Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

Picture this: you're staring at a text thread with your friend, and you realize you've had the same argument three times the past month. You love this person … but right now, you kind of can't stand them.  Today, we're talking about friendship pauses. Let me be clear: this isn't ghosting, breaking up, the silent treatment, or a passive-aggressive power move. A friendship pause is an intentional choice to create space to reflect, make changes, and do some individual growth. Here’s the caveat: the eventual goal is to actually do the work to REPAIR the friendship. Michael and I use this phrase in our marriage that I think applies to friendships, too. Every time you work through a lower low, you reach a higher high. Instead of thinking of a friendship pause as sad, think of it as a possibility for this whole new version of a friendship that you’re going to feel more aligned with. In this episode you’ll hear about: * Reasons a friendship pause might be necessary, including communication issues, energy or emotional issues, and changes in life circumstances * Questions to ask yourself before you take a friendship pause, like, what’s the reason for the pause? Are you willing to do the work to repair this friendship? * Why working through a low point in a friendship can lead to stronger beliefs and a more resilient connection Resources & Links Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have you ever moved somewhere new and felt like you were on the outside looking in? This was Charlotte Massey when she moved to Seattle in the midst of the pandemic, when making friends was borderline impossible. Instead of accepting isolation, she got strategic about it. We’re taking friend-dating spreadsheets and sales funnel approaches. Charlotte is the executive director for the Seattle chapter of the U.S. Chamber of Connection, a new civic organization tackling the loneliness epidemic, and founder of the Seattle Picnic Society. In this episode, she offers so much inspiration and great advice for those not feeling connected where they’re at. Whether you're new to your city or you've been there for years, the principles are the same. Get specific about your invites. Show up consistently. Don't be afraid to follow up multiple times. Most importantly, if the community you want doesn't exist, create it. In this episode you’ll hear about: * Charlotte’s move in 2021 and the challenges she faced, from the pandemic to the “Seattle freeze” * How Charlotte used a sales funnel approach, “friend dating,” and intentional invites to connect new people * The Seattle Picnic Society – picnics that grew from five to one hundred attendees, and how you could create something similar in your community * Being bold and persistent in reaching out to potential friends and looking at how you can improve on the Six Points of Connection [https://www.chamberofconnection.org/6pointsofconnection]  Resources & Links Learn more about the Seattle Picnic Society [https://lu.ma/j0hnmvvt] and the Six Points of Connection on the U.S. Chamber of Connection [https://www.chamberofconnection.org/] website. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have you ever felt like you were the “extra invite?” The “filler friend?” The friend who gets invited to the big events but never the intimate gatherings? There are lots of reasons people find themselves in this position. Maybe a big life change has altered friend dynamics; maybe you’re just in a totally new friendship group. But maybe you’re also exhibiting behaviors that are keeping you on the fringe.  If you want deeper friendships and to be part of more intimate gatherings, you can change this, and in this episode I offer tips  on how to do this, from initiating invitations to focusing on the individual connections in your group. But I also talk about the benefits of those “second tier” friendships. Don’t forget, they can still be beautiful connections in your life, even if they don’t become part of your inner circle. In this episode you’ll hear about: * My friend who complained to me about always being the “extra invite” – and how she changed this to create a more fulfilling network * The value in the Wheel of Connection [https://alexalexander.com/kinds-of-friends-your-wheel-of-connection-explained/] in understanding the different kinds of friends, from familiar to defined connections * Why fringe friendships can be beautiful and meaningful, even if they are not all-encompassing * The benefits of strengthening relationships with each friend in a group, which consequently strengthens your connection with the group as a whole Resources & Links Listen to Episode 100 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/celebrating-100-episodes-plus-an-extensive-look-at/id1650876530?i=1000673429458] about the Wheel of Connection [https://alexalexander.com/kinds-of-friends-your-wheel-of-connection-explained/]. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

