Real Positive Change: Creative Renewal for Women

Episode 37 - Learning to Trust the Woman You are Becoming

Podcast 37 - Learning to Trust the Woman You Are Becoming Real Positive Change Podcast Event is July 13-17,  2026 - ONLINE -  Live Calls @ 4:00 pm Central - Replays Hello friends, and welcome back to Real Positive Change. Today I want to talk about something that has been on my heart for quite a while. Over the past several months, I've become aware of the struggles many women around me are facing. Some have lost their spouse through death. Some are walking through divorce. Others are still married, but life has changed. Their spouse may be dealing with illness, work demands, caregiving responsibilities, or simply unable to carry the added burdens that life has recently presented. Whatever the reason, these women find themselves carrying more than they ever expected. And with that comes a flood of thoughts: "I can't do this." "This is too much." "I don't know what to do." "I have no one to help me." "How am I going to handle all of this?" Maybe you've had some of those thoughts yourself. What strikes me is that the challenge isn't always the situation itself. It's that life has changed, and the woman who used to navigate life in one season is now being asked to navigate a completely different season. What worked before may not work now. The routines are different. The responsibilities are different. The support systems may be different. And often this change is unexpected and unwelcome. Most women naturally ask: "How do I survive being alone?" But I don't think that's the question underneath the question. I think the deeper question is: How do I trust the woman I am becoming? Because change, whether we want it or not, creates a new season. And every new season asks something new of us. Today's main thought is this: Keep the strengths that have shaped you. Release the fears that limit you. Trust God as you become the woman this season requires. I want you to hold onto that thought as we talk today. Because I believe many women spend so much time mourning who they used to be that they never stop to notice who they are becoming. Now don't misunderstand me. Grief is real. Loneliness is real. Disappointment is real. I'm not suggesting we ignore those feelings. In fact, I think part of healing is allowing ourselves to sit with them. To acknowledge them. To honor them. But not to build a permanent home there. You can feel grief without becoming grief. You can feel loneliness without becoming defined by loneliness. You can miss what was while still moving toward what is next. That's a difficult balance. But it is possible. One of the things I've learned over the years is that there is a difference between being alone and feeling alone. Being alone is a circumstance. Feeling alone is an emotional experience. Many women are surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. Others spend large amounts of time by themselves and feel deeply connected to God, friends, family, and purpose. The difference is often found in the stories our mind tells us. When something difficult happens, our brain immediately begins trying to make sense of it. And often those thoughts sound like: "I wasn't prepared for this." "I can't handle this." "I don't know enough." "Everything depends on me." The problem is that those thoughts create fear. Not necessarily because they are true. But because they feel true. And when we feel afraid, our mind wants to solve everything all at once. Have you noticed that? The mind starts racing through next week, next month, next year. It wants guarantees. It wants certainty. It wants a map. But confidence isn't built by solving your entire future. Confidence is built by handling today. One phone call. One bill. One doctor's appointment. One difficult conversation. One decision. One next step. That's it. And honestly, that's good news. Because most of us can manage one step. The problem comes when we try to carry tomorrow, next month, and next year all at the same time. I often think about a flashlight. A flashlight doesn't illuminate the entire road. It illuminates enough for the next few steps. And that's often how God works. He gives us enough light for today. Not because He's withholding something from us. But because He wants us to walk with Him. Not ahead of Him. One of the biggest struggles I see in women during these seasons is trying to figure out what to keep and what to let go of. They know life has changed. They know they can't go back. But they aren't sure what parts of themselves belong in this new season. Here's what I would say. Keep your faith. Keep your compassion. Keep your kindness. Keep your creativity. Keep your resilience. Keep your wisdom. Keep your love for others. Keep your ability to persevere. Those qualities are part of who