TOP SELF | Tips on Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships

Still in Your Jealousy Hangover? Try This. EP 136

You messed up. You spiraled. You said something you wish you could take back. And now you feel terrible — which actually means you're doing something right. Feeling bad after a jealous episode is healthy. It means you care. But there's a difference between feeling bad and living there. And if you're someone who stays in the spiral for hours, days, or even weeks after a jealous episode — replaying it, shutting down, telling yourself you're broken and unlovable — this episode is for you. Because here's what that extended spiral is actually costing you. It's not just making you miserable. It's reinforcing the belief that jealousy is who you are. It's keeping the incident alive in your relationship long after it should be over. And it's exhausting your partner in ways you might not even realize. Today Shanenn introduces the Pity Timer — a simple, deliberate tool for feeling your feelings fully without letting them swallow the next three days of your life. This isn't about stuffing it down or pretending it didn't happen. It's about giving your guilt its time, and then making a choice to move forward. In this episode: Why staying in the spiral actually reinforces jealous behavior What your partner experiences when you're still "off" days later Why moving on fast doesn't mean you don't care How to use the Pity Timer to actually close the loop What to do when the spiral tries to come back 00:00 Stop Letting the Spiral Run Your Life 02:14 How the Spiral Builds a Case Against You 05:19 How Your Guilt Is Hurting Your Partner 08:01 Why You Can't Just Stop Feeling Bad 10:29 How to Use the Pity Timer 13:02 What to Do During the Window 14:37 When the Timer Goes Off Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Still Mad. Still Wrong. Here's Why. EP 135

You knew you were wrong the second he flipped that phone around. Nothing suspicious. Just a bacon recipe. And somehow you were still annoyed at him. That feeling has a name — and once you understand it, you can’t unsee it. You’ve done the spiral. You built the whole case in your head. And then the truth came out and it was… a bacon recipe. You know you were wrong. They know you were wrong. And somehow you’re still a little irritated at them. This episode is about that moment — the one most people blow right past. Shanenn breaks down the shame-anger switch, why relief doesn’t always show up when it should, and how to actually recover without making it worse. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Your jealous brain doesn’t file ambiguity as neutral — it skips straight to the most threatening interpretation 💎 Relief doesn’t always show up when you’re proven wrong — sometimes you get a stomach drop instead 💎 Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Those lead to very different places. 💎 That flicker of anger toward your innocent partner? It’s shame looking for an exit — not really about them at all 💎 A real apology doesn’t need a “because” attached to it Resources Mentioned: 30 Days to Different — Shanenn’s program for breaking jealousy and insecurity patterns Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You're Already Living Worst Case Scenario EP 134

You’re Already Living the Worst Case Scenario What if the thing you’re most afraid of happening would actually hurt less than what you’re putting yourself through right now? It sounds hard to believe—but there’s real research behind it.  In this solo episode, Shanenn digs into why the jealous spiral itself is the worst-case scenario—not the thing you’re afraid of. You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You’re already in it.  From Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert’s Impact Bias to the neuroscience of naming your fear, this episode is packed with science-backed insight and a simple 3-step tool (the Fog Lift) to help you stop the loop. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎    You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it. 💎    Vague fear gives you all the pain and none of the tools your brain would normally use to deal with it. 💎    The psychological immune system only activates for real events—the spiral has no off-ramp. 💎    Naming your specific fear literally shifts brain activity from reactive to regulated. 💎    The spiral has no arc, no end. It takes exactly as much as you give it. 💎    It’s all the cost and none of the outcome. Resources Mentioned: ·       Matthew Lieberman’s UCLA research – “Name it to tame it” (affect labeling and the amygdala) ·       Dan Siegel – Clinical professor at UCLA, coined “name it to tame it” ·       Top Self on YouTube – Subscribe and watch the show there   Quote of the Episode: “You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it.” – Shanenn Bryant Leave a Review: 📝 Have you ever realized the spiral was costing you more than the thing you were afraid of? Leave a review and tell us - what’s one thing that shifted for you after listening? Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

What If Your "What Ifs" Were Wrong EP 133

You know that voice in your head—the one that takes a missed text or a sideways glance and turns it into a full-blown crisis? That's your What If Machine, and it's been running the show for way too long. In this episode, Shanenn breaks down why your brain defaults to worst-case scenarios, where those fear stories actually come from (spoiler: it's usually not your current partner), and how those protective instincts end up creating the exact outcome you're terrified of. She also walks you through a 5-step Evidence Check framework you can use the next time your brain tries to convince you that everything is falling apart—so you can figure out if you're dealing with a real red flag or just old fear wearing a new outfit. Golden Nuggets: 💡 Your brain's What If Machine isn't trying to ruin your relationship—it's running a protection program written long before this relationship existed. 💡 Vague fear is the most powerful kind. Once you name it, it gets smaller. 💡 In the absence of clear evidence, you're choosing an explanation—and if you consistently choose the scariest one, that's not logic, that's fear driving. 💡 Preparing for the worst doesn't protect you from the pain. It just means you experience the loss twice. 💡 Sometimes the What If Machine isn't protecting you from your partner—it's protecting you from hope. Resources Mentioned: * Episode 8 – Ashley Greer: Is This My Fear or Intuition? * The Power of ONE (Open to New Evidence/Explanations) * The 5-Step Evidence Check Framework Quote of the Episode: "Sometimes the scariest thing isn't the relationship falling apart. Sometimes the scariest thing is letting yourself fully trust it, fully relax into it, fully believe you're loved." — Shanenn Bryant Perfect for listeners who: * Wake up spiraling for no reason and can't turn it off * Know their jealousy is irrational but can't stop the loop * Have pushed a partner away with checking, testing, or accusations * Want a practical tool to use in the moment (not just "calm down") * Are trying to figure out if their fear is instinct or old wounds talking If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And leave a review and let us know—what's one what if that's been running your relationship that you're ready to question? Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Secure People Just Think Differently EP 132

We're on YouTube - Join us there. In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn explores one of the most confusing and isolating experiences for anyone who struggles with jealousy: watching a secure person stay completely calm in a situation that would send you into a spiral.   Starting with a vivid poolside story that will feel painfully relatable, Shanenn breaks down why secure people aren’t blind to what’s happening around them—they just don’t assign the same meaning to it. She explains how your brain builds stories based on its existing “library” of past experiences, fears, and beliefs about yourself, and why that library is the real difference between jealousy and security. Plus, she introduces a powerful new tool—the Meaning Audit—three simple questions you can use to interrupt the spiral and start thinking like the secure person you’re becoming. Golden Episode Nuggets:   💎  Secure people see the same things you do—they just don’t assign the same meaning to them   💎  Your brain is a meaning-making machine and it pulls from your existing library of fears, wounds, and beliefs   💎  True security comes from trusting yourself to handle whatever comes, not from guaranteeing your partner will never hurt you   💎  The spiral isn’t about the photo or the party, it’s about the fear underneath   💎  Security isn’t a personality trait.  It’s a skill, and it’s learnable   Quote of the Episode: “Your jealousy is not the enemy. It’s been trying to protect you from the things that scared you the most. But at some point, that protection has become a prison. And you deserve to be free.” – Shanenn Bryant   📝 Leave a review and let us know—what’s one meaning you’ve caught yourself assigning that turned out to be wrong? Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.