Femmefluence Radio

Spiritual Bypassing: How Personal Development Might Actually Be Stunting Your Influence

In today’s world, modern women have turned from “taboo” vices to things like self-help, meditation, yoga, prayer and special nutrition to alter consciousness. All in the quest to “feel good” at all times. But what we Femmefluencers really need is to see the big picture and learn how to be present with both the light and the dark emotions. I’m showing you how on this episode. Your episode worksheet: Femmefluence.com/ep17 [Femmefluence.com/ep17] Key Points from this Episode 1. The toxic brew women create to divide ourselves and play into a system called the patriarchy that harms ourselves, our relationships and our connection to other women and men who we could be instead linking arms with and building longer tables is called pink slime. 2. Spiritual bypassing is a form of pink slime that’s highly visible on social media. 3. I am a self-proclaimed personal development junkie. I’m obsessed with why humans behave a certain way. I've become fascinated with the ways in which we try to feel endlessly good. We've gotten progressively more skillful in our methods as humans, turning away from “taboo” vices like drugs or alcohol to alter our consciousness and turning towards things like self-help, books, meditation, yoga, prayer and special diets. 4. We are now spiritually distracting ourselves from our feelings, thinking that we're walking a healthy spiritual path as a result of calling these spiritual things better than who we were before. Now. This is why we as women have to get real with the level of influence we desire and acknowledge the pink slime in our lives because it is getting in the way. 5. There is a myth that is causing a lot of harm goes a little something like this. ‘I have to feel good to be happy.’ Or another way to put it. ‘In order for me to do it, it has to feel good.’ Now straight up this is fucking up good women everywhere. 6. Spiritual bypassing is a real problem in the personal growth movement and it's also part of the mindset and performance coaching industry that many of us invest our time, energy and money in. These things aren't bad things, but I'm here in this episode to show you all of the sides that it could be affecting you, and worse creating pink slime in you. 7. How does spiritual bypassing show up? In quick fix inspirational quotes trying to summarize, complex issues in single pithy statements. It shows up in New York Times bestselling books. It shows up in people's advice to just be grateful. It shows up in self-prescribed gurus who according to their PR stories, suffer from depression and anxiety until they woke up one day, realized they didn't have to feel negative feelings anymore, and boom, all of those negative feelings went away. 8. Spiritual bypassing is an experience of reacting to things that don't feel good. It’s a defense mechanism that looks prettier but still serves the same purpose, shielding us from the truth. It disconnects us from our feelings and helps us avoid the big picture. It's more about checking out than checking in, and the difference is so subtle that we usually don't know that we're doing it. Now the shorthand for spiritual bypassing is platitude rather than gratitude, arriving rather than being, avoiding rather than accepting. 9. Sometimes self-care is actually about taking care of ourselves, unplugging from too much work and plugging into more balance and harmony, right? But sometimes under the guise of self-care, we're really just checking out, denying what's happening and how scary it feels to show up for life on any given day. 10. The idea or fantasy that one way or one thought or one blueprint will give us all of the things we need to get the things that we want. And we think especially in the form of spiritual practice, that these should afford us. The freedoms from the messiness of life as though perfection is an attainable standard, and that's especially true in social media overload and feeling the new mental concerns around Fomo or imposter syndrome, right? 