe that I am God and you are God. And so the eye through which I see God is the same eye through which God sees me. It’s all saying the same beautiful thing where there is no separation and, um... Yeah. It’s like I-- It’s so, it’s so real. I don’t even have anything else to say because it’s just so correct. Becky: Welcome to Noticing: A Podcast About Nothing And Everything At The Same Time. To mark our 20th episode, Christina and I decided that it would be a good time to come back together again without a guest. So in this conversation, we talk about my upcoming move to Maine and what it’s like to live on a continual edge. In the second part of the conversation, Christina talks about some truly transformative things that have been happening in her life. Events that have felt both miraculous and obvious at the same time. To allow for a little more space for my upcoming move, we’re going to be taking a little bit of a break and coming back for the next episode on June 12. And in the meantime, I hope you enjoy We’re back. We’re back together. Christina: I know. It’s just the two of us now. It- we- we’re at episode 20, right? Becky: Episode 20. Christina: It was nice. You know, for a while it was ... Like, we established this together and it felt really good. Mm-hmm. And then it started to feel like maybe we could include some others. And then when we included others, that felt really good, and it still feels really good, but it’s kinda nice we both had the same inkling to just drop in a, a duo. You know? Becky: A du- kinda catch up with life, catch up with ... Um, things have changed a lot. So it’s been 10 months. So 20 episodes, 10 months. Mm. And yeah. Wow. Christina: ... You know, even between episodes I feel like we’ve been making these massive leaps in ourselves and just ... Yeah. I mean, you’re, you’re about to move here. Becky: Yeah, it’s been, like, the most obvious and easy and effortless journey, and also moments of what is happening. It, it’s like, it’s definitely all the feelings. I’ve been reflecting a lot on this lately because I’ve been feeling so ... Untethered is the word that I’ve been using, where I just feel strange, you know? Because there aren’t the rhythms and routines that I had before because we’re in the process of moving. So I’ve just been sitting with this untethered feeling, and I stumbled upon this, interview with Pema Chödrön, and she was talking about getting used to the queasiness. I like this word that she used, the queasiness of uncertainty, and how uncertainty is actually the practice. So yeah, I’ve been really sitting with that, of, of it’s an uncertain time in my life, but it’s also such an uncertain time now. But as she was reminding, reminding me, I re-listened to it last night, uh, that life is always uncertain, that it feels particularly, untethered and uncertain right now, but it’s... That’s not... This is, this is actually the truth of life, is there are no certainties in life. We can, fall into a sense of, control and a sense of something to grasp onto. Hmm. And we certainly try as humans. So I’ve been really feeling like this untethered feeling, this queasiness, is actually what it feels like to be fully alive. Christina: Mm-hmm. It’s really interesting that you bring that up first because, nobody knows this because we don’t usually share it on here, but we always start with a grounding meditation together. And in this grounding meditation this morning, I had this sense that I was a blade of grass in a field of grasses blowing around, and I was thinking like, “Ah. I actually- ... don’t really want to.” Like, I don’t wanna blow. I just... And then I was thinking, like, it’s frustrating to be a human being as a blade of grass because you think there’s so many other things that you need to be doing, and you’re actually not n- not used to, you know, being at the whims of the weather, and that’s what it feels like right now. That’s what I hear you describing. Hmm. That’s what... I talked to a parent yesterday as we were waiting for our kids to be done with tennis lessons. We talked about that. We talked about how it is so uncomfortable to- Mm-hmm ... be unmoored, untethered, unanchored. And yet those are the times in life typically when so much growth happens. Mm-hmm. And, sometimes life will just push you into that feeling, that situation that causes that feeling. Sometimes you will willingly leap, and that is also hard. Um, I’m here too. A lot of people are here right now. And it’s, you know, it’s, it’s everywhere. I mean, you g- you guys, when you were thinking about moving, there was a lot of thinking about it for a lot of time leading up to it, and a lot of, like, testing the waters, coming up here to live for a month, and doing all of this life research or, or that’s maybe how I would describe it, and then you just leapt, right? Mm-hmm. Becky: Yeah. Christina: And I think there’s always that moment of you can’t research your way to perfect clarity. And at some point you just have to decide to do the thing. And when you do the thing, you’re still leaping. Like I’ve been, saying no to a lot of things that I had said yes to for years, two years probably at this point. And, life s- is s- seems to be giving me an, a, a, an out because this series that I’ve worked on since the beginning of my art career that, like, put me on the map, and got me a cushy life as an artist making an income that served me well, which is more than many artists can say, and I’m aware of that. This series I think has found its inevitable ending- Because the glue that I use to install it with, which is the only thing I’ve ever found that works fully, is completely discontinued. It’s like- Oh ... not being made anymore. And so I’ve had... I’ve found all of these side roads. In COVID, it stopped being made in the form that I needed, so I would just buy these huge caulking guns full of it and, and I found these empty tubes that, like, lotion manufacturers probably buy. And I would squee- I would use a caulking gun and, like, squeeze my own tubes and tape them up and label them and, um, I can’t even do that anymore. And- Becky: Mm ... Christina: the woman who helps me, a friend of mine helps me make these individual pieces now, and, she’s moving. So she’s not close to me anymore, and it’s just like, well, shit. Okay, I can’t do this. I have to actually release this safety net. It’s not comfortable. No. It’s been the safety net that has provided me with financial security, ‘cause I can always kind of say like, “Yeah, I can do that. That can, like, fund the new ideas.” I, I feel like I’m someone who has a lot of faith in life- Mm-hmm ... and it’s still uncomfortable. Becky: Yeah, I mean, even Pema Chödrön was talking about, uh, the interviewer was asking her, “Does that feeling ever go away, that queasy feeling?” Mm. And she was like, “ no. ... the things that would give you the queasy feeling in the past tend to not evoke that same queasiness,” to use her language, “but you’re always at an edge, you know?” Yeah. Hopefully, I think life wants us to always be on an edge, always growing, a growth edge. Mm. So when you hit those edges,... that feeling’s never gonna go away, and I... and what she said was, and what I’ve been playing with for years, but just in a different language, is now it’s like when she gets the queasy feeling, it’s, it’s excitement because she knows- Yeah ... she’s touching something that is at her edge and that will lead to growth, and it’s, it really... it just put different language, to what I’ve been playing with and, and really anchoring in for a couple years, which is getting comfortable with discomfort. Like, that is the practice, is not to make it go away, not to avoid it or, or suppress it, but to just get comfortable with that, that discomfort. Um, and it’s not easy. Mm-mm. It’s not easy. Christina: But you even used the term anchoring. You said you’re anchoring- Mm ... in the, the ability to hold the discomfort of being unanchored, basically. Yeah. So it’s, it’s a reframe. And ... I’ve, I’ve practiced this too, and twins were the thing that really, really helped me- Mm-hmm ... practice that. But you know what’s different now is, for me, I’m recognizing, the last couple of weeks in particular, I have done a poor job of protecting my time. So one thing that I have realized can help me, uh, metabolize this, this feeling or be with it, whatever you wanna call it- is, is allowing myself spaciousness in the day. And I have lacked spaciousness in the day- .. for the last couple of weeks, for many reasons, many of them great reasons. Birthday parties. Um, w- there’s like a lot of end of year school stuff that is very loud and takes up a lot of space in the day, and I’m not protected from that. But I find that having some more space in the day allows me to feel less frenetic moving- Mm-hmm from one thing to the next thing to the next thing. Becky: Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I was experiencing. ‘Cause when you’re buying and selling houses, it’s, it’s like there’s this, all this activity in the beginning, and it felt very, um... That was just my focus, you know? So it’s, it’s kinda like the same feeling that you’re talking about with the birthday parties and everything. Like, life was asking for very immediate attention from me. ... And because it was joyous and I was going with that flow, I wasn’t meditating. I wasn’t having even those little moments of, as you call it, protecting your time or just, like, re-anchoring in myself is really what the practice of meditation is, is re-anchoring in my own, inner wells of resiliency and what I noticed is then when we hit that lull period, ‘cause we were insanely privileged that, our house sold right away, and so the, it... the timing was just like all of a sudden we had this lull where there really wasn’t anything to do, and that’s when the untethered feeling really started being uncomfortable- Yeah ... um, because I actually had to sit in it. ... And I noticed that I was reaching for distractions. I was reaching for, um, the pace that life was giving me. Because when life is giving you that pace, you don’t have to sit in discomfort. I didn’t have to sit in the, “Holy shit, I’m moving my entire life to another state, and I have no idea,” like... And I’m leaving a house that I love, um, so I’m not even running from anything, you know? And so it reminded me that even when life is full and busy, Those practices are so important to, yeah, to anchor not in anything outside of myself, but to anchor in myself and anchor in my own, ability to be present. Christina: Yeah. It’s hard. And as a, as a parent with many children, it feels like you’re selling a house every day. It really does. So, so you have to... At least for me, I have had to be super conscious about it. Yeah. And it’s changed, it’s changed my baseline in a way that I, I immediate- I immediately recognize it. Yeah. And, um, yeah. So, like yesterday when I brought Jack to play tennis, instead of doing work, I just laid on the grass and felt- Mm ... the wind on my body. And so even to realize, “No, Christina, do not think of that as 45 minutes that you have to do something.” Yeah. Think of that as 45 minutes that you have to be. Yeah. And it makes a massive difference. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah, yeah. So it’s good. It’s a good reminder, and it’s just like e- everything is always changing balance. Becky: Mm-hmm. And- And I was... As I was re-listening to the last episode with Jenny, and, so many things she said really stuck with me. But when she said, “We are a creature that forgets that it’s alive.” Yes. Yeah. And it’s so true, and, and that’s fine. I think it’s also, like, allowing those waves, allowing the forgetting, and not, not adding on a layer of judgment. And I, I felt myself doing that a little bit. I had just read your latest Substack, which really, hit me. It was beautiful. And I had this, um... I had a lot of things come up. Mm. But one, uh, I mean, just in reaction to the piece, it was beautiful, but then it kind of turned inward a little bit and there was a l- there was the first whispers of judgment. And then grace came in and I was just able to see myself and, and not in that comparison, you know? Because it’s so easy to fall into comparison and, and think, like... I just imagine you, uh, with such focus and such presence, and sometimes I struggle to- I have this image sometimes of myself sitting for hours reading a book and just being really, present and calm, and that’s always a good vision that I’m always working towards, and it’s... I struggle. I mean, even reading, I really struggle with, um... Ooh, I wonder if there’s some, uh, shame present that’s making me less clear and, uh, articulate. I, I struggle with reading. I’m very dyslexic. It’s, it’s an effort. I feel the effort sometimes just to sit and read and stay on the line. Like, to make my eyes stay on that line, it’s a lot of effort. And I started, feeling a little bit of judgment, and then I was able to come back and just be in that untethered feeling and just be in, like, “This is who I am, and this is where I am,” and, how beautiful that the awareness of this untethered feeling came in so quickly. And I do have resources, and I do have practices that I can, I can bring in. Christina: Can I ask what the judgment was? You were judging yourself for something? Becky: Yeah. I think I was judging myself, for distracting, reaching for distractions- Mm-hmm ... ... acting in a way that is out of alignment with some idealized version of myself that I was holding in that moment. Mm-hmm. And the judgment, the self-judgment is quieter. It’s definitely quieter than it’s ever been in my life. Yeah. But it’s still... Those things don’t go... I don’t think they go away. I think our relationship just changes to them. So instead of just believing that judgmental voice and then, m- you know, letting that judgmental voice have the microphone in my mind, I’m now able to have a dialogue with that voice and recognize, like, “I hear you, yeah,” you know? Mm-hmm. It’s... And it’s... And acknowledging that it’s painful. I mean, a... so many of us have visions of ourself or visions of our life that we may never be able to fully actualize. Mm-hmm. And that’s painful, you know? Mm-hmm. Christina: I mean, so that Substack, that essay was about presence, which is what all of them are. And I found those moments in a matter of,... It was like, um, a culmination of moments. One in the evening after the frenzy of putting kids to bed, and, I went outside and everything was right in front of me, and it stops me. It stops me because I’m selling houses all day, right? Every day. Yeah. I’m not a real estate agent, but, you know, you know what I mean. The metaphor pulls. And, um, yeah, I was out there and I was just... I gave myself that time to sit and absorb everything around me, and I literally was singing to the robins. They were making a racket. And, and that’s when I can be the blade of grass willingly- Mm ... because I choose it, and it feels really good. And so then the next morning, there was like rain down the rain chain. I’m, I was noticing these narcissus bulbs that were bowing, and I was thinking, “My God, they just rest because they just have to.” Mm. Then all of these things, you know, throughout the day as things are busy, I will jot these little thoughts down somewhere in like a notebook or on a notes app on my phone or something, wherever I am, whatever I have around me, and they just sit there and wait patiently for me to be able to weave them into words, into essays that I might share. Because that literally fills my body with a physical ache if I can’t let it out. And so this particular essay, I was feeling this frenzy of May-cember, which is a term that parents know, and, um- ... everything happens in May, and, uh, it’s intense. And I recognized that I had not protected my time enough, and then I recognized that I had so many things on my to-do list for the studio to get these commissions out, which is a blessing that I even have that to complain about, right? Mm-hmm. And, um, and, and I just had to completely clear the morning so that I could get that out of my body- Mm ... because that was in my body saying like, “Please pay attention to me.” That is also a meditation for me, is writing down the things I notice. Mm. And, um, so I’m, I’m saying this because, uh, it’s not a constant, it’s not a constant flow and presence and focus. I feel I feel- waves of enlightenment every day And I think I’m supposed to share that in this life, ... even if it makes someone uncomfortable. And I also recognize that waves of enlightenment are just waves. They’re not consistent. Yeah. They’re not, um... Or rather, they are consistent, they’re not constant. Becky: Mm-hmm. Christina: Because you wouldn’t be able to feel them if they were constant. Becky: Yeah. Christina: Like when I was sitting on my back porch listening to the robins and the peepers, I was like, I was having a transcendent experience for about five minutes. And I think transcendent experiences don’t typically flow as often when I’m really busy. Sometimes they do, and they’re a little shocking then. But, the most transcendent things I’ve experienced have been when I am slow. Becky: you’re reminding me a little bit of what, uh, what the judgment was. That feeling that you describe that it was like gnawing at your belly, that it had to come out. Mm-hmm. I feel that all the time. .. I haven’t quite found exactly the right way to let it out consistently. So this is the lesson, right? This was the dialogue. I could have sat in that, and I could have sat in the judgment and, and turned it inward as there’s something wrong with me, or I’m not good enough. Instead, I started to - talk to it. And o- opening up my, aperture of possibility and of looking at my current situation with clear eyes, was like, “Becky, this isn’t the time to, like, get to know your local robins. We’re in a different time.” Like, this was kind of the dialogue. Yeah. And then remembering why we’re doing this move in the first place. Yeah. That life is pulling me towards this move to set up the conditions so that I might have a better outlet. Mm. So I might have m- maybe will be more resourced so that I can touch or express these things that I feel so deeply that are gnawing at my or pulling at my belly and want to get out but don’t know how to get out yet. That’s why I’m moving. So it was like this dialogue to pull myself out of that, this binary thinking of I’m bad or I’m good or I’m, you know, capable- Yeah ... or not, and into a place of the seeds are there. Mm-hmm. You know? And it’s uncomfortable waiting for things to grow, for me. Um... Absolutely it is. For e- Christina: I would think that would be a universal truth, honestly. Um. This is an interesting point that you’re making. You’re reflecting something that’s... Uh, so, so I, I felt a physical relief. I would call that, like, mm, for me it feels like creative energy in my body that, wants to come out, and I have many avenues to release that, and I always have. Uh, and a difficult part for me has been having to focus on a few of them to, to make them really, mm, work or, or I don’t know. I’m just one person with like 365 days in a year and 24 hours a day and three children and, you know, things. So I have to, I had to focus them. Um, but it’s, uh... Yeah, it’s, it’s interesting to hear you say that you have that feeling all the time and you don’t know how to let it out. Becky: Not always. There’s moments, but right now in particular it’s, it feels very trapped in my body. Christina: Mm. Yeah, because then I’m thinking too, like, Like communing with the robin is also enough. Christina: And I’m wondering if I couldn’t express that communion somehow, would it be enough? Becky: Yeah, and that’s... I’m sitting with that a little bit because, I think there is a part of me that deeply feeling allowing the world to move through me in just expressing it in emotion, in emotions, feeling it fully. I was asking myself that too, is this enough? Christina: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Becky: Or can it be enough for now? Christina: Totally. Because, what do you think you will find in Maine? What do you suspect you will find in Maine that will change this reality for you so that the urges will be able to come out? Like, what does moving do that? You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. That’s where... That’s the end question of this, ‘cause I’m thinking... Yeah, I, I, I’ll just leave that question actually for you to think about. Becky: Yeah. I mean, the first thing that came to mind was the ocean. Just I think my whole being is being called to the water and to the ocean, and, it’s one of those things where it’s, it’s not logical. There’s just something about that land that inspires me and helps me feel alive. I was even r- reflecting on, um- It’s windy. It’s, you know, we’re gonna be right by the coast. It’s very windy there. Mm-hmm. Um, and I- wind has always been the one element that made me the most uncomfortable. I have sensitive ears. Oh. It hurts my ears. It messes