From Surviving to Living

(22) Journey Through Betrayal: Faith Tested in the Prison of Family Dysfunction

For many, forgiveness may feel invalidating, a minimizing of our pain. Have you been hurt by someone? Do you struggle to forgive? God does not ignore our pain nor minimize our experiences. Forgiveness through Him is more than just letting go. Listen today and learn how God sees forgiveness and explore the powerful work only God can do in the lives of everyone involved in a painful experience! TRANSCRIPT Are you wounded by betrayal? Do you feel abandoned and alone? While I was in prison in 2016, I sought to heal my family relationships. Satan, meanwhile, used this time to […]

(21) Born Bad: Transforming Darkness into Light

Do you have questions about God? Are you interested in learning about Him? In 2017 I faced many challenges and felt the strain. Oddly, despite these difficulties, I was more at peace than I’d ever been. Do you desire peace? Do you need rest? Listen today and learn how you can begin today, through a saving relationship with Jesus Christ! TRANSCRIPT Do you know what it means to be born again? Are you certain that you have eternal life in God? During the summer of 2017 I was fighting to keep my son and maintain relationships with my family. God would use these events to open my eyes in a whole new way to the things that are important. Discover with me the truth about sin and personal transformation. We’ll reveal where to get started in having a personal, saving relationship with Jesus and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word – this is Born Bad! “I was kicked out of Anthony,” I overheard. I turned in my chair to see who was speaking. Vikki, one of the ABE students, was talking with the teacher, Ms. Shaibley. It was a Monday afternoon in August 2016 and the school day was nearly over. I was at my desk reading my mail. Facing a trial for my parental rights next month, I believed the psych evaluation I’d done in 2012 might help me, however I was having trouble requesting a copy from the psych department. I was frustrated and upset. Time was running out. “What happened?” I heard our teacher, Ms. Shaibley, ask Vikki. She set down her work to give Vikki her full attention. As Vikki responded the P.A. system overhead burst to life, drowning out the answer. “Two-thirty movement is open! Movement is open!” I watched Ms. Shaibley console Vikki but couldn’t hear what was said. Vikki was a small person, shorter even than my 5-foot frame. Quite a bit older than me, Vikki came to prison with a third-grade education. I was shocked when she told me she’d left school permanently at age 9. She lived, or had lived, in the Anthony unit, also known as the parenting unit. Vikki had no young children herself, rather she was a helper for those in the unit who did. When I arrived at prison in 2011, the Anthony unit was giving incarcerated moms the opportunity to have their children spend the weekend with them in prison. The children slept in the same room as their mother, on trundle beds kept under the mother’s bunk. Not long after my prison orientation, drugs were found in Anthony and kid overnights were suspended. This discovery left everyone dismayed. It was announced that the suspension would last 90 days, however soon drugs were found again. Eventually overnights were abandoned altogether. The prison readjusted its parenting program to include all-day Saturday visits for children whose moms lived in Anthony. These fun visits often included special holiday parties and special decorations were made by the Anthony unit to celebrate. All women living in Anthony helped, and Vikki was one of these women. Catching up to Vikki after class I walked beside her as we exited the Core Building. “I heard you mention moving to a new unit,” I began. “What’s going on?” Vikki shrugged and sighed as she answered, “They did room inspections and found an extra pillowcase in my linens.” She shook her head ruefully, adding, “I didn’t realize that was so serious .” Linens, or bed sheets and towels, were distributed weekly on “Linen Exchange Day.” Inmates were required to strip their beds and fold all linens neatly in a stack. Wing by wing each unit would call women to the day room to receive new, clean linens. Vikki, like many women, had probably kept extra linens so she could wash them in her preferred brand of detergent, disliking the harsh industrial smelling soap used by the DOC. One could receive permission to do this, but most women didn’t ask. Vikki’s comment drew me up short. I’d begun working to identify sinful behavior in my life. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be, so I asked God to show me my sins. Now I thought of my own linens. While I did not have extra sheets or towels, I was keeping an extra blanket and pillow. I’d gained the extra blanket from a past roommate who had permission for it. She gave it to me when she went home. Unlike the blanket, I had stolen the extra pillow right out from under a guard’s nose. I recall my theft clearly. I was sitting in the dayroom and noticed a pile of pillows and a bag next to the guard desk. “What’s all of that?” I asked someone near me. “Missy is moving,” was the reply. “Why does she have so many pillows?” I asked and was told Missy had M.S. My own pillow was neither plump nor soft. ‘I could use another one, a better one!’ I thought. Storing up courage I quickly made my move. Walking past the pile I bent and lifted a pillow on the way to my room. I’d kept the pillow and extra blanket ever since. I was surprised I hadn’t thought about this recently.  I wanted to obey God. At first, I’d determined to follow rules I knew about. After a while I realized that my “rules don’t matter” attitude had blinded me to what many rules were! So, I’d dug up my policy handbook. Reading the rules, I’d then sought to do better. Linens, however, had not crossed my mind. Returning to my room that afternoon I folded my extra blanket and grabbed the pillow. I peaked out of my room and down the stairs. Officer Letcher was at the guard desk. I was hoping no one would see me when I left the items at the desk. Now, I briefly considered leaving the items without a word to Letcher but thought better of it. Tiptoeing down the stairs with my arms full I waited at the desk. “I have these extra items,” I said quietly, “I’ll leave them here.” Letcher appeared surprised and didn’t respond. I quickly turned and hurried back upstairs. Thinking again of my upcoming trial, I decided to call my oldest son Noel. “Hi Noel, how are you?” I asked as soon as he answered. We talked for a bit and then I asked as I had several times all summer, “Have you called Tim?” I wanted to encourage family connections, which had become increasingly important to me. I was becoming quickly frustrated, however, with my family’s lack of enthusiasm. I could understand their anger towards me, but I did not understand ignoring my young son Tim. Once again Noel answered me, “No, not yet.” The strain of the looming trial was increasing my stress. Everything took on an importance it wouldn’t otherwise have. Hanging up the phone I went to my room and stewed. I decided to write Noel an email expressing my concerns about Tim and my frustration with Noel. Soon I received an email response from Noel. He was angry.  While it was a short email, it was vicious. After that Noel stopped talking to me too.  Checking my mailbox a few days later I saw another response from psych. After weeks of wrangling with them to receive a copy of my tests, they had relented, but they insisted a therapist be in the room with me while I reviewed my records. The supervising therapist was one I’d had issue with the in the past. My stomach tightened remembering the previous year when I’d asked for counseling sessions and had been paired with an intern. Our first session was our last. Seated in a small room in the mental health unit, I’d faced her, my new therapist. Between us lay a table and windows facing out toward the guard desk. “How can I help you today?” she asked. “I want to be well prepared for my release,” I answered. “I do not know what to expect for reentry, but I want to do well. I have a question for you,” I added. Nodding, she waved to me to continue. “How much experience do you have with inmate reentry and the possible stresses one might experience?” Her eyes narrowed. Crossing her arms over her chest she leaned back and demanded, “What do you mean by that?” Confused by her reaction I tried to explain further, “Well, I do not know what to expect when I’m released. I imagine it could be difficult for me, however I don’t know in what ways. I’d like to prepare. I’m asking if that’s something you can help me with.” Her eyes had grown dark with anger as I spoke. Sucking in a breath she launched, “HOW DARE YOU! How dare you question my education and skills! Who do you think you are?” Spit flew onto the table as she raised her voice higher, “What gives you the right to question my abilities? You should be ashamed of yourself!” She finished with a shrill shriek. The room echoed with silence as I stared at her in shock. She’d scooted further back in her chair. She began tapping her toe. She challenged me to respond. I began slowly in a near whisper, “I wasn’t doing that at all. I had already assumed that your assignment here today means you are qualified for the work of a therapist. I’d have no reason to think otherwise. I was asking how familiar you are with the incarceration experience and reentry.” Her posture remained tense. Looking around the small room I felt the walls closing in. I was scared and intimidated by her outburst. I wanted to leave badly