When the Caterpillar Turns into the Butterfly.

Was My Brain Protecting Me?

I've never in my life felt "lucky" to have Bipolar Disorder .... nobody ever wishes for a mental illness... so I will not say in this moment I feel lucky... or happy... but ... I guess in this moment I am starting to see the truth .... the reality and clarity of what my brain was doing. Yes, my brain was lying to me .... it was telling me things that were not true ... but it was also somewhat keeping me away from the ultimate truth ... the ultimate heart-shattering reality .... that my Dad was dead. He was never coming back.... and my brain decided ... "Alana.... we are not going to allow you to fully FEEL this ... AS DEEP AS YOU WOULD ... without this illness." So.... I guess my question is ... Was my Brain Protecting ME???

The Fog.

As I am here in this "inbetween" state of hypomania and depression .... I feel so foggy... yet somehow, clear in the sense that I am now looking through what has transpired over the past 5-6 months through a different lens....Still in disbelief that this is happening....

Manic for Months and I had NO Idea.

This is when the realization was becoming clear ... a depressive episode of Bipolar disorder doesn't just happen .. as I have said many times "what goes up... must come down." - I was realizing that not only was I now suffering from the indescribable ache of depression .... I was looking back on all of these months ... realizing, that my Brain was Lying to Me.

The Bipolar Depressive Crash - 6/2/26.

In the history of my illness I have never gone to sleep one night feeling "Fine" and then waking up the next morning and felt Depression. But... I guess there's a first time for everything. I want to emphasize that by the time this is being posted/listened to ... I am OK ... I am better. Although at the time of recording this .... I was not doing well... I was definitely not even thinking I would EVER share this .... but now that the depression has lifted, I want to share. It's important for everyone to understand what an illness like this can look like ... I am still digesting what I am realizing in this moment ... and I am going to continue to take you all along with me... if that's OK. Thank you.

Please Listen to This First.

Hi everyone.... I ask you listen to this before you listen to the upcoming episodes.... I was very close to deleting the entire podcast two weeks ago... I was beyond embarrassed, ashamed, and devastated. I have decided instead, to share the details of what has happened .... in the hopes to continue to bring awareness to mental illness, especially the highs and lows of Bipolar Disorder. Thank you so much for continuing this journey with me .... I am very unsure on what direction we are heading now .... but having you with me really helps... Love Always, Alana