up my hair. Mm-hmm. You know? These are real things. These are real things, and I, I thought it was very interesting reflecting on why am I going there? ... And it’s an edge. It’s a growth edge. It’s putting my body in the ocean consistently, you know? Mm-hmm. Which nothing makes me feel more alive, but I don’t have consistent access to it here. It’s getting comfortable with the wind, you know? And actually, I’m getting little glimpses of really loving the wind, and it’s... I find that often, where there... when there’s things that I experience some resistance to- Mm-hmm uh, there’s something on the other side. Mm. There’s something big. It’s a growth edge. It’s, it’s, you know, that queasiness that Pema Chödrön was talking about, and on the other side of it is growth, is a new version of me that ... I can’t even tell you what that version is. Mm-hmm. But I feel this pull towards it, and I feel there’s something there. Mm-hmm. I don’t know what it is- Christina: Mm-hmm ... Becky: but I feel something. Christina: Yeah. Yeah, that’s what I think I’m... That’s sort of what I was getting at, is that it was described at the beginning of this part of the conversation as, like, a... that’s where your creative... felt like that’s where, like, your creative energy can, can be released, and I wonder if it will just put you more in touch with, with life. Like, with- Mm-hmm ... um, a friend of mine who, I was talking to her about Maine. She lives here too, and she was like, “Maine is my soul hospital.” And I love that, because there was something that happened for me when I moved here where everything started feeling correct. Like, really correct, and this is where I know I wanna root, and I have rooted, and I’m still rooting. And she mentioned this book that she was reading. And the man who wrote it was talking about how geography is fate. Like, think about that. Geography as fate. If you believe in fate, it could mean that- Where you are destined to go is where you blossom That’s what this has felt like to me. Um, I saw this house online, and it had been there for a while, and I got a feeling, and then we walked into it, and it was a feeling. And ever since then, it’s just been like, “Is this... Am I going to... Like, how could I possibly feel more awake than I already do and alive than I already do?” And it continues to deepen. And then I think about it as, if I think about geography as fate, it’s an interesting thought because I guarantee you I wouldn’t feel like this in LA, you know? Mm-hmm. It’s not where I’m supposed to be. And there is something... There is a particular edge about being here, especially, like, if you’re talking about being uncomfortable in the wind, it’s like... And, and the ocean, and you combine those two, my goodness. Choosing to swim in the ocean all year, you’re met with something new every time. And it’s, it, it’s crazy. You can have freezing cold ocean that hits you in the face as you’re walking into it. Um, yeah, it’ll be really interesting. I’m really excited to see, like, how that happens. What that, what that changes in you or deepens in you. Becky: Yeah. Yeah, and I’m not moving into it with, uh, any expectations, but just a lot of curiosity. Maine does feel like continual edge because- Yes ... the ocean does change every single day, you know? Yeah. And so it’s like meeting that edge, as practice, you know? It’s, it is what Pema Chödrön was talking about of, using the uncertainty as the practice. Getting into the cold ocean every day is uncertainty. You don’t know what the water’s gonna bring that day, and it’s just... It’s like a meditation practice, that it, it- Keeps those muscles from atrophying, you know? Mm-hmm. ‘Cause you’re constantly flexing them every single day. And I’m excited for that. And I’ve also... I think I’m just, you know, I’m a teacher who’s not really teaching right now, and I think there’s, there’s some frustration in that. We, we both are people who are oriented towards it’s not enough to just experience the aliveness of the world. There’s this deep-seated desire to share. Yeah. And that’s, that’s deeply embedded in Buddhist teachings. You don’t achieve enlightenment for yourself. That’s not the goal. The goal is to then come back and liberate. It’s liberation for all. Mm. Um, and so to feel that so deeply, especially in this time where everything feels heightened and urgent, I think it’s just magnifying that feeling of like, let’s go. You know, wanting to, I, deepen any gifts I have and share them urgently. Um, and, if I’m a blade of grass blowing in the wind, ... I don’t control the wind. I can’t control how fast a seed grows. And that’s the discomfort, is to just sit in the frustration and let it teach me, let it point me to, oh, this is really important. It’s really important that I have outlets and not distract myself. It’s, it’s all new. It’s all new. That’s what I’m very grateful... I’m so grateful for a lot of things, but I never want to feel so stagnant or... I just don’t want those muscles of growth, the muscles that you need for growth. And I don’t mean physical muscles, obviously. I, I mean muscles of resiliency and, and, I want my system to stay nimble and, lubricated. Yeah. I want my system to stay lubricated enough so when life calls me towards something big, a big change, that I have the resources, uh, to, inner resources to say yes. And I think a lot about, I, these themes of, like... Um, I think it started when I shared that image with you, uh, of the scientist who did a 3D model of the universe. Mm-hmm. And we looked at that image, and it was so... It looked like fabric. It... I saw fascia. I saw, um- Christina: The interstitium ... Becky: the interstitium in, like, the, in the darkness, in the spaces between. I saw the neural pathways connecting, everything connecting in these webs, you know. When we were talking with Jenny, we were talking about the, the roles we all play in this ecosystem, in the web of life, but even, like, a, a literal web, like, everything being connected. Um, and yeah, you see reflections of that in our body in, like, our fascia gets tight. You lose that lubrication. You lose that elasticity to grow and flex. And, I think there’s an energetic flexibility that’s needed, too, but when you’re not- It’s just like when you sit all day and you’re not moving your body and your fascia gets tight- Mm which makes movement, physical movement harder. I think the same thing happens on the energetic level when we’re not, stretching and growing ourselves in our vulnerability, in our learning new things. Things can get tight and, and then it does make, make it harder. Just like, you know, I’ve been sitting a lot lately and I haven’t been stretching, I haven’t been moving my body, so doing things with my physical body is harder, and some things would be impossible now that I could have done 20 years ago. It’s the same thing on an energetic level. So I’m just feeling so grateful for all of the mental, emotional, energetic exercising that I’ve been doing over the years that makes this possible to uproot our life and move to another state where we don’t know anyone. I’m not moving to your town. I’m, I’m moving to Maine, but not next door to my dear friend. We don’t know anyone there. It’s scary. So building those muscles, having those daily practices of getting into the ocean, g- getting into uncertainty, I think is so important. Mm. So important. Christina: Yeah. Yeah, and there’s not a lot of stuff in your life that would put you into discomfort naturally. Like... even to just, like, beat this tennis lesson to a pulp. Like, if I might see a parent that I don’t really wanna talk to and I have to. Mm-hmm. Or somebody falls down. Like, I’m, I’m more, because, because of kids, I guess, and maybe because of my proximity to other people compared to where you are, I’ve like faced in- faced with life- Mm-hmm unpredictable life more often. Um, and, and so it’s... I think it’s really admirable what you’re doing because you could just stay in your really comfy life where you are there. That has served you so well- so that you can feel brave and ready to, like, do this big new thing. Um, you could totally choose to just keep doing that. But you’re not. You’re choosing to kinda like blow up your life in a really cool way. Becky: Yeah, I think that’s also the important thing is, um, I think sometimes people wait for life to blow up their life. Yeah. And I have no interest in that. Like, I, I, I got the assignment. I know what my work is. I don’t need life... Uh, forcing my hand. Mm-hmm. Um, and maybe that’s why we didn’t have kids, you know? I want it on my terms. Mm-hmm. Life doesn’t wanna be stagnant. Mm-mm. Life isn’t stagnant. There’s nothing stagnant in life. Yep. Um, if you ignore the call of life, the invitation of life to grow, and meet your edge, and be uncomfortable, life might force your hand, and I just personally have no interest in that. I’d rather, I’d rather practice it on my own terms. Mm-hmm. So the awareness, I think, is really, um, helpful and important to recognize. Doesn’t make it easier. Mm-hmm. This quote that I, we have on our fridge that we’ve had for years is, even in the, the most longed-for changes, there is melancholy because you must die to the life that you had in order to have a new life. Mm-hmm. And I feel that all the time. Christina: Mm-hmm. I mean, my 96-year-old grandmother, who’s currently releasing her life- Mm-hmm ... however long it takes, she always says, “Everything changes. Everything changes, so you get to enjoy the things while they’re good, and know that the bad things will change.” Like the things that are uncomfortable will pass. And, um, yeah. The energy of life is in constant creative flow. Mm-hmm. And so you can either resist it or you can take the ride. Becky: But the ride will make you queasy. Christina: Mm-hmm. Becky: And so it’s, yeah, it’s building up that, tolerance- Mm ... for queasiness. Christina: Mm. Becky: So Christina. Christina: Yeah. Yeah. Um- Becky: In the, the times we’ve been talking to others and not catching up, your life has changed. We’ve been talking a lot about the upcoming changes of my life, but- Yeah your life has changed a lot. Christina: Yeah. I am in the s- I am in the throes of change. Mm. Like if I could put a metaphor to it, ‘cause you know I love metaphors. I feel like I am, mm, like in a really nice tube in a thrashing river. Ooh. Is Becky: what Christina: it feels like. Becky: A tube in a thrashing river. Christina: Yeah. Like, “Whoa.” Hopefully, “Ooh. Okay. Shoot.” Or like last night when I was laying down on the grass- Mm ... enjoying my being and not doing, I, uh, saw a crow. It was very windy ‘cause it was right on the coast, and I saw a crow flying through the air. And, um, the crow was like, “Crow, caw.” And it was, like, trying to fly, and crows are quite stubborn, you know? And so it was, like, really trying to assert its flight, and the wind was just like, “Whoa.” And the crow would like, like falter a little bit and then keep flying ‘cause that’s what it’s supposed to do. That’s a little bit how I feel. Um- So I, uh, I alluded to this a couple of episodes ago maybe before we started talking to people, to other people. Right now, something, um, mm, miraculous, transcendent, mystical, deep, and, um, remembered is happening for me. I heard my intuition tell me to slow down a lot. And, like, to be very explicit, I was a full-time artist making six figures every year, which is shocking and amazing. Mm-hmm. And I loved it. And there started to be, like, a little lackluster kind of, um, in sort of doing the same things. So, um, still an artist. Art will never leave me, ever. Um, and the slower I got, the more life deepened. And so, you know, I think I’ve said it on here, like, I, I had this nudge that I couldn’t hear, and so then I decided to maybe go to therapy. And I was like, “Maybe people hear nudges in therapy” Which is... And it was wonderful. I went to IFS therapy, which, was great. And what I learned was what I had suspected, that I don’t have a lot of muck to wade through personally. Um, I have had an illuminated life and wonderful support systems, and so I didn’t have that. And instead, I would meet the universe, like, just there’s no other way I can say it. And what I learned was that I ended up following the nudge to do that so that I could go every other week and practice knowing my inner world and how it was a small version of the outer maybe something. Becky: As above, so below. Christina: Yeah. And I, I would meet, I would meet the universe and, like, my place in it, which had been shown to me in glimmers throughout my life, mostly in college. Um, and I just felt connected to everything. And it was also at the same time that I had this studio where I was watching light move down the walls. And so a friend, of mine has a lot of shamans in her life. And I decided, “Fuck it, I’m just going to talk to one of them and tell them all the most mystical things that have ever happened to me.” ‘Cause, like, a priest didn’t feel correct. I don’t know. I couldn’t find ... I didn’t know. Even in therapy, it was just like, “You’re like the most spiritual person I have here, and I don’t ... We gotta find you someone who also experiences these things that you do.” That was what we would talk about in therapy. It’s like she was like, “I don’t know.” I mean, yeah. ‘ Cause I, I actually asked her, like, “Do, do other people come in here and, and do this? Is this what IFS is?” And she was like, “No, not without drugs. That’s-” Um, so that was helpful information for me. So I talked to this woman who had just, gone through shaman school, and she took me on a journey with her, ‘cause that’s what I was basically doing, was, like, closing my eyes in therapy and going on these shamanic journeys where no one had taught me how to do this, and it was as easy as anything, and it took zero minutes to get there. So yeah, I, I ended up journeying with this, with this woman, and she asked me all these questions like, “How do you know people’s energy?” And I was like, “I just know it. If they have these masks up, I can see right through them, and I love them still, but they’re not there for me.” and she said, you know, “Do you ever hear anything?” And I said, “Yeah, sometimes.” “You have just, like, knowings?” “Yeah.”, “When you close your eyes, does it get stronger?” And I said, “Yes.” So she said, “If you close your eyes, what does my energy look like to you?” And, um, I told her what I saw, and then she said one sentence, one question that completely, like, all of Christina’s life just, like, like dominoes fell and made complete sense. And she said, “Where does the light want to go?” Christina: And when she ... Like, I feel, I feel this in my body when I’m talking about it. Um, when she said that, it all became real. I watched light move through the top of my head and out from my heart into the little Zoom screen. My eyes were closed. We were on Zoom ‘cause she lives not here. And I watched it thread around her body and show me that it was hollowed out in some areas and needed to expand to be whole. So it was like a combination of a knowing and also, like, literally watching this happen with my eyes closed. And, um, and she asked me all of these different guiding questions like, “Is anybody helping you do this?” Which I got a response. And, um, and then she, um- She was basically like, “Well, this is crazy, but you’ve already sort of like crossed whatever threshold many people may need to have to, like, go do this work,” quote-unquote work in the world, I guess. And she said, “I think you’re meant to, um, like, give light healings to people.” And, and when she said that, I, um, I saw something and heard something. I saw a golden river of light extend from my heart in front of me into, like, the great beyond of my life. Mm-hmm. And it was gentle, and it was flowing, and I heard four words. I heard, “You are now. Go.” That was it. That was, like, what the universe had to tell Christina in that moment. Just like- ... “Stop fucking around. Just believe that you can do this.” “You are supported. It seems crazy, but just go.” Like, “Just go.” Mm-hmm. And so since then, that was back in December, mm, yeah, end of November. You’ve experienced this a couple of times, so it’s no secret to you, but I’ve been- Mm-hmm ... I’ve been I had a dream sh- before this conversation even happened with this woman, and in my dream, I touched a friend of mine and took her pain away. So then I started thinking about that dream after she was talking about light healings and, and like, when she told me I was maybe meant to do that, I was like, “You know, that is a thrill that I cannot te-” Like, of course. Of course, I’m supposed to do that. I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t need anyone to give me a lesson. It was just a fully embodied, remembered thing. and since then, I, I’ve been holding healing space in my studio with friends, and when I touch people or hold energy above their bodies in my studio, and I go into that deep, mm, consciousness that I went in and practiced in therapy amazing things are happening. Uh, just miraculous things are happening, and they’re all different, and they’re all holy. And it’s a life-changing thing to remember. so it’s str- it’s str- it’s strange to be here. It’s amazing, and it’s also strange to be here because I always sort of looked for other people that were experiencing life the way I was, and I couldn’t really find them, and I think it’s because I, um, maybe I’m supposed to, like, show the way somehow. And in all of these sessions, in all of these energy sessions, it feels like what I get to do is put an absolute divine spotlight on everybody’s center. Which is, like, the greatest gift in the world. Like, it makes my eyes well up with tears to be able to show people their centers. It has nothing to do with me. It’s just- Mm-hmm ... like, I get to create this loving container inside of which the expectation is nothing. Becky: Yeah Christina: other than just to welcome, anything and everything that wants to arrive. Yeah, that would be how my life has changed. I mean, there are so many examples of the miraculousness of this stuff that I don’t have to go into, but, um, it, uh, it has been pretty immediate and immense. And humbling and wonderful, and then strange for someone to say, “Hey, I have a bed, and I’d love your artwork on top of it.” It’s a weird... It’s, it’s a, it’s a new thing for me to hold. It’s a new edge. Becky: Mm-hmm. Hmm. How does it feel sharing it? Christina: Um, um, it feels brave and, um, like something I’m practicing. You know, we’ve had probably 10 conversations since I discovered this. And I knew... I mean, it was so potent to the first two people that I did this for, with, um, that they immediately had, like, a list of people that they wanted to share about it with. And I was reserved in that I realized the potency of this thing and that I don’t immediately want to scrap everything and only do this, you know? Becky: Yeah. Yeah. Christina: I am, um... Yeah, but, but sharing this feels essential to it. I have to. It’s a little uncomfortable because it’s very woo. Um, it’s woo, and I resist it, which is really hilarious because then here I am, like, here I am, like, helping pe- people transform by, um, laying hands on them, which is not something I expected in my life. And still, everyone that I’ve told has said, “Obviously.” “ Becky: Well, as you were speaking and you were, naming, the mysticism that you’re experiencing, I thought back to that podcast that you just shared with me, and what really struck me is she said, um... I can’t remember who it is, but we’ll put it in the show notes. Christina: It’s Terry Tempest Williams on the Atmos podcast. Becky: Okay. Thank you. Um, she says... I can’t remember if it was her or a guest that said, “ what is mysticism if not paying attention?” And it’s- Yep ... it’s so... So I hear the, the braveness, and I understand why it could feel like an edge and why it would, you would need bravery to share it because we have such distorted, um... We hold, as a soc- as this modern society, such distorted views around mysticism and transcendent experiences, and there’s a lot of, um, unfortunately, there’s some not great examples out there- Yes. Yes ... Where the, the mysticism or the healing has been tainted by something else. And I feel you in the, “Yeah, you have to share. You’re meant to share.” Christina: I have to. It’s just, I, I just have to. It’s just who I am. It’s just, um... Becky: And it was a, it’s a gift, right? You’re g- Mm-hmm ... and gifts are meant to be shared. Christina: Absolutely, and I share all of my other gifts willingly without- hesitation. I, um, yeah. So now, you know, making art, writing, singing, and healing. Um, it is something now that I am so conscious of in a world that is filled with suffering right now. Mm-hmm mm-hmm. And we are all aware of it. And so everything I do, um... This gave me an answer to a question, I think- that I had always held. Like, it sort of transformed... I was aware of, of all the things that make me come alive and how willing