There are songs about romantic heartbreak, but where are the songs about losing a friend who meant EVERYTHING to you? That’s what Leila Six and I want to know. Today’s guest, Leila Six, is a singer-songwriter who is asking the hard questions about friendship in her music, using art to contribute to a culture that values all kinds of love, not just the romantic kind. In this episode, we dive deep on why friendship deserves its own soundtrack, how art can help us process complex emotions, and what it looks like to be a social artist in a world that doesn't always value the art of connection. Leila just released a new version of her song, “Glad [https://www.youtube.com/@leilasix],” which is her love letter to platonic love, and in order to spread the word, she’s hosting a contest [https://friendshipirl.com/leilasix]! The prize? A copy of Shasta Nelson’s book, Frientimacy [https://www.shastanelson.com/frientimacy]. The contest [https://friendshipirl.com/leilasix] ends on the International Day of Friendship, July 30. In this episode you’ll hear about: * Challenges of voicing needs in friendships and the societal messages that friendship should be easy and effortless * Learning to handle conflicts in friendships, similar to how we handle conflicts in romantic relationships * The importance of having diverse relationships and maintaining proximity with friends, even if they are far away * The lack of representation of real friendship experiences in media and art, often portraying friendship as overly romanticized or immature Resources & Links Follow Leila Six on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@leilasix], listen to her music (including “Glad!”), and enter her contest! Listen to Episode 27 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-is-loneliness/id1650876530?i=1000611718942] and Episode 69 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unpacking-learned-loneliness-and-how-we-can-impact-change/id1650876530?i=1000649182537] about the loneliness epidemic; Episode 120 [https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/taking-political-action-and-being-a-connector/id1650876530?i=1000699020534]about how friendship is a political act; and Episodes 5 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult-with-connection/id1650876530?i=1000586558047] and Episode 7 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-build-meaningful-relationships-beyond-just-catching/id1650876530?i=1000588311698] with Alex Friedman. Follow Shasta Nelson [https://www.shastanelson.com/] on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/user/ShasGFC/videos] and Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/shastamnelson/], and read All About Love [https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/taking-political-action-and-being-a-connector/id1650876530?i=1000699020534] by Bell Hooks and How We Show Up [https://www.amazon.com/How-We-Show-Community-Fractured/dp/1580058078] by Mia Birdsong.  Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

A few years ago, five sets of my friends moved away within a six-month period. These people were my emergency contacts, the people I did Sunday dinners with. I was devastated. This isn’t a unique experience; it often happens to people in their late 20s and early 30s, when life paths start to diverge. Friends get married and have kids. They travel the world and pursue their careers. The friendships start to feel different. I call this phenomenon the great friendship shift, which I talk about today with Ericka Parker, founder and CEO of SILKENN (who is also host of the Boss Babe Reset [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/boss-babe-reset-self-care-hacks-for-high-achievers/id1695940812] podcast, which I was recently a guest [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unpacking-adult-friendships-and-loneliness/id1695940812?i=1000662248032] on!). What do you do when your priorities have shifted so dramatically that your old ways of connecting don't work anymore? When you look around and realize that your friendships feel different, it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re growing. The key is to be intentional about the connections you want to nurture, and to create new patterns that actually work for this version of your life.  In this episode you’ll hear about: * The emotional experience of dealing with changing friendships, and how Ericka’s busy life has affected hers * What Ericka set up for her “pineapple friends” that has been a game-changer for staying in touch despite moves and life changes * Proximity friendships vs. intentional friendships, and the benefits of having different friends for different areas of life * Being flexible and adaptable in friendships, and also, being respectful of each others’ seasons of life – plus, the amazing benefits of bragging about a friend Resources & Links Listen to the episode of Boss Babe Reset [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unpacking-adult-friendships-and-loneliness/id1695940812?i=1000662248032] that I was a guest on! And see Blake Blankenbecler [https://www.blakeblankenbecler.com/aboutblake], a friendship therapist mentioned in this episode, and follow her on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/blakeblankenbecler/]. Listen to Episode 12 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/digging-into-the-3-kinds-of-friendship-roots/id1650876530?i=1000595416452] about the types of friendship roots, and listen to Episode 2 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-balance-friendship-and-marriage-without-losing/id1650876530?i=1000584906705], Episode 50 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/confession-ive-never-had-a-best-friend-with/id1650876530?i=1000631071673], and Episode 63 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/what-would-you-tell-your-20-year-old-self-about-friendship/id1650876530?i=1000643792883] about the value of having different friends in different areas of life. Plus, see Episode 20 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/small-actions-add-up-putting-energy-into-your-friendships/id1650876530?i=1000604468080] and Episode 21 [https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-shift-in-friendship-during-our-mid-to-late-20s/id1650876530?i=1000605533019] about navigating friendship shifts. Like what you hear? Visit my website [https://alexalexander.com/], leave me a voicemail [https://alexalexander.com/friendship-irl-podcast-home/], and follow me on Instagram [https://www.instagram.com/itsalexalexander/] and TikTok! Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!