but didn’t know how to end this. Tentatively I spoke up, “I am very uncomfortable,” I started. Her toe tapping sped up. “I’d like to return to my room please,” I finished. Waving a hand at the door she said nothing. After a moment’s pause, I fled from the room. Still wanting the help I’d requested I wrote a kite to the intern’s supervisor. I shared my recent experience. The supervisor’s response was brief, “No. You can resolve your issue with the intern I gave you or have no therapy at all.” This supervisor was the appointed person to sit with me now while I reviewed my tests. What I didn’t know was that this appointment was about to be an answer to prayer in a very unusual way. A week later I found myself at Monahan, the mental health unit, sitting in another small room. The door opened and the supervisor entered holding my file. She set it before me and sat against the wall quietly. The room seemed tense with her in it. I flipped it open, not sure what to expect. Inside was a 15-page report, written years ago by treatment staff. I flipped through it, hoping to quickly find what I was looking for – positive statements about my mental health. After a few minutes of scanning, I realized I may need to review each page instead. The first 9 pages were written reports based on interviews I’d had with staff. I skipped to the bottom of page 10 and found the results of my written assessments. It began well enough, stating, “Ms Aho did not exaggerate or approach the test in a guarded manner. She did not attempt to portray herself in either a favorable or disfavorable light. Results suggest that she was cooperative, attentive and focused.” Relaxing a little, I continued to read and was immediately stopped short. I read, “Results suggest that Ms. Aho tends to be self-centered, insensitive, lacks empathy and demands attention and affection.” Slowly I read the rest of the paragraph which included phrases like “irresponsible, unreliable, moody and resentful.” I set down the report and took a breath, considering. Cautiously I peaked at the next page and found more of the same. Another page turn and more of the same. I had not read this report when it was made 4 years earlier, but if I had I would have been angry and hurt. It was still painful to read even now, however I felt hopeful now instead of crushed. I could see the truth in these words, and I knew Jesus could transform me. I saw the “before” in my soon to be “after” story. I rejoiced that God was opening my eyes to truth and answering prayer. I reached for my notebook and pen, which I’d brought with me. I began taking notes, page after page, as time ticked away. After a bit I wondered how much time I had left. There was still a lot to take in. “Um, can I take more notes?” I asked the supervisor, who remained sitting quietly. Xerox copies might take more than a week to receive. With a look of sympathy she nodded, adding, “I know these can be difficult to read.” I turned to face her and replied with certainty, “Oh this is all true. Or it was anyway.” Surprise lit up her face as she read my eyes. I nodded at my pen and paper adding, “I’ve been praying for God to show me my own sin. Here’s an entire report about them. I want to start doing better today.” I returned my gaze to the table, lifting the report. The supervisor thought a moment, her features softening. She stood and held out her hand. “Would you like me to make copies for you? I can do that right now.” She smiled. Now it was my turn to be surprised. I looked up into her face, now open and kind. I nodded eagerly and handed her the pages. Later in my own room I puzzled over the conclusion of the report, which started, “she will likely resist psychological interpretations of her problems and when the reality of a situation is pointed out, she may be unable to see her role in it and claim the clinician simply doesn’t understand her.” I had not read this report when it was first created in 2012, but I knew if I had, that is exactly what I would have done. I would have been angry and hurt, fiercely defending myself. It finished with the statement, “Treatment prognosis is poor, as her problems appear characterlogical and not readily amenable to change.” I’d never seen the word “characterlogical” before and wondered what it meant. Not finding the word in a dictionary I went to the guard desk for help. I found Officer Letcher sitting at his computer and explained the problem. Would he look the word up online? He did and I learned something important. I learned it meant “relating to character.” In essence it meant – born that way. The report was saying I was born with all these bad things and the person writing the report obviously believed a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Considering, I lifted my eyes again to the paragraph just above, reading again, “she will likely resist psychological interpretations of her problems.” Well that was not true anymore, was it? I saw truth here on every page, an accurate description of my life and myself. What did that suggest? That I was a new creature. I smiled at the thought and thanked God for my new life. I didn’t have anything here that would help me at trial, but I’d received an even bigger answer to prayer and evidence of God’s work in my life. Nothing is impossible with God! Listener, how well do you understand what sin is? Did you know that the Bible provides a definition for us? It says in I John 3: ‘Everyone who commits sin is guilty of lawlessness; for that is what sin is, lawlessness, the breaking, violating of God’s law by transgression or neglect – being unrestrained and unregulated by His commands and His will.’ Sin is any thoughts or behaviors we have that do not accurately reflect God’s perfect character and nature. What does God say is the purpose of the law? Paul says in Romans 3: 19 Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. 20 Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin. I mentioned that sin is anything that does not perfectly reflect God’s nature. The book of Hebrews tells us that Jesus is the One Person Who never sinned. It says: He is the sole expression of the glory of God, and He is the perfect imprint and very image of [God’s] nature Jesus perfectly expresses the nature of God, because He is God. Why does it matter that Jesus is God, and not merely a man? The rest of this verse says: When He had by offering Himself accomplished our cleansing of sins and riddance of guilt, He sat down at the right hand of the divine Majesty on high, Perhaps you understand the idea of an innocent person willingly taking the punishment a guilty person deserves. An innocent human being, however, can only do this once for one person. Why? Because the value of one human life is one human life. How many human lives is God worth? Since He is Creator, the answer is infinite human lives. He is the Author of life. Jesus can only take away the sin of all people if He is worth more than one man, in other words, if He is God, Creator of all things. Hebrews also tells us in chapter 1: [But] in [b [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+1&version=AMPC#fen-AMPC-29964b]]the last of these days He has spoken to us in [the person of a] Son, Whom He appointed Heir and lawful Owner of all things, also by and through Whom He created the worlds and the reaches of space and the ages of time [He made, produced, built, operated, and arranged them in order]. How should we respond to this information today? Jesus tells us in John 3: I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, that unless a person is born again (anew, from above), he cannot ever see the kingdom of God. What is the kingdom of God? It says in Mark 1 that the kingdom of God is at hand. The Bible tells us eternal life is not a place or future state. John 17 says And this is eternal life: [it means] to know (to perceive, recognize, become acquainted with, and understand) You, the only true and real God, and [likewise] to know Him, Jesus [as the] Christ (the Anointed One, the Messiah), Whom You have sent. The kingdom of God is His sphere of influence, His power and you cannot even see His influence and His power, cannot know or understand Him, unless you are born again, spiritually reborn. How is one born again? I John 5 tells us: Everyone who believes (adheres to, trusts, and relies on the fact) that Jesus is the Christ (the Messiah) is a born-again child of God; and everyone who loves the Father also loves the one born of Him (His offspring). 2 By this we come to know (recognize and understand) that we love the children of God: when we love God and obey His commands. If you do not know for certain today that you are a born again child of God, I encourage you to ask God to teach you and lead you to that step today. Jesus said in John 6: 40 For this is My Father’s will and His purpose, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in and cleaves to and trusts in and relies on Him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up [from the dead] at the last day….It is written in [the book of] the Prophets, And they shall all be taught of God [have Him in person for their Teacher]. Everyone who has listened to and learned from the Father comes to Me—…I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, he who believes in Me [who adheres to, trusts in, relies on, and has faith in Me] now possesses eternal life. Dear Jesus, I pray for the person listening right now, and I pray for me. Give us deeper understanding of You. Draw us into an intimate relationship with you. Lead all who do not yet know You to saving knowledge of the Truth. Help us to love each other and obey You today. Amen!