you are. But maybe it's time to release some things too. Maybe it's time to release the belief that you have to do everything alone. Maybe it's time to release the idea that asking for help is weakness. Maybe it's time to release the belief that your worth comes from how much you do for everyone else. Maybe it's time to release the need to have all the answers before taking action. You see, many of the strategies that protected us in one season become burdens in another. And that's okay. We don't have to criticize the woman we've been. She got us here. She carried us through hard things. She did the best she could with what she knew. We can thank her. And then gently release what is no longer needed. Another thing I want to mention is that healthy thoughts are not the same as positive thinking. Healthy thoughts are realistic thoughts.  They are faith driven thinking. For example: Instead of saying, "I can't do this," you might say, "I haven't done this before, but I can learn." Instead of, "I'm all alone," you might say, "I feel alone right now, but I am not without support." Instead of, "I have to figure out the rest of my life," you might say, "I only need enough light for today." Do you feel the difference? These thoughts don't deny reality. They simply create room for courage. And courage is often what we need most. The truth is, trust isn't built through certainty. Trust is built through evidence. Every difficult conversation you handle. Every challenge you survive. Every new skill you learn. Every obstacle you overcome. You are collecting evidence. Evidence that says: "I can trust myself to figure things out." And more importantly: "I can trust God to meet me here." One of the deepest fears women carry is the question: "What if I don't have what it takes?" But God never asked us to be self-sufficient. He asks us to walk with Him. His promise was never that the road would be easy. His promise was that we would not walk it alone. And that changes everything. Before we finish today, I want to share something exciting. For those of you listening close to the release of this episode, I'm going to be hosting a special online creative retreat called Tiny Book of Becoming: One Small Step at a Time. It's a five-day creative retreat where we'll create a beautiful tiny book together. Each section of the book helps us notice the ways we are growing, learning, trusting, and becoming. It's really going to be an artful journwey A chance to slow down, reflect, create, and collect evidence of God's faithfulness in our lives. If today's message resonates with you, I think you'll absolutely love it. I'll share the details in the show notes. As we close, I want to leave you with this thought: You may not be where you want to be yet. But don't overlook how far you've come. The woman you are becoming may feel unfamiliar. But unfamiliar does not mean incapable. You are not starting from nothing. You are building on a lifetime of faith, wisdom, resilience, creativity, and experience. Keep the strengths that have shaped you. Release the fears that limit you. Trust God as you become the woman this season requires. One day. One decision. One faithful step at a time. Until next time, take good care of yourself, and remember, real positive change happens one thought, one choice, and one small step at a time.

Episode 36 - The Space in between Shame and Blame

The Space Between Shame and Blame The House I've Been Living In Have you ever noticed how quickly we judge ourselves when we're struggling? We tell ourselves we're doing life wrong. We should be happier. We should be stronger. We should have figured this out by now. Or we move in the opposite direction and start blaming someone else. If only they had changed. If only life had been different. If only circumstances had worked out another way. When we are hurting, our mind naturally wants an explanation. Blame points outward. Shame points inward. But there is a third place we can stand. A place right in the middle. And that place is curiosity. In the middle, we still take ownership of our choices, but we stop making ourselves the problem. We set ourselves free. Because there is nothing wrong with you as a person. There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely. Nothing wrong with feeling exhausted. Nothing wrong with feeling disappointed. Nothing wrong with feeling afraid. Your feelings are not evidence that you are failing. They are information. They are invitations to pay attention. Most of us learned ways of thinking, reacting, coping, protecting, pleasing, achieving, withdrawing, controlling, or caretaking because those things served us. The way you've been doing life has been useful. It has gotten you this far. It has protected you. It has helped you survive difficult seasons. So when you begin noticing patterns that no