TOP SELF | Tips on Jealousy and Insecurity in Relationships

Still Mad. Still Wrong. Here's Why. EP 135

You knew you were wrong the second he flipped that phone around. Nothing suspicious. Just a bacon recipe. And somehow you were still annoyed at him. That feeling has a name — and once you understand it, you can’t unsee it. You’ve done the spiral. You built the whole case in your head. And then the truth came out and it was… a bacon recipe. You know you were wrong. They know you were wrong. And somehow you’re still a little irritated at them. This episode is about that moment — the one most people blow right past. Shanenn breaks down the shame-anger switch, why relief doesn’t always show up when it should, and how to actually recover without making it worse. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎 Your jealous brain doesn’t file ambiguity as neutral — it skips straight to the most threatening interpretation 💎 Relief doesn’t always show up when you’re proven wrong — sometimes you get a stomach drop instead 💎 Guilt says “I did something bad.” Shame says “I am bad.” Those lead to very different places. 💎 That flicker of anger toward your innocent partner? It’s shame looking for an exit — not really about them at all 💎 A real apology doesn’t need a “because” attached to it Resources Mentioned: 30 Days to Different — Shanenn’s program for breaking jealousy and insecurity patterns Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

You're Already Living Worst Case Scenario EP 134

You’re Already Living the Worst Case Scenario What if the thing you’re most afraid of happening would actually hurt less than what you’re putting yourself through right now? It sounds hard to believe—but there’s real research behind it.  In this solo episode, Shanenn digs into why the jealous spiral itself is the worst-case scenario—not the thing you’re afraid of. You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You’re already in it.  From Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert’s Impact Bias to the neuroscience of naming your fear, this episode is packed with science-backed insight and a simple 3-step tool (the Fog Lift) to help you stop the loop. Golden Episode Nuggets: 💎    You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it. 💎    Vague fear gives you all the pain and none of the tools your brain would normally use to deal with it. 💎    The psychological immune system only activates for real events—the spiral has no off-ramp. 💎    Naming your specific fear literally shifts brain activity from reactive to regulated. 💎    The spiral has no arc, no end. It takes exactly as much as you give it. 💎    It’s all the cost and none of the outcome. Resources Mentioned: ·       Matthew Lieberman’s UCLA research – “Name it to tame it” (affect labeling and the amygdala) ·       Dan Siegel – Clinical professor at UCLA, coined “name it to tame it” ·       Top Self on YouTube – Subscribe and watch the show there   Quote of the Episode: “You’re not waiting for the bad thing to happen. You are already in it.” – Shanenn Bryant Leave a Review: 📝 Have you ever realized the spiral was costing you more than the thing you were afraid of? Leave a review and tell us - what’s one thing that shifted for you after listening? Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

What If Your "What Ifs" Were Wrong EP 133

You know that voice in your head—the one that takes a missed text or a sideways glance and turns it into a full-blown crisis? That's your What If Machine, and it's been running the show for way too long. In this episode, Shanenn breaks down why your brain defaults to worst-case scenarios, where those fear stories actually come from (spoiler: it's usually not your current partner), and how those protective instincts end up creating the exact outcome you're terrified of. She also walks you through a 5-step Evidence Check framework you can use the next time your brain tries to convince you that everything is falling apart—so you can figure out if you're dealing with a real red flag or just old fear wearing a new outfit. Golden Nuggets: 💡 Your brain's What If Machine isn't trying to ruin your relationship—it's running a protection program written long before this relationship existed. 💡 Vague fear is the most powerful kind. Once you name it, it gets smaller. 💡 In the absence of clear evidence, you're choosing an explanation—and if you consistently choose the scariest one, that's not logic, that's fear driving. 💡 Preparing for the worst doesn't protect you from the pain. It just means you experience the loss twice. 💡 Sometimes the What If Machine isn't protecting you from your partner—it's protecting you from hope. Resources Mentioned: * Episode 8 – Ashley Greer: Is This My Fear or Intuition? * The Power of ONE (Open to New Evidence/Explanations) * The 5-Step Evidence Check Framework Quote of the Episode: "Sometimes the scariest thing isn't the relationship falling apart. Sometimes the scariest thing is letting yourself fully trust it, fully relax into it, fully believe you're loved." — Shanenn Bryant Perfect for listeners who: * Wake up spiraling for no reason and can't turn it off * Know their jealousy is irrational but can't stop the loop * Have pushed a partner away with checking, testing, or accusations * Want a practical tool to use in the moment (not just "calm down") * Are trying to figure out if their fear is instinct or old wounds talking If this episode hit home, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And leave a review and let us know—what's one what if that's been running your relationship that you're ready to question? Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

