The Love Your Life Podcast

Episode 26: Endings

The Love Your Life Podcast Episode 26: Endings Are the Place We Begin Hi, and welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast. I’m glad you’re here. Today we’re talking about endings—something we all face, again and again. This time of year brings a lot of them. School years wrap up. Kids move on to the next phase. Some of us are sending high school graduates out into the world. And honestly? That’s been one of the hardest transitions I’ve faced—not when I graduated, but when my own child did. Endings come in all shapes: Jobs change. Relationships evolve. Kids grow. Bodies age. Dreams shift. And eventually, life itself ends. As William Bridges puts it in his book Transitions, “Transition is the natural process of disorientation and reorientation marking turning points in the path of growth.” And yet, most of us don’t give ourselves space for that disorientation. We want to rush to the fresh start and skip the messy middle. But real transitions begin with endings. Not just the event—but what it means internally. How we’re changed by it. Let me ask you—what’s ending in your life right now? A role? A belief? A relationship? A version of you? And how are you responding to it? Are you letting it go—or clinging to what was? That image of the monkey trap comes to mind—reaching in for the fruit, refusing to let go, and staying stuck because of it. That’s how we can get with old identities, patterns, even pain. Not because they serve us—but because they’re familiar. Scarcity tells us, “This might be as good as it gets.” But what if that’s not true? What if letting go is how we clear space for something better? Letting go isn’t easy. It takes courage and a willingness to accept what is. So, here’s what I want to invite you to do this week: ACTION ITEM: Write down your answers to these two questions: What is ending in my life right now? What emotions am I feeling around that ending—and what are they trying to tell me? Name it. Sit with it. Let yourself feel it instead of stuffing it down. Most emotions, when given space, move through us in under five minutes. When we avoid them, they stay—sometimes for years. Socrates said, “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” But you can’t build the new until you acknowledge what’s ending. This is where real clarity begins. Thanks for joining me today. In the next episode, we’ll talk about the neutral zone—what I call “the soup”—that awkward, messy, middle part. And why it’s so important not to rush it. Until then, honor the ending. Let it do its work. Talk soon.

Episode 25: Curiosity Does A Lot More Than Kill Cats!

Hello and Welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast – This is Episode #25 – Curiosity Does a Lot More Than Kill Cats! I am genuinely excited to talk about one of my favorite and most useful feelings today — the feeling of curiosity. More often than not, we stay focused on feelings we don’t particularly like or want — things like anxiety, loneliness, anger, fear, or overwhelm. And we know that where our focus goes, our energy grows. So, the more we pay attention to how anxious or angry we are, the more anxious or angry we become. And here’s something that might surprise you: resisting something we don’t want is actually the same as focusing on it. That’s why what we resist... persists. So one of the most powerful shifts we can make is simply becoming aware when we’re resisting — when we’re wishing things or people were different, or when we’re caught up in emotions we don’t want. Because once we notice that we’re focused on what we don’t want, we gain a beautiful opportunity: We get to interrupt that pattern — and redirect our attention toward something that will actually serve us. And this is where curiosity comes in. Curiosity is the feeling that helps us build a bridge — a bridge away from what we don’t want, and toward what we do. That makes it one of the most valuable tools in any emotionally intelligent toolkit. If you’ve ever been gripped by the struggle and overwhelm of negativity, you probably know exactly how it shows up for you. Some people tell me it feels like a black hole, with slippery walls and fog swirling around their heads. Others say it’s like a loop of loud, demanding voices they can’t turn off. Personally, I’ve found myself in stretches where everything feels hopeless and negative — and I don’t even realize it until I hear the way I’m speaking to myself or the people closest to me. However your own personal vortex of doom presents itself, I want you to hear this: It’s only an illusion. You don’t have to believe everything it tells you. You don’t have to take every feeling at face value. But — and this part is important — you do have to wake up to it. You have to realize that these feelings are not in alignment with the most joyful, loving, empowered version of you. And today, I want to show you that the fastest way to break free... is curiosity. So Let’s Talk Brain Science (Because It’s So Cool) and you know I am always in awe of how incredible it is that our emotional and physical systems are so delicately balanced. Curiosity is a lot like gratitude because curiosity literally changes your brain. When you get curious, your brain releases dopamine, which is a feel-good chemical that fuels motivation and attention. At the same time, your hippocampus — the part of the brain involved in learning and memory — lights up. That means when you’re curious, you’re not only more engaged, but you actually learn and grow more easily — even if the topic isn’t directly related to what you were curious about. With the dopamine flowing and the hippocampus lit up Curiosity is fueled to moves us out of negative emotions like fear, anxiety, and overwhelm to name a few - and