They're Always in Control: A Therapist's 30-Year Study of Male Abusers

They're Always in Control: A Therapist's 30-Year Study of Male Abusers

"He never lost his temper. He chose it." Don Hennessy spent more than three decades sitting across from male intimate abusers — and what they taught him upends nearly everything we assume about how abuse works. In this episode, Don Hennessy — former Clinical Director of Ireland's National Domestic Violence Intervention Project and author of Steps to Freedom: Escaping Intimate Control — explains the mind of the abuser he calls the "psychophile": a man who invades his partner's thinking deliberately, then hides the intent behind chaos, charm, and blame. You'll learn: * How abusers select a target in as little as 30 minutes, and the qualities they scan for * Why "he was out of control" is the most successful lie an abuser tells * The transfer of blame that keeps a woman examining herself instead of him * How sexual entitlement sits at the center, with every other tactic working as a distraction * Why your intuition was never lost — and how to start hearing it again A clear, unflinching look at coercive control — and a reminder that you don't have to understand an abuser to be free of him. You just have to stop him. ABOUT DON Don Hennessy has been working in the area of male intimate abuse for more than 30 years. He was a founding member of the Cork domestic violence project in 1991. He also served as clinical director of the National Domestic Violence Intervention project in Ireland for 15 years. He has published 3 books on the issue which analyse the action of the male abuser (who he names a psychephile) and how a target woman might recover her own instincts. He has addressed conferences in England, Northern Ireland, Spain and Greece. He continues to work with target women. 📖 Books: 👉 How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser https://www.amazon.com/How-Gets-Into-Her-Head/dp/1855942208 [https://www.amazon.com/How-Gets-Into-Her-Head/dp/1855942208] 👉 Steps to Freedom: Escaping Intimate Control https://www.amazon.com/Steps-Freedom-Escaping-Intimate-Control-ebook/dp/B07C5D7H3F [https://www.amazon.com/Steps-Freedom-Escaping-Intimate-Control-ebook/dp/B07C5D7H3F] 👉 How He Wins: Abusive Intimate Partners Going Free https://www.amazon.com/How-He-Wins-Intimate-Partners-ebook/dp/B08PF74VS2 [https://www.amazon.com/How-He-Wins-Intimate-Partners-ebook/dp/B08PF74VS2] ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and certified partner trauma therapist helping people trust themselves again after narcissistic abuse. She's the author of the best-selling book If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth. She hosts the Restoring Resilience podcast and guides survivors to healing through her signature program, Rewired for Resilience: Reclaiming Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse. Her work has been featured in USA Today, HuffPost, Psychology Today, and other media outlets. You can learn more about working with Chelsey or her resources at www.chelseybrookecole.com [http://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] 🧠 Free Quizzes: Is It Narcissistic Abuse? Not sure what you're dealing with? Take a free 2-minute quiz to get clarity now 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] (0:00) Introduction & Guest Overview (1:20) Don's Background & How He Got Into This Work (4:36) What Abusers Taught Us: They're Always in Control (9:00) Defining the "Psychophile": Why This Term? (10:18) The Shift from Physical to Mental Control (14:43) How Abusers Target & Assess Their Victims (18:13) The Setup: How Abusers Establish Control (21:06) The Omnipresent Voice & Silencing Your Intuition (24:12) Coercive Control: A Psychological Prison (25:26) Cobras vs. Pit Bulls: Types of Abusers (27:55) The Core: Sexual Dominance & Entitlement (30:53) Shame, Sexuality & What's Not Talked About (34:35) Can Abusers Change? (37:39) Steps to Freedom: Reclaiming Your Intuition (40:17) Final Advice: One Thing to Begin Healing (41:33) Where to Find Don & Closing

She Knew the Red Flags & Still Got Trapped: Dr. Kerry McAvoy's Narcissistic Abuse Story

