I Don't Know How to be Trans - LIVE Podcast - Essex Podcast Festival 2026
So…..I did a thing.
No, not another award!……..(Yet! - OMG So egotistical right?!)Not another billboard……..(Yet! - Ok Total narcissist here!)Not another “multi-award-winning” bio update (Yet! - although if you’re new here, yes, I will mention it casually at inappropriate moments).
I recorded a live I Don’t Know How To Be Trans special for the Essex Podcast Festival.
In a café. In Chelmsford. On a sofa. With actual humans. Many Clapping. At me. On purpose…..I think!
And sitting next to me was the ridiculously brilliant Jude Guaitamacchi, who I adore, who is smarter than me in a quiet poetic way, and who absolutely ruins my life every time they write something because I read it and think, well that’s it, I’m never writing again!……until I have a few glasses of red and unleash an essay on my recent discovery of a leg shaver that doesn’t rip me to shreds!
We started with nonsense. Obviously!…..Starting turf wars between Chelmsford and Colchester.Me pretending this is a weekly podcast empire instead of a chaotic hashtag I birthed on LinkedIn at 2am one night because I didn’t know how else to explain my life……and then it shifted.It always does.
We talked about being trans in 2026 and whether we’d recommend it. Would we leave a review. How many stars. What would the comments say.
“Lovely authenticity, shame about the political climate.”
We talked about Jude realising at 30, they were something more! That penny drop moment. That looking back and seeing all the signs like some emotional crime scene board with red string connecting everything.We talked about me starting transition in 2021 and everyone blaming lockdown like COVID personally handed me a wig and said go on then……What an image!
We talked about how “trans” isn’t a door you walk through like some dramatic before and after TV show. It’s an umbrella. It’s messy. It’s expansive. It’s trans women like me growing boobs and walking into door frames because spatial awareness has never been a strong point. It’s trans-masc non-binary humans like Jude navigating a world that suddenly reads them differently and quietly reorganises them without asking permission.
That bit hit.
When Jude read from their piece about living in the middle ground. About being seen as male in public but not feeling that binary internally. About women crossing the street. About not knowing the social rules anymore……….The room went still.Because that’s the bit people don’t hear about.Everyone wants the headline version of trans lives. The loud stuff. The scary stuff. The debate stuff. The awards! (Insert cheeky nod emoji!)
But the quiet stuff? The subtle alienation? The loss of belonging in spaces you once fit into?……That’s the real story.We spoke about language. About this whole “gender critical” rebrand. About how turning someone’s existence into a debate feels when you are literally sat there existing…….like “hi ya, sitting here!”We spoke about pronouns and how intention matters more than perfection. How I’d rather someone try and fumble than avoid it entirely out of fear. How getting it wrong is human. How learning is allowed to be messy.
We spoke about gender euphoria. Not dysphoria. The good stuff. The first time someone calls you “she” and it lands in your chest in a way you didn’t know you needed. The first summer after top surgery and looking in the mirror and not flinching. Taking your bra off at the end of the day and feeling like you’ve conquered Everest.
Yes. We covered all of it. You’re welcome.
I told the story of my transphobic dog. Because of course I did. The rescue Romanian dog who loves everyone in my house except me and apparently doesn’t know what category I fit into. The dog trainer who gently suggested he “doesn’t know your purpose”. Honestly. Imagine transitioning, speaking on panels, being on billboards, doing live festivals… and your dog still looks at you like you’re suspicious.
Humbling.We laughed. A lot. But there were these tiny pauses throughout the episode. Little moments where you could feel people leaning in. Not in a rubbernecking way. In a listening way……..And that’s why this episode matters.
Because it isn’t a lecture. It isn’t a debate. It isn’t me shouting statistics at you.
It’s two trans people saying, this is what it feels like.This is what belonging feels like when it shifts.This is what authenticity feels like when you finally stop fighting it.This is what confusion feels like.This is what joy feels like.
And here’s the biggest thing……..I still don’t know how to be trans.
Not in a manual, rulebook, perfect spokesperson way……..But I accept that I am.
And sitting in the Club Cafe, in Chelmsford, with Jude next to me and people listening instead of arguing, I realised something quietly huge.
Maybe none of us know how to be anything. Maybe we’re all just working it out out loud.
So if you want chaos and softness in the same hour…If you want humour with bite and heart…If you want to understand without being preached at…If you want to hear what happens when two trans people are given microphones and zero supervision…
Go listen.
It’s messy. It’s funny. It’s honest. It’s very me……..And I’m really proud of it.
………..Even if my dog isn’t.
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