longer serve you, there is no need to attack yourself. You don't need more shame. You don't need another self-improvement project. You don't need another thing on your to-do list. The invitation is simply to become curious. Instead of asking: "What's wrong with me?" Ask: "What story am I living from right now?" That's a very different question. Because now we are not looking for a problem. We are looking for understanding. I often think about it this way. I love the woman I have been up until now. She has carried me through difficult seasons. She has shown up when things were hard. She has done the best she could with what she knew. But life changes. Seasons change. Needs change. And eventually we have to ask: Who do I want to become now? Not because who I've been is wrong. But because life is inviting me into something new. And that's where fear often shows up. Because the version of you that has gotten you this far has worked very hard. She has protected you. She has developed habits and ways of thinking that have served you well. And she will be afraid to let go. The challenge isn't becoming a completely different person. The challenge is letting go of the parts that no longer fit. Not all of her. Just parts of her. And that's scary. Which is why observation is so important. Instead of saying: "I'm doing this wrong." Try saying: "I see that I've done it this way in the past." "I wonder what would happen if I tried something different." Do you feel the difference? One creates shame. The other creates possibility. One closes the door. The other opens it. So rather than becoming the judge of your life, become the observer of your life. Become curious. Become the detective. Like Sherlock Holmes, begin gathering clues. Observe your thoughts. Observe your reactions. Observe your feelings. Ask yourself: What am I believing right now? What am I afraid might happen? What am I trying to protect? What need am I trying to meet? Because underneath every reaction is usually a story. And stories are discovered in layers. Not all at once. Layer by layer. Which is why creativity can be such a beautiful companion in this process. Creative Exercise: The House I've Been Living In This isn't a project to finish. This isn't a project to do perfectly. This is an ongoing conversation with yourself. Begin with a journal page, watercolor paper, or mixed media paper. Start by adding a layer. Torn paper. Paint. Tissue paper. Book pages. Anything you like. Then draw several horizontal lines across your page. Let them gently rise and fall like rolling hills. Imagine they are pathways moving through your life. Choose one line. Somewhere along that path draw a simple house. Nothing fancy. Just a roof. A door. A few windows. This house represents the person you have been up until now. The house you've been living in. Around the house, write words that describe who you've been. Caretaker. Strong. Responsible. Independent. People pleaser. Helper. Provider. Creative. Anxious. Organized. Whatever feels true. As you look at the house, remember: This is not a house to criticize. This is a house to honor. It got you here. It served a purpose. It provided shelter. It protected you. Then continue drawing along your path. Add trees. Lots of trees. Tall trees. Short trees. Skinny trees. Crooked trees. Strong trees. Place them all along your rolling hills. As you draw each tree, simply pause. Take a breath. Listen. Notice what thought, memory, feeling, or word comes to mind. Then write it beside the tree. Don't overthink it. One word is enough. A phrase is enough. A question is enough. Maybe a tree says: Fear. Maybe another says: Lonely. Maybe another says: Loved. Maybe one says: Tired of carrying everything. Maybe another says: What do I want now? There is no right answer. The trees simply become markers along the path. Moments of awareness. Moments of observation. Moments of pause. And here's the important part: You do not need to finish the page. In fact, I hope you don't. Leave room. Come back tomorrow. Add another tree. Add another word. Add another path. Add another layer. Because the story isn't discovered all at once. The story reveals itself slowly. Just like life. One layer at a time. One tree at a time. One question at a time. And as you walk this creative path, notice that you are no longer standing in the boxing ring of shame and blame. You are standing in curiosity. You are standing in compassion. You are standing in grace. And from that place, you can begin creating the next version of yourself—not because there is something wrong with you, but because there is still more of you waiting to be discovered.   This would pair beautifully with your closing thought: "Art gives us a place to observe our story without having to defend it. It calms our nerves and allows the deepest changes to happen.

