Why Social Media May be Slowing Your Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse

Why Social Media May be Slowing Your Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse

If nothing seems to be changing despite your best efforts to heal from narcissistic abuse, here’s something important I want to share with you because it may really be holding you back in your healing. When many of us emerge from an abusive relationship and start putting the pieces together about what happened to us, we naturally want to find out more about narcissism. In our search for clarity, understanding and validation we often find ourselves in online spaces where the term ‘narcissist’ is used a lot. The focus is usually on what the narcissist is like, what they do, how they operate and so on. Unfortunately, when this material is shared in a highly evocative, emotionally charged way, (often just to please the algorithm), it can serve to re-traumatise a victim of narcissistic abuse, rather than aid her recovery. The issue here, that many people, especially at the start of their narcissistic abuse recovery journey don’t realise, is that simply hearing about the narcissistic behaviour they have been subject to is potentially re-traumatising. For someone trying to heal after narcissistic abuse, nervous system regulation is vital. Reading about narcissists and other people’s experience of them can cause further dysregulation of the nervous system, emotions and can deepen complex post-traumatic stress symptoms. I’ve come across trauma-informed practitioners that blast in bold letters on a brightly coloured backgrounds, ‘the narcissist does this, this and this’. This is simply too much for a sensitive nervous system that needs peace and a felt sense of safety to heal. Yes, we need access to information about what happened to us and why, yet in my experience, we need to choose what we consume and when we consume it, and to do so with mindful awareness so we don’t re-traumatise ourselves. Yes, we need to feel seen, heard and validated, but in the presence of someone who can hold our story with the care, empathy and understanding it deserves and who can help us to move through it at a pace that heals rather than harms. Talking, writing or reading about your own or other’s experiences with narcissistic abuse can take you outside of your window of tolerance and can slow your recovery; that’s when your nervous system activates into hyperarousal - the fight or flight state, or hypoarousal - the freeze state. Until your experience has been fully processed and your brain has healed from the trauma (which will take time), repeating your own story or exposing yourself to other people’s traumatic material, triggers your nervous system to respond as if the danger is happening now. It’s only when we share our experience mindfully and take in information about narcissism while our nervous system is regulated, that we can heal. I’ve been in facebook healing groups facilitated by knowledgeable, trauma-informed leaders, yet they encouraged us to share our experiences, and the sheer volume of narcissistic trauma in the space made it feel extremely unsafe to my nervous system, not because anyone was doing anything wrong, but simply being exposed to other people’s wounds and trauma histories is overwhelming when you’re struggling to deal with you’re own. I found myself triggered, overwhelmed and needing to leave, taking days to recover. So how can we learn about narcissism and what happened to us in a safe way and how can we share our story without it re-traumatising us? Here are some of my suggestions: * Curate your social media feed by removing sources that: * expose you to other people’s experiences of narcissistic abuse * are performing for the algorithm rather than for your wellbeing * are not trauma-informed * stress your system (for example, distressing news articles) Do include sources that: * help to regulate your nervous system * make you feel good (for example, art, poetry, nature, uplifting music) * bring you a sense of joy, hope, peace, inspiration and connection * Select books, articles and resources on the subject that interest you and: * consume them in bite size amounts while practicing mindfulness (for example, deep belly breathing) to keep your awareness with your body, in the here and now. By staying present while reading potentially triggering material, your brain remains aware that, although this happened to you, it’s not happening now, and this allows for processing and healing, rather than re-traumatisation. * regularly check in with your body sensations and emotions to stay within your window of tolerance. If you no longer feel calm and present and notice activation in your system, or notice that you are shutting down, pause and do something else that brings you back to the present moment. You can switch it up by moving, shaking, breathing deeply, tapping, dancing - anything that helps you come back to the here and now. * To stay in the here and now while reading potentially activating material, I recommend creating a mindfulness box which is a collection of sensory items you can turn to to help bring you back to the present moment. In your mindfulness box, I suggest you include: * something to smell - choose a scent you like, for example, an essential oil. I personally love sweet orange as it’s uplifting to my mood * something to touch or hold - I like to use a rose quartz crystal * something that brings you a sense of peace, love or joy to look at - I have a photo of my loved ones * something to listen to - I have a note that reminds me of playlists and