How To Build Confidence When Preparing For a New Role

How To Build Confidence When Preparing For a New Role

There is a common belief about confidence that most of us carry without ever examining it: that confidence is something you either have or you do not. That before you can take on something new, you need to feel ready. That readiness is a prerequisite, and that if it is absent, you should wait. This belief is wrong. And it is worth being direct about that, because it costs people a great deal. The gap between competence and confidence The more useful truth is this: most people who feel unready for a new role, a promotion, or a challenge already have the skills the situation requires. What they lack is not ability. It is an internal sense of permission. Confidence and competence are not the same thing, and they do not develop in parallel. You can be genuinely skilled and feel completely fraudulent. You can have done something ten times and still feel like you are about to be found out. This is not a character flaw. It is what happens when your sense of self has not caught up with what your experience actually shows. The question is not whether you are ready. The question is whether you have the tools to close that gap. Why identity lags behind role changes When someone moves into a new position, their internal picture of themselves often stays behind. They are still operating from an older version of who they think they are. You may be a team leader today, but inside you still feel like the junior hire from three years ago. The title has changed. The responsibilities have changed. But the voice in your head is still running on old information. How much of what you believe about your capabilities comes from actual evidence? How much comes from messages you absorbed long ago, from teachers, managers, or family members, that may never have been accurate at all? Identity change is slower than role change. Knowing this does not fix it, but it does mean you can stop treating the gap as proof that you do not belong. It is a normal part of any transition. The work is to build the internal evidence that your picture of yourself needs to update. Borrowed confidence versus built confidence Not all confidence is the same, and this distinction is one of the most useful things you can carry into a new role. Borrowed confidence comes from external sources: titles, job descriptions, approval from authority figures, validation from colleagues, past successes that others have recognised. It feels real while the context holds. But it is fragile. When the context changes, when you start something new, when the approving voice is no longer in the room, it disappears. Built confidence comes from evidence you have collected yourself. Not reassurance. Not affirmations. Concrete, specific proof of what you have done, what it required of you, and what it demonstrates you can do. A memory of handling a difficult meeting. A decision you made under pressure. A time you adapted when the situation changed. These travel with you, because you carry them. They are not dependent on anyone else’s opinion. Everything practical in this article is about building the second kind. The voice in your head is running old software In the first 90 days of a new role, most people have a set of specific thoughts running on repeat. They are predictable enough that it is worth naming them directly: I do not belong here. A more accurate version: I was hired because of what I bring. They will find out I do not know enough. A more accurate version: I know enough to start. I will learn the rest. Everyone else seems to know what they are doing. A more accurate version: everyone is figuring it out. I just cannot see theirs. I should not have to ask for help. A more accurate version: asking good questions is a sign of strength. If I make a mistake, it proves I am not ready. A more accurate version: mistakes are part of learning, not proof of failure. These thoughts are not reports on reality. They are old programmes, written at a time when you were in a different situation, probably with less experience than you have now. They can be interrupted, examined, and replaced with something more accurate. The next section covers how to do that systematically. Practical tools you can use now What follows is a set of concrete exercises. These are not motivational tools. They are not about positive thinking. They work because they are based on evidence and structure, and because they address specific sources of low confidence rather than attempting to override it. 1. The Confidence Evidence Log Before any high-stakes situation, most people try to calm themselves down or talk themselves into feeling ready. This rarely works because it is not evidence-based. Your nervous system is not convinced by reassurance. It is convinced by proof. The Confidence Evidence Log is a structured template with three columns: * What I did * What it required of me * What it proves I can do An example: I led the project review when my manager was away. It required me to present to senior leadership, handle questions on the spot, and make a resourcing decision without checking with anyone. It proves I can lead a high-pressure meeting and make decisions under uncertainty. The point is specificity. Not “I am good at communication” but “here is the exact thing I did, here is what it demanded, here is what it shows.” Fill in two or three entries now. Finish the rest over the coming week. Review it before anything important. 