I am to share them and be open with people. And I became conscious of my way of being as a service to the world. I believe we all... If we all show up authentically, it is the deepest service to each other and the world. So for me to discover this and then feel like I had to hide it was like absolutely not. And healing comes in many forms, right? Like, the very potent forms would be if someone were to lay on my table under this beautiful piece of art that I made in my studio of light for an hour. That is potent. That is a- ... deeply potent place where it feels like our consciousnesses combine, and then I get to reach up into the stream of consciousness, or, like, consciousness with a capital C, or God, and pull down the threads that might serve this individual. Or they might reach them themselves, which is just incredible because the, the space has been opened to do that. And, and so, so there’s that, and then there’s also just, like, my awareness of this in myself, which I, to be clear, believe we all have. Mm-hmm. I just touch it easier. I’m aware of that, and so I bring it into everything I do. I bring it into the conversations with parents at the tennis courts. Mm-hmm. Even though they don’t know, but maybe somewhere deep down they do. I bring it into my writing, the reading of the writing. I bring it into e- everything. Everything. ... I bless the work I make when I send it away now. Mm. There were questions that I had, you know, um, these... There are all these installations, these bigger commissions that helped me pay for this studio, were put in healing spaces. And so even when we had my friend Sam on here and I was talking about how I’m really thinking about how art and healing connect and how objects hold memory, and like am I still connected to these pieces and can I still reach them? And I can. Mm. I feel it. So to be able to feel energy moving from my creative center out- To things that exist in the world that I’ve made, and to, like, send them healing, to sprinkle over people who are coming and going is, like, a really amazing thing. Um, yeah, but it really has ... Woo. It has completely changed my life. Becky: Mm. Mm. Well, as ... I have experienced it now twice. Mm. And it’s profound, and what has, um ... What struck me the most but didn’t surprise me is how little of you there is involved. I think that’s the, um ... That was the most profound for me on a couple levels. First of all, it’s just to receive unconditional love from Source, not from you. Christina: It’s not from me. Becky: It’s not from you. You used the term the hollow bone, that you feel like a hollow bone, and, and being on your table, that’s what I felt, just light. I don’t experience it as light. I experience it as just love, unconditional love, and, and a feeling. Um, so it’s profound to just receive that because so often we don’t. ... Because you are, you are able, Christina, to hold such unconditional love- Mm ... such direct from Source. And you’ve said this before. It’s like you’re just holding people in that light, that feeling, and I think it’s in the holding that gives the, the receiver, gave me the stability to actually receive, because that, that love, that unconditional love from Source, we all have access to it. Every single person has access to it, but You know, as you discovered in therapy , most people have some ... I think your therapist called them callouses or, uh, calcifications- Mm ... that get in the way or, like, can get in the way. Um, and I found it so profound to witness you as Christina- Mm-hmm ... trusting yourself and trusting life so much to allow whatever wanted to come through to come through, and that was really profound to witness. So we, you and I have talked a lot about, um, y- you know, you are meant to serve as a beacon. I think you’ve al- you already said basically those words. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And I see that. I feel that 100%, um, because we need people to show us what’s possible. Yeah. And then I think that the important thing to remember and what I really practice is that you’re showing us what’s possible for all of us. Christina: Yeah. Becky: And I took this to an actual practice recently when I, I went into New York City to kinda say a little goodbye, not goodbye forever, but, um, you know, goodbye to the access. Right now I can just take a train. And I, I, I had connected the dots recently that you, Christina, see the divinity in everyone. You see that part of Source that lives in every single one of us, every... That lives in the robin, that lives in the rain falling down your, your metal chain. You s- naturally see the divinity in everything. Mm-hmm. But I can practice it. It may not come natural to me, but I can practice, and I was practicing that day. I decided, intentionally decided, I am going to practice seeing the divinity in everything today. And going from living in the country where I barely see anyone to New York City, there was a lot of divinity to see. And what I noticed in this practice is how connected to myself I felt. Yeah. I felt, uh, to use your words, Christina, like a relaxed human. I felt relaxed in my body. In moment by moment, anything that I was greeted with, I knew that I could see it as divine. And what that did is reminded me that I am divine, that there is divinity in me, and sometimes I think it’s easier to see it in others than to see it in ourselves, but we can practice. And that’s what you teach me, is, is not that this is something ‘Cause the other thing you said of you- you’ve spent your life looking for others who live like you, and you didn’t find it. And it made me question, is anyone meant to find someone else doing life like them? And in that looking, does it diminish who we are? Because we’re not meant to be like anyone else. Christina: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And, and I, I believe we’re all meant to be individuals, too, and that’s what makes it so holy. That’s what makes- Mm-hmm. Yeah ... each of us so holy. And, um, I think it was more like... I think it was more just me trying to... It’s sort of like, you know, my therapist just being like, “We need to find someone else who also is experiencing these things.” like, no one was even, no one was, was talking about the things that I was trying to like, kinda like eke into conversations. Yeah. Like, uh, it would never just, no one would really take the bait. And, and so, so yeah, it really just does feel like, um, I mean, we’re all individual, and I feel just so much like, um, like I’m just... I, yeah, the beacon thing. I’m just meant to do that. And also this, it, it reached a peak. I had a f- I turned 40, and, um, there was a book that was organized by a friend of mine where all of these letters from people throughout my life, they wrote in letters, and it’s a book of letters. It’s right on my desk here. And, and it was like 60 different people who told me that my way of being changed them. So to get that, after all of these four months where I’m... Or, or, uh, you know, after like awakening years and then these really hot, potent four months with this, this healing stuff, um, it’s just like, well, holy shit. Yeah. Okay. Like, what do you do when you’re 40 and, like, s- so many people just all have the same message of, of really what you just said, finding the divinity. They didn’t say it like this, but like- Mm-hmm ... “You do that, Christina. You find the divinity in everything.” that reminds me to do that. What a great gift to give people. And, yeah, you know, the fact that I don’t have those blocks, so unconditional love flows through me as the hollow bone because I love myself unconditionally and let that flow. Mm-hmm. There’s nothing stopping it. It feels so good. I get it on the way through, you get it on the table. Mm-hmm. It’s this beautiful, cyclical, reciprocal thing. And oh my goodness, if I thought life was illuminated before, it keeps going. Becky: Yeah. Christina: Like, talking about it, I’m on the brink of tears this whole time, not because I’m afraid of sharing, not because this feels untrue, not because ... I, I don’t know. Not because of anything. I- it’s just the truest, most illuminated thing I have ever experienced. Christina: And if I can help offer a tiny spark of that to other people, I h- I must. Becky: You must, yeah. Christina: It moves me, yeah. Becky: And when you do, you, the universal you, start sharing the most tender, vulnerable parts, the things that feel most true, even if they feel, quote-unquote, “crazy”, you find your people. Christina: Yes. Becky: You find the people. You unlock that- Yeah ... you know, the people who, uh... Yeah, you find your people. And it un- it, it unlocks freedom in other people. Yeah. Because we’re not alone. ... Everyone is in touch with Source, whatever you call that, right? .. But we all have these things that, that maybe we’re afraid to talk about or that, you know, doesn’t fit into conventional wisdom or, or whatever, what you see on TV . So every time you open up and share this, you give other people permission. Christina: Mm-hmm. Becky: And- Mm ... that’s what we need more than anything right now, is people just talking about the honest truth of their experience. We need to look at the world clearly. Yeah. And when, when I look at the world clearly, I see... I mean, I always point to the universe ... And how little we know. Mm-hmm. We’re babies. I am. So why do we dismiss things as woo, even, like, that, like, why do we dismiss when we know so little? We are babies. We should be walking around as if we’re l- learning how to be human for the very first time, ‘cause we kind of are. Christina: Mm-hmm. But like, what I feel is my humanness and my divinity in the same body. Yeah. Fully both. Um, yes. And, and the other thing I will say that’s so remarkable too about, about every single person that’s come onto my table, is that they are witnessed in their most secret places- ... by the universe. Like, by God, by- Mm. You know what I mean? ‘Cause it’s me, right? Like, it’s me funneling whatever it is through. But they feel ... This is so used. They feel seen. Like, they actually feel seen by whatever, by source. One, one friend who had a particularly potent experience, um, I, I had to remind her what the energy of love was, ‘cause she’d actually didn’t, didn’t feel it. Yeah. And in my Christina brain, I was like, “Really?” Like, that’s what I n- Come, I ... Okay, no. She totally knows that, ‘cause like I know it, right? Mm. But it was ... I know. No, I know. You’re rolling your eyes, but I- ... this is important for me to recognize. So like, I needed to get out of the way to realize, ‘cause I was literally hearing in my ears, “Tell her this is what the energy of love feels like.” Um, and then there were lots of beautiful things that happened for her, and then at the end she, she was just sobbing, and she was like, “I have never ... Uh, like, I never went to church. N- I, but I’ve never felt like this, and I felt like I just met God,” was literally- Mm ... the only thing she could say. Yeah. And so I’ve witnessed this in many people, where that’s what their experience is, and it’s kind of like you can’t, you can’t speak it. You feel it. It’s like an- Yeah ... embodied experience- Becky: Yeah ... Christina: of being witnessed through some greater, mm, benevolent s- power source. Power is the wrong word. Benevolent source. It feels, um ... Yeah. Yeah. And then to have been ... To have experienced something like that, then you’re like, “Oh, I, I just felt myself completely. I can’t ignore that.” And so then- Yeah ... you get to go out and feel your own ... Like, the fullness of your being as it’s supposed to be. Mm-hmm. And hopefully live ... Like, choose the most aligned path to serve that beautiful individual self that you are. Becky: Yeah. I’m wondering, ‘cause you’re saying it’s a, a witnessing from Source, like being witnessed by Source, and I wonder if it’s actually them fully witnessing themselves as Source. Christina: Mm. That’s probably a better way to put it. Yeah. I think of it... I guess I think of it as, like, I think it’s both. Mm-hmm. It’s like how you and I hold a mirror to each other. If there’s some- Mm ... unseen benevolence that is witnessing them- ... and showing them themselves in an embodied way- Becky: Yeah ... Christina: you can’t un-know that. You cannot un-feel that. Becky: Yeah. You could forget. Christina: You could forget, and then you could re-remember in different ways. Sure. Becky: Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. Yes. But I agree. It’s like you’ve opened a door. Christina: Mm-hmm. Becky: Or you’ve shined a light. You’ve changed something. Christina: Mm-hmm. Becky: And yeah, you could go back asleep and, and forget. And, and if you don’t practice it, I think you will. Mm-hmm. You know? Christina: Yep. Becky: Um, but yeah, it opens a door and, uh, gives you a different perspective. Christina: Yep, and puts you in touch with, like, something you can’t see but you know. Which is what religion has been trying to do forever, all these different- Yeah ... um... Yeah. So I have to get out of the way of that, too. Like, I have to get out of the way of thinking that it has to fit in a certain box. Yeah. Thanks for letting me talk about it. Becky: Thank you for sharing. It’s pretty powerful. It’s... No, it’s very powerful. Yeah. It’s very profound. It’s been very profound to witness and to experience. Um, and it just, like I said, the talking about it gives me permission to, not self-censor, to listen to the things that feel true and share them- Mm ... without reservation. Christina: Mm-hmm. May we all do that. Becky: Mm-hmm. Christina: The music was recorded live as a part of the sound service at 3S Art Space in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in January 2025, where musicians responded to the changing light in the room that reflected and refracted through Christina’s suspended artwork. Andrew Halchak, the composer of this piece, is playing bass clarinet, and Tomas Cruz and Katie Seiler are singing. Becky: Definitely don’t crash. I can look it up my own. And I can’t wait to listen. I’m gonna listen on my drive back home from the park. Um, I could not agree with you more. I am so proud and honored to be having the kind of conversations we’re having. I w- I... So today, I spent all day creating a visual map of all the influences that I know of already in my cosmology and, um, those that I, um, will probably resonate but I haven’t had m- much exposure to. So it’s like a map of my own deepening in-- a map of my unique deepening into my own inner knowing, as paved the way by all the people who’ve come before. And I just am struck by, “This is my life? This is what I get to do?” And it is the work of our time, and yet it’s so fascinating to me that because it doesn’t make money, because it’s not viewed as, quote-unquote, productive, I can still fall into that trap of thinking, like, this isn’t real life or this isn’t valuable and that... But the this that I’m talking about is talking about what is life? What is reality? Why are we here? These are the biggest questions we could possibly be sitting in, and yet it’s fascinating how predominant the programming is to convince us that that’s not a worthwhile endeavor. So yes, I am so proud and honored to be in this space with you and having these conversations and normalizing, normalizing these conversations, normalizing that it’s worthy of our time and attention because what else is, if not this, you know? I love you so. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit noticingpod.substack.com [https://noticingpod.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Bless the Foolish Ideas

In this week’s episode, we speak to Jenny O’Connell, a woman who has always lived in the world with her entire body. She is a writer, naturalist, outdoor guide, ultimate frisbee player, and fierce lover of the world who reminds us to leap. What feels remarkable about this conversation is how many times Jenny had faith in her life and acted accordingly. By radiating from her bright center, Jenny beckons us to reflect on the story of our own lives. What would it feel like to write our life story as we live it? She is an apt guide; her adventure memoir WILDHEART comes out on June 1, 2027 with DK Books at Penguin Random House. Jenny identifies many moments where her life caught her, pulling her like a hook behind her belly button in a new and surprising direction, notably the time when a short conversation with a neighbor’s elderly mother changed the course of her life. Her intuition was strong enough, she says, that thankfully she was always willing to pivot where life asked her to go. Jenny sees this moment as one where she can reignite our collective heart sparks and invite us into our own wildness, which as we discuss in this episode, can take many forms. Jenny shows how stories catalyze something deep within us, and we believe her story of wildness and homecoming will arrive into your hearts as both a catalyst and an invitation. How do we, as women, fill the room with our own power? How do we protect our sovereignty? Dare to let Jenny’s aliveness catalyze something in you. Dare to ask what form wildness takes. This invitation can be as quiet or loud as you need it to be, because after all, as Jenny kindly reminds us, “we are a creature that forgets we’re alive all the time.” For more of Jenny, check out her: Website [https://jenny-oconnell.com/] Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/jenny__oconnell] Jenny is also on Substack! Subscribe below: A few other inspirations from this week’s episode: “Writing a woman’s life” by Katherine Heilbrun “Women who run with the wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estés The John O’Donohue episode of On Being Christina references [https://onbeing.org/programs/john-odonohue-the-inner-landscape-of-beauty/] Episode Transcript Christina: You know what’s cool about just staying with a feeling is, well, like sometimes, first of all, sometimes you have to like figure out where that feeling lives. And then once you get it to just be like, oh yeah, hey, I see you. I see you fear. Hello. I am afraid of this thing. And then, like, I feel so much lighter now that I’ve addressed it. Um, not to say that it’s done, but it was really great to identify like, oh, I think actually this thing is holding me back. And then to, to figure out why and releasing that, you know, like I know that everything changes. Everything changes. So when I think about like, what if I could go reach out into the world to do what I’m meant to do in large or small ways and then to come back and be fully present in this place, um, rather than trying to like squeeze the large and small ways into this place? It’s an interesting thought. Um, and yeah, Jessie Buckley came to mind because I remember seeing like a quick clip of her speaking with the chick who played Alphaba in Wicked in the movie. And that actress was saying like, “I always watch your roles, Jessie, and I feel like worried about you. Are you okay? ‘Cause you throw so much of yourself in them.” And Jessie Buckley’s answer was like, “Yeah, my life is so simple. So I’m able to go and throw my whole self into these roles because I come back to like this really nourishing, simple, grounded place, um, where I build everything back up again. Becky: Welcome to Noticing: A Podcast About Nothing And Everything At The Same Time. In this week’s episode, we speak to Jenny O’Connell, a woman who has always lived in the world with her entire body. She’s a writer, a naturalist, outdoor guide, ultimate Frisbee player, and a fierce lover of the world who reminds us all to leap. What felt remarkable about this conversation is how many times Jenny had faith in her life and acted accordingly. I know it inspired me and I hope it inspires you. I hope you enjoy. Christina: I have the pleasure of introducing a dear friend today. Jenny O’Connell is someone who wrote straight into my Soul and I saw her writing in, in many ways, and I think we started following each other’s newsletters or something, or Instagrams or something. It doesn’t really matter. It was just a very pointed feeling and every time I read something she wrote, I felt this is someone who was cut from the same cloth that I am. And I actually, that’s a very big deal for me to say that because I’ve never met someone that I’ve found. So closely seemed to metabolize the world like I did, and share it with a abandon. Like I feel I must someone who can tap, joy and aliveness in the way that I feel I am able to do, in a world where like I don’t, I don’t see a lot of people doing that. And then one day, I don’t remember who asked who it, it might have been me, we just decided like, can we just go sit on a beach? And it was the end of springtime, so the water was still cold. And I had seen her as someone who sometimes gets in the Cold Sea and and I said, maybe we could just go to the beach and. Just see what happens. And so we did, and it was, I will use your words back at you, Jenny, when you say like, you know, when your life just catches you sometimes