Fear, Fatigue & the Caregiver Identity

The Weathering of Black Women in America

In this episode of the Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White and Calvalyn Day get real about weathering, a discussion that is perfect for Minority Mental Health Month. They break down where the term comes from (public health researcher Dr. Arline Geronimus's 1990s research), what allostatic load actually means for your body, and why migraines, gut issues, autoimmune flare-ups, and the specific exhaustion of code-switching might be your body keeping score. This episode speaks to the high-achieving woman who is tired in a way rest doesn't touch, the one everyone calls the strong one, and the one who's been told her whole life to push through. Elizabeth and Calvalyn's core message: you don't have to shrink your ambition to protect your body — you have to stop carrying it alone. Stay Connected! Instagram Elizabeth — https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz [https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn — https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en [https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en] TikTok Elizabeth — https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz [https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn — https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday [https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday]   LinkedIn Calvalyn — https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/] Elizabeth — https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/]   Key Takeaways •       You are not exempt from weathering just because you've made it — income and education don't protect your body from cumulative stress. •       Migraines, gut issues, and autoimmune flare-ups can be your body's way of telling you it's weathering. •       Code-switching fatigue is real. Being tired of performing is different from being tired of doing. •       One hour of self-care can't undo 167 hours of structural stress — soothing and addressing are not the same thing. •       Build a full care team: a doctor who truly sees you, a therapist, and a life coach. •       If your doctor says they “don't see color,” that's a red flag, not a compliment. •       You don't have to eliminate stress to protect your health — you get to choose which stress is worth carrying. •       Being “the strong one” doesn't mean you're not weathering. It just means no one's asking how you're doing. •       Advocacy, boundaries, and community are not optional extras — they're part of your actual health care. •       You can still be ambitious. This is about building the infrastructure to sustain your dreams, not shrinking them. Chapters 00:00  Welcome & Shenanigans 01:10  Why We're Talking About Weathering Now 02:26  Defining Weathering: The Research Behind the Word 05:36  Allostatic Load & the Cost Your Body Pays 08:34  Success Doesn't Make You Exempt 12:12  When Making It Still Isn't Protection 18:22  Signs You Might Be Weathering 21:30  The Exhaustion of Code-Switching 23:32  Why Bubble Baths Don't Fix Weathering 25:06  Soothing vs. Addressing 26:09  Advocacy, Boundaries & Your Care Team 26:54  Finding a Doctor Who Sees You 35:05  Sleep, High-Functioning Depression & Your Support Team 36:48  Redesigning Ambition Without the Cost 42:04  Your Weathering Action Plan   Keywords Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White, Calvalyn Day, weathering, weathering hypothesis, Arline Geronimus, allostatic load, Black women's health, minority mental health month, high-achieving Black women, code-switching, self-care, mental load, chronic stress, medical advocacy, therapy, life coaching, Black maternal health, ambition and health