into a space with more possibility and openness that is a lot like exploration. Curiosity has the power to invite softness, compassion, and sometimes even awe when we discover something that we had never noticed before. If you think of children learning new things, they are not usually scared, but they are almost always present. This is the type of energy we are able to step into when we invite curiosity in as the antithesis to fear, anxiety, criticism, judgement, sadness, hopelessness, and anger. Hopefully this information ignites a spark of curiosity today - Maybe you are questioning if this could actually help when you are in your next swirling vortex of doom? Maybe you doubt that it could be that simple, if this is you, ask yourself to consider that maybe I’m on to something and it could possibly be worth your time to find out? Maybe you are just tired of always feeling negative, and you might muster a little grain of hope to consider that there might be something here that you have been looking for today. That is curiosity my friend! Today I will share 3 steps that can move you from negativity, to awareness, to change - and then I will share a couple examples with you to illustrate how curiosity helps us at any age or stage. Step 1: Reflect on Your Daily Emotional Landscape Each night, ask yourself: What were my top three feelings today? If you notice that your answers are consistently negative — frustration, exhaustion, resentment — that’s a signal. Not a judgment. Just a signal. And it’s time to get curious. Step 2: Ask Gentle, Honest Questions Start asking yourself questions about your emotions — not to fix them, but to understand them. “I wonder why I felt that way today?” “What might have been going on underneath that irritation?” “Was I tired, hungry, stressed, or overloaded?” “What was I needing that I didn’t get?” These kinds of questions aren’t about solving a puzzle — they’re about opening your mind up to different possibilities to consider. Curiosity doesn’t expect specific answers, but it does invite you to greater awareness. And that’s where transformation begins. Step 3: Gently Redirect When You’re Stuck When you find yourself spiraling in a negative loop, practice gently redirecting your attention by asking: “What am I not seeing yet?” “If there’s something here for me to learn, what might it be?” “What else could be true in this situation?” You’re not pretending things are okay. You’re simply creating space between yourself and the story your mind is stuck on. And that space? That’s where insight lives. . Thank you for joining me today for Episode 25 – Curiosity Does a Lot More Than Kill Cats! If this episode sparked something for you, I’d love to hear about it. Send me a message or share your insight with someone you love.

Episode 24: The Next Right Step

Hello and Welcome to the Love Your Life Podcast - This is Episode 24 - The next right step. I had a fantastic session with one of my beautiful clients yesterday and decision making came up. It reminded me that it would be a great podcast episode because it is so fundamental to how we do all the things in our lives. Each of us has a pattern for the way we make decisions. Some of us get through decisions with less stress than others. Some stages of life seem to have more frequent decisions than other stages, and some decisions have bigger results than others. No matter where you are in the stages, the stress, and the opportunities to make decisions, I can predict that you will have a chance to practice what you learn with me today sooner than later. Before we get into the practical tools, I want to start with a story—because sometimes the clearest truths come from the simplest places. Aesop’s fables have been around for thousands of years, and in a way, they’re like ancient life coaching sessions. They use animals and metaphors to teach us about ourselves, our patterns, and our choices. And today’s fable, in particular, speaks right into the heart of decision-making—especially when we’re stuck in our heads with too many options. Let me tell you the story of The Fox and the Cat. One day, a fox and a cat were talking about how they would escape danger if it came their way. The fox boasted, “I know a hundred clever tricks to get away.” The cat replied, “I only know one—but it always works.” Just then, they heard hunters coming. The cat immediately climbed a tree and hid in the branches. The fox, in a panic, couldn’t decide which of his hundred tricks to use—and in that hesitation, he was caught. The moral? Better one safe way than a hundred you cannot decide between. So often in our lives, it’s not lack of options that paralyzes us—it’s the overwhelming number of them. We overthink. We hesitate. We wait for the “perfect” choice to appear. But the truth is: clarity often comes from action—not from thinking harder. Have you heard that one before? It is a good one. Especially in our modern world that is rich with so many good things. Today I want to share 5 things that will help with any decision you have to make. #1 - Beware of the temptation to believe there is only one right answer. IF you are like the fox with lots of options then you can become paralyzed when trying to choose the right one. I have talked to you about cognitive biases before. One such bias or distortion is called splitting. Splitting is a mental operation that divides the world into black or white thinking also known as binary thinking like - Good/bad, Right/wrong, Fair/Unfair, Always/Never win/lose success/failure to name a few - Splitting things into categories is developmentally appropriate for humans to do as children who are trying to make sense of a world that is unpredictable and emotionally overwhelming. .It helps them create order and safety which supports