being on the beach with Jenny felt like my life was catching me because we immediately went to like a deep thread that we both shared. And meeting a stranger when you can get so immediately real with them is, um pretty uncommon. And since then, uh, we have just, our friendship has deepened and it’s always been supported and incredibly authentic and refreshing to me in this life. And I am thrilled to talk to Jenny today. Becky knows you now as well. And yeah, there’s so much more I could say, but, but just meeting someone who feels like a true kindred spirit in a way, unlike anyone I’d ever met, is what I would call you. Jenny O’Connell. Jenny: Oh, so good to be here. Christina, can you just introduce me for everything I do for now? That was the most heartfelt introduction. Christina: Yeah. Jenny: There’ve been like 40 cold dips since, and I’m so glad about it. Christina: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep. Um, and actually I was thinking, uh, ‘cause you know, I, I’ve mentioned it here before and probably to you in real life, but, um, I read Mary Oliver. I have her Devotions book, which has a selection of lots of different, pieces, pieces of poetry from different books she’s published throughout her lifetime. And I read it to my daughters before bed. And I have one that I’d love to read because it, it, it was, it reminded me of you. And then we can just go. So here it’s, it’s called The other Kingdoms. Consider the other kingdoms, the trees, for example, with their mellow sounding titles. Oak, Aspen, Willow, or the Snow for which the peoples of the North have dozens of words to describe its different arrivals or the creatures with their thick fur, their shy and wordless gaze, their infallible sense of what their lives are meant to be. Thus, the world grows rich grows wild, and you two grow rich, grow sweetly wild as you two were born to be. Jenny: Hmm. Christina, I can’t believe you picked that one because, that quote, the end of that poem, just those last two lines, are listed as an epigraph in the draft of my book right now that I have, uh, grow sweetly wild. Christina: Mm. I mean, that feels like. I mean, nobody even knows that you have a book. Do you wanna start talking about, I mean, I didn’t tell, I didn’t list, we purposefully don’t list people’s accolades or things. It’s um, yeah. So you’re a writer. Jenny: Um, yeah. Yeah. Well I love that. I love that you just start with the connection and it grows from there. But since you’re my friend, you also know that this is basically all I can talk about right now because I am in the process of finishing it. I have been writing a book for 10 years it’s a adventure memoir, it’s called Wild Heart. And it follows a journey that I took back in 2014, when I met. It was based in a meeting I had with a woman who was a legend in Finnish Lapland. I was, I’m a big zig zacker. I started as a musician. I, studied music in college and then I fell in love with the natural world and just, I’ve always been in love with it. But, when I came out of college, I just kept getting these nudges like, you need to go outside. You need to be outside. You need to be moving your body outside. You need to be connecting to place. And so I did a 180 from my music education career and ended up becoming an outdoor guide. And I moved to San Francisco to this national recreation area just outside the city where I taught, as a naturalist, and started to get into outdoor guiding around California as well. And it was such a strong pull. And when I met, uh, the woman’s name was Petronella, I was 26 years old, and I had been, following this poll from wild places from nature to connect. And I had been really reorienting my sense of the world around that. And I was just starting to wake up to some of the ways that I had been, for lack of a better word, tamed by my society. Ways that I had, been taught to live or to think about what I could expect from my life. And I was craving something wilder and I didn’t know how to do it. I, you know, was looking for examples. And my friend down the hill from where I lived in this coastal village in California, was taking care of her 89-year-old mother who had dementia. And so I just brought over quiche and a bottle of wine one night. And the first thing that her mother said to me, she looked at me and she said, I walked to Lapland and I was 26 and foolish enough to jump, you know? Becky: Yes. Jenny: Um, which like, may I still be, please? Im 39. Um, but I just had this moment. It was something else passed between us, like something more than just conversation. There was like this current of energy. And I immediately just felt it in my gut and I was like, fuck. Like, sorry, can I curse on here? Sorry. Becky: Absolutely. Yes. Jenny: That’s how I felt. It was like so guttural. It was just like, this is for me. I have to do this. I didn’t even know what this was like. I learned that night from the woman whose name is Petronella van der Moer and her daughter that in 1949, right after World War ii, she was Dutch. She had gone to Finland with dreams of being a writer. She wanted to be a writer. And she, , you know, it was a time when Europe had been devastated by World War ii, Finland in particular, because it was caught between these two major world powers and, they were rebuilding after the war. And Petronella sailed into Turku, Finland, and made her way to Helsinki and just started interviewing the famous city elite. Like she just started getting in with these. Hot shots in Helsinki. And then she ran out of money and ditched her hotel bills and fled the police north to Lapland where she, on the way, she met, this man on a bus who was a geologist who was heading into the gold fields where there was a gold rush going on. And so she convinced him to take her with him, and they set off on this 116 kilometer hike into the wilderness, and she ended up later signing on to just live and work with these gold perspectives in the wilderness. And she was there for about a month, and then she was arrested and deported by the secret police who thought she was a spy. Um, she, they ended up finding out about the hotel bills, and she stood trial in Helsinki. She was all over the newspaper and then she was deported and she just disappeared. So they had been searching for her, the gold perspectives who loved her and her friends in Finland had been searching for her for 65 years when I met her. And she had never returned. She had never reached out. She was very mysterious from that point on. her family in the Netherlands was very like, proper and they were horrified by this story. And, and when a reporter showed up at their house in Den Haag in the Netherlands, that was sort of, it Petronella was like, okay, I can’t, I can’t interact anymore. I have to protect my family from this. And so, um anyway, in the absence of information, her legend grew and she became, there are books written about her. There’s a musical named after her. There’s a street named after her. There’s a restaurant named after her. There are two Hills in Lemmenjoki National Park named after her breasts because of bad gold perspective humor. Um, uh, and she is just this sort of folk legend. I didn’t know any of this. All I heard was I walked to Lapland, and I left that night with this idea. It was wild to me because I was 26 when I met her. She was 26 in Finland. She turned 26 there. She wanted to be a writer. I had just fallen in love with creative writing. I had just taken my first writing class and was like all in. I had found this thing that just lit me up and deepened my perception of the world and. And our birthdays were like 11 days apart, plus or minus a lot of years. I don’t know, there were just these weird synchronicities and I was like, this is for me. And so I ended up, quitting my job and one year later I walked and hitchhiked across Finland in Petronella’s footsteps. I set out with this big red backpack from Helsinki and a mission to just retrace her path and hopefully what had struck me about her, you know, in that, back to that context of wildness and what I was missing and what I was searching for was just how powerful and self-possessed she was. At 89 years old, she died three months after I met her. Um, Becky: wow. Jenny: I only met her three times and the next two times she could barely speak. Like I watched her sort of decline, and. She just filled the room with her power. She was a very powerful woman, and so was her daughter. And I was like, what did she find? You know, out of 89 years of life, she chose this story for me. So why and why me? And what did she find in Finland that made it so deeply into her soul and her psyche that she wanted to tell me that on her deathbed? So I, yeah, I walked, north out of Helsinki and between walking and hitchhiking many twists and turns and getting lost along the way, I made my way up to Lemmenjoki National Park where I lived with the modern day gold prospectors who are still up there, for a couple of months. And, it was the journey of my lifetime. And that is the book that I’m writing. Hmm. Christina: I don’t think I actually knew that. You, I don’t think I knew the origin story of having her daughter Be your neighbor. Jenny: Yeah. Yes. Um,. And I should mention too, like, Petronella, she said I walked to Lapland, but she actually did not walk across Finland. It took me until I was like, I’m gonna do that too. And I like got all ready and I got to Finland, but all the books were in finish. And so as people started to slowly translate them for me, I learned that she had like, you know, taken a bus. And, um, so I kind of set out with this parallel but separate quest that was very much based on the feeling I got that first night and sort of the like, foolishness, and joy that you need in order to leap at something like that. And I, yeah, I go back to that self sometimes when I need to be brave and I ask her questions. ‘cause that is a particular kind of, uh, recklessness I guess that I, that has opened up the rest of my life. Hmm. Becky: We’ve had a couple conversations around this time and being in community. I find it so interesting that it was just you being neighborly and like going to your neighbor and bringing over a bottle of wine and, uh, was it a casserole or like something Yeah, yeah. a quiche . Yeah. Um, it unlocked this great adventure for you. And, um, I love the mystery of it. You were asking , why, you know, why did she do this? And, and I was curious, did she ever give you answers or did you just have to live in those questions of, of why? Jenny: That’s a great question. I asked her, why she went and she just looked at me and very slowly she said to tell a story. Becky: Hmm. Jenny: Um, and you know, I will say on this end of it too, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the power of story, about how when we see ourselves in a story or see somebody, that we could be in a story, it can be really catalytic. It can really change the course of our lives. And I think that’s one of the reasons that I gravitate toward writing so hard a story is sort of a, a conversation that keeps living long after you’re gone. Becky: I love this image of thinking of our, our life as a story. And it, it makes me feel into, um, we get to be our own author. Like so often I think, you know, I, I, I’ll speak for myself, I can feel like life is happening to us in this reframe of finding yourself in a story, the story of your own life and like the, the authority to, to write your own story or direct your own movies if you’re drawn to movies. You know, and I’m, uh, I, I wrote down Tame and Wild and, and it even strikes me of like. You know, it’s wild to think I can write my own story, but if you’re tamed, it’s like a different orientation, right? Like tame when you’re tamed. Um, it’s like there’s some authority outside of you taming you when you’re wild. It’s like, no, this is my story, this is my wilderness. Um, and I’m curious, what if you feel comfortable talking about it? Like how did that tame feeling that you were re realizing, how did that show up? Or like how did you start to recognize that in you? Jenny: Hmm. Becky, you’re putting your finger on the heart of my book right now and it’s so exciting to feel you just like holding it like that. Um, yes. So I think many people can relate to this feeling. I believe that we are all born wild. We are all born with this sort of innate sense of self. And for me, as someone who has been socialized as a woman in our culture, it specifically was around the time that, the culture started trying to tame my body. It was like, you know, you have to make yourself smaller than you are. You have to look a certain way, you have to act a certain way. You can’t be too messy or too loud or too much. And you know, I was this wild kid who is so in love with this world and I’ve never lost that love, you know, that is I think what actually called me back in the end. But I was always falling out of trees and skinning my knees and riding my bike and yelling, you know, into the sunset. And like, it was just, I was like, full on living in this world with my entire body. And when I started to learn that that wasn’t acceptable, I started to lose connection to that part of myself. And it, it also coincided, strangely enough, I grew up in this, I grew up in a city in Albany, New York, but I also spent every summer up in the Adirondack Mountains at this cabin that my family has. And kind of at the same time that I was, being disconnected from my body and my own knowing. There were also changes that were happening to the land, like trees were getting cut down. There were bushes that were taken down. There were like. More people started to drive golf carts around, you know, it just became a less wild place as I grew. And so I think I’ve never been able to separate, my own taming with the taming of land because of that. But I’ve seen it in so many bigger scale ways too, in our world right now. And so what really started to bring me back to myself, you know, I’d been, I had been disconnected from my own knowing in a way. ‘cause when you’re disconnected from your body, your body is a deep source of information and wisdom. And like old, old knowledge. And so when I became disconnected from my own knowing, I stopped to what you were saying, feeling like I could direct my life in a certain way or, live in a certain direction. And what. brought me back was actually following that pull to be outside and to, you know, when I started, working as a naturalist in California, I, I started seeing all these other rhythms of life that I had been disconnected from, but I was coming back to and it just started to re-center me around this idea that we are all here and we are all alive and we are all connected, like so much more connected than we think. And that connection to place brought back my connection to body. I was like, I started going for adventures. You know, I became a raft guide and I learned to read rivers and to really like throw my body into those kinds of situations. I would lead trips in. Peru in the Andes, and after my students left, I would just like, take myself on these wild hikes. And really, um, I was pushing my body so hard in wild places because when I did, there was this moment, there would always be this moment where I could touch the Divine again. I like became who I was trying to teach my students how to be Mm. Like somebody who was, I, I would remember my own power and I had forgotten it. We all have it, but I had forgotten it and I had lost touch with it. And so, it was this embodied connection with the natural world and with adventure that brought me back fully. And that’s why I think I was ready to jump when I met Petronella and I learned about that story. Christina: Hmm. So. This. This is really interesting. So we’re here to talk to you obviously, but I’m actually being put into the perspective of Petronella at 89 on her daughter’s. I imagine her on a couch, maybe she was on a bed, but like you just, you just said, we come. You believe we come into this world. Wild. I agree with that. I also think of cycles, life cycles. We come into this world wild. We leave it wild. There’s like a big gap in between and I’m thinking of Petronella and how she was at a point of distilling everything. My, okay. My grandmother is 96 and she talks about how she lives in her memories more than in her physicality now. So like you’re in your. You’re, you’re thinking about things. So I picture you as this 26-year-old brightly little thing coming in with aqui and a bottle of wine as a neighbor. And this woman has distilled her entire existence. Into those two sentences, I walked across Lapland to tell a story, to write a story, right. She had boiled things down into the essence of her wildness that she could hand like a torch to anyone who was willing to take it. And who knows, maybe she said that to every neighbor who popped by or like the mailman. She’s like, listen, I walked across Lapland today. I don’t know, but, but you took it, you took the torch because you saw something in her that you shared, right? And you decided to like do the thing. And it feels like now you get to. You’re not 89. You’re 39, and you get to hold that torch in your center and like pr preach it is the word that I’m coming with, but I don’t, that’s, that has some baggage, but you get to, you get to lead, you know what I mean? Like you get to lead right now so that there’s not a wide gap between a soul entering and leaving a body as wild and wild. Like what if the in-between is like really thick with wildness? Jenny: Mm mm Yeah. And I think it’s, I think it’s important to know this is subtle, but um I was in touch with my own intuition enough. Christina: Yeah. Jenny: To take her seriously. I think it was really easy. And actually a few times my brain would take over and I would. I would be like, well, you know, she has dementia. When people have dementia, they just start, like random memories come up and they just like, maybe that wasn’t actually for me, or maybe that wasn’t important. But, but what really, I mean, this, this is an interesting story. After she died, um, I brought her daughter, we, I met her for lunch. And I brought her this sympathy card that I had found stuffed in the back of all the cards at the grocery store. And it was this picture of the stars and it was this quote from the Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. And it was like, I’m, I don’t know the exact quote, but it was basically like in one of the stars. I will be laughing and one of the stars I will be, . Living and all you need to do when you miss me is look up at the stars at night. I, I’ll look up the actual quote. But that was the gist of it. And I brought this to lunch with her daughter, and we’re sitting there, we’re eating our clam chowder. And her daughter looks at me and she says, you know, mommy was a scientist. Like she didn’t believe in heaven. She used to tell me that when she died, she’d go up and join the stars and she’d be up there and I could look up there and see her. And I was like, oh my God. And I, so I just pushed the card across the table and I said, I think this is for you. And she opened it and she put down her spoon and just looked at me and she said, this is uncanny. You would never have known this, but this was my mother’s favorite quote. This is what she believed. And I just. If there was any doubt in my mind before then. There had been a couple of other interesting signs too, that I was picking up on, but that was one where I was just like, all right, this was not an accident. This is for me. Becky: Oh, so, so my intuition comes to me in feelings, and that just gave me all the feels and, um, we weld my eyes. And I’m curious, ‘cause you’ve been talking, uh, that you said you’ve really, connected to your intuition. And you’ve talked a couple times about this pull. You kept getting this pull and you were following it. What is it, what is your experience of that pull and intuition? Like, how does it speak to you? Jenny: I think, um, the biggest thing for me has been not discounting it. Not pushing it away when I feel it. Often things come to me as gut pulls. Like I feel it in my gut, which is like a, ugh. It’s a little nudge. It’s a little tug. It’s like I used to describe it as a hook behind my belly button that just yanks me forward. It’s not always that obvious. Sometimes it’s more like a, a little nudge. But I think when you get that tug or that, little reminder, there’s the choice to listen to it and there’s the choice to ignore it. And I think that I was in touch enough with myself and connected enough to the world, like to the earth and to my own, inner life that I was able to act on it. I think the harder thing is not actually hearing it, it’s actually acting on it. It’s deciding. Okay, this doesn’t make sense. This doesn’t make money. This is a ridiculous idea. It’s probably really dumb, but I’m gonna do it. And god bless the foolish ideas because I would not have this life that I love so much. Had I not taken that leap before my brain kicked in and cut it, cut it off. Christina: They’re only foolish ideas because of the