Wandering In The Way

Grimacing into Grace

A Poem and reflection about the greatest gift we could ever receive but maybe wish we didn't need, and struggle to accept.

Fhear

An honest, vulnerable, and raw spoken word on battling lies and fear, and overcoming them by encountering and trusting the voice of Truth.

The Work of Rest

The work of rest: I’m exhausted from work I’ve put in to accomplish a sense of success. Achieving things I’ve hoped and dreamed yet the one thing I can’t seem to conceive is, rest. Peace, calm, serenity, often allude me because of this perfectionistic plague consuming me.  On the outside everything looks it’s thriving, but on the inside I’m just surviving,  hanging by a thread, going from one thing to the next,  if I’m not busy with my job, I’m busy with my thoughts, tryna find things to figure out, grasping at straws, tryna find something wrong, but I’m really grasping at the air,  can’t grab a hold of anything but anxiety, can’t control my life anymore and honestly  I don’t need to but this the only way I’ve known so I cling to this fear that says  I’m not enough, haven’t done enough, and won’t amount to much...  unless I try harder, unless I do better, unless I scramble to find all the missing pieces to this puzzle I’m not even in charge of completing,  it’s like I’m looking for a phone that ain’t lost, only to realize it was in my hand the whole time,  maybe I’m actually fine.  Maybe I’m more than fine, maybe I’m enough, maybe I can just be, and everything will happen naturally, because Everything I need to be who God made me to be is already in me. And maybe this man who I thought I was supposed to be, trying to be perfect, and have it all together, isn’t who I’m supposed to be.  Maybe all this tension is fighting for my attention because my name’s already mentioned in the Book of Life.  Funny cuz my name actually means Rest. I’ve done more wrestling than resting. But as I wrote this The reflection of the sun on the waterfall I was sitting at had created the image of a rainbow, the sign of a promise from God, a reminder that the reflection of His image in this son, created a Noah. And that was His work, not mine.  The paradox is that my work is to rest, not to be the best.  When this gets put to the test,  I’m reminded as I’m writing this,  to refer to the tattoo on my chest that says: “Yahweh Tsidkenu” The Lord is my righteousness.

Settle Down Son

Settle Down Son- Fixated on things that are already fixed Disturbed by matters already dealt with Stressed by a trap that’s already sprung Worried about a battle that’s already won Settle down, son, I’ve already settled this.

To Be The Best

To Be the Best I’ve always wanted to be the best a childhood dream an admirable quest a deep desire for success In sports In school In family In life As an athlete a student a husband, a father a brother, a friend and a God-fearing man A dream I’ve chased a desire misplaced it seems in this race I’m always outpaced I’ve always wanted to be the best a wish more than a dream a never-ending quest a deep ache— never reaching my standard of success Intense insecurity performance anxiety comparison defensiveness The side effects of the substance I thought would solve my scarce sense of self-worth High off praise, a basket made drunk off admiration, a job well done buzzed by applause, a sermon well preached intoxicated by achievement, a birdie on eighteen Then comes the crash Needing more likes (refresh notifications) more affirmation (check the comment section) obsessed with the score—I always want more only to be attained by another accomplishment Only for a moment until the cycle starts again a never-ending loop unless I make the acknowledgment: If I want to be the best I will never rest I will always come up short in one way or another I will feel ashamed and inadequate I will envy others But there is another way a better goal to strive toward that sounds insane but truly wins the game It’s what every coach said not to do: “Give up.” Stop trying to be the best. You don’t need to be. You’re already loved. You already belong. You’re already a child of God. And you didn’t achieve that— you received it as a gift. Be excellent. Give your best effort. Work, love, and play with your whole heart. But do it from love, not for it. And give God all the glory. Don’t try to be the best. Instead, rest. You’d be surprised how He makes you the best that you can be. I dare you to try it. Put it to the test.