emotional regulation early on as effectively pushes the pause button until they can gain more information and experience to grow into more nuanced thinking. It also helps to lay the groundwork for moral development. Children love boundaries because they feel safe, splitting is like a moral boundary. The more rigid it is the safer it feels at first - so children start to notice the things that will keep them safe - but as we grow we have the capacity to add context, empathy, reasoning, into our thinking which gives us the opportunity to learn how to integrate opposing things and allow them both to be true. LIke the concept that smoking is bad for your health - but it doesn’t mean you are a bad person if you smoke. Or the idea that my friend was mean today, but that doesn’t mean she's a bad person. Little kids don’t understand this from the get go. We all have to develop through this cognitive processor that we start with toward more emotional maturity, and most of us eventually do, but that doesn’t mean that there are not remnants of it ready to jump in when we are tired, stressed, or not intentional. And as it turns out - making decisions is one of those areas where our default programming loves to jump in and overly simplify a process with the hope of providing a sense of safety as fast as possible. But once we start on the path of craving safety, we are more likely to invite fear into our equations. And Fear is never the fuel we want to use to build a life that we love. Safety can be good- but it eventually gets cold, dark, and lonely as we hide away in our safe places. So when making decisions be alert and aware when your brain offers to you that there is a right or wrong decision. When you catch yourself doing this - You can soothe yourself by reminding your brain that there is not one right and one wrong answer - there are simply results that you might like more or less than other results, and you invite yourself to be curious about what those results would be that you would like most. The sooner you get yourself settled and the sooner you can begin the search for the result you think you will like most and begin the process of choosing that. Which is commonly referred to as a decision! Lol 2: Get the Thoughts Out of Your Head You might have noticed when you approach a decision that your options start spinning around in your head all of the time. I think of it like the little spinning wheel on the computer screen while the computer is loading. There is one fast way out of that and that is to get it all out of your brain and into a more tangible form which is best done by writing it out. Your brain is a terrible storage device. Put your thoughts on paper where you can see them clearly. You can call it a thought download, a brain dump, or thought vomit. Just get it out and give yourself a chance to look at it. Ask yourself what you are worried about, afraid will happen, or avoiding first. This allows your lower brain to get out all of the things that it is trying to protect you from. You will feel so much better when you notice the things you want to avoid. 3: Then Get curious- and know your own mind We have already noted that we don’t make our best decisions fueled by fear - so let’s use curiosity to help us here. You are still going to be writing during this part of the process. Start by asking yourself what you need to know to make this decision. Gather any information that your brain comes up with. As an answer to this question. Next ask yourself what you would prefer as the most ideal outcome? This can be tricky if you have only ever looked for the right/wrong answers- But it is so important to take into account what you would actually prefer. You are the one who gets to write the story of your life - don’t let your default programming determine that for you - to me that would be like letting AI decide for me - If it feels overwhelming - just promise yourself to stay curious about that. Depending on the decision, you might break down how the outcome would affect you and the people you are deciding for/with in different ways. I like to use these areas to keep in mind- Physical - Emotional- Fiscal - Social - Spiritual - Familial If you take the time to write down what your goals are in these areas first, you can then get curious how your decision would best align with these goals. The best decisions are going to be in alignment with your goals and values. After you have done the work to know your own mind - you can invite others into your collection of information if your decision involves or affects them. Don’t muddy the water by too many other opinions though - 4- Make the Decision -.and immediately choose to stop deciding- you can do this by Set a deadline. Give yourself a reasonable timeframe to think, gather information, talk to who you need to talk to, and get clear. Make the decision. Once you’ve made it—commit. Don’t revisit it every day. Don't keep circling. I tell myself all the time to fish or cut bait - once we make a choice we need to let it go - and if I have made a choice - I don’t get to beat myself up regretting it - I minimize this - by Set a future date to re-evaluate. If the decision needs adjusting later, you’ll know when to revisit it. Until then—trust yourself and move forward. This frees up so much mental energy. Constant reconsideration is exhausting and rarely helpful. You made a thoughtful choice. Let it stand. 5: You Get to Pivot Here’s the truth: There’s always another next right thing. No decision has to be final forever. You get to choose again. You get to adjust. You get to grow. So if you’re tired from thinking about something too much, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “I don’t have to find the one perfect answer. I just need to take the next right step.”

