The Blue Collar Buddha Podcast

Episode 35 | Mistakes, Missteps, And The Apology That Never Came

My father never apologized for what he did to me as a child. I spent a long time waiting for that apology. I thought I needed it. I thought that without it I couldn't move forward, couldn't feel whole, couldn't consider myself worthy of anything good. And then he died. Without saying it. Without taking responsibility for any of it. And I had a choice to make. This episode is about that choice — and about the question underneath it. Can there really be any mistakes or missteps, or are they misinterpretations of your potential to love yourself? Because everything you've done, including the things you're most ashamed of, is part of who you are right now. To condemn those things wholesale is to condemn yourself as you currently exist. I'm not asking you to applaud what you've done. I'm asking you to consider whether burning yourself at the stake for it is actually serving you. Recorded March 2023 at 10:26pm with whatever equipment I had on hand. Stream of consciousness. No edits. Real shit.

Episode 34 | We Are Not Broken

This episode was recorded March 26th, 2023. Like so many of the of these earlier episodes while Sharon was dealing with her medical challenges, at this time, as yet unknown, I’m posting the episode out of order.   Sharon and I listened to it together tonight and decided it needed to go out now.   There’s no “rational” or “logical” reason. Not really.   It just felt like something that we needed to do.   Around the four-minute mark I talk about November 2nd, 1994. My suicide attempt. And what it means to have gone from that night to a Sunday morning in March 2023 where I can say — I didn't know you could feel this light. This whole. This free. This “unencumbered.”   I genuinely didn't know that such things existed for someone like me.   And then I cry.    On the recording.    I'm fucking leaving it in.   I’m leaving it in not because I want your sympathy.    Not because I'm “performing” some bullshit vulnerability schtick. But because the person who needed this episode is the one who has spent years telling himself that wanting to feel okay, and loved, and wanted, and cherished was some weak-ass, fucked-up shit that only “other” people did.    That needing something to change means something was wrong with me.    That feeling and believing myself to be broken was all that I was ever going to know. Or be.   It wasn’t.   It isn't.   I know that because I lived that life for a very long time.    And I know what it costs.    And I know what's on the other side of it.   You're not broken.    You may not believe that right now.    And that's okay; you don't have to believe it yet.   Just listen.   And decide for yourself.

Episode 33 | Squirrel Nuts, Two Guests And A Saturday Night

It's 10:40pm on a Saturday in March 2023. I don't usually record this late. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to say. Two guests at the day job today.   The first one had a situation that was straightforward to fix but she'd already run every worst-case scenario in her head before I got there. The second one had a situation that was genuinely more complicated and her attitude was essentially — it's just a thing, I'm not letting it ruin my day.   Same world.   Completely different relationship to it.   The second one said something that stopped me. Her friends worry about her when she doesn't answer the phone. She said whatever they're thinking is none of her business. She's living her life. That's it. That's the whole thing right there.   My brain goes way the fuck over there sometimes — squirrel nuts just hanging out — and then eventually I bring it home. That's what this podcast is. That's what this episode is. How good could it be if you stopped catastrophizing what's in front of you and gave your attention to what you actually want instead?   Doesn't mean that I want squirrel nuts, but when you see them, it's hard to forget.   And those are the moments that we so often miss until a "later" time...   I'm going to go curl up next to my wife now.

Episode 32 | You Get To Be Off Balance

I didn't sleep well last night. Don't know why. Maybe the cereal I ate too late. I just know I didn't sleep well and today I've been a little off. I came to the microphone anyway because that's the commitment — not to show up only when I've got the right energy and the right affect and something positive to say. That would be disingenuous. I haven't reached a level of spiritual consistency where I don't have days like this and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. Here's what I wanted to say today. A reset doesn't require sleep. It doesn't require a new day. It's available in any breath, any moment, so long as you're alive. And the moments where you're tired, scratchy, a little off balance — you don't have to root around trying to find the reason. You don't have to suppress it or pretend it isn't happening. You just get to acknowledge it, sit in it briefly, and breathe into the next moment. This too shall pass. My grandmother said that. She was right.

Episode 31 | The Easter Postcard — And Letting Beauty In

A coworker handed me a postcard for an Easter service at her church. No pressure. No sermon. Just someone who felt comfortable enough with me to share something she loves. I put it in my bag and didn't think about it again until this morning. This episode follows that moment — through what I actually believe about the Bible, why I use it anyway, and why going to an Easter production doesn't threaten who I am or what I believe. I'm not Christian. I still love Christmas lights. Those two things can coexist without any contradiction. People around us are constantly sharing themselves — their faith, their joy, their invitations. What we do with that says more about our relationship with ourselves than it does about them. She felt comfortable enough to hand me that card. That matters to me regardless of whether we show up on Easter Sunday. To keep allowing beauty into your world — even when it arrives in forms you didn't expect and wouldn't have chosen — that's never a bad thing.