The Quiet Breakup

The Quiet Breakup

Episode Description: I watched the film Gaslight for the first time last night. And it was hard — not just as a movie, but as a mirror. I didn’t learn the term gaslighting until about five years ago. Before that, I just called it what it was: lying and manipulation. Once I saw the film, the term made more sense — but I still prefer the word perspecticide: the murder of someone’s perspective. That’s what gaslighting actually is, and I think we should call it what it is. This episode is about something I’ve been thinking about for a long time: how to end relationships with difficult, manipulative people without giving them another opportunity to use your words against you. I call it the quiet breakup. In this episode I share two specific stories from my own life — two newer friendships where I started to recognize the familiar patterns I’d spent decades untangling from more significant relationships. The red flags. The boundary crossings. The moment I realized I was in it again. And what I did differently this time. We go into: The human magnet syndrome — why certain people seem to magnetically attract difficult, manipulative personalities, and what’s actually at the root of it. Ross Rosenberg’s work on this is worth looking into if this resonates with you. Why talking doesn’t work with this personality type. Every time I tried to address a boundary crossing diplomatically with a difficult person, I ended up apologizing for it. Understanding why that happens is part of the healing. What my therapist taught me that changed everything: learning to be okay with not understanding why someone does what they do. Sometimes not understanding is a gift. The three-strikes rule — and why I stopped making exceptions after the first red flag. The specific strategy I used in both situations: emotionally neutral, dignified, no door left open for manipulation. What that looked and felt like in practice. How hard it actually was, and why I did it anyway. Why the less you say to a difficult person, the better off you are. And why opening a conversation — even a compassionate, well-intentioned one — is an invitation for the chaos to start again. This episode is paired with two Substack articles from this week: one on managing chronic sinus conditions as a singer, and one on PTSD symptoms and how I’ve learned to build a life I’m genuinely proud of despite them. Links in the description. Leave a comment: Have you ever done a quiet breakup? Have you tried confronting a difficult person and had it backfire? I’d love to hear your experience — and which approach you think works better. Links: * Voice journaling YouTube video: * Sinus article on Substack: www.thehealthyvoicewrites.com [https://rawveganbella.substack.com/p/9-things-that-have-actually-helped] * PTSD article on Substack: www.thehealthyvoicewrites.com [https://rawveganbella.substack.com/p/what-has-actually-helped-my-ptsd] * Join The Healthy Voice Community: https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page] * Voice Liberation Method ($97): https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083 [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083] * Vocal Recess archive: https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page] * Book a private session: https://calendly.com/hello-bellapayne/75 [https://calendly.com/hello-bellapayne/75] * Free Guide to Healing Trauma Through the Voice: https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide [https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide] Keep going — because the world desperately needs your unique voice. The Healthy Voice Writes is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Healthy Voice Writes at rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe [https://rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Social Anxiety and the Voice — How Humming Changes Everything

Watch the video that inspired this podcast HERE [https://youtu.be/p4O_M1-1J9A]. Episode Description: I was ready to admit I had social anxiety at twenty-eight. Not because it started then — it had been there a long time. But I had a performance background, and I had learned how to channel the character of someone who was completely comfortable at parties. I was a good actor. So good that when I ever tried to hint that something was wrong, people looked at me like I was crazy. You’re the most together person I know, they’d say. Which made me feel worse — because then I felt like a fraud on top of everything else. This episode is about social anxiety, the voice, and why I think the voice is actually one of the most direct tools we have for changing the fear response in real time. We go into: The primitive root of social anxiety — why the fear is not irrational, and how it connects to an ancient survival mechanism that the nervous system has never updated. If the tribe kicks you out, you die. That’s what your nervous system believes every time you walk into a room full of people. Upspeak — why ending your sentences with a rising inflection is not a generational habit. It is an unconscious appeasement signal. And why, with certain people, it backfires badly. The vagus nerve explained in plain language — no jargon, no clinical terminology. Just: here is the highway that connects your brain, your throat, your lungs, your heart, and your gut. And here is what happens to every part of that highway when the fear response gets triggered. Why you cannot think your way out of a fear response — and why meditation, yoga, talk therapy, and visualization, as valuable as they are, will not help you in the middle of one. The humming practice — the simplest, most portable, most immediately effective tool I know for interrupting a fear response in real time. You can do it in the car on the way to the party. You can do it in the elevator. You can do it at the Zoom meeting. Nobody has to know. And how sovereignty — the development of a real sense of self and authentic expression — is ultimately what starves the anxiety of what it feeds on. This episode pairs with my latest YouTube video, which includes a toning and visualization exercise you can do before social situations. Go watch it after you listen. Links mentioned: * YouTube toning and visualization exercise: * Join The Healthy Voice Community: https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page] * Voice Liberation Method ($97): https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083 [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083] * Free Voice Map Guide: https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide [https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide] Leave a comment: How does social anxiety show up in your voice? I want to know what you notice first — the throat, the breath, the pitch, the freeze. Tell me in the comments. Subscribe and share if this landed somewhere real. The Healthy Voice Writes is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Healthy Voice Writes at rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe [https://rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