2. The Confidence Inventory This is a broader version of the same principle. Ten prompts to help you identify evidence you have probably been discounting: * A time I solved a problem nobody else could * A skill I have that I tend to undervalue * Something difficult I did that I was not sure I could * A time I spoke up, and it changed the outcome * A time I adapted quickly to something unfamiliar * Feedback I received that surprised me positively * A time I helped someone else succeed * Something I know more about than most people in my field * A situation where I kept a clear head under pressure * A contribution I made that I never took proper credit for Most people, when they actually sit down with this list, find more than they expected. The problem is not that the evidence does not exist. It is that we do not treat it as evidence. 3. The Body Language and Voice Self-Check Confidence is not only a mental experience. Your body communicates it, or the absence of it, before you say a single word. And more importantly, your body feeds information back to your brain. How you hold yourself physically changes how you feel. Run through this before any interview, presentation, or important meeting. It takes less than two minutes. * Feet: planted shoulder-width apart or flat on the floor. Not crossed or tucked. * Posture: shoulders back and down, chest open, full height. * Hands: visible and still. On the table or at your sides. Not hidden or fidgeting. * Space: take up room. Spread materials out. Do not shrink into the smallest area available. * Voice pace: deliberately slower than feels natural. Pause between sentences. When you feel uncertain, you speed up and pitch higher. Speaking slower signals authority, even when it feels strange. * Voice pitch: lower register. Finish sentences with a downward or neutral inflection. An upward inflection at the end of a statement turns it into a question. It sounds like you are asking for permission. A flat or falling inflection sounds like you know what you are talking about. * Breathing: three slow breaths before you begin. In through the nose, slow exhale. When you say something important, do not fidget or look away. Still eyes and a steady body communicate that what you are saying carries weight. 4. Mental Rehearsal Athletes and performers use this consistently, and there is a good reason for that. The brain does not fully distinguish between a vividly imagined experience and a real one. When you rehearse something in specific detail, you build familiarity. You are not telling yourself it will go well. You are practising it going well. There is a significant difference. Before an interview, presentation, or first day in a new role, take ten minutes and walk through the entire situation in your mind. Not a vague outline. The room, the people, yourself responding clearly. Being asked a difficult question and handling it without panic. Your voice steady. The conversation going the direction you want. Try it now with something you have coming up this month. 5. Reframing the Stakes Most people walk into an interview thinking: they are deciding whether I am good enough. A more useful frame: I am finding out whether this role is right for me. This is not a trick. It changes the balance of power in your own mind, and that changes everything downstream. When you are evaluating rather than being evaluated, your posture changes. Your voice changes. You ask different questions. You listen differently. You stop performing and start engaging, which makes you considerably more impressive. 6. The Worst Realistic Outcome When you feel anxious about a high-stakes situation, your brain tends to run the catastrophic version of events. The one where everything goes wrong, your career is destroyed, and the embarrassment is permanent. Ask yourself instead: what is the worst thing that is realistically going to happen? Not the catastrophic fantasy. The actual, likely worst case. Which is often something like: I do not get this particular role, and I apply for the next one. Or: I have an awkward first week and then I find my feet. When you name the realistic worst case out loud, it almost always turns out to be something you can manage. And once you know you can manage it, the anxiety drops considerably. You have more mental energy available for the thing itself. 7. The Three Stories Method Before any interview or important meeting, identify three specific examples from your experience and practise saying them out loud. Not thinking them through. Out loud. The difference is significant. * A competence story: what you did, what it required, what resulted. * A problem-solving story: a time you worked through something difficult under pressure, how you approached it, what you learned. * A collaboration story: a time you worked effectively with others to achieve a result, and specifically what your contribution was. Each story should cover what was happening, what you did specifically, and what the result was. Keep each one to about 60 seconds when spoken. Practise out loud at least twice before you need to use them. Starting a new role: what to do in the first 30 days The first weeks of any role set patterns that are difficult to shift later. Three questions worth answering before your first day: What do I want people