society we live in. Jenny: Oh, yes. I say foolish with utmost love. Like I, I mean that is a good thing. Christina: Yeah. I’m someone who does, who like lives on foolish ideas. I’m like surfing on a sea of foolish ideas to just be like, where do I go now? And it’s really challenging to, to be that type of person sometimes in. Capitalism. Becky: Yeah. Well that’s what was coming up for me is like, who’s doing the taming? And tho those, that connection to inner authority has been, has attempted to be tamed out of us, especially those who inhabit of a female body, you know? Other ways of knowing, other ways of certainty. Um. And Jenny: that is why I write about wildness like, Becky, we’re so good at distilling things down. Like you wanna come to help me finish my book right now, because that’d be really helpful. Um I write about wildness because each of us has this light in us that when we feed it and when we let it grow, it becomes too unruly to control. And there are systems of disconnection that we live in, or there’s a system that wants us to be disconnected, because others benefit from us being disconnected from our own knowing and our own power. And so I see my body of work and kind of my job here, as relighting those little fires and just reminding people of like, we all have this. We all have it. Um, and. That’s a beautiful way to resist is to just fan that spark and to listen to it and to come back into, uh, a conversation with your life, a conversation with your own knowing and your own power. Becky: Hmm. It’s, I love that you call that out, that it is resistance because it’s all these systems that want to disempower us and, um, yeah. And it’s so joyful to connect back to yourself and so powerful. Jenny: And I think when you do, you, you connect back to much more than yourself too. Right. Real wildness to me is a deep and sometimes messy connection to yourself, to other people, to your community, and to the earth. And if we remember that we are alive and connected, I think we would live a lot differently. I think that, um. We’d, we’d be able to thrive differently. Becky: Yeah. Yeah. I think the closer, I think it’s inevitable though, even if you don’t start off, even if you just start off trying to connect to your own, to use your language wildness or your own inner knowing, I think it’s inevitable that you get to a place of realizing that your true Self is deeply interconnected with every other being, every other, um, relative plant relative, animal relative. Um, and we would live a lot differently. And, and that’s, you know, one of the reasons why these systems don’t want us to connect because then we would, you can’t exploit your relatives if you recognize them as deeply interconnected with, with who you are. Jenny: Yes. Yes. And. Right now we’re watching, for example, the US Forest Service just got quote unquote consolidated, you know, and we’re watching this attack on our public lands and these wild places, and we’re watching, land being parceled and sold off for private profit. And I don’t think that this would be happening if we understood wildness as a value, if we held it, if we realized that actually wild places and wild land is so deeply integrated with our own wild selves and our, like we are all, we are all connected in that way. And I, I think if there was a stronger value placed on wildness in our society, that wouldn’t be happening. We wouldn’t be here. Yeah. Becky: Knowing what’s happening right now and knowing how deeply connected you are to the Earth and this land, how are you holding, like, and also knowing you as like holding so much joy. How do you also hold the grief? ‘cause I imagine there’s so much grief when you love the world as you do. How are you holding it right now in this, this time? Jenny: Hmm. That’s a great question. Um, I think, to be honest, that I still have work to do around feeling my grief all the way. I think that I’m not there yet and it’s probably, I’m probably not gonna be able to fully finish this book until I can. But I, I do think I’m not alone there. You know, there’s so much, coming at us all the time to grieve and I go through cycles with it. Um, it often hits me when my body is in motion somewhere. I’ll be walking or I’ll be biking or I’ll be singing and all of a sudden I’ll be weeping. And, and so I think my body lets me know when it’s time to feel something like that, to feel something that deeply. I definitely root myself in a fierce love for place and for the people in my life and for myself. And so that kind of helps anchor me in those moments. But I will also say that, there are wells of grief that I have not tapped into, and I’m scared to, and I know that I need to go there. And I know that in order to really, truly embody the wildness that I believe I need to hold, I have to sit down with it and, and let it in. And sometimes I do. And sometimes I’m, uh, kind of gliding along, right on top of it being like, not now, not now, not now. Which, you know, I think it, it goes with, um what Christina was saying too about the structure of our lives and how we live in capitalism and. There isn’t time to grieve in my life. Sometimes I just quit my full-time job to finish this book. ‘cause I realized I couldn’t do them both at the same time. I didn’t have the correct amount of emotional bandwidth if I was doing both. And so, you know, I think there will be more space now and there has been more space since. And I think we have a broken relationship to time, in our culture. And grief requires time. Becky: Hmm. Jenny: So I think what I’m trying to do right now, to get at that deeper grief that I know is there, that I need to feel and process is create more time around it. Mm-hmm. Becky: So I wanna hear more , what you just said about, we have a broken relationship to time. But first I just wanna thank you for that answer around grief. I think it’s such an honest answer and I think, you know, grief is not a linear process, so anyone, there is no like, other side of grief. So I think it’s such a beautifully honest answer there’s no right answer here. You know, there’s no right way to hold this incredible amount of grief, that we’re bombarded with on a daily basis. Um, and I’m so curious to know more about how you think our relationship to time is broken. Jenny: Hmm. Well, I, I am generalizing, but I do think that that’s true across our society. Um. I can speak for what I see in society and then I can speak specifically for myself. ‘cause I have sort of a different relationship to time that is also, or has also been broken that I’ve been working on fixing for a long time. I think with the focus, especially in American culture, on productivity and producing and you know, we just have like a keep buying it, keep making it keep, um, sending it out. Like even with content, it’s like never ending, you know, it’s, um you just have to like churn through so much of your life. I think that that culturally is our broken relationship with time. I think that, when we give so much of our lives over to that sort of churn. We miss some of the things that want to deepen us, that want to get in to heal us, to, bring us closer to ourselves. And, so societally that’s what I see. And I’ve always lived, um, kind of on the edges of that. Like as a, as a naturalist, I made I think like $11 an hour. You know, I never had a lot of stability to lose. Mm-hmm. Like I had, I had the privilege of a loving family who was like, we support this go, but they didn’t support me financially. You know, I had to figure it out. But I never, I was actually afraid of taking. A job that had more security attached to it, because I was afraid I would get stuck because I saw people doing that. Mm-hmm. And it terrified me. And so for many years I was a naturalist or a freelance writer. I mean, I am again, now I only have my full-time job for a year and a half. Um but it wasn’t ‘cause of the security. There were other reasons, but, yeah, I, uh, I gave myself more time. I valued my time over the money that I could make or a 401k or other, honestly, other life decisions that I could have made. You know, I also, I’m 39 and I’ve had many loves in my life and many like. Beautiful, committed partnerships. But, I also lived too fast for partnership to really catch me for a while. So there are other things that sort of, it was like a choice that, came with certain sacrifices. But my broken relationship with time happen, it’s, it’s like both what broke it and also I think what is going to heal it. And like it’s something that is really, uh, underneath so much of how I live is my relationship to mortality. In 2009, I think, yeah, early 2009, so I had just graduated from college. I was driving from my college boyfriend’s house in Corning, New York to Albany on this icy interstate called 88 in New York, and my car hit a patch of black ice. I flipped over the median and I rolled three times. And, within moments somebody had pulled over, there were men like helping me out of the car. My car was on its side and so I had to stand on my own window to, to exit the car to get out. And so they pulled me out and it was like freezing rain. And I heard one of them say like, miss the river by this much like, just ahead of me. Um, couple hundred yards down the road there was this river in a ravine. And I came out of that without a scratch and it was my miracle. Like I, I got home that night. My dad came to pick me up. He was driving like 35 the whole way. I was speeding. I was also talking on my phone, like it was a bad, bad, like young look. Um, but I. Uh, I will never forget, there was this, moment where everything slowed down. They talk about this, they talk about the amygdala in your brain, and when you come to a near death experience, it kind of slows the world down. And that’s what they’re talking about. And people’s lives flash before their eyes. Um, my life did not flash before my eyes, but everything did slow down and I could like see the coins falling out of my cup holder. And I had this moment where I didn’t even think about whether I would die. I just felt my life inside me like this, this light, this spark. And I was like, I want that. Christina: Mm-hmm. Jenny: Like, I’m gonna do everything I can to keep that lit. Um, and so that’s a really beautiful thing. It also meant, that when I moved to California and I threw myself into the world, turns out there are so many things you can do. There are so many ways you can spend your time. Um I earned myself the nickname Hurricane Jenny. ‘cause I was like everywhere all at once. Biking in and out of the city and this bike with neon duct tape on the wheels and going to Bluegrass and Speedway Meadows and playing Nerf gun spy wars and like rafting rivers and leading trips. And I, I was so determined to live my life hard, that I then like spun out actually. And I came at the other side of that relationship with time where I like packed so much into my life that I was actually missing some of the depth of it. Christina: Yeah. Jenny: Um, and I was moving too fast and it became more of a reflex instead of a choice. And so. This is, this, the crashes in my book too. It’s like how it starts, because that really felt like an underlying, launch for me. You know, it kind of launched me into this way of being that was like, okay, I have this one life. What am I doing with it? Am I living hard enough? Am I living the way that I would want to? And you know, when you do that for long enough in so many directions, it can also become shallow if you’re looking outside of yourself the whole time for the answers, for depth for what living was. And so that was something that my journey across Finland did for me as well, was like, slow me down. You have a lot of time to think, uh, when you’re walking across a highway, you know, like for miles and miles and miles along a highway. And so I just. I had to slow down. I had to open myself back up to the possibility that I might be feeling grief, that I might be feeling these harder emotions. And I had to let all of that in and really, let it season me like deepen into who I was. And the gold prospectors too, who lived up in Lemmenjoki, they were so comfortable. Well, you know, Finnish people in general have this, reputation for being sort of cold and standoffish or shy, like they won’t approach you. Um, I learned that the only loophole to that is if you have a ukulele on your backpack because, um the people I met loved music and they’d always be like, what’s that? Like, do you, do you play that? But. Both like Finnish culture itself and especially the gold peprospectorshat I lived with who chose this life that is in the wilderness. It is pretty solitary. Like they go up there and they live in these one room wooden cabins in the wilderness, and they dig for gold during the day and they like drink coffee and they make their food and they, you know, they just sort of like live in this rhythm of, um of their own lives up there. And they see each other sometimes, but a lot of them live in solitude. And um when I was up there, I was offered a week in this cabin on the side of a river. It was very hard for me to, like, I pulled every single thing off the shelf and I put it back and I like, you know, just I really. Mm-hmm. Um, I went walking and I sang every night and I learned how to forage for things and I cooked myself dinner and I, you know, I just like kept moving and eventually I slowed down enough to like really see my life and to understand, that I wasn’t sort of this threshold of becoming. Becky: Mm-hmm. Christina: I think, um, all these stories that you’re telling are, are making me think that wildness can look so many different ways. And, we’re having this conversation after speaking of time, like we’re having this conversation. Where for me personally, the last two years, I’ve allowed myself a lot of time and I’ve allowed myself to keep my schedule less busy because I, like you want to just attack the shit outta life and live as fully as possible. And that sometimes can get exhausting, even in its overwhelming, abundant goodness. And so, you know, I’m thinking like when I was living in New York City and I was walking down a beautiful little park and the light on the ground would catch me and I would think, wow, that’s happening all over the place. And it’s very slow. And it’s like, it could be the wallpaper of my existence if I want. So I started leaning into slower time and John O’Donohue talks about slower time. It’s so beautiful. And I, I listened to an episode of On Being and was like brought to. Hysterical crying in the car when he was talking about slowing time down and being present in slow time. And, that for me, being in nature in slow time and receiving my, my own life there has introduced me to my own wildness, which I would call the deepest connection to myself and everything else that I could possibly recognize. And then get to share in its many forms, this podcast included, um, with, with everyone else to remind them. Like, you’re, you are literally writing a, a heart called, or a book called Wild Heart. Right. To like ignite the wildness in all of us. And I, I feel such a kinship to you. ‘cause I feel like I’m doing that in my own way as well. And I wonder what your thoughts are about, how wildness relates to, um, divinity. Jenny: Ooh. Not what I thought you were gonna say. I love that. I love that Christina: I just dropped it or answer the question you thought I was gonna say you could do that too. Jenny: Um, wow. Well, I’ll start with the question I thought you were gonna ask, which was, like how wildness can show up in all these different ways, which I think is related to the actual question you asked. Mm-hmm. Um, yeah, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I read this quote in a book called Writing A Woman’s Life by Catherine Hill. It was like, again, I’m gonna paraphrase here. I might butcher it, but I’ll try. It was extraordinary women are the chief imprisoners of ordinary women, and it was all about how, if somebody gets put up on a pedestal as being extraordinary, like what I did, quitting my life, walking across the country with a backpack, living with these gold perspectives in the wilderness. Um, and a lot of other stuff that happened too, that you’ll just have to read about, um, um, like that could be viewed as extraordinary. I did not see myself as extraordinary. I was just like, this is for me. I have to do it, and I’m listening deeply enough that I will. But I also think that it’s really important to. Recognize wildness in all of its forms and all the places that you can look for it. You don’t have to be grand, you don’t have to walk across the country. Yes. You don’t have to even like, put something out into the world. It can be as simple as you are. Deep noticing. It can be, you know, I think about my ancestors, my grandmothers in particular who came before me, and the constructs that they lived inside of mm-hmm. Which were even more restrictive. Um, I’m guessing, I, I didn’t know either of my grandmothers, but I know that the times that they lived in were either even more restrictive than the times we’re living in now. Um, and. I think about what wildness might have looked like for them. You know, one of my grandmothers on my dad’s side, there’s this story, this family story of, it’s, it’s not even a story, it’s like a character trait. They would talk about how she would ride the back roads of the Adirondacks without, like, she would try to ride it without trying to, without using the break. Uh, she was just kind of, you know, but I think about these little moments that make up a life, like the little ways that you reclaim who you are or that you tap into something that like brings you joy or makes you feel alive. And those are everywhere. And, um so truly there’s nothing extraordinary about reaching for wildness. It is just right there. And, um it’s about noticing it. To your point, Christina, and I think, to get at your divinity question. I think God is in the details. It is in the noticing. It is in the presence. Um, we’re, we are a creature that forgets that we’re alive all the time. Yeah. Becky: Mm-hmm. Jenny: And every time I remember, it’s often when I’ve like experienced mortality or when somebody in my life who I love is sick or, you know, there are always these little moments that sort of bring me back to how short our lives are. Um, I think living in that question and sort of dancing with that, in a way allows us to touch something that is divine or like to bring that divinity into ourselves. I think divinity is presence. Christina: Mm-hmm. I do have, I did know both of my grandmothers also. I love you so much. That question answer was so good. Um, but like I have, I knew both of my grandmothers one recently passed and the other one is 96. And both of them came from, like, I, I know stories of their, of their lives and and both of them were very devout. And both of them would see me letting my kids play naked in the mud at a family party or see me singing in my studio or see me taking a leap of faith into building something risky. And they would say, God is so happy because they’re witnessing my aliveness. Hmm. And I believe what I share your belief, God is presence, God is in the details, all of those things. And I believe that the more of us who stand proudly, loudly, quietly, does not matter in our, creative center, in our presence, in our calling, even if it looks different throughout our lifetimes, that is like a divine expression of our life lived fully. Jenny: Yeah. Yes. I’ve always been, like my whole writing career, I’ve been surprised by how similar the act of writing, when I really get into the flow of it, when I really get going, it, it feels like I’m touching the divine. It feels like there’s something else that I’m just like wrestling with or grappling with or just like. Touching. Like, I just get to be there in that presence. And that’s actually, uh, it surprised me the first few times I felt it, how similar it was to when I was, hiking on a mountain after dark or rafting a rapid with full presence and devotion of just like, we have to get, we have to do this. You know? Um, that what you, what you’re touching is the same. It’s like that, that deep presence and that deep connection. Becky: I mean, we are the only beings that we know of that are born with conscious awareness. Conscious awareness to notice what has been created by God’s source, whatever you like to call it, and then reflect back in our language in conversations like this, the beauty, and I’m not saying this sent, this level of sentient isn’t existence in other beings. We’re the only ones we know about that can talk about, look at what has been created. And I’m looking around my, I live in the country, I’m looking at the mountain. I’m even looking at these invasive ladybug impersonators that are infesting my house. But like, that’s pretty fucking cool that, that God created a being that tricks me into looking like a cuter being. Anyway, it’s like, of course we’re touching divinity, you know, because we’re touching our, what I think is our in purpose in this life is just to notice and be present and reflect