11. Many times we’re falling for the idea or fantasy that one thought or blueprint will give us all the things we need to get the things we want. Oftentimes in the form of our spiritual practice. But what we’re really doing here is striving for perfection as if it’s an attainable standard. 12. We need to remember instead that spiritual practice and emotional growth are not about achieving a particular quality of feeling, aka only feeling good. Being a human being on a spiritual journey isn't about getting cash and prizes all the time. It's instead about being in the present moment, whatever it happens to look like. 13. There is something very necessary about being who and where you are. If I become present to who I am, all of me. There is a lot there that I usually don't want to see. Right? For most people, this consensus of shame, anxiety, anger, loneliness, self-loathing, are our dark side and the list goes on and on. 14. Who really wants to be present to all of that darkness. But the more that I've tried to personally rise above it or turn my back to it, the more it has lingered. Waiting, almost growing in size, getting bigger and still feeling painful. Finally, I had to turn around and face it and the most amazing thing happened. I didn't die. That's the good news. It didn't swallow me whole like I thought it would. In fact, by recognizing that so-called dark stuff that was there, I could finally experience and own what was light and right about me. 15. I believe there is discernment between what you share and what you keep for yourself. I'm a big believer in asking myself before I post anything, is there a lesson in sharing this with others? DoI have intention around sharing wisdom or am I just throwing a grenade for performative or selfish reasons? 16. An especially prevalent form of spiritual bypassing is saying that negative situation you've been through is there to teach you something. So get over it. Right? This is spiritual bypassing cloaked with personal development, transformation, and encouragement. It’s an example of pink sliming another person not acknowledging that those feelings are real. Spiritual bypassing also excludes solutions. 17. I’m sharing 4 ways you can see spiritual bypassing in your own life, and instead of choosing apathy, how you can choose leadership femmefluence style instead! 18. One - Avoiding Conflict. Think about the easy-going, nice guy or gal that you’ve met.. They're easy to spot when mistreated or insulted. They don't acknowledge the other person as being hurtful or even abusive towards them. They have a hard time accepting their own personal experience of being frustrated, disrespected, or hurt. Most of the time they ignore that experience by making excuses for the bad behavior. Solution: Say this out loud. “I am not a doormat. I'm a leader.” 19. Two - Deferring to the guru or “other leader.” This behavior feeds our unconscious emotional needs to be validated, to feel special, to feel loved, and to feel important. It also denotes an irrational fantasy of the girl putting her capacities and her thoughts and ideas on a pedestal under the surface. The narrative that's running in the situation is that the ther leader has something special and unique to give you that you don't already have. And as such, you need to be seen as worthy to receive it. Solution: Girl, please stop putting Regina on a pedestal or thinking that you have to become Regina in order to gain respect or power. 20. Three - Suppressing feelings and/or needs. There is a tendency to suppress needs to avoid being seen as needy or as having low spiritual development or being a source of bad or negative vibes. Solution: communicate them first, stop letting the wounded child run the show. 21. Four - Seeking to be a more evolved leader means we aren’t evolved at all. These thoughts make us question our personal ambitions and whether we should be ambitious at all. I've had women challenge my ambition by judging it as not being feminine. I've actually had men do that to me too. Solution: Understand both sides are supporting your growth as a values-driven influencer. 22. You can have a bad day and still be a spiritual leader, person, woman, fan, or influencer.