Episode 35 - Change People Pleasing to Christ Centered Living

You want to be creative, but you are tired of looking for ideas of what to create.  Maybe you time is limited and you would love having a place that you could choose classes from painting to journal making.  Take a moment and click on over to https://cathyfreemanart.com [https://cathyfreemanart.com].  Coming up with ideas of what to create will never be a problem again.  In My Art Sisters, I provide new online classes every month.  Classes are easy to access and always available for our art members.   Take a moment and visit our site.   One of the greatest emotional struggles many people quietly carry is the fear of disappointing others. We do not always call it people-pleasing. Sometimes we call it: being nice , being helpful being easygoing being loving being selfless But underneath it can often be something much deeper: a fear of rejection a fear of conflict a fear of being misunderstood a fear of losing connection a fear of not being loved And what makes this difficult is that many people who struggle with people-pleasing are genuinely kind-hearted people. They care deeply. They are compassionate. Empathetic. Sensitive. Helpful. But somewhere along the way, the nervous system began associating approval with safety. “If everyone is happy with me… then I’m okay.” “If no one is upset with me… then I’m safe.” “If I keep the peace… then I will feel secure.” And because of that, boundaries can feel terrifying. Honesty can feel dangerous. Even simple words like: “No.” “I can’t.” “That doesn’t work for me.” “I need rest.” can create anxiety inside the body. Tightness in the chest. Guilt. Panic. Overexplaining. Fear. Second-guessing. Why? Because the nervous system interprets disapproval as emotional danger. And this is important to understand: People-pleasing is often not simply a personality trait. It is a learned survival strategy. Many people learned early in life to stay emotionally useful. And what I mean by emotionally useful is this: You became highly aware of other people’s emotions. You learned how to: keep the peace avoid conflict comfort others manage tension make life easier for everyone else Maybe being helpful earned approval. Maybe staying quiet avoided criticism. Maybe caretaking created connection. Maybe keeping everyone emotionally comfortable helped you feel secure. So your nervous system slowly built an internal equation: “If people are pleased with me, then I am safe.” But eventually this creates exhaustion. Because you begin carrying everyone else emotionally while quietly abandoning yourself. And this is where resentment often appears. Not because you are selfish. But because the soul can only override its own truth for so long before it becomes emotionally exhausted. And this is where Christ-centered living changes everything. Because healing people-pleasing is not about becoming harsh, selfish, or uncaring. It is about shifting whose approval defines you. When our identity becomes rooted primarily in other people’s reactions, emotions, or opinions, we become emotionally unstable because human approval constantly changes. People are inconsistent. Emotional. Imperfect. Distracted. Sometimes wounded themselves. One day they approve of you. The next day they may misunderstand you. If your peace depends on constant approval, your nervous system will remain trapped in emotional hypervigilance. Always scanning: “Are they upset?” “Did I disappoint them?” “Do they still love me?” “Should I fix this?” “What do they think about me?” That is exhausting. But Christ-centered living slowly teaches the nervous system a different truth: My worth is not determined by human approval. When your heart becomes anchored in Christ instead of approval, something powerful begins happening internally. You stop needing every person to validate you in order to feel okay. Not because you stop caring about people. But because your identity becomes steadier. You begin realizing: I can disappoint someone and still be loved by God. I can set boundaries and still be kind. I can say no without becoming selfish. I can be honest without being cruel. I do not have to abandon myself to maintain temporary peace. That is emotional freedom. And honestly, this work is deeply spiritual because so much of people-pleasing is rooted in fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of conflict. Fear of abandonment. Fear of losing connection. Fear of being “bad.” But scripture repeatedly reminds us: God did not create us to live enslaved to fear. Christ-centered living helps calm the nervous system because it moves us from: “What will everyone think of me?” to: “Am I walking in truth, wisdom, honesty, and love?” That shift changes everything. Now this does not mean boundaries suddenly feel easy. Your nervous system may still react. You may still feel guilt when saying no. You may still feel anxiety when disappointing someone. You may