back to Source. Look what you created, look what we created. Um. Yeah. Jenny: Another word for that is love. Becky: Yes, yes. Yeah. Because you can’t love anything if you don’t know it’s there. You have to look first, you have to be present with it. Jenny: A naturalist I knew when said love is sustained, devoted attention. Becky: Mm-hmm. Yes. Yes. What’s also striking me in these conversations, and probably because it’s very top of mind for me, but as we’ve been talking about time and right, relationship with time, and as we’ve been talking about, um, wildness doesn’t necessarily look like going, going, going, going, going, going, you know, packing in as much life as you can that the cycles that we’re. We’re all pointing to are all feminine. That that time is circular. You know, time is cyclical. Um, I, I keep thinking about yin and yang in, in Tao’s philosophy, in Chinese medicine the yin is the feminine. It’s dark, it’s hidden in the shadows. Even what you, what you talked about of like the, the exceptional women ent trapping the, i, I can’t do quotes, but you know, the essence of what you’re talking about, of like, it’s not just the people climbing Mount Everest who are, who are in touch with their wildness. It’s, it’s people quietly in the shadows, just being with their own life. Um, and yeah, I think of the masculine, it’s, it’s the light, it’s the sun, it’s everything is seen. You know, if you, if. If you don’t capture it on Instagram, it didn’t happen. It has to be in the light. And especially since we’re, you know, three beings in female bodies. I just think what I keep seeing us being pointed towards and orienting towards is a more feminine connection with time and with life. Which is cyclical. There’s a winter, you know, what do you do in winter? Well, maybe that’s a good time to grieve, you know? Um, yeah. And I’m so grateful, especially as I think back to my female lineage. Just, the fact that we could have this conversation and start touching on and noticing, um, we maybe don’t have the right relationship with time right now means things are shifting and they’re coming into consciousness and, you know, things like your book, Christina, your work, my teaching like this, they’re all coming at, opening up possibilities for people to live a different way. Jenny: Hmm. Yes. And I’m, so, I’m always thinking about. The people who came before me that built this, you know, that made this possible. As you were talking, I was actually thinking about the book, women Who Run With the Wolves by Claudia Pinkola Estes, where it’s all about that. It’s about coming into your own cycles and finding your pack. And there are these sort of tenets of being wild. And that’s been a foundational text for my thinking as well. But over the years, through story, through research, through living in these different directions, people have been paving the way to this moment. And I think you’re right where we are at a moment where things are shifting now, but it’s not lost on me how many people had to like throw spaghetti at the wall before me. Mm-hmm. Um, to see what stuck and to like build to this moment. There are so many voices that we stand on and I’m so grateful for them all the time. Becky: And Christina: I think conversations like this build scaffolding for more, you know? Jenny: I hope so. Becky: I think so. I mean, I’m even thinking back to when we were talking, to Lea and talking about like activists in the past and the feminism in the past who it’s easy to look back and think they didn’t go far, far enough, or they didn’t, you know, do enough but they passed the baton. They, they rose so we could stand on their shoulders. Mm-hmm. Jenny: Just like petronella. Mm. She didn’t mean to, I, you know, I am sure she was responding to the need of the moment and sort of the desperation of it. She wasn’t thinking, oh yes, one day this will, like, I’m going against the grain and this will inspire somebody. Um. But she was living close to herself. She was Becky: listening. Well, that’s, that points me to like a, Christina and I have talked so many times about the ripples out of these conversations and the ripples are none of our business. It’s, it’s nice to, you know, when someone reflects back that a conversation touched them, it’s amazing and wonderful and it’s not the point. And we never show up here with that intention and talking about, like, touching that Divinity when we touch that wildness inside and live from that place, it’s not our business to know how it ripples out. But I, I just think there’s a harmony and there’s like a bigger. Web that we are interconnected with. And when we touch that wildness and live from that place of divinity or, or whatever language works for you, that place of knowing inside that aligned place, um, then you’re playing your piece in the ecosystem, right? You’re playing that very necessary, irreplaceable role in the ecosystem of the universe. And, she might have just been like telling us, she, she did her walk. She’s telling a story to you doing her thing, and it’s not her business how it ripples out. But she needed to, to do that because you needed that little piece. You know, she gave you resources or nutrients, for you to live into your own. Wild place and divinity and it’s, I don’t know that that excites me. Just imagining this cosmic web that we’re all connected to and we all play our role. Jenny: Hmm. I’ve been thinking about the nature of legend a lot as I write toward the end of this book. And I think that all it really is, is that legendary people are people who illuminate what feels legendary in us. Like what feels like it has the potential to be legendary. They make the people who read about them or think about them or tell stories about them, feel the legendary nature inside of them. Mm-hmm. And that’s what she did for me. Christina: The music was recorded live as a part of the sound service at 3S Art Space in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in January 2025, where musicians responded to the changing light in the room that reflected and refracted through Christina’s suspended artwork. Andrew Halchak, the composer of this piece, is playing bass clarinet and Tomas Cruz and Katie Siler are singing. Becky: I just had a thought that utterly tickled me. I, I won’t even do progression of thought to try and get you to catch up to how I got to this thought, but there was a lot. But the thought was, you’re the Jessie Buckley to my Chloé Zhao. ‘Cause I’ve been watching, like through this whole award season, I’ve been watching a lot of interviews with both of them. And like you’ve already said you connect with her, you totally have the same energy. But I’ve watched them both like through this experience of making this movie, both of them being just alive and present and, um, touching their own gifts in a deeper way, it like magnified out, um, like their partnership, similar to our partnership, turned it into this like, um, I don’t know, something bigger than themselves, right? Yeah. All I have to say is it tickled me and it made me very grateful for you. Um, and it really is when people, like there’s something about our reciprocity that amplifies out and I think it’s probably less rare in this world than, um, I feel like when people are fully themselves and in touch with their gifts, then they resonate with the people that will amplify their gifts and each other’s gifts. I think that’s just kind of the way the universe works. It’s really fucking cool. I’m really grateful I am finding the people who amplify my gifts and that I get to amplify theirs. Reciprocity. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit noticingpod.substack.com [https://noticingpod.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

How Stories Connect Us

This week, we speak with Christina’s friend and old boss, Sam Wedelich who navigates the world as a children’s book illustrator, storyteller, and self-proclaimed deep feeler. Sam takes us on a journey through her creative life full of unfinished drawings, toys, and stupid mental health walks. She holds the weight of the world and delivers it in both serious and light-hearted ways, connecting with children through shared experiences and comedy. As a writer, Sam reminds us that we tap universality through specifics, and she uses details from her own story to reach her readers and everyone she touches. She welcomes us to live in a world of curiosity. “It’s easy to keep hope when you are around children a lot,” Sam says. She has published several books and is working on more (details of which she candidly shares with us in this conversation), laughing as she describes how she gets into kid mode to begin writing or drawing. This conversation is both buoyant and real, just like Sam. We left feeling connected to ourselves, each other, and humanity through Sam’s willingness to shed light on what unifies us because, as she lovingly says, “we are all the ages we ever were.” We highly recommend checking out Sam’s website [https://samwedelich.com/] where you will find her illustrations and books, as well as some amazing free (and extremely fun) resources. Sam has also curated a list of a few titles she read recently and loved or which would be a great place to start for the uninitiated. Young Graphic Novels: * First Cat in Space (4 books in series) by Mac Barnett and Shawn Harris (This one is great for DogMan fans) * Reggie Kid Penguin by Jen De Oliveira * Gnome and Rat by Lauren Stohler * Cabin Head and Tree Head by Scott Campbell Middle Grade Graphic Novels: * Fresh Start by Gale Galligan * Speechless by Aron Nels Steinke * Wildfire by Breena Bard * Uprooted by Ruth Chan * Huda F Are You? Huda Fahmy * Family Style by Thien Pham Episode Transcript Christina: I am receiving my own life and it’s making me fall into a puddle of tears almost every other hour. It’s a privilege to be so awake and I’m going to make myself some Indian food in the microwave. Ow. I love you. Don’t worry I have been MIA mostly just because I’m letting all of it wash over me. Whew. It’s really, really wonderful. Becky: Welcome to Noticing: The Podcast About Nothing And Everything At The Same Time. This week we’re talking with Children’s book Illustrator, storyteller and self-proclaimed deep feeler, Sam Wedelich. In this conversation, Sam takes us on a journey through her creative life, full of unfinished drawings, toys, and stupid mental health walks. Sam welcomes us into a world of curiosity and reminds us that it’s easy to keep hope when you’re around children. So I hope you enjoy. Christina: Okay. Okay. Today we have Sam Wedelich on. She and I worked together in New York City. Um, so Sam was technically my boss. She and I worked for free people in New York City and we both built displays. And my memory of Sam was me being on like a 20 foot ladder in the middle of Rockefeller Centers free people store. And her being like to the right looks great um, but I always felt like I always got very excited when Sam and I were the ones that would have to go to New Jersey in a van. And we’d rent a van and go out to these little stores and, help them put their displays up. And I always got excited because I felt like the van was this very protective place where all of the professionalism that I saw Sam have to like box herself in and be like, Christina’s boss. So she couldn’t let things over the line of boss um, it would fall away and we would have these really amazing and deeper conversations. And then there would have to be like the professionalism, Sam, when we were in among her bosses. But I got this glimpse of this incredibly deep and soulful person who, when we were in the van, I would find out lots of amazing things. Like how she loves to sing soul music like I do. Mm-hmm. I think your birthday is coming up too, right? We both have birthdays right around now. And, um, just this fiery, deep, soulful, thoughtful, reverent human being that I loved getting to know. So then I, um, moved out of the city, started working on building my own installations, she moved outta the city and we’ve, we’ve kept in touch. Sam is a children’s book illustrator, an amazing illustrator who always was drawing at work all the time anyway, um, but, but now is like really thriving in this, and I’m sure we’ll talk about that today. And I moved up to Maine. Um, she’s still outside of New York City now, but, it’s been really special to watch you, Sam, deepen yourself into the things that I saw inklings of, and like whispers of things maybe you would wanna spend more time doing. And I’m doing the same thing up here. And every once in a while we’ll have a quick catch up. And it always feels really great and like an expanded version of the van. That’s my, that’s my little intro to Sam. I’m really happy you’re here. Sam: Oh, thank you. Thank you for having me. That’s really funny. I remember those two. I think I know what you’re talking about. I don’t know that I thought about that holding that line, but I did care about making sure that everything felt like, I don’t know, proper and correct, I guess. Becky: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Becky: I mean, when you were speaking, I was like, I know that feeling of like, you get into these corporate spaces and it’s, it’s not even a spoken thing, it’s so interesting when we get in spaces how. I don’t know. And I don’t, I’m not assuming that’s your experience, but that’s what it rang true for me. Sam: That’s fair. I think there’s a certain amount of code switching that happens maybe organically in that. Um, also to, to put it into more context, it was a team, right? Like I managed a team of artists. So I think I was also just being really careful to never appear to have favorites. Like, like a mom is trying to be like, I love all of you equally. Christina: Yeah. I think you did a good job of that. And, and then I loved getting, um, I loved getting the, the deeper Sam when you felt like there was space for that. Sam: Oh gosh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. I’m a pretty open person. It’s also about my sense of safety too, like , in places like this or in places where I feel safe or invited or comfortable, I’m pretty open book. But I’m the opposite of that. If I don’t feel that way Mm. Like I’m a total wallflower. Um, and I would, I’m much more comfortable just watching and taking things in. So I it’s kind of an on off switch a little bit. Becky: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Sam: Yeah. Becky: I know that feeling for sure of like, yeah, feeling out where do I feel safe to be fully myself and, and when do I not, I think it’s an intelligent strategy. Christina: Sure. Yeah. I was always trying to find the places, because I’ve always felt very safe to be myself, and then all of a sudden I was put into a more corporate setting and I was like, what? People can’t just, what, they can’t just be fully themselves. I don’t know what to do. Mm-hmm. And it really confounded me. So I found safety and. Those van moments. Yeah. Sam: Makes me happy. Christina: Mm-hmm. Becky: So, Sam, this is the first time I’m meeting you, but I, you know, we, we don’t do, we intentionally don’t do research on this podcast ‘cause we wanna just show up and see what’s alive. But I could not help looking at your artwork and then I was drawn in, so I am so curious. I mean, I have so many questions, but first of all, I, I’m curious how that transition happened of like, moving from like how does one start writing children’s books and getting in that world? Sam: So there are so many versions of how people do that. Like most things, like a lot of it is timing, and a little bit of luck. But I think all of that always. Is dependent upon having done the work, right? Like having readied yourself and, and shown up for yourself,, and to whatever is inside of you. So I was always drawing, um, and writing things since I was a small person. And I was one of those kids, which it’s funny ‘cause I’m now dealing with this with my own child. I was a, a margin doodler, right? Like to, to much to the frustration of my teachers. And I would get thumped on the back of the head in church constantly for drawing. But it’s how I listen and it’s how I process information and I’m always kind of moving my hand, and translating things that way. I just, without going too far into it, I never thought of it as a job, for a lot of reasons. And, but I, I made a hard turn in college to go to art school, and. Then when my husband, I got married young. I’m from Texas originally, so it didn’t seem young to us at the time, but then to the rest of the world, getting married at 23 is young. And Russ, uh, got into a grad school program, in Miami and we were, had only ever lived in Houston area. And so I needed a job and I did for the first time, I couldn’t just use my network to get random art gigs, which is what I had been doing with my art degree at that point. And so I went, I got a job doing window display for anthropology. Mm-hmm. And that sort of started my corporate journey. And it was fine, you know, like it paid the bills. It got us through grad school, and then he got a job in New Jersey, so we moved to the Northeast and I just kept doing it. Took a year off and tried to make a go of it with my own illustration, and was doing pretty well. And then, you know, kind of got offered the golden handcuffs to come back mm-hmm. To one of the sister brands, to free people. And I, I mean, the health insurance and the stability at that time in life was hard to say no to. So I didn’t, but I kept drawing on the side. I couldn’t do as many craft fairs or, or shows like I had been doing. But I don’t know, I think it was always a secret dream. And then life happened, right? And so we started a family and I had, my first kid and kept doing the job, but started to feel the strain, right? Like climbing ladders and being at stores at five in the morning or pulling overnighters started to feel harder. And then we wanted to have another one. And when I was pregnant with my second. I thought, I think I’m done with this job. Like I can’t be traveling this much. I’m missing everything. And it was sort of just a really personal moment. And so my husband and I started talking about how we could reconfigure our life to live just on his salary, and I could take time with the kids, while they were young and maybe see if I could spin up my own art career again. So I did. And, but that whole time I was drawing, I and I started posting cartoons, about motherhood and stuff when, when my youngest was born, and a woman I had made a connection with randomly online, through, it was like an online platform that wanted to disrupt publishing. It didn’t work. Uh, but we had gotten connected through that and we’d stayed in touch and. In the course of that time, she had switched from being an editor to a literary agent, and she was like, Hey, do you wanna like tell stories like you’re doing this anyway? And I was like, yeah, sure, whatever. Like thinking it will be a long time. Like my, I have a baby right now, but like, by the time anything happens, you know, they’ll be in school and then I, that’s when I wanna be doing this, so sure. Let’s get this going. And then it turned out that an editor really loved my stuff and asked me to work on stories. And my son was two, I think, at the time. So I said, yeah, and it was a little chaotic. And then everything happened during the pandemic and everything got more chaotic and I don’t know, it’s just kept going. So in some ways, very accidentally and in other ways was always sort of ready in case it could happen. Christina: Hmm. Becky: Yeah. Christina: I see a lot of the things that you draw, um when you draw, it feels to me like you are illustrating your own inner world in the context of everyone’s universal experience. Sam: Hmm. My agent and I talk a lot about that. Uh, and it’s something that writers, I think, know pretty intuitively, that, that there’s universality in specifics, right? Mm-hmm. Like that. The more, true a story I tell about my authentic experience, the more close to the core truth I share. Christina: Yeah. Sam: The more universal it becomes. And it’s actually something I share when I go and talk to students at schools. Like I love doing author visits, and I talk to ‘em about why stories matter, right? Because it’s this weird thing that we do. Like we tell stories. And have for a long time. And obviously stories can be dangerous, like there can be propaganda, you know, but, you sort of ask why do humans do this? And I think it’s because it connects us. Like when you tell a very specific story about something that happened to you or even a made up story, there’s always enough of you in it, enough of your lived experience that gets into it, baked in there, that it. It creates empathy connections, right. Between you and other people. So this, the thing I always tell students when I’m talking to them at schools is like, I start with something very like broad where I’m like, I’m from Texas. Like, okay, you’re not, you’re probably not from Texas. I mostly talk to people in New Jersey and New York and Pennsylvania. Right. Or Connecticut. Mm-hmm. Like you’re not