230 - The Shame Triangle: The Inner Way That's Keeping You Stuck w/ Jessica Fern & David Cooley
The voice beating you up, the shame absorbing it, the part that doesn't want you to feel it — that's the triangle you're trapped in.
Jessica Fern [https://www.jessicafern.com/] is a certified clinical trauma therapist, David Cooley [https://www.restorativerelationship.com/] is a restorative justice practitioner, and together they co-authored Polywise. In their most recent book, Transforming the Shame Triangle [https://www.amazon.com/Transforming-Shame-Triangle-Using-Parts/dp/199086970X], they take Karpman's classic drama triangle and flip it inward to capture the inner dynamic that keeps trauma survivors stuck. Through a parts work lens, they show how to work with the inner critic, shame, and escaper to find true healing.
✨ What this episode explores
▪️How the Shame Triangle Starts — Why the cycle almost always kicks off with the inner critic firing first, even when what you notice is the escape behavior.
▪️The Critic That's Still in the Room — Why people with parents, partners, or bosses actively criticizing them often feel pure shame instead of a strong inner voice.
▪️The Hidden Shame of Under-Functioning — Why being the "lazy" one carries a layer of self-judgment that over-functioners never have to face
▪️ The Symptoms That Aren't the Problem — Why the behaviors that get you diagnosed (perfecting, numbing, raging, zoning) are downstream of the part actually driving the cycle.
▪️ Inner Critic to Inner Coach — What it actually takes to transform the voice tearing you down into something on your side
▪️ Impact vs. Wrongdoing — Why telling a part of you "you wronged me" keeps the cycle alive, and the restorative justice reframe that breaks it.
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🎧 If this episode resonated, you might also love:
▪️ Ep 101 | The Neuroscience of Toxic Shame w/ Robyn Gobbel [https://redcircle.com/shows/6cbac788-c2a3-4eaa-bce9-06845e610d8a/episodes/a0eb82f6-67dd-4bd1-be3f-acdee3d7e059]
▪️ Ep 137 | Healing The Inner Child Through Parts Work w/ Michelle Chalfant [https://redcircle.com/shows/6cbac788-c2a3-4eaa-bce9-06845e610d8a/episodes/5bdb01d4-7d9c-47d4-bc72-8a696bb28f19]
▪️ Ep 215 | Repeat or Recover w/ Dr. Tian Dayton: The Cost of Relational Trauma [https://redcircle.com/shows/6cbac788-c2a3-4eaa-bce9-06845e610d8a/episodes/99e7a99e-7ff7-4b98-b53a-6a508745cee2]
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