Irkutsk Ice Truckers Podcast

Imperial March in the Vatican as Superweapons Put on Display?

Catholics around the world have raised concerns about the content and atmosphere of last Wednesday’s General Audience by Pope Leo XIV in St. Peter’s Square, especially regarding the playing of the “Imperial Theme” from Star Wars as the Pope arrived, as well as some of the people in attendance. The IIT Staff cover the context, theories, and possible meanings of this papal audience in this video, including whether it sets a new tone for Pope Leo’s pontificate as he enters his 2nd year as Pope, what this might mean for the various camps in the Catholic world, as well as the broader geopolitical implications of some of what Pope Leo said and did in this general audience. Is Pope Leo sending a message to Trump with the displays of what appear to be highly advanced weaponry in St. Peter’s Square? Could the Vatican be less than two weeks away from nuclear weapons? Or something worse? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit irkutskice.substack.com [https://irkutskice.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

Mission Impossible: Pachamama -Trailer

UPDATED: After releasing details on this movie this morning [https://irkutskice.substack.com/p/mission-impossible-pachamama], people wanted to see the trailer, as did we, so with the help of some IIT intelligence agents, we found, or well, with some additional help, err, well, … here it is. Director Christopher McQuarrie is set to introduce yet another film, a ninth installment, in the Mission Impossible franchise later this year, but with a twist, as the protagonist, Agent Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) of the Impossible Missions Force, will become the villain. Titled Mission Impossible: Pachamama, the film will, according to its officially published storyline, feature a spy and action movie plot, but rather than the usual Tom Cruise doing incredible stunts storyline, Ethan Hunt will be transformed in some way into a demonic South American cult statue on display in the Vatican, while special agents Alexander Tschuggell and Fr. David Nix will have to deploy to stop the now villainous Hunt from corrupting the entire Church and casting its demonic spells on to all the inhabitants of Rome. Even with a different format, it has everything audiences love in a Mission Impossible movie, from spy moments with Dr. Taylor Marshall [https://substack.com/@drtaylormarshall] playing himself as the heist’s mastermind, action sequences like car chases through Rome with Fr. Nix and Tschuggell riding motorcycles across the rooftops of the Vatican, an attempt to extricate the Pachamama by U.S. special forces parachuting from low-earth-orbit, a romantic side plot with Alexander Tschuggell meeting his future wife at a Vespers officiated by Archbishop Schneider, and even some sort of side plot involving blocks of ice at Castel Gandolfo. Though Ethan Hunt is fictional, McQuarrie and Paramount Pictures insist that the film is based “loosely” on real 2019 era events, but that exaggeration and creative license are still rather minimal. “The real-life Pachamama heist was epic, and we can’t wait to take you along backstage on the incredible, nearly impossible mission that Tschugguel and friends carried out,” McQuarrie commented. “Will Nix and Tschugguel be able to rescue and convert Ethan Hunt? How will Luce show up? Was he always the Pachamama all along, or did he merely attend one too many shamanistic prayer sessions and get possessed by it? You’ve got to watch to find out!” The film drops April 31st, 2026. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit irkutskice.substack.com [https://irkutskice.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

A Trappist Podcast: The Sound of Silence: Episode 1

Irkutsk Ice Truckers is proud to be the official distributor for a new podcast produced by the Cistercians of the Strictest Observance (Trappist) monks of Our Lady of Bethlehem Abbey in Atqasuk, Alaska. Featuring lively discussions between Abbot Louis, their prior, Brother Athanasius, and featured guests, the podcast, The Sound of Silence, will focus on all aspects of the Cistercian spirituality, the Trappists’ life, what it’s like inside their monastery in upper Alaska above the Arctic Circle, as well as discussion from the Trappist perspective about political and cultural issues in today’s world. It was a hard fight for Irkutsk Ice Truckers to acquire the distribution rights to such a unique and unexpected thing as a Trappist podcast, as Trappists are known for their silence and reclusiveness and don’t usually engage with the outside world. When the news first broke that a few Trappists might be willing to change that, Pelican+ put in a large bid, as did the DailyWire, with our competitor Herod’s Herald [https://substack.com/profile/367742794-herods-herald] also reportedly having tried to acquire the rights to the podcast as well. However, with IIT’s preexisting connections (and infiltration of) various Catholic religious orders [https://irkutskice.substack.com/p/the-35-most-closely-guarded-secrets?utm_source=publication-search], we were able to pull enough strings to get the rights to this exclusive look inside the silence and mystery of the Trappists. The first episode, a meditative and reflective conversation between Abbot Louis, known for being silent and reflective, and Brother Athanasius, similarly renowned, featured a lively yet reflective discussion on what it means to properly reflect on reflecting on the nature of reflective silence. We enjoyed listening to, recording, and editing this incredible conversation by the Trappists, filled with meditative pauses to help listeners meditate on the incredible message the monks are sharing with the world through their new endeavor, and we’re sure you will to. Listen to the first episode now, exclusively on Irkutsk Ice Truckers, and expect new episodes every week. Please note that there are large pauses and large areas of silence in the discussion due to the Trappist vows of silence. Actually, there might not be any words in the whole discussion at all, come to think of it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit irkutskice.substack.com [https://irkutskice.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