You Were Groomed to Second Guess Yourself

This one has been sitting with me for a while. After seven months of coaching — six clients a week, hundreds of community interactions, thousands of YouTube comments — I started noticing a pattern. A lot of the people coming to me had not just one of these experiences. They had all three. A narcissistic family system. An abusive relationship. And at some point — a cult, or something very close to one. If that’s you, you already know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. And this episode is for you. I talk about what coercive control actually is — not physical violence, but the slower, more insidious manipulation that gets you to consent to things that go against your own interests. The afterlife as a fear tactic. The silent treatment as a tool. The moment I sat at a table with shaking hands eating salmon while someone I feared smiled across from me. I talk about cult psychology and why it mirrors narcissistic family systems almost exactly. About why people who grew up in controlling homes are more susceptible — not because they’re weak, but because they were trained. Trained to second guess themselves. Trained to ignore their intuition. Trained to use logic and pros and cons lists while their body was screaming the answer the whole time. I talk about my own experience with a Kundalini yoga studio that set my cult radar off from day one — and how I navigated it anyway with boundaries intact. And I talk about the book that changed how I understood intuition — Her Wits About Her — and why every woman in it said the same thing: something in my gut told me not to go there. Your intuition is your voice. And your physical voice is the fastest way back to it. 🎙️ Join The Healthy Voice Community → https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page] 📖 Voice Liberation Method → https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083 [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083] 📬 Free Vocal Guide → https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide [https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide] ✍️ Substack → www.thehealthyvoicewrites.com [http://www.thehealthyvoicewrites.com] TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Exploring the Concept of Cults 09:48 The Psychology of Coercive Control 20:06 Personal Experiences with Coercive Control 30:09 Navigating Spiritual and Social Communities In this episode: * Why cult psychology mirrors narcissistic family systems and abusive relationships * What coercive control actually is — and how it works without physical violence * The afterlife as a fear tactic — and why it works * The silent treatment as a form of coercion * A personal story about sacrificing a core value to appease a controlling partner * Why people who grew up in abusive family systems are more vulnerable to cults * The decision paralysis and overthinking that comes from growing up in volatile homes * How to engage with spiritual communities without surrendering your sovereignty * The book Her Wits About Her and what every survivor said about intuition * How your physical voice is the fastest path back to your intuition The Healthy Voice Writes is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. cults and trauma | coercive control | narcissistic family system | why people join cults | cult psychology | trauma and decision making | intuition and trauma | voice and intuition | abusive relationships recovery | trauma informed voice | why your voice went silent | Bella Payne | healthy voice podcast | sovereignty and healing | gaslighting recovery Get full access to The Healthy Voice Writes at rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe [https://rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Words as Spells — And Why I Won’t Correct Yours

