Being Tandy Podcast

Episode 6: The "poisonous pedagogy" that teaches us to dismiss childhood trauma

In this episode, I talk about early childhood trauma and how family trauma can be confusing because it’s possible to love our abuser(s). Thank you to @Nicole_Cliffe for this meme, because Nicole is so correct: I talk about how the anger I experienced when I was younger was tied to an environment in which my sister and I weren’t allowed to express emotion. I highlight Alice Miller’s work describing “Poisonous Pedagogy” by talking about and quoting passages from her book For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence. I found this photo on Facebook, posted by Lauren Horton, but don’t know if she’s the creator of the image. It’s a great representation for how tending to our individual trauma can break the cycle for the generations that follow us: Trauma can be inherited from problematic parenting. It’s important for ourselves and our children to tend to our trauma so we don’t pass it onto other generations. I hope you find this episode helpful and would love it if you leave a comment: I’m going to take a break from dropping new episodes over the winter holidays and focus on creating new content, spending time with family, and resting. I’m also setting up interviews with people who have been “Tandy” in their lives or who help people turn their vulnerabilities into strengths. So look for new episodes and some changes in the New Year! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit beingtandy.substack.com [https://beingtandy.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Aujourd'hui (Episode 5): Today's challenge of living with grief

This episode is the second of two episodes dedicated to discussing my daughter Abi’s death. I talk about some of the struggles (like anxiety) my husband and I faced after she died and how tending to that trauma revealed other layers of trauma. I discuss responses to stress, the challenges of grief, relationships after loss, and loneliness. Once again, I refer to McCracken and Semel’s (1998) book A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies. I also describe the book Tear Soup (1999), which uses the metaphor of tending a pot of soup on the stove to represent how we need to tend to our grief. I give advice about how to deal with those who are grieving.   The last episode’s name “Autrefois” and this episode’s name “Aujourdhui” are references to poems with the same names written the French author Victor Hugo to refer to how he felt before and after his daughter’s death. In the episode I mention the “tend and befriend” stress response, which is an alternative to the “flight or fight” response. Here’s an article that talks about this stress response more. [https://psychcentral.com/stress/tend-and-befriend#what-is-it] If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, your local hospital and Hospice services have information about local grief support groups. You can find a variety of grief groups across social media and may be able to find a group specific to your type of loss. If your grief has you considering suicide, please reach out for help by texting or calling 988 or text a crisis hotline at 741741. While grief can feel lonely, you are not alone! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit beingtandy.substack.com [https://beingtandy.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Episode 4: Autrefois: The "before" of the grieving process

This episode is part one of 2 dedicated to discussing my daughter Abi’s death and processing grief. I spend most of the episode talking about the day Abi died and some of the struggles my husband and I faced afterward. I suggest the book by McCracken & Semel (1998) titled A Broken Heart Still Beats: After Your Child Dies [https://www.hazelden.org/store/item/2138?A-Broken-Heart-Still-Beats-Softcover]. Next week, the second part of this series will air. If you’re grieving or you know someone who is, I hope these episodes help. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit beingtandy.substack.com [https://beingtandy.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Episode 3: Appreciating Provider Moms & Diverse Families

In this episode, I talk about my atypical marriage and the notion of “provider moms.” I refer to some of my childhood inspirations, the values I embraced as an adult, and how my life partner has supported my choices resulting in a happy marriage and well-adjusted children. I refer to books written by Betty Friedan and Susan Faludi, as well as reference the 2014 documentary She’s Beautiful When She’s Angry [https://www.shesbeautifulwhenshesangry.com/] that I saw at our local gem and independent film house called the Pickford Film Center [https://www.pickfordfilmcenter.org/home]. This Psychology Today [https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/communication-matters/202409/who-is-family-and-why-does-it-matter?fbclid=IwY2xjawFaiYFleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHeXjHi-TEI5U1MU0XybfoFKF63vJUL5X1tWOzEzJdLidcE3iwH64nuVGkg_aem_7OG9e09kHeoyiPN1Ot0p0A] article [https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/communication-matters/202409/who-is-family-and-why-does-it-matter?fbclid=IwY2xjawFaiYFleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHeXjHi-TEI5U1MU0XybfoFKF63vJUL5X1tWOzEzJdLidcE3iwH64nuVGkg_aem_7OG9e09kHeoyiPN1Ot0p0A] came out after I recorded the episode so I couldn’t include it, but it’s well-written and by a dear friend and scholar, so it’s worth including!  Because strict gender norms often result in stereotypes when people don’t appreciate that difference doesn’t have to be evil, ill-intentioned, or abusive, I do briefly mention pedophilia and child sex abuse in this episode. But I also provide the resource of Darkness to Light [https://www.d2l.org], a non-profit aimed at empowering adults to keep community children safe, and highly recommend their “Stewards of Children” training [https://www.d2l.org/education/stewards-of-children/online/]. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit beingtandy.substack.com [https://beingtandy.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Quality communication means a better life. (Episode 2)

Thank you to everyone who has listened to, downloaded, and rated Episode 1 of Being Tandy! I’m also happy to have subscribers! If you’re interested in subscribing, you can do so here: If this is your first time listening to Being Tandy, take a listen to Episode 1 first. It’ll be helpful in understanding what this phrase and philosophy means before diving in. I’d hoped to get this episode out earlier today, but my more-than-full-time-job and parenting had other plans for me! My goal is to release episodes every Friday, but as John Lennon said, “Life is happens when you’re busy making other plans,” so I can’t guarantee what time episodes are posted. This podcast will eventually get into some tough topics (because life has a way of throwing tough experiences and lessons at us). But this week, we’ll start with a basic lesson I learned as a student of Communication Studies and which positively impacted my relationships with my husband and children. In this episode, I talk about how the quality of one’s communication directly impacts the quality of our lives. The textbook I learned this important lesson from (among others) was Stewart & Logan’s Together: Communicating Interpersonally. While the text has a less heteronormative cover in its more recent editions, this is the version I’ve used over the last 3 decades… (It’s held up pretty well!) While I only get into some very basic issues of communication and conflict (later episodes will dive into these topics more), I also briefly discuss the importance of listening. In doing so, I reference the book by Dan Lyons, Keeping Your Mouth Shut in an Endlessly Noisy World. While I haven’t read Lyons’ book myself, my husband recommends it! The goal of this podcast is to share some of my toughest lessons and life experiences to help you find strength in your struggles, to help you and others feel less alone, and to build a community of collective strength. I know you’ve experienced tough things and have found strength from those lessons, and I’d love to hear from you! And if you think you’d be interested in having a paid subscription to Being Tandy, please message me and tell me what you’d like to receive with one. I have some ideas, but I want to hear from you! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit beingtandy.substack.com [https://beingtandy.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]