to experience when they work with me? The impression you want to leave. Calm. Decisive. Collaborative. Direct. Knowing the answer means you can make deliberate choices rather than reactive ones. What boundary do I need to set early? People will treat you the way you allow them to from the start. Boundaries set in the first week feel natural. Boundaries set six months later feel confrontational. The time to establish them is now. What one thing am I avoiding that I already know how to do? Identify something you are capable of but that feels too visible, too forward, or too risky. Then do it in the first week. On visibility: the longer you stay silent in meetings, the harder it becomes. Say something in the first ten minutes, even if it is a question. It establishes you as a participant. Do not wait to feel ready. Confidence follows action, not the other way round. A note on imposter syndrome Dr Valerie Young’s research identifies five specific patterns of imposter syndrome. Most people recognise themselves in at least one. The Perfectionist sets standards so high that success never feels complete. Any gap between the result and the ideal reads as failure. The practical response: set your completion standard before you start, not after. Decide in advance what finished looks like, and when you reach it, the work is done. The Superhero equates competence with effort. Must outwork everyone to feel legitimate. The practical response: track output, not hours. At the end of each week, write down what you produced. If the output is solid, the hours are irrelevant. The Natural Genius believes that competent people find things easy. Effort feels like proof of inadequacy. The practical response: build a record of things that took multiple attempts before you got them right, and that you now do well. Effort is how competence is built, not evidence that it is absent. The Soloist must do everything alone. Asking for help feels like cheating. The practical response: reframe asking for help as information gathering. The question is not whether you need input. It is whether you are willing to get the work done well. The Expert is always one more course or one more year away from feeling ready. The finish line keeps moving. The practical response: write down specifically what you would need to know to feel qualified. Then ask yourself honestly whether you already know most of it. The answer is almost always yes. The central idea Confidence is not a feeling you wait for. It is a set of practices you build deliberately. The tools in this article are not complicated. The Confidence Evidence Log takes twenty minutes to start. The body language check takes two. The mental rehearsal takes ten. The Three Stories can be prepared in an afternoon. None of them require you to feel differently before you begin. They work because they give you something concrete to do before high-stakes moments, rather than hoping the feeling will arrive on its own. It usually does not arrive first. But it tends to follow, once you start. If you would like a copy of the slides get in touch! Julie Blint is a transformational coach based in Rome. She specialises in emotional intelligence, communication, and leadership. You can find her at persefonecoaching.com [https://www.persefonecoaching.com/] or on Instagram at @persefonecoaching. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit persefonecoaching.substack.com/subscribe [https://persefonecoaching.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

The Changing Nature of Leadership

Leadership used to be about authority and commanding “respect” or even fear from subordinates. It was a person who pushed others to perform. That used the stick more than the carrot. But this is not the most effective style and just leads to burnout and low motivation. Therefore, what is a better style? How should we lead? There are many leadership theories and styles floating around from laissez-faire to coaching. You can take a myriad of tests to find out which one you are. There is also the situational leadership theory telling us to adjust our style depending on the competence and level of knowledge of our team. In fact, even the words we use have changed from staff to team, to try and give a more human centred feeling. To try to persuade employees they are more valued and appreciated. We need more than words. So what makes a good leader in the late two thousand and twenties? In my experience, it comes down to three principles: treating your team as human beings, recognising that they are the work rather than a means to an end, and giving them the respect they deserve. The quality that holds all three together is authenticity. When I was a manager for the first time I leaned too heavily on what my boss wanted from me, implementing his style and opinions. I was not successful. I made the same mistake when I began my second and even third leadership roles. Then during COVID everything changed. I was a “remote leader”. I did not have my boss breathing down my neck telling me what to do with my team. I could finally do things the way I saw fit. The first thing I did was treat my team as human beings. This means acknowledging that they will make mistakes, they are not perfect and will not know what to do all the time. It was also about knowing that they had come from a place where a leader reprimanded them and talked down to them when they made