Rabbit Troop Sucks

The Last Starfighter

Alex (Lance Guest) dreams of big opportunities and a better life away from the trailer park he is currently living in. He’s denied a loan to attend the university of his choice, and this bums him out – big time! He then spends his night dominating the high score and beating a Starfighter arcade game. His girlfriend, Maggie (Catherine Mary Stewart), is VERY impressed! Nice moves, Alex! Little did everyone know that this arcade machine was actually a recruiting tool to find the best starfighters for real Gunstar spaceships. The inventor of Starfighter, Centauri (Robert Preston), rolls up in a future-mobile and a robot/Beta to sweep Alex away to the cosmos. Alex teams up with a good-humored pilot, Grig (Dan O’Herlihy), and together they will save Rylos or die trying. RTS checks out all the amenities that the Star League has to offer. Their craft services are solid! Jeremy is not about “victory or death.” He takes the first space bus outta this joint. La-Mar unleashes the Death Blossom from the start! Pew Pew! Are you the chosen one? Do you need to get into a star fight? Probably! The galaxy needs you!

Beverly Hills Ninja

There is a legend that there will be a great white ninja. When a ninja clan finds a child in a chest that has washed ashore, they raise him, Haru (Chris Farley), to become this legendary warrior. Unfortunately, Haru is as clumsy as can be and lacks the majority of skills (in most things). He does have a can-do attitude though. Haru is hired for a mission by Sally Jones (Nicollette Sheridan). Off to America he goes! Haru’s Sensei (Soon-Tek Oh) sends his best student, Gobei (Robin Shou), to look after Haru and aid in the mission. Silliness and many broken things will follow. RTS definitely knows when something has been or not been made by ninjas. Jeremy trains with Joey (Chris Rock) and a chicken on the loose. La-Mar has “traveled many miles and now [has] come disguised as a pimp to help you.” Collin shows us his belt. The blackness is intense! It’s “like the inside of a coffin on a moonlight night.” Don’t be led by the short sword and connect to the plane of enlightenment. “Holy Shinto!”

Why Me?

Do you have a case of the Byzantine Fire? Well, you should probably consult a medical professional about that. Jewel thief Gus Cardinale (Christopher Lambert) steals this coveted ruby amongst jewelry and diamonds. Gus’ partner Bruno (Christopher Lloyd) is delighted about their heist. Money is to be made! June (Kim Greist) is really hot and cold about it all. Also, she is Bruno’s daughter. Also, she is dating Gus. Could it get more complicated? Yes! Now, everyone wants ol’ B-Fire – this incudes Chief Inspector Francis Mahoney (J.T. Walsh), the Turkish government, terrorists and many more. RTS pitches an entire line of Lambert products. Special gatherings will never be the same. Jeremy tries to out-profane J.T. Walsh. It’s impossible! La-Mar lifts and swings a sack of cash – all one-dollar bills! Let’s take this to the local arcade. While everyone in the city is fighting among themselves, Collin goes with the old tried and tested smash and grab method. It works! If you get caught up in any of this, you might be asking “why me?”

The Nice Guys

In 1977, through a strange series of events, tough guy for hire, Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe), and PI Holland March (Ryan Gosling) team up to find a missing girl, Amelia (Margaret Qualley), and to unravel a mystery with a dead porn star. Somehow these two manage to get things done – most likely because Holland’s daughter, Holly (Angourie Rice), is the most sensible amongst them. In the background there are fights, conspiracies, acts of government corruption, strange protests against the air, John Boy (Matt Bomer) is gun happy and on the loose and there are glamorous porn star parties in mansions. RTS avoids falling from balconies, rooftops, etc… Jeremy cracks open a nice cold Yoohoo. It puts a slight dance in his step. La-Mar makes sure his cookie jar is full of bullets. You never know. Collin learns that all cars drive themselves. Just let go. If things get out of control, grab the ankle gun in your dreams.

Welcome to Collinwood

How could we not check this film out? Collin has welcomed us all – to his wooden ways. Cosimo (Greendale Community College Alum, Luis Guzmán) gets locked up and learns about the perfect heist from his cellmate. He just needs to get out to do it. He confides in his gal pal Rosalind (Patricia Clarkson) which leads to everyone knowing and wanting a piece for themselves. This includes Pero (Sam Rockwell), Riley (William H. Macy), Leon (Isaiah Washington) and Toto (Michael Jeter). This makes Cosimo angry, and he has a lot to say about everyone’s mothers. In the background, there’s a bit of romance between Pero and Carmela (Jennifer Esposito). Will anyone care? George Clooney is even doing some stuff here. RTS knows when there’s a real Bellini on the table. This isn’t it. Jeremy considers being a Mullinski but the price has to be just right. La-Mar finds hidden treasures in the cookie jar. Collin has already given you everything. He has welcomed you. Isn’t that enough for you? Don’t let this turn into a real Kapuchnik.