The Legend of CA Man | A Tale of Tay

13 | Bluebird

Without drugs in my system to keep me down, my adrenaline kept me going until I realized we were flying through the woods with no idea where we were headed. Was the bear behind us? Who knew? When my knees buckled, I had no choice but to stop running. My heart threatened to give out with a tight squeeze and I sunk to the floor, propped up by a tree trunk. Where are we? I asked, gasping for breath. Wind howled through the trees, blowing a strangely warm breeze with it. At least we wouldn’t be cold that night. There’s a power line! I yelled. We can follow it to town tomorrow. At that moment, I needed to sleep. The ground wasn’t comfortable but I was too tired to care. The next morning we followed the power line through the trees, dodging this trunk and that branch. In some places, branches wound through the lines, straining them in ways I was sure couldn’t be safe. When a gust of wind blew a little stronger, you could see the poles struggling to stay standing. Finally, the sun began to set again and I feared we would spend another night alone in the woods. Until, there was a light ahead of us. But I hadn’t seen a road. When I rounded the last bush, I stopped, awestruck, at what we’d found. In the middle of the woods, stood a classic Bluebird bus, painted white with red flames. Lights sparkled from inside, where people were clearly having the time of their lives. A line of people wrapped around the bus as if this were the highlight of life in the woods. I was a little afraid we would run into CA Man there. It was his kind of scene, afterall. But we had to have run far enough to be safe from him by now. I checked my backpack for cash, happy to find CA Man hadn’t taken a cent. To the bus we went. Well, to the line for the bus we went. How bizarre, I said. Where did all these people come from? Inside, open flooring, with marks where bus benches used to live, led to a rustic looking bar, backed by a stout ginger man with a slightly diminishing hair line and a thick beard. Looking around, I was sure this had to be the kind of place I could replenish my stash. I’d been out of shrooms and any other relevant substances for far too long. A day to be exact. When I reached the front of the line, I asked the bartender for a beer and, after looking side to side, a plug. He raised his eyebrows at me and asked where I was from, because I certainly wasn’t from here. I gulped, somehow thinking I’d randomly stumbled upon an extension of the Bible belt buried in the California mountains. Then he smiled and I realized he was just messing with me. Next, the bartender took a step and disappeared behind the bar as if he’d sunken into some invisible trap door. When he came around the end, I gasped. All 5 feet of him barely reached above the countertop. It was like I was staring down at a leprechaun and, in fact, if I had been tripping still, I would have been convinced I’d stumbled upon some sort of bus hiding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Drew, as his name turned out to be, led me to an especially brightly lit corner, where a woman sat in a white dress that I could have sworn was a wedding gown. She was surrounded by a colorful assortment of Holland Lop bunnies. Their ears flopped around as they hopped on their leashes around her. She had every color of bunny except for white. This is the White Rabbit, Drew explained. Her tiara sparkled. SUBSCRIBE TO GET NOTIFIED OF NEW CHAPTERS I’ll never sell the list, and you’ll never get anything but new chapters from this subscription list. If you want to get updates about all Tales of Tay, head over to the main site to subscribe [https://talesoftay.com]. [jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_placeholder=”Enter your email address” show_subscribers_total=”false” button_on_newline=”false” submit_button_text=”Sign Up” custom_background_emailfield_color=”undefined” custom_background_button_color=”undefined” custom_text_button_color=”undefined” custom_font_size=”16″ custom_border_radius=”0″ custom_border_weight=”1″ custom_border_color=”undefined” custom_padding=”15″ custom_spacing=”10″ submit_button_classes=”” email_field_classes=”” show_only_email_and_button=”true” ] NEW EXCLUSIVE MERCH! We’re celebrating the return of the Legend for season 2 with CA Man Merch [https://merch.talesoftay.com/]! Get yours NOW while they last! (Limited time only.) https://merch.talesoftay.com/ [https://merch.talesoftay.com/]

12 | Run