from Texas. Maybe you know someone from Texas, but we’re not connected yet. And then I say, you know, when I was growing up in Texas, my mom is from Germany and so English was not her first language. German was, so she spoke English poorly, uh, with a pretty thick accent. And when I was growing up, kids made fun of her and they made fun of me and they made up stupid names that they called me. And it made me feel separate. I’m kind of othered. And then I tell the kids like, if you know that feeling like now we’re connected, right? And you can always feel a little shift in the room when it happens. Um wow. And I know they know. And it’s like this is the power of storytelling. It doesn’t have to be a hard thing like that. It can be a funny thing. It can be a silly thing. It can be a joyful thing. But it’s because of that specific vulnerable feeling, getting shared that it creates this connection. And I think you can, yeah, you can do it with visual art too. Christina: You do both, right? Don’t you? You draw and write. Yeah. Is that,, you know, I’ve got kids. I, we read a lot of children’s books. I think I actually have one of the not color corrected copies of the first book you did, which was very special that you sent that to me. And we read it and it’s my daughter Lucy’s, she always. This is my favorite book and we read it and I’m very expressive like you are when you read it, and it’s a really nice time. But a lot of the books that we have, it’s written by one person, illustrated by another. Sam: Yeah. So I’ve done both. And it’s funny, like not having maybe prepared or, gone through whatever, a more traditional journey into children’s publishing is. I didn’t know all the things that people know about those roles, uh, going into it. So I kind of had to learn as I go. But yeah, people take it very seriously, right? Like it’s a really, experimental new and fascinating form of literature, this children’s literature category. And. So normally, yeah, there’s somebody you sell, you write a story and you sell it to a house. If you’re doing traditional publishing, and then the team there, there’s an editor and an art director, they will match an illustrator to the project. Right? And so that’s something that from the outside, a lot of people don’t understand, or a lot of people who write a story think they need to find an illustrator. And it’s sort of like a matchmaking thing that publishing houses really enjoy doing. And they are not interested in you taking that away from them. Uh, no. I, I mean, sometimes projects come, you know, with people attached, but I think a lot of times, it’s fun for people to try to put things together. Uh, they can be separate, right? Like someone can be just a words person, and they’re playing with language and they’re playing with a rhythm. You know, A lot of children’s books, texts are poetry. A lot of them are rhyming, and then some of them are more traditional story format. And then, and then the visual art can do a lot of things, right. You’re telling a whole separate story. Right? And a lot of times the people reading the book, your audience is usually an adult who is sort of understanding everything and a child who can only understand the pictures until they hear the words. And so as the visual side of the storytelling, you’re really sort of trying to hold space for both of the people, interacting, and giving enough information, or intentionally withholding information or intentionally counteracting the narrative. All with the desire to give the child. As much agency or care as possible. I write funny books, so I’m always trying to let the kid be in the driver’s seat if possible. So like the story that you mentioned, my, my very first book, I have what’s called an unreliable narrator. Right? And kids love an unreliable narrator because it puts them in control, right? Yeah. They know the character of the story is about to be set up for some sort of mistake or failure. And it’s so funny to them because that’s usually their experience, right? Everyone else in the world knows or seems to know mm-hmm. Everything about how the world works, and they don’t, they keep messing up all the time, or living in that uncertainty. And so it’s very fun for a child to be like, ha ha, ha ha, like, I’m in on the secret and you’re gonna mess up, but you think you’re so brave, but you’re not. You’re not at all I can tell already. And that’s such an exciting thing to give a child, so, Becky: We talk, we started talk these conversations talking about like, you know, the world is on fire, what can we do? And I think about. Everyone finding what they’re good at and what brings them joy and how to then seed to more loving and equitable world. And when I, the little bit that I was looking on your website, I like found , your PDFs of, of like, one was like about mindfulness and it’s, I’m, I could imagine a parent finding that and needing those tools just as much as their kid. And so it is bringing this, this message to both the parent and child and I just get so excited about reorienting our society around what do kids need and like giving them these messages so early on and having brilliant storytellers like you focusing on kids. And it, it just, that gives me a lot of hope and like what, what we can seed into a, a better future. It really excites me. Sam: Yeah. I mean I think it’s, it’s easy to keep hope when you spend time with children a lot. Becky: Mm-hmm. Sam: And to like, you don’t have to have children. You were a child, you know? Mm-hmm. And I think part of what probably feels nice about looking at children’s books is you’re honoring that part of you that is still there. We are all the ages that we ever were. And I am still very much a child, which is why I do this work. And Yeah. And I wanna be really clear, like, I care about both people reading the book, but I’m, I want to center children, in the stories I’m telling, and make sure they feel seen and heard, and to the extent that the adults are reminded of what it is to be childlike mm-hmm. And to tap into that. That’s what I’m inviting them into. Um, and I’m using humor to do it a lot because I think comedy is a, a really interesting device to soften folks. Becky: Hmm. Have you always been oriented towards comedy? Sam: I think so. I, ah, that’s a good question. Uh, yeah, I think so. I think, I think, I always liked funny stuff. I mean, I, I can be fairly earnest to, I’m pretty deep feel. But I, yeah, I think I always had some sort of inclination or leaning toward jokes. Christina: I mean, even the way that you talk about how when you go do these author visits and the way that you find a common ground with your captive audience, these children, is to tell them something that was difficult. That to me speaks to your deep feeling ness because you’re relating to them on something very real and tender. So like you set the groundwork with something real and painful maybe. And then you lift it with comedy. Mm-hmm. So you do both. You’re not just, I’ve always seen you in this way. Someone who does both. ‘cause you can, you are a very deep feeling and you can be very serious. Sam: Mm-hmm. Christina: But there’s such a lightness to you as well. So even like in the PDF, if people go to your website and see your PDFs, I think there’s even like an anxiety spiral or like you’re literally drawing. Didn’t you draw someone holding their anxiety in their hands? Sam: Oh, yeah, yeah, Christina: yeah, yeah. So it’s funny because it’s hard. Sam: Uh, yeah, it is. Yeah, I, I, that’s true. I have, I have melancholy tendencies for sure. And maybe humor is a part of how I deal with it, and try to, balance it. I don’t know exactly. You would think after all the years of therapy I’ve done, I would have some clarity on that, but I don’t. Um, but yeah, kids are amazing, because they’re ready to talk real, like they know. You don’t have like, it, it’s the adults that scare me usually. There’s so much more rigidity there, it’s so much more certainty. Yeah. And I find that very frustrating and challenging, and I think it’s part of why the world right now feels very weary to me, because there is so much certainty all around, and people very, very sure, you know, of all the things. And I just live in a world of curiosity. I’m not saying I’m not sure about like things, but, i, I like to talk about the real stuff and, I feel very lucky to get to do the work that I do. Mm-hmm. And to think about the thing, like right now I’m, I’m trying to do a bigger thing than I’ve ever done, which is scary. But Good. And hopefully I can pull it off. Um, Christina: do you wanna talk about it? Sam: Um, I’ve always wanted to make a graphic novel. And so picture books are short, right? Like standard picture book links are 32, 40, 48 pages. It’s a quirk of how books are bound, that it’s always eight page increments. And, and the way that I write, like Christina, if I laugh at this, like I talk too much and I’m, I over say everything. And so it happens in my writing too, that I make very complicated stories and then spend forever peeling them back to get them to like the right essence to be a picture book. And so in some senses I’m like, this will be great. Like this will be easier because I already am too complicated. But shifting to a graphic novel, it’s a lot more story to carry. Characters are older. You need more plot, you need more, um devices, more things going on. But I’m excited to try it. I’m, I’m looking at like my, I have a Post-it note, I’m at the Post-it note stage of it. Which is, if any author, people listen, they’ll know this. But, you know, a lot of people work with the Post-It notes where we’re trying to map out things that we know need to happen in the story. But it’s easier on Post-it notes ‘cause they have to move around a lot. Mm-hmm. Like, I, I don’t, I have like, pieces of it and I don’t exactly know how it all fits together. It feels very gestational. Um, like I’m trying to lift this thing out. Christina: I love it. Yeah. Is a, a graphic novel’s like Dog Man, right? Like, is is it like Comicy? Sam: Great question. So Dog Man is a young, graphic novel. Yeah. I am trying to write something that would be more middle grade. Mm-hmm. So I’m trying to think. I have so many friends that make graphic novel. I should have had a stack ready to share. I can send them after. Um, I have a reference library I’m kind of glancing at. But the problem with the graphic novel section of my reference library is that my children take them all. So most of them are actually no longer in my library. They’re in other parts of the house. It’s a huge genre right now. It’s blown up. It’s, it’s really big and it’s actually maybe something that outside of my immediate community isn’t really known. There’s a lot of big feelings about how much graphic novels have taken a bite out of children’s literature. And. I think most of us making books are just happy for kids to find books that they wanna read. Becky: Mm-hmm. Like Sam: period. Um, but Becky: Can I clarify the big feelings? Is it, is it like children are gearing more towards graphic novels and that disrupts them reading like chapter books? Is that what I am intuiting. Okay. Okay. Sam: Mm-hmm. Becky: I see. Sam: And that, that’s somehow a problem. Becky: Yeah. Sam: Um, and I sort of like leaving space for all the options. I, so that there’s early data, and people are trying to study it, you know, graphic novels, they carry on. The thing that picture books do, which is combining visual language with text, they can be really helpful for kids with dyslexia or kids with other. You know, different styles of learning, because of the visual language that’s present can be such an aid. But we’re also starting to see or be curious about whether or not it helps everyone in their reading comprehension or language acquisition to have exposure to these things. And at the same time, like it’s fine to encourage kids to read other styles of books. I just think calling any books good or bad starts to get a little weird. It is a very different type of storytelling. In some ways it’s similar to the things I’ve already been doing and in other ways, it’s more like storyboarding a movie in a book form. Yeah. So it’s more complex. And the story I’m telling is, someone in like a junior high school age, so a little more coming of age. Becky: Yeah. I actually think that what you said right before that is important about like, you know, labeling any type of book, good or bad, it lit me up. This is like a core, um, philosophy in my life of the way that, that we put things in boxes of good and bad. First of all, it’s limiting because everyone does learn differently. I’m dyslexic. I really had challenges growing up and I think about, how we desperately need new stories right now and new ways to tell stories and, I wanted to call it out because I do think, the more we, we talk about these things of. I think it’s easy to get sucked into a debate of it’s this or that. And the more we can, pause and tease out and speak clearly about, well, there’s another option. What if I step out of this? This is good or this is bad. What if we have both? You know, what if we make space for both? So that’s what I really heard in, in what you were saying. And I, I find it fascinating that these conversations are happening, even in writing for young adults. You know, that a discussion of, you know, not this or that, but Yes. And, you know, and giving people options and, I don’t know. It makes my heart so happy to know that there’s thoughtful, intelligent, amazing storytellers like you that are bringing more options and, yeah. It’s exciting to me. Sam: Yeah. I mean, it’s That’s right, that’s right. It’s, um, me personally, like I am interested in always like, complexifying, it’s not even a word, but like, I, I don’t like when things are, you know, made to seem very black and white. Becky: Mm-hmm. Um, Sam: and I think that speaks a little bit to the rigidity or certainty that I, that I was mentioning earlier. I wanna stay curious a little longer, right? Like, and, and push a little more into that space in between the things. We have a huge problem in our country right now with book banning, right? Um mm-hmm. And, and people wanting to decide what books are good and bad, for children, and. I think stories are so, so important and I think that a lot of people believe and probably do have very strong feelings that they are trying to serve children in the things that they’re pushing for. Christina: Yeah. Sam: And I think it would be better if people could start from that place and remember that as they talk about these things, even as I acknowledge that sometimes the viewpoints are never gonna line up, they’re just too diametrically opposed. They’re coming from defining the universe literally upside down from one another. And I, I don’t know how to reconcile that, but I think the aspect of maintaining a sense of community and a shared desire for the welfare support and love of children would be a better place to operate from. Than demonizing people who hold different viewpoints. But it’s hard. It, that’s a hard thing. It’s a hard thing. Even as I’m saying it, I’m sort of like, Ooh, is that right? You know? Christina: Mm-hmm. Sam: I don’t, me personally, my personal feeling is we need all the stories. We need all the stories for the reason, you know, that, that there is so much universal truth in people’s specific stories. And I think it’s very tiresome for me, and I think it’s even more tiresome for children to keep being handed the same story that was popular in the 1950s. It doesn’t feel the same. The pacing of the stories is different. I mean, my daughter is 13 and, for fun, you know, tried to read little women and it was hard for her. Mm. And we talked about it. She was like, it’s taking forever for anything to happen. And I was like, of course. Because at the time this story was written, nothing happened. You, you didn’t have television. You didn’t have. All these forms of entertainment that have sped up our attention span, and our desire for pace, right? Like you wanted a story to last you hours, you wanted opera because that was how you were gonna go and socialize. You wanted it to take four hours with an intermission. That was great. And now our brains are like, whatever, 30 seconds swipe, 30 seconds, swipe. You know, it, it’s very different world we live in. And so I don’t, I’m not saying get rid of those things. I think it’s important to have our history and to understand what literature was doing for the people at that time. And yet I don’t think anyone, when little women came out. We’re desperately trying to read, you know, Beowulf, you know, something equally old for them going like, that’s real literature, this stuff. I just think that we’re, we lose sight sometimes of what’s important and the stories that people are writing now. The new stories are so great because the people that are writing them are people who are closer to the world that the kids are living in. And they’re have, they’re speaking to the things that they see. The artists are always trying to shine the light on the things. That’s kind of just what you do. Um, so yeah, I think, I think it’s good to find the new stories, that speak to people and make people feel less alone in the world, right? Mm-hmm. Like we need those stories that center all these other ways of being so that people don’t feel alone. Because the truth is there’s almost always someone who’s going through or has gone through the things that you’re struggling with. And if the only context you find a sense of community is through a story. Maybe that’s the thing that gets you to the next, the next moment, and that’s everything. So, Becky: Hmm. Christina: Beautiful. Becky: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Christina: It’s so nice. I, I am in this, I’m in a little class, like a little prototype class about story specifically cosmology of our times and like what, what cosmology means. Like the story of us here, the cosmology of like the United States, where we are right now is very different from the cosmology of like, some small country in Africa or something. Mm-hmm. Different places, even different places on like small tribes that live on opposite sides of a mountain would have different cosmologies. And so we’re, I’m, it’s really interesting. I wasn’t even expecting this conversation to take me here, but I’m in this class and all of these things that are happening in my life are weaving in and out of what I’m learning. And it’s so interesting to hear you talking about, what I hear is you feeling, a real, like you feel the responsibility of what you are doing. And I think that’s really beautiful to hear, because you are offering new story, new, new cosmology to, to this time now. Right? And we even in this class, we even talk about things that we maybe just, take for granted the cosmology in the stories that we tell ourselves Here. We are trying to think of, we were trying to come up with lists of just stories that we tell ourselves. Like one example that’s coming to mind is money is power. Like, do we believe that? Do we choose to believe it? Do we not choose to believe it? God is good. Do we choose to believe it? All of these little things that you might find. And it’s, it’s been so interesting to think about that and then to talk to you as an author that’s literally writing to the generations that are being seeded now. And, and hearing you speak with such clarity and, and like reverence for what you’re doing. And also passion and curiosity. And I mean, one of the things we could, we are curious people too. So like we bring curious people into conversations because we’re all coming at curiosity for the world from different angles. Yeah. And, and also I feel a kinship with what you’re saying with artists. Our job is to filter this world through us. Mm-hmm. And it’s filtering through me differently than it’s filtering through you. And that’s the beauty of all of it. Sam: Totally. It, it’s interesting, like, uh, I’ll point out one other thing about the specific work of, of writing for children, which is that I can talk about all these things and I feel all these things and, and I mean, you know what I’m saying? And that’s a part of it, but when I’m actually doing the work of the writing for the children, I am my child’s self. Mm-hmm. Like I am not, I can’t let that part of my brain into the process of writing stories for children. And not, not that I dislike stories that are like what I will say in a second, which is there are so many stories that are very moralistic, just right off the bat. Like they are a lesson or they are a thing and there is a place for those. I’m just personally not interested in writing them. I want those things to be really baked into the story, and feel super duper organic, and natural within the context of the story, feeling true to a kid. And the only way I found to do that successfully is to find my child’s sense and right from that place. And thankfully, like I am still that person very deeply, so it’s fine. But yeah, like my, the book I had that came out in November is called A Quick Trip to the Store and it’s about