Secure People Just Think Differently EP 132

We're on YouTube - Join us there. In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn explores one of the most confusing and isolating experiences for anyone who struggles with jealousy: watching a secure person stay completely calm in a situation that would send you into a spiral.   Starting with a vivid poolside story that will feel painfully relatable, Shanenn breaks down why secure people aren’t blind to what’s happening around them—they just don’t assign the same meaning to it. She explains how your brain builds stories based on its existing “library” of past experiences, fears, and beliefs about yourself, and why that library is the real difference between jealousy and security. Plus, she introduces a powerful new tool—the Meaning Audit—three simple questions you can use to interrupt the spiral and start thinking like the secure person you’re becoming. Golden Episode Nuggets:   💎  Secure people see the same things you do—they just don’t assign the same meaning to them   💎  Your brain is a meaning-making machine and it pulls from your existing library of fears, wounds, and beliefs   💎  True security comes from trusting yourself to handle whatever comes, not from guaranteeing your partner will never hurt you   💎  The spiral isn’t about the photo or the party, it’s about the fear underneath   💎  Security isn’t a personality trait.  It’s a skill, and it’s learnable   Quote of the Episode: “Your jealousy is not the enemy. It’s been trying to protect you from the things that scared you the most. But at some point, that protection has become a prison. And you deserve to be free.” – Shanenn Bryant   📝 Leave a review and let us know—what’s one meaning you’ve caught yourself assigning that turned out to be wrong? Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.

What It Means When The Spark Is Gone EP 131

Enroll Today for 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] Does your relationship feel… quieter lately?  The butterflies are gone. The texts are shorter. Affection feels different. And now your brain is spiraling: Did they lose interest? Is this my fault? Is the spark gone? In this episode of Top Self, Shanenn breaks down what’s actually happening when the intensity fades in a long-term relationship — especially if you struggle with jealousy, insecurity, or fear of abandonment. You’ll learn why early love feels intoxicating, why that high is biologically designed to fade, and why the loss of “spark” doesn’t mean loss of love. For many anxious or jealous partners, this phase is when insecurity spikes — not because the relationship is failing, but because the nervous system is finally no longer distracted. This episode will help you stop catastrophizing calm, understand your attachment system, and learn how to build security without needing constant reassurance. Key Moments • 1:00 – The questions everyone asks when the spark fades • 2:20 – Why early love feels addictive (and why it can’t last) • 7:00 – The shift from dopamine to oxytocin explained simply • 10:00 – Why calm love can trigger anxiety and jealousy • 13:30 – How hypervigilance replaces excitement • 17:50 – Why jealousy often peaks after commitment • 22:00 – When “boring” is actually emotional safety • 25:00 – Why leaving too soon repeats the same cycle • 27:20 – Stop chasing the spark — start building inner security Golden Episode Nuggets 💎 The spark fading is a biological transition, not a red flag 💎 Early love distracts you from insecurity — it doesn’t heal it 💎 Calm can feel unsafe if your nervous system learned love through chaos 💎 Jealousy often increases when things stabilize 💎 You don’t need more reassurance — you need more internal safety Resources Mentioned • 30 Days to Different – Learn how to regulate your nervous system, rebuild emotional safety, and stop spiraling in your relationship   Join 30 Days to Different [https://www.topself.com/30-days-to-different] - Starting soon! Check us out on YouTube [https://www.youtube.com/@topselfco] and make sure to subscribe! Schedule your FREE Discovery Call [https://calendly.com/top_self/personalcoachingdiscoverycall]to see how I can help. Grab the 5 Must-Haves To Overcome Jealousy [https://www.topself.com/5%20Musts] Disclaimer The information on this podcast or any platform affiliated with Top Self LLC, or the Top Self podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.  No material associated with Top Self podcast is intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment,  Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before taking on or performing any of the activities or suggestions discussed on the podcast or website.