How To Sex

The New Joy of Sex: Part 4

THE NEW JOY OF SEX: PART 4. THE ALLURE OF ANY SIZE AND SHAPE. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up]. Listen to the podcast [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex04.mp3] at How To Sex [https://feeds.feedburner.com/how-to-sex]. [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex04.jpg] BREASTS. “In our maturer years,” wrote Erasmus Darwin, “when an object of vision is presented to us which bears any similitude to the form of the female bosom; we feel a general glow of delight, which seems to influence all our senses, and if the object be not too large we experience an attraction to embrace it with our lips as we did in early infancy the bosom of our mothers.” Breasts are the natural second target, but often the first one we reach. Just how sensitive they are, in men as well as in women, varies enormously, and according to physical state and mood. As with other sexual organs, size is unimportant in relation to sensitivity; if it still creates insecurity, however, fascinated attention is a more effective cure than surgery. Some breasts don’t answer at all, even in the emphatically non-frigid; some answer to extremely gentle touches, some to very rough handling (but they are sensitive structures; don’t let a need for forceful contact get the better of sound common sense.) Going round and round the nipple with the tongue tip or the glans, soft kneading with both hands, gentle biting, and sucking gently like a baby are the best gambits; she can do the same for him. (While there, both can occasionally check for suspicious lumps.) If her breasts are big enough to meet, one can get a surprising degree of mutuality from inter-mammary intercourse. This is a good expedient on occasions when she doesn’t feel like vaginal intercourse. She lies half flat on pillows, he kneels astride (big toe to her clitoris if she needs helping) with his foreskin, if he has one, fully retracted. Either he or she can hold the breasts together; wrap them around the shaft rather than rub the glans with them. It should protrude clear, just below her chin. Intercourse between the breasts is equally good in other positions; head to tail, or with her on top (especially if she has small breasts), or man sitting, woman kneeling; experiment accordingly. An orgasm from this position, if she gets one, is “round” like a full coital orgasm, and she feels it inside. Breast orgasms from licking and handling are “in between” in feel. His ejaculation this way gives her what’s known as a “pearl necklace”; he should rub the semen well into her breasts when he has finished (see semen.) Breasts, vagina, and clitoris all at once make the fastest and most concentrated buildup of sensation once intercourse has begun, for some women at least. Many easily stimulated women can also experience a rather special pleasure from suckling a baby. NIPPLES. a direct hotline to her most sensitive parts. She says: “Unlike a man’s nipples, a woman’s can have a direct hotline to her clitoris and vagina. A man who can dial this correctly and will only take the time can do anything. Palm-brushing, eyelash-brushing, licking, and loud sucking like a baby can work wonders; the orgasms one gets from these are mind-blowing without detracting a jot from intercourse to come after. Please take time.” He, meanwhile, can get a very special jolt from this, made more intense still if she is actually lactating; male suckling is more of a majority interest than you might think. On him, rather than by him, stimulation is less likely to have an effect; few men can get a nipple orgasm, but try a stiff pair of feathers (see feathers) or very gentle fingertip friction; men’s nipples easily get sore. If the effect seems lacking, assiduous attention over time may help; try gentle circles with a toothbrush. There is no proof in the theory that caffeine creates temporary nipple sensitivity, but it’s still worth a try. Fluctuating hormones before her period can turn sensitivity into discomfort, and if there is itching, swelling, bleeding, or discharge, get it checked out. This applies to him as well as to her. If a partner likes pain, or to test the possibility without putting the question direct, pinch nipples lightly, then harder (never when sore, lactating, or newly pierced.) The aim is a balance of pleasure and pain; after, once pressure is released, the whole body will be achingly sensitive for hours. If this appeals, move to nipple clamps (not clothes pegs, which aren’t adjustable); a linked pair with one on each of his and her breasts also provides a neat accompaniment to any movements that create a gentle tug. When taken off, pinch with fingers, then release slowly to allow the blood to flow back in comfortably. Limit time on such play; 15 minutes is enough. BUTTOCKS. a turn-on in almost equal measure far both sexes. Next in line after breasts, buttocks alternate with them as visual sex stimuli for different cultures and individuals. Actually the original primate focus, being brightly colored in most apes; apparently equally fancied by the Neanderthals, who produced some of the best Stone Age figurines. The buttocks are a major erogenous zone in both sexes, though less sensitive than breasts because they have fewer nerves and a layer of fat, and so need stronger stimulation (holding, kneading, slapping, or even harder beating; see discipline.) Intercourse from behind (see rear entry) is a pleasure in itself, but be careful if she has a weak back. In any position the muscular movements of coitus stimulate the buttocks in both sexes, particularly if each holds the partner’s rear fairly tightly, one cheek in each hand. These extra sensations are well worth cultivating deliberately. Visually, good buttocks are a turn on in almost equal measure for both sexes. PENIS. while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them. Not only the essential piece of male equipment, even if it is often and expressively described as a “tool,” the penis has more symbolic importance than any other human organ, as a dominance signal and, by reason of having a will of its own, generally a “personality.” No point in reading all this symbolism back here, except to say that lovers will experience it, and find themselves treating the penis as something very like a third party. At one moment it’s a weapon or a threat, at another something they share, like a child. Without going into psychoanalysis or biology, it’s not a bad test of a love relationship if, while the penis is emphatically his, it also belongs to both of them. In any case, its texture, erectility, and so on are fascinating to both sexes, and its apparent autonomy, a little alarming. Like the vagina, the penis collects anxieties and folklore, and is a focus for all sorts of magical manipulations. Male self-esteem and sense of identity tend to be located in it, as Samson’s energy was in his hair. If it won’t work, or worse, if she sends it up, or down, the results will be disastrous. This explains the irrational male preoccupation with penile size. Size has absolutely nothing to do with physical serviceability in intercourse, or; since female orgasm doesn’t depend on getting deeply into the pelvis; with capacity to satisfy a partner, though many women are turned on by the idea of a large one, and a few say that they feel more (see size.) If anything, thickness matters more than length. Nor has flaccid size anything to do with erect size; a penis that is large when at rest simply enlarges less with erection. There is no way of artificially “enlarging” a penis. Nor, except in very rare cases, is a penis too big for a woman; widthwise, the vagina will take a full-term baby. If his penis, whatever its length, knocks an ovary and hurts her, he shouldn’t go in so far. A woman who says she is “too small” or “too tight” is usually making a statement about her arousal levels; she needs time, understanding, and foreplay. Shape also varies; the glans can be blunt or conical. This matters only in that the conical shape can make receptacle-tipped condoms uncomfortable through getting jammed in the tip. Women who have really learned to enjoy sex are usually as fascinated by their lover’s penis, size included, as men are by women’s breasts, shape, odor, and feel, and learn to play with it fully and skillfully. Circumcised or not (see foreskin), it’s a fascinating toy quite apart from its main use. There is a whole play scene connected with uncapping, stiffening, and handling it, making it pulsate or ejaculate, that is a major part of togetherness. This is equally important for the man; not only is it ego-boosting, but good hand- and mouth work practically guarantee a good sexual partner. Care and maintenance: if he isn’t circumcised, he will need to retract the foreskin fully for cleaning purposes, and if it won’t retract beyond the corona all round the glans except at the front, get it seen to (correcting it involves a trifling operation with a blunt probe and doesn’t necessarily mean that he needs circumcising.) If it won’t retract properly or is over-tight and gets stuck, get that attended to as well. Slight asymmetry often develops with time; this does no harm unless it’s pronounced or painful, in which case see a doctor. On the other hand, don’t bend an erect penis or use a position in which it could get violently bent by accident. (This usually happens with the woman on top if she is careless near orgasm, or in putting him in, and he is just short of fully stiff; keep a little control here.) It is possible, though difficult, to fracture one of the two hydraulics contained in the shaft. This is very painful and can lead to pain or kinking on subsequent erection. The normal organ will stand up to extremely hard use, but not to these. (Avoid also silly tricks with suction and so on; see inflators.) Sores, discharge, lumps, bumps, bleeding, and so on signal illnesses and need treatment. Even if you both have proof that you are free of all sexually transmitted diseases; if you aren’t, condoms are mandatory; don’t have oral intercourse with someone who has a herpes on the mouth; you can get recurrent herpes of the penis or the vulva, which is a nuisance. If the foreskin is dry from masturbation or long retraction, saliva is the recommended lubricant. Commercial equivalents are now sold that make things more comfortable and add sensation, but steer clear of the ones that claim to slow down or speed up response; they can anesthetize or irritate him and, by association, her. If he has problems in this department, it’s best to use less “quick-fix” methods (see hair-trigger trouble, and performance.) SIZE. Preoccupation with the size of their genitals is about as common in men (it is a “dominance signal,” like a deer’s antlers) as sensitivity about their breasts and figure is in women. That, however, is its only importance in matters sexual. The “average” penis is just over five inches overall when erect and between three and four inches round, but penises come in all sizes; larger ones may be spectacular, but no more effective except as visual stimuli. Smaller ones work equally well in most positions; and may, as only the first few inches of the vagina are sensitive, actually work better than larger examples. In any case, she will almost always report that what matters is how it’s used, not how big it is. Non-erect size in the male is equally unimportant; some men before erection show no penile shaft at all, but extend to full size easily. The same applies to testicle weight; it varies, as does nose or mouth size, but has little to do with function. Small genitals are usually due to active muscles in the layer beneath the skin; a cold bath will shrink the best-endowed male down to Greek-statue proportions. Accordingly, excessive preoccupation with size is an irrational anxiety, often created by the fact that men see their own penises as small because they are seen from above and other men’s penises as large because they are seen from the front. Don’t fall for the hype on lotions, potions, stretching exercises, or surgery; one can’t reliably and safely increase size, any more than one can increase stature. She should learn not to comment on it except favorably; he should learn not to give it a second thought. The