Episode 23: It's Not About YOU

Welcome to The Love Your Life Podcast, This is Episode #23: It’s Not About You The thing I love most about coaching is the way it can help us improve our relationships. With higher levels of awareness leading us to personal responsibility, we set ourselves and those we love up to become more curious about the people around us which then leads to more compassion for their perspectives and personal struggles. As you have spent some time with me in previous podcasts, you might have already grabbed a hold of an idea or a thought process that has helped you to become more aware of what is going on in your own mind. Awareness is the number one most important first step any of us can make if we want to progress towards change, which could be a myriad of different goals: changing our behaviors, changing our feelings, changing our levels of acceptance for our circumstances, increasing more love and connection in our relationships, etc. Oftentimes, awareness can feel awful. Once we start seeing what we are bringing with us everywhere in terms of our attitudes and actions and start to take 100 percent responsibility for it, it is impossible to not see the things we have done that we are not proud of. If you have hit this stage already - congratulations! You are progressing into the next stage which is using this awareness to make subtle shifts in your thinking, which will change how you feel and how you behave in any given area of your life. You are not doing it wrong, you are simply beginning the process of waking up for the fog that has kept you from seeing the power you have to be the creator of your own life. As I say this, it sounds kind of flowery, and mythical. So let me try another way to explain it - So many of us have spent our lifetimes believing that our circumstances are in charge of how we feel and interface with our life. We believe that feelings are unpredictable and are made or managed by how many good or bad things are happening to us or around us. This is a very vulnerable way to live. It feels out of control, powerless, and sometimes like we are victims to the whims of the people and entities around us. What I am offering as the next step is the understanding that as we become aware of what we are thinking and start to connect our thoughts to the creators of our feelings, and we step into responsibility that those feelings drive the actions of our lives which create the results of our lives, it feels like power and a new form of control. We are no longer victims to the people and entities around us, we are in the driver's seat of what we feel and what we do - and with that awareness comes a bit of remorse for the things we have done when we believed that we were not responsible for our feelings. It also brings the awareness that you have options and choices to make in how you want to create, set up, direct, and interface with your life. You are in charge and this is great news! No one can tell you how you have to think about your life, and no one can limit what you want to create in it. Awareness of this process is such a gift! (which is why I am on a mission to make it available to as many people as I can!) Frequently when I am coaching a client they feel remorse that they didn’t know these things sooner in their life. They wish that they could have had it when their kids were younger and they could have taught them better, or built a stronger family culture. I myself had to slog through this kind of remorse. I had to go through the process to learn that everything happens in perfect timing. This kind of thinking helped me feel grateful that I got my hands on this knowledge when I did. Even though gratitude feels better than sadness that I missed out earlier, it doesn’t take away my awareness that the sooner these principles and practices are gifted to a human, the better off that human is because they will have more clarity as they set up the foundation for their future sooner than I did! So if you are someone who loves younger people and wants to share this information with them, this episode is for you and for them! It is the number one thing I wish I could help younger people understand so that they can shield themselves with this belief when people around them behave poorly. That is - that what other people say and do, or don’t say and don’t do, tells you more about them than it does about yourself. In fact, their words and actions can lead you to understand what they think, you can actually start figuring out what their thought models are, and you will be able to do that long before they do, with my help. What is a thought model anyway? A thought model is the name for the process I have been teaching since episode 2 in this podcast - it is simply that we all have circumstances outside of our control. These circumstances are made up of the people, places, and things around us. They are the facts of our lives, it can be as big as the economy of the world, or as small as what someone whispered as they walked by you in the hallway at school. But circumstances are just facts. They don’t mean anything until we think a thought about them. We think thoughts about circumstances because our brains are always trying to make sense of how the things happening around us relate to ourselves. There are a number of reasons the brain does this. For today, let's just go with the understanding that it is a primary survival instinct because our ancestors who were hyper-aware of their needs, dangers, and social status had a better chance of surviving and passing on their genes. It's important to understand that