Episode 144 - God is Three Guys in a Trenchcoat
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This week’s cocktail, Two Personages, One Cup, somehow manages to be both doctrinally relevant and spiritually prosecutable. aaaAAAaaa introduces the drink for an episode covering the Book of Mormon translation and First Vision sections of the CES Letter, combining chocolate Crown Royal and blackberry Crown Royal with a symbolic seer stone dropped into the glass, because nothing says “restored gospel” like a liquor cup full of prophetic sediment. The hosts also clarify that Google strongly advised against freezing random rocks and using them as drink-chilling whiskey stones, because apparently even the internet has stronger health-and-safety standards than early Mormon translation procedure.
The intro wanders beautifully through root canals, magic bone goop, cruise ship viruses, emergency dental trauma, dishwasher suffering, pioneer ancestor resentment, Met Gala capitalism, Sarah Paulson’s dollar mask, Heidi Klum understanding the assignment, and various pop culture detours including Death by Lightning, The Devil Wears Prada 2, They Will Kill You, and Shrinking. The vibe is deeply “we came here to discuss Joseph Smith, but first let’s litigate whether rocks can leak into your drink.”
HISTORY: [00:43:26]
Abigail uses the First Vision’s “creeds are an abomination” line as a launchpad into the ancient theological cage match known as Trinitarianism. She breaks down what a creed is, why the Nicene Creed mattered, and how early Christianity had to figure out whether Jesus was fully God, sort of God, God in a human suit, God’s special boy, or just a divine receptionist with excellent sandals. The segment covers Arianism, Arius’s idea that “there was when he was not,” and the Council of Nicaea in 325 CE, where bishops tried to settle whether Jesus was made of the same divine God-goo as the Father.
The history then moves through the expanded 381 version of the Nicene Creed, the nightmare Greek word homoousios, and the Holy Ghost problem, which Abigail frames as Christianity’s eternal “also there’s a ghost, don’t worry about it” clause. From there, she connects the whole mess back to Mormonism: Joseph Smith’s official First Vision account explicitly rejects Christian creeds, while later LDS theology insists the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are separate beings united in purpose but not substance. The segment ends with the larger point that asking whether Mormons are “Christian” depends entirely on who gets to define Christianity: belief in Jesus, historical continuity, creedal orthodoxy, or just who signed the theological terms and conditions in 381.
FHE: [01:37:33]
FHE opens with the CES Letter’s section on the Book of Mormon translation, especially the now-infamous rock-in-the-hat method. aaaAAAaaa reads the Richard Bushman quote acknowledging that Church artwork showing Joseph studying gold plates is historically inaccurate, which leads the hosts into the obvious question: if Joseph translated by staring at a stone in a hat, what were the plates even for? The group roasts the narrative whiplash of a religion built around gold plates that allegedly had to be protected, witnessed, hauled through forests, hidden from mobs, and guarded by angels, only for the actual “translation” to happen through a treasure-digging rock in a hat while the plates were covered, nearby, in another room, or functionally irrelevant.
The segment also digs into the Church’s later admissions in the Gospel Topics essay and the 2015 Ensign seer stone photo, contrasting that with earlier apologetic material from BYU religion professors who rejected David Whitmer’s rock-in-hat account precisely because it made the plates unnecessary. The hosts point out the absurdity of faithful scholars once arguing “obviously that can’t be how heaven works,” only for the Church to later quietly say, “actually yes, that is how the hat magic worked.” They also discuss the long-standing Church art problem: majestic Joseph lovingly studying gold plates versus the historically messier image of a man burying his face in a hat while Oliver Cowdery takes dictation from the other side of the spiritual cubicle.
The second half turns to the First Vision, starting with Gordon B. Hinckley’s claim that the whole Church rests on whether the First Vision happened. The hosts walk through the CES Letter’s summary of the multiple accounts: the 1832 handwritten account, two 1835 accounts, the official 1838 version, and the 1842 account. The 1832 account gets special attention because it contains only “the Lord,” lacks the familiar two-personage setup, says Joseph already believed no true church existed, focuses on forgiveness of sins rather than asking which church to join, and places Joseph in the sixteenth year of his age. From there, the group highlights the contradictions: who appeared, how old Joseph was, why he prayed, whether Satan attacked him, whether a revival actually happened in Palmyra in 1820, and why the First Vision seems to have received little to no public emphasis in the Church’s earliest years.
By the end, the hosts frame both sections as examples of the same broader Mormon problem: the Church teaches a polished, coherent version until historical details become impossible to hide, then expects members to pretend the weird version was available and obvious all along. The translation story leaves the plates dangling as a massive plot hole, while the First Vision accounts turn the founding event of the Restoration into a shifting theological rough draft. The episode closes with the hosts encouraging listeners to join the Discord.
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