few cases where male genitalia are really infantile occur in conjunction with major gland disturbances and are treatable but rare. All the above reassurance also applies to vaginal size. Few women are too small; lubricate, add lots of foreplay, wait until she has “ballooned” through arousal before penetrating. So long as she isn’t hurting; in which case stop instantly; a tight woman gives the man extra-intense feelings. Nor is any vagina too large: if it seems a loose fit, switch to a posture in which her thighs are pressed together; from behind for best effect. Long term, do Kegel exercises (see pompoir ) to keep muscles toned; though lots of sex works just as well and she will enjoy it more. Apart from postpartum stitching, surgery to tighten the vagina is usually a reflection of lack of confidence on her part or inappropriate demands on his. Genital anatomy probably fixes which postures work best for a given couple, but no more than that. With rare exceptions, men and women are universally adapted. The only practical exception is in the case of a very big penis and a very small woman, in which case she should be careful on top, or she will knock an ovary (which feels very much like accidentally knocking a testicle does for a man), and he should avoid thrusting too hard until he knows he won’t hurt her. As to the size of other structures, such as breasts, these may be individual turn-ons, but every build has its sexual opportunities built in: use them. FORESKIN. Cutting off this structure is possibly the oldest human sexual ritual. It still persists; for cultural as well as supposed health reasons. Some believe that cancer of the penis and cervix is rarer when it’s done (a myth) or that it slows down orgasm (for which there is no evidence.) It probably doesn’t make very much difference, either to masturbation or to intercourse; one normally retracts it anyway for all these purposes; though if he doesn’t have one, there is a whole range of covered-glans nuances he can’t recapture. Holding the skin back hard with the hand (her hand) during intercourse works for both the circumcised and uncircumcised as an accelerator, and offers a sensation of its own. Women who have experienced both are divided; as they are over which looks sexier. Some find the circumcised glans “neater” and are even turned off by an unretracted prepuce as looking “feminine,” while others love the sense of discovery that goes with retraction. If he is uncircumcised and she prefers the other, he can retract it; if vice versa, simply find other amusements. In terms of function, it’s probably there for immunological protection and helpful for lubrication; the high density of nerve endings doesn’t harm either. While in the area, a word about the frenulum, the “little bridle” that connects the underside of the glans to the shaft. It is sensitive to stretching; it’s probably this that creates the sensation during up-and-down hand work; and circumcision may tighten it or sometimes remove it altogether. If it’s intact, try lubricating with your thumb, massaging frenulum and little finger directly on it circling smaller and smaller. Flick across with the tongue and apply sustained pressure while he simply relaxes. Reserve this technique, however, until he is ready to come more or less instantly. In sum, the circumcised man isn’t at any important disadvantage (or advantage), but many people prefer to be able to choose their egg with or without salt, and let their children do likewise. SCROTUM. Basically, a sperm factory. The testes produce sperm; the scrotum is the control device to keep them producing it at the right temperature, moving up when he is cold and down when he is warm. No need to panic at asymmetry; it’s normal for one testicle to be smaller and for the left one to hang slightly lower; though extraneous lumps or pain should be checked out immediately. It’s also a highly sensitive skin area, and needs careful handling, since pressure on a testis is highly painful to its proprietor. Gentle tongue and finger work or cupping in the hand is about right, or try a fingertip along the visible center line and gentle teasing on the perineum between scrotum and anus. She can take it right into her mouth. SEMEN. There is no lovemaking without spilling this, on occasions at least. You can get it out of clothing or furnishings either with a stiff brush, when the stain has dried, or with a dedicated cleanser designed to remove blood. If you spill it over each other, massage it gently in. If you want a very copious ejaculate, he can masturbate nearly, but not quite, to orgasm about an hour beforehand to increase prostate secretion. If his semen tastes bad, try altering his diet, and if that makes no difference, get a checkup; it can indicate health problems. She may like to know that an average ejaculation delivers about five calories and a dose of vitamin C. SKIN. its coolness, texture, and tightness are triggers far a whole range of sexual feelings. This is our chief extragenital sexual organ; underrated by men, who concentrate on the penis and clitoris; better understood by women. She says: “The smell and feel of a man’s skin probably has more to do with sexual attraction (or the opposite) than any other single feature, even though you may not be conscious of it.” Skin stimulation is a major component of all sex. Not only its feel when touched, but its coolness, texture, and tightness are triggers for a whole range of sexual feelings. Built in; the so-called erogenous zones are the ones most rich in nerve endings; lips, earlobes, feet, buttocks, breasts as well as genitals. Sensitivity will vary; for both according to mood and for her according to menstrual cycle. But it can be boosted in some people by emphasis, and by adding other textures, especially fur, rubber, leather, or tight clothing. Much underrated part of human sexual response, to be played to the full if it turns you on (see friction rub, pattes d’araignee, and tongue bath; use these to educate your own and your partner’s skin.) LUBRICATION. Most natural lubrication comes from her; the male equivalent kicks in only just before orgasm, which is far too late. The normal excited vagina is correctly set for friction; if she is too wet, dry gently with a handkerchief-wrapped finger (not tissues; you will never stop finding the bits.) But don’t try to de-lubricate with lotions or potions; they can lacerate the vagina. If she is too dry; it’s normal for many women; it’s likely because she is not sufficiently aroused; simply take the time and put in the effort. More lasting dryness can be due to stress, infections, medication, depression, hormonal ups and downs, and some medical conditions; see a doctor. If more lubrication is needed, saliva is the best natural one. There is also much to be said for the many commercial possibilities offering added sensation, smells, and tastes, though note that oil-based ones destroy latex condoms, silicone-based ones destroy silicone sex toys, and some anesthetize. Be particularly sure to use lubricant if he is penetrating anywhere that doesn’t naturally oblige; breasts, armpit, anus. To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up], for The New Joy of Sex.

The New Joy of Sex: Part 3

THE NEW JOY OF SEX: PART 3. A LOVER'S STATE OF MIND AND SOUL. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up]. Listen to the podcast [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex03.mp3] at How To Sex [https://feeds.feedburner.com/how-to-sex]. [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex03.jpg] HORMONES. The fuel in the sex machine, keeping desire, arousal, and performance ticking over, as well as driving affection and love. For the most part, they form a constant underpinning of mood, supporting though never replacing the honest-to-goodness sexual diesel generated by enthusiastic lovers. A peak or a valley, on the other hand, can impact. Sexually, the crucial fuel is testosterone, for her as well as for him. His will peak during his twenties, then settle into a more or less consistent pattern, dipping over the course of a long term relationship and rising in a new one; no excuse for straying, but a possible explanation of the temptation to do so. With age, it will gently decline; but rarely enough to cause problems; if his erection is failing, that’s reason for action, not resignation. In her, testosterone has the same effect, raising desire, demand, and energy; in the last third of her menstrual month, when levels of the hormone are high, try more urgent, fighting sex. Around the menopause, as estrogen drops away and testosterone levels stay high, she may find to her delight a lust that lasts for months or years; a second adolescence of which she can take full advantage. Oxytocin, the “cuddle hormone,” both bonds partners in affection and makes them less likely to want to be sexual; one reason why the postorgasmic default is to hug rather than go for a second bout. Add in prolactin, the “done that, time to rest” hormone also released at orgasm, to explain why, for him in particular, the default may well be to sleep. Prolactin is released when breast-feeding too, another reason why postpartum she may be utterly turned off all things sexual; just as the contraceptive pill, breast-feeding, and stress may imbalance her general hormone levels, with the same low-desire result. But never be held hostage; hormones may affect mood, but they can’t overrule action; clear thinking, reassuring communication, and making love regardless are often enough to offset imbalances. These notes are mainly included here for interest and understanding; all genuine lovers will want to know what’s under the hood in order to make the car purr more sweetly; but largely there are no bedroom applications. If the machine falters, however, science is increasingly able to supply an answer; see your doctor. PREFERENCES. More of us than we may think have a wide sexual range; that is to say, are able to respond sexually to either gender. Yes, many recognize who they are early in life and never shift. But adolescents often experiment before settling, and adults dream; same-sex relationships are in the top three sexual fantasies for heterosexuals, and some of the most surprising people; like Hans Christian Andersen; live out such dreams in real life. Preferences are not a choice that can be overridden in the long term; you may like both sexes, but if you don’t, the irrelevant one simply doesn’t smell right and there is no negotiating that. If you occasionally wonder; as opposed to having strong and clear desires in a particular direction; you are probably not gay but curious. If you have strong, clear desires, don’t agonize but talk it through; ringing a gay or lesbian help line won’t mean you are persuaded or presupposed into it, but will mean you speak to someone who has asked themselves the same questions as you have and found appropriate answers. Your own answer, once found, could transform your sex life and also your life in general; passion can flow and activities that seemed off-putting with one gender can, with the other, feel natural and fulfilling. Surely it doesn’t need saying that the joy of sex is rooted in knowing who you really are. As to the whole political agenda, happily in most countries all of the above is not the “problem” it was when this book was first written, though in most cultures it’s still a challenge and in others it’s still actively against the law, either secular or religious. We, however, believe that one person’s flavor of sexuality is no one else’s business; everyone should be free to follow their inclinations without fear or favor. If you don’t, you not only waste your own life pretending to be someone you aren’t, you also potentially waste the life of a partner who knows there is something not quite right but can’t pinpoint it. Whatever your preferences, be honest with yourself and your beloved, and never think you can “cure” a partner of their own preference by imposing yours upon them. This book is written for the straight reader but, within the context of a loving relationship, behaviors borrowed from the whole range of possible preferences can have their uses. Don’t dismiss (or judge) anything until you have tried it at least once. CONFIDENCE. It