The Mental Load Isn’t Just “A Lot” Right Now For Working Parents—It’s Crisis Management
This podcast episode could have been different. Harsher, more relevant to the times. In all honesty, it was written and recorded a couple months ago when I knew this new season was going to be about smashing the status quo, but before it truly felt like society was coming apart at the seams. So please consider this article the addendum to the episode.
Today we’re talking about the mental load as the on-ramp to the season, and how one parent typically navigating it (let’s face it, the majority is moms) is often overlooked both in family dynamics and in the workplace.
You’ve very likely heard the term before, but as a crash-course, the mental load is the expectation of one person in a family or group to carry the conception, planning, and execution of tasks. The mental load means you’re the one noticing what needs to be done, thinking about it in advance, and making sure there’s follow through. You anticipate the needs of others around you (your spouse, your children, your boss, your colleagues, your in-laws, etc.), and hold timelines and appointments in your head on behalf of others, track emotional states of others, and you remember all the things no one else is thinking of.
It’s like an endless, shitty project management assignment without authority, relief, or recognition.
In my opinion, it’s the worst time in most of our lifetimes to be the default parent carrying the mental load of logistics and meal prep and homework and school closures because of snow and commuting and laundry - I’m sure you relate - because on top of that we are watching democracy crumble and our neighbors being kidnapped and our streets being patrolled by far too many armed individuals for no reason other to intimidate and sow fear.
On top of that: so much horrific information is now being shared about child abuse by the most wealthy and powerful among us, our neighbors are being killed by our own government, children are being exposed to measles in detention centers, and it feels like there are no consequences in sight for the evil deeds happening daily.
(Of course there are so many other things parents are dealing with right now in this historic time I didn’t mention. If I listed them all we would be here a long while, and I cannot pretend to be able to speak to all of your personal experiences.)
So if parenting right now feels like constant triage of your own emotions, everyone else’s, and all the mundane things you do to keep you and your kid’s lives at least slightly on track, you’re not failing. Your mind and body are responding to the immense pressure you’re feeling.
Shouldering the mental load has always been draining and emotionally taxing by keeping you in a state of low-grade vigilance.
That vigilance, if you’re a parent paying attention to what’s happening (and I’m guessing you are if you’re reading this article), has likely dialed up to high. You might think other people are handling this better than you, but I’m here to gently (but with rage against the powers that be) tell you that you aren’t crazy.
You’re overloaded in a system that relies on your unpaid and unseen labor. And as societal normal continue to disintegrate, you’re likely not alone if you feel like you’re about to hit a breaking point.
I want to validate that the conditions you’re currently parenting and working inside of are so hard right now. You’re in constant crisis management.
You are expected to perform emotional availability at home and perform competence and composure at work.
And now, because our government has gone off the rails in a way we haven’t seen before in our lifetime, we also are adding what I guess we can call “moral labor” to the mental load list - genuine worry about our community members and school districts and state of our country all at once.
We must manage our kid’s exposure to frightening news, decide if and how and when we can show up on the front lines with a whistle or to patrol school drop offs, figure out how to process the firehouse of our shock and awe news cycle, all while navigating work expectations that assume you’re just as flexible to complete your assignments as you were before kids and before all this crisis. You’re probably also, like me, worrying “What if I get this wrong?”
First things first, and we explore this in the podcast, is to please do what it takes to get help sharing the mental load, especially if you have a partner or spouse. There are tips on how to do so in the episode.
Because your nervous system needs this sharing and support. The next episode is how to tend to your nervous system in these wild times we’re in, but for now, know that it’s not abnormal for your nervous system to feel overloaded; if you’re in a state of constant vigilance, there’s no chance for recovery. You’re currently feeling human in an inhuman pace.
I’d like to invite you to reflect on these two questions before you scroll away from this article (to hopefully press play on the podcast!)
* What are you holding that no one sees?
* What would feel lighter if it were shared—or simply named?
Remember, the mental load isn’t imaginary. Your exhaustion makes sense. But we’re here to break out of the “norms” we’re finding ourselves in. We’re searching for and committed to changing things for the better.
This season of Long Game Parent is about how we stay awake, stay human, smash the status quo, and play the long game on behalf of ourselves, our families, and our communities.
You’re not alone in this. We’re building a team facing this head-on, together.
Rooting for you, always,
Coach Lauryn
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