Desire, Sex Drive and The Discovery of Something of New

Desire, Sex Drive and The Discovery of Something of New

hi again! I know, you’re hearing from me on Substack. I’ll get to that in a second. but first… This live video was a bit of experiment that frankly, went off the rails when I thought my Dad was watching. It turns out I have zero problem talking about sexual desire and pleasure practices UNTIL I think my Dad is listening. I’ve already decided I am going to do a follow up so I can expand on * desire and sexual drives shifting * how some of us may feel like we are losing our identities * and that maybe all of that is okay * plus the practices that have brought a sense of peace to all it for me Consider this video a pilot… or a preview of what’s to come :) Speaking of… This Friday at Noon, I will be going live with Allison Deraney [https://substack.com/profile/46320510-allison-deraney] of DARE TO BE to discuss being seekers of self help and personal development or, as I like to call it, self help sluts. We will also be talking about sobriety, desire and midlife. I think you should join us. Next month I will be going live with Romi [https://substack.com/profile/338214844-romi] of BREATHE MIJA who has been sharing her story on Substack and quickly rose to the TOP 10 in the literary department. It’s that good! See you Friday! xo ash This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

On Aliveness and the Things We Don't Let Ourselves Feel (2023)

Nobody taught us how to feel. Only how not to. Most of us learned early that certain emotions weren’t welcome — not in public, not in relationships, sometimes not even alone. So we got very good at managing. Reaching for something to take the edge off. Keeping the lid on whatever was building underneath. This episode is about what’s actually under there. And what happens when you stop trying to keep the lid on and let it move through instead. Jealousy. Grief. Rage. Disappointment. The feelings we were told made us hysterical, crazy, too much. Turns out they were just incomplete. I recorded this in 2023. I’m putting it back out because everything I’m building now grew from what’s in here — the idea that a body that learns to feel everything becomes a body that needs to escape nothing. In this episode: * Full catastrophe mode. What it is and why some of us live there * The NOW practice: Name it, Open to it, Watch it; a body-based framework for processing emotion in real time * Swamping: a practice from Mama Gena for moving emotion through the body completely, including what it looked like the night I used it * What a 20-mile run in Taos taught me about grief I didn’t know I was still carrying * Why pleasure and self-touch are part of how the emotional cycle actually completes If you’ve been holding something for a long time and you’re ready to stop — this one is for you. This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Where Did the Desire Go?

Something I keep noticing about midlife women: we keep calling it exhaustion when it’s actually something else entirely. The women I work with aren’t running out of energy. They’re running companies, raising children, managing households, taking care of aging parents, showing up for everyone who depends on them. That’s not depletion. That’s misdirection. In this episode I’m talking about the difference between life force, eros, and aliveness, and why so many women find themselves reaching outside themselves for something that was never actually out there. In this episode: * The direction problem: why desire goes underground, not away * The double bind: what happens when you spend decades getting good at everyone else’s needs and forgetting your own * What it actually looks like when desire goes dormant: the dance class that never happens, the trip that never gets booked, the question you can’t answer * Why pleasure isn’t indulgence. It’s information. * Why midlife, as disorienting as it feels, might actually be the moment desire finally gets loud enough to hear If you’ve been feeling that low hum of something missing, this one’s for you. This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Midlife and the ‘I Can’t Believe This Is My Life’ Moment

Ever look around and think, “I can’t believe this is my life”? You’re not failing—you’re human, and midlife has a way of making even the most accomplished among us question everything. Today on Unfucking Midlife, I am digging into the shame, comparison, and identity shifts that hit hard in midlife—and how to flip the script, understand what’s really happening in your brain and body, and turn “Is this it?” into “How can I make this matter?” In This Episode: What You’ll Discover: * The shame spiral: Feeling embarrassed about where you are and why you’re not alone * Gap vs Gain thinking [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9781401964368]: Dan Sullivan and Dr. Hardy’s powerful framework that changes everything * Momentum vs milestones: The difference between busy work and meaningful progress * Professional identity shifts: From “I used to be somebody” to “I’m becoming someone new” * The Hedonic Horizon: Why happiness keeps moving and how to keep up * Ownership without blame: Forgiving your past choices and reclaiming your power * Starting over as a beginner: Why curiosity is your midlife superpower The Real Cost of Staying Stuck * How constant comparison and “gap thinking” trigger stress and anxiety * Why social media makes it harder to feel content * What chasing outdated identities does to your confidence and energy Practical Tools You Can Use Today * Gain inventory: Write down three things you learned, one problem you solved each week * Ownership mantra: “I made the best decision I could with what I knew then” * Aligned action: One small step this week toward what actually matters * Time audit questions: “Is this serving me? Do I really want this? Is this current or outdated?” Key Quotes: * “Who decided by 50 you should have the dream career, perfect marriage, ideal body, and financial security? Show me this person—I have questions.” * “Midlife isn’t a decline—it’s a recalibration. You’re not running out of time; you’re running out of patience for what doesn’t matter.” * “Your best decisions were made with the tools and capacity you had then. Forgive yourself and move forward.” Share This Episode If this episode hits home, share it. Send it to a friend who’s questioning everything in midlife, post it to your stories, or bring it up in your group text. There’s a message here someone you know needs to hear. Listen or Watch: You can listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch the full episode on YouTube. Subscribe to my channel for [https://www.youtube.com/@unfuckingmidlife] the video version of every episode plus bonus content. Today’s Episode is Supported By: MOON JUICE One thing that’s been supporting me lately is making calm an AM/PM ritual. In the morning, I take Moon Juice’s SuperYou—an adaptogen blend shown to help regulate cortisol, boost energy, and steady mood. At night, I wind down with Magnesi-Om—a magnesium powder with three essential magnesiums plus L-theanine to restore balance and ease me into rest. 👉 Explore Moon Juice Supplements → Here [https://amzn.to/42rXjxh] *Full disclosure: this is an affiliate link, which means I may earn a small commission if you purchase through it. I only share what I actually use and love—and right now, these two are part of my daily calm ritual.* Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