sounds that I enjoy listening to * something to taste - this could be a little piece of chocolate, for example, or something you can savour the taste of * Only share your experience of narcissistic abuse with a trauma-informed therapist, coach or healer that understands what you have been through and can hold a compassionate, non-judgemental, healing space for you. I believe they should be able to: * create a safe, healing space where you can process your experience mindfully in their presence * help your nervous system and brain to heal at their own pace using trauma-informed modalities * hold your experience tenderly and empathetically, making you feel safe, seen, heard and understood without ever questioning the validity of your experience * help you stay present to the emotions and sensations in your body when sharing traumatic material * help you to make sense of your experience and provide relevant psycho-education where appropriate I created my H.E.A.L. Sanctuary [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-sanctuary] to provide you with a safe, peaceful environment where you can access trauma-informed resources to support your recovery. It’s a large online library that includes mindfulness techniques, vagal toning practices, pranayama (yogic breath work), self-compassion exercises, energy healings and so much more. The tools and practices in the sanctuary help you come back to yourself and to the present moment, supporting your brain and nervous system to heal after narcissistic abuse. If you’re looking for one-to-one trauma-informed healing and coaching for your recovery, it would be an honour to serve you. Please get in touch to arrange a free discovery call where you can find out whether my approach is right for you. You can read more about my specialised pathway here: H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse - The Journey to Your True Self [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-after-narcissistic-abuse] Until next time, Sending you so much love, Claudia x This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit healafternarcissisticabuse.substack.com [https://healafternarcissisticabuse.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

What Your Anger is Really Saying

Anger…it’s a huge thing…a powerful, explosive energy..it’s hot, its fiery and it can burn, especially when we don’t know how to deal with it. In this episode, I want us to explore what is anger, why is it there and how to release it safely, because if we don’t understand what it is or know how to handle it, it can consume us, harm our relationships and even cause physical damage. So let’s start with what it is… simply put…its a nervous system response, the ‘fight’ in ‘fight or flight’. If someone is crossing a personal boundary, not honouring or respecting us, we feel anger, if something is unjust or unfair, we feel anger. Anger is our boundary, our no, it’s our pushback energy and it’s designed to protect us. Yet it’s part of a more complex system, when it hasn’t been or felt safe to express our anger, when it has been overridden, and we haven’t been able to remove ourselves from the situation, our nervous system shifts states to keep us safe. We may find ourselves shutting down (freeze response) or fawning to appease the threat - all of this is happening beneath our conscious awareness and is essentially out of our control. When we’re exposed to this kind of threat day in, day out and we’re unable to escape - for example if the abuse is happening in our home, school or workplace and our boundaries are being constantly violated we may find ourselves operating from the freeze or fawn nervous system responses. It’s not that we don’t have power or courage or words we’d like to say to our aggressor, its that our nervous system takes over to keep us safe, and our anger and what we’d like to communicate seems to disappear, and we feel powerless to act in the way we’d consciously choose. Many of us are afraid of confrontation as we’re afraid of the anger within, perhaps we’ve been burned by another’s anger and felt how unsafe it feels to be on the receiving end so we may have chosen not to act in that way, believing that anger is bad or wrong. In other cases, and I would argue, that in the case of abuse this is most likely - the anger that has been unexpressed is still living as a highly charged response in your nervous system and that when triggered, it feels explosive or too much inside of us, out of proportion to the situation, so we keep it in, fearing its power to overwhelm us as well as the other. What’s needed here, I believe, is to befriend our anger, to recognise it for the messenger it is, to recognise the boundary that’s being crossed and once the intensity of the emotion has died down, we can take clear communication and action to uphold the boundary or correct the injustice. The problem is the excess charge in the system, all the times that you weren’t able to protect yourself, every time your no was overridden, every time you couldn’t get away and that charge wasn’t released, in my experience, it lives on until its honoured and released. So how do we do that? If you fear confrontation, feel anger that’s disproportionate to the situation or have been in an abusive situation where your boundaries were violated again and again, I recommend taking a bit of time on a regular basis to feel and release the anger. By this, I don’t mean punching a pillow, which doesn’t necessarily release the charge but may even serve to engrain the anger pathway further, but releasing it safely in a way that means that it’s processed out