GIA Publications Releases "Omnes Grati", a Latin Translation of Marty Haugen Favorite "All Are Welcome"

GIA Publications, maker of the infamous Gather hymnal, excitedly released a hymn today that they are sure will bring them business from Catholic rad-trads, a translation of all-time Marty Haugen favorite “All Are Welcome” into Latin. GIA, a “Catholic Inc” organization that isn’t even Catholic but which has a stranglehold, along with OCP Press, on music in most Catholic parishes, has been worried for a while that its monopoly won’t do itmuch good in the future, given that all of Catholicism’s growth is focused on parishes and communities around the Traditional Latin Mass. GIA publishes little music that works with the TLM, but has been scrambling in their musical laboratories and archeological digs for some time to come up with a solution that will help them retain their dominance in the market for Catholic music. Enter their solution: translating the very best of Novus Ordo hymnography into LATIN and then getting the USCCB to mandate that it be used in TLMs because it’s in LATIN! “We’re sure that they’ll buy it up,” said Arthur McGrath, CEO of GIA Publications. “Surely those TLM people only go there for the Latin, so we can obviously take over the market for their music by giving them the New Pentecost bangers of community, fraternity, liberty, equality, and socialism that will replace their rugged individualism of traditionalism with the warmth of collectivism and modernism. And, of course, if they refuse to buy it, we’ll just make it mandatory that they buy it. Easy money right there, which is exactly why I’m CEO of the biggest corporation in Catholic Inc.” Several months ago GIA archeologists found an ancient, mysterious circular disk (an ancient Roman record recording!) which proved that Marty Haugen’s “Gather Us In” was actually “Congrega Nos”, an early 3rd century composition by St. Hippolytus but they’ve since been hard at work translating other songs into Latin, in order to have a complete TLM-oriented hymnal ready in the coming year for bishops to mandate to be used at all TLMs. Marty Haugen’s “All Are Welcome” is the first one they’ve finished translating into it’s Latin version, “Omnes Grati”, but they’re also hard at work on “Fac Differntiam” (Go Make A Difference), “Dominus Saltationis” (Lord of the Dance) and others, “sure to warm,” McGrath says, “even the hardest of trad hearts and get them ready to join in the continued glories of Vatican II.” “Vatican II did everything right. It just hasn’t been implemented fully yet. We need more guitar Masses, more music like this, and, obviously, more bubbles, banners, and balloons (and clowns),” commented Cardinal Arnold Robelche of the Vatican dicastery for the liturgy. “This great new endeavor by GIA Publications will help ensure that the Spirit of Vatican II has a chance to reach even the most hardcore of traditionalists.” Lyrics Here is the full text of the Latin version of “All Are Welcome”, or “Omnes Grati”: Frabricemus domum amoriEt omnes habitantoLocus sanctis relātū discendī cordium Fabricatus sperum et somniumSaxum fidei crypta gratiaeAmor Christi finite partesOmnes grati, omnes gratiOmnes grati, in hoc loco Frabricemus domum prophetisEt verbis verissimisLiberi audent quarereRegnum somnire rursus Hic crux stababit cognitorEt symbolum gratiaeHic ut unum procreamus fidemOmnes grati, omnes gratiOmnes grati, in hoc loco Fabricemus domum amoriAqua vino frumentoConvivium in terra sanctaEt paci et justitiae Hic amor Dei per JesumMonstratur in tempore Dum cena Christi liberat nosOmnes grati, omnes gratiOmnes grati, in hoc loco Fabricemus domum extendoManus post ligneum saxisSanare, servare, docereEt vivere Verbum Hic exsul et alienus Monstrant imaginem DeiDesinemus timori et periculoOmnes grati, omnes grati Omnes grati, in hoc loco Fabricemus domum nominatibusCantici auditi suntAmati docti postulatiqueSicut verba intra Verbum Facti lacrimis risisqueOrationes et cantici Praedicat pavimento ad tectumOmnes grati, omnes grati (omnes grati)Omnes grati, in hoc loco Omnes grati, omnes grati (omnes grati)Omnes grati, in hoc loco PLEASE PARDON THE BAD LATIN GRAMMAR. It’s hard to make Latin’s greater number of syllables fit metrically into the same recording. Here’s Haugen’s original if you haven’t yet avoided experiencing the cringe in English: And if you want to hear solely me singing (as I didn’t get my singing fully aligned with the music track, here’s me singing “Omnes Grati” below without accompaniment: See our translation of “Gather Us In” into “Congrega Nos” here: Which song should we (err, I mean, GIA Publications) translate next? Let us know below! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit irkutskice.substack.com [https://irkutskice.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

