Conflict Is Data, Not Disruption - Anne-Maartje Oud | 79
Anne-Maartje Oud is a workplace behavior specialist with more than two decades of experience, the founder and CEO of The Behaviour Company in Amsterdam, and a certified behavior analyst trained by former FBI agent Joe Navarro (the only person to have completed his five-year apprenticeship program). She has trained over 9,000 people across 10+ countries, worked with Fortune 500s like Mercedes-Benz, Deloitte, and Moët Hennessy, and non-profits like Amnesty International and the Red Cross. Her new book What To Do If…? distills the 35 questions she's been asked most often over twenty years of training managers, HR teams, and leaders.
In this conversation, Anne-Maartje walks us through the question that started her writing the book (what to do if someone starts crying), her four-layer Helicopter Metaphor Technique (context, procedure, content, interaction), why conflict is data rather than disruption, why avoiding it is like buying on credit, the most common failure mode among trained professionals, how to think about working with narcissistic supervisors, why most "lying tells" you've read are myths, the cultural differences in giving feedback, and the one thing she'd ask every CEO to stop doing tomorrow.
Find Anne-Maartje: https://amobehaviour.com [https://amobehaviour.com]
The Behaviour Company: https://www.behaviourcompany.eu [https://www.behaviourcompany.eu]
On LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/annemaartjeoud/ [https://www.linkedin.com/in/annemaartjeoud/]
Book: What To Do If…? [https://www.amazon.com/What-Do-If-Questions-Answer/dp/1398626163/ref=sr_1_1?crid=YHZDEHOMG8C4&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.gfUFJyc8nPwlnOkwiNChekhr2-ybpmhAzaTNo1p1MKT_USz4fYsNU0IDuVPqWQ8rbO8yQ27y68kGeKvHdjsyJGkKnRZLyZEf8DQyLSalws8HEwHOz77k7AzsgXJxg1Mzl4OBKkUIFbJ487MKwhgCB1a13SILvId-X7KnVBAxwn5XJGFIqwPTQfaKp3PO7QnnAmREEC25JD9CJ2qlLNjlfzssHtSv1Wuh9YZmYikMRTo.pa1RpVjBJxe76IWTbw7O50_hXUcxYpNN_pMd_GOFyD0&dib_tag=se&keywords=What+To+Do+If%E2%80%A6%3F&qid=1780030532&sprefix=what+to+do+if+%2Caps%2C198&sr=8-1 ] available from Kogan Page, Barnes & Noble, Waterstones, and major retailers
Builders & Doers is produced by Horizon Search.
0:00 Intro
0:51 The most-asked of her 35 questions — and how the book began
1:51 What people ask her most now — toxic and difficult people
2:28 The Helicopter Metaphor Technique — context, procedure, content, interaction
4:37 Conflict as data, not disruption
6:32 Avoiding conflict is like buying on credit — interest accrues
7:31 Address as soon as possible, but allow others space to digest
8:12 What's new in her toolkit — adding visuals to her training
9:43 Why "difficult people" questions are rising — COVID, stress, and polarization
12:01 The #1 failure mode in 9,000 trainees — staying in your head
13:13 Nudging yourself out of your comfort zone (and writing the book)
14:18 Body language and the moment trust is decided
16:23 The best conversations need comfort for both parties
18:09 Why most lying "tells" are myths — there's no single behavior
20:00 Narcissistic supervisors — work around or walk away
22:02 Cultural differences in giving feedback (Dutch directness)
23:42 The accountability problem — gossiping vs verbalizing
28:38 Patterns vs one-off behavior — the three-strike test
31:50 Why her book starts with self-development
34:11 If a CEO is listening — one thing to stop, one to start
36:00 Quick tips for becoming a better listener
37:46 Where to find Anne-Maartje
38:23 Closing — we're all doing our best