Fear, Fatigue & the Caregiver Identity

In this episode of the Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White and Calvalyn Day dig into one of the most deeply rooted patterns affecting high-achieving women, and Black women in particular: the identity that forms when you spend a lifetime being everything to everyone else and very little to yourself. Calvalyn calls it the 92%ers topic. Buckle in.   Sparked by two viral videos, one from an elderly woman, talking about women who never learn to receive care, and another featuring Wall Street powerhouse Carla Harris in conversation with Mel Robbins about fear and fatigue as the two forces that keep Black women from reaching their full potential, Elizabeth and Calvalyn go deep into the science and the soul of it all. They explore how caregiving identity forms in childhood, how repeated patterns beat neural pathways in the brain, how the fear of being called lazy is a trauma response rooted in generational history, and why emotional excavation is the only way out.    This episode is for every woman who has held her pee so she could cross one more thing off her list, who always says 'I got it' when someone offers to help, or who has accomplished so much she's exhausted at the thought of going after the thing that she really wants. Elizabeth and Calvalyn close with a powerful challenge for every woman who is ready to love her life.    Resources Mentioned   Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome, Dr. Joy DeGruy https://amzn.to/4xvneC1 [https://amzn.to/4xvneC1]   Stay Connected!   Instagram Elizabeth, https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz [https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn, https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en [https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en]   TikTok Elizabeth, https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz [https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn, https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday [https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday]   LinkedIn Calvalyn, https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/] Elizabeth, https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/]   Chapters   00:00  Opening: The 92%ers Topic, Buckle In 00:52  Why This Episode Matters (and Why You Should Share It) 01:16  How an Episode Gets Born: TikTok Inboxes and Toe-Dipping 04:30  Video 1: Women Conditioned to Caregive from Birth 05:05  The Question: When Did You First Start Taking Care of Others? 06:55  Calvalyn's Story: Being an Auntie Before She Was Born 07:52  When Identity Forms Around What Others Need from You 08:25  If You've Ever Felt Like: Who Am I Without the People I Care For? 09:00  How Caregiving Patterns Show Up in Adult Relationships 10:22  Raising People Who Can Stand on Their Own 12:33  The Cultural Context: Adultifying Black Children 14:12  We Are Not Raising Children to Step Aside 15:26  Leila's School Project: A Lesson in Not Giving Up Your Seat 18:02  What We're Excavating Now Was Planted Then 19:00  Brain Science: How Repeated Patterns Become Your Operating System 21:54  When to Work with a Therapist or Coach 22:25  Video 2: Carla Harris on Fear and Fatigue for Black Women 24:25  Overqualified and Exhausted: The Cost of Getting Here 26:18  Fear Gets More Sophisticated as You Age, Elizabeth's Take 27:07  Where Do They Actually Want Us? A Real Conversation 28:46  Elizabeth's Childhood Memory: Swallowing Grief to Protect Her Dad 30:33  It Wasn't Wrong, But Look at the Meaning You Made from It 31:30  The L Word: How Fear of Being Called Lazy Is a Generational Wound 32:23  Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome and What We Passed Down 32:45  Elizabeth's Pee Story, and What It Actually Means 34:12  Saying 'I Got It' When Someone Offers to Help 35:25  What Would It Look Like to Actually Receive? 35:44  The Abundance Challenge: $21 and a Tag-In 37:46  The Pre-Work Question: Where Do You Feel Supported Right Now? 39:40  Train Your Brain to See More of What You Want 40:25  The Reticular Activating System and Why Gratitude Changes Everything 42:23  Gratitude and Desire Can Coexist, You Don't Have to Choose 43:47  You Don't Have to Be Old and Tired 44:14  Close: Love Your Life and the People in It

Choose Your Hard

In this episode of the Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White and Calvalyn Day get honest about the one conversation nobody wants to have...the cost of staying stuck. Life feels hard right now: gas prices, layoffs, uncertainty, a season that won’t quit. But Elizabeth and Calvalyn make a powerful case that hard is on both sides of the equation. It is hard to stay exactly where you are. It is hard to change. The question is: which hard are you willing to live with? Drawing on brain science, faith, personal stories, and real talk, Elizabeth and Calvalyn break down why your brain is wired to keep you in familiar discomfort, what self-betrayal and self-abandonment actually look like when you keep deferring your own life, and how staying stuck is not the safe route, it is just the familiar one.   This episode is for every woman who has put her dreams on a vision board, scripted it, visualized it, and still has not taken a single step. Elizabeth and Calvalyn remind their Love-You-to-Lifers that confidence comes from movement, clarity comes from movement, and the right time is not coming to save you.   Resources Mentioned: Mastering the Messy Middle Workshop [https://messymiddle.lovable.app] Check out The Well Counseling & Consulting Group [https://thewellcounselinggroup.com/]   Stay Connected!   Instagram Elizabeth — @lovinglifewithliz [https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn — @calvalyn [https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en]   TikTok Elizabeth — @lovinglifewithliz [https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn — @calvalynday [https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday]   LinkedIn Calvalyn Day [https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/] Elizabeth White, LMHC, LCAC [https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/]     Chapters 01:00  Why Things Feel Hard Right Now 02:00  Choose Your Hard: It’s Hard to Stay AND Hard to Change 04:30  Do You Know Who You Are? 06:30  Laughter Is Medicine: Why We Clown in Love You To Life Land 07:30  Elizabeth’s Story: The Speech Class That Almost Cost Her a Degree 09:00  What You Avoid Is Often Where Your Purpose Lives 10:00  Going All In: 10 Toes Down on the Hard Decision 12:30  Doing Hard Things Creates Neural Pathways 13:00  Your Brain’s One Job: Keep You Alive, Not Happy 14:00  Self-Betrayal and Self-Abandonment Nobody Talks About 14:30  Comparison, Resentment & Who Is Really the Problem 15:30  Dr. Cheyenne Bryant, Your Voice & What Happens When You Stay Silent 16:00  Staying Stuck Makes Discomfort Familiar 17:00  David Goggins, Pain & Why Success Does Not Have to Hurt 18:00  Getting Unstuck Looks Nothing Like the Movies 18:30  Calvalyn’s Story: The Quiet Moment She Decided to Get Divorced 19:30  The Messy Middle: What Happens Between the Decision and the Destination 20:00  You Don’t Have to Connect All the Dots Right Now 21:30  Clarity and Confidence Come from Movement, Not Waiting 22:00  Faith, the Unknown Hard & Choosing to Move Anyway 23:00  Vision Boards Won’t Work Without Micro Steps 24:00  Walk Around the Living Room. Take the Skin Off the Chicken. 25:00  Therapy, Certified Life Coaching & Support Groups 26:00  How to Find the Right Therapist (and Why 3–5 Sessions Is Fair) 27:00  Girl, You Just Wait — Elizabeth’s Self-Talk Strategy 29:00  Faith, Patience & What the Book Says About the Other Side 30:00  Get Clear on What the Other Side Could Look Like 32:00  Every Day You Don’t Choose, You’re Still Choosing 33:00  Areas Where Stuckness Hides: Marriage, Parenting, Business 35:00  Church, Cities, Careers & Giving Yourself Permission to Change 37:00  Calvalyn’s Career Pivot (and Her Fresh-Cut Bangs) 38:00  Where Are You Not Satisfied? Go Investigate. 39:00  Community Challenge: Tell Us the Hard Thing You Did   Keywords getting unstuck, choose your hard, doing hard things, fear of change, staying stuck, self-betrayal, self-abandonment, growth mindset, neural pathways, brain science and behavior, messy middle, comfort zone, moving forward, life transitions, Black women empowerment, high achievers, women and mental health, therapy for women, certified life coach, support community, vision board, micro steps, faith and action, fear of the unknown, love you to life podcast, Elizabeth White, Calvalyn Day, women doing hard things, stuck and scared, clarity comes from movement, right time is waiting on you