Relationships: What About Your Friends?

When you’re a busy, driven, ambitious woman, having real friendships with other grown women can be difficult. It’s not easy to create time, space and energy to nurture relationships - so what are we supposed to do? In this episode we talk about the reality that is creating authentic friendships and prioritizing what we look for in other women. Your episode worksheet: Femmefluence.com/ep16 Key Points from this Episode: 1. Friendship has always been a love / wanna be loved relationship for me. 2. If you’ve just joined us on Femmefluence Radio, you may have heard my story of being heavily bullied growing up. So bullied that during the summers when we were out of school I was actually more scared than when we were in school - because it gave the bullies (all girls) more time to harass me. I spent a few summers literally without hair on my head because of being what we called in our little town “mobbed” when I was out and about. 3. The few friends that I had, I cherished. But I did dream of a day when I’d have girls around me who not only had my back, but that I could have deep, meaningful relationships with. That I could bring myself fully to. 4. I wanted that Sex in the City life - I wanted my personal Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte (of course I was Carrie because #shoes)... 5. But in my early 20s, instead of making that a priority, I was swept up with marriage, motherhood, career...my few friends growing up were definitely on a different track than me - we had zero in common. I grieved that because the 2 friends I actually had growing up felt so distant. 6. I thought I’d never have life-giving, nourishing, REAL-ationships with women in the way I dreamed ever. 7. I felt envy for those those that seemed to have those girlfriend trips, book clubs, hangouts at church and after-work mixers - and it wasn’t that I wasn’t invited, I just felt that I didn’t belong. 8. But I also knew that the type of women I wanted to become close with had to have at least a few qualities and values that made our interactions meaningful and deep. 9. I abhor small talk so if I was going to spend time away from my kids and career, I wanted to create relationships that had a few things in common: ambitious and unapologetic about it, loved travel, and invested in personal development. 10. Optional: they had kids or a family life that has high on the priority list without being a victim to it. Also wasn’t overly sensitive and understood that we’re all busy, but were committed to each other in a “be there for you in a kind of way”. 11. Basically, I was always looking to build a relationship with grown women who genuinely cared. 12. I honestly didn’t know it they existed because of my former programming and beliefs growing up. 13. Plus, let’s get real: LIFE can totally get in the way. But it’s becoming even more important in today’s world (and it won’t be getting easier with technology replacing connection IRL). Western societies have become more socially isolated over the decades because of all of it. And it’s causing major health issues - mentally and physically. 14. Any amount of increase in our social isolation would be bad news, because friendship isn't just about fun, fellowship and emotional health. Having friends can improve physical health, too. 15. So my friend listening in here...here’s why WE need to make friendship a priority in our lives - while having discernment around who gets to have our time and energy (because hello, we’re ambitious women changing the world - we need to be sentinels of our time, while being with a squad that supports us) 16. Here are the top 3 reasons why FRIENDSHIP makes us more effective Femmefluencers: 1. Friends may extend your life and generally, make you healthier and sharper 1. People who have strong social relationships are less likely to die prematurely than people who are isolated. In fact, according to a 2010 review of research [https://www.livescience.com/6769-live-longer-friends.html], the effect of social ties on life span is twice as strong as that of exercising, and equivalent to that of quitting smoking. 2. Friendships also keep your mind sharp - having friends who make you feel like you belong may be a key for better physical health. A 2012 study found that older people's dementia risk increased [https://www.livescience.com/25446-loneliness-feelings-dementia-risk.html] with their feelings of loneliness. 3. If we live longer (and feel good while living) we can help more people. 2. Friends influence us (for better or worse) 1. Obesity is contagious [https://www.livescience.com/4542-study-obesity-socially-contagious.html], screamed headlines, after a 2007 study that found that when one person packed on extra pounds, his or her friends were more likely to become obese, too. But there was an overlooked bright side to the research, which appeared in the New England Journal of Medicine. Thinness spread like social wildfire, too. 3. Your BFFs can help you through tough stuff 1. As the song goes, We all need somebody to lean on and research on cancer patients finds that when the going gets tough, friends can help because friends can help you cope with rejection 2. Not all social relationships can go smoothly, unfortunately. But when they don't, friends can help you pick up the pieces. [The Science of Breakups: 7 Facts About Splitsville [https://www.livescience.com/51946-science-of-breakups.html]] 3. A 2011 study on fourth-graders found that having friends helped kids cope with the stress of being picked on or rejected by other classmates. The researchers measured cortisol, a stress hormone, in their study participants' saliva and found that being excluded by their peers raised the kids' cortisol levels [http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-10/sfri-fma101911.php], probably indicating chronic stress. (Getting picked on didn't raise cortisol levels, the researchers reported in the journal Child Development, suggesting that getting left out may hurt more than getting attention in a negative way.) 4. But the cortisol increase that came with being excluded was less pronounced in kids who had more friendships or closer friendships, compared with those who had few or low-quality friendships. 