a mom and daughter who go grocery shopping ‘cause they’re out of bananas. But neither one of them wants to go to the store because the, the mom says that shopping with children is difficult. And the daughter says, well, she doesn’t like shopping. ‘cause shopping with moms is difficult. And there’s like all these little comics of them arguing about what that she can get from the store. She wants the, the thing that has a free toy in it, or she wants the cereal with the extra sugar. And mom’s just a total grump about it. , and that’s sort of the premise that leads them on this wild caper through the grocery store., and it feels authentic, right? Because I’m telling a true story about what it’s like to be both an adult and a child in an environment where nobody’s getting what they want, right? Like there’s, there’s no win-win here. There is only lose lose. So we might as well have some fun. Mm-hmm. Becky: What I’m hearing and so far from you and what I love, and please correct me if I’m sensing the wrong thing, but it feels like a reorientation, uh, towards the child. And I’ve, I’ve been obsessed with this lately thinking about the difference between patriarchy and matriarchy. Patriarchy being this hierarchy with basically children at the bottom. ‘cause they’re useless. And matriarchy is a circle with the children in the center because they hold the future because they hold, they hold evolution, you know, because they are the next. So it’s a, a centering around children to focus on them. And that’s what I’m hearing in, in your, in your writing and how you speak about it, is we don’t need to tell the kids what to do. It would actually be more beneficial to center them. Learn from them, learn how we can maintain that connection to our own inner child. Because child, like, even in like the tarot deck of the fool, you know, it’s the beginning of the major Arcana and it’s all about like being willing to be the fool. Because that’s when you learn, you know, being willing to give up those certainties. Because when you give up those certainties, that’s when you learn something new. Or we’ve talked about Christina before about, um, emptiness. You know, emptying out the old ways of knowing so that you can actually step into something new. And I love that the way you’re talking about this. Sam: That’s right. That seems right. I think I, I, I don’t have any issues with that. That seems right. I thi it made me think, about awe. Mm. Like, um, like that feeling of awe and how. That always feels very different to me than anything else. And it feels deeply rooted in childhood. And I’m not specifically sure why, if, if I was taking an initial stab at it, I think it would be, because when I feel that feeling, I’m feeling like I’m a part of something larger. Which makes me feel small, but not in a bad way. In, in, mm-hmm. In the way I hope, or I think I did feel as a child, very held, and very connected,, but just sort of in awe. And I, and I love that and I, I think, I think the best children’s books, whether they’re funny or serious, can tap into that somehow. Becky: Mm-hmm. Yeah, that feeling of smallness. ‘cause when you are young, the, your physical environment, you do feel so small. And I think, you know, we grow into adults and we can fall into this hubris that we are the biggest things, the most important things, and we forget to look up, you know, and, and Christina, you talked about cosmology. All you have to do is look to the cosmos and have that feeling of smallness again. Or start tapping into deep time to like realize our youngness, you know, but it’s easy to lose touch with that as an adult. And, um, yeah. I appreciate any invitation into awe. I, I agree with you. It’s, it’s like an indescribable feeling and I, I think it does feel young and it does feel small in the best way. Christina: Sam, how do your ideas come to you and like, how do you prepare? Um maybe this is two questions. How do your ideas come to you? And then how do you prepare? Like, do you have any ritual or anything that prepares you to get into your child mind for writing? Sam: Mm. That’s a good one. Um, I might answering backwards. Preparation of kid mode involves doing kid stuff. Mm-hmm. Um I gotta feel silly. So it’s dancing around or singing. It’s following my kid energy, which is very destructive, inattentive style. So sometimes it’s like. Go into the thrift store and touching all the stuff. It’s like I collect rocks. Let myself have funny things. So like I have toys all over the place, in my office. Mm-hmm. Um, because seeing those reminds me of being a kid. I have a picture. Oh, I can show you that., I have a picture of me as a kid that I look at in my space. It’s dusty. ‘cause I’m really bad at cleaning. Even just Christina: moving the picture. I heard a bell. Sam: That was one for free people bells. Oh my God. I have still like a tiny one from like a holiday display leftover. I don’t know. I love that. That just came into this Becky: hang. Yeah. In the picture. What are you doing together? Are you making something? Sam: That’s my grandmother. It’s some kind of little dog, uh, with a battery operated thing. It was like the eighties. Right. So it, it barked I think if you pushed a button. Cool. But I’m just giggling.. And I love that. I love, I have a complicated origin story, and so for me to have a photograph of like, me laughing as a child is really meaningful. And like, you know, to remind myself that I had, that I had those moments. Mm-hmm. But, so that’s, that’s how I activate that part of myself. Oh. I like to get in the garden. And sometimes I have to move my body because I get very moody. And um, that’s a good way to get some dopamine. So I gotta go for stupid mental health walks. I don’t remember who, like, popularized that. It was like a meme for a while. Sam: Going for my stupid mental health walk. And I was like, oh, yes. Very relate. Yes. That’s me too. Um, so I do that and then, um, how I get ideas, I don’t know. That’s just, who knows. Stuff pops in my head all the time. And so I carry a notebook. I have ink, and, um, watercolors and pens, and I carry, I’m never without them. Like my, I was in Disneyland line drawing. Like I just, you never know. I, I just have to be open, like, I’m like a sponge. And then things pop in my head some, the book I’m working on now, it popped in my head. I saw a picture of a kid. Oh, I can, I’ll show you. This is a rough draft, so it’s not cute yet. But, this, this kid, do you see this little head? This popped in my head. All right. That, that there’s this kid and he can barely see over the top of the table and it’s like there’s something, there’s something he wants on the table. Um, and he’s just barely there. And I think it was like, there was just something immediately hilarious. It was sort of like this wordless comedy with so much like power before anything has entered in. Like you immediately know like something’s gonna happen here. And I love, again, I think that that always feels like a huge clue moment for me, because that’s gonna be funny to a kid who can’t read any of the words they already know. That kid is shark circling something, you know, we found something good. Um, and also because, and there it’s funny, like sometimes I don’t know that I have like a personal attachment to an idea. And then as I was working this, this story has existed in multiple forms because that happens. Um it didn’t work the first iteration set to blow it up and put it back together again in a new form, and now it’s gonna be a book, which is great. Um but I remembered while I was working on it that I, I snuck candy out of the Halloween bowl when I was little and got busted and got in trouble. But I think it was a me memory. Like I think I remembered seeing the candy bowl on the table and knowing that I wasn’t supposed to take the candy out of there. And I don’t know. It is funny. That’s just funny. So I needed to see what I could do with it. So there we are. Christina: It’s so good. That’s like, that’s like you, you know, like you’re saying, the truer that you can get, the more universal it is. That’s like you reaching into some deep part of Sam and pulling out this memory and being like, that is so true. From when I was like five. Sam: Yeah. I don’t know how it happens. It’s weird, but I, I just try to stay open. I, I talked to, I got invited by another illustrator friend to talk, she teaches college to talk to her students, and I was like, oh, I don’t know if this is a good idea, but, okay. And so the only thing I could come up with though, as like, um, like a metaphor for how I think about, storytelling, and I do refer back to it, so it’s holding up so far, is it’s a little bit like surfing you have to be in good shape to be good at surfing, right? Like you have to have some upper body strength. And you have to have some practice time. Like you need to spend time understanding the mechanics. But when you’re actually going out to catch your wave, like you gotta sit there and watch the water, right? And not every wave is for you. Sometimes the wave is for your friend, you know, they’re in a better position where they’re, they’re sitting on their board watching the water too. Um, and then, you know, you’re happy for them. Hopefully you’re cheering them on as they ride that in. And then when your wave comes, you have an opportunity to ride that and hopefully you do. And if you fall off, you get to try again because the waves are coming constantly. They’re not stopping. The ocean doesn’t stop producing waves. And so it helps with the sense, uh, to, to like push back against the sense of scarcity. ‘cause I think that that is not good with creativity. Like trying to generate stories with fear doesn’t usually work well. So that’s kind of how I think about the idea process. ‘ cause I do get frustrated sometimes. It takes a long time to write. Writing is hard. The, the visual part can be easy and feel very magical, but the writing part is, is hard. And I think most writers, if they’re honest, will, will say that it can hurt. It takes a long time before it starts to click. It sucks, Christina: but, Sam: but it’s so amazing when it finally clicks. It’s what makes you keep coming back to it. Yeah. It feels magical when it finally works. So you’re like, alright, I guess I’ll do that again. Becky: Do you feel like it start, does it ever start with a, a feeling Because what, what was coming up as you were saying that is like, worlds are so limiting. So I imagine, you know, that is the true mastery of writing is to try to find the right combination to express this feeling. And if the feelings are big within you, I imagine it’s even trickier. Sam: Yeah, I think that’s right. I think that I’m always trying to, uh, there’s something playing in, in my mind or in my being, right, either a piece of an experience or an imagined experience that’s overlaid onto something that really happened to me or to someone in my circle that I love. And I want you to feel it. I want you to feel that. And so in order for you to feel that, I have to set up all the things around it that will help you to feel it. And so I have to set up all, I feel like I’m just telling myself how to write my graphic novel. Okay, this is good. Um Christina: yes, you’re welcome. Sam: Becky’s good for this Christina: stuff. What? Yeah. Sam: Yeah, yeah. Right. Well, you were saying the same thing too. Like, oh, look at all the things that are weaving into the thing I’m thinking about. That’s we’re pattern seeking, right? Like that’s the thing. Mm-hmm. So, um, yeah, I think in this story I’m trying to create right now, like I want you to feel the feeling of. Discovering your voice and how to take up your space as a more quiet person. But a person who has deep opinions, right? Mm-hmm. Which is a person personality type that I don’t see a lot in the space, which is why I’m interested in trying to have a story for that type of character. You have a lot of, people who are loud who need to learn how to listen to others. You have a lot of people who are, you know, super anxious and just need to feel validated or safe. But it’s a strange personality type that is somebody who appears to be very quiet but is like, actually has big boss energy. And um, I have a few people like that in my life. And I love them deeply. And so I would love to tell a story that honors that. And so I need to set up all the pieces around the feelings, I guess. Yeah, I do. I have to set up all the circumstances so that you could feel what it feels like to feel those things. And then how all the situations act upon that reality. In a way that you can relate to, even if that isn’t your personality. Something weird happens though, and I think there’s, I don’t have a reference for it, but I know I’ve seen it. They’ve done brain scans. Like when you’re reading a story, you experience the things that are happening to the characters in the story as if they’re happening to you. Like if we scan your brain, you know, if they’re jumping and doing something dangerous, your brain lights up as if you’re doing the things. I think that’s kind of fascinating. Becky: Yeah. The brain doesn’t know the difference between real, as in you can touch it and real as in you’re imagining it and story, but it has to be really vivid for the brain to really register it the same. But that’s what’s, that’s the power of story is it does make it so real that it, it sucks you in. It’s beautiful. Christina: I’ve been thinking a lot about art, in all of its forms and how it has the ability to heal a lot. My work has brought, has been brought into places of literal healing recently and then it’s made me think, ‘cause I’m living with a curious mind. It’s made me think, does this work have memory? Like does it remember being with me for a long time when I made it? Can it heal? Like is my connection to this work still alive? Two separate questions. Am I connected to it still so that I might send it healing? And does it already hold memory so that it may do its own work? And I think about. So I believe yes and yes, first of all. And it’s a powerful thought and I think about what you are doing and, um, I even, even in you saying you have some friends that you want to speak to in this young adult novel, I also see you speaking to yourself too, always. Um, yeah, always. So, um, do you have thoughts? Like, does that thought, can you relate? Can you relate to me, Sam? Sam: Yeah. Art Christina: and healing. Yeah. Sam: Yeah. I think it’s interesting. I think, I think it’s an easier yes for writers, um, ‘cause I think writers have always have talked about this for a long time, right? That like, you make a work, it could be a novel or a children’s book or any type of writing poetry and, and your choices. The choices that you made to put those specific things on those pages then go and they’re in the hands of someone else and that person’s having a relationship with those choices. Like Yes, of course. You, I have connections with children all over the place that I don’t even know I’m having as they read the books that I make. I try not to think about it too much ‘cause it comfort freaks me out. Yeah. But I, I know, or I say a lot like there’s a point in the bookmaking process where I send the book out into the world to go live its life. Right? Like, it feels that way to me and that’s the way that I deal with that. And I hope that it has the power to heal. And I hope that all stories do. And I think art, I think your intention stays with it. A. I think there’s probably some kind of physics we don’t understand that would help us explain that. And that’s a thing I’m tinkering with in this story too, which is, you know, the way that, um, you know, strings vibrate and sound vibrates and different frequencies, the same string can do different things. And, and sort of all the ways we show up in the world, right? And these different things happen and how it makes you appear or sound right. And I, I don’t know, there’s some kind of connection there. I I mean, I, why not? Becky: Yeah. Now I can’t wait to read your graphic novel. You’re, you’re speaking my language. I mean, I even think of like the, the research that they’ve done, I think primarily in Japan around water crystals and the effect that intention has on the, the composition of the water crystals and, you know. We are made of mostly water. So yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head that it’s probably some physics we don’t understand yet, but that doesn’t make it not true. And I think intention, um, I think intention does transcend space and time and, and ripples out in ways we’ll never, maybe, never fully understand. But, um, yeah, it’s beautiful. I like thinking of these ripples going out into the world and all the connections. Sam: Well, I’ll say, you know, knowing your work, Christina, like, it’s always been like you are always such a joyful person and I know that’s always been a huge part of the work. You, I don’t, I’m not surprised you feel that that way and that you have those experiences and that awareness and sense. Like I think that’s been true for you always. Um, and it’s a part of what draws people to your work. I remember. Talking about, like, I don’t know if it was art school or after, you know, the conversations about how so much of people making art, it seemed like it needed to be heavy. Mm-hmm. Or serious. And you sort of exploring what it meant to push back against that and be true to the work you wanted to make, which was sort of defiantly joyful. Christina: Defiantly joyful is very true. Yeah. In art school, I had, one particular friend who had a very difficult upbringing, and she, she was like, Watka, why is your work not painful? It has to be, it must be painful to be real. And I was like, ah, it would be fake. I can’t do it. It’s not me. And it wasn’t like my professors in art school. I think historically art was supposed to come out of pain. Um, I didn’t get that necessarily from my, mentors and teachers in art school. I think because they saw me and saw, you know, maybe they would be coaching someone else, like, use your pain to make the art. Maybe that’s where like the deepest work is for you. It’s just not my experience. So yeah, I’ve had to really, I’ve had to really accept that and, and lean into to the joy. Because that’s what, that’s like, that’s how consciousness flows through me as me. It’s not I’m, I don’t have a well of deep trauma or pain or anxious noodly insides that I need to untangle outward. I am meant to be so bright and like not hide that. That’s my role. I’m about to be 40, tomorrow’s my birthday, and I am like, as clear as day that my, the days of me wondering where the hurt is are not really anymore good. Yeah. ‘cause it wasn’t, I didn’t have to go find it. I, it was, I tried for a while, like maybe there is some, I don’t know, maybe there should be more problems. So now I’m, I’m conscious of the healing properties in the work that I make, which is, which is coming because I’m finally just not looking, instead of looking for hurt that should be in here somewhere. I’m actually looking for like how I can put that energy towards real proper forward motion, you know? Sam: Well, I, it’s. It’s a beacon for people who don’t have a lived memory of what it looks like, right? Like I do have the messy background, right? And I’m building something super different in my family Now. I don’t have the muscle memory for it, but I, I know it when I see it out, right? I go, oh, there it is. It is possible, right? And for you to be authentic to the delightful life that you’ve lived is a beacon for the people who are looking for proof that it’s possible. Like it’s very validating. It’s like, oh look, you can be healthy and loving and kind, and you can raise a family that way. And they can turn around and do the same thing with their children. Goodness can come and flow generationally just like trauma can. It’s just very rare in the world we live in. Um, or I feel like it is. So it’s really, really lovely that you share that. Christina: Thank you. Sam: Happy early birthday. Christina: Oh my God, thank you. The music was recorded live as a part of the Sound Service at 3S Art Space in Portsmouth, New Hampshire in January, 2025, where musicians responded to the changing light in the room that reflected and refracted through Christina’s suspended artwork. Andrew Halchak, the composer of this piece is playing bass clarinet and Tomas Cruz and Katie Seiler are singing. Becky: Also I was at the gas station getting gas obviously, and you know, my eyes were just wandering and all of a sudden I look up at like the overhang of the gas pumps and there is this reflection of the puddle on the ground and it’s just these beautiful dance of ripples and I wish I had taken a video of it, but it was just like the Universe reminding me that everything I’m doing is rippling out and I can just trust and everything is aligning exactly the way it’s supposed to be. It was very, a very obvious example of the power of noticing. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit noticingpod.substack.com [https://noticingpod.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]