Maybe It's NOT Your Budget: Real Talk About Money

In this episode of the Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White and Calvalyn Day get real about the money conversations nobody wants to have, and why they are the ones you need most. Rather than another budget tip or expense-cutting checklist, Elizabeth and Calvalyn go beneath the strategies to uncover the money stories, money wounds, and money mindsets that are quietly running your financial life. Drawing on their combined expertise in emotional intelligence, coaching, and lived experience, the two explore how generational poverty cues (yes, including the grease can on the stove), childhood scarcity, and survival-mode thinking shape the way you earn, spend, save, and give money today, often without you even realizing it. They break down the four core money personality types, share vulnerable personal stories about overspending to feel worthy and being the “bank and backbone” for family members, and explain why financial freedom is not tied to a budget, it’s tied to what you are willing to face.   Elizabeth and Calvalyn also push back on shame-based financial advice and make the case that healing your money wounds must come before (or alongside) any money strategy. They speak directly to high-achieving Black and brown women who are overqualified, carrying the financial weight of their families, and still wondering why the app isn’t working. Spoiler: it’s a belief issue, a boundaries issue, and a worthiness issue long before it is a budgeting issue.   Resources Mentioned: Heal Your Relationship with Money by Kara Stevens [https://amzn.to/3PzzoZB]   Stay Connected! Instagram Elizabeth — @lovinglifewithliz [https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn — @calvalyn [https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en]   TikTok Elizabeth — @lovinglifewithliz [https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn — @calvalynday [https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday] LinkedIn Calvalyn Day [https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/] Elizabeth White, LMHC, LCAC [https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/]     Chapters 00:00  Introduction & Crowdsourcing a Theme Song 01:00  Why Money Conversations Are Nobody’s Favorite 02:30  Money Strategies Won’t Fix What You Won’t Face 04:00  Poverty Cues: Sermon, Grease Cans & Visual Abundance 09:00  Generational Poverty Starts in the Way You Live 11:00  Money Stories Are Planted by Age Four 12:30  The Four Money Personality Types 13:45  Elizabeth’s Story: Overspending to Feel Normal 14:30  Calvalyn’s Story: The Avoider Turned Overachiever 15:00  Opposites Attract: Money Trauma in Relationships 17:00  The Birthday Bag: Worthiness Without a New Purchase 17:45  Shame Is Always in the Room 19:00  Nobody Taught Us About Wealth & Abundance 21:00  Dave Ramsey, Shame-Based Advice & Why It Doesn’t Work for Us 23:30  Financial Freedom as Autonomy & Safety, Not Checkbox Compliance 25:00  Minimum Wage, the Economy & Systems Not Built for Us 26:30  Why Do I Believe What I Believe About Money? 27:15  Worthiness, Deserving, & the Cost of Self-Denial 29:00  Healing the Money Wound: It’s Biological, Emotional & Spiritual 30:00  Athletes, Bankruptcy & Unhealed Money Stories 31:30  Being the Bank & the Backbone for Your Family 33:30  High Achievers: Find Your Boundaries 35:30  Healing Must Happen Before (or With) the Strategy 37:00  Financial Freedom Is Tied to What You’re Willing to Face 37:45  Identify the Feeling You Want to Have About Your Money 39:00  Community Challenge: What Money Story Are You Ready to Let Go?   Keywords money mindset, money story, money wounds, financial freedom, generational wealth, generational poverty, money trauma, emotional intelligence, financial healing, high achievers, Black women and money, abundance mindset, scarcity mindset, overspending, money personality types, budget alternatives, financial boundaries, bank and backbone, worthiness and money, money beliefs, healing your finances, financial stress, poverty cues, Love You To Life Podcast, Elizabeth White, Calvalyn Day, wealth building for women, financial shame, money behaviors, expansive money conversations, financial wellbeing