17. In my 30’s I started getting serious about filling the friendship void I felt in my life. I had a few sweet friends, but in all honesty, they always felt like I had to conform to make it work for them - “Jen how come you’re not coming to the potluck?” 18. So I started to see how I had to show up to make what I wanted happen. 19. I got therapy specifically to work on this area of my life - relationships. I knew that I had to start with me first and only that would change who would start showing up in my life. 20. I looked for places where I thought grown women would be - and bravely stepped into them (and I hate going to places where I don’t know anyone!). I joined things that I had genuine interest in my life - a book club, a women’s executive group, and scheduled actual play time weekly with my daughters and other moms. If I’m being honest, I hated it at first, but part of making a transformation is 1) being uncomfortable, and 2) seeing it though. 21. I started inviting people to have small meet-ups over coffee with me - to get out of the house on the weekends and to do one of my favorite things, coffee! 22. My dear friend @Jadah Sellner, has taught me so much about friendship, and has a few tips that she shared on Instagram that have truly made me a better friend. 23. I’ll let you check it out (her info will be in the shownotes) but the main one that really hit home for me is: Don’t take things personally. Keep asking and inviting - people are busy and it’s usually not personal if they can’t make it. 24. Whew. 25. Because of my upbringing that felt like the hugest risk - the risk for rejection. 26. But one other thing that I started doing the past couple years is being 100% available for Squad Trips with my 3 closest gal pals - Jadah, Nikki and Nicole. All 3 of us are running global businesses, have families to care for, and travel quite a bit, especially for events and speaking. 27. Still, once a quarter we choose a place to intersect, integrate, be ourselves, catch up, eat meals together and talk about #allthethings. Mostly things that we keep sacred for ourselves, out of the public eye and only shared with people we trust. It’s not inauthentic to not share everything with everyone just because social media gives us the opportunity to NOT filter ourselves. Our time together is a respite outside of our families to discuss anything that’s on our mind, not ready or available for outside consumption. 28. In between, we have a channel on the Voxer app where we can chat it up but there’s no pressure to check-in on a schedule. We jump on when we can, and when we want to share something or ask for support too. 29. Just a few years ago this would’ve been something that I would have not prioritized, but now it’s an anchor on my calendar - an event as important as my business ones, my family trips and my nail + brow appointments, ok? 30. Making new friends as an adult can feel a little awkward, so here are some ideas to think about outside of what I’ve already shared. 31. Talk about your passion. You’ll attract others who are passionate about the same things as you if you share those things - love reading, music, fashion, science, Peloton? Having shared interests help start creating community and new friends will naturally vibe towards you. 32. Values-driven discernment. This show is all about that, and if you live your life aligned with your values, those that have the same and/or linked values with yours will show up. Mine are autonomy, justice, generosity, legacy and leadership, and I actually enjoy having my own business and love talking about it; for some people that bore the hell out of them. For me, a woman walking her values is the epitome of integrity, and someone I like to spend time with. 33. Be a better friend to YOURSELF. Have you ever done a solo date? Totally enjoyed yourself with yourself? Doing this on a regular basis tells you what you really love, and how you show up for yourself. And that energy radiates with the people you want attract and connect with. 34. Be a contributor and generous, but let your friends know when you’re needing some boundaries around a deadline or just don’t have the energy to hang out. I used to ghost out because I didn’t want them to worry about me, but they ended up worrying about me anyway! Be fluid and flexible too - any rigidity in a relationship never feels fun or good for anyone. I say: be committed, not attached - keep your word and check on your strong friends. 35. Female friendships are still something I’m fiercely committed to being better at and in order to get better at it, I've realized that there's a certain level of discernment needed in order to know how to call people to their accountability, call people to their integrity, how to not use pink slime against other women and how spiritual bypassing has actually ruined friendships in my life. 36. Next episode we’ll talk all about that.