Never [https://www.bing.com/search?q=www.youtube.com+rick+roll&cvid=01aaf32f3d8348f986be711ab5e5a708&aqs=edge..69i57.7195j0j1&pglt=43&FORM=ANNTA1&PC=NMTS&shtp=GetUrl&shid=c0148601-cf29-4b5b-910a-e985dcc8a1bb&shtk=UmljayByb2xsIHdpdGggbm8gYWRz&shdk=UmljayByb2xsIHdpdGggbm8gYWRz&shhk=2hDnK5wbFAlelDXs2QIZQBnt%2FgJ7XWmoU%2Fywmo53ubE%3D&shth=OVP.PEKL0QU4ypKExYRur-oR3gHgFo] thought I would make it out of that situation, but eventually, I did. Gonna need to go fix that part on my truck soon, I said.Give me your keys, CA Man replied You do realize that to work on a vehicle, I need the keys, right? I quipped back, surprising myself a little. Up here, you can’t get away from me, he sneered after a moment. Never dreamt of it, I replied. Although, I was planning on it. Gonna check on you soon, he conceded. Let me work on my truck in peace, please? I asked. You can’t be trusted, CA Man replied, cracking open a beer. Then he sunk down into a fluffy, green corduroy-looking couch, as if that settled the matter. Down the hall, CA Man’s friend was exiting a room of some sort with a large bong and a massive jar of weed. That’s when I realized that if I just stopped drinking, I could probably escape. Fine, I’ll fix the truck later, I said. First, the mountains on my can went silver and I tried my best to hide them, but every now and then, CA Man noticed and replaced my beer. Then, finally, the Hen Heckler passed out. It was only a matter of time before CA Man’s eyelids drooped enough for us to make a move, but the keys to the truck were clenched in his left fist, his beer in his right. When he was solidly snoring, we tried to replace the keys with another beer, but CA Man growled and rolled over in his sleep, placing the key ring squarely below his gigantic torso. Nothing was going to make him let go. We had to make a run for it. My breath was the only thing I could hear as I sprinted away from the cabin. Each heave in and out brought with it an onslaught of fear. CA Man murdered Mad Mike. I had to get away before he killed me, too. I figured we would find a town, somewhere to regroup, but I never knew California had so much wilderness. I always thought California was all city and beach. If anything so far hadn’t convinced me I was wrong, this escapade would. We stayed off the trail in case CA Man and his hen-disrespecting friend followed. A few hours later, I realized we were lost. Looking up at the tree line to navigate by star was useless, too. Tall, thick sequoias blotted out most of the night sky. I guess we should make camp, I said. With what, though? I looked around at the thicket of wilderness where we had landed. There really wasn’t much to work with, at least not at that time of night. So, we settled for a dirt floor and waited for morning. The sun shined into my eyes the next morning, and I thought that was what woke me up. Laying there, waiting for the feeling to come back into my body after a night on the hard ground, I heard footsteps, big footsteps. My eyes shot open, expecting to find CA Man, but I was shockingly disappointed when it was not him. Instead, I was nearly nose-to-nose with a black bear. My backpack was in his claw, and he seemed almost as stunned to see me as I was him. So, I took my chance. I punched that bear in the nose, grabbed my backpack and ran. SUBSCRIBE TO GET NOTIFIED OF NEW CHAPTERS I’ll never sell the list, and you’ll never get anything but new chapters from this subscription list. If you want to get updates about all Tales of Tay, head over to the main site to subscribe [https://talesoftay.com]. [jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_placeholder=”Enter your email address” show_subscribers_total=”false” button_on_newline=”false” submit_button_text=”Sign Up” custom_background_emailfield_color=”undefined” custom_background_button_color=”undefined” custom_text_button_color=”undefined” custom_font_size=”16″ custom_border_radius=”0″ custom_border_weight=”1″ custom_border_color=”undefined” custom_padding=”15″ custom_spacing=”10″ submit_button_classes=”” email_field_classes=”” show_only_email_and_button=”true” ] NEW EXCLUSIVE MERCH! We’re celebrating the return of the Legend for season 2 with CA Man Merch [https://merch.talesoftay.com/]! Get yours NOW while they last! (Limited time only.) https://merch.talesoftay.com/ [https://merch.talesoftay.com/]

11 | Hen Heckler

