Shades of Pleasure Podcast

27- Dismantling Compulsory Sexuality in the Therapy Room

Welcome to Episode 27 of Shades of Pleasure Podcast, where Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly—four sex and relationship professionals—get real about life, love, intimacy, and consensual nonmonogamy. In this episode, the crew unpacks the impact of compulsory sexuality in the therapy room. Compulsory sexuality is the pervasive belief that sex is universally desired, inherently necessary, and expected as part of being human. As Sherronda Brown writes, it is the assumption that people are obligated to participate in sex at some point in life, and that something must be “wrong” with those who do not. Many clients enter therapy distressed about differences in desire, often identifying “low desire” as the problem. But what happens when clinicians themselves are operating from a framework rooted in compulsory sexuality? Too often, practitioners inadvertently cause harm by pathologizing clients, excluding asexuality from the conversation, or offering prescriptive interventions designed to “fix” the lower-desire partner rather than understand them. This becomes especially harmful when asexuality and the full spectrum of sexuality are erased from the conversations and clinical frameworks altogether. Additionally, compulsory sexuality is so deeply embedded in our culture, people with low or no desire frequently internalize shame and the belief that they are broken, defective, or incapable of intimacy, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is that clients are the experts on their experiences. Low desire or asexuality isn’t about a lack—a lack of desire, intimacy, or pleasure. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Asexuality is a spectrum, and affirming care requires practitioners to move beyond assumptions about what relationships, sexuality, and fulfillment are “supposed” to look like, and meet clients where they’re at. When we decenter compulsory sexuality, we create more space for authenticity, connection, pleasure, and relational possibilities beyond narrow societal expectations. Curious to learn more about asexuality, low desire, and how affirming practitioners can deconstruct compulsory sexuality in clinical practice? Tune into the full episode below! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pleasureforthemasses.substack.com [https://pleasureforthemasses.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

26- Why We Can’t Therapize Ourselves

Welcome to Episode 26 Shades of Pleasure Podcast, where four sex & relationship professionals open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual nonmonogamy. In this episode, the crew explores a question that many helping professionals quietly wrestle with: why can’t we therapize ourselves? Even with all the tools, insight, and training, there are limits to self-reflection, especially when we’re emotionally invested in our own lives and relationships. The conversation also highlights the value of outside perspective. Whether through therapy, coaching, or community-based resources like books and podcasts, engaging with someone who has no stake in your life can help interrupt confirmation bias, illuminate blind spots, and support deeper growth. An objective lens can reveal patterns, offer grounded feedback, and invite new ways of understanding ourselves and our relationships. The question becomes: are we truly available to ourselves? What does it mean to practice what we preach when it comes to boundaries and self-care? And are therapists actually skilled at tending to their own needs, not just understanding them? Which is why having our own support matters. We all need spaces where we are not the ones holding it together, where someone can meet us with the same presence, care, and accountability we offer others. Spaces where we don’t have to perform clarity or competence but can instead be in process. Of course, finding the right therapist or coach is part of the journey. That process can ask us to stay open, even when it feels uncomfortable. And within the therapeutic relationship itself, moments of rupture and repair can become powerful sites of healing. Tune in for a thoughtful, honest conversation about why none of us are meant to do this work alone. Visit Shades of Pleasure Podcast at our new home: https://pleasureforthemasses.substack.com/s/shades-of-pleasure-podcast This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pleasureforthemasses.substack.com [https://pleasureforthemasses.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