a mistake, and where it was better to hide your mistakes than ask for support. The second was to treat them as gold. This means knowing it is them who makes the company successful. They are in touch with the clients. They make the business work. My role was really about helping them do their jobs to the best of their ability because it was really them that mattered. This also differs from the theory that the clients should be the centre of concern. The third is treating them with the respect they deserve. This meant making clear that the company was lucky to have them working at 100%, motivated and going above and beyond, and that they were free to leave if they were unhappy, so the company should value them. This was especially important as I had little influence over what their pay rate was. When I set up a suggestion box to collect my team’s ideas, my boss believed all they would do was ask for a pay raise as that was the primary motivating tool. I believed he was wrong. I was proven right, even though I know fair compensation is needed and deserved. Another lesson I learnt along the way was to not to just give them instructions and let them get on with it without checking in as maybe they would get the wrong end of the stick or not know what to do and not ask for support. Or be so demoralised from their treatment or low wages thus far that they wouldn’t put care and attention into the task at hand. Laissez-faire does not work well. Changes take time to take effect. I went about creating an atmosphere where I was not their friend (boundaries were needed), but they knew I was on their side and that it was fine to admit they didn’t know something, or to ask for help with anything from technical problems to not having what they needed. This did not mean baby-sitting them or holding their hands, so they were dependent on me. When a problem arose, I’d ask them what they thought we should do. Then I’d even say let’s do it or tell them the drawbacks. Obviously, I wouldn’t let things go on forever if they didn’t come up with the best solution immediately and if time was short. Sometimes I just had to step in with the solution, making sure they knew what it was and why, so that next time they would take the right course of action. I would also put myself in their shoes to make sure they had all the information they needed immediately. I had been in their position so I knew how frustrating it could be if you didn’t have all the information you need. I knew what their concerns would be so could pre-empt them and give them the data or calm their concerns. Another thing I’d do is let them know I was not perfect and have made, can and will make mistakes. This type of leadership is essentially about showing and owning vulnerability. This helps them own their mistakes and not be afraid to admit them. If mistakes are covered up badly, they will come back to haunt you in a worse fashion in the future. This applies for things other than mistakes. If a rule needs bending, but the employee doesn’t feel they will get the support from their leaders, they will cover it up, and this can lead to issues such as record inaccuracies that come back to bite you. Lastly, and tied into everything else I’ve said, we should talk about communication explicitly. This is another key to successful leadership whether it be written or spoken. Successful communication can be broken down to 55% body language, 38% tone of voice and only 7% the words you use (Albert Mehrabian). In written communication you only have that 7% at your disposal. You can’t transfer body language into text but we can gain the extra 38% if we concentrate on the tone which will be conveyed through our words. Think carefully how you word things. Imagine you are communicating with an intelligent, but highly sensitive person. This doesn’t mean becoming so indirect that your message gets washed away by diplomacy, but it means making sure it is respectful, considerate, clear and concise. Say what you mean or want without beating around the bush, or providing unnecessary details, but making sure it is complete at the same time. If you want them to do something that puts them out or asks them to do extra: don’t forget the why. But make the why real. No false deadlines, urgency or convoluted/invented reasons. Truth is underestimated. Authenticity is non-negotiable. An authentic leader. I think another one of my successes as a leader comes down to my authenticity. What does that mean? Beyond what you can search for on the internet about an authentic leader: “An authentic leader acts with high integrity, self-awareness, and transparency, aligning their actions with core values rather than personal gain or ego. They build trust through vulnerability, admitting mistakes, and fostering open relationships, which leads to higher employee engagement and performance. They are motivated by a sense of purpose and a desire to serve their team” (Center for Creative Leadership) It means making sure YOU are consistently present. Your voice, your values, your humour, your style. You are not conforming to what you think a leader should be (e.g. charismatic if you aren’t so naturally, or serious if you are normally a light-hearted person). There should not be a leadership mask, YOU should be fully integrated into the persona you project. This builds trust. An overly filtered, inauthentic mask does not build trust. When I