Shasta Lake’s teal ripples melted into the shoreline and I tried to reach out to touch them, only to find my right hand was full of tiny blue mountains. I giggled. I guzzled what was left in the can and held it up in front of my eyes until the mountains were silver… and a moment later they were blue again? What the fuck? A boisterous laugh boomed to my left, making me jump out of my skin. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I realized I was still with CA Man. He’d been handing me beers for the past hour while I silently processed his news. The hand free of a Coors can searched my baggy for another nibble of shrooms. They were gone. Well, almost. I dropped the few small crumbles that I found in the bottom corner of the bag into my mouth. Dammit. I hadn’t had nearly enough to make me forget what he said. So, what now? I asked. The mountains were beginning to dribble into the lake in the setting sunlight. We camp, CA Man answered. The trees rustled, as if the winds were whispering to me to run. Of course, I said, chugging the rest of the beer in my hand. We climbed through tense silence into the truck cab. Vague details from the first night we met flashed through my mind. So many beers. Did he tell me about this then? Why did I feel like I already knew? Was this deja vu? When CA Man turned back around and drove into Whiskeytown, I couldn’t help myself. Laughter burst from my gut as if I had been hit with a Tickling Charm from Professor Flitwick himself and I forgot all my woes. Where are we going? I asked. This is where we came from. Aren’t you on the run? More laughter. Unencumbered and inappropriate laughter. CA Man told me of a friend with a place nearby. He went past it in case we had been followed. The cabin we arrived at in Brandy Creek was no better than the trash shack we’d been in that first day when we let him hitch a ride. It had walls made of wood, but they were paper thin, worn by time and human carelessness. A wooden chicken coop surrounded by wire fencing sat to the left of the cabin, about 50 yards away. To the right, a fire road led to Whiskeytown Lake. I stared into the eyes of the ominously moss-darkened face of the cabin as we approached, nearly entranced by its deteriorating beauty. The sun dipped past the mountains behind me, illuminating every pine needle in the trees above the cabin. As the sun continued to fall, the last of its light rose into the darkness of the night sky, and I sat there watching until the day faded into black. Finally, my near overdose of shrooms faded away. The sun was rising again, behind the cabin I’d been staring at all night. It’s blinding morning rays brought me back to reality. Push it out! C’mon! Yeah! UH! I whipped my head around just in time to see a stranger thrusting his hips forward and back, yelling into the coop as a chicken honked through the frustration of birthing an egg. Who the fuck are you? I asked. Who the fuck are you? he replied. We stared each other down, like two gun slingers in a wild western. Neither of us said another word until CA Man burst through the front door with his obnoxious laugh to introduce us. Do you often heckle your hens? I asked. Instead of answering, the hen heckler spit, glared at me, and walked inside. What are we doing now? I asked. My eyes threatened to roll in their sockets, but I didn’t feel like getting knocked out again. So, I held them steady. CA Man didn’t answer. He followed his friend inside while I trailed along behind them, like a confused puppy. SUBSCRIBE TO GET NOTIFIED OF NEW CHAPTERS I’ll never sell the list, and you’ll never get anything but new chapters from this subscription list. If you want to get updates about all Tales of Tay, head over to the main site to subscribe [https://talesoftay.com]. [jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_placeholder=”Enter your email address” show_subscribers_total=”false” button_on_newline=”false” submit_button_text=”Sign Up” custom_background_emailfield_color=”undefined” custom_background_button_color=”undefined” custom_text_button_color=”undefined” custom_font_size=”16″ custom_border_radius=”0″ custom_border_weight=”1″ custom_border_color=”undefined” custom_padding=”15″ custom_spacing=”10″ submit_button_classes=”” email_field_classes=”” show_only_email_and_button=”true” ]

10 | Chute