this is the default mode of your brain. It is what your brain does consistently when not managed. As we grow, we are better able to manage our brains and have them work for us, instead of against us. And understanding the thought model helps us grow into this ability to manage our thoughts- Once you understand that your brain is always thinking thoughts about the people places and things around you, you are ready to see how that relates to the next step of the thought model - That is that the thoughts you think, contribute to and sometimes outright create the feelings in your body. Feelings are simply vibrations of energy that pulse through your body like waves - and they are generated by your thoughts. By being informed of this early in your life you are at an advantage. You don’t have to be scared when you feel feelings, even when they are big ones. They are simply vibrations of energy in your body - and the best part is that you have more control over them than you might have believed when you thought your circumstances created them. The truth is that we are all the buffer between our circumstances and our feelings- The thought model continues to teach us that once a feeling is vibrating through our body, that vibration of energy drives our actions or our inactions - and those actions and inactions combined together, create results in our lives. You might be saying, ok Ronda, this is all fine and good, but why do you want me as a teen or young adult to know this about myself and the people I bump into on the daily? And I am eager to answer that question today! It is because when you understand that every person on this planet is walking around thinking thoughts about their circumstances (which ps you are a circumstance to other people frequently) and that the thoughts they think create their feelings, and that those feelings, drive their actions and inactions - then you can understand why I am telling you that what other people say and do and don’t say and don’t do has nothing to do with you! It is only giving you clues to what they are thinking - because those thoughts are creating all of their feelings, actions and results. The person who can be curious about what other people are thinking and question why someone does what they do, is the person who is better able to stay insulated from the actions of others, and is the person who is able to become aware of what their own thoughts are about themselves and others - it saves you a lot of self induced suffering, Let’s look at some examples - that can help me illustrate my point with the most clarity I can. Here is a pattern that plays out in educational institutions daily. Sam says to George, you are so weird. Why are you hanging out with losers? This is the circumstance - are you having a reaction to this right now, just as I speak it? Let’s look at two possible options for George to react. The first would be a reaction that is not aware of thoughts, and is unmanaged. George - could feel embarrassed when he heard Sam say this, and he then entertained the thought that his friends are losers, and he must be a loser too as long as he is around them. This feeling of embarrassment would produce specific actions - like avoiding his friends when others were watching, trying to act like he doesn’t like them either to Sam, he might abandon his own integrity and say things he doesn’t believe that are negative about his friends, he might even speak disparagingly to them in front of others - and he would then in effect create the result of isolating himself from his friends, and create a situation where he has lost connection to peers and even more sadly lost connection to trusting himself. As he created isolation and disconnection from good friends in his life, he would be creating more evidence that he doesn’t have good friends and that he has indeed lost them or is a loser- Here is how this could play out differently if George had the super power of understanding that Sam’s words mean more about Sam than they do about him. This is is how it would shake out - Sam says to George, you are so weird. Why are you hanging out with losers? When Sam says this - George is instantly aware that Sam is giving him a coded message - and George shifts into a feeling of curiosity. He listens to what Sam says, and wonders what feelings are driving Sam’s actions? Is Sam feeling judgmental because he has grown up being judged by outward things? Is Sam lashing out because someone hurt him recently? Is Sam pointing out something negative in others because he feels lonely and excluded from friends himself? Is Sam having a hard time in his own life, at home, with school, or any other area? AS George fuels his thoughts with curiosity about Sam - nothing Sam says feels so personal - He doesn’t shift to believing Sam - He doesn’t shift towards defending himself or being embarrassed because Sam is right - He simply stays curious about what Sam is teaching him about Sam. It is much easier at this point to notice that Sam is feeling something - that created the energy to speak negative words - which create the result of George steering clear of Sam in the near future - or at the very least - suspending trust towards Sam. and George walks away unaffected by Sam’s Negativity. Case Study 2 - Here is another scenario I hear frequently. Elizabeth walks into a room where she doesn’t know anyone - Maybe it’s a new class schedule and her close friends aren’t in her lunch time, or she has moved to a new school and doesn’t know anyone, or it is a new season of a sport at a new level and they all played before but she didn’t play