is, surely, a self-fulfilling prophecy that the more confident you are, the more you will enjoy sex. This is not about arrogance; the assumption that one is God’s gift will be an instant turnoff, particularly to women, if only because they know with that sort of mental map a man won’t have bothered to learn enough to be even moderately useful. At the other end of the extreme, a partner who starts off lacking in confidence only proves delightful if they ultimately benefit from care and feeding; lasting and insistent insecurity is draining in bed and out of it. But true sexual confidence; being relaxed, knowledgeable about oneself, willing to learn about another, ready to ask for what’s needed, happy to take charge, and unwobbled by either failure or rejection; makes for that ultimate in sexual partners, one who is able both to give and receive with an equal abundance of pleasure. This has nothing to do with looks. Nowadays, almost all women; and an increasing number of men; are scared of being spurned on that count, but this is because the media manipulates body image. If you don’t love your body, change your mind; if your partner doesn’t love your body, change your partner. Note to her: men are almost always more focused on sensation and the feelings of acceptance that sex gives than on your size, shape, or degree of firmness. If he has ever hugged you clothed, he already knows your shape; if when you are unclothed he has an erection, then he not only accepts but lusts after it. Note to him: women care hardly at all about shape, so relax please. He, however, may have other insecurities. He is asked to demonstrate potency in much more obvious ways than she is, and the men’s magazines may have convinced him that unless he can do so he will be rejected. But in terms of pure erection, there are always other ways; and for most women those ways are just as acceptable, certainly on an occasional basis. If generally nervous, the answer is to end up in bed only with a partner one is relaxed with and then try things out. As with all human activities, the way to mastery is through play. Whatever one’s size, experience, and ability; or disability; good sex is one of the most powerful confidence-builders because it places each partner right in the center of the other’s attention; beyond that, genuine compliments, demonstrated affection, and a total lack of comparison will complete the magic spell. She says: “Show me that you think I’m beautiful and everything else follows.” His words may be different, but the essential message will be the same. CASSOLETTE; her greatest sexual asset alter her beauty. French for perfume box. The natural perfume of a clean woman: her greatest sexual asset after her beauty (some would say greater than that.) It comes from the whole of her; hair, skin, breasts, armpits, genitals, and the clothing she has worn: it is her own signature scent and no two women are the same in this respect. Men have a natural perfume too, which women are aware of, but while a man can be infatuated with a woman’s personal perfume, women on the whole simply tend to notice if a man smells right or wrong. Wrong means not so much unpleasant as intangibly not for them. Often their awareness of a man includes conditioned extras such as work odors or aftershave. Because it’s so important, she needs to guard her own personal perfume carefully and learn to use it as part of her powers of attraction as skillfully as she uses the rest of her body. (We now know the science behind all this; pheromones, a kind of biological speed-bonding, making one attractive, relaxing a potential partner, creating mood. They say, “I’m interested; I’m interesting.”) In particular, a woman’s personal perfume can be a long-range weapon (nothing seduces a man more reliably, and this can happen subliminally), but at the same time a skillful man can read it, if he is an olfactory type, and if he knows her, to determine when she is sexually excited. Susceptibility and consciousness of human clean perfumes vary in both sexes. Women have the keener sense of smell, but men respond to it more as an attractant. Whether these are inborn differences, like inability to smell asparagus, or whether they are due to unconscious blocking-out, we don’t know. Some children can’t understand the point of blind man’s buff because they know by smell who is touching them: some women can smell that they are pregnant. Men can’t smell some chemicals related to musk unless they have a shot of female sex hormone. Far more human loves and antipathies are based on smell than our deodorant-and-aftershave culture admits. Many people, especially women, say that when it’s a question of bed or not-bed, they let their noses lead them. Which means it’s sad that, culturally, we are conditioned to deodorize and perfume. Better by far would be soap and water, although the unfortunates who sweat profusely may well have problems. A mouthful of aluminum chloride in an armpit is one of the biggest disappointments bed can afford, and a truly deodorized partner would be another. If smell (and taste) do become unpleasant, it’s probably a shift of diet or an infection; both can be cleared up, and should be done so in short order. There is no excuse for bad breath or the unilateral eating of garlic. Where lovemaking regularly happens at the end of a long, hot, or hard day, create a ritual of showering together beforehand. If you find each other’s perfume becoming distasteful long term, however, it may be a reflection of a more emotional distaste. Take it seriously. Many women shave their armpit hair, conditioned as they are by the idea that hairlessness is sexy. Opinions are divided on this one; fashion dictates armpits should be bare, but hairs catch our pheromonal scent. This could be played as an argument for more body hair in general, but men’s facial hair doesn’t have the day-to-day importance of a woman’s little tufts. These are antennae and powder puffs to introduce herself in a room, or in lovemaking. They are there to brush the man’s lips with; he can do the same more circumspectly. Kissing deeply in the armpit leaves a partner’s perfume with you. In the genital kiss, start with the lips covered, then brush the closed lips, then open her; when she gives the kiss to a man, she proceeds in the same order. It’s the fullest way to become aware of each other, even before you start to touch. She will feel much more at ease with this if he says clearly that he likes her scent and taste. Many women labor under the belief that their natural odor, particularly the pussy scent, is too strong. He can reverse this more or less instantly by showing enthusiasm. VULVA; can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a vibrator. Her external parts, the equivalent of scrotum and penile skin for him, and beautifully immortalized in feminist artist Judy Chicago’s exhibition The Dinner Party; thirty-nine vulval images symbolizing thirty-nine inspirational women. Can be stroked, sucked, squeezed, licked, softly stimulated with a vibrator; go up one side and down the other. Her perineum; between vagina and anus; is as sensitive as his; tease gently with a fingertip. The U-spot (see trigger points), between clitoris and vagina, can also be gently pressed in circular movements; use a careful knuckle or the tip of his penis; an unerect penis will give different sensations from an erect one. If she is sensitive post-climax, this will help her scale the peak again. She may be insecure about the way she looks here; color, thickness, and size; but this is just one more reflection of the fact that most genital images we see have been doctored. New or growing lumps or bumps, however, like rashes or pain, need attention. The current fashion for “tidying” labia surgically is a mutilation; in cultures less primitive than ours, women do the opposite, actively stretching their labia, then proudly folding them into origami shapes. VAGINA. As magic as the penis, and to some males slightly scary: luckily, few anxieties survive closer acquaintance, but they are involved in certain male hang-ups. Prudes treat it as if it was radioactive; “All magic,” said a Papuan wizard, “radiates from it as fingers do from a hand”; and a lot of put-downs of women throughout history grew from this kind of Freudian undergrowth. This is sad, for the vagina to her is as powerful yet vulnerable as the penis is to him, the source of reassuring menstrual blood, thudding orgasms, longed-for birth. Theoretically, only the first third of the vagina is truly sensitive; as a symbol of her openness and femininity, however, the whole of it is at the heart of her sexuality. Normally slightly moist, or women would squeak when they walk, the vagina wets more or less copiously with sexual excitement; some women also ejaculate at orgasm, though that’s certainly not universal (see trigger points.) Apart from this, any staining, discharge, rash, bleeding, or pain indicates infection and needs checking out; have regular Pap smears and a vaccination too, please, to protect against cervical cancer. The normal vaginal odor varies greatly between women and between times, but should always be pleasant and sexually exciting. For care and maintenance, don’t douche; it destroys not only healthy secretions but also the pheromones that attract him. A healthy vagina self-cleans. Whether or not he has ever explored a woman’s pussy in detail, with fingers, eyes, and tongue, he should make sure he explores hers. She should learn to kiss with it; she has two mouths to his one. CLITORIS. The first edition of this book commented that “the phallic-minded male is inclined to make a reassuring rush for the clitoris.” We now know that such a male would be absolutely correct; the clitoris and the phallus are in fact gender-adapted equals. Australian urologist Helen O’Connell’s research shows that the average clitoris; both what’s above the surface and the much bigger section buried in the pelvis; is quite as big as a flaccid penis, is made of exactly the same erectile tissue, has a penis-like shaft, and displays a tiny glans with its own foreskin. Smugly, it also has twice the number of nerve endings as its male counterpart. Whether because of too little knowledge or too much distrust, society has never given the clitoris the same weight of symbolism as the penis. Those more aware, however, know that its role is to set light to the vagina as “pine shavings can be kindled to set a log of; wood on fire” (Freud.) Comedienne Carol Leifer put it more succinctly: “Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location” (see clitoral pleasure.) It is regrettable that some cultures feel the need to excise it; though Western cultures too, until very recently, used circumcision as a cure for “female problems.” As to its role in climax, there is surely no point in joining the “pro” or “con” debate; everyone has the right to experience an orgasm in as many ways as they want to and are able to. But it should be added that while many women don’t ever orgasm easily through intercourse, few fail to orgasm through stimulation of the clitoris. It is, of course, the only human organ designed purely for pleasure. MONS PUBIS. The decorative fat pad situated over the female pubic bone that acts as a buffer in face-to-face intercourse, and which, more importantly, incorporates a layer of nerve endings that serve to transmit sensation to the rest of the area when it moves or is moved. Many men are not aware, if they are oversold on direct clitoris stimulation, that most women can be brought to orgasm simply by holding this gently in the cupped hand and kneading or shaking it, before, without, or as well as putting a finger in the vagina (see pubic hair.) He can either grasp it (it exactly fits the palm) or rest the heel of his hand on it while using the fingers on the labia, or he can cup the whole area, mons and closed labia, in palm and fingers; he can then practice seeing how much sensation he can produce with her lying completely closed. In return, she can grasp his mons, circling his penis with her fingers, her other hand on his scrotum; though typically the effect is not the same; some men find that it simply tickles. To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up], for The New Joy of Sex.

