27 | Why Healing Doesn't Feel the Way You Expected

27 | Why Healing Doesn't Feel the Way You Expected

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I seem okay on the outside... but inside I'm still struggling"? After narcissistic abuse, emotional control, betrayal, or a high-conflict separation, many women find themselves functioning long before they feel healed. You're going to work, looking after the kids, handling responsibilities, showing up for everyone else, and from the outside it might seem like you've moved on. But underneath? You're still carrying grief, triggers, confusion, anger, and moments that knock the wind out of you. In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica explores the uncomfortable feeling that you're somehow "faking" your healing because the version the world sees doesn't always match what's happening inside. She unpacks why functioning is often mistaken for recovery, how societal pressure can make you feel like you should be "over it by now," and why healing is never as neat or linear as people expect. You'll learn: * Why healing and functioning are not the same thing * How shame and unrealistic timelines keep women judging their own recovery * Why feeling triggered doesn't mean you've gone backwards * The difference between processing and being stuck * How real healing often shows up in quiet, subtle ways * Why you can be moving forward and still be affected at the same time If you've been wondering whether you're doing recovery "wrong" because you're still having hard days, this episode is your reminder that healing isn't a performance, a personality, or a finish line. It's messy, layered, unpredictable, and completely human. You are not faking it. You're simply in the middle of it. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

26 | The 'Was it really that bad?" Thought Spiral..

One of the most confusing parts of recovery after narcissistic abuse or coercive control is the moment you catch yourself wondering: "Was it really that bad?" In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica dives into the painful spiral so many survivors experience after leaving an abusive relationship. The memories start to soften. The good moments rise to the surface. The loneliness feels louder than the harm. And before you know it, you're questioning your own reality all over again. If you've ever found yourself missing someone who hurt you, replaying the good times, or wondering whether you exaggerated what happened, this episode is for you. Erica explores why this happens, how gaslighting continues long after the relationship ends, and why your brain naturally tries to edit painful memories to reduce discomfort. She also explains why so many survivors question themselves, return to unhealthy relationships, or worry that they're somehow the problem. Inside this episode, you'll learn: * Why your brain tends to remember the good moments first * How loneliness can distort your perception of the past * The lasting impact of gaslighting and self-doubt * Why questioning yourself doesn't mean you're wrong * How to stay anchored in reality without re-traumatizing yourself * The difference between remembering isolated moments and looking at the overall pattern * Why it's possible for good memories and harmful dynamics to exist at the same time This is a compassionate conversation about self-trust, healing, and staying connected to the truth of your experience when your mind starts rewriting the story. If you're caught in the "maybe it wasn't that bad" spiral, take a breath and press play. You are not alone, and there are very real reasons this happens. As always, send in your questions and Erica may answer them in a future episode. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

25 | Dating as a Practice Ground for Self-Trust

Dating after narcissistic abuse or coercive control can feel less like excitement… and more like a full-blown survival exam. In this episode, I’m talking about why dating after abuse often becomes loaded with pressure, hypervigilance, self-criticism, and endless overthinking. The “Am I gonna miss the red flags again?” spiral. The scanning. The second-guessing. The feeling that every interaction somehow determines whether you’ll end up hurt all over again. But what if dating wasn’t actually about finding “the one” right now? What if it became a practice ground for rebuilding self-trust instead? We dive into: * Why dating apps and modern dating can feel so dysregulating after emotional abuse * Using dating as a social experiment instead of a high-stakes performance * How to stay connected to yourself while interacting with other people * The small moments where self-trust is either built or abandoned * The importance of noticing how your body feels after a date, not just during it * Red flags to pay attention to, especially around misogyny, accountability, empathy, and control * Why discernment is more important than perfection This episode is not about becoming cynical, guarded, or terrified of relationships. It’s about learning how to stop disappearing inside them. Because the goal isn’t to become perfect at spotting every bad person instantly. The goal is learning how to stay connected to yourself while gathering information, observing behavior, and trusting your own nervous system again. Dating becomes very different when the focus shifts from: “Do they like me?” to: “Do I actually like how I feel around them?” This is an episode about self-trust, nervous systems, boundaries, intuition, discernment, people-pleasing, healing after narcissistic abuse, and learning how to stop betraying yourself in tiny ways just to keep someone else comfortable. And somewhere in the middle of all that… you might actually start having fun again too. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