with them - you pick for you how this might look in your world. But Elizabeth walks into a room where she doesn’t know anyone - and nobody looks up from their phones or their groups - no one says, hello. No one invites her to sit near them, in fact, they act like she isn’t there. Elizabeth doesn’t know that all of these non actions are telling her something about the people in the room - she thinks it means something about her - Her thoughts are - “What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone see me?” This jumping off point - spirals to other thoughts - like “ What am I going to do? Feeling a little panicky, or I knew I shouldn’t have worn this outfit, or maybe, I can get my mom to come get me?” These thoughts lead her to feel embarrassed about herself, nervous and panicky about being in a place where no one cares about her, and drives her to sit separated and not initiating any conversation, eye contact, or smiles herself- Which creates the result of further separation and no chance to get to know anyone in the room. This can go on as long as Elizabeth keeps believing her thoughts that something is wrong with her - or as she shifts to judging them for being non inclusive snots - and new friendships will not be made. Let’s try on the circumstance with an Elizabeth that understands that what people do and don’t do tells her something about them, not about her. When she walks in the room and nobody looks up, makes eye contact or invites her to sit - she is aware that her brain wants to look inward - instead she remembers she needs to stay curious right now and figure out the clues these kids are giving her. She wonders if she has ever been in a room of people she is comfortable with before and not been aware enough that someone was new and not including them? She remembers that there was that new girl at the church meeting recently that she didn’t go introduce herself- she kind of kicks herself for that in this moment, and also realizes that sometimes people are just distracted. She wonders what these kids are distracted with? Do they use their phones as shields because they have social anxiety? Are they having a bad day? Are they worried about not fitting in? Is it possible they are judgmental and self absorbed? Sure - that could easily be the case - and she remembers how that one girl in the bathroom didn’t sound very nice talking to her friend about the teacher. But she reminds herself that she wasn’t judgmental when she forgot to talk to the new girl at church, she was just distracted and a little nervous - This curiosity feels soothing - like she can look at herself from outside her body and see what it's like to be a new person in a room of full of people- She uses this moment of soothing - to scan the room and look for someone that looks sad, bored, or isolated themselves - and chooses them as the person she will go sit by and practice her reaching out skills that she has been learning with her life coach, Ronda. She takes a deep breath and wills herself forward - She decides to go with the Use an Observation + Question Approach- This means that she sits herself comfortably near the person and speaks out loud an observation about the room of people. It could be something like - wow - looks like there are a lot of people on their phones right now - Followed by a question: Do you think the teacher will ask us to put them away when they get here? Once the person looks up from their phone and answers, Elizabeth moves into the next step Ronda has taught her - which is to Introduce Yourself with Confidence She has the person’s attention and she is not expecting the other person to do the work to help Elizabeth feel better - she knows that is her own job. She looks her in the eye and says “Hi, I’m Elizabeth. I’m new here and excited to meet everyone. What’s your connection to this group?” This is a great lead in because it is using curiosity - it works because It breaks the ice quickly and invites the other person to share about themselves. And remember - brains are always happy to talk and notice things about themselves. This helps the person feel comfortable around you, and at the very least - have something specific to answer- From there - Elizabeth can continue asking her questions - and keep the conversation moving along- or feel like she can at least sit by someone and not be awkward. In the best case scenario - it could be enough of a shake up for the person you introduced yourself to to keep them talking and not hiding - I have had people tell me that they select the person they will go sit by in different ways The most success will come when you are on the lookout for something that you might have in common with someone - it makes the curiosity natural - and easy to respond to when a question is asked. The most important thing in this kind of circumstance - is to stop your brain from going down the rabbit hole of thinking bad things about yourself and to access curiosity to look outward and play with understanding what is going on in the thought models of the people around you. It helps each of us turn into a bit of a detective instead of beating up on ourselves for no good reason. Let me close today by sharing that the very best super power is that you will learn to lean into curiosity AS we invite curiosity into our lives more consistently - life gets better, we attract great people to be around us, and we stop getting hung up on focusing on what people around us think and feel about us, while having more energy to be aware of what we think and feel about ourselves. Whether you are 15 or 50 - these principles work!

