Christinas gone!!
People pleasing rant, 2026 hobbies, reflections
I’ve always been the friend who will drop whatever they are doing to be there for you even at my own expense. I’ll catch a flight, a train, cancel my plans for the day to be there for you, sit on the phone with you for 8 hours (no literally), jump out the bed at 3 am to rush to the hospital because you had acid reflux (true story) or, just push through exhaustion and feelings of not truly wanting to do anything to be where you need or expect me to be.
This behavior has left me burnt out and resentful. I have lost relationships for not showing up how they wanted despite literally putting myself last to be there.
And this year….I have to put me first, Lucious.
I have already canceled plans for trips, I have canceled things I signed up for, I have sent out the, “Sorry I won’t be able to…” texts (somebody clap!!!) and has there been guilt?? Hell yea. It wouldn’t be me if i didn’t feel bad but what I learned is that self abandonment serves nobody in the end when you die from stress and heart problems.
At your funeral…”She was always there” & now youre not and life is going on.
My origin story (maybe)
My mom transitioned when I was 14 and so I went to live with my paternal grandma, who til this day, 20 years later, sacrifices her entire being to be there for others. She recently rescheduled her own surgery to be there for my uncles kids mom…….not her daughter in law. Heart of gold that woman.
But I called her on New years and she said she was sitting alone, and nobody had called her on Christmas, for her 43rd wedding anniversary or for New Years. Nobody sent her a card or stopped by.
This woman with 52 grandchildren and upteen great grandchildren who she never gets to see. & as much as I tell her to stop showing up for people who don’t show up for her, I’ll call her randomly and this 73 year old lady is out driving folks around to appointments and to the store but mad they won’t give her gas money.
& I can’t judge, you know why? Cause I do the same damn things.
Recounting my own foolish behavior
December 24, 2024, we planned for both of our families to come to our house for christmas but I ended up in the hospital. I was devestated. My mother in law kept saying, “Saunya, you don’t have to cook if you dont feel good or you dont want to,” but I couldn’t bear the thought and shame of having these people show up to my house without a homecook meal being provided. I came home from the hospital, and got to work in the kitchen. & guess what? I ended up back in the hospital on December 28th once they left. I had to spend the night and I was due to catch a flight to Miami with my siblings and my grandma. & what did I do? I left the emergency room, got my bags, and caught that flight. I spent majority of that trip in the bed. But I look back on that in shame. While Im grateful I was able to host our families, and take my grandma to Miami for the first time, it taught me alot about myself and how much I am willing to put myself last for the expense of others.
So this year….
Saunyas gone.
I am nervous about how my relationships will turn out because when you start to have boundaries when you had none, the people who benefited from your lack will think you're acting different. Well…technically, you are. Or - I am. Or will be.
And in the back of my head I keep thinking, “OMG- I hope they don’t think i’m being mean 😩”
Girl - get a gripppp…
Sigh.
In other news.
With my new found freedom, I will be devoted to my own personal development with out distractions. I lost a really close friend last year when I decided to take my energy back for myself and….that hurt. There was no discussion, well I shared my part and it wasn’t recieved well. Maybe that's why i’m nervous about my other relationships suffering. But….i’ve gotta grow. I’ve gotta let of being responsible for other people’s …. stuff.
Okay. Enough of that.
Here are some of the new things i’ll be trying this month to jump start my new journey!
2026 hobbies
Boxing
Dance class
Line dancing
Pilates
Golf
Tennis
& If you are also a recovering or recovered people pleaser…leave me some tips…tricks… encouragement…something.
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