the velvet rage: the gay bible

how much did you sacrifice to survive?

In this episode, I talk about the quiet sacrifices so many of us made just to get through - and why it's never too late to start taking them back. Coming out is sold to us as the finish line. But what nobody talks about is everything you had to quietly give up to reach it. For most gay men, survival hasn't meant dramatic gestures. It's been the micro-adjustments. Softening your voice at work. Laughing off the joke. Saying "they" instead of "he." Curating every corner of your life to stay safe, stay liked, stay just palatable enough. I walk through what that slow erosion actually looks like, why it happens, and what it costs us. Why the build-up of unexpressed shame doesn't disappear with success - it often gets louder. Why rejection still hits like a verdict rather than just a disappointment. And why, when you've shaped yourself around everyone else's comfort for long enough, you start to lose track of what's actually you. This is an honest reflection on survival mode, the compromises we normalise, and what it means to stop performing your life and start reclaiming it. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] & TIKTOK [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_]TOO FOR EVEN MORE CONTENT Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

the velvet rage: the gay bible

In this episode, I talk about the book that helped me stop performing and finally start understanding myself, and why I keep coming back to it. The Velvet Rage is often called the gay bible, and for good reason. Alan Downs puts into words what so many of us have felt but couldn't name. The shame, the rage hiding beneath the smile, the exhausting cycle of chasing validation in love, at work, on social media, and in friendships. I walk through the ideas that hit me hardest. Why so much of our anger is actually shame in disguise. Why rejection feels catastrophic rather than just disappointing. And why being loved for your most polished, performative version of yourself will never be enough. This is an honest reflection on gay shame, authenticity, and what it actually looks like to stop living for the applause and start living for yourself. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Follow me on Instagram [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] & TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_]too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

7 things therapy taught me

In this episode, I share seven things that three years of therapy taught me about being gay, growing up, and finally getting to know myself. From chasing validation to people-pleasing my way through discomfort, I unpack why so many of us, especially as queer people, learn to perform rather than just exist. And why that exhaustion is often a sign that something deeper needs attention. I talk about the wounded inner child that still shows up in adult relationships, the gay shame that doesn't disappear when you come out, and why being busy, desirable, or constantly seen is rarely the same as actually feeling okay. This is an honest conversation about therapy, identity, and self-worth. A reminder that getting to know yourself isn't about being broken. It's about finally showing up as you. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Follow me on Instagram [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] & TikTok too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

why rejection breaks us

In this episode, I explore why rejection hurts far more than we give it credit for, and why for so many of us, especially as queer people, it cuts straight to the bone. From being ghosted to the collapse of a relationship you thought was everything, I unpack why the pain isn't just about losing someone. It's about the younger version of you who never felt chosen, wanted, or safe. Drawing on psychology and neuroscience, I look at why the brain registers rejection like physical pain, how childhood wounds and gay shame show up in our adult relationships, and why brushing it off rarely makes it go away. This is an honest conversation about heartbreak, identity, and self-worth, and a reminder that if it hit hard, it was never just about them. ___ Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Follow me on Instagram [https://instagram.com/james_wallis]& TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

why is the gay community sometimes a bit sh*t?

In this episode, I explore the complicated reality of feeling like an outsider within the gay community, even after coming out. From the unspoken pressure to look, act, and perform a certain way, to the fragility of gay friendships and the loneliness that can exist in the middle of a packed nightclub, I unpack why belonging can feel so elusive. Drawing on psychological frameworks like the Minority Stress Model and the concept of the "wounded child," I examine how early shame, identity-eroding comparison, and validation-seeking behaviours shape our adult relationships and sense of self. This is an honest take on loving a community while also being frankt about the ways it can fall short, and a reminder that you're far from alone in feeling like you don't quite fit in. Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.