We reentered Bear Mountain Pizza under its awful awning. My eyes darted from corner to corner for the massive, bearded man we seemed eternally attached to. Ben Then and Ben Now eyed me from the wall.  CA Man was nowhere to be found. We could just leave him. He got us a new motor, I replied. We have to at least get him out of here and drop him off somewhere he can get another ride. Outside on the bright orange launchpad, CA Man stood next to Rainn Wilson with a small crowd of Ben’s celebrators gathered around. They were both vigorously sucking on the sides of Coors cans. Not again, I said, elbowing my way to the front of the cheering crowd. Dude, let’s go, I pleaded. CA Man laughed and tossed me a beer, simultaneously raising a new one to his lips. Blue mountains or not, I would not drink that beer. We had to go. I was determined. We couldn’t be there when the police arrived. It would ruin everything. And yet, as if independent from myself, one of my hands cracked open the can before the other raised it to my mouth. I chugged and let go of whatever sense of control I had left. What the hell, why not? Rainn finally dropped his can, finishing his shotgun a full minute after CA Man. The crowd dispersed, seeming slightly disheartened by the fact that Rainn Wilson lost, even if it was to a sasquatch of a man who could swallow the beer can whole if he wanted to. I don’t usually drink like this, Rainn said. Sloppily? I asked. Rainn scowled for a moment and then walked away muttering about how he’d at least gotten Ben a present, despite the fact that the present had carried Ben away from the party. Shouldn’t have done that, said CA Man. Why not? I asked. As it turns out, Rainn had brought more than the one jetpack for Ben. He had ten with him. The plan was to give Ben the pilot flight and then choose ten others to join him. I clearly was not going to be on that list, but I was fine with that. Why would I want to ride a jetpack? Listen, I said, and explained what I had heard on the radio. A quick search on my phone confirmed my suspicion that an investigation into who was on the jetpack was already underway. CA Man raised an eyebrow and then his beer. He stared silently into my soul while he chugged before he answered, It’s fine. ---------------------------------------- CA Man raised an eyebrow and then his beer. He stared silently into my soul while he chugged before he answered, It's fine. Share on X [https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcaman.talesoftay.com%2F10-chute%2F&text=CA%20Man%20raised%20an%20eyebrow%20and%20then%20his%20beer.%20He%20stared%20silently%20into%20my%20soul%20while%20he%20chugged%20before%20he%20answered%2C%20It%27s%20fine.&related] ---------------------------------------- What? Instead of answering, he told me to take more shrooms and settle in for the night. He had business here. I didn’t even want to know what that meant. I just wanted to leave, but somehow, I felt obligated to stay. That night slipped into the same drunken stupor I’d become accustomed to with CA Man, but this time, I was prepared. I was consciously cross faded, like a lucid dream. Meanwhile, Ben and his birthday crew buzzed around the skies on jetpacks. By the time we both passed out, I’d convinced CA Man to sleep in the camper, while I crashed in the cab. That way, when my alarm went off early the next morning, I was ready to go and CA Man was clueless. We were already at the Fresno train station before the giant even started to stir. His snores woke us through the camper and cab walls before my alarm. So, we drove, got breakfast, and rummaged through his things before sunrise. Inside his backpack, the black trash bag found my hand, like a magnet to a vault door. I carefully peeled back the plastic to reveal a wad of crumpled bills of varying amounts alongside stacks of banded hundreds, a journal, and a photo. He had a lot more cash than he’d let on. The photo looked old, but it was clearly just faded and worn by the wind and sunlight, as if it had ridden on a car dashboard proudly alongside someone for years. A burly younger version of CA Man stood next to a man that looked a lot like Mad Mike. How long did he know Mad Mike for? I whispered. CA Man grumbled in his sleep and I remembered that we weren’t alone in the camper. Once everything was back in its proper place, I triple checked that I hadn’t left any of his things out and woke him. The train station would open in ten minutes and I wanted him out of my life as soon as possible. If I thought the first time CA Man punched me in the face had been painful, it was nothing compared to his reaction when he found out where I’d taken him. Are you insane? He asked, just before his fist tore into my temple. It was hard to imagine what I’d done wrong this time. When I woke up, I couldn’t quite understand what happened nor how to get myself out of it. I had no idea where we’d gone, much less how long I’d been passed out for. Fuck, I said, rubbing my head. CA Man didn’t answer. The sun was high in the sky and I realized he was driving and panic fled through my body with a jolt of pure adrenaline. Where are we? What are you doing? This is kidnapping. ---------------------------------------- Where are we? What are you doing? This is kidnapping. Share on X [https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcaman.talesoftay.com%2F10-chute%2F&text=Where%20are%20we%3F%20What%20are%20you%20doing%3F%20This%20is%20kidnapping.