Off The Data Provided

The Quiet Grief of Adult Friendship — Why Friends Fade and How to Fight Back

In this weeks episode, Dr. Shepard explores The Times of India piece, "The Quiet Grief of Adult Friendship," (https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/blogs/civil-irony/the-quiet-grief-of-adult-friendship/ [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/blogs/civil-irony/the-quiet-grief-of-adult-friendship/]) and examines why friendships often dissipate in adulthood. He introduces his concept of "amienship," discusses how social media and smartphones encourage voyeuristic, low-investment connections, and explains his friendship formula: investment, emotional closeness, trust, and support.   The episode offers practical advice for maintaining and deepening adult friendships: put phones away to be present, make concrete plans and follow up, schedule recurring check-ins, prioritize shared activities even when inconvenient, and balance effort when relationships feel lopsided. Dr. Shepard also covers long-distance strategies like rotating visits and planned calls to preserve intimacy across time zones.   The episode closes with another Ask Dr. Shepard segment responding to a student worried about keeping class friendships after the semester, with step-by-step suggestions: reach out directly, aim for an in-person or phone conversation, set concrete plans while together, and use calendars and reminders to create routine. Overall, the episode emphasizes intentionality and consistent investment as the keys to sustaining adult friendships.

From Child to Co-Adult: Resetting Boundaries with Your Parents

In this episode Dr. Marcus C. Shepard explores the launching and post‑launching stages of the family life cycle and offers a practical framework for renegotiating relationships between grown children and their parents. Dr. Shepard reviews family communication patterns (consensual, pluralistic, protective, laissez‑faire) and explains how a boundary‑resetting conversation can move families from old roles into healthier, more equal interactions. Dr. Shepard shares examples from his own life—how a clear conversation about expectations, giving grace, and concrete rules (like asking before changing the thermostat) reduced conflict, strengthened ties, and emphasizes removing assumptions, being present, and aiming for win‑win solutions. Practical tips include scheduling focused time, putting phones away, identifying negotiables and non‑negotiables, using hypotheticals to set expectations, and revisiting the conversation as needed to adapt to ongoing life changes.

Ten Days to Real Friendship: Practical Steps for Making Friends as Adults

In this week's episode of Off The Data Provided, Dr. Marcus C. Shepard revisits Kat Vellos’s book "We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships" and explores why making and keeping friendships in adulthood is so hard right now. Dr. Shepard highlights the loneliness epidemic (quoting the former U.S. Surgeon General about its health impact) and how smartphones, social media, busyness, and life changes make us “alone together. The episode breaks down the book’s core “seeds of connection”: proximity (being nearby), frequency (repeated contact), comparability (compatibility/harmony), and commitment (showing up). He also mentions the common finding that it typically takes around 200 hours to turn an acquaintance into a close friend. Vellos’s practical approaches, which include a Friendship Incubator idea and a hypothesis that ten consecutive days of quality time can rapidly deepen a bond are  discussed as a way to accelerate closeness. In addition to Vellos's idea, actionable tips in the episode include moving online connections offline, using local places (libraries, gyms, classes) to meet people, creating routines like weekly TV nights or pizza Fridays, guarding against perpetual busyness, and setting boundaries around phone use to be more present. Dr. Shepard also covers warning signs and relationship dynamics to watch for: unequal effort in friendships (the “fat friend” pattern), the rise of amienships (people you follow but don’t invest in), and the need to call out or exit one-sided relationships. This episode is a clear, practical overview for anyone struggling to build adult friendships and recommends Kat Vellos’s book as a helpful resource to cultivate more meaningful, lasting connections.

The Soulmate Trap: Why ‘The One’ Can Undermine Love

**Sorry for the delay, my hosting site was having technical issues for over a day** On this week's episode, Dr. Marcus C. Shepard examines a new Institute for Family Studies article that challenges the soulmate script and explains how social media, dating apps, and AI can distort expectations about romantic relationships (https://ifstudies.org/blog/rethinking-the-one-how-the-soulmate-script-distorts-romance [https://ifstudies.org/blog/rethinking-the-one-how-the-soulmate-script-distorts-romance])  The episode contrasts ‘soulmate’ thinking (destiny beliefs) with a growth mindset, describes the illusion of perspective created by abundant choices, and explains why lasting partnerships require investment, commitment, self-expansion, and balancing novelty with predictability. Research discussed shows growth beliefs predict steadier satisfaction over time, while destiny beliefs encourage quick judgments and relationship instability. Dr. Shepard also offers practical advice in Ask Dr. Shepard on maintaining close friendships as an adult: schedule check-ins, use asynchronous communication creatively, plan shared activities, and make consistent investments of time and attention.

Delayed Adulthood: Dating, Work, and Manhood

In this week's episode, Dr.  Marcus C. Shepard breaks down the Institute for Family Studies' 2025 survey (https://ifstudies.org/report-brief/americas-demoralized-men-part-1 [https://ifstudies.org/report-brief/americas-demoralized-men-part-1]) of over 2,000 young men (ages 18–29), exploring how definitions of adulthood are changing and how economic and educational shifts are reshaping life milestones. The episode covers major findings on how many young men delay traditional markers like full-time work and formal education, most remain open to dating and want marriage/children, college ambivalence, and surprising role model results (parents and teachers outrank online influencers). It also highlights that young men largely associate manhood with responsibility and sacrifice rather than extremist "manosphere" views. Dr. Shepard ties the data to interpersonal communication implications—how subjective adulthood criteria create confusion, how financial insecurity delays relationship milestones, and why clear communication and defined personal metrics matter. The episode closes with an Ask Dr. Shepard segment offering practical advice to a listener torn between an ex who wants to reconnect and someone they are currently dating.