resigned from my position, I received emails of “condolences” reacting to my resignation using words such as “devastated”. I also received recommendations on LinkedIn saying things like “…attentive, available and understanding. Her work has enabled me to do my job with confidence and ease, providing me with useful resources, help, and motivation whenever I needed them. I particularly valued her clear and concise communication, and her ability to pinpoint problems and come up with simple, practical solutions.” “I soon discovered her excellent people-oriented and empathetic approach to managing a team of freelance trainers and coaches. I regularly sought out her sound advice and as a result grew professionally.” I think the key words or phrases I take as feedback are: * Empathic * People-oriented * Enabled me to do my job with confidence * Understanding * Clear and concise communication * Sought out her…advice and as a result grew professionally Other feedback reflected on how my leadership style enabled them to provide the highest quality. It was a pleasure for me to work with my team and go above and beyond, because beyond them knowing I had their back they had mine. They would go above and beyond for me and therefore for the company too. Being their leader helped me grow professionally and understand what an effective leader should be. I often miss that job, despite a lot of the issues I faced in the role and within the company as a whole. That is what I now help other leaders find through my coaching: not a new management theory or another test to tell you what type of leader you are, but the courage to lead as yourself. Everyone tells leaders to put their people first. That is not quite what I am saying. I am saying your people are the work. They are what the company runs on. When they feel safe, valued and respected by someone who presents themselves as a real human being rather than a management role, everything else falls into place: the quality, the effort, the loyalty, the results. Ask yourself one question: do the people on your team feel safe enough to admit a mistake, ask for help, or push back on a decision? If the answer is no, that is where to start. If you are stepping into a leadership role or want to work on your leaderhip style, I provide one-to-one Leadership and professional skills coaching [https://www.persefonecoaching.com/book-online]. PersefoneCoaching is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit persefonecoaching.substack.com/subscribe [https://persefonecoaching.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in, so you adapt depending on who you’re with?

I grew up feeling slightly outside of things. Even as a kid, we moved around a lot, so I was always the new one, new school, new friends, new area, trying to pick up how people spoke, what they did, what was “normal” there. My parents are Scottish, so I had a Scottish accent when I was younger. When we moved to England, I became very aware, that how you speak affects how people see you. We were working class, my mum was a single parent, and I understood that a strong accent could close doors, especially in interviews or anything formal. So I changed how I spoke. I made it more neutral, less easy to label. I’ve always hated being put into a box. My background is mixed, my experience is mixed, and it never lined up neatly. I was told I was Scottish, but then called a “Sassenach” if I didn’t fully get something culturally. There was this pressure to fit somewhere, to belong somewhere, and I never really felt that I did. Moving around made it more obvious. When you’re new, people see you as different straight away. You’re not one of them, you’re the outsider. That in-group, out-group thing follows you without anyone needing to say it out loud. After university, I worked in a mortgage company. I remember sitting on the bus home, looking at rows of identical houses, people cleaning their cars, doing what looked like the standard version of life. Earn, buy, upgrade, compare. That whole “keep up with the Joneses” mindset. And I remember thinking, I don’t want that. It felt narrow, like there was only one script and you were expected to follow it. I also never wanted children. I tried to understand it, spoke to people about it, but I didn’t feel it. And that made me question myself, because everyone around me seemed to want the same things, marriage, kids, a conventional purpose. When you don’t want that, you start to wonder if something’s wrong with you. Then I moved to Spain, Hungary, and finally Italy. Living in different countries gave me distance. I could start to see what was actually me, and what I’d just absorbed from wherever I happened to be at the time. I could take what felt right and leave what didn’t. It helped me separate myself from everything around me. So in one way, I feel lucky. I got to understand who I am outside of social conditioning. But there’s another side to it. When you never fully belong anywhere, you get used to being on the outside. In Spain, I made a big effort to fit in. I watched the same programmes, learned the references, tried to get the humour so I could feel included. In Italy, I didn’t push that as much. I focused more on politics, institutions, observing how things worked. By that point, I’d mixed so many influences that it became obvious, I’m not going to fully fit anywhere. And I think I had been moving, at