Activation: Connecting the HOW with your WHY and WHAT

It’s time to activate your dream by influencing others to support your goals. In this age of technology & information, it has been easier to connect the how with your why and what. Join us as we talk about using online and offline mechanisms to grow your influence. Your episode worksheet: Femmefluence.com/ep15 Key Points from this Episode: 1. If you’re listening in to this show, you’re a world-changer and global leader. You want to help so many people with your message and live a life designed by your values. You want your Femmefluence to spread like wildfire, yes? 2. There are a number of ways that you can connect with your audience and deliver your message. The messenger needs the right machines to ride their message on. 3. This is an era where it’s never been easier to communicate your why, what and how to other people. 4. Life moves much faster now that technology and information are both very accessible. The rate at which we deal with change and uncertainty can feel insane. 5. But the best way to be equipped for these changes is to be persistent and consistent in the way we show in the world. Persistence pays, and consistency builds credibility. 6. The two main machines to activate your message and grow your platform are: 7. Online Activation 1. Social Media Presence where your audience is and where you enjoy creating a conversation 2. Online Seminars, Classes, Webinars, Challenges where you engage and interact with people and speak on what you know 3. Creating gifts people can download and experience that provide value and really show off your experience and expertise. 8. Offline Activation 1. Creating demonstrations of your products in person 2. Having Influencers showcase your products and services to an aligned audience 3. Creating supporting products to support your digital offerings, like workbooks, journals, planners and other swag that create more of a tactile experience 4. And the most potent way to engage your audience - meeting them in person through a seminar, workshop, conference that you put together to gather like-minded people with each other, and to teach your methods. This is you building your own stage - and you can start with just a few people in the room to get started. There’s so much money in your backyard aka town/city and gold at your feet. Growing a local brand that turns into a global brand is a great way to make profit 9. Digital Impact and Analog Impact combined are the most potent way for you to build your platform aka Femmefluence. In fact, the women I’ve worked with using this strategy have made no less than $350K applying it. Those are real numbers and I know they’re available to you if you apply them too. 10. I teach an advanced workshop on this called the Master Brand Accelerator where women like us gather to learn and apply these two activation methods in the most powerful way. It’s also an invitation to my home city in the San Francisco Bay Area. Would you like to meet me in person and let me help you ACTIVATE your brand? 11. Over the past few episodes I’ve been sharing ways you can grow your affluence and influence by building a Master Brand. 12. But what about the other aspect of our life? The ones that support and nourish us - but also sometimes feel hard to balance, like relationships, health and our inner work? 13. Based on what you’ve been asking me to talk about, RELATIONSHIPS are the top of the list, because let’s face it, they can be tough when you’re a woman on a mission. 14. And sometimes they hurt, really bad. I’m going to share some stories of when relationships didn’t feel good at all, and what I did to get better at being in them on our next episode.

Aesthetics: The Iconic Stamp that Marks Your Personal Brand

Highly influential brands have been using psychology based aesthetics to influence people for centuries. This episode of Femmefluence Radio is your opportunity to learn how to do the same. You’ll learn the 5-categories that go into highly influential aesthetics and begin the process of ideating on how to incorporate them into your personal brand. Your episode worksheet: Femmefluence.com/ep14 Key Points from this Episode **If you want to focus on a specific category in today’s episode, here’s a quick list * Color Psychology Now onto the episode: 1. Part of standing out in the world, and the area of branding that usually has the most interest - is how a brand looks and feels. This is known as Aesthetics 1. Color 2. Typography 3. Symbology 4. Function 5. Relevance; can better stand out in the world. 2. Women who use the power of 3. Aesthetics are more than putting on a pretty face in the world through your website or social media. It is in fact a cognitive science 4. If you’re geeky AND glamorous like me, you’ll appreciate this episode because it’s a masterclass in how to use Aesthetic Impact to build up your affluence and influence. 5. The first category up is Color Psychology:

Audience: Finding the Others Who Have Been Looking for You

Intimately knowing the people who will support your path is mandatory as you step further into your Femmefluence. The better you understand your audience, the more easily and effectively you can persuade them to aligning with your end goal. In this episode of Femmefluence Radio, host Jennifer Kem talks audience building, where to start, and testing your ideas out. Key Points from this Episode: 1. The key to getting what you really want is having the certainty and confidence you to have the real conversations necessary with the right people to enroll decision-makers in to your ideas, close sales and create movements 2. Knowing your real audience and what they care about will save you so much time and money, it’s practically priceless. What would be possible for you if you knew how to read the minds of the people you want to influence? 3. People don’t care about the messenger or the message, unless they know how the messenger and message supports getting what they want or how they can eliminate something that’s bringing pain in their life. 4. That’s why it’s important to not just know what you learned in the last episode about Archetypes - you must learn what your Audience desires or wants to avoid. 5. Most people who teach how to build a personal and professional brand don’t tell you that it’s the Archetype and the Audience that’s required to get rich and recognized.