IIT EXCLUSIVE: "Gather Us In" Discovered to be a Traditional Latin Hymn

The Discovery Historians and archeologists focused on the early Church have made a shocking discovery, announced today. Deep in the catacombs of Rome, an ancient, mysterious circular disk was discovered that turned out to be—get this!—an ancient Roman record recording of a Church song that all of us thought was composed recently after Vatican II by “Marty Haugen.” It turns out, the historian (and IIT correspondent AND former or maybe current FBI agent) Andrew Parker [https://substack.com/profile/314893967-andrew-parker] tells us, who just so happens to be employed by Catholic Inc., GIA Publications, and OCP Press, that the song “Gather Us In” actually was an early 3rd century composition by St. Hippolytus and isn’t a cringe leftover from the revolutionary 70s but is actually highly traditional. Entitled “Congrega Nos” in its original Latin, IIT managed to obtain an exclusive computer-repaired version of the ancient Roman record of the song in its original Latin, which appears to conveniently confirm every Vatican II era belief about “resourcement” and how the early Church celebrated the liturgy. “Vatican II did everything right. It just hasn’t been implemented fully yet. We need more guitar Masses, more music like this, and, obviously, more bubbles, banners, and balloons (and clowns),” commented Cardinal Arnold Robelche of the Vatican dicastery for the liturgy. “This discovery proves that everything we, with help from our friends at GIA publications, have been trying to do to the liturgy for 60 years just needs to be tried even harder.” Apparently, if the apparent baby voice of the singer on the track is any hint, they had babies as cantors back in the 3rd century Church, which is making many people on the cutting edge of synodality propose that maybe we need to introduce that into the modern liturgy. Controversy Traditionalists are questioning the authenticity of the recording, including questioning the idea that ancient Rome had record players, but Fr. Martin James S.J. told IIT that “those backward trads just aren’t living in the spirit. If we look hard enough, we’ll find that the early Church sang all the great hymns from ‘All Are Welcome’ to even the Dan Schutte ‘Gloria.’” Cardinal Tagle, for one, can’t wait to add the new song to his repertoire, and further boost his credentials as a trad-icon: The USCCB is already planning to mandate that the Latin version of the song be sung at every Mass (including every Latin Mass under their jurisdiction) this coming Sunday. Thanks for reading Irkutsk Ice Truckers! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. “See, I love tradition,” said Bishop Melvin of Charlotte, NC. “Trads should love me.” Lyrics Here is our transcription of the song “Congrega Nos”, which it appears merely to have been rediscovered and translated by Marty Haugen in the 1970s. Lumen profluit Hic in hoc loco, Nunc tenebrae evanescereIn hac cella timores nostrasDuctum hic tibi in luce die Congrega nos, illi perditiCongrega nos, caeci illiAdvoca nos nunc, exsurgemusExcitemus in illo sono Sumus iuvenes, mysteriaSumus veti, desideratiCantati sumus per saeculaVocati lumen populis Congrega nos, dives et superbi —Congrega nos, elati et fortesDa nos cor illa humilis estDa nos virtutem intrare cantem Hic accipemus vinum aquamqueHic accipemus panem novam…Hic vocabis filii et filiaeVoca nos saltem esse ad terram Permitta nos bibere vinumPermitta nos edere panem tuiNutri nos bene et doce nosUt faciamus vitas sanctas Non in tenebrosis basiumNon in caelo longinquē adestSed hic in hoc lumen profluitNunc regnum est, nunc dies est illa Congrega nos, et tene aeternumCongrega nos, et faci tui Congrega nos, omnia unaIgnis amoris in caro ossaqueIgnis amoris in caro ossaque PLEASE PARDON THE BAD LATIN GRAMMAR. It’s hard to make Latin’s greater number of syllables fit metrically into the same recording. AND SOMEHOW WE MADE THE THEOLOGY EVEN WORSE! Here’s Haugen’s original if you haven’t yet avoided experiencing the cringe in English: And if you want another (non-baby) voice recording of the track, here’s an alternative version with the original (my) voice: Which song should we translate (err, try to discover) next? This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit irkutskice.substack.com [https://irkutskice.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]