Can a psychologist fall victim to a narcissist? Dr. Kerry McAvoy says yes — and she lived it. In this powerful episode, Kerry shares her personal journey of narcissistic abuse recovery after losing her husband to cancer and being targeted by a predatory partner who used coercive control to trap her. If you've ever doubted yourself in a toxic relationship or wondered how to spot a narcissist before it's too late, this conversation is for you. 🎙️ In this episode, you'll learn: * Why even mental health professionals can miss the red flags in relationships * How predators target agreeable personality types — and what makes you a target * The difference between manufactured confidence and real competence * How to make yourself "disinteresting" to narcissistic personalities * Why trusting your gut is the #1 skill for surviving narcissistic abuse * How to rebuild self-worth and become your own best friend after abuse Kerry McAvoy, PhD is a psychologist, author, and narcissistic abuse survivor whose story proves that knowledge alone isn't protection — but self-trust is. Have you ever ignored your gut in a relationship? What happened? 🔔 Subscribe for weekly conversations on healing from toxic relationship signs, setting boundaries, and reclaiming your life after NPD abuse. ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and certified partner trauma therapist helping people trust themselves again after narcissistic abuse. She's the author of the best-selling book If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth. She hosts the Restoring Resilience podcast and guides survivors to healing through her signature program, Rewired for Resilience: Reclaiming Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse. Her work has been featured in USA Today, HuffPost, Psychology Today, and other media outlets. You can learn more about working with Chelsey or her resources at www.chelseybrookecole.com [http://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] ABOUT KERRY Kerry Kerr McAvoy, Ph.D., a retired psychologist and author, is an expert on cultivating healthy relationships and deconstructing narcissism. Her blogs have been featured in Mamami, YourTango, Scary Mommy, and The Good Men Project. In Love You More, Dr. McAvoy gives an uncensored glimpse into her survival of narcissistic abuse, and her workbooks, First Steps to Leaving a Narcissist and Surviving to Thriving, helps victims break free and heal from abusive relationships. She hosts the Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse podcast and offers trauma-related advice on social media. YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kerrymcavoyphd [https://youtube.com/@kerrymcavoyphd] Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kerrymcavoyphd [https://www.facebook.com/kerrymcavoyphd] Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kerrymcavoyphd/ [https://www.instagram.com/kerrymcavoyphd/] TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdjuTrnV/ [https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdjuTrnV/] Website: https://kerrymcavoyphd.com [https://kerrymcavoyphd.com/] Love You More, memoir: Love You More: The Harrowing Tale of Lies, Sex Addiction, & Double Cross [https://a.co/d/5b2PaIh] ReclaimYou app: https://studio.com/drkerry/ [https://studio.com/drkerry/] Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] 🧠 Free Quizzes: Is It Narcissistic Abuse? Not sure what you're dealing with? Take a free 2-minute quiz to get clarity now 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/quizzes/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/] (00:00) Introduction: Kerry McAvoy's Journey From Psychologist to Survivor Advocate (02:35) The Relationship That Changed Everything: Falling for a Narcissist (05:15) Why Even Therapists Miss the Warning Signs of Narcissistic Abuse (08:10) Love Bombing, Trauma Bonding, and the Slow Erosion of Reality (12:15) "I Thought I Could Help Him": The Empathy Trap Survivors Fall Into (16:30) Why Leaving Isn't as Simple as "Just Walk Away" (20:05) Who Narcissists Target and Why Highly Empathic People Are Vulnerable (24:10) The Hidden Traits That Make You a Target for Manipulation (28:05) How Narcissists View Relationships: Asset, Enemy, or Threat (32:40) Why Survivors Miss the Person They Thought They Knew (36:50) The Grief of Letting Go of the Future You Imagined (40:20) Can Narcissists Change? The Truth Survivors Need to Hear (45:30) Spiritual Abuse, Charisma, and Why We Ignore Red Flags (49:40) Rebuilding Trust in Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse (54:50) A Powerful Visualization for Strengthening Boundaries (59:40) Finding Your Inner Light and Returning to Yourself (1:03:05) Kerry McAvoy's Advice for Survivors: Become Your Own Friend (1:03:35) Where to Find Kerry McAvoy's Books, Podcast, and Resources

How to Stop Feeling Powerless (Even After Years of Abuse)

Have you ever felt so beaten down that you stopped trying to change things — stopped fighting for your boundaries, stopped taking care of yourself — because it felt like nothing you did actually mattered? That's not a character flaw. That's what narcissistic abuse does. And in this episode, I'm talking about the one psychological concept that has to be rebuilt before anything else in your healing can work: your agency. Agency is the belief that you are the author of your own life — that your choices matter, that you can influence what happens to you. And narcissistic abuse is specifically designed to dismantle it. Through gaslighting, control, and unpredictability, you're conditioned to stop trusting yourself, stop advocating for yourself, and stop believing you matter. But here's what the narcissist doesn't want you to know: you can take it back. And it starts smaller than you think. —— WHAT IS AGENCY AND WHY DOES IT MATTER? Agency is the psychological sense that you are capable of making choices that impact your life. It's the foundation that everything else in healing sits on top of — boundaries, self-worth, even leaving. None of it works without this piece first. Narcissistic abuse erodes agency in layers: • Gaslighting teaches you not to trust your own perceptions • Control teaches you that your preferences don't matter • Unpredictability teaches you that nothing you do changes the outcome anyway The result? You feel frozen. Stuck. Anxious about even the smallest decisions. And somewhere deep down, you start to believe that YOU don't matter. This episode is my refusal to let that be the end of your story. —— 5 PRACTICAL STEPS TO REBUILD YOUR AGENCY TODAY 1️⃣ Stop over-explaining your decisions 2️⃣ Follow through on promises you make to yourself 3️⃣ Notice when you're asking for permission you don't need 4️⃣ Reconnect with your own preferences 5️⃣ Make decisions without polling everyone first —— KEY TAKEAWAYS • Agency — the belief that your choices matter — is the foundation of all healing • Narcissistic abuse dismantles agency slowly and deliberately, often without you realizing it • You rebuild agency through action, not just insight — one small decision at a time • Over-explaining, permission-seeking, and consensus-polling are all survival responses worth noticing • You don't have to feel ready to heal. You just have to start small. —— ABOUT ME I'm Chelsey Brooke Cole — a licensed psychotherapist specializing in complex trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery, author of If Only I'd Known, and host of Restoring Resilience. I combine over a decade of clinical experience with my own survivor story to help people heal and trust themselves again. —— Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/]

