Cleave: The Podcast

Episode 56. Love Is Not Compliance: The First Truth of Christlike Boundaries

For many Christians, the hardest part of setting a boundary is not the boundary itself. It is the guilt. The fear that saying no means you are selfish. The fear that needing space means you are unforgiving. The fear that limiting access means you are dishonoring your family. The fear that protecting your marriage, your home, your peace, or your children somehow means you are failing to love like Jesus. That is exactly why we wrote Christlike Boundaries. In this special episode, Jon reads the introduction and Chapter 1 of Christlike Boundaries, the new book from Jon and Ashley Lefrandt. Chapter 1, “Love Is Not Compliance,” begins with the core truth every Christian needs before they can understand boundaries clearly: love is not proven by endless availability, emotional over-responsibility, or keeping everyone comfortable. Jesus was perfectly loving, but He was not compliant. He was merciful, but He was not manipulated. He was peaceful, but He did not preserve false peace. He was full of grace and truth. If you have ever wondered, “Can I set boundaries and still be Christlike?” this episode — and this book — were created for you. Buy Christlike Boundaries on Amazon [https://us.amazon.com/CHRISTLIKE-BOUNDARIES-Truthfully-Betraying-Entrusted/dp/B0H1N9ZMW4/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0]. Listen, reflect, and ask yourself: Where have I mistaken compliance for love? For more resources and to stay connected, check out our Website: www.leavethencleave.com or find us on Instagram, Tiktok and Facebook @leave_then_cleave !

55. How to Recognize the Fruits of True Repentance

How can you tell if someone has truly repented? In this episode of Leave Then Cleave, Jon and Ashley talk about one of the most confusing dynamics in faith-based families: when someone claims repentance but refuses accountability, repair, or honest conversation about the harm they caused. Using Christ’s teaching that “by their fruits ye shall know them,” they explore the difference between true repentance and counterfeit repentance, godly sorrow and image management, discernment and judgment, forgiveness and restored trust. This conversation is not about becoming the judge of someone’s soul. It is about learning to recognize fruit: humility, confession, restitution, changed behavior, concern for those harmed, and a willingness to become safe. For anyone who has been told, “I already repented, so you need to move on,” or “That is between me and God,” this episode offers language, clarity, and a Christ-centered framework for discerning whether repentance has actually produced change. Learn more at leavethencleave.com [www.leavethencleave.com].

54. When They Won’t Change | Forgiveness, Reconciliation, and Christlike Boundaries

This is Part 2 of our conversation with Rachel Wood on boundaries. In Part 1, we talked about why boundaries are not unchristlike, how people-pleasing can become a form of control, and why healthy love requires truth, agency, and self-respect. In Part 2, we move into one of the hardest questions many people face: What do you do when you are trying to get healthy, but the other person does not want accountability, honesty, repentance, or change? For many people of faith, this is where boundaries become deeply personal. We may understand the idea of boundaries in theory, but when it touches our family, our marriage, our loyalty, our guilt, or our desire to forgive, it can become incredibly difficult to know what is loving, what is wise, and what is safe. In this episode, we talk about forgiveness versus reconciliation, manipulation, spiritual pressure, addiction, accountability, discernment, and what it means to recognize fruit rather than simply trust words. Because forgiveness is a commandment. But reconciliation requires repentance, honesty, safety, and changed behavior. Those are not the same thing. If you have ever felt pressure to keep forgiving while harmful patterns continue, or wondered whether setting a boundary means you are failing to be Christlike, this conversation will help give language to what you may already be sensing. And if this topic feels personal right now, we invite you to join us for our May Healing Webinar Series, where we’ll continue walking through painful family dynamics, boundaries, estrangement, guilt, grief, spiritual pressure, and practical next steps for healing. You can learn more about the webinar series, our book Leave Then Cleave, and our other resources at leavethencleave.com.

53. Boundaries Are Not Unchristlike | Why Love Requires Truth, Agency, and Self-Respect

One of our most-listened-to conversations is back. This episode originally aired a couple of years ago, when our podcast had a different name and a much smaller audience. But as our community has grown, we realized that many of you have probably never heard this conversation before, and it continues to be one of the most important discussions we’ve ever had. In this episode, we are joined by our friend Rachel Wood for Part 1 of a two-part conversation on boundaries. For many people of faith, boundaries can feel uncomfortable. We may wonder if saying no is selfish, if self-advocacy is unkind, or if creating distance means we are failing to forgive. But healthy boundaries are not the opposite of Christlike love. They are often what make real love possible. In Part 1, we talk about what boundaries actually are, how people-pleasing can become a form of control, why resentment often reveals places where we have abandoned ourselves, and how faith, personal revelation, and emotional honesty can help us stop living from fear and start living in truth. We also explore family systems, attachment, sacrifice, self-betrayal, generational healing, and why loving God and others does not require losing yourself. Part 2 will continue this conversation with one of the hardest questions of all: what do you do when you are trying to get healthy, but the other person does not want accountability, honesty, or change? If this episode helps you, please share it with someone who may need language for what they are experiencing. Learn more about our book and resources at leavethencleave.com.

52. Boundaries Didn’t Ruin Our Life. They Gave It Back.

If you are afraid that setting boundaries, going no contact, or disappointing your family will ruin your life, this episode is for you. Most conversations about boundaries focus on what they cost. The grief. The backlash. The loneliness. The fear of being misunderstood. The pain of relationships changing. But in this episode, Jon and Ashley talk about what boundaries can give back. After years of people pleasing, self-doubt, emotional exhaustion, and constantly managing other people’s perceptions, boundaries created space for something new: clarity, creativity, confidence, joy, self-discovery, and a deeper sense of God’s direction. Ashley shares how pickleball, gardening, and creating beauty in their home became part of her healing. Jon shares how boundaries gave him the courage to run for city council, speak vulnerably online, and help build a platform that has now reached millions of people. This conversation is for anyone who is afraid that setting boundaries will ruin their life. Sometimes boundaries do bring grief. But they can also become the doorway into the life God has been trying to help you build. If you are navigating family estrangement, no contact, people pleasing, religious pressure, toxic family dynamics, or the emotional aftermath of setting boundaries, this episode will help you see that healing is not only about what you leave behind. It is also about what you finally become free to walk toward. Join us this Wednesday for our live event, Healing After No Contact. This event is for those who have already made a painful boundary decision and are now living with the grief, second-guessing, backlash, loneliness, and emotional aftermath. Register here [https://www.leavethencleave.com/cleave-events].