The New Joy of Sex: Part 2

THE NEW JOY OF SEX: PART 2. A PRIVATE PERFORMANCE OF FINE ARTS. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up]. Listen to the podcast [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex02.mp3] at How To Sex [https://feeds.feedburner.com/how-to-sex]. [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex02.jpg] The antique idea of the woman as passive and the man as performer used to ensure that he would show off playing solos on her, and early marriage manuals perpetuated this idea. Today, she is herself the soloist par excellence, whether in getting him excited to start with, or in controlling him and showing off all her skills. Solo recitals are not, of course, necessarily separate from intercourse. Apart from leading into it, there are many coital solos; for the woman astride, for example; while mutual masturbation or genital kisses can be fully fledged duets. Solo response can be electrifyingly extreme in the quietest people. Skillfully handled by someone who doesn’t stop for yells of murder but does know when to stop, a woman can get orgasm after orgasm, and a man can be kept hanging just short of climax to the limit of human endurance. The solo-given orgasm, whether from her or from him, is unique; neither bigger nor smaller in either sex than a full duet but different; sharper but not so round. And most people who have experienced both like to alternate them. Trying to say how they differ is a little like describing wine. Differ they do, however, and much depends on cultivating and alternating them. Top-level enjoyment doesn’t have to be varied, it just often is. In fact, being stuck rigidly with one sex technique usually means anxiety. In this book we have not, for example, focused on coital postures to the exclusion of all else. The common positions are now familiar to most people from writing and pictures if not from trial; the more extreme ones, as a rule, should be spontaneous, but few of them have marked advantages. This explains the apparent emphasis in this book on extras; the “sauces and pickles.” That said, individuals who, through a knot in their psyche, are obliged to live on sauce and pickle only are unfortunate in missing the most sustaining part of the meal; exclusive obsessions in sex are very like living exclusively on horseradish sauce through allergy to beef; fear of horseradish sauce, however, as indigestible, unnecessary, and immature is another hang-up, namely puritanism. One of the things still missing from the essence of sexual freedom is the unashamed ability to use sex as play. In the past, ideas of maturity were nearly as much to blame as old-style moralisms about what is normal or perverse. We are all immature, and have anxieties and aggressions. Coital play, like dreaming, may be a programmed way of dealing acceptably with these, just as children express their fears and aggressions in games. Adults are unfortunately afraid of playing games, dressing up, and acting scenes. It makes them self-conscious: something horrid might get out. In this regard, bed is the place to play all the games you have ever wanted to play; if adults could become less self-conscious about such “immature” needs, we should have fewer deeply anxious people. If we were able to transmit the sense of play that is essential to a full, enterprising, and healthily immature view of sex between committed people, we would be performing a mitzvah: playfulness is a part of love that could be a major contribution to human happiness. But still the main dish is loving, un-self-conscious sexual pleasure of all kinds; long, frequent, varied, ending with both parties satisfied, but not so full they can’t face another light course, and another meal in a few hours. The piece de resistance is good old face-to-face matrimonial, the finishing-off position, with mutual orgasm, and starting with a full day or night of ordinary tenderness. Other ways of making love are special in various ways, and the changes of timbre are infinitely varied; complicated ones are for special occasions, or special uses like holding off an over-quick male orgasm, or are things that, like pepper steak, are stunning once a year, but not dietary staples. There are, after all, only two “rules” in good sex, apart from the obvious one of not doing things that are silly, antisocial, or dangerous. One is: “Don’t do anything you don’t really enjoy,” and the other is: “Find out your partner’s needs and don’t balk at them if you can help it.” In other words, a good giving and taking relationship depends on a compromise (so does going to a show; if you both want the same thing, fine; if not, take turns and don’t let one partner always dictate.) This can be easier than it sounds, because unless their partner wants something they find actively off-putting, real lovers get a reward not only from their own satisfaction but also from seeing the other respond and become satisfied. Most wives who don’t like Chinese food, will eat it occasionally for the pleasure of seeing an Asian food loving husband enjoy it, and vice versa. Partners who won’t do this over specific sex needs are usually balking not because they have tried it and it’s a turnoff (many experimental dishes are nicer than you expected), but through ignorance of the range of human needs, plus being scared if these include things like forcefulness, cultivating extragenital sensation, o r role-playing, which previous social mythology pretended weren’t there. Reading a full list of the unscheduled accessory sex behaviors that some normal people find helpful might be thought a necessary preliminary to any extended sexual relationship. REPOLISHING. Couples should match up their needs and preferences (though people don’t find these out at once); you won’t get to some of our suggestions or understand them until you have learned to respond. It’s a mistake to run so long as walking is such an enchanting and new experience, and you may be happy pedestrians who match automatically. Where a rethink really helps is at the point where you have gotten used to each other socially (sex needs aren’t the only ones that need matching up between people who live together), and feel that the surface needs repolishing. If you think that sexual relations are overrated, the surface does need repolishing, and you haven’t paid enough attention to the wider use of your sexual equipment as a way of communicating totally. The traditional expedient at the point where the surface gets dull is to trade in the relationship and start all over in an equally uninstructed attempt with someone else, on the off chance of getting a better match-up by random choice. This is emotionally wasteful, and you usually repeat the same mistakes; better by far to repolish. As to practicalities, we suggest couples either read the book together or (perhaps even better) read it separately, marking passages for the other partner’s attention. This works wonders if; as is often the case; you don’t really talk easily about sexual needs, or are afraid of sounding tactless. Finally, if you don’t like the repertoire or if it doesn’t square with yours, never mind; the aim of The Joy of Sex is to stimulate your creative imagination. Sex books can only suggest techniques in order to encourage you to experiment. You can preface your own ideas with “this is how we play it,” and play it your own way. But by that time, when you will have tried all your own creative sexual fantasies, you won’t need books. INGREDIENTS. TENDERNESS. a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge ol how to heighten that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or last. This, in fact, is what the whole book is about. It doesn’t exclude extremely forceful games (though many people neither need nor want these), but it does exclude clumsiness, heavy-handedness, lack of feedback, spitefulness, and non rapport generally. Tenderness is shown fully in the way you touch each other. What it implies at root is a constant awareness of what your partner is feeling, plus the knowledge of how to heighten that feeling, gently, toughly, slowly, or fast, and this can only come from an inner state of mind between the two of you. No really tender person can simply turn over and go to sleep afterwards. Many if not most inexperienced men, and some women, are just naturally clumsy; either through haste, anxiety, or lack of sensing how the other sex feels; so don’t grab breasts, stick fingers into the vagina, bend the penis, or (and this goes for both sexes) misplace bony parts of your anatomy. More women respond to very light than to very heavy stimulation; just brushing pubic or skin hairs will usually do far more than a whole-hand grab. At the same time, don’t be frightened; neither of you is made of glass. Women, by contrast, often fail to use enough pressure, especially in hand work, though the light, light variety is a sensation on its own. Start very gently, making full use of the skin surface, and work up. Stimulus toleration in any case increases with sexual excitement and even hard blows can become excitants (though not for everyone.) This loss of pain sense disappears almost instantly with orgasm, so don’t go on too long, and be extra gentle as soon as he or she has come. If we could teach tenderness, most of this book would be superseded. If you are really heavy-handed, a little practice with inanimate surfaces, dress fastenings, and so on will help. Strength is a turn-on in sex, but it isn’t expressed in clumsy hand work, bear hugs, and brute force; at least not as starters. If there is a problem here, remember you both can talk. Few people want to be in bed on any terms with a person who isn’t basically tender, and most people are delighted to be in bed with the right person who is. The ultimate test is whether you can bear to find the person there when you wake up. If you are actually pleased, then you can be sure that you are onto the right thing. NAKEDNESS. The normal state for lovers who take their work at all seriously, at least as a basic requisite. They don’t so much start clothed, and shed what they must, as start naked, and add any extras they need. Nakedness doesn’t mean lack of ornament. A woman may take off all her clothes, but put on all her jewels; the only practical need, as with wristwatches, is to see they don’t catch or scratch. This is for daylight; it is difficult to sleep in them. For night, an increase in the value put on lovemaking is probably the main reason that many people now sleep naked. The only exception may be after; warm bodies tend to stick, and a blotter worn by one or other can add to comfort. Nudists used to be associated with health fanatics enjoying a strict regime of cold showers and vigorous sports. Now, thank goodness, a more relaxed attitude prevails. Today, nudity is natural, not a ritual. Organized “nudism” in most countries is a family affair. This is probably a good idea; the nudity of one’s own parents can be worrying to some children, and shouldn’t be overdone. There is, however, a lot to be said for the opportunity to look at men and women in general under unforced conditions; it is the discharge of residual anxiety of this sort about our body acceptability that probably makes group nudity so relaxing, rather than the opportunity to get an all-over tan. There is also evidence that children brought up in a naturist environment may be more responsible when faced with sexual opportunities and asked to make sexual choices. You should be able to pick a naturist club to taste; they offer facilities for open-air nakedness, which are hard to organize at home, and are universally tough on sexual advances, which makes for an almost uniquely relaxed atmosphere. WOMEN (BY HER FOR HIM.) Women, like men, have direct physical responses, sure; science proves that we get turned on just as much as you and as quickly; it’s simply that traditionally we have been discouraged. But our triggers are different (breasts and skin first, please, not a direct grab at the clitoris), and can’t be short-circuited. It matters to us who is doing what, far more than it does to most men. The fact that, unlike you, we can’t be visibly turned off and lose erection often confuses men into hurrying things or missing major resources. It isn’t true that nudity, erotica, and so on; don’t excite us. Probably the difference is that they aren’t overriding things and that we don’t separate them from emotions as easily as you do. Is it fair, I wonder, to give a simple instance? You, sir, can make orgiastically satisfactory love with a near stranger in half an hour flat. But please don’t think for that reason that you can do the same for a woman who loves you personally if, at the end of the half-hour, you turn over and go straight to sleep. Granted this however, there are common reactions. Granted this difference, however, there are common reactions. We seem to be less heavily programmed than you for specific turn-ons, but once we see one of these working on a man we care about, we soon program it into our own response, and can be less rigid and more experimental because of this