5 Signs You've Experienced Abuse (Even If You Don't Realize It)

Do you second-guess yourself constantly — wondering if what happened to you even "counts" as abuse? In this episode, I'm sharing five statements I hear from survivors over and over again — phrases that immediately tell me someone has experienced relational trauma, even when they've never labeled it that way. These feel like random doubts, but they're not. They're patterns. And once you can see them clearly, everything starts to make sense. —— THE 5 STATEMENTS 1️⃣ "What did I do to deserve this?" This question exists because you're with someone who will never take accountability. In a healthy relationship, you wouldn't be asking it — because issues would actually get resolved. 2️⃣ "Is this even abuse?" That confusion isn't weakness — it's a symptom. Narcissistic abuse is designed to be hard to name. The doubt you're feeling is one of the first signs something is seriously wrong. 3️⃣ "But I wasn't perfect either." This isn't self-awareness. It's the result of DARVO — a manipulation tactic that flips the narrative so completely, you end up apologizing for their behavior and believing their abuse is your fault. 4️⃣ "Maybe if I'd just tried harder." The good moments in an abusive relationship aren't proof things are fine — they're part of the cycle. Abusers use kindness strategically to pull you back in just when you're starting to see clearly. 5️⃣ "No one will believe me." This feeling is proof of just how real what you've been through actually is. When a narcissist tells you "no one will believe you," they're admitting they know exactly what they're doing. —— IF THIS EPISODE HELPED YOU Please leave a review — it helps other survivors find this podcast when they need it most. And share this episode with someone who's been questioning their own reality. ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist specializing in complex trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery. She is the author of If Only I'd Known and host of Restoring Resilience podcast. She combines over a decade of clinical experience with her own survivor story to help people heal and trust themselves again. Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/]

You Escaped One Narcissist… And Walked Straight Into Another

If you've ever escaped a narcissistic relationship only to find yourself in another one, this episode is for you. Not the "here are the red flags to watch for" version you've heard before — the real conversation. The one that goes all the way back to the emotional needs that didn't get met when you were young, and explains how those needs have been quietly choosing your partners ever since. I'm joined by Bree Bonchay, psychotherapist and founder of World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day, to get into why awareness alone doesn't break the cycle, what narcissistic individuals are actually picking up on from the very beginning, and what it actually takes to stop attracting the same relationship in a different person. If you're tired of starting over and ready to understand the pattern at the root, this episode is for you. ABOUT BREE Bree Bonchay is a licensed psychotherapist, coach, and leading voice in narcissistic abuse and toxic relationship patterns. She helps self-aware individuals who "know better" finally understand why they still choose the wrong partners, and how to break that cycle at the root. Bree is the founder of World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day and author of the upcoming book It's Not You, It's the Advice. ABOUT CHELSEY Chelsey Brooke Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, bestselling author, and narcissistic abuse survivor turned specialist. She's the host of the Restoring Resilience podcast and creator of the Rewired for Resilience healing program, helping survivors all over the world reclaim their self-worth and learn to trust themselves after narcissistic abuse. Resources & Next Steps If this episode resonated with you, here are a few ways to go deeper: ✨ Free Masterclass: The Narcissist's Playbook Understand the exact patterns narcissists use—and why it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/the-narcissists-playbook/] ✨ Rewired for Resilience (Healing Program) Go beyond awareness and start rebuilding self-trust, emotional safety, and clarity from the inside out 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/rewired-for-resilience/] 📖 Read the First Chapter of My Book (Free) 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/firstchapterfree/] 🌐 Website 👉 https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/ [https://www.chelseybrookecole.com/]