The Midlife Sex Revolution: Why Women Are Finally Getting What They Want With Dr. Holly Richmond

Sometimes it takes reaching midlife to finally understand what you actually want in the bedroom. In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Holly Richmond, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, for an incredibly honest conversation about the sexual awakening happening for women in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. We dive deep into why Gen X women are reportedly having the best sex of their lives, the role hormones play in desire, and how authenticity becomes the foundation of sexual wellness in midlife. This isn't just about having better sex—it's about reclaiming pleasure, understanding your body's changes, and showing up as who you really are. In This Episode: The Midlife Sexual Awakening: * Why women in their 40s and 50s are experiencing unprecedented sexual confidence * How authenticity becomes the foundation of sexual wellness * The difference between desire (psychological wanting) and arousal (physiological response) The Hormone Factor: * Why that flawed study 30 years ago scared women away from HRT * How declining estrogen and testosterone affect libido during menopause * Getting hormone levels checked every 6 months (and pushing back when doctors dismiss you) Relationship Dynamics That Actually Matter: * The crucial question: "Are you having sex worth wanting?" * Why it's now 50/50 whether the man or woman is the higher-desire partner * Leading with curiosity when introducing new elements * Navigating performance anxiety and past trauma that surfaces Practical Tools for Self-Discovery: * Sexual template work: discovering what you find sexy through the five senses * Creating "erotic flexibility" to prevent habituation * Why you might need toys now (and why that's completely normal) Dating After Divorce: * How past trauma resurfaces with new partners * The concept of "marrying your unfinished business" * Why therapy support is crucial when re-entering the dating world Key Quotes: "Sexual wellness for women in midlife is a lot about authenticity. It's showing up as we really are." "The more sex we have, the more sex we want. Sex is a muscle. If we don't use it, we lose it." "Are you having sex worth wanting? We've been asking the wrong question for decades." "We marry our unfinished business." Resources Mentioned: Books: * "Reclaiming Pleasure" [https://www.amazon.com/dp/1684038421/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_23S5K0K1N40KRX45VKS1] by Dr. Holly Richmond * "The Upgrade" [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9780525577171] by Dr. Louann Brizendine * "Getting the Love You Want" [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9781250310538] by Harville Hendrix * Various works by Emily Nagoski [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9781982165314], Peggy Kleinplatz [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9780367181376], and Esther Perel [https://bookshop.org/a/106585/9780062322593] Services: * Dr. Holly's wellness retreats https://sacredsurrendermedicine.com/women-survivors-retreat/ https://www.tandavaretreats.com/retreats/womens-sexual-trauma * Work with Dr. Holly: https://www.reclaimingyourpleasure.com/ Connect with Dr. Holly Richmond: * Instagram: * @drhollyrichmond * Website: https://drhollyrichmond.com/ Share This Episode: If this conversation opened your eyes to something new about midlife sexuality, please share it. Send it to that friend who's been struggling with desire changes, or post it in your stories. When you share these conversations, you're helping other women realize they're not alone in navigating the sexual changes that come with midlife. Today's Episode is Supported By: As we're talking about sexual wellness and reclaiming pleasure in midlife, I wanted to share something that's been a game-changer for so many women in this community. Finding products that actually work and feel good in your body can be transformative. Check out my favorites from Foria Wellness and receive 20% off! Foriawellness.com/unfuckingmidlife [https://partners.foriawellness.com/UNFUCKINGMIDLIFE] Life changing all-natural sexual wellness formulas for your intimate needs. From menstruation through menopause, they've created products specifically designed to support women through every stage of life. Unfucking Midlife is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com [https://ashleykelsch.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]