ability. Often, if women seem under-active, it’s because we are wary of doing the wrong thing with that particular man, like touching up his penis when, in fact, he is trying not to ejaculate; tell us if you see us at a loss. The penis isn’t a “weapon” for us so much as a shared possession; it’s less the size than its personality, unpredictable movements, and moods that make up the turn-on. We like penetration because it makes us feel close to you; but don’t feel put down if we don’t then necessarily climax through it alone (see her orgasm); work with that rather than being discouraged by it. Another important thing is the tough-tender mixture: obviously strength is a turn-on, but clumsiness (elbows in eyes, twisted fingers, for instance) is the dead opposite. You never get anywhere by clumsy brutality; however brutal good lovemaking sometimes looks, the turn-on is strength-skill-control, not large bruises, and the ability to be tender with it. Some people ask “tough or tender?” but the mood shifts so fast that you have got to be able to sense it. Surely it’s possible; because some lovers do it; to read this balance from the feel of the woman. No obsessive views about reciprocity; who comes on top and so on evens out during the passing of time: there can be long spells when we are happy to let you do the work, and others when we need to control everything ourselves and get an extra kick from seeing how we make you respond. Women aren’t “submissive” any more than men; if we have knuckled under in the past, it’s only through social pressures. If we are dominant, we don’t always act it out in bed by wearing spurs and cracking a whip. Men have a real advantage here in the constructive use of play (and can help women to act it out too.) Since we all have some aggressions, good sex can be wildly forceful, but still never cruel. As for sexual equality, nobody can possibly be a good lover without regarding their partner as a person and an equal. That is really all there is to be said on the matter. Our sense of smell is the keener. Don’t over-saturate early on with masculine odors; just before orgasm is probably the time for full odor contact. Our own smell excites us as well as yours. We learn, over a period of time, that the sort of hand and mouth work that men like varies enormously. Some like it very rough, some hate it anything but extremely gentle, others in between. There is no way for us to tell except by asking and being told; therefore it’s up to you to say what you like or you may get the opposite; remember that we love to know how to be good for you. Some men are extraordinarily passive, or unimaginative, or inhibited, and; oddly; when they are any of these things, we don’t become correspondingly forceful. We may long to do things and feel thoroughly frustrated, but we won’t show it in most cases. So a woman’s lovemaking will only be as good as her partner’s and, more important, she will resent any man who is unexciting, not only because he is unexciting, but also because she will know she has been unexciting too. Finally, you should never presume that what excites one woman sexually will work just as well on another woman. Women probably do differ sexually rather more than men, because of the greater complexity of our sexual apparatus (breasts, skin, and so on as well as pussy.) Never assume that you don’t need to relearn for each person. This is also true for a woman with a new man, but perhaps a little less so. MEN (BY HIM FOR HER.) The most valued thing in lovemaking is "the divine gift of lechery.” We often wish that women’s sexuality was like ours, even though we know it isn’t. Our sexual response is far brisker and more automatic: it’s triggered easily by things, like putting a coin in a vending machine. Consequently, women and parts of women provide automatic sexual stimulus for us; your clothes, breasts, odor, and so on aren’t what we love instead of you; simply the things we need in order to set sex in motion and express love. You seem to find this hard to understand. Secondly, most though not all male feeling is ultimately centered in the last inch of the penis (though you can, if you start intelligently, teach us female-type sensitivity all over the surface of our skin.) And unlike yours, our sexuality depends on a positive performance; we have to be turned on to achieve an erection, and not turned off, in order to function; we can’t be passively “taken.” This matters intensely to men at both a biological and a personal level; sexual success is what makes us feel worthwhile. It explains why we are emphatically penis-centered and tend to open the proceedings with genital play, probably before you are ready and when you would much rather wait to get in the mood. Genital approach is how we get into the mood. You need to understand these reactions, as we need to understand yours. A woman’s concern about being a sex object misses the point; sure, the woman and the various parts of her are sex objects, but most men ideally would wish to be treated piecemeal in the same way. Thus, the most valued thing, from you, in actual lovemaking, is intuition of these object reactions, and direct initiative; starting the play, taking hold of the penis, giving genital kisses ahead of being asked; being an initiator, a user of your stimulatory equipment. This is hard to put in simple terms; it is what is meant by “the divine gift of lechery”; the art of sensing turn ons and going along with them for the partner’s response. It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. Remember too that we may simply be tired of having to deliver, in life as well as in bed, and your taking over doesn’t just offer us the ultimate compliment, it also gives us the opportunity to relax and enjoy. Sex may be about the only place in our lives where we get to be held and nurtured. Personal folklore apart, what the male turn-on equipment requires is the exact reverse of a virgin or a passively recipient instrument; not a demand situation, because that in itself can threaten a turnoff due to feelings of inadequacy, but a skill situation; I can turn you on, and turn myself on in doing so, and from that point we play it both ways and together. You can’t, of course, control your turn-ons any more than we can, but it helps if you have some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if we have some sense of atmosphere.) It’s the active woman who understands our reactions, plays on them, and leads them out while keeping her own who is the ideal lover. To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up], for The New Joy of Sex.

The New Joy of Sex: Part 1

THE NEW JOY OF SEX: PART 1. THE ART OF GOURMET LOVEMAKING. 2008, based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up]. Listen to the podcast [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex01.mp3] at How To Sex [https://feeds.feedburner.com/how-to-sex]. [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/TheNewJoyOfSex01.jpg] PREFACE 1. I first wrote this book nearly 20 years and over 8 million copies ago. I am a physician and human biologist for whom the natural history of human sexuality is of as much interest as the rest of human natural history. I had notes on it. My wife encouraged me to bring biology into medicine, and my old medical school had no decent textbook to teach a human sexuality course. Joy was compiled and very importantly, illustrated, just after the end of that daft and extraordinary non-statute in Western society, the Sexual Official Secrets Act. For at least two hundred years, the description, and above all the depiction, of this most familiar and domestic group of activities, and of almost everything associated with them, had been classified. When, in the sixteenth century, Giulio Romano engraved his weightily classical pictures showing sixteen ways of making love, and Aretino wrote poems to go with them, a leading ecclesiastic opined that the artist deserved to be crucified. The public, apparently, thought otherwise (“Why”, said Aretino, “should we not look upon that which pleases us most?”) and Are tin’s Postures have circulated surreptitiously ever since, but even in 1950s Britain pubic hair had to be airbrushed out to provide a smooth and featureless surface. People today, who never experienced the freeze on sexual information, won’t appreciate the propositions of the transformation when it ended; it was like ripping down the Iron Curtain. My immediate predecessor in writing about domestic sex, Dr. Eustace Chesser, was (unsuccessfully) prosecuted for his low-key, unillustrated book Love Without Fear, and even in 1972 there was still some remaining doubt about whether Joy would be banned by the Thought Police. The main aim of “sexual bibliotherapy” (writing books like this one) was to undo some of the mischief caused by the guilt, misinformation, and lack of information. That kind of reassurance is still needed. I have asked various people; chiefly older couples; whether The Joy of Sex told them things they didn’t know, or reassured them about things they knew and already did or would like to do. I have had both answers. One can now read books and see pictures devoted to sexual behavior almost without limitation in democratic countries, but it takes more than a few decades and a turnover of generations to undo centuries of misinformation; and of this material, much is anxious or hostile or over the top. People who worried, when the book first came out, if they did some of the things described in it may now worry if they don’t do all of them. That we can’t help, nor the fact that the same people who went to doctors because of sexual fear and inhibition under the old dispensation now go complaining of sexual indigestion under the new. Sexual behavior probably changes remarkably little over the years; sexual revolutions and moral backlashes chiefly affect the degree of frankness or reticence about what people do in private; the main contributor to any sexual revolution in our own time, insofar as it affects behavior, has not been frankness but the advent of reliable contraception, which makes it possible to separate the reproductive and recreational uses of sexuality. Where un-anxious books dealing as accurately as possible with the range of sexual behaviors are most valuable is in encouraging the sexually active reader; who both wants to enjoy sex and to be responsible about it; and in aiding the helping professions to avoid causing problems to their clients. It is only recently, as ethology has replaced psychoanalytic theory, that counselors have come to realize that sex, besides being a serious interpersonal matter, is a deeply rewarding form of play. Children are not encouraged to be embarrassed about their play; adults often have been and are still. So long as play is not hostile, cruel, unhappy, or limiting, they need not be. One of the most important uses of play is in expressing a healthy awareness of sexual equality. This involves letting both sexes take turns in controlling the game; sex is no longer what men do to women and women are supposed to enjoy. Sexual interaction is sometimes a loving fusion, sometimes a situation where each is a “sex object”; maturity in sexual relationships involves balancing, rather than denying, the personal and impersonal aspects of arousal. Both are essential and built-in to humans. For anyone who is short on either of these elements, play is the way to learn: men learn to stop domineering and trying to perform; women discover that they can take control in the give-and-take of the game rather than by nay-saying. If they achieve this, Man and Woman are one another’s best friends in the very sparks they strike from one another. This book has changed considerably since its first edition and it will be revised again in the future as knowledge increases. What will not change is the central importance of un-anxious, responsible, and happy sexuality in the lives of normal people. For what they need; in a culture that does not learn skills and comparisons in this area of living by watching; is accurate and unbothered information. The availability of this, and public resistance to the minority of disturbed people who for so long limited it, is an excellent test of the degree of liberty and concern in a society, reflected in the now-old injunction to make love, not war. It is a socially relevant test today. Alex Comfort, MB, D Sc, 1991 PREFACE 2. I am a relationships psychologist and sexologist whose lifetime aim, through a variety of expert roles, has been to help people enhance their emotional and sexual partnerships. So when the publishers of The Joy of Sex approached me to “reinvent” the book for the twenty-first century, it seemed to me the fulfillment of everything I have been working for. I well remember the original publication of Joy, and the awed giggles with which I and my friends read, discussed, and then put into practice its suggestions. So I know firsthand what over the decades proved to be true: Joy is an astonishing and inspirational child of its age, born not only out of social but also political changes that irreversibly altered