still feel uncomfortable when someone misunderstands you. But now you begin learning how to sit with that discomfort instead of immediately abandoning yourself to remove it. That is growth. Because emotionally mature boundaries often feel uncomfortable before they feel peaceful. Especially for those who spent years overfunctioning emotionally. And this is where we must learn to calm the nervous system spiritually and physically. When you feel the urge to people-please: pause. Breathe slowly. Pray before reacting. Sit quietly with God before immediately fixing everything. Allow the nervous system to settle before responding emotionally. Ask yourself: “Am I acting from love… or from fear?” “Am I helping because I genuinely want to… or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone?” “Am I seeking peace… or am I avoiding discomfort?” Those questions create awareness. And awareness interrupts automatic patterns. This is also where creativity can become deeply healing. Instead of spiraling mentally: paint journal collage stitch write prayers sit with color and quietness Creativity helps regulate the nervous system because it slows the mind and reconnects the body to the present moment. And often when the nervous system calms, clarity returns. One of the healthiest truths a recovering people-pleaser can learn is this: Someone else’s disappointment is not always an emergency. That sentence can feel shocking at first. Especially if your nervous system has spent years trying to keep everyone emotionally comfortable. But Christ never called us to live controlled by fear of human reaction. He called us to live rooted in truth, wisdom, love, peace, and obedience to God. And sometimes obedience requires honesty. Sometimes it requires boundaries. Sometimes it requires disappointing people. Even Jesus disappointed people. Not because He lacked love… but because truth and love are not the same thing as constant approval. That realization is incredibly freeing. Because Christ-centered living is not about becoming emotionally hard. It is about becoming emotionally steady. Gentle without collapsing. Kind without self-erasure. Loving without losing yourself. Honest without guilt controlling you. And perhaps one of the most healing things your nervous system can slowly learn is this: I do not need everyone’s approval to be secure. I am already loved by God. And when that truth becomes deeply rooted inside the heart, people-pleasing slowly begins losing its power. Not overnight. But one honest boundary… one truthful conversation… one peaceful no… one surrendered fear at a time. And maybe that is what true freedom really looks like. Not becoming less loving. But finally becoming free enough to love others without abandoning yourself in the process.

Episode 34 - Disappointment - Loosening Its Grip

READY FOR SOME CREATIVE GUIDANCE?   VISIT MY WEBSITE:  HTTPS://REALPOSITIVECHANGE.COM One of the hardest emotional experiences we face is disappointment in relationships. Especially when we have been the giver. The encourager. The helper. The listener. The dependable one. The one who shows up. And then one day…we find ourselves needing support too. We need someone to check on us. To comfort us. To notice us. To emotionally show up for us. But instead, we feel alone. And that disappointment can feel incredibly painful because it touches something much deeper than the moment itself. It can awaken feelings of rejection, abandonment, invisibility, or being emotionally unimportant. What is fascinating is that often the greatest suffering does not come only from what happened… It comes from what our mind begins to make the situation mean. Our thoughts are powerful. Because thoughts create emotions. Emotions drive reactions. And reactions create results. So when someone disappoints us, the first thing we often do is create a story. Maybe the story sounds like this: “They don’t care about me.” “I always give more than I receive.” “No one is ever there for me.” “I must not matter.” “If I mattered more, they would show up differently.” Now notice what those thoughts create emotionally. Hurt. Resentment. Loneliness. Anger. Bitterness. Sadness. And once those emotions build, they begin driving our reactions. Maybe we withdraw emotionally. Maybe we become cold. Maybe we overexplain ourselves. Maybe we people please even harder hoping to finally receive love back. Maybe we shut down. Maybe we spiral into overthinking. Maybe we emotionally eat. Maybe we replay conversations in our head all night long. And eventually those reactions create results. Distance. Miscommunication. Exhaustion. Emotional instability. More hurt. More disappointment. Which leads us to an important question: Is the reaction creating the result we actually wanted? Because most of us do not truly want disconnection. We want comfort. We want understanding. We want closeness. We want peace. But when our thoughts become painful, our reactions often