understanding the validation loop

understanding the validation loop

In this episode, I talk about the validation loop - and why no amount of likes, compliments, or achievements will ever fill the hole we've been trying to fill since we were kids. There's a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from spending your whole life being loved for a version of yourself you've carefully constructed. You get the job, the body, maybe even the guy - and still something feels hollow. If you know that feeling, this one's for you. In this episode, I walk through the three stages of the validation loop - the performance, the achievement, and the collapse - and why so many of us in the gay community end up trapped in it. Drawing on Jung's idea of the persona, Alan Downs' work in The Velvet Rage, and some hard-won personal reflection, I explore how growing up feeling like something was fundamentally wrong with us taught us to earn our place in every room we walked into. And I talk about what it actually looks like to start breaking the cycle - not through another glow-up or a busier schedule, but by getting honest about the parts of yourself you've been hiding. Because the hunger was never really for validation. It was always for integration. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Follow me on Instagram [https://instagram.com/james_wallis]& TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] too for even more content Thank you as always x Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

the drama triangle: the best thing I learnt in therapy?

In this episode, I talk about one of the most useful things I've ever learned in therapy — and why I think it changes everything once you see it. Most of us have been in conflict that just doesn't make sense. The friendship that keeps blowing up. The relationship that runs in circles. The moment you realise you've spent years trying to fix everyone else's problems and somehow ended up feeling like the villain anyway. I walk through a psychological framework called the Drama Triangle - what it is, the three roles we unconsciously slip into, and why it hits differently when you've grown up gay. Because when shame, people-pleasing, and the need to be liked have been baked into you since childhood, these patterns run deep. This one is about understanding the scripts we didn't know we were following - and what it looks like to finally start rewriting them. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Follow me on Instagram [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] & TikTok [http://tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

how much did you sacrifice to survive?

In this episode, I talk about the quiet sacrifices so many of us made just to get through - and why it's never too late to start taking them back. Coming out is sold to us as the finish line. But what nobody talks about is everything you had to quietly give up to reach it. For most gay men, survival hasn't meant dramatic gestures. It's been the micro-adjustments. Softening your voice at work. Laughing off the joke. Saying "they" instead of "he." Curating every corner of your life to stay safe, stay liked, stay just palatable enough. I walk through what that slow erosion actually looks like, why it happens, and what it costs us. Why the build-up of unexpressed shame doesn't disappear with success - it often gets louder. Why rejection still hits like a verdict rather than just a disappointment. And why, when you've shaped yourself around everyone else's comfort for long enough, you start to lose track of what's actually you. This is an honest reflection on survival mode, the compromises we normalise, and what it means to stop performing your life and start reclaiming it. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] & TIKTOK [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_]TOO FOR EVEN MORE CONTENT Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

the velvet rage: the gay bible

In this episode, I talk about the book that helped me stop performing and finally start understanding myself, and why I keep coming back to it. The Velvet Rage is often called the gay bible, and for good reason. Alan Downs puts into words what so many of us have felt but couldn't name. The shame, the rage hiding beneath the smile, the exhausting cycle of chasing validation in love, at work, on social media, and in friendships. I walk through the ideas that hit me hardest. Why so much of our anger is actually shame in disguise. Why rejection feels catastrophic rather than just disappointing. And why being loved for your most polished, performative version of yourself will never be enough. This is an honest reflection on gay shame, authenticity, and what it actually looks like to stop living for the applause and start living for yourself. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Follow me on Instagram [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] & TikTok [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_]too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.

7 things therapy taught me

In this episode, I share seven things that three years of therapy taught me about being gay, growing up, and finally getting to know myself. From chasing validation to people-pleasing my way through discomfort, I unpack why so many of us, especially as queer people, learn to perform rather than just exist. And why that exhaustion is often a sign that something deeper needs attention. I talk about the wounded inner child that still shows up in adult relationships, the gay shame that doesn't disappear when you come out, and why being busy, desirable, or constantly seen is rarely the same as actually feeling okay. This is an honest conversation about therapy, identity, and self-worth. A reminder that getting to know yourself isn't about being broken. It's about finally showing up as you. Check out more queer topics in my Substack: https://jameswallis0.substack.com/ [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Follow me on Instagram [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] & TikTok too for even more content Want to go deeper? The Hey Gay Boy Substack is where I explore all of this in long form, with thousands of subscribers already in the community. Find it at jameswallis0.substack.com [https://jameswallis0.substack.com/] Come and say hello on Instagram @james_wallis [https://instagram.com/james_wallis] and TikTok @jameswallis_ [https://www.tiktok.com/@jameswallis_] If you'd like to support the podcast, you can buy me a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis. [https://buymeacoffee.com/jameswallis] Everything else is at linktr.ee/jameswallis [https://linktr.ee/jameswallis] ---------------------------------------- Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy [https://acast.com/privacy] for more information.