least partly, looking for that feeling of home. But each move added another layer, and ironically, took me further from it. Living as an outsider is hard, but it also gives you something. You see things other people don’t question. You ask what does this mean, does this even make sense? That links to authenticity. There’s always been a pull between being myself and being acceptable. I don’t like giving neat answers about where I’m from, because they’re not true. But people want simple categories. And when you don’t give them that, it can make them uncomfortable. My half-sister once asked why I couldn’t just give a straightforward answer. But to me, that feels like lying. I value being real too much. At the same time, professionally, you have to adapt. You filter, you adjust, you play the game enough to move forward. So you’re constantly managing that gap between what’s true and what works. When I started working on emotional intelligence, I got good at controlling my reactions. Staying calm, explaining things clearly, dealing with toxic people without getting provoked. More recently, I realised I’d gone too far with that. In controlling everything, I was holding myself back as well. I am a passionate person, and sometimes that needs to come out. When I started allowing that again, even in a light or playful way, it felt like pressure being released. It felt more like me. So now it comes down to balance. How do you stay real, expressive, emotional, and still use your communication skills properly? How do you not lose one side while using the other? Sometimes I don’t want to analyse or filter anything. I just want to react. To be unfiltered for a moment. I’m caught in a constant balancing act: Being myself versus being accepted. Belonging versus being on the outside. Using skill versus just being. Which is why I need spaces where I don’t have to hold back. Where I can just say what I think, as it comes, without adjusting it first. If you see yourself in my story then get in touch. These are exactly the type of issues I like do help people with in my coaching practice. Some questions to think about: Where in your life are you adapting so much that you are starting to lose yourself? Are you following societies values to fit in or be acceptable, or your own? What would happen if you were more true to yourself? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit persefonecoaching.substack.com/subscribe [https://persefonecoaching.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_2]

Building Emotional Regulation Skills For Keeping Calm During Difficult Conversations

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit persefonecoaching.substack.com [https://persefonecoaching.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_7] Daily Practices That Build Emotional Resilience Include regular self-reflection about your emotional patterns and triggers. Spend a few minutes each day thinking about interactions that went well or poorly, and what you might learn from them. This helps you recognise patterns and develop more effective responses over time. Mindfulness helps you develop the ability to observe your thoughts and emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Even just ten minutes of daily meditation can significantly improve your ability to pause and choose your responses rather than reacting automatically to triggers. Why this works: Regular meditation practice literally changes your brain structure. It strengthens the prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational decision-making) and reduces activity in the amygdala (your brain’s alarm system). This means you become better at noticing emotions without immediately acting on them. The gap between feeling and reacting widens, giving you space to choose your response. Practical application: Start with just five minutes each morning. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. When thoughts arise (and they will), simply notice them without judgement and return your attention to your breath. Use an app like Headspace or Insight Timer if you find guided sessions helpful. Naming Emotions: Notice when you feel a strong emotion during the day. Stop for ten seconds and name it silently: ‘This is frustration’ or ‘This is anxiety.’ This small act of recognition creates crucial distance between you and the emotion. Why naming emotions works: Neuroscience research shows that labelling an emotion reduces its intensity. The act of putting feelings into words activates the prefrontal cortex and dampens the amygdala’s response. You’re essentially moving the experience from your reactive emotional brain to your thinking brain, which makes it more manageable. Physical Exercise Physical exercise is crucial for stress management because it helps you process and discharge the tension that builds up when we discuss difficult topics. Exercise quite literally helps regulate cortisol levels and releases endorphins, making you less likely to feel overwhelmed. Why this works: When you’re stressed or anxious, your body is flooded with stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline) that prepare you for physical action. However, in modern conversations, you can’t run away or fight, so these hormones remain in your system, making you feel agitated and reactive. Exercise metabolises these stress hormones, literally burning them off. It also increases