(20) “Passing” Summer: Surrendering to Obedience and Experiencing God

Discover extra content in the blog post “Passing” Summer! [https://hollybot.me/passing-summer-surrendering-to-obedience-and-experiencing-god/] The summer of 2016 found me discovering God in a whole new way. Convicted of sins I’d thought nothing of in the past, I sought to surrender to God and experience victory over sin. This new path would take me through dangerous situations as well as improved relationships with others. This surrender, with the Holy Spirit leading, would deliver amazing transformation and spiritual growth, as well as self-discipline I’d always longed for and felt I lacked. Are you facing a journey filled with temptation? Are you searching for victory in your life? This episode will hit home for you and give you hope for tomorrow! Join me on this journey! TRANSCRIPT Are you eager to obey God, yet find yourself falling victim to temptation over and over? The summer of 2016 I began learning what it means to serve and obey God. As I sought to meet the needs of others God would show me His methods are better than my own. Join me as I gain new insights into honoring God and loving others. Discover with me the path to healing as you serve in your community. We’ll uncover the secret to contentment in any situation and how you can begin today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word. This is Passing Summer. “Noel, do you have Tim’s newest phone number?” I asked my oldest son. I was concerned about Tim and felt certain additional support from family and friends would help. “I do,” Noel replied. “I have not called him lately though,” he added. I imagined Noel busy with his work in the Army Reserves as well as his regular job. “Could you call?” I queried. “I think he’s lonely and would love some time with a big brother.” Mentally I urged Noel to agree. “Yeah, I can do that,” Noel answered. “I’ll try later this week.” Satisfied, I headed to my room. It was July 2016, 2 months to go before the trial that might terminate my parental rights with Tim. I was running out of people to call who might take him out of foster care for me. I began shifting my focus towards how I might win at trial regardless of where Tim lived.  My newest lawyer [https://hollybot.me/wheres-my-son/] provided me with no help in winning at trial. It seemed she saw her role not as an advocate, but rather a paper-pusher to usher me properly through the process of being tried and losing my rights. “I have a great idea!” I told my lawyer one evening on the phone. “I’d like to ask family and friends to write supportive letters for me as testimony for the court!” My lawyer was taken aback, responding, “You can’t submit anything like that to win the trial. It just isn’t done!” Now it was my turn to be surprised. I’d repeatedly asked what I could or should do to prepare myself for the trial. My lawyer repeatedly answered, “Nothing.” Perhaps she was referring to her own level of effort. I didn’t understand my lawyer’s attitude, but experience had taught me that she’d likely not submit anything I sent her to the court, even if I thought it was a good idea. Every time I had mentioned winning at trial, she’d seemed surprised I’d think such a thing was possible. Have you ever encountered a situation where you felt let down or misunderstood by a professional who was supposed to support you? How did you cope with that disappointment? Throughout the summer, God continued to teach and transform me. I was eager to obey Him, but I was sometimes doing so in my own ways. I would soon question – is it possible to have a good life doing everything God’s way? As I headed to my room, I thought about the most recent Bible verses I’d read. I was discovering themes repeated throughout Scripture. One of these was helping people who are poor. There certainly were many poor people around me in prison. Excited to obey, I considered how I might do so. The challenges faced by every inmate are in providing for themselves [https://hollybot.me/general-assembly-burning-rubber/], paying for hygiene, medical visit co-pays, laundry soap and other necessities. For women, the prison did not even supply things like pads or tampons. For an inmate, a full month’s pay could be as little as $6 for full-time work, yet supplies were not sold at any discount. I would argue just the opposite – that inmates and their families are targeted for price gouging by unscrupulous companies who take advantage of people in desperate circumstances. The prison wasn’t much different, giving only a token nod towards meeting the needs of people too poor to supply their own. A prison “indigent” status does exist, but the status was nearly impossible to achieve, requiring one to have zero dollars in their spending account for at least 2 weeks before qualifying. Since a job is mandatory, one’s three dollar, two week paycheck (for full-time work), naturally prevented indigent status. State supplied indigent items are also laughable. It’s my opinion that whoever manufactures these products is running a scam. None of these items are usable nor even resemble the products they are meant to replace. I clearly remember using their toothpaste as glue to stick photos to the wall. It worked well….as glue. This led many to find alternative methods for earning income, which is against prison policy. It also encouraged women to ask for or give needed items to others. This violated another rule as inmates are barred from “passing.” Passing is a term to describe giving anything to anyone, ever. Once a woman asked me for a phone number and, writing it on a piece of paper I gave it to her. Immediately a watching guard challenged what I’d done, telling me it was against the rules to give someone a piece of paper. Nevertheless, most (if not all) inmates and even some guards give only a token nod to these rules. Like society’s obedience to street speed limits, people know what is expected but believe it’s impossible to live well within those boundaries. In fact, to obey the rules was often considered immoral and uncaring by other inmates. “Are you going to eat that?” I was usually asked at meals. I had come to hate red apples, hard boiled eggs, and single serve drink packets. The real question being asked was, “Can I have that?” Refusal to pass uneaten items would generate an angry, perhaps even violent response such as, “You really aren’t going to share that? It’ll just go in the trash!” Breaking the rules was expected and applauded. This behavior isn’t prison specific. Just try driving the speed limit on the highway and see how well that’s received. Breaking the law isn’t just common, it’s expected! If you don’t break the law, you’ll be heaped with abuse. Criminals aren’t special in this area, it’s human nature for all. I had broken all these rules, from earning money outside of prison employment to passing whatever I felt like, anywhere I felt like. Mentally I agreed that these rules were rubbish, impossible to live within. God was about to teach me that I had it all backwards. My new understanding would begin as I sought to obey God – first as He taught me that He can supply my every need and second, that He will do that for others, too. Learning the first lesson I began to tell myself, “If I have it, I need it,” referring not only to what I desired, but some things I wished would go away like suffering. Similarly, I reminded myself, “If I don’t have it, I don’t need it.” I was beginning to understand the differences between wants and needs. And while I was coming to accept these lessons when they applied to me, I apparently didn’t see them as true for others. I seemed to doubt God could fulfill His own promises within the confines of unlikeable prison rules. By this time, I was earning a dollar an hour, more than many. Wanting to help people, my mind immediately went to sharing what I had. I thought I’d go further and ask people what they need and buy it for them. At first things went well, and I felt very good about what I was doing. I would identify someone in need, and then share with them my desire to help. I began ordering items for others on canteen, passing these items to them outside of a guard’s notice and sharing more at meals. I discussed the issue with my parents. They brought the matter to their church and soon I was given more money to fund my activities in “helping others.” Carefully I kept track of all canteen receipts, adding up money I’d spent on others to be a good steward of what I’d been given in donation. I would quickly learn a valuable lesson about rules and my own abilities versus God’s abilities. One day Jackie approached me in the day room. I’d helped her with canteen items recently and she wanted to know if I would help again. I cheerfully agreed. As was typical, she requested basic hygiene items and over-the-counter