The Savanna Noelle Podcast

Your Nervous System Is Running Your Love Life

For a free audio of "When he ghosts, goes silent, or pulls away," go to www.savannanoelle.com/freeaudio. I moved to Cairo for a man during the Arab Spring back in 2012. I left a cute apartment and a corporate job at a temporary agency in Downtown Denver because I didn’t want to regret every wondering “What if?” I was in love and convinced this was the great romance of my life. And for a while he was. To be fair, he was and still is an amazing human. I just had to know if this move and our relationship could stand the test of time and, well, a freakin’ revolution. The streets weren’t that safe then, and I didn’t speak the language very well. Everyone back home thought I was nuts for moving there during such volatility. Military in the streets, protests, bombs going off across town, men following me along the non-existent side walks side streets when I tried to do anything as small as buy groceries or take a taxi somewhere. My Egyptian boyfriend was photographing the happenings in Tahrir Square, often in danger of being tear gassed or right in the middle of the conflict. And I — strong, independent, “I can handle anything” me — was depending on him for mostly everything. I often felt tense and crazy, unsure how to navigate each day. I didn’t realize until years later that I lived that entire chapter of my life in nervous system activation. There was no rest. No regulation. Every nerve was on watch constantly. And eventually, it came out sideways. I lashed out at him in a way I didn’t recognize. He saw the scared little girl underneath the woman I’d built, and at the time I could not understand what was happening to me. I didn’t have the tools yet. I hadn’t built the capacity. My window of tolerance was paper-thin — and I called it love. I mean, it was definitely love. But what he represented for my nervous system was both safety and familiarity in his unavailability. He was physically and somewhat emotionally safe, but also mirrored the unavailability I felt as a child. Most of the time, when we think we are choosing partners — choosing to stay, choosing to leave, choosing to text back too fast or pull away or get small or get loud — we are not actually choosing. Our nervous system is choosing for us. Based on what it learned was safe a very long time ago. Usually before we had language for any of it. And when your nervous system is in chronic activation, what you experience in love is not love. It’s relief. Brief moments of relief when he texts back. Brief moments of relief when he says the thing you needed him to say. The relief feels so much like love because it feels so much. The contrast is what’s electrifying. The relief is what’s addicting. It breeds codependency. You weren’t crazy. You weren’t broken. You were hooked on the relief. This week’s episode is the first time I’ve put this all in one place in a succinct way— how anxious attachment lives in the body, why self-abandonment isn’t a moral failing, why chemistry is so often recognition rather than fate, and what it actually takes to do the work. (Spoiler: you cannot think your way out. I tried for years.) If you’re in the middle of a silence right now and you don’t know what to do with your body — I made a free audio for that exact moment. It’s called ‘When He Goes Silent.” Grab it at savannanoelle.com/freeaudio. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. I’d love to know what landed for you. I’d be super grateful. With love, Savi *If you want to go deeper into this work with me, my 1:1 coaching program Come Back to Yourself is built on exactly what we talked about here. You can find it at savannanoelle.com/comeback. Mixed, Mastered, and Recorded at Luna Sound Get full access to Savanna's Substack at savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe [https://savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Text Breakup

Come Back To Yourself Coaching Program: www.savannanoelle.com/comebackI take pride in my Sagittarius Sun, with all that fire, my adventurous spirit, and my passion, but I can be very direct. And sometimes it stings. And as of late, a series of events have brought forward this beautiful sacred rage because of the number of situations I’ve experienced in my life that continue to stun me. It’s like human decency and kindness has gone out the window in what it means to have a real, honest conversation these days. I think about the days where cell phones and computers didn’t exist. (Yes, I was alive then.) And even further back when people wrote letters and had to wait for days to receive them in the mail or they had to ride on horseback to ask their love interest’s father if he could date his daughter. If he wanted to end the relationship, he would have to face her head on. Those times are definitely gone. So if someone you cared about recently ended things over a text, a cold, weirdly clinical text that didn’t sound anything like the person you’d been falling for— and then went silent on you afterward… No conversation. I get it. I’ve been there. Recently, actually. Saying “this too shall pass” or “there are other fish in the sea” is not helpful right now. If you’ve experienced this, it’s like you are holding all this confusion and disbelief, running the whole relationship back in your head trying to figure out when it shifted, what you missed, what you could have done differently. Checking your phone way too much. Wondering if you should reach out. Wondering if reaching out would be a mistake. The terrain is unknown because it just seems so ridiculous and cowardly. So here’s the one thing I want to say, because it’s what actually started to help me: A text breakup is not a reflection of your worth nor is it because you did something wrong. It’s a reflection of their capacity. Their capacity to sit with discomfort. To have a hard conversation. To stay present when things get real and vulnerable, instead of finding the nearest exit the second love starts to feel like something they could actually lose. And I know they probably told you the opposite. Probably said come to me when you’re upset. Probably showed up early on with a kind of presence and consistency that made you think okay, here’s someone who can do this. These things are easy to say at the beginning when the stakes are low and their stuff isn’t activated yet. The real test is what they do when things get hard… when their fear comes up, when intimacy starts asking something of them. When their nervous system wants to run because they’ve equated love with danger. That’s where people show you who they actually are. A text breakup is communicating this, even though not realizing it… I don’t have the capacity to be present for this conversation. I’m more worried about managing my own discomfort and protecting myself than about honoring what we shared. I know this isn’t right but I’m doing it anyway because I don’t know how to do it differently. And honestly? They probably know it’s wrong. That’s why some of them offer to “talk” afterward. That little breadcrumb. “Maybe we should chat sometime.” That’s them quietly admitting what they just did wasn’t enough. But they offered the conversation AFTER the detonation. Not before. That’s the part that matters and the part that really sucks. Because a regulated nervous system doesn’t send a text breakup. A regulated nervous system says, “I’ve got some stuff coming up for me, can we get on the phone?” That’s the conversation that builds trust and what could have changed everything. You weren’t given that conversation. And that’s not on you. You don’t have to keep waiting to be chosen by someone who keeps putting you down and picking you back up. You’re allowed to choose yourself, right now, even while you’re still sad, even while the love is still real, even while you’re still kind of hoping they’ll come back around. That’s the work I’m in too. This week on the podcast I’m going deeper into all of: What’s happening in your nervous system when this happens, fearful avoidant attachment, the pacing conversation we never have, and what to do (and not do) in the aftermath. I hope you enjoy! -Savanna Get full access to Savanna's Substack at savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe [https://savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