&related] ---------------------------------------- Told you not to take me to Fresno, he replied So you kidnap me in my own truck? You’re insane. We argued for the next 40 miles, which was enough time for me to watch the road signs pass by and find one with something I slightly recognized. Shasta? How the hell did we get all the way up here? Why? This is way past where I was trying to go! I’m on camera at that damn train station, now. Got a ticket to LA. They’ll think I’m headed out of the country. Just going to live in the pines. His meaning was hard to miss. I went silent, afraid of what I’d find out if I asked who was looking for him and why he didn’t want to be found. Perhaps worn down by our argument, or maybe discomforted by the piercing silence that followed it, CA Man finally told me his story. Or part of it at least. As it turns out, he’d been employed by Mad Mike for over five years. Mike offered him a job after they’d met somehow in Slab City. CA Man was a wandering traveler who preferred a life of anarchy over that of one ruled by the power of The Man. His plot in Slab City had been near the entrance, in a run down old Komfort travel trailer. The word OCCUPIED was crudely spray painted on the side. Out front, he’d built a sign out of pieces of wood and metal pipes that said “Handyman.” After meeting Mad Mike, he crossed out OCCUPIED and wrote a note for the next owner of his humble home. Mad Mike had inspired CA Man with his theories about the Earth. Its flat shape was clear to him after he met Mike. He was a true believer and Mike was the man who had led him to the truth. We were all on a flat Earth. CA Man started crying after he told me that part. His faith in Mike seemed to have brought up the pain of losing him, or so I thought. I realized I was wrong in the next few moments when CA Man got angry. In his rage, he almost crashed the Toyota into the loose wall of rocky mountainside we were hurdling past, pounding his fist on the wheel. Maybe you should pull over, I said. I was a little shocked when he did. We stopped at the perfect overlook. A picnic table surrounded by pine trees of varying kinds sat at the top of a cliff that overlooked a glassy, teal lake. The beauty of the view was perfect to counteract the horror the man unleashed on me there. He continued his story, slowly controlling his heartbreaking malice by whispering the rest of it. One day earlier in the year, he’d accidentally snuck up on Mad Mike talking to someone about his social media following and search rankings. His widespread fame was helping him generate money somehow. How, CA Man didn’t really understand. Something about hidden affiliate links, but the way they said it sounded sinister, like no one should know they were there. ---------------------------------------- Something about hidden affiliate links, but the way they said it sounded sinister, like no one should know they were there. Share on X [https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?url=https%3A%2F%2Fcaman.talesoftay.com%2F10-chute%2F&text=Something%20about%20hidden%20affiliate%20links%2C%20but%20the%20way%20they%20said%20it%20sounded%20sinister%2C%20like%20no%20one%20should%20know%20they%20were%20there.&related] ---------------------------------------- That wasn’t what enraged CA Man, though. No, he had no idea what an affiliate was. His anger came from the fact Mad Mike had said out loud that he didn’t really believe the Earth was flat. It just gave him a great brand. CA Man couldn’t speak for a moment while the details compounded in my head. A great brand? This man was a fraud and CA Man had been a true believer… Did you? I started to ask him if my theory was true. No, never mind. I took his backup parachute, he said. Then, I rigged his main chute to deploy too soon. He killed Mad Mike. I was reeling. SUBSCRIBE TO GET NOTIFIED OF NEW CHAPTERS I’ll never sell the list, and you’ll never get anything but new chapters from this subscription list. If you want to get updates about all Tales of Tay, head over to the main site to subscribe [https://talesoftay.com]. [jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_placeholder=”Enter your email address” show_subscribers_total=”false” button_on_newline=”false” submit_button_text=”Sign Up” custom_background_emailfield_color=”undefined” custom_background_button_color=”undefined” custom_text_button_color=”undefined” custom_font_size=”16″ custom_border_radius=”0″ custom_border_weight=”1″ custom_border_color=”undefined” custom_padding=”15″ custom_spacing=”10″ submit_button_classes=”” email_field_classes=”” show_only_email_and_button=”true” ]