medicines. Two weeks later her items had arrived, and we all went to canteen to pick up our orders. Leaning on the wall across from the canteen window, we waited in line. Jackie, ahead of me, stepped up to the window and gave her name. I could see the canteen worker wander off to find Jackie’s order. Shelves lined the walls, orders arranged on shelves by last name. Returning, a worker hefted two large bags onto the counter in front of Jackie. Staring in shock, I pushed away from the wall to get a better look. Seen through the clear plastic bags were junk food, hobby craft items and other extras. Delighted, Jackie accepted her order and stepped to the side. Retrieving my own order I stopped beside Jackie, questioning. “What is all of that?” pointing to the bags at her feet. Following my gaze she joyfully lifted a bag and waved it at me. “Isn’t this great?” she answered excitedly. “Because of you I was able to afford all these things I don’t usually get!” I eyed the bags in dismay, her order easily totaling over one hundred dollars. I felt sick, thinking of truly needy people I could have helped instead. Looking away I said nothing, but Jackie noted my lack of enthusiasm. Lowering her bag, she said nothing. I wondered what to do differently. How could I have been so foolish? Later in my room I prayed, asking God for wisdom. His answer was counterculture. I opened my Bible as usual and began reading. I was in the book of Romans which I’d now read several times. This time something caught my notice and shocked me. “Let every person be loyally subject to the governing (civil) authorities. For there is no authority except from God by His permission, His sanction, and those that exist do so by God’s appointment. 2 Therefore he who resists and sets himself up against the authorities resists what God has appointed and arranged. And those who resist will bring down judgment upon themselves [receiving the penalty due them].” Romans 13:1-2 Was this really saying that God was in control of the prison, its rules, and those who enforced them? Was it really telling me that resisting prison authority was the same as resisting God’s authority? I wanted to obey God but doing so in this way was radical. I didn’t understand how caring for the poor could be done inside of the rules, yet I knew God would never contradict Himself. It was not His character, but my own mischaracterization of Him, that was the issue here. I prayed again for clarity and resolved to start following the prison rules. Soon I found this was difficult and possibly even dangerous. I began the next morning at breakfast. “Are you going to eat your boiled egg?” the lady seated beside me asked. Our mealtime was nearly over, and it still sat untouched on my tray. Tensing, I considered how to answer, finally responding with a quick, “No.” I looked away, hoping to dismiss the conversation before it went further. Instead, the lady continued, “Can I have it?” pointing at the egg on my tray. My eyes followed her hand, staring at the egg. I was finding a new reason to hate them. I swallowed a lump in my throat and answered another quick “No.” I braced myself for her response and wasn’t disappointed. “What! How rude is that! It’s just going into the trash. What’s wrong with you?” Slapping the ## table for emphasis she stared at me, demanding I explain myself. Heads turned at the commotion, others began to stare. Face burning, I pushed my tray in her direction and mumbled, “Just take it. Whatever.” She grabbed the egg and turned away. Ashamed, I hoisted my tray and made my way to the dishwashers, hoping to prevent another request. I resolved to do better next time. Next time became harder than I expected, as this time it was me who wanted something. I love cake, love it. While in prison I was determined to attend every meal that served cake, including muffins and cornbread in the cake category. Fearing mealtime interruptions (like a fight), I would eat my cake before anything else. I didn’t want to miss out for any reason. It was 2 days later, and I’d missed breakfast. Hungry, I anticipated lunch and quickly ate it. Finished, I realized I was still hungry and would have to wait another 10 minutes before leaving the cafeteria. My eyes roamed the table, spotting several women apparently on a diet and ignoring their cake. My stomach was quick to note that their cakes appeared even more delicious than the one I’d been given. My eyes roved thick layers of frosting and luscious sprinkles. Determined not to ask I sweated bullets, waiting for the announcement to leave. Cake continued to be ignored nearby, growing more attractive as my time to eat it grew short. Arguing with myself I sat, tortured. Unable to resist any longer I asked for someone’s cake, which was quickly handed over without thought. Guiltily I ate it while yelling at myself. Why was following rules so difficult? Failure continued week after week. I’d succeed at one meal only to be defeated the next. The problem wasn’t limited to meals, either. Recently I’d begun giving birthday cards to students [https://hollybot.me/love-hate/] I tutored. While cards purchased through canteen came with a stamped envelope, I wasn’t mailing the cards. I passed them to students in the classroom, keeping the envelope for use in mailing letters to my children. These behaviors were about more than having an extra envelope. I was a disorganized person who struggled to arrive on time, send Christmas presents BEFORE Christmas, or get a birthday card to someone on time. I remembered two years previous, when I was still able to talk with my young daughter Vivi. It was the end of September, her birthday just days away. “I’m sending you a present!” I told her. As children often do, she replied candidly, “Yes, but your mail is never on time!” She was right, and I knew it. Back then I had comforted myself with the fact that I sent gifts at all. I had tried to do better, but something always came up. I was full of excuses. I was no better at providing timely birthday cards to students, solving the issue by breaking a few rules and passing the cards in class. Now I felt challenged to do better and was quickly confronted by my lack of foresight and self-discipline. “Holly, why didn’t you give me a birthday card?” Sheila asked, standing at my desk. “You gave one to everyone else but not me!” Hurt showed on her face. Stung, I quickly soothed, “I decided to mail it to you!” Sheila looked confused. Why would I do that when I see her every day? Embarrassed, I chose not to tell her about obeying God and following rules. Instead, I continued, “Mail is fun to get! I want it to be special.” “Ok,” she answered, “but I didn’t get any mail.” ‘Oh boy,’ I thought, wondering how to explain. As usual I’d waited until the last minute, and then waited some more. I’d finally mailed it yesterday in a panic. It would take a week for her to get it. Should I blame the delay on the prison and pretend I’m perfect? It was tempting. I settled for responding, “I’m certain it will arrive soon. Sorry for the lateness.” She walked away and I was determined to do better, but I was quickly defeated at my next canteen pickup. I’d carefully calculated timing, yet arrived at canteen to find birthday cards “Out of stock.” I’d received none yet had 3 birthdays coming up soon! I ordered cards again while choosing how to combat this new problem in the future. Canteen was often out of things. Over the next several months I’d become an organized, careful planner, recognizing I was not a helpless victim of bad circumstances. Ordering cards months in advance, creating alarms and reminders in my tablet and calendar, and mailing cards early soon became my routine. Success made me feel good about myself. I found success in not passing other items more elusive. Meals were a frequent source of failure, and I began praying for help constantly. I wondered why God would cure my rage instantly yet fail to provide me immediate success in this. While I begged God for help, I began keeping records of my daily successes and failures. I’d stare at passed weeks filled with evidence of obedience followed by a day of messing up. I began to recognize the depth of my sin nature. Again, I read in Romans: “18 For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot perform it. [I have the intention and urge to do what is right, but no power to carry it out.] 19 For I fail to practice the good deeds I desire to do, but the evil deeds that I do not desire to do are what I am [ever] doing.” Romans 7:18-19 I would spend the next year learning to overcome this sin and be reliably obedient to it. Along the way I was transformed further by the experiences. Soon I would be so stable, my mental health so good, that I would no longer need meds for depression ever again. God is a Great Physician! Listener, do you need help in understanding and overcoming temptation? Do you desire spiritual  growth and greater self-discipline? The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%2010%3A13&version=AMPC] For no temptation, [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation has come to you that is beyond human resistance]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out, that you may be capable to bear up under it patiently. It’s important to note in this verse that the solution to temptation is help from God, it says He always provides the way out. Have you experienced a situation where the way out of danger wasn’t obvious? There are several reasons a person might not recognize an escape route. 