Imperfectionism and the power of 'dailyish' habits
Regular readers will know that I’ve been an Oliver Burkeman [https://substack.com/profile/2010702-oliver-burkeman] stan since Four Thousand Weeks [https://uk.bookshop.org/a/11357/9781784704001], his 2022 book about how we’re all going to die comparatively soon, so should probably just enjoy life. I mean, there’s more to it than that, but that’s the gist - and it’s packed with what Oprah would call ‘ah-ha moments’.
His new book, Meditations For Mortals: A Four Week Guide to Doing What Counts [https://uk.bookshop.org/a/11357/9781529939538], is just out in paperback so it’s the perfect time to have him on my occasional series, Well Fun, about finding non-boring ways to be healthy.
For those who prefer to read, the key talking points are summarised below. Enjoy! And do let me know what you think.
Life is not a super yacht. It’s a kayak
“Being a human is a bit like being in a little kayak on a river. You have to steer from moment to moment. Sometimes it's choppy, sometimes it's calm. You can't predict what's going to happen, so it very vulnerable. It’s also exhilarating, right? But what we often want life to be is: we’re the captain of a super yacht, so just programme in our destination and then sit back - in control of the process.So a lot of the time, what goes wrong with our attempts to adopt healthy habits is that we do it in a super yacht way, instead of a kayak way. If you say to yourself: ‘I'm now going to follow this philosophy of eating’ or ‘I’m going to do three workouts a week from now on’, you're trying to feel in control. But then the tiniest threat to that sense of control prompts you to call the whole thing off.Whereas to just literally go to the gym once, or to just cook one meal, with no guarantee that you'll do it well or come back to it tomorrow - that’s a leap of faith, like in the kayak. So gradually encourage yourself to do the thing for a few minutes, and understand that it might not be the start of a great life transformation, but the only chance of a great life transformation is obviously if you start doing the thing.”
Self-compassion works better than self-flagellation
“ I definitely have a cringe reaction to the world of self-compassion . But, if you're yelling at yourself because you think you should be exercising more or eating better or meditating daily, that is actually a bad way to end up fitter or eating better or meditating more. It doesn’t work. Instead, talk to yourself as you would to a friend.A lot of us worry that, if we start being nice to ourselves, we’ll just get into a tail spin of disastrous laziness. But if I was advising a friend about what they should be doing to become healthier, I wouldn't say: ‘Oh, your problem drinking isn't a problem at all, have three more bottles of vodka a week.’ It can definitely involve tough love, but it’s still love.”
Commit to doing something ‘dailyish’
“This idea came from Dan Harris [https://open.substack.com/pub/danharris] and I love it because it's not a rigid discipline where, if you don't do it every single day, you're a terrible loser. But it also isn't the same as just doing it when you feel like it. Whether it’s exercise, writing, or going to bed early, we all know whether we're doing something ‘dailyish’. Clearly five days a week counts, but in busy weeks, four days would count. Maybe occasionally you would even say that three days a week counts. It provides wiggle room for making sure that you do something regularly. And then the thing actually happens, because it doesn’t create this brittle system that collapses at the first pressure.”
Ask yourself: what if this were easy?
“ A lot of us are raised to think that if something's worth doing, it's going to be gruelling. We have this idea that, if something is enjoyable and doesn't feel hard, that makes it suspect (or not actually healthy). But the best exercise routine is the one you actually do so, if you go for a jog the spirit of ‘this might be fun’, then you're far more likely to want to keep going and have a more beneficial experience. Expecting things to be easy helps not only in the moment, but also it makes the chances of things going well a lot higher. Some of us think: I've got to prove my worth so therefore, I've got to really screw up the muscles in my forehead and tense my body and push my way through life. And maybe there are occasions where that helps, but the vast majority of the time, it doesn't help at all.”
Nice activewear does make a difference
“Taking pleasure in the tools and the equipment that you use to do things can totally be a positive force. I'm not in favour of the approach that says: ‘You don’t need nice running gear or a nice notebook for your creative project.’ Yes, focusing on that can go too far, leading to avoidance and procrastination. I’ve certainly been prone at points in my life to focusing on getting all the equipment rather than doing the actual thing. But this is nonetheless really important, because of the pleasure you get from the new trainers or the nice notebook. Treating yourself in a kind way makes you more likely to do the thing.”
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