24 | The “Oh Hell No” Phase of Healing: When All You See are Red Flags

After narcissistic abuse or coercive control, there’s a phase nobody really talks about enough: the moment you go from missing red flags… to seeing them absolutely everywhere. In this episode, I’m talking about the hypervigilance that kicks in after emotional abuse recovery. That feeling where every comment, every inconsistency, every weird vibe suddenly feels loaded. Your nervous system is scanning constantly. Your body reacts before your brain can even catch up. You start wondering: Am I finally seeing clearly… or am I becoming too guarded? We dive into the overcorrection phase that so many survivors experience after leaving abusive relationships. The swing from over-explaining harmful behavior and giving endless benefit of the doubt… to wanting to run at the very first sign something feels “off.” I talk about: * Why your nervous system starts flagging danger everywhere after coercive control  * The difference between discernment and hypervigilance  * How trauma can blur the line between noticing something and actually being unsafe  * Why not every uncomfortable moment is automatically a toxic pattern  * Learning to trust yourself again without shutting the whole world out  * The importance of observing behavior over time instead of rushing to conclusions  * Why your body reacts so strongly to familiarity after emotional abuse  * How self-trust and discernment are rebuilt slowly, through practice and awareness  This episode is for the women who feel exhausted from constantly scanning, second-guessing, and trying to “get it right” early so they never end up trapped in abuse again. You are not broken for noticing more now. You are awake. Your awareness has expanded. And now comes the next part of healing: learning how to work with that awareness in a way that protects you without imprisoning you. As always, we’re talking nervous systems, somatics, self-trust, trauma responses, emotional safety, and the messy middle of healing after narcissistic abuse. And yes, I’ll still be reminding you to put your feet on the floor, breathe, and trust your damn self. 💛 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.

23 | Dating After Abuse: Slower, Safer Sparks

If the idea of dating again still makes you feel physically ill, this episode is not for you yet, and that is completely okay. But if you have got to the point where you are dipping a toe back in, or even just thinking about it, this one is for you. Because something strange happens when you start dating after narcissistic abuse or a high control relationship. You expect to be better at spotting the warning signs. And in some ways, you are. But there is another layer that nobody really prepares you for. Your body is still wired to respond to what it got used to. That intense, fast-moving, all-consuming feeling you might get with someone new? A lot of the time that is not chemistry. That is your nervous system recognising a familiar pattern. And the person who is steady, consistent, and actually shows up? They can feel flat. Boring, even. And that is exactly where things get confusing. In this episode I get into: * Why your nervous system can make red flags feel like chemistry and safety feel like a disappointment * The difference between activation and actual connection, and why it matters so much at this stage * Why words like "boring" and "something's missing" might actually be really good signs * How the old conditioning comes back online when something feels slightly off and you start negotiating with yourself instead of trusting your gut * Why dating after abuse is less about spotting red flags faster and more about slowing everything down * The specific things worth paying attention to that go way beyond what someone says * Why you are allowed to take your time, change your mind, and not get it perfect You do not have to go into this with perfect discernment. You are allowed to learn as you go. And if dating feels confusing right now, that does not mean you have gone backwards. It means your system is recalibrating. And instead of asking yourself why you are not feeling it, try asking this instead: what is this reminding me of? That question will tell you everything. 📩 Send in YOUR questions [http://theerikaleon.com/podcast] and get them answered on the podcast! 📢 Get a Laster Coaching call for only $150. [https://calendly.com/theerikaleon/1-1-intro-rate-laser-coaching] A 45-minute session to get to know me, experience my approach, and receive a personalized plan to kickstart your healing journey. Perfect for testing the waters before diving deeper. 🎬 Watch Unfu*kwithable Boundaries Masterclass for FREE. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/boundaries-masterclass] Learn how setting clear boundaries can change your life for good and where to start!  📝 Get the Somatic Keys Course. [https://www.theerikaleon.com/somatic-course] Learn how to recognize your signals, regulate your responses, and reclaim your nervous system as a place of truth.