Episode Description: I recorded this one directly in Substack — first time trying it, bear with me — and it turned into something I didn’t plan on. It started as a quick update. Two launches this week. A week where I had to cancel sessions and take care of myself. The first time since starting my channel that I didn’t post a YouTube video. And then it turned into a twenty-minute rabbit hole on the English language. Which, honestly, is exactly how my brain works. In this episode: The two launches: Vocal Recess is now available as a standalone purchase outside the community — seven weeks of play-based voice lessons including Romancing the Voice, Once Upon a Voice, a Shel Silverstein week, a punk rock week, and more. And THE FIFTH is now available as a standalone subscription for $5.99 a month, with four back issues included when you sign up. The Word Police article — and why correcting other people’s language, even with the best intentions, is a form of coercion. I’ve done it myself. I know how it lands. It doesn’t work, and it’s not as virtuous as it feels. The hidden history of English — and here I go deep. Queen Elizabeth I. Her court astrologer John Dee. The theory that English was designed to be the language of the angels — and possibly also designed to manipulate. The homophonic meanings hiding in plain sight: good morning as good mourning. The days of the week as the daze of the weak. Awake as a service for the dead. Raised, traced back to the antebellum South, meaning razed — burned to the ground to be rebuilt. I’ve been studying etymology obsessively for several years. I have a homophone dictionary. I spend time on Etymology Online following puns back to the Middle Ages. And what I keep finding is disturbing and fascinating in equal measure. The conclusion I’ve landed on: intention matters more than perfect pitch. Be discerning. Study your own language. But don’t stop someone mid-sentence to correct their vocabulary. That’s not wisdom. That’s exhausting for everyone, including you. Plus: Courage Circle update — ten people signed up to share their voices tomorrow. Which is exactly what this whole thing is for. Links mentioned: * Vocal Recess standalone — 7 weeks of play-based voice lessons: COMING SOON! * Subscribe to THE FIFTH — $5.99/month, 4 back issues included: https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/thefifthsub [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/thefifthsub] * Join The Healthy Voice Community: https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page] * Voice Liberation Method ($97): https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083 [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083] * Book a private session: https://calendly.com/hello-bellapayne/75 [https://calendly.com/hello-bellapayne/75] * Free Voice Guide: https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide [https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide] * Get 5% off harmoniums, sitars, shruti boxes, and tanpuras. https://olddelhimusic.com/collections/harmonium [https://olddelhimusic.com/collections/harmonium] Leave a comment: Are you someone who polices language — your own or other people’s? Have you ever noticed a word that disturbed you once you learned its history? I want to know. Subscribe and share if you made it to the end — it helps more people find their way here. Get full access to The Healthy Voice Writes at rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe [https://rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Anger Is Shame's Bodyguard

I recorded this one on a busy Friday in the middle of a family week — a college graduation, not enough hours, too many thoughts to let go. This week I put out a video on shame and the hips. The psoas muscle. The root and sacral chakras. And it went somewhere I didn’t expect — 54,000 views in 24 hours. Which told me something important: this is a topic people are starving to talk about and have never been given language for. I started this episode with a phrase I heard recently that stopped me cold. Anger is shame’s bodyguard. From there I went somewhere I wasn’t planning to go: the trolls. I’ve noticed something fascinating about the difference between the comment sections on my throat release videos versus the shame video. The throat videos brought out the perverts. Expected. Handled. No big deal. The shame video brought out something else entirely: rage. Profanity. The specific flavor of anger that belongs to someone whose shame just got poked — and who doesn’t know what to do with it except aim it outward. It was a live psychology study. And it told me exactly what I needed to know about who needs this work most — and why they’re the least likely to do it. In this episode: * What the psoas muscle has to do with shame — and why 54,000 people recognized it in their own bodies * The difference between the trolls who showed up on the throat videos versus the shame video — and what that difference reveals * Why talking about trauma and healing attracts both the courageous and the enraged * How shadow work changed the way I relate to ugly comments — and what would have happened to me three years ago if I’d seen them * Why pity, not attention, is the right response to the people who try to shame you for healing * And the lesson I keep learning: don’t sacrifice the work that’s helping hundreds of people to relieve the discomfort of the handful who are threatened by it Links mentioned: * Watch the shame and hips video: https://youtube.com/@thehealthyvoice [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJu5TKmPaag&lc=UgyIJUXWQnv007cb8Fx4AaABAg] * Join The Healthy Voice Community: https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page] * Voice Liberation Method ($97): https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083 [https://the-healthy-voice-community.circle.so/untitled-page-1-e9c083] * Book a private session: https://calendly.com/hello-bellapayne/75 [https://calendly.com/hello-bellapayne/75] * Free Voice Map Guide: https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide [https://bella-payne.kit.com/freeguide] Subscribe and leave a review — it helps more people find their way here. The Healthy Voice Writes is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Healthy Voice Writes at rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe [https://rawveganbella.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]