Baked Battlefields

Servius Tullius Triumphs Over the Etruscans (May 25, 567 BCE)

On May 25, 567 BCE, Roman tradition says Servius Tullius, the sixth king of Rome, celebrated a triumph over the Etruscans. But because this is early Roman history, the story comes wrapped in legend, propaganda, and some of the weirdest origin myths Rome ever produced. Before Rome was a republic, before it was an empire, it was a city-state trying to survive next to older, richer, scarier neighbors — and Servius’s victory over Etruscan enemies helped secure his rule and build the Roman memory of expansion. In this episode of Baked Battlefields, we break down the war with the Etruscans, what we can actually know from sources like Livy, Dionysius of Halicarnassus, and the Fasti Triumphales, and why a Roman triumph was never just a parade — it was politics with horses. Precise history. Imprecise sobriety. Rome’s origin story is paperwork and weird omens.

The Massacre of Worms (May 18, 1096)

In May 1096, before the First Crusade ever reached Jerusalem, crusading mobs turned on Jewish communities in the Rhineland. In this episode of Baked Battlefields, we cover the Massacre of Worms, where around 800 Jews were killed during one of the earliest and most devastating outbreaks of anti-Jewish violence connected to the First Crusade. The Jewish community of Worms was ancient, established, and protected in theory by local authorities — but when crusading zeal, debt, rumor, and antisemitism collided, protection collapsed. We talk about the People’s Crusade, Count Emicho, the Rhineland massacres, medieval conspiracy thinking, and why the First Crusade brought catastrophe to Jewish communities in Europe before many crusaders ever got anywhere near the Holy Land. Precise history. Imprecise sobriety. Mob violence is not strategy.

Assassination of the Swedish rebel Engelbrekt Engelbrektsson (May 4, 1436)

In 1436, Swedish rebel leader Engelbrekt Engelbrektsson was assassinated near Örebro after leading one of the most important uprisings in medieval Scandinavian history. What started as anger over taxes, trade disruption, and foreign officials under the Kalmar Union exploded into a national rebellion backed by miners, peasants, nobles, and townspeople. Engelbrekt became the face of resistance against Erik of Pomerania, helping crack the power of the union and reshape Swedish politics forever. In this episode of Baked Battlefields, we break down the rebellion, the politics, the murder, and how a mine-owning rebel from Bergslagen became one of Sweden’s national heroes. Along the way, we get a little high, crack some jokes about medieval Scandinavian politics, and remind ourselves that sometimes the people who lose power in life win the memory war after death. Precise history. Imprecise sobriety. Revolutions don’t stay clean.

Islamic Invasion of Hispania (April 27, 711)

In 711, a relatively small force crossed from North Africa into Europe — and within a few years, an entire kingdom collapsed. In this episode of Baked Battlefields, we break down the Islamic conquest of Hispania, beginning with the landing at Gibraltar by Tariq ibn Ziyad and culminating in the decisive Battle of Guadalete. Facing a larger but divided Visigothic force under Roderic, Tariq’s army capitalized on internal fractures that caused the Visigothic army to collapse from within. We talk strategy, leadership failures, internal division, and how one battle didn’t just decide a fight — it ended a kingdom and created Al-Andalus, reshaping the history of Spain and Europe for centuries. Precise history. Imprecise sobriety. Kingdoms fall from the inside.

Jerusalem Civil War Comes to an End (April 20, 1152)

In 1152, the Kingdom of Jerusalem wasn’t fighting an external enemy — it was fighting itself. In this episode of Baked Battlefields, we break down how Baldwin III marched on his own capital to take full control from his mother, Melisende, after years of shared rule turned into a power struggle. The conflict ended with a tense siege inside Jerusalem itself, as Baldwin forced his way into the city and surrounded the Tower of David. We talk medieval politics, divided loyalties, why kingdoms fracture from within, and how this moment stabilized the Crusader state just in time for the larger conflicts that were coming. Along the way, we get a little high, crack some jokes about medieval family drama, and remind ourselves that sometimes the most dangerous wars aren’t against enemies — they’re against your own side. Precise history. Imprecise sobriety. Family politics… but with armies.