Suicide.
Suicide
It is a space, a space where no one else can reach you. It is the emptiness of all emptiness' it is depression. I had a million things to hold on to, but nothing could fill the space of time. You can hear yourself laughing, and you can feel yourself smile, and your everyday experiences justkeep rolling by.
Did I brush my teeth this morning? Did I fill the car with fuel? Did I say goodbye to the children? Did I forget something on my shopping list? What did I forget?
I had planned to have tea with my friends. But nothing seems to connect. It is just a space within a space. It is not that we forget. It is just time. You never know when the depression will happen again, and you don't know whether it will ever stop, and you pray to God that it will end quickly.
You think of a million of things that would hold you here,and then all thoughts disappear, and once again, you are left with emptiness. It is space a space of depression of all time; it does not mean that we do not love our loved ones, and it does not mean we do not want to be happy. It is a time frame of one second of one moment of time. I do know it is very hard to explain.
I do know it is a sickness, and I know it is always with me,at all times just waiting, and when there is no one else with us, we look to the sky for answers, but there is none.
We feel ourselves turning and twisting inside, trying to keep the thoughts away, sometimes, it is just like a flick of the switch, and a light comes in, and once again, we are ourselves.
People used to tell me that God does not forgive suicides. I can tell you they are wrong. There is always someone waiting and waiting for that one moment of time when we feel once more the time frame of life itself.
I have heard that phrase many times in my books. There is no other way to explain when we say it is a moment of time; that is exactly what it is. I ask for forgiveness,from our loved ones, for not holding their hand a little longer.
Be not the judge, and you shall not be judged, for this is the beginning and not the end. Once again, we will journey through time. And find the place that holds us safely until,once more, we will return to the things we love and miss most.
To find a place of belonging and contentment, a place where we can forgive ourselves. But most of all, a place where we can return to our loved ones and try to help them understand the ways of suicide. Please do not judge us, and please forgive us.
By Pam McCagh. © copyright ©