move us farther away from the very thing we hoped for. This is why learning to manage our mind matters so much. Now this does not mean we pretend we are not hurt. It does not mean our needs are wrong. It does not mean we should tolerate unhealthy behavior. And it certainly does not mean we should never communicate our needs. But it does mean this: Our emotional peace cannot fully depend on another person behaving exactly the way we hoped they would. That realization can feel uncomfortable at first because many of us unconsciously believe: “If they would just change, then I could finally feel okay.” But emotional maturity begins when we realize that our inner stability cannot be handed over to someone else’s behavior. There is a space between what someone does and what we decide it means. And that space is where emotional freedom begins. For example: Someone forgets to call. One interpretation might be: “They do not care about me.” Another interpretation might be: “They may be overwhelmed, distracted, emotionally unaware, or simply different from me emotionally.” Now neither interpretation changes the actual event. But the meaning we assign to the event changes our emotional experience entirely. That is why two people can experience the exact same disappointment and respond completely differently. One spirals into pain and rejection. The other feels disappointed but remains emotionally steady. Why? Because thoughts shape emotional outcomes. Sometimes we unknowingly expect other people to love exactly the way we love. But not everyone has the same emotional capacity, awareness, communication style, or emotional maturity. Some people were never taught how to emotionally support others. Some people avoid emotions altogether because they never learned how to sit with discomfort. Some people are emotionally exhausted themselves. Some people genuinely care but express love differently. And yes…some people simply do not have the depth we hoped for. Understanding this does not erase disappointment. But it helps us stop personalizing every painful experience. Because when we personalize everything, we begin tying our worth to another person’s response. And that becomes emotionally dangerous. One of the healthiest things we can learn is this: Someone else’s inability to fully support me does not define my value. That is such an important truth. Because when disappointment hits, our brain often moves quickly toward self-protection. We either: * attack ourselves * attack the other person * or try harder to earn love But peace is found in slowing down before reacting. This is where creativity becomes such a beautiful tool for emotional regulation. Instead of immediately reacting from hurt… pause. Paint the emotion. Journal the thought. Create a collage around the feeling. Tear paper instead of tearing yourself apart mentally. Sit quietly with color and movement. Allow your nervous system to settle before deciding what the situation means. Because when emotions are high, clarity becomes low. Our brain moves into protection mode. And protection mode often exaggerates fear, rejection, and abandonment. But creativity helps bring us back into the present moment. It gives the mind space to breathe. And once the nervous system calms, we can ask ourselves better questions. “What am I making this mean?” “Is this thought helping me?” “What result will this reaction create?” “Is this response moving me toward peace or farther from it?” “What would emotional steadiness look like right now?” That does not mean we never have hard conversations. Sometimes boundaries are necessary. Sometimes communication is needed. Sometimes relationships truly are unhealthy. But emotionally healthy responses come from clarity…not emotional chaos. One of the most powerful things we can say to ourselves is: “I am disappointed, but I do not want my thoughts to create more suffering than the situation already has.” That sentence alone can change so much. Because often the original disappointment hurts… but then our mind adds layer after layer after layer. Future fears. Old memories. Worst-case scenarios. Rejection stories. Self-worth questions. And suddenly the pain becomes much bigger than the original moment. This is why learning to observe our thoughts is life changing. Not every thought deserves agreement. Some thoughts are simply fear talking. Some are old wounds talking. Some are exhaustion talking. Some are unmet childhood needs resurfacing. And when we learn to slow down and question those thoughts, we create space for emotional stability. The goal is not becoming emotionless. The goal is becoming emotionally aware. It is learning how to feel disappointment without becoming consumed by it. It is learning how to say: “That hurt me…” without turning it into: “I am unlovable.” It is learning how to acknowledge: “I wish they had shown up differently…” without concluding: “I have no worth.” That is emotional growth. And