Growing Up Together: Siblings and Autism
In this episode, Natalie and Victoria talk about raising siblings who have different needs.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
* How sibling dynamics shift over time, especially as children reach their teens
* The unique challenges that come with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) in sibling relationships
* Why it's important to let siblings just be siblings, rather than stepping into a co-parenting role
* Sensory clashes between siblings — when one child's coping mechanism is another's trigger
* Explaining autism to younger siblings in an age-appropriate way
* How to handle meltdowns when both children need you at the same time
* Fairness vs. equality — why "everyone gets what they need" is a more helpful frame than equal treatment
* The importance of one-on-one time and separate activities for each child
MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Wonderfully Wired Brains: An Introduction to the World of Neurodiversity [https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wonderfully-Wired-Brains-Introduction-Neurodiversity/dp/0241568161/ref=asc_df_0241568161?mcid=651f5edf5b353d7da1658ccf8df09f90&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697189939869&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14393331347500360123&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045681&hvtargid=pla-1954808235282&psc=1&hvocijid=14393331347500360123-0241568161-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1] An informative and inclusive children's guide to neurodiversity for those not in the know and to inspire children who are neurodivergent.
MyTime Young Carers [https://www.mytime.ltd.uk] — weekly online activities and events for siblings of disabled children
Sibs [https://www.sibs.org.uk] — UK charity dedicated to supporting brothers and sisters of disabled people
Young Sibs [https://www.youngsibs.org.uk]
Contact [https://contact.org.uk]
Carers Trust [https://carers.org]
Sense [https://www.sense.org.uk]
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TRANSCRIPT
Victoria Bennion: [00:00:00] In this episode, we're talking about what it can look like growing up with an autistic brother and sister. What does that look like for siblings?
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so we are coming at it from the perspective of parents observing a sibling relationship
every family is different, but there are definitely common things that come up that I'm sure you'll recognize.
Victoria Bennion: One of the things that comes up, I've noticed is difference in development. Sometimes there's an age gap and sometimes there isn't, but you might notice children reaching milestones. In a different order or at a different pace than you expected?
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I definitely noticed that with mine. I think I've been thinking about this a lot more recently because I have a younger daughter, older son. A son with diagnosis, and the rates of development of each child, in some ways the youngest is catching up with the oldest when there's a five-year difference.
And looking at the impact of that on the older one. I think it can bring up mixed [00:01:00] feelings for siblings
sometimes it can be motivating or encouraging, but other times it can feel confusing, especially when trying to understand something that seems easy for one child and it's hard for the other.
Victoria Bennion: I think that's where gentle age, appropriate explanations can help a bit. Talking about how everyone's brain works differently and how development isn't a straight line.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, we've used books in the past. I don't know if you've, done that. Mine's a much younger child, but we have started introducing, what autism is to her and we do have a book that explains that brains work differently, which we can link to in the show notes, which could be quite helpful.
Victoria Bennion: That's a good idea. We've used a couple of videos, which would been helpful, but not books, but mine are a little bit older.
Natalie Tealdi: I think another thing that comes up for us is that communication styles can be different. So if one child has PDA, and big anxieties around demands, that can be quite tricky for a sibling to understand.
Victoria Bennion: Oh, yeah. Particularly if one uses direct language, even if they [00:02:00] don't mean it unkindly, it can feel like pressure to the other sibling and the other sibling doesn't always realize
Natalie Tealdi: yeah, we definitely have that with my youngest is trying to be mothering and be helpful.
But using quite a lot of language, like trying to tell my son what to do and it doesn't always go down well 'cause it's not quite how we would phrase things either. So trying to be helpful, but then it's kind of backfiring.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. Something that we've found it quite helpful to do is to try to reinforce to the older siblings that they don't need to be.
Co-parent. They don't need to try to manage the other's behavior, on our behalf. I've said that's what me and your dad are for. Your role is to be a sister. But that's something that we've really had to be mindful of and work on because it was causing problems.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. And you really wanna protect that relationship. That brother sister relationship can be so important. And you don't really want one of them to be thinking the repair and the other, a child saying,
Victoria Bennion: no, absolutely not.
[00:03:00] I think really when you're managing different needs within a household or two autistic children that might have really different profiles, there can be this clash and it can be really tricky.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. Like one might really need to make noise or repetition or move more and the other might need quiet and space and predictability and that can be really hard to cater for those needs.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, we've had that. When we were on holiday, we were in a situation and it was quite crowded and one. My children needed to make noise to regulate themselves, and the other needed silence, and then they're rubbing each other up the wrong way and getting very cross. I mean, it's, neither of these needs are wrong, but.
It can create friction.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. We have that in the car sometimes as well. Like one will need to make noise. The other really desperately wants some quiet and this really boring journey and I just wanna zone out. So it is at that point we building breaks. Let's have a stop here. And I run around lots and lots of breaks on long trips, drips.
Yeah. [00:04:00] So with parenting, you're not just supporting the siblings individually, you're also supporting the relationship between them.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, that's important, and I think it's about explaining the behaviors in a way that builds empathy between them, helping them understand each other's nervous systems and what each need.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. And I think, that can be received and it just depends how they are at the time, can't it? Sometimes they can be understanding and sometimes they just don't really care. Absolutely. We do our best.
Victoria Bennion: I've certainly noticed the dynamic shifted as one of my children became a teenager. When they were
younger, It was much easier, but I think maybe becoming older and then wanting more responsibility, that might have changed it a bit and it widened that gap.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. Another thing that is quite important to talk about is the invisible child dynamic.