Episode 22: Pain is Inevitable, but Suffering Is Optional

If you’ve been following along, you know that in the last two podcasts, I have talked about different angles of accepting the circumstances of our lives, or the things we cannot control as a way to create more peace in our life. You have also heard me speak about the 50/50 before. When I refer to that, I am saying that earth life is made up of 50 percent positive and 50 percent negative circumstances. If these are the odds I’m going with, then it is inevitable that there are going to be painful experiences around this place and that they will be fairly consistent. It is a life skill to make peace with the pain. And today, We start with learning how to not turn the original pain into more suffering by resisting it. Let me share two stories to illustrate what I mean. Have you ever read the fable from Aesop about The Bald Man and the Fly? This is how it goes - One day, a bald man was sitting outside enjoying the fresh air when a fly landed on his head. He was Irritated by the fly’s buzzing, so he swatted at forcefully at it, hoping to get rid of the pest. Unfortunately, in the process, he smacked his own head hard, causing himself more pain than the fly ever could. The fly, thought this was funny and mocked him saying: "You tried to kill me for such a small offense, yet you've only brought more harm upon yourself!" The bald man replied, "I would rather endure a hundred blows from myself than let a creature like you go unpunished!" Of course the moral of the story is that reacting harshly to minor annoyances can cause more harm than the original problem itself—a direct parallel to the idea that resisting pain only increases suffering. As I say - Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Aesop seems intent on teaching us a lesson on being patient and not letting small grievances escalate into larger self-inflicted wounds. This is very similar to the phrase adding insult to injury. The injury has already happened - why spend our time insulting ourselves about it additionally? The injury or initial pain would, of course, be the fly landing on our heads - but the insult or the suffering comes by hitting ourselves over and over as we are mad at the fly. Here is another similar story. Pretend you have just watched someone you care about get bitten by a poisonous snake. You know logically that their first instinct should be to get the venom out of their system and seek medical help. But instead you watch them focus all their energy on chasing down the snake to get revenge. They are limping through the area with a shovel while screaming madly at the snake. They taunt it and challenge it hoping it will reveal itself to them, so they can hit it back, but their only result is that the snake is nowhere to be found and their activity drives the venom deeper into their circulation and delays them from getting to the anti venom. In the end, the longer they wait to get the medicine, the more harm is done to their body - and there could even be lasting consequences. Notice that the snake bite is something that they had no control over - it is the injury - or the pain - or the fly from Aesop's fable - or the rock in the river bed. It is reality. What happens next determines how much suffering takes place - and this is exactly what each of us has the opportunity to decide for ourselves. Buddhist teachings have a concept called dukkha, which refers to suffering, dissatisfaction, or discomfort in life. The Buddha taught that suffering arises not just from painful experiences themselves but from our resistance to them. Clinging to how we wish things should be, rather than accepting what is, creates unnecessary suffering. In the snake and the fly story the “victims” focus on the thing that went wrong that they could not control. They get angry about it, they seek revenge or retribution, they use the choice and control that is theirs- which is the ability to choose how they will react- in a way that only brings more pain and harm to their situation. They add insult to injury. They create suffering where only pain exists, and they argue with reality as they do so. Notice that their frustration, anger, and resistance to their original pain point fuels actions that are not productive. This is one big aha that all of us can use to our benefit. When we take action from negative feelings or energy - we will almost always create results we do not love. The trick is to allow the feelings that painful circumstances stir up - learn from them, then settle them down and figure out how to take action only when fueled by better, more productive feelings. My favorite feelings to help clients grab ahold of when they are pulling themselves out of circumstances that aren’t their favorite - is curiosity, trust in self, and hope that things will get better. But the first step towards settling things down is Acceptance. Learning how to accept the things we cannot control without drama reduces suffering immediately. I bet you will find that This is not the norm if you look around you at the people in your life - so to practice acceptance on the level I am suggesting is quite radical. Which is just what I will call it today. So What do I mean by Radical acceptance? Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations outside of our control without judgment and on purpose, and I mean all circumstances, which in turn reduces suffering. To be clear, It is not about agreeing with or approving of a situation; it’s about acknowledging the reality of our circumstances, and then not reacting in negative ways, which will help us not to make things harder for ourselves. One of the very first things I do to help myself and others acknowledge reality is to label my circumstance as clinically and factually as I can. Which means that you don’t use adjectives - and you try to just state facts. Then,I tell myself that this is the part of my story where such and such fact happens. Ok, self, this is just the part of the story where we experience health concerns. This is much different than saying - this is the part of the story where I die. Or This is the part of the story where the children move away. Instead of this is the part of my story where I am left lonely and ignored by my bratty children that should care more about my feelings. Notice how the drama increases with my adjectives? This is the part of my story where my husband and I have things to figure out is a much more factual and less dramatic statement - than this is the part of the story where my selfish husband doesn't hear me or see me, and I’m left holding the bag of a lifetime of his bad habits. This is the part of the story where this person does not want the same things I want. Is easier to make peace with than - this is the part of my story where I am not good enough for them and I never