honestly, this work takes practice. Especially for those of us who are naturally nurturing, giving, sensitive, and emotionally invested in relationships. Because caring deeply is not weakness. But when our emotional wellbeing becomes fully dependent on how others respond to us, we begin losing our stability. True peace begins when we realize: I cannot control another person’s actions. But I can learn to guide my thoughts, calm my nervous system, and choose my response. That is where our power truly is. And perhaps one of the most freeing realizations of all is this: Not everyone will love us the way we hoped. Not everyone will show up the way we would show up. Not everyone has the capacity we wish they had. But we can still choose emotional steadiness. We can still choose wisdom over reaction. And maybe that is what emotional maturity really is. Not becoming hard. Not shutting down. Not pretending we do not hurt. But learning how to remain grounded without losing our softness, even when disappointment comes. And this is where creativity can become powerful too. Instead of immediately reacting,  consider these options: * paint the emotion * journal the thought * collage the disappointment * sit quietly with the feeling * let the nervous system settle before deciding what the situation means Because when the mind calms, clarity often follows. And sometimes the greatest freedom is realizing: Not everyone can love us the way we hoped. The goal is not to stop feeling disappointment. The goal is learning how to feel disappointment without letting it control your identity, your peace, or your reactions.   A healthier response may sound like: “I wish they had shown up differently. I feel hurt. But I do not want my thoughts to create more suffering than the situation already has.” That is emotional maturity. We can still choose how we think, respond, heal, and move forward in every situation..

Episode 33 - When Your Brain Reacts Before You Think

When Your Brain Reacts Before You Think   The Moment Between the Two Brains (And Why We Lose Ourselves) * When Your Brain Goes Downstairs: People Pleasing, Overeating, and Survival Today I want to go a little deeper into something we’ve been talking about… the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. And I want to make this really practical today. Because once you start seeing this pattern, you start noticing it everywhere. Not just in big emotional moments… but in small everyday reactions too. Like: * over-explaining in conversations * people pleasing * snapping and then regretting it * shutting down emotionally * overeating without even feeling hungry * scrolling for longer than you meant to * or feeling overwhelmed and just needing to escape And what I find so fascinating is this… All of those behaviors are actually connected to the same nervous system response.   The Two Brain Systems (Simple Explanation) So when we talk about the upstairs and downstairs brain, we’re really talking about two systems in the brain working at different speeds.   Downstairs Brain (Survival System) This includes things like the amygdala, the brainstem, and other fast-acting survival structures. And this part of the brain is quick. Very quick. It scans for anything that feels like danger—not just physical danger, but emotional or social danger too. So things like: * conflict * tone of voice * disappointment * pressure * emotional tension can all register as threat. And the downstairs brain reacts instantly: * “Fix it.” * “Get out of this.” * “Make it better quickly.” * “Do something now.” It’s not thinking. It’s protecting.   Upstairs Brain (Thinking + Regulation System) The upstairs brain is mainly the prefrontal cortex. This is the part that helps you: * think clearly * pause before reacting * regulate emotions * consider perspective * make intentional choices This is your grounded, wise self. The part of you that can say: “Let me slow down here.” “I don’t need to react immediately.” “I can choose how I want to respond.”   The Important Truth: They Work at Different Speeds And this is key… The downstairs brain is fast. The upstairs brain is slower. So in moments of stress, the emotional system often activates first. Before we even think about it. And sometimes it temporarily reduces access to clear thinking. This is often called an amygdala hijack—when the survival system takes over before the thinking system can fully engage. And that’s why it can feel like: “I know better… but I still reacted that way.” That’s not failure. That’s biology.   The Moment Between the Two Brains And here’s what I find really fascinating… There is a moment between the two brains. A small pause. A space. And that space is where everything changes. Because in that moment, you can either: go downstairs into reaction… or stay upstairs long enough to choose your response. But most of us were never taught how to stay in that pause. We were taught to: * be polite * avoid conflict * fix things quickly * smooth everything over * keep everyone happy * not make things uncomfortable So we learned speed over awareness. Reaction over reflection.   