Victoria Bennion: Yes. The child who isn't in crisis, the one that's seeming to be able to cope, the one who gets described as the easy one. I mean, I have one of those once upon a time.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, I think it changes depending on [00:05:00] what phases everybody's in. Doesn't it?
Victoria Bennion: Well, for sure in our household it's definitely like a Seesaw one is okay and it's not.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. But I think children can learn really quickly not to add to the stress at home. You know, be quiet, Don.
Disrupt the balance. And so they might downplay their own needs.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. It can look positive on the surface. They can look mature, responsible, understanding, but underneath there can be needs that aren't being voiced.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, so it is definitely worth checking in with the one who seems to be fine.
'cause no, not necessarily always at are,
Victoria Bennion: and that can be hard when you've got your hands full with a child that's struggling. But yeah, it's definitely just worth flagging if you can check in on the other child.
Natalie Tealdi: I think as a parent you kind of look for, please be one of them.
Be all right, please let one of them be all right so I can focus on the other one. And so I think you can get into that situation really quite easily. Yeah. But yeah, it's just being aware of it, isn't it really.
Victoria Bennion: Definitely. Another big theme that [00:06:00] we come across in our household is fairness.
Natalie Tealdi: Mm. Yes. Why does one sibling have different rules from the other, and why do the consequences look different, and why does one get more attention than the other?
Yeah. That can be really tricky.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. I think a phrase that we find helpful to say is fair doesn't always mean equal. Fair means everybody gets what they need.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah. I think that's really good. It can open up, important conversations and reduce feelings of favoritism.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. In terms of the emotions that come up, I think it's important to give siblings permission to have these mixed emotions.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, definitely. I mean, they can have a really good relationship and really love each other, but they can also feel frustrated, embarrassed, tired, you know? That's totally normal.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah. And I think it's important to reassure them that these feelings don't make them bad siblings in any way.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.
I think one thing to think about as well is avoiding relying on siblings as unpaid [00:07:00] carers. I think this can happen, and I can see how it could happen, too.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, actually, I think one Both my children were at school together for, it was only maybe a year that they overlapped, but actually my eldest child was being called to support my youngest child when they were in the school situation.
And at that time she didn't mind but I do think that is something that can happen, particularly if you've got an older sibling who's particularly good with a younger one, but you don't want them to feel the resentment, 'cause I think often it can swing back a bit.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah.
Victoria Bennion: Have you ever had any situations come up when you've been in public? Because I know in the past we've had, an issue with social sides, perhaps attending birthday parties together where one can't cope or. Days out being in public, I mean, we've had some quite disastrous trips to Legoland.
Always sticks in my mind, with one of my children, couldn't cope. One was up for all the rides and everything, and we ended up having to leave early. [00:08:00] So that can cause resentment and. Needs handling carefully.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, it can be really tricky. I think we never think anything's guaranteed when we go for a day out or with socializing and meeting up with people.
There's always like a backup plan. So if one of them's not struggling, then we'll split up, and do it that way. But yeah, it can be really hard.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, when they were younger, we had to do quite a lot of explaining like their brain works differently.
Have you covered the topic, with either of your children. of what it can look like when the other is struggling?
Natalie Tealdi: A little bit. Yes. My son has a DHD can be quite hyperactive, so we do say things like, he's feeling hyper needs space, stay with mommy and daddy. That kind of thing. Just to introduce how to recognize it and what we do.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, I think that's really important.
Natalie Tealdi: And we've talked about separating when one child needs a break or whatever. And I think actually that can [00:09:00] be really good for your parent relationship with each child as well. Having that one-on-one time, it helps them to feel like they are important and they're not being ignored. That their needs are being met.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, definitely. It's something that I'm trying to work in more time to do because particularly I've got one that struggles in busy places and I don't wanna plan, say a trip to London for the whole family and then end up staying in the hotel room as has happened before. 'cause one child can't cope, so trying to do separate trips.
And seeing how it goes. So that one child who I know will cope and be fine, gets to enjoy it and the other child gets my undivided attention the next time. And if it's a disaster, that's fine. We forget it. We'll go home, we'll do what they need.
Natalie Tealdi: And I think it's okay to do things a little bit differently.
Okay? So we might not go on family holidays all together all the time. It's okay for one parent to go off with one child for a few days and the other just do what works and do what's gonna [00:10:00] make everybody happy.
Victoria Bennion: It's a bit of trial and error, isn't it? And I think it changes over time.
Different developmental phases.
Natalie Tealdi: Gosh. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. And just with them having their own interests as well. One might be into dancing, one might be into climbing, and that's fine. Go off and do your own thing. You know, we don't all have to do everything together.
Victoria Bennion: Yeah, a hundred percent
A couple of years ago, one of my children had support from the young carers charity, MyTime. They can offer a lot of support if you do find that one of your children, is struggling with the behavior of siblings. My child used to go to weekly Zoom calls where you could sign up and do art or yoga, I think she did at one point, and they often had events as well, and it was just really helpful during a stressful period for them to be able to do something that was for them.
Natalie Tealdi: Yeah, that's really nice.
Victoria Bennion: We can put a link to MyTime in the show notes, but they're really, they do some really good work.
Natalie Tealdi: And there are some other key support services and organizations such as Sibs, which is a dedicated UK [00:11:00] charity providing resources, training, and support for brothers and sisters of disabled children. There's Young Sibs, very similar. There's Contact, Carers Trust, and Sense. And we'll put all the links to those in the show notes.
Victoria Bennion: We'd love to hear your sibling stories, so do get in touch, and we might be able to feature them in a future episode. Links to all the support organizations that we mentioned are below this episode in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening to the Autism Mum's podcast.
Take care of yourself and each other