9 | Jetpack

We gathered on the lawn behind Bear Mountain Pizza. By then, the clouds were spinning with my mind. The ground felt like it was up and the sky was down. Gravity was backwards. I probably did too many substances, but I didn’t care. Ben was about to take off on a Jetpack. Whatever barbequing materials I planned on giving Ben for his birthday from my camper could never compare to the Astra Jetpack bobbing on his shoulders in the dusky setting sunlight. An orange tinge radiated from the left cylinder as Ben approached his makeshift launchpad in the clearing. A few moments before, one of his friends had spray painted an X on the rocky ground between some shrubbery with neon orange construction paint. Wait, Ben, I said. Your glasses. He gratefully handed me his spectacles, which I promptly positioned on the bridge of my nose. If I thought I’d been disoriented a moment ago, now everything was distorted to a new dimension. I wondered if my face was, too. Ben walked out to the center of his redneck launchpad and readied himself for takeoff. His fans cheered from a few dozen yards away, but I was still among them, frozen like a statue in thrashing waves. I couldn’t help but see Mad Mike flying down from the clouds, splattering beyond Ben in the distance. Was I about to watch another man plummet to his death? I didn’t want to find out. When Ben flipped on the Jetpack and gave us his thumbs up, I slowly backed away from the crowd, turned, and sprinted toward the Tacoma. I didn’t get very far, though. About ten strides into a full-speed, head-down sprint, I ran head-first into a solid torso. Shit! I’m so sorry, I said as we both picked ourselves up from the ground. Ben’s shattered glasses fell from my face into my hands. Idiot, the torso’s head said. I couldn’t help but notice the man’s voice sounded oddly familiar. I’d been afraid to look him in the eye until then, but the way he spoke sparked the instinct to laugh so I had to see who it was. Clearly, I knew this man. My jaw dropped. All the courage I could muster would never have prepared me to make eye contact with Rainn Wilson. He asked me a few questions, but I stood like Roy in the trucker’s headlights until he walked away, muttering something about me being a nutcase. Apparently, he’d given Ben the jetpack, but we wouldn’t find out until later. The camper was like a beacon of safety in the middle of pure embarrassment. Where on earth had we ended up? California was nothing like I thought. It took a moment of hyperventilating to remember the Airband Scanner under the bed. Right! We can hear if Ben gets into any trouble with the jetpack, I said. We scanned the radio for thirty minutes with nothing to report. Everything seemed normal until one pilot’s tone changed. He said, Tower. Delta 978. We just passed a guy on a jetpack. Off the left side maybe 300, 30 yards or so. About our altitude. Oh fuck, I said. Air traffic chatter buzzed with news of Ben and his Jetpack until a few minutes later, another pilot confirmed, saying, We just saw the guy fly by us on the jetpack. Another flight seemed to be headed for Ben and we heard the controller tell them to use caution because there was a person on a jetpack reported about 300 yards south. The last thing we heard before shutting off the scanner was, Only in California. Shit. Well that’s not good. What are we going to do now? We run. What about CA Man? Dammit, I said. You’re right. We have to go get him. SUBSCRIBE TO GET NOTIFIED OF NEW CHAPTERS I’ll never sell the list, and you’ll never get anything but new chapters from this subscription list. If you want to get updates about all Tales of Tay, head over to the main site to subscribe [https://talesoftay.com]. [jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_placeholder=”Enter your email address” show_subscribers_total=”false” button_on_newline=”false” submit_button_text=”Sign Up” custom_background_emailfield_color=”undefined” custom_background_button_color=”undefined” custom_text_button_color=”undefined” custom_font_size=”16″ custom_border_radius=”0″ custom_border_weight=”1″ custom_border_color=”undefined” custom_padding=”15″ custom_spacing=”10″ submit_button_classes=”” email_field_classes=”” show_only_email_and_button=”true” ]