Made To Walk: Navigating Conflict

Safety Boundaries

The difference between the following boundaries is important to know: Physical boundaries: "I don't like you being that close to me." Emotional Boundaries: "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that." Safety Boundaries: "You can not do that because you could get very hurt." I hate the statement "Because I said so" You are not explaining the WHY behind an action. If all you focus on is the DON'T "Don't eat candy before bed" and you don't tell them the why "because it will give you energy and you'll have difficulty falling asleep and/or you could have restless sleep" you will lose the battle. I know this because it is natural for humans to be inquisitive. So when we say no and do not give a why people will investigate for themselves the why. Now let's focus on how important communicating the DO is. We want to replace the word don't with do. Instead of "Don't stand on the table." We might say "Can you do me a favor and sit on your bottom?" Remember that replacing a bad behavior must come with a good behavior and it takes 66 times of repetition on average to learn a new habit. You may feel frustrated at first but just keep going in your communication journey. Some feel like if I have been speaking to loved ones a certain way for too long then others will never believe they have changed. The only way to prove a change in communication is to continue to be consistent. We need to build trust and the way we do that is by communicating things that are truths and not impulsive feelings.  Kids do not know right from wrong until much later in life, therefore, we need to focus on teaching them that the adult decisions we make are with good reason. We can do this by focusing on What we are doing, Why we are doing it, and How we communicate our decisions.  The difference between safety boundaries and expectations is that expectations communicate perceptions, not truths. "I don't want you listening to that music because it's not Christian enough." This communicates your standard for your interpretation of what a Christian child should be like. An expectation can set an irrational opportunity for resentment. Resentment is very difficult to get around. Let's say your kids love rap and you can't stand secular lyrics, you must research to replace the behavioral interest with another similar healthier alternative. "Hey, I bought tickets to go see NF! I think you'll love this concert because I noticed you love rap music." This lets someone know you cared enough to pay attention to their interests, you are willing to meet them in the middle and introduce them to something similar in interest and you are willing to spend quality time with them in the effort. When we just say "You aren't allowed to listen to that music" we are saying you have failed me because you do not meet the standards of my expectations. This builds resentment.  Ask yourself does this statement affect the safety of my home?  If not does it need to be brought to the table? What about the middle lane? Something that feels like a safety-driven boundary that could also look like an expectation. "I don't like what you are wearing to church." If it is a safety boundary you will know because the WHY will be easy to narrate. Instead of the don't focus on the do. "I think the white dress you just bought looks flattering on you. You should wear that to church instead."  If you can't find a valid why, you have to ask yourself  "Why do I care so much? Is it because it embarrasses me? Is it because of my insecurities? Is it because of my childhood traumas?" You may want to dig into your why before projecting so you can keep positive relationships with those around you. Safety is a learned behavior. If we want to create safe adults who think of consequences we must teach them not only by words but by actions to mirror.

"How Can I Teach My Kids Not To Lose Their Faith?"

As Christian parents, it can feel like the best way to describe the world is by using scare tactics. However, I am about to show you why communicating through scare tactics will have a higher probability of failure to connect faith to practice.  Imagine we used the example that drinking alcohol leads to alcoholism which leads to death. There is a high probability your kids will meet someone in their life that has a beer from time to time that does not have an alcohol problem and that does not die from alcoholism. By using this narrative we open the door for a mistruth, "if you lied to me about this what other things are exaggerated lies?" Our goal is to connect our worldview and faith practically. We want to express the right things to do in a way our kids can mirror. The most embedded behaviors we gather in life are by witnessing how the most important people in our lives respond and react.  Creating the image of a God that is All-Knowing will help to set the positive fear of God in our kids. Knowing he is there to protect us and also that he will bring all that is done in the dark into the light. This helps set the self-reflection as well as a comfort that there is an all-knowing being that is protecting me. Everything you do is between you and God. You are responsible for owning to your choices not to me but to God himself.  We separate ourselves from the "owner" of our children and our goal is to be authoritative parents who prepare their kids for the plan that God has established for your kid's life.  Don't lean on feelings that are based on our own trauma-based experiences and therefore are projected onto our children.  How do we navigate communication and truth? Ask yourself what our kids haven't experienced yet and what will they likely experience. Are we equipping them with truth or are we equipping them with fear? Are we hoping others teach our kids what they need to know in life? Are we living a life that is contradicting the life we are telling our kids to live? live it don't just learn it (something I learned from my father) know it don't just just feel it (something I learned from my mother) Deter away from JUST being sin-focused. Don't shy away from it but make sure you aren't hanging your entire faith definition on narratives that have a possibility to be dispelled.  Deuteronomy 6:6-7

"A Church Or A Scam"

How do we set goals for a church that don't comprise the integrity of spiritual goals while also being mindful of business goals? What is the difference between the consumer goal journey and the spiritual goal journey? Let's dive in.

"How Do I Get Out Of This Conversation?"

Someone always comes along and drains you or your group of time and energy. Maybe it is authentic or an addiction to empathy, so how can you know the difference? How do you maneuver through conversations with emotionally and mentally draining individuals? Let's dive in.

"Can We Still Be Friends?"

In today's culture, we are faced with many conversations that feel like landmines. We can be sitting at a dinner table with Christian friends terrified to talk about anything in fear that you might offend or cause conflict. So how do we handle topics that divide us as a church? Let's dive in!