The Mental Load and How to REALLY Enjoy Motherhood

Motherhood is a gift, but nobody talks about how hard it is to actually enjoy it. In this Mother's Day episode of the Love Your Life Podcast, Elizabeth White and Calvalyn Day get real about the mental load of motherhood, unrealistic expectations, and what it actually takes to experience joy as a mom. If you've ever felt like you don't always like your kids (even though you love them deeply), struggled with losing yourself in motherhood, or felt pressure to perform a version of motherhood that doesn't feel like you, this episode is for you. In this episode, we cover: ·       What the mental load of motherhood really looks like, and why it doesn't get enough conversation ·       How social media (Instagram, Pinterest) has created unrealistic standards for moms ·       Why introverted moms, neurodivergent moms, and anxious moms face unique challenges ·       How personality and temperament differences between mothers and children impact the relationship ·       The danger of other people's beliefs about motherhood shaping your experience ·       What it means to be intentional about your motherhood story ·       How to let go of "mom guilt" and give yourself permission to enjoy motherhood your way ·       Navigating Mother's Day when your experience doesn't look traditional — including infertility, childlessness, fostering, and single motherhood ·       Why it's okay to want alone time on Mother's Day (and how to ask for it) This episode is for you if you're: ·       A mom who loves her kids but sometimes doesn't love the experience of mothering ·       Struggling with unrealistic expectations of what motherhood "should" look like ·       A single mom, a married mom doing it alone, or a mom navigating infertility ·       Someone who wants to enjoy motherhood more intentionally   Stay Connected!  Instagram  Elizabeth https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz [https://www.instagram.com/lovinglifewithliz] Calvalyn https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en [https://www.instagram.com/calvalyn/?hl=en] TikTok  Elizabeth https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz [https://www.tiktok.com/@lovinglifewithliz]? Calvalyn https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday [https://www.tiktok.com/@calvalynday] LinkedIn  Calvalyn https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/calvalynday/] Elizabeth https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabeth-white-lmhc-lcac-board-certified-life-coach-34ba8734/] Chapters ·      00:00 The Reality of Motherhood ·      02:51 The Mental Load of Motherhood ·      05:51 Cultural Expectations and Motherhood ·      08:37 Asking for Help in Motherhood ·      19:41 The Art of Making Ham: A Family Tradition ·      20:47 Mom Guilt: Redefining Expectations ·      22:14 Outsourcing Motherhood: Embracing Help ·      23:57 Redefining the Mental Load of Motherhood ·      27:00 The Necessity of Resources in Motherhood ·      29:36 Finding Balance: Outsourcing and Delegating ·      32:20 Questioning Beliefs About Motherhood ·      35:24 Embracing the Messiness of Motherhood ·      39:03 Joyful Motherhood: Defining Your Experience ·      44:40 Creating Your Own Motherhood Narrative Keywords: mental load of motherhood, mom guilt, enjoying motherhood, motherhood and mental health, Black motherhood, honest conversations about parenting, introverted mom, neurodivergent parenting, single mom life, infertility and Mother's Day, motherhood expectations, childless on Mother's Day, motherhood identity, losing yourself in motherhood, parenting and personal growth, women's wellness podcast, life coaching for moms, Mother's Day podcast episode, love your life podcast