1. Panic and Stress: In high-stress situations, the body’s fight-or-flight response can overwhelm rational thinking, leading to panic. Panic can narrow an individual’s focus and hinder their ability to think clearly or notice escape routes. 2. Tunnel Vision: During emergencies, people often experience tunnel vision, where their focus narrows to the immediate threat rather than the surroundings. This can cause them to miss potential exits. 3. Lack of Familiarity: If the person is in an unfamiliar environment, they might not know the source of help, making it difficult to find an escape route quickly. 4. Cognitive Overload: In a crisis, there is often too much information to process at once. The brain may struggle to process all the stimuli, leading to a failure to recognize escape routes. 5. Groupthink and Social Influence: People might follow the actions of others, assuming they know the best course of action. If the group moves in a particular direction, individuals might ignore other possible exits. 6. Denial and Normalcy Bias: Some individuals may not immediately recognize the severity of the danger due to denial or a bias towards assuming things are normal. This can delay their response to seeking an escape route. 7. Previous Experiences and Training: Lack of prior experience or training in dangerous situations can leave individuals unprepared to identify and use escape routes efficiently.  Do any of these describe you during an intense time of temptation? How does one overcome high-stakes circumstances during times of stress? Let’s look at how to triumph in any situation! The Bible says in Psalm 119:11 Your word have I laid up in my heart, that I might not sin against You. Memorization of God’s Word is a very important step in overcoming groupthink and social influences. It can also provide familiarity, training, experience and even overcome denial of danger. The Bible says in II Tim 3:16-17 16 Every Scripture is God-breathed and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin, for correction of error and discipline in obedience, [and] for training in righteousness, 17 So that the man of God may be complete and proficient, well fitted and thoroughly equipped for every good work. Have you found memorization a difficult task? Followers of Jesus and recipients of His salvation receive the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus says: 26 But the Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, Whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will cause you to recall everything I have told you. The first step is reading God’s Word, understanding your need for a savior, and learning that Jesus saves. If you have not done that, I urge you to take that step today! God’s Word thoroughly equips us for every good work, and the Holy Spirit teaches and reminds us of what we’ve read. It is through God’s work in our hearts, as the engine that drives change, that we find victory over sin. Don’t wait until a crisis hits, prepare today! Listener, Jesus loves you. He is ready to build you up and show you victory in your life. Let’s ask Him to start today! Dear Jesus, I pray for the person listening right now, and I pray for me. I ask that you give us a strong desire to read the Bible, to crave your Word. Teach us to memorize Scripture. Help us to treasure your salvation and look to you for victory. Show us the way out of our sinful desires. Amen

(19) Meeting Mr. Bot: A Journey of Unexpected Connections and Spiritual Growth

Discover extra content in the blog post Meeting Mr. Bot!! [https://hollybot.me/1349-2/] << List of Episodes >> [https://hollybot.me/1639-2/] Ever found yourself seeking one thing, yet finding another? Have you experienced unexpected connections in your life? It’s the spring of 2016, and I find myself at a crossroads, encountering someone who would profoundly impact my life. But along with this encounter comes a series of trials that put my faith to the ultimate test. Join me on a journey learning how to emerge victorious from life’s challenges. We’re diving deep into the transformative power of Truth, showing you how to experience it firsthand, right now! TRANSCRIPT Do you struggle with loneliness? Are you overwhelmed, hoping for a partner, a friend? In the spring of 2016 I would meet a very important person, my precious husband. My faith would also be tested as faced temptation. Join me as we explore what it looks like to be encouraged in faith and overcome trials. Discover God’s greatness and the reward of being bold in our relationship with Him. We’ll uncover the power of prayer and how you can experience it today! Listen until the end, you don’t want to miss a word! This is Meeting Mr. Bot! Sitting at my desk one afternoon, I finished another letter to my children. Suddenly, movement was called over the P.A. system. I looked at my clock radio. It was noon, time to pick up my canteen in the Core building. I did a quick scan of my room, which was clean but not neat. With an unmade bed, papers, pens and envelopes spread across my desk; time had gotten away from me. Movement between buildings lasted 5 minutes and I still needed to put on my shoes and glasses before heading out the door. I had no time to tidy up my room! Feeling rushed, I grabbed keys and badge, dashing out. Jogging down steps to the day room, I made a beeline for the sign out book. Women were filing out of Tubman, eager to eat lunch or pick up their own canteen. Quickly I signed out, adding my name, OID, current time and destination in the book. Joining the women I walked quickly, not wanting to be last in line. It was the beginning of June 2016, and the weather was beautiful. Flowers had popped up around the property. A fast 15 minutes later I was back at Tubman, carrying my bag of canteen. Signing back in, I noticed Sgt. Laabs in the hallway. He oversaw our living unit, and five years earlier, had given me LOPs (Loss of Privileges) often. Back then I thought he was a stickler for the rules, giving everyone a hard time. Since then, I’d begun to suspect something different. Laabs seemed to be testing new arrivals. His goal? Learning an inmate’s attitude towards authority. Sgt. Laabs would give every new arrival an LOP. If he could not find a legitimate reason to write someone up, he’d make something up. LOPs were delivered as yellow tickets outlining the offense. Inmates were asked to sign it. Over the years I’d watched as some women angrily argued their LOP, and other women silently signed without complaint. Women who didn’t argue were unlikely to receive an LOP from him again, even if they deserved one. Women who did argue would become his targets, relentlessly punished for everything. I’d probably been the arguing type when I first entered prison. Have you ever been punished for something you didn’t do? How did you respond? How did you feel? I passed Sgt. Laabs in the hall after I returned from canteen. He held room inspection forms and appeared surprised to see me. My heart sank as I remembered my messy room.  I nodded to him and ducked into my room, where I noticed a failed room inspection form on my desk. The form noted an LOP waiting for me at the staff desk. I headed back out of my room. Laabs remained in the hall. Usually, I am at work right now. I wondered if he had thought I was gone for the afternoon. “Sgt. Laabs?” I said, holding out the form, “I was only gone for 15 minutes. Why did I fail?” I knew very well why I’d failed. Maybe I hadn’t learned as much as I thought in the past 5 years, now trying to wheedle my way out discipline. “You left the building with your room messy,” he replied, waiting. He did appear sorry for me. “Yes,” I answered, “but I didn’t go to work. I have the day off.” I stared at the floor. Sgt. Laabs sighed as he responded, “You have to make your bed before you leave the building.” “I see,” I said thoughtfully. I looked up again, and that’s when I made an insincere promise. “I will never do it again,” I vowed. Two days later, my LOP over, I called my mom. I was learning about God and looked forward to sharing with my parents. I’d also begun sharing the Bible with my children in letters. Recently I’d emailed my parents copies. “Hi Mom! How are you?” she sounded less than thrilled at my call. Things had been strained between us for many years. Recently I’d told them about my Bible studies, certain God could help me in our relationship. While I grew more confident of God’s power, my parents seemed to reject the idea. “I was reading in the New Testament today,” I began, “and learned something interesting!” Phone time was expensive, so I considered what to say next. “It builds on what I sent in my emails,” I added. Quickly my mom snapped, “I haven’t read your emails. Good grief, we’re busy around here! I don’t have time for that.” Surprised, I stopped short, hurt. My excitement turned to shame, my cheeks reddening.  “I understand,” I responded. “I thought we could talk about it anyway.” Looking back, I realize I was desperate for approval, and lonely as well. I wanted my parents to be proud of me. “I don’t have time to talk about it,” she retorted. “I have to go now.” Slowly I hung up the phone and returned to my room, deflated. Ever since I’d mentioned the Bible, my relationship with my parents had worsened. Recently, my mom had demanded angrily, “You think God can use you? You!?”  in response to my desire to teach my children. Back in my room, I remembered the Reflector, which is the prison’s quarterly newsletter, that I’d left on my desk. Flipping it open I looked for the drawings I’d submitted. The content of the Reflector was created by inmates, from the articles to the artwork and photography. The last page featured my most recent drawings –my son Thomas and daughter Vivianne. I’d last seen them 3 years earlier, and they were growing fast. I was determined to remain emotionally bonded with them, engaged in their lives. After a few years in prison, I’d noticed that while they grew up, I still imagined them as little. This scared me. I began choosing photos of each and drawing them in fine detail, life-size portraits that took me hours to complete. I navigated through time, drawing portrait after portrait. After a while, I noticed something amazing! I began to internalize these changes. Now, when I imagined them, they were no longer the small children I’d left. They had begun to grow up for me. I turned to the mail left on my desk, three letters. Two were from my parents; I set those aside. The third was from another inmate, a man. I read the return address – Corbyn from MCF-Oak Park Heights. Women at Shakopee prison often received letters from incarcerated men hoping for a new pen pal. I’d learned the Reflector newsletter was often used as a source for men, as it included pictures of the women submitting content. I’d received many such hopeful letters. I never wrote them back, sometimes throwing the letters away without reading them at all. I left the letter from Corbyn on my desk, carrying the other letters with me downstairs. Kyla sat in the day room. I headed for her table. I’d known Kyla for 5 years now and needed her help. “Kyla! Can you help me?” I said as I sat. Dropping the envelopes from my parents on the table I slid them over to her. She read the return address as I continued, “Will you read these? Tell me if it’s okay for me to read them too.” As God showed me his power, I became motivated to obey Him. This included His commandment to honor parents. My parents, however, at once doubted this would happen. They became more hostile instead of excited about a new loving relationship with me. I was concerned that our fragile relationship would deteriorate further instead of improving, and was determined to not allow anything harmful to undermine my resolve. Kyla pulled out the first letter and read. I studied her face. She began shaking her head, eyes widening as she flipped over the paper. Setting it down she opened the second letter. A few minutes later, pale, she met my eyes and said, “I wouldn’t read those. No way.” She shook her head again for emphasis. Stuffing the letters back in their envelopes I sighed, hurt. I thanked her and headed for my room. Once inside, I opened my closet, which included a deep, high shelf. Grabbing a chair, I stepped up and set the letters in the dark recess. I didn’t want anger to tempt me into using them as fuel for an argument. “I received your letters,” I told them an hour later. I dreaded this call. “I didn’t read them.” My mom gasped in shock, and I rushed to explain. “I don’t want anything hurting our fragile relationship. I’ve saved your letters. If in six months you feel strongly that you want me to read them, I will then. If they aren’t relevant in 6 months, they aren’t important enough to risk hurting our relationship today.” “If you really want to honor us,” my mom replied, “you’ll listen to us and how we feel you can honor us.” I began to wonder if that’s what the letters discussed. “No,” I replied. “God will explain all this to me. It’s His commandment, I’ll do it as He wants. You can be honored, without feeling honored. I need to know how God sees it, first,” I finished. Outraged, my mom hung up. She stopped visiting, wouldn’t answer the phone, and ignored my emails. Disappointed, I returned to my room, remembering the other envelope from some guy named Corbyn. I looked at the clock. Again, I had the day off work. Again, it was canteen day. I had 10 minutes to wait. Tearing open the envelope I read, “Hi, my name is Corbyn Bot, and I’m looking for a pen pal.” Leaning back in my chair I continued to read. Corbyn had a long sentence – 30 years. How sad. He’d said he was only 23 years old, which made it even worse. Towards the end of the letter he added, “Oh, and by the way I sent you a present.” Confused, I wondered what he meant. Prison rules were strict. No one could send an inmate a present, especially not another inmate. ‘Well, he’s gone crazy,’ I thought. Just then movement was announced on the P.A. Time for canteen! I looked around my room before leaving and noted my unmade bed. I thought, ‘Sgt. Laabs isn’t here today, it’ll be fine,’ I told myself.  I’ll be back fast. Grabbing Corbyn’s letter I tossed it into a garbage can on the way out. At canteen, I was in for a shock. A guard handed me a clear plastic bag, filled with my order. Opening the bag, I pulled out my receipt and an item. I hadn’t ordered it. Startled, I dug into the bag, stirring items around. Shocked, I realized there was at least $100 worth of stuff in my bag that I hadn’t ordered. Quickly I nodded to the guard and walked down the hall. I hoped she hadn’t noticed my surprise. “What’s going on?” Brandi asked me, as I stood beside her, waiting to leave canteen. I stood frozen, reviewing Corbyn’s letter in my mind. This must be the ‘present’ he’d mentioned! I whispered, “There’s a bunch of stuff in this bag I didn’t order!” Brandi looked down, considering. “I think some guy filling orders did it on purpose!” I added. I’d heard of this before, however it had never happened to me. Shrugging, Brandi stared off, now bored. Movement was announced and I raced back to Tubman, hauling my canteen. Quickly I signed in and headed straight for the trash can. Women stopped to stare at me as I began digging in the garbage. “What are you DOING?” Linda asked, concerned. Ah-hah – There it was! I pulled Corbyn’s letter out and stood. I noticed the stares and blushed. Embarrassed, I grabbed my canteen again and headed for my room. Passing the staff desk I noticed an officer with room inspection forms talking to Sgt. Laabs, who had just come on duty. ‘Oh no!’ I thought, recalling my unmade bed. Sure enough, another LOP was waiting for me. Setting down my canteen I read the ticket, realizing when I had promised Sgt. Laabs “it would never happen again,” I’d really meant – “I’ll behave when you are working.” These were prison rules, however, and I was trying to avoid discipline, not actually do the right thing. I decided to write Sgt. Laabs an apology. I grabbed an institution kite, and wrote: “Sir, I want to apologize. Recently you gave me a failed room inspection for my unmade bed, and I told you it would never happen again. Today it happened again. I realize now I’d not made a commitment to do right, I only meant to avoid discipline. I want to thank you for holding me to this standard. I realize this attitude could get me into worse trouble when I leave prison, where failure to follow rules while on probation can lead to worse punishment than an LOP. I want to do better. I will do better.” God was opening my eyes, Rebelliousness being replaced with a teachable spirit. Spreading my canteen across the bed I reviewed the order, which included sweatpants and shirts I hadn’t requested. I peeked at a label, sized XXL. Surprised, I checked the rest of the clothes, all the same. Men often wrote women they saw in our Reflector. I realized two things as I considered the clothing – Corbyn seemed to think XXL was typical, and he hadn’t seen me in the Reflector, as I was an obvious extra small.  ‘How cute,’ I decided, ‘he doesn’t see all women as Barbie dolls.’ I opened his letter again, reading: “Dear Holly, My name is Corbyn, and I’d like to have you as a pen pal. I’m 23 years old, and at age 18 I was given a 30 year prison sentence. I’m Native American… By the way, I sent you a present. I hope you will write me back. Corbyn” ## pulling out paper and an envelope I began a letter to him: “Dear Corbyn, I got your letter and the canteen. I assume this is your ‘present’ to me. Don’t do that again, ok? You could get in trouble, and I could too. I love Jesus and the Bible says God gives us everything we need. God has been doing some amazing things in my life, and I need Him. Here’s where you can get a free Bible and I hope you get it and read it so you can know this for yourself. I will not write to you again. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I only write to family. I am adding you to my prayer list. Take care, Holly” I mailed the letter and added Corbyn to my prayer list. Little did I know, as I included Corbyn in my prayers that night, that I was praying for my future husband. God would connect us again in a few years, my amazing husband, Mr. Corbyn Bot. Listener, are you facing temptations or trials today? Do you want a friend, a partner, a spouse? C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, “If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” Have you been searching for the truth? Jesus said: “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Truth first, then all else. Listener, God has beautiful plans for you, good plans, and He asks you to trust Him. Isaiah 45 says: 18 For thus says the Lord—Who created the heavens, God Himself, Who formed the earth and made it, Who established it and did not create it to be a worthless waste; He formed it to be inhabited—I am the Lord, and there is no one else. 19 I have not spoken in secret, in a corner of the land of darkness; I did not call [you] …, saying, Seek Me for nothing [but I promised them a just reward]. I, the Lord, speak righteousness (the truth); I declare things that are right. 20 Assemble yourselves and come; draw near together, you survivors of the nations! What does seeking God look like? Have you heard of the Apostle Paul in the Bible? He was a very bold missionary for Jesus. Did you know that before he began this ministry he spent 14 years studying the scriptures and growing in faith? His example is a good one for us to follow. It is also encouraging! Listener, we can begin to follow his example today by reading God’s Word ourselves. Jesus tells us in John 6: And they shall all be taught of God [have Him in person for their Teacher]. Everyone who has listened to and learned from the Father comes to Me— Remember as you read the Bible that God desires to teach you personally. Ask God to teach you as you read, to teach you through experience, and to grow in relationship with Him. Comfort is just on the other side of the truth we need for peace in our lives! Let’s ask Him for it today! Dear Jesus, I pray for the person listening right now, and I pray for me. Please teach us personally. Help us to know You through your Word and through experience. Give us understanding to know Truth. You are the Truth. Amen << List of Episodes >> [https://hollybot.me/1639-2/]

(01) BEFORE: Setting the Stage and a Candid Interview

Discover extra content in the blog post – BEFORE [https://hollybot.me/blog-post-title/?swcfpc=1] << List of Episodes >> [https://hollybot.me/1639-2/] Before the confines of prison, I had an ordinary life, family, dreams. Before 2010, everything seemed on track. Life has a way of surprising us, doesn’t it? Before 2010, I didn’t see the tragic detour ahead, a journey that would challenge every belief, every idea of self. Then came the pivotal moment, the moment that shattered the illusion of a predictable future. Prison, often seen as the end, became the canvas for a new beginning. TRANSCRIPT Prison doesn’t change lives. God changes even people in prison. Join me as we unravel life Before 2010, peaking at moments that led to profound transformation. This is just the beginning of one story that defies expectations and embraces the power of change. Prison didn’t change my life. Earthly things don’t change us into heavenly creatures. Salvation is a gift from God. It just so happens I was in prison when that happened for me. Before my arrest at age 35 in 2010 I never thought about prison, jail, or the criminal justice system. Everything I thought I “knew,” I learned on TV, as I really enjoyed news and drama programs (which did me no good at all). To my knowledge I had no friends who’d sat jail time. I had no idea what to expect if I was arrested and sent to jail. Have you found yourself in an unfamiliar situation, uncertain of what to expect, anxious for the future? I’m inspired to share my story with you because I want to point you to Jesus and your own personal relationship with Him. He is so, so good! I also want to encourage you in whatever circumstances you are in today. My life before prison was ordinary. Does that describe your life? Would you like more? You are in the right place. I’ve always been a competitive person, often an overachiever. As a young person I was also insecure, and I acted out during my teen years. I often felt angry and unloved. These feelings would deepen into rage and depression as I grew older. Growing up my parents took me and my brother to church several times a week. We were also sent to Fourth Baptist Christian School. I accepted Jesus as my Savior at a young age and was baptized at our church. I wanted to be a good girl and embraced what I was learning. It wasn’t praise I received, however, for my efforts; it was apathy and occasional accusation. I grew to hate my mother, feeling rejected, and I ran away from home for a short time at age 17. I could not bear returning to a place where I felt misunderstood and mischaracterized. Frequent tongue lashings instead of loving conversations had left me wrung out and ready to find love and approval elsewhere. Just before my 19th birthday, I impulsively married a man I had dated in high school, even though we were no longer dating. On a whim we drove to Las Vegas with some friends and got married. This would be the first of many choices I would regret, while not understanding my motivations. Not for the first time I was asked, “What were you thinking? Why did you do that?” It wouldn’t be the last time. Have you ever done something you don’t understand? Do you have regrets? Romans 7:15 “For I do not understand my own actions. I am baffled, bewildered. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very thing that I loathe, which my moral instinct condemns.” I became pregnant with my first son soon after. Within a month or two my husband began cheating on me, and a year later we were separated. I was eager to prove myself after this disaster. I felt shame as a single mom, a divorced woman, in her early 20s. I lacked a personal relationship with Jesus, however, at the time. I had accepted Him as my Savior, but He wasn’t Lord of my life. I was not rebellious, I simply didn’t understand the concept. At age 23 I remarried. I had believed my first husband shared my religious convictions and I felt certain my new husband did as well. In order to determine this I considered his family, whose religious convictions were similar, and used this to inform me. My second husband also lacked a personal relationship with Jesus. I’d heard the phrase “personal relationship with Jesus” before, although it wasn’t stressed nor explained at the church I grew up in. Salvation was their talking point, which they believed they’d narrowed to a formula – “the sinner’s prayer.” What should be expected afterward was not described (other than heaven upon death, which was also not further described), although teaching was of high importance at this church. I’d prayed the salvation prayer many times throughout my formative years, feeling no different than before. I was left wondering if I’d prayed “sincerely enough.” Convinced I couldn’t be more earnest and having been led to believe this prayer was all one needed, I came to view my experience as how it should be if one were saved and a good Christian. I became arrogant and proud of my belief system, my religion, while at the same time losing interest in going to church as an adult. My second husband and I had 4 more children. I became a stay-at-home mom, and soon I was looking for ways to be a work at home mom. I began developing my artistic talents, and soon my artwork was installed at a local gallery. I began selling my paintings online as I looked for additional ways to be productive. I would soon use these skills