the sexual landscape for individuals, couples, and society. Barely a decade before the book’s 1972 publication, the contraceptive pill had, for the first time in history, enabled women to have control over their own fertility. In its wake came increased female education, emancipation, and self-belief, as well as a whole host of liberalizations, sexual and social; increasing permissiveness, more frequent cohabitation, easier divorce, more available erotica, and gay rights. Joy was not only a product of this revolution, it also helped create it. Dr. Alex Comfort’s aim was to write the first book that gave readers accurate knowledge about sexuality, and permission to use that knowledge. The text and illustrations were designed to both reassure the reader that their sexuality was normal and to offer further possibilities with which to expand their sexual menu. He was hugely effective in his intention; 8.5 million copies of The Joy of Sex have been sold to date and it has been translated into fourteen languages. More than that, it was a key influence on the social changes of the late twentieth century and has been a byword for sexual vision ever since. Why, then, reinvent? There have already been content revisions, in the author’s lifetime and after his death in 2000, the most recent being the highly successful thirtieth-anniversary edition by Alex’s son Nicholas Comfort. But the very changes that Joy itself wrought in society have meant that the book has come to need updating in a more fundamental way. This was my task; to re create The Joy of Sex for the contemporary world; to do what Alex Comfort would have done had he been writing today. The majority of the text remains the same, but substantial additions have been made. Many of these are informational; there have been countless key scientific discoveries in recent years in the fields of physiology, psychology, psychotherapy, and medicine, while the advent of sexology; the specialist study of sexual matters; has resulted in both rigorous academic research and a more widespread public awareness of, and skill in, sex. Alongside these informational updates, a great deal of refocusing has been necessary to reflect social shifts. An intimate relationship is a very different animal from what it was in 1972. It’s now largely expected that sex will be part of every love partnership, that bedroom activity will include practices previously considered outrageous, and that these practices will be informed and often suggested via a new raft of technological advances. It’s acknowledged that a woman can lead just as much as a man, both in bed and out of it; one reason why the publisher chose a woman to reinvent the book. And it is, albeit slowly, now acknowledged that a couple’s sex life lasts well into their later years and increases, rather than decreases, in quality. Yet along with all these positive developments has come a flurry of problems that weren’t predicted in the heady days of 1972. Pressure to have sex; regret that one has had sex; worry that one isn’t sufficiently beautiful to deserve sex; worry that one isn’t having enough sex or enough good sex. And all that is set beside high rates of pregnancy, abortion, and sexually transmitted infections. In the twenty-first century, as we hastily adapt to a society arguably more sexualized than any previous one, it’s a wild world out there. All of which is why the many changes made to Joy have been underpinned by what remains the same; an absolute yet pragmatic optimism around sexuality and its place in our lives. Running throughout the original book was a rock-solid seam of positivity that sex is a good thing and that mature adults, given the right information and inspiration, can be trusted to treat it as such. Despite the headlines and scare stories, I still deeply believe in what Alex Comfort proposed; that sex should be and can be a total joy. I have loved reinventing the book because Alex Comfort’s values and aims are also mine. I too want to present knowledge in an accessible form. To encourage mature decision-making and offer the skills and strategies to do it. To protest attempts to enforce inhibitions on human sexuality. To see sex as the ultimate in human play, but at the same time a developmental essential that helps us grow as people and partners. Above all, to give people not just the technicalities, the fripperies, or the “junk food” of sexual literature, but an intelligent, thoughtful, and “gourmet” treatment of the topic. In the end I return to, and repeat in my own voice, Alex Comfort’s words from his first preface. My intention and my hope is that this book will “benefit the ordinary, sexually active reader; eager to both enjoy sexuality and to be tender and responsible with it.” True in 1972. Just as true today. Susan Quilliam, 2008 WITH YOUR BODY. i like my body when it is with your body. It is so quite new a thing. Muscles better and nerves more. i like your body, i like what it does, i like its hows, i like to feel the spine of your body and its bones, and the trembling firm smoothness and which i will again and again and again kiss, i like kissing this and that of you, i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes over parting flesh.; And eyes big love-crumbs, and possibly i like the thrill of under me you so quite new e. e. cummings ON GOURMET LOVEMAKING. All of us, barring any physical limitations, are able to dance and sing; after a fashion. This, if you think about it, summarizes the justification for learning to make love. Love, in the same way as singing, is something to be taken spontaneously. On the other hand, the difference between Pavlova and the Palais de Danse, or opera and barbershop singing, is much less than the difference between sex as our recent ancestors came to accept it and sex as it can be. At least we recognize this now (so that instead of worrying if sex is sinful, most people now worry whether they are “getting satisfaction”; one can worry about anything, given the determination.) And there are now enough books about the basics; we are largely past the point of people worrying about the normality, possibility, and variety of sexual experience. This book is slightly different, in that there are now enough people who have those basics and want more depth of understanding, solid ideas, and inspiration. To draw a parallel, chef-grade cooking doesn’t happen naturally: it starts at the point where people know how to prepare and enjoy food, are curious about it and willing to take trouble preparing it, read recipe hints, and find they are helped by one or two techniques. It’s hard to make mayonnaise by trial and error, for instance. Gourmet sex, as we define it, is the same; the extra one can get from comparing notes, using some imagination, trying way-out or new experiences, when one already is making satisfying love and wants to go on from there. This book will likely attract four sorts of readers. First, there are those who don’t fancy it, find it disturbing, and would rather stay the way they are; these should put it down, accept our apologies, and stay the way they are. Second, there are those who are with the idea, but don’t like our choice of techniques; remember, it’s a menu, not a rule book. Third, most people will use our notes as a personal one-couple notebook from which they might get ideas. In this respect we have tried to stay wide open. One of the original aims of this book was to cure the notion, born of non discussion, that common sex needs are odd or weird; the whole joy of sex-with-love is that there are no rules, so long as you enjoy, and the choice is practically unlimited. We have, however, left out long discussion of very specialized sexual preferences; people who like these know already what they want to try. The final group of readers are the hardy experimentalists, bent on trying absolutely everything. They too will do best to read this exactly like a cookbook; except that sex is safer in this respect, between lovers, in that you can’t get obese or atherosclerotic on it, or give yourself ulcers. The worst you can get, given sensible safety precautions, is sore, anxious, or disappointed. However, one needs a steady basic diet of quiet, loving, night-and-morning intercourse to stand this experimentation on, simply because, contrary to popular ideas, the more regular sex a couple has, the higher the deliberately contrived peaks; just as the more you cook routinely, the better and the more reliable banquets you can stage. One specific group of readers deserves special note. If you are disabled in any way, don’t stop reading. A physical disability is not an obstacle to fulfilling sex. In counseling disabled people, one repeatedly finds that the real disability isn’t a mechanical problem but a mistaken idea that there is only one “right”; or enjoyable; way to have sex. The best approach is probably to go through the book with your partner, marking off the things you can do. Then pick something appealing that you think you can’t quite do, and see if there is a strategy you can develop together. Talking to other couples where one partner has a problem similar to yours is another resource. In sum, the people we are addressing are the adventurous and uninhibited lovers who want to find the limits of their ability to enjoy sex. That means we take some things for granted; having intercourse naked and spending time over it; being able and willing to make it last, up to a whole afternoon on occasion; having privacy; not being scared of things like genital kisses; not being obsessed with one sexual trick to the exclusion of all others; and, of course, loving each other. As the title implies, this book is about love as well as sex: you don’t get high-quality sex on any other basis; either you love each other before you come to want it, or, if you happen to get it, you love each other because of it, or both. Just as you can’t cook without heat, you can’t make love without feedback. By feedback, we mean the right mixture of stop and go, tough and tender, exertion and affection. This comes by empathy and long mutual knowledge. Anyone who expects to get this in a first attempt with a stranger is an optimist, or a neurotic; if they do, it’s what used to be called love at first sight, and isn’t expendable: “skill,” or variety, is no substitute. Also, one can’t teach tenderness. The starting point of all lovemaking is close bodily contact; love has been defined as the harmony of two souls, and the contact of two epidermis. At the same time, we might as well plan our menu so that we learn to use the rest of our equipment. That includes our feelings of identity, forcefulness, and so on, and all of our fantasy needs. Luckily, sex behavior in humans is enormously elastic (it has had to be, or we wouldn’t be here), and also nicely geared to help us express most of the needs that society or our upbringing have corked up. Elaboration in sex is something we need rather specially and it has the advantage that if we really make it work, it makes us more, not less, receptive to each other as people. This is the answer to anyone who thinks that conscious effort to increase our sex range is “mechanical” or a substitute for real human relationship; we may start that way, but it’s an excellent entry to learning that we are people and relating to each other as such. There may be other places we can learn to express all of ourselves, and do it mutually, but there aren’t many. Those are the assumptions on which this book is based. Granted this, there are two modes of sex; the duet and the solo; and a good concert alternates between the two. The duet is a cooperative effort aiming at simultaneous orgasm, or at least one orgasm each, and complete, untechnically planned release. This, in fact, needs skill, and can be built up from more calculated “love-play” until doing the right thing for both of you becomes fully automatic. This is the basic sexual meal. The solo, by contrast, is when one partner is the player and the other the instrument. The aim of the player is to produce results on the other’s pleasure experience as extensive, unexpected, and generally wild as his or her skill allows; to blow them out of themselves. The player doesn’t lose control, though he or she can get wildly excited by what is happening to the other. The instrument does lose control – in fact, with a responsive instrument and a skillful performer, this is the concerto situation; and if it ends in an uncontrollable ensemble, so much the better. All the elements of music and dance are involved; rhythm, mounting tension, tantalization, even forcefulness: “I’m like the executioner,” said the lady in the Persian poem, “but where he inflicts intolerable pain I will only make you die of pleasure.” There is indeed an element of infliction in the solo mode, which is why some lovers dislike it and others overdo it, but no major lovemaking is complete without some solo passages. To be continued. based on the works of Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam [https://archive.org/details/newjoyofsex0000comf_e0p0/page/n3/mode/2up], for The New Joy of Sex.