will be good enough for anyone worth having. The latter really does sound and feel like punching ourselves over and over in the face just like the bald man went after the fly. So the way you label your circumstances matter - pay attention to the way you tend to narrate your circumstances in your head. Slow down, take away the adjectives, and try to be as factual as possible. Once we have acknowledged what the reality is - we can remember that we have a choice about how we want to proceed. We can choose to resist it - or we can do our best to accept and allow for it. A phrase that I use on repeat when I am working on accepting a difficult circumstance is to remind myself that nothing has gone wrong here. This is earth life. I am on earth. Of course there is a part of my story like this. Nothing has gone wrong. This helps me not get too worked up about the drama of any given circumstance. I see how this leans into the Buddhist practice of mindfulness. which helps us observe our emotions and thoughts without becoming attached to them. So once I have labeled my circumstance as clearly as I can - and have reminded myself that it is ok that this is part of my story - I can be in a place where I watch my thoughts and feelings to see what they are telling me. And as I watch I remember that I do not have to believe every thought I think. This means I can acknowledge and feel pain without arguing with it which would then turn the pain into suffering. IF you want to learn how to be more radical in accepting your life - this is going to include all of the people in it. They are going to do and say a lot of hurtful things. They are going to disappoint you and outright accuse or dislike you. They are going to neglect and forget about you, and you are going to be tempted to chase after them and prove how wrong or selfish they are. But I must inform or remind you that this is not resisting - this is not accepting - this is creating suffering out of pain. I have clients that take umbrage with this part - they can get caught up with how important it is to set the record straight - They want to make sure the other person sees them - hears them - and acknowledges that they are wrong - But ask yourself what you would do if this person and their words and actions or non words and non actions were simply a rock in the river bed you are flowing down? This will give you a better answer on how to handle them with acceptance and grace. When I push people towards accepting others, some will inevitably confuse it with condoning or forgiving someone for their behavior. This is worth addressing today. Let's look at it in a kind of case study. Let’s say you have a family member who repeatedly lies to you - and you are consistently emotional about not trusting them, and being hurt and offended that they are not honest with you. Then I suggest you are going to have to practice some radical acceptance of this person - because this is someone who is not yours to control, you don’t have the power to change them, and you are really suffering because of your focus on their negative behavior, meaning you can't stop thinking and talking about it to those in your inner circle. You tell me that this is not a good idea because you believe that if you accept their lying, it means you are condoning it. But radical acceptance isn’t about approving of their behavior—it’s about acknowledging reality as it is so that you can stop suffering over something you cannot control. When you resist reality, you stay stuck in frustration and disappointment. But when you accept that this person is someone who lies, you free yourself from the emotional turmoil that comes from expecting them to be different. You will still have feelings about it, but they won’t be masked by anger and frustration - they will be more like sadness and loss, and will be easier processed when you can see and name them for what they are. From that place of clarity, you can decide how to interact with them in a way that protects your peace—whether that means setting boundaries, limiting your engagement, or simply choosing not to take their dishonesty personally.. You don’t have to forgive someone to accept what has happened, and you don’t have to accept someone’s behavior to stop suffering from it. Acceptance is about you, not them. Which leads me to the next stop on the brain train trying to get to acceptance - which is the argument that acceptance will mean throwing in the towel which feels especially scary when it's someone we care about. If this is the case - the push towards acceptance will elicit some big feelings and lead us to try harder to save the people we care about from themselves and their poor behaviors because we love them too much to let them be less than they could be. But notice what the results usually are when we resist people who tell us who they are , especially when it is in the name of loving them. We almost always will create tension in our relationship, which will make the person we are trying to “help” feel defensive which means they will resist us more - and create even more distance than our resistance to their behavior created in the first place. We will tell ourselves we are chasing after them and resisting the reality they are creating because we want to have more love and connection, but we will only create distance - and disconnection. The proof is in the pudding - acceptance makes space for more love and connection and resistance creates less love, more disconnection, and far less peace. Radical acceptance is not about giving up; it’s about letting go of the struggle that is keeping you stuck. It’s about reclaiming your energy from places where you have no control and redirecting it toward what you can influence. When you practice radical acceptance, you create space for more peace, more clarity, and ultimately, more freedom. You stop fighting battles that can’t be won, and instead, you learn to navigate life with grace and resilience. You allow yourself to feel pain without adding unnecessary suffering. And most importantly, you recognize that the power to create a life you love doesn’t come from controlling everything around you—it comes from how you choose to respond to it. So the next time you find yourself resisting a difficult situation, ask yourself: Am I making this harder than it needs to be? Am I arguing with reality? If the answer is yes, take a deep breath, step back, and remind yourself that you have another option. Acceptance, surrender, and non resistance are my favorite go to’s . I hope they can help you break free of your next struggle. Because in the end, life will always bring both joy and hardship. The question isn’t if you will face challenges, but how you will choose to meet them. And when you meet them with radical acceptance, you give yourself the ability to love your life, no matter what.