to become an award-winning blogger and IT director of a large non-profit. In 2005 we lived in a small town. A talk radio station mentioned a young local soldier had been injured in Iraq and was recovering at the VA hospital. His family was encouraging everyone to come and visit. All were welcome. I am an introvert. I am also a patriot. I absolutely wanted to go. I took it with faith that this was a true invitation to visit. The next day, husband came home from work early. I relayed the news from the radio and asked his thoughts. He said he’d watch the kids and encouraged me to go. I drove an hour into the city and visited this wounded soldier. More of that story can be read in my book, From Here to There. The immediate result is that while visiting I learned this soldier was receiving many visitors. I learned the soldiers in the neighboring hospital rooms were from other states altogether. Many of their families could not afford to visit them at all. I decided to return as often as I could. I was surprised how easy it was to encourage these wounded soldiers. I thought others would want to do it too, if they knew how. I began a blog and started writing. My book From Here to There is a compilation of its popular posts. The blog became nominated for awards like the Bloggies, and won an award for the best U.S. Civilian MILblog (Military Blog). This is the exciting and fun part of my story. Soon I was invited to travel to Washington D.C. to visit soldiers at Walter Reed hospital. I was a citizen journalist and reported on military blog panels. I traveled to other places as well for the non-profit Soldiers’ Angels and met many fine volunteers, military families, and soldiers. Money did not improve my marriage or life. As my second marriage quickly soured, I was left to wonder what I was doing wrong. By age 35, the year of my arrest, my second marriage was so toxic we no longer shared a bedroom, and I’d grown to hate him. That year I destroyed my family’s life, my life. I had a sexual relationship with my son’s 15-year-old friend, and in 2011 at age 36 (after a year of legal proceedings), I was officially convicted of criminal sexual conduct and sentenced to 12 years in prison. It would be 5 more years before everything changed; I would never be the same. During my incarceration Jesus used that time to make me aware of my need for Him as my Lord. He transformed me in ways I didn’t know possible through my relationship with Him. I began to share my testimony with fellow inmates. Transformation is best displayed with an accurate representation of before, so that one can appreciate the results after. I share my story transparently in the hope it will encourage you to draw close to Jesus in your own walk with Him. Released from prison in 2018, I felt a desire to encourage others using God’s work in my life as a tool. I began to write again, this time about my journey through prison and reentry. In 2023 I once again took this work to a blog format. Do you suffer from depression? Is your marriage thriving or sinking? Are you interested in a better relationship with your children, your family, your parents? Are you faced with adversity, struggles and obstacles at work, at home, in your community? Is anxiety a frequent visitor in your life? Before prison I did not know that personal transformation existed. I’m talking about amazing, shocking, exciting life transformation. Author A.W. Tozer states, “Every follower of Jesus should be a walking miracle, the kind of person who can never be explained.” Are you a walking miracle? Do you want to be? God is interested in you, and anything God ever did for anybody, He will do for anybody else. Join me on this journey! I can’t wait to see what God has for us next! Get ready for “Between the lines”, a candid interview Holly, Can you walk us through your decision to share your story with the world? What inspired you to be so transparent about your experiences? Transparency is so important to good mental health and relationships with others. Before my relationship with Jesus I was very guarded. My family encouraged keeping secrets from others to receive approval. For example the church I grew up in was very strict and didn’t approve of many secular activities such as attending a movie theater. My parents decided it was not wrong to do this, however we children were told not to tell anyone, not even close family, that we thought this way. As I grew older I developed deep depression and found it very difficult to ask for help. Instead I minimized my pain and put on a brave face. These tactics didn’t improve my situation, rather they intensified my problems. I realize now that these behaviors not only limit one’s own ability to be helped but also restrict how much help you can give others. Throughout your journey, you encountered various challenges and setbacks. How did you find the courage to keep moving forward, especially during the darkest moments? I clearly remember one incident near the end of my 8 years in prison. At the time I had chosen to live at the prison’s intake unit to encourage new arrivals. A woman, learning how long I’d been in prison, shook her head with wonder and said, “I don’t know how you do it! I don’t think I could.” The truth was very simple – I had little choice in the matter. I’d prefer to have left years ago or have never come here at all. The doors remained locked regardless. Courage is another matter. Many times during my incarceration I slipped into deep depression. Ultimately it was Jesus Who provided the solution. Jesus gave me new abilities, He validated me by being responsive to me, and He poured Truth into me. Joy is doing life with a strong partner you love and who loves you. Jesus introduced Himself as that partner to me, loved me, and I quickly came to love Him. Your involvement with blogging and volunteer work brought a sense of purpose and fulfillment. How did these activities contribute to your personal growth and healing? Blogging and podcasting about my own life can be very painful. I relive these moments as I seek to accurately describe them. This work has been very healing for me for the same reason. Now removed from these events by many years, I can see them from a new perspective even as I relive them. Thinking about these events in new ways helps me to understand them more accurately. The legal consequences of your actions led to significant repercussions. How did you cope with the aftermath of your mistakes, and what advice would you give to others facing similar challenges? Coping in a healthy way must be learned, and when I entered prison I needed to learn these skills. If I had to give advice on this subject it would be this – ask God for help with this. Only God can marry the information learned in Scripture or therapy with experiences that reinforce Truth and allow one to internalize the lesson. Your story emphasizes the importance of authenticity and vulnerability in sharing one’s journey. How do you balance the desire to be transparent with the need to protect yourself and your loved ones? This is tricky. I attempt to show the reader or listener, rather than tell. Telling is summarizing, and when doing this the writer tends to editorialize, or in other words share their own opinions about the situation instead of letting the reader form their own understanding. Showing gives the readers the details of a scene, including what the character(s) are seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, thinking, and feeling emotionally. It allows the readers to come to their own conclusions. I do not feel a need to protect myself per se, rather my desire is to foster understanding. As for my loved ones, especially my children, I seek to foster very open communication with them about content I may release as well as maintaining an open door policy for discussing feelings about what I write or broadcast. Looking to the future, what are your hopes and aspirations? How do you envision using your experiences to inspire and uplift others? Yeah, great question. I see my story helping others in many ways. For people with criminal backgrounds or very difficult circumstances who may relate to that aspect of my story, I believe my experiences give them courage. I know there are many families who love someone who is in prison. They are probably feeling many things such as worry. It’s possible they have given up on their loved one or need hope to keep from being discouraged. I believe my story can alleviate many worries and give them hope, keep them praying. My story may motivate someone who doesn’t fit either of these situations but has a heart to help people, and I hope my story will encourage them to do just that. I hope listeners will share my story with people who need to know Jesus loves them. << List of Episodes >> [https://hollybot.me/1639-2/]