Preventions: Part 2

STDS: WHAT ARE THEY AND HOW DO YOU [NOT] GET THEM? By Everyday Health [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/]. Listen to the ► Podcast [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/Preventions2.mp3] at How To Sex [https://feeds.feedburner.com/how-to-sex]. [https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzDaXj6nNio4iTe2NHa6Y14gjUJg3MZ49lnOi_iLTsTwKTQ4l600OoDaCrsM6Fxf5Cl1VpQvMV5WTxijtTUxW7iISuDF2kPPNgvk99ZIe6LXfwEcz8rZHaZj3WLRaC3JTpo8j2KGKUib7Cjx7uvXoj9kE-Tya9qq6piJDpdqYZWwHwochKVdUowKSnYJyE/w640-h640/red-ligh2t.jpg]https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzDaXj6nNio4iTe2NHa6Y14gjUJg3MZ49lnOi_iLTsTwKTQ4l600OoDaCrsM6Fxf5Cl1VpQvMV5WTxijtTUxW7iISuDF2kPPNgvk99ZIe6LXfwEcz8rZHaZj3WLRaC3JTpo8j2KGKUib7Cjx7uvXoj9kE-Tya9qq6piJDpdqYZWwHwochKVdUowKSnYJyE/s2881/red-ligh2t.jpg This episode deals with the following STD concerns:  Chlamydia [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#chlamydia], Genital Herpes [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#genital-herpes], Gonorrhea [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#gonorrhea], Hepatitis B [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#hepatitis-b], HIV [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#hiv], HPV [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#hpv], Molluscum Contagiosum [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#molluscum-contagiosum], Syphilis [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#syphilis], Trichomoniasis [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#trichomoniasis], Chlamydia [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#chlamydia], Genital Herpes [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#genital-herpes], Gonorrhea [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#gonorrhea], Hepatitis B [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#hepatitis-b], HIV [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#hiv], HPV [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#hpv], Molluscum Contagiosum [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#molluscum-contagiosum], Syphilis [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#syphilis], Trichomoniasis [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/#trichomoniasis]. The number of cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), now more commonly referred to as sexually transmitted infections (STI), in the United States hit an all-time high in 2019, according to data released on April 13, 2021, by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC’s surveillance report [https://www.cdc.gov/std/statistics/default.htm] shows that nearly 2.5 million new cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia were reported that year. Chlamydia remained the most common condition reported to the CDC, with close to 1.8 million cases, up 19 percent since 2015. Gonorrhea diagnoses reached 616,392, up 56 percent since 2015. And primary and secondary syphilis diagnoses reached 129,813, up 74 percent since 2015. Of high concern is that congenital syphilis [https://www.everydayhealth.com/syphilis/guide/symptoms/] cases, that is, syphilis in newborns, nearly quadrupled between 2015 and 2019, reaching 1,870 cases. From 2018 to 2019 the number of stillbirths caused by syphilis increased from 79 to 94, and the number of congenital syphilis-related infant deaths rose from 15 to 34 deaths. While the 2019 STD statistics reflect pre-COVID-19 pandemic [https://www.everydayhealth.com/coronavirus/] numbers, preliminary data from 2020 suggests many of the same trends continued during the pandemic. Experts attribute some of the growth in STDs in 2020 to disruptions in STD testing [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/best-at-home-std-testing-kit/] and treatment programs caused by the pandemic. While 2.5 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis may sound like a lot, it’s likely an undercount: Many people with these and other STDs, formerly known as venereal diseases, go undiagnosed and untreated. The CDC estimates that nearly 20 million new sexually transmitted infections occur every year, accounting for almost $16 billion in healthcare costs annually. Inequities in STD Burdens The numbers of STDs increased in all age groups and among all racial and ethnic groups in 2019, according to CDC statistics. However, some groups saw higher rates of STDs than others:People ages 15 to 24 accounted for 61 percent of chlamydia cases and 42 percent of gonorrhea cases. Gay and bisexual men accounted for nearly half of all primary and secondary syphilis cases. Here’s what you need to know about how to spot, treat, and prevent STDs. What Is the Definition of an STD? “STDs are diseases that are passed from one person to another through sexual contact,” a representative of the CDC says. According to the CDC, some of the common STDs are chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes simplex virus type 2 [https://www.everydayhealth.com/genital-herpes/hsv-1-hsv2-cause-genital-herpes/] (HSV-2), human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), human papillomavirus (HPV), and syphilis. "Many of these STDs do not show symptoms for a long time," per the CDC, "but they can still be harmful and passed on during sex.” Virtually all STDs can be transmitted through anal, vaginal, or oral sex. In addition, some STDs can also be transmitted through close skin-to-skin contact, even if no intercourse occurs. HPV, for example, can be spread through skin-to-skin touching. In addition, “Molluscum contagiosum [https://www.everydayhealth.com/molluscum-contagiosum/guide/], a viral skin disease, can be spread through sexual or casual contact, as can scabies [https://www.everydayhealth.com/infectious-diseases/symptoms/how-know-those-bites-are-scabies/], an itchy skin condition caused by a mite infestation. It is also possible to get scabies from an infected sleeping bag or bed,” says Edward W. Hook III, MD [https://apps.medicine.uab.edu/FacultyDirectory/FacultyData.asp?FID=7333], an endowed professor of infectious disease translational research in the departments of medicine, epidemiology, and microbiology at the University of Alabama in Birmingham, who works with the CDC. STDs don’t just affect the genital regions: “Oral herpes [https://www.everydayhealth.com/cold-sores/] can be transmitted through oral and genital sex,” says Dr. Hook. It is important to remember that STDs may have no symptoms. However, new vaginal or urethral discharge or a new rash after sexual contact should be evaluated by a medical professional. When symptoms do occur, they can include the following: Chlamydia Symptoms of chlamydia can include vaginal discharge in women, penile discharge in men, and burning during urination [https://www.everydayhealth.com/urine/what-causes-burning-painful-urination-dysuria/] in men and women. Gonorrhea Gonorrhea can cause thick, cloudy, or bloody discharge from the vagina or urethra, and pain or burning when peeing. If you have gonorrhea in your anus, it may cause itching in and around the anus, discharge from the anus, and pain when defecating. Gonorrhea in the throat may cause a sore throat. Hepatitis B Acute hepatitis B [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hepatitis-b/guide/symptoms/] can cause fever, fatigue, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, abdominal pain, dark urine, clay-colored bowel movements, joint pain, and jaundice (yellowing of the skin and whites of the eyes). Symptoms can appear anywhere from six weeks to six months following exposure to the hepatitis B virus. Chronic hepatitis B sometimes causes symptoms similar to acute disease. Genital Herpes Signs of genital herpes [https://www.everydayhealth.com/genital-herpes/guide/symptoms/] typically include red bumps that develop into blisterlike sores in the genital area and sometimes on the buttocks or thighs. A new infection with HSV-2, the virus that causes most cases of genital herpes, may also cause flulike symptoms, including fever, headache, feeling tired and achy, and swollen glands. Oral Herpes Symptoms of oral herpes can include itching of the mouth or lips, sores or blisters on the lips or inside the mouth, and flulike symptoms such as fever, headache, body aches, and swollen glands. HIV Early symptoms of HIV infection [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hiv/guide/symptoms/] can resemble those of the flu: fever, headache, muscle aches, and sore throat. They may also include swollen lymph nodes, diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, a fungal infection of the mouth, and a rash on the abdomen, arms, legs, or face. If HIV goes untreated, later symptoms can include fatigue, weight loss, night sweats, joint pain, short-term memory loss, and recurrent infections. HPV Most strains of HPV cause [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hpv/guide/] no symptoms and are detected only after abnormal cells are discovered during a Pap smear. However, some types of HPV cause genital warts [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hpv/guide/symptoms/], which appear as skin-colored or whitish growths on the genitals or anus. Molluscum Contagiosum Often the only sign of this skin disease is pink or flesh-colored bumps with a dimple (indentation) in the center. It is most common in children, who typically get it from skin-to-skin contact or from shared towels or similar items. In adults, it can be sexually transmitted. Pubic Lice Symptoms of pubic lice [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/stds/what-is-pubic-lice.aspx] include itching in the genital area, tiny bugs in your pubic hair, and visible nits (eggs) on hair shafts. Pubic lice [https://www.everydayhealth.com/lice/] can also infest the hair on legs, armpits, eyebrows, eyelashes, and other facial hair such as mustaches and beards. More on Scabies and Pubic Lice [https://www.blogger.com/Preventions_files/image001.jpg]https://www.everydayhealth.com/infectious-diseases/symptoms/how-know-those-bites-are-scabies/ How to Know If That Rash Is Scabies [https://www.everydayhealth.com/infectious-diseases/symptoms/how-know-those-bites-are-scabies/] Scabies This skin infestation causes intense itching that is typically worse at night. It can also cause small red bumps or a rash and raised lines on the skin where the mites have burrowed. Syphilis In the primary stage, syphilis causes a painless sore [https://www.everydayhealth.com/syphilis/guide/symptoms/], or ulcer, at the location the bacteria entered the body, often in the genital area. In the secondary stage of syphilis, a rash may occur on the torso and elsewhere on the body. Trichomoniasis Another common STD, trichomoniasis is a parasitic infection that can cause burning and itching in the genital area for men and women as well as painful intercourse. Trich can also cause a smelly discharge and painful or frequent peeing. Can I Have an STD and Not Know It? Yes. Many STDs don’t cause any symptoms, especially during the early stages, so the only way to know for sure if you have one is to get tested. Keep in mind that you can get an STD from having sex with someone who has no symptoms and may not know they have an STD. Are Adolescents Disproportionately Affected? The CDC reports that half of newly reported cases of STDs occur in people between the ages of 15 and 24, noting that young women’s bodies are biologically more susceptible to STDs. “Chlamydia and HPV are common as soon as you become sexually active,” Hook says. “Gonorrhea and genital herpes peak in the late twenties to thirties.” All STDs, though, including HIV, can and do occur at any age. When and How Often Should I Get Tested? “Women should be tested for chlamydia on a regular basis. Some gynecologists test for it automatically, but not all do,” Hook says. [https://www.blogger.com/Preventions_files/image002.jpg]https://www.everydayhealth.com/chlamydia/guide/treatment/ Chlamydia Treatment and Prevention [https://www.everydayhealth.com/chlamydia/guide/treatment/] Testing for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis involves collecting either a urine sample or a swab from the vagina or penis. For other STDs, including HIV, syphilis, and genital herpes, blood testing is most