of your system for good. EFT Tapping is a wonderful tool for expressing and releasing anger, while tapping on the specific tapping points and simply saying how you feel, you are both activating the vagus nerve and releasing the charge, so you’re not deepening the pathways of anger, you’re releasing and healing them. Every piece of anger that you release safely in this way is a piece that’s released for good and over time you should feel lighter in your system and when you experience injustice of a boundary being crossed, your anger will cease to overwhelm you and become the messenger that it is, alerting you to the fact that there’s something wrong and that you need to do something about it. (You can find EFT Tapping to Release Anger in my H.E.A.L Sanctuary [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-sanctuary] monthly membership). This is where your power lies, in being able to feel your anger, to recognise what it’s pointing to and to use that information to clearly and calmly enforce a boundary or to stand up for yourself against an injustice, when it’s essentially safe to do so. When we know that we can protect ourselves, we feel safer in ourselves, in our relationships and the world. Our anger will always rise to protect us, we don’t have to worry about that. If you find yourself in physical danger, your nervous system will automatically shift you into the response it deems safest for you in the moment. You’ll simply be able to feel freer and calmer and more spacious within, when the excess charge has been released. Sometimes we get stuck in a loop of feeling and expressing anger in a destructive way, again, it simply depends on what your nervous system has determined is the safest approach for you to state your boundary or to stand up to unfairness. Its not your fault if that’s whats been happening, however if you’re not in any actual danger, then cooling your body can really help with shifting out of the fight response and bringing you back to your centre. A technique you can use to literally cool an angry state is the yogic breathing practice of sitali (if you can roll your tongue) or sitkari (stacking your front teeth on top of each other) if you can’t. Inhale through rolled tongue or stacked teeth, letting the air cool as it moves along your tongue and feeling it cool your body all the way into your lungs. It literally takes your body temperature down a little and as anger is a heated state, helps you to cool off. (I teach this in my H.E.A.L Sanctuary [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-sanctuary] monthly membership). Similarly taking a cool shower, splashing your face with cold water or running your wrists under a cold tap will also serve this purpose. When we weren’t able to express our anger as a child, perhaps it wasn’t safe to be expressed in our home or was deemed culturally inappropriate, it can lead to a sense of powerlessness and a pattern of people pleasing and fawning to avoid confrontation which makes us more vulnerable to being taken advantage of by narcissistic personalities. So if you’ve felt unable to speak up for yourself and defend yourself, it’s not your fault, it’s just what your nervous system learned was safest at the time, and now you’re an adult, you can change that, you can heal your brain and nervous system. There are so many ways to approach the healing, but one thing’s for sure, your power lies beneath your anger, and freeing the excess charge from your system puts you back in the driving seat again with regard to boundaries and standing up for yourself, and once you can do this comfortably, you’ll feel in charge of yourself and your life again. As well as EFT Tapping, energy healing such as Reiki [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/reiki-healing-courses], Sekhem [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/sekhem-initiations] or Angelic Healing can be directed to the source of the injustice or boundary violation you’ve experience to help free the charge from your nervous system, hypnotherapy can work directly with your subconscious mind to help reprogram your emotional and nervous system responses in the moment and brainspotting can help the excess charge to somatically release at your body’s natural pace. (Again, you’ll find lots of mini-energy healings to support you in my H.E.A.L Sanctuary [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-sanctuary] monthly membership, including one’s for inner peace and empowerment) These are just some of the tools I use in my H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse - The Journey to Your True Self [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-after-narcissistic-abuse] pathway. It’s a healing pathway I’ve created to support women recovering from narcissistic abuse to heal their nervous systems, help them to understand what happened to them, both physically, emotionally and psychologically, and to heal the deeper layers of personal and ancestral trauma that left them vulnerable to this type of abuse in the first place, so they can be free from toxic relationships forever. If this sounds like something you’re interested in, you can find more details on my website www.claudiamaxine.com [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/]. I also offer a low cost monthly membership, my H.E.A.L. Sanctuary [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-sanctuary] which is packed with nervous system healing resources, energy healings and a monthly healing call where we meet in community and put some of these tools into practice as well as receive a deep energy healing to support you wherever you are in your healing process. I look forward to supporting you on your healing journey. Sending you much love and many blessings, Claudia x Thanks for reading H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. Thanks for reading H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse! This post is public so feel free to share it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit healafternarcissisticabuse.substack.com [https://healafternarcissisticabuse.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse

Hello Lovely One, As I sit here listening to the sounds of the peacock’s evening calls, I’m taken back to India, and to memories of a very mixed time in my life. After two years of exploring and deepening into my spirituality in every corner and ashram that drew me - I fell in love. Yet, it wasn’t the kind of love that every girl dreams of. It was sadly, the kind you fall into, mistaking it for love but finding out that you’re actually only repeating patterns that your mother and grandmother suffered before you - narcissistic abuse. Of course, I didn’t know what it was at the time, I just knew that there was a man that I had fallen in love with, that had promised me everything and now I was trapped. It was 11 years later that I finally became free of the relationship and many more before I fully healed from the trauma - not only of the abuse, but the inherited patterns and wounds that had left me vulnerable to this type of experience in the first place. Now after 11 years of living on this magical island, I can say that Tanit, the Goddess of Ibiza, has lived up to her reputation for healing and empowering women. It’s been the most powerful time of my life - taking me through the darkest times and into the deepest healing process I could have imagined. I truly feel that I ‘walked through the fire’ The prize? My inner transformation. I’ve supported women recovering from narcissistic abuse for many years now, even though I never really shouted about it - they would just seem to find me. Most of the women, like myself, hadn’t realised they were in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, boss, co-worker, parent, friend, sibling or child - yet throughout the course of our work together, it became clear, and the wounds they were carrying within, that were calling out to be healed, revealed themselves (usually inherited from previous generations of unhealed trauma and abuse in the family line). It really is a gift when a woman finds her way to her healing path, especially after abuse. You see with narcissistic abuse, people place so much emphasis on the narcissistic person, (they’re usually the one people are afraid of, the one causing the drama) as they naturally take up all the oxygen in the room. Yet what actually needs to happen to heal after narcissistic abuse, and to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships once and for all - is the focus needs to come back fully to YOU, to how YOU’RE feeling, to what YOU need. There’s the long road of repairing your relationship with yourself, of learning to put yourself first, of establishing and maintaining strong boundaries, of remembering who you were before the abuse - recovering your sparkle, your power, your voice and your creativity - and restoring your relationships with family and friends that were all but destroyed. Then there are the more practical issues of restoring order in your day-to-day world, in your finances and whatever else they may have devastated as they tornado-ed through your life. Not to mention your brain that needs healing, your nervous system that needs regulating and the subconscious beliefs that got wired in - that need weeding out and re-patterning so you can finally move forward with your life again. It’s a lot. Yet, if this is resonating with you, please have hope that healing after narcissistic abuse is possible and what’s more it can be one of the most healing, empowering and transformational journeys you’ll ever embark on. My dedicated pathway - H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse - The Journey to Your True Self [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-after-narcissistic-abuse] is a path that leads you to heal deeply at the root cause level, clearing the core wound, the stored emotions and the subconscious limiting beliefs that keep you trapped in the cycle of toxic relationships and liberates you to reclaim your true, empowered authentic self and to recreate YOUR life as YOU choose. So if there’s a longing within you to heal and come home to yourself, but you’re not sure how or where to being, I’d be honoured to be your guide. This spring I have a special gift for you, from now until the end of May, I’m offering: £111 off my one-to-one, personalised, trauma-informed healing programme H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse - The Journey to Your True Self [https://www.claudiamaxine.com/heal-after-narcissistic-abuse] There are limited places at this special price, so please get in touch via email [claudiamaxinehealer@gmail.com] or WhatsApp [https://wa.me/34608412519] to arrange a free, no-pressure call, where we’ll explore where you’re at in your healing journey and determine whether H.E.A.L. After Narcissistic Abuse is the right fit for you. I look forward to hearing from you and supporting you on your journey of healing, empowerment and transformation. With love, Claudia x This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit healafternarcissisticabuse.substack.com [https://healafternarcissisticabuse.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]