What Going “Downstairs” Actually Looks Like And this is where it gets really interesting… Because going downstairs doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like: * people pleasing * over-explaining * apologizing too quickly * freezing and going quiet * emotional shutdown * or needing to fix the relationship immediately And sometimes it doesn’t even show up in relationships. Sometimes it shows up in how we try to regulate ourselves.   The Nervous System’s Search for Relief Because here’s something really important… When the downstairs brain is activated, it is not just trying to think. It is trying to feel better quickly. So it will reach for anything that creates immediate relief. And that’s where we see patterns like: * overeating * emotional eating * scrolling on our phone * numbing out with distractions * people pleasing * over-functioning * or staying constantly busy And what’s so important to understand is this: These are not random habits. They are nervous system regulation strategies.   Overeating and the Downstairs Brain Let’s talk about overeating for a moment. Because this is something so many people experience quietly. When the nervous system feels overwhelmed, stressed, lonely, or emotionally full… the downstairs brain starts looking for fast comfort. And food is one of the quickest ways the brain knows how to change how we feel. Because food can: * increase dopamine (pleasure chemicals) * create soothing sensations * temporarily reduce stress * and bring a sense of comfort or grounding So the brain learns: “This helps me feel better quickly.” Not because something is wrong with you… but because your nervous system is trying to regulate itself.   And in that moment, the upstairs brain—the reflective part of you—has less access. So instead of asking: * “Am I hungry?” * “What do I actually need?” * “Am I tired or overwhelmed?” the system is just asking: “How do I feel better right now?” That’s downstairs brain thinking. Fast relief.   Why This Is Not About Willpower And I really want to be gentle here… Because this is not a willpower issue. This is not about discipline. This is about a nervous system trying to find relief from internal discomfort. And when we understand that, everything shifts. Because now we’re not asking: “What’s wrong with me?” We start asking: “What am I feeling that I don’t know how to hold right now?”   Why Women Especially Experience This And I think this is especially true for women. Because many women are constantly managing: * emotions in relationships * family needs * expectations * emotional environments * and internal pressure to keep everything okay So the nervous system becomes highly sensitive to: * tension * disappointment * conflict * emotional shifts in others And that can create a brain that goes “downstairs” very quickly. And then tries to restore safety quickly. Through people pleasing… or overeating… or over-functioning… or emotional shutdown. Different behaviors. Same system.   The Real Healing Point: Awareness of the Pause So what actually helps? It’s not eliminating emotion. It’s not never going downstairs. That’s not realistic. The healing point is awareness. Because once you can notice: “Oh… I’m downstairs right now.” You create the possibility of coming back. And that moment—that awareness—is everything.   The Pause Is a Biological Skill That pause between reaction and response is not just emotional maturity. It is your nervous system learning regulation. Because in that pause: * your breathing slows * your body begins to settle * the thinking brain can come back online * and you regain access to choice And that’s the goal. Not perfection. Awareness.   Creativity as a Way Back Upstairs And this is where I always come back to creativity. Because creativity naturally slows the nervous system. When you’re: * painting * collaging * journaling * working with color and texture your system begins to regulate. And something shifts. You move from reaction… into presence. And in that presence, you start hearing yourself again. Not fear. Not urgency. Not pressure. You. And sometimes in that space, you realize: * “I’m more overwhelmed than I thought.” * “I’ve been carrying too much.” * “I’ve been reacting all day without noticing.” * “I actually need something different.” Creativity gives you access to awareness before reaction.   Closing So maybe the question isn’t: “How do I stop reacting?” Maybe it’s: “Can I notice when I’m reacting… just a little sooner?” Because the upstairs brain is not far away. It doesn’t disappear. It just gets harder to access when the downstairs brain is loud. But it always returns through: * awareness * breath * pause * presence * and sometimes… creativity And from that place… you don’t just react to life. You begin to respond to it.