accurate. To test for HPV, a sample of cervical or anal cells must be collected. How often an individual needs to be tested for STDs depends on their level of risk for infection. The CDC recommends the following for testing for chlamydia:Annual screening in sexually active women age 25 and younger and in older women who are at an increased risk for infection because of a new sex partner or multiple sex partners Annual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest risk Screening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visit Annual screening in sexually active people living with HIV The CDC's recommendations for gonorrhea testing include the following:Annual screening in sexually active women who are at risk for infection, which includes women ages 25 and younger Annual screening in men who have sex with men, based on exposure history, with more frequent screening in people at the highest risk Screening in all pregnant women under age 25 and older women who are at an increased risk Annual screening in sexually active people living with HIV The CDC's recommendations regarding screening for syphilis include these guidelines:Screening in all pregnant women at their first prenatal visit Annual screening in men who have sex with men Annual screening in sexually active people living with HIV The CDC has additional recommendations for other STDs [https://www.cdc.gov/std/treatment-guidelines/screening-recommendations.htm]. In all cases, more frequent screening or screening for additional STDs may be appropriate for certain individuals, depending on their risk factors, including sexual behavior and how common a particular disease is in their area. Where Can I Get Tested for STDs? Your family doctor or ob-gyn should be able to do STD testing. In some areas, other options include specialized STD or sexual health clinics. You can find locations in your area that offer fast, free, and confidential testing using the CDC’s Get Tested [https://gettested.cdc.gov/] tool. How Can I Protect Myself From Getting an STD? Abstaining from all sexual contact is the only way to reduce your risk of STDs to zero. But the following measures can also help:Having only one sexual partner, and ensuring that person is monogamous too, lowers your risk of STDs. Proper use of a condom [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/birth-control/] every time you have sex greatly reduces the risk of all STDs. Getting vaccinated against hepatitis B is the best way to avoid this viral infection. The hepatitis B vaccine can be given to people of any age. Getting the HPV vaccine protects you against strains of the virus that cause genital warts and cervical and other cancers. The HPV vaccine is routinely available to people ages 9 through 26. It is additionally approved for adults ages 27 through 45 but not routinely recommended. Adults age 27 or older who believe they would benefit from HPV vaccination [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hpv/guide/vaccine/] should discuss it with their doctors. What Are the Treatment Options for Common STDs? Some STDs are curable with medical treatment, while others can be managed to control symptoms and reduce the risk of transmission. These STDs can be cured with antibiotics:Chlamydia Gonorrhea Syphilis Trichomoniasis STDs that can be cured with insecticides include the following:Pubic lice Scabies Minor surgical procedures such as cryosurgery (freezing) or laser surgery can treat certain STDs:Genital warts caused by HPV [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hpv/guide/treatment/] Molluscum contagiosum [https://www.everydayhealth.com/molluscum-contagiosum/guide/] STDs that can be managed with antiviral medication include these infections:Chronic hepatitis B Genital herpes HIV When precancerous cells caused by HPV are found on the cervix, treatment may include watchful waiting or surgery to remove the abnormal tissue. Does Having One STD Make You More Likely to Get Another? “Having one STD does not predispose you to others, aside from the behavioral risks shared by all STDs,” says H. Hunter Handsfield, MD [https://www.ashasexualhealth.org/ask-the-experts/], a professor emeritus of medicine at the University of Washington Center for AIDS and STD in Seattle, who also served on the board of the American Sexual Health Association. “However,” says Dr. Handsfield, “having genital herpes due to HSV-2, but not HSV-1, roughly doubles the risk of HIV [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hiv/guide/transmission/] if sexually exposed to the virus.” What Happens If STDs Are Left Untreated? “The longer something goes untreated, the more likely it is to cause complications,” Hook says. “Left untreated, infections from gonorrhea and chlamydia [https://www.everydayhealth.com/chlamydia/guide/symptoms/] can travel from a woman’s cervix to her uterus and fallopian tubes, which may cause infertility.” Untreated syphilis "can become neurosyphilis, causing neurological disease,” says Suzanne Fenske, MD [https://www.mountsinai.org/profiles/suzanne-s-fenske], an assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive science at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City. Late-stage complications of syphilis [https://www.everydayhealth.com/syphilis/complications/] also include aortic aneurysm [https://www.everydayhealth.com/aneurysm/types/] and other cardiovascular problems. Untreated HIV can impair the immune system’s ability to fight off infections and diseases, leading to so-called opportunistic infections, neurological complications, and sometimes cancer. Untreated chronic hepatitis B can lead to liver failure, cirrhosis, liver cancer, and death. Failing to treat STDs can have risks for future generations as well. Women who have herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis can transmit the infection to their baby at birth, which is why testing for STDs; and following safer sex recommendations; during pregnancy is so important. HIV can also be passed from mother to child during pregnancy, labor, or delivery, but the risk of transmission can be reduced if the mother takes antiretroviral drugs throughout her pregnancy and the baby receives HIV medicines for several weeks after birth. COMPLICATIONS OF STDS Does the Number of Sexual Partners Affect My Chances of Getting an STD? “As a broad rule, more partners means higher risk,” Handsfield says. “However, there are innumerable exceptions. Some people have 100 or more partners per year and remain free of most if not all STDs. Others have one or two partners and multiple infections over time.” The bottom line is to use condoms or dental dams (small sheets of latex) to lower your risk and discuss STD testing with your medical provider if you are sexually active. Can STDs Recur? A curable STD that has been treated correctly will not recur, but it is possible to get the same STD again. In fact, it’s fairly common. To avoid getting the same STD again, your sexual partner, or partners, must also be treated. And to avoid getting the same or other STDs after treatment, practice safer sex [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hiv-aids/hiv-sexual-intimacy.aspx], including using condoms each time you have sex. The good news is that getting infected more than once does not appear to cause more long-term complications. “In women, a second or third infection with chlamydia may raise the risk of complications like pelvic inflammatory disease,” says Handsfield. “But for the most part, people with multiple episodes of STDs do not fare any worse than after the first infection.” Chlamydia: Often a Silent Disease Many people don't realize they have chlamydia because they don't experience symptoms. That's why the condition is often called a silent infection. But untreated chlamydia [https://www.everydayhealth.com/chlamydia/guide/treatment/] can cause serious complications in both men and women, including ectopic pregnancy in women. To prevent such complications, young women and men at high risk of chlamydia are advised to get tested for it yearly. Genital Herpes: A Lifelong Infection An easily transmitted disease, genital herpes is caused by a virus that stays in the body for life. The infection can cause painful sores to form on the genitals, thighs, or buttocks, but the severity of symptoms ranges widely from no symptoms at all to recurring sores, painful urination, and flulike symptoms. Medication can prevent or shorten outbreaks, as well as lower the chance of passing the virus to a sexual partner. Gonorrhea: Still Curable, but Antibiotic Resistance Is a Problem Gonorrhea is highly contagious and, like chlamydia, may cause mild or no symptoms. If left untreated, though, it can cause serious complications, including pelvic inflammatory disease in women and epididymitis in men. While gonorrhea is curable, some strains of the bacteria that cause it have become resistant to most antibiotics. As of December 2020, the CDC recommends a single 500-milligram (mg) intramuscular dose of the antibiotic Rocephin (ceftriaxone) [https://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/rocephin] for uncomplicated gonorrhea. Treatment for coinfection with Chlamydia trachomatis with oral doxycycline [https://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/doxycycline] (100 mg twice daily for seven days) should be administered when chlamydial infection has not been excluded. Hepatitis B: Disease of the Liver Hepatitis is an inflammation of the liver, and the hepatitis B virus is one of several viral causes of hepatitis. There are also nonviral causes. In the United States, infants have been routinely vaccinated against hepatitis B since 1991, and the rate of acute hepatitis B in the United States has plummeted since then. Worldwide, however, chronic hepatitis B infection is common. HIV: Incurable but Preventable HIV is a virus that attacks the body's immune system, impairing its ability to fight off infections and diseases over time. The final stage of HIV infection is called acquired immunodeficiency syndrome [https://www.everydayhealth.com/hiv/guide/], or AIDS. AIDS is a life-threatening disease. You can reduce your risk of getting sexually transmitted HIV by using condoms correctly and consistently. Just about everyone who is or has been sexually active has had HPV at some point. In most cases, the virus clears up on its own, but when it doesn’t, it can cause genital warts and a variety of types of cancers, depending on which strain of the virus you have. The Gardasil 9 [https://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/gardasil-9#basics](HPV 9-valent [https://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/gardasil-9#basics]) vaccine protects against both warts and cancer and is approved for adolescents and young adults. Molluscum Contagiosum: May Clear on Its Own This viral infection can be sexually transmitted or spread through contact with infected skin or contaminated objects, such as towels and toys. It can also be spread from one area of the body to another by touching a lesion then an unaffected area of skin. In many cases it goes away on its own, but treatments are available if it doesn’t. Syphilis: Life-Threatening if Not Treated Syphilis is a bacterial infection that is growing more common in the United States, particularly among men who have sex with men. It can be cured with penicillin or, in the case of a penicillin allergy, other antibiotics. Left untreated, syphilis can affect the heart and brain and be life-threatening. Syphilis that is passed from mother to infant (congenital syphilis) is also a severe, life-threatening condition. Trichomoniasis: A Parasitic Infection Trichomoniasis is more common in women, particularly young women, than men. The parasite that causes trichomoniasis can infect the penis or vagina but not the mouth, anus, or other body parts. While symptoms of trichomoniasis [https://www.everydayhealth.com/trichomoniasis/guide/] may raise a medical provider’s suspicions, a definitive diagnosis requires a laboratory test. By Everyday Health [https://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/sexually-transmitted-diseases/]. Listen to the ► Podcast [https://archive.org/download/how-to-sex/Preventions2.mp3] at How To Sex [https://feeds.feedburner.com/how-to-sex].