Better Relationships Through Research

Deprogramming Desire — with Dr. Chris Donaghue

What happens when a respectfully monogamous therapist sits down with one of the most outspoken voices in modern sex therapy? In this episode, Daniel Dashnaw talks with Dr. Chris Donaghue, psychotherapist, media personality, and author of Rebel Love and Sex Outside the Lines, about what it really means to “deprogram” desire. Together, they explore how culture, capitalism, trauma, and shame shape our erotic blueprints, and how conscious relationships can transform those inherited scripts. Donaghue discusses how his views on monogamy have evolved over time, the balance between freedom and commitment, and why both can serve as crucibles for growth when chosen consciously. Daniel and Chris also dive deep into the tension between attachment and differentiation, how to stay connected to another without losing yourself. Along the way, they confront the cultural fetishization of safety, the developmental work of risk and truth-telling, and how growth often begins right where comfort ends. You’ll Hear About: * Why sexual shame is less personal than cultural * How capitalism and religion shaped our ideas of love and fidelity * The “fetish of safety” and why growth demands risk * The difference between attachment and differentiation in relationships * How both monogamy and nonmonogamy can serve consciousness—when chosen intentionally Guest: Dr. Chris Donaghue is a psychotherapist and the author of Sex Outside the Lines and Rebel Love. His work challenges mainstream ideas about monogamy, desire, and moralized sexuality, inviting people to cultivate more authentic, embodied, and compassionate forms of connection. If this episode stirred something in you, curiosity, discomfort, or simply the desire to think more deeply about love and commitment. I invite you to explore my written work on the blog. Each post extends these conversations with research-based commentary on relationships, intimacy, and the hidden dynamics that shape how we love. You’ll find articles on attachment, conflict, sexuality, and the psychology behind the habits that make relationships thrive. Visit the blog to keep learning, stay connected, and deepen the work.

Is Your “Type” Just Clay? The Science of Attraction & Shifting Ideals

We all think we have a type, tall and outdoorsy, witty and bookish, maybe even someone who can fold a fitted sheet. But what if “your type” isn’t destiny? What if it’s clay, malleable, reshaped by your experiences and choices? In this episode of Better Relationships Through Research, marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw unpacks a new study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin that literally rewired people’s romantic preferences. The findings reveal that attraction isn’t a fixed script, it’s more like jazz: improvisational, adaptive, and deeply influenced by the values you choose to emphasize. Daniel explores: - Why “ideal partner preferences” matter in relationship science - How our minds reframe traits, seeing flaws as quirks or strengths - The two big forces at work: motivated projection (seeing more of what you value in your partner) and situation selection (choosing environments where those traits thrive) - Why attraction lists often fail in real life, and how to focus on safety, connection, and being truly seen - The takeaway? Your type is flexible. It bends with your experiences, with what you choose to value, and with how you decide to see your partner. ✨ Support Daniel’s Work If this podcast or Daniel’s blog has sparked reflection or given you tools for your own relationships, consider supporting his work. You can now make micro-donations through Buy Me a Coffee, PayPal, or Cash App—with direct links available in the footer of Daniel’s website. Regular supporters also gain access to private posts and deeper dives into the research behind love and intimacy.

Growing Into Love, The Science of Positive Illusions & The Michelangelo Effect

Romantic comedies sell us the myth of instant compatibility, find your soulmate, cue the fireworks, and live happily ever after. But real couples know love doesn’t just arrive fully formed; it’s something you grow into. In this solo episode of Better Relationships Through Research, marriage and family therapist Daniel Dashnaw unpacks what decades of psychology research reveals about how partners truly shape each other over time. From positive illusions that soften our view of each other’s quirks, to the Michelangelo Effect that shows how couples sculpt one another’s best selves, Daniel explores why long-term love is less about perfection and more about growth. You’ll hear about: - Why happy couples don’t see each other with “cold-eyed objectivity” - How attraction and even “our type” bend to fit the partner we choose - What supportive chiseling looks like versus controlling critique - The science of self-expansion: how two lives intertwine into a shared future - At its core, this episode reveals why “growing into your partner” isn’t a consolation prize, it’s the quiet mechanism that makes commitment last. ✨ Support Daniel’s Work If Daniel’s blog or podcast has been meaningful to you, consider supporting with a small donation. New micro-donation options are now available directly through Buy Me a Coffee, PayPal, and Cash App. You’ll find the links in the footer of Daniel’s website, where regular supporters will also gain access to private posts and deeper dives.

7 Hidden Signs of a Healthy Love Nobody Talks About

Healthy relationships don’t always sound dramatic. Often, they sound like quiet understanding in the kitchen, like a pause in the middle of conflict, or like a gentle “That makes sense.” In this follow-up to his previous episode on relationship language, Daniel Dashnaw shares seven more phrases emotionally secure people say, and what they reveal about trust, connection, and repair. From “I don’t need you to fix it” to “How can I love you better right now?” each phrase is rooted in attachment science, co-regulation, and the ethics of care. Daniel explores how these everyday words aren’t just nice, they’re neuroscience-backed signals of real emotional safety and partnership. 💬 if you’re a therapist, in a relationship, or just trying to love better, this episode offers real-world language that fosters deeper intimacy and secure functioning. 🧠✨ Want to support Daniel’s ad-free, research-based podcast? You can now buy him a coffee through the link in the footer of his website. Every micro-contribution helps keep this work going.

7 Phrases That Signal Real Relationship Health

In this monologue episode, Daniel Dashnaw shares seven phrases that reveal the heart of a healthy relationship, not just in words, but in how they shape the nervous system, build trust, and support lasting connection. From “I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells with you” to “Let’s figure out how this fits into both of our lives,” Daniel explores what these statements really mean, and why they matter. Drawing on clinical insight and attachment science, he explains how language can reflect deep safety, co-regulation, and secure functioning in partnerships. are you building a new relationship or strengthening a long-term one? These seven statements can become guideposts for emotional attunement and resilient love.  Want to support Daniel’s work? You can now buy him a coffee [https://danieldashnawcouplestherapy.com/#footer] via the link in the footer of his website. Every micro-contribution helps keep this podcast ad-free and deeply researched.