Why You Stay When You Should Go

You left. And then you went back. Multiple times. The shame is real as is the self judgement. I know this feeling well. The the voice in your head says — what is wrong with you? Why do you continue going back to the person who hurts you? Research shows it takes an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Seven. And it isn’t because you’re crazy or weak but because the addiction is real and so is the withdrawal. I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit, but when we can really unpack the dynamic and not just pathologize ourselves and them but truly deepen in our grace and love for our nervous system trying to protect us, we start to see that the work we are required to do to heal is within our reach. I had to physically move to another state to sever the highly addictive abusive relationship I was involved in for 5 years in order to truly understand the hold it had on me. In this second episode of this two part series, I share what breaking a trauma bond actually looks like. We talk about the shame of going back and the grief nobody prepares you for. And of course, the path that leads you back to yourself. This episode is about finding your way back to you. Listen to Part 2 — Trauma Bonding: Coming Home to Yourself — wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you for listening. I’m super grateful. Please like, share, and subscribe here and on other platforms. Your ratings and review helps me get this podcast into more ears. Get full access to Savanna's Substack at savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe [https://savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

You Know You Should Leave

Come Back To Yourself Program- Apply at: www.savannanoelle.com/comeback You know you should leave. You’ve known for a while. But every time you get close to the door, something pulls you back in. It feels like love. It feels like longing and a chemical rush. You think that if you leave it, you won’t find anyone else and you’ll be left alone forever. You will not feel safe. It is toxic but familiar. You convince yourself that you need it. I’ve definitely been there. I don’t speak often of the number of abusive relationships I’ve been involved in, but these dynamics speak directly to the way our childhood trauma sets the stage for these types of relationships we can’t seem to leave. In Part 1 of this two-part series, we’re going deep into what a trauma bond actually is, why it forms, and what’s happening in your brain and body when you can’t seem to break free from the toxic relationship you’re in. We’re talking intermittent reinforcement, nervous system hijacking, and the cycle that creates attachment not despite the pain — but because of it. I’m also sharing my own experience with a specific relationship I was in where that trauma bond played out over five years — and how I finally found the courage to choose myself and what it took to let go. If you’ve ever stayed longer than you should have, gone back when you swore you wouldn’t, or found yourself defending someone who keeps hurting you — this one is for you. I hope you enjoy. 🤍 Get full access to Savanna's Substack at savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe [https://savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]

The Waiting Room

You know the feeling. The relationship ended, but there was no closure. It was just silence, ambiguity and more questions, leaving your brain to frantically fill in the blanks. Your nervous system is in panic, unable to come to terms. Welcome to the waiting room. This week’s episode goes deep into one of the most disorienting experiences we go through: the aftermath of a relationship that almost was. The one you keep replaying. The person you can’t stop checking on. That never-ending hope that maybe they’ll come back. Hope isn’t the bad, but it can hold us hostage. Because as long as you’re hoping, you’re not healing. And the person you’re grieving? You’re not missing the real, complicated, imperfect them. You’re missing the highlight reel of how amazing they were, the good stuff. A version that can never disappoint you because it only exists in memory now. We also get into breadcrumbs, intermittent reinforcement, and the seductive lie that you could have saved it if you’d just been different or better. You couldn’t have. You cannot love someone into choosing you or doing the “work.” This one I wrote for myself also- its honest, gentle, and might leave you a little tender. But if you’ve been sitting in that waiting room a little too long, I think you need to hear it. 🎧 Listen now wherever you get your podcasts. I hope you enjoy :) Get full access to Savanna's Substack at savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe [https://savannanoelle.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_4]