endorphins and serotonin, which improve mood and emotional stability. Regular exercise also improves your vagal tone (your parasympathetic nervous system’s ability to calm you down), making you more resilient to stress overall. Practical application: Schedule 20-30 minutes of movement daily. This needn’t be intensive gym sessions. A brisk walk, swimming, yoga, or even vigorous housework counts. The key is regularity rather than intensity. Before an anticipated difficult conversation, consider going for a 15-minute walk. The physical movement helps discharge nervous energy and the change of scenery often brings clearer perspective. Discussing Practice Scenarios with Trusted Friends Rehearse challenging conversations in a safe environment. You can role-play difficult discussions, practise de-escalation techniques, and get feedback on your approach before facing real high-stakes conversations. Why this works: Practice in a low-stakes environment creates muscle memory for difficult moments. When you rehearse responses, you’re building neural pathways that make those responses more automatic under stress. Your brain doesn’t fully distinguish between practice and reality, so rehearsal actually prepares you neurologically for the real situation. Additionally, receiving feedback helps you identify blind spots (defensive tone, dismissive language, unclear explanations) that you can’t easily spot in yourself during real conversations. Practical application: Ask a trusted friend or colleague: ‘Would you help me practise a difficult conversation I need to have? You play the other person, and I’ll try different approaches.’ Give them specific phrases or attitudes the other person might use. Afterwards, ask: ‘When did I sound defensive?’ or ‘Which approach felt most constructive?’ Record yourself (audio on your phone) during these practice sessions. Listen back and notice your tone, pace, and word choices. You’ll often hear things you weren’t aware of in the moment. Before Important Conversations: Visualise Visualise the discussion going well. Imagine yourself staying calm and expressing yourself clearly by preparing your mind for success. Why this works: Mental rehearsal activates the same brain regions as actual experience. Athletes use this technique extensively because it works: visualising success creates neural patterns that make successful performance more likely. When you visualise staying calm, your brain practises the neural firing patterns associated with calm behaviour. This makes those patterns more accessible when you need them. Visualisation also reduces anxiety because your brain interprets the imagined successful conversation as evidence that you can handle the situation, which reduces the threat response. Practical application: Ten minutes before the conversation, find a quiet spot. Close your eyes and mentally walk through the discussion. Picture yourself speaking calmly, listening attentively, and handling moments of tension with grace. Visualise specific scenarios: ‘If they raise their voice, I’ll lower mine. If they interrupt, I’ll pause and wait.’ This mental rehearsal creates neural pathways that make calm responses more accessible in the actual moment. Notice what physical sensations arise during this visualisation. Tight shoulders? Clenched jaw? Consciously release this tension whilst visualising. This trains your body to stay relaxed during the real conversation. Identify Your Primary Goals What are you trying to achieve in this conversation? Are you trying to understand their perspective? Share information? Find common ground? Solve a specific problem? Clear goals help you stay focused when emotions run high. Why this works: When emotions escalate, your thinking narrows and becomes reactive. You lose sight of what you’re actually trying to achieve and start responding to each provocation in the moment. Having clear, written goals acts as an anchor. It gives your rational brain something concrete to hold onto when your emotional brain is activated. Goals also help you distinguish between what matters (achieving understanding) and what doesn’t (winning each point). This prevents you from getting sidetracked into unproductive arguments about tangential issues. Practical application: Write down your top three goals on a notecard you can glance at during the conversation: * Understand why they’re concerned about the deadline * Explain my constraints clearly * Find a compromise we can both accept Beneath these, write one sentence: ‘Success means we both feel heard, even if we don’t fully agree.’ Keep this notecard visible during the conversation. When you feel yourself becoming reactive, glance at it to refocus. Consider the Other Person’s Concerns and Motivations What emotional needs, potentially unvoiced values, are driving their position? Real disagreements are rarely just about surface facts. People might be arguing about a decision whilst the actual issue is feeling overlooked or undervalued. What experiences might have shaped their views? Considering these questions helps you respond to their actual concerns rather than arguing against positions they don’t actually hold. Why this works: Most conflicts persist because people are addressing different issues without realising it. One person argues about the practical solution whilst the other is actually upset about not being consulted. When you consider underlying motivations, you’re more likely to address the real issue, which makes resolution possible. Additionally, this perspective-taking activates empathy circuits in your brain, which reduces your own defensiveness and makes you less likely to interpret their behaviour as a personal attack. Understanding someone’s perspective doesn’t require agreeing with them, but it does make productive dialogue possible. Practical application: Create two columns on paper. Left side: ‘What they’re saying.’ Right side: ‘What they might need or fear.’ For example: * What they’re saying: ‘This deadline is unrealistic’ * What they might need: Recognition of their workload, reassurance they won’t be blamed if it’s late, involvement in planning Before the conversation, spend five minutes genuinely trying to inhabit their perspective. Ask yourself: ‘If I were in their position, with their responsibilities and pressures, how would I feel about this?’ This isn’t about agreeing with them, but about understanding where they’re coming from. During the conversation, test your understanding: ‘It sounds like you’re concerned about X. Is that right?’ This shows you’re listening for their underlying needs, not just their stated position. Plan Specific Phrases for Difficult Moments Prepare language you can use when you feel triggered, when you need to de-escalate, or when you want to refocus the conversation. Having these phrases ready prevents you from having to think of appropriate responses in emotionally charged moments when your thinking might not be at its clearest. Why this works: Under stress, your brain’s executive function (planning, decision-making, choosing words) becomes impaired. You literally have less access to your full vocabulary and reasoning ability. This is why people often say things they regret in heated moments, then later think ‘Why didn’t I just say X?’ Pre-prepared phrases bypass this problem. They’re already in your verbal memory, so you can access them even when your thinking is compromised. They also prevent you from filling the space with reactive comments that escalate tension. Practical application: Write these phrases on your notecard: When you feel triggered: * ‘I need a moment to think about that properly’ * ‘That’s touched a nerve for me. Let me gather my thoughts’ * ‘I can feel myself getting defensive, which isn’t helpful. Give me a second’ When you need to de-escalate: * ‘I don’t think either of us is trying to make this difficult’ * ‘We clearly both care about getting this right’ * ‘I think we might be talking past each other. Can we start again?’ When you want to refocus: * ‘Let’s come back to what we’re actually trying to achieve here’ * ‘What would a good outcome look like for you?’ * ‘Are we still talking about [original issue] or have we moved to something else?’ When you need clarification: * ‘I want to make sure I understand. Are you saying...?’ * ‘Help me understand what concerns you most about this’ * ‘What would need to change for this to work for you?’ When you need to acknowledge without agreeing: * ‘I can see why you’d feel that way’ * ‘That’s clearly important to you’ * ‘I hear that you’re frustrated’ Practise saying these phrases out loud beforehand. They need to feel natural in your mouth, not like you’re reading from a script. The more you practise, the more readily they’ll come when you need them.

De-escalation in Conversation: Understanding the Techniques

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit persefonecoaching.substack.com [https://persefonecoaching.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_7] Slowing Down: The Power of Pace The Technique: Deliberately slow down the pace of conversation. Take longer pauses between exchanges. Speak more slowly and give people time to finish their thoughts completely. Why This Works: When emotions run high, our nervous system shifts into a heightened state. Speech quickens, we interrupt more, and jump between topics without resolution. By slowing the pace, you’re working directly against this physiological response. Fast conversation forces fast thinking, and fast thinking under emotional pressure usually means reactive thinking. Slowing down gives everyone’s prefrontal cortex (responsible for reasoning) a chance to catch up with their amygdala (the emotional centre responding to perceived threats). The pauses are particularly important. Silence creates space for reflection rather than reaction. People often use those moments to reconsider what they’ve just said or heard, and that reconsideration is where understanding begins. Lowering Your Voice: The Mirroring Effect The Technique: Rather than matching or escalating volume, deliberately lower yours. Speak more quietly and maintain a calm tone. Why This Works: Humans unconsciously mirror each other’s behaviour. When someone speaks loudly, our natural inclination is to match that volume. But this mirroring works in both directions. By lowering your voice, you’re inviting the other person to mirror a calmer state. Most people will unconsciously follow your lead. It’s remarkably difficult to maintain a shout when the person you’re speaking with is talking quietly. There’s also a practical element: when you lower your voice, the other person has to listen more carefully to hear you. This act of listening, even if it begins purely out of necessity, often shifts them from broadcasting mode into receiving mode.