25 - The Blame Game

Welcome to Episode 25 Shades of Pleasure Podcast, where four sex & relationship professionals open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual nonmonogamy. In this episode, Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly break down the blame game and explore the role of radical responsibility in relationships. Men’s roles in modern relationships have changed. For many, the traditional roles of provider or protector no longer define partnership. Many women are seeking something different now. Equality. Emotional presence. Shared responsibility. Partnership that feels mutual, not hierarchical. The challenge is that many men have not been taught or shown what this version of partnership looks like. Models of healthy, emotionally attuned masculinity are still limited. And this shows up in the therapy room: women are resentful, men are confused, and both partners feel stuck, often turning toward blame as a way to make sense of the disconnect. Conflict affects everyone involved in a relationship. It isn’t one person’s problem. The blame game is self-defeating and harms the foundation of the relationship. Blame hurts the one holding it and it absolves us of responsibility and accountability. Discomfort does not remove the need for repair, and repair requires collaboration and willingness. We can’t change or fix anyone. We can’t make anyone do anything. We don’t get to make decisions for other people. So, what can we manage? How do we discern between ultimatums and healthy boundaries? How do we communicate with our partners and take mutual responsibility? How do we cultivate empathy and care? Tune in to explore the difference between ultimatums and healthy boundaries, how to navigate emotional responsibility, and what it means to center choice over control in relationships. Visit Shades of Pleasure Podcast at our new home: https://pleasureforthemasses.substack.com/s/shades-of-pleasure-podcast This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pleasureforthemasses.substack.com [https://pleasureforthemasses.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

24 - Is it Time to Break Up and Decouple or Do You Perhaps Restructure Your Relationship? How to Decide?

Welcome to Episode 24 of Shades of Pleasure Podcast, where four sex & relationship professionals open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy. In this episode, Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly explore the possibilities, and challenges, of restructuring relationships. Believe it or not, many people don’t realize they have the agency or options to reshape their relationships. Even when partners discover that change is possible, the process can bring up resistance. For some, restructuring a relationship simply feels like too much change. For others, it can feel like a betrayal of what the relationship once was or what they imagined it would become. Sometimes there is grief involved. People may need to mourn the former version of the relationship or the future they once envisioned together. The length of the relationship, the age and life stage of the partners, and the pace of the change can all influence how difficult the transition feels. Practical entanglements like shared children, a home, finances, or a legal union, can also make restructuring more complex and emotionally charged. Anger, sadness, and confusion are common, which is why working with a therapist or relationship coach can be incredibly supportive during this process. And yet, change can also create space for possibility. Restructuring a relationship can bring freedom, renewal, and a new sense of balance. It can offer an opportunity to reconnect with what truly works for everyone involved. While breakups are often stigmatized and framed as failures, there are ways to approach relationship transitions with intention and care, what some call conscious uncoupling. Instead of focusing only on what’s ending, we can ask: What is still meaningful here? What do we want to preserve? What do we each need going forward? Sometimes that means redesigning the relationship entirely. Other times, it might mean shifting from romantic or sexual partners to friends or chosen family. Other times, it might mean ending the relationship. Ultimately, we have more choice than we’re often taught. With awareness, intention, and clear agreements, we can create relationships that reflect our values rather than simply following social or cultural expectations. Think of yourself as the architect of your own relationships: you have the freedom and agency to design them on your own terms. Tune in to the full episode to explore both the challenges and possibilities that exist across different relationship styles, structures, and constellations. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pleasureforthemasses.substack.com [https://pleasureforthemasses.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]

23 - Emotional Labor: How it Slowly But Surely Kills Intimacy

Welcome to Episode 23, Shades of Pleasure Four sexologists open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual non monogamy. Welcome to Episode 23 of Shades of Pleasure Podcast, where four sex & relationship professionals open up about life, love, and the pursuit of consensual relationship practices. In this episode of Shades of Pleasure, Mou, Melissa, Wayne, and Kelly explore the often-unspoken imbalance of emotional and mental labor in relationships, and how it directly impacts desire, libido, attunement, and overall satisfaction. Mental labor isn’t just about doing tasks. It’s the cognitive and emotional energy required to plan, anticipate, schedule, initiate, and execute them. And while this imbalance isn’t always strictly gendered, many cisgender women in heterosexual relationships report feeling chronically exhausted from carrying the bulk of this invisible labor, while many cisgender men report feeling confused, disconnected, or unsure how to repair the growing distance. So, what role does communication actually play? What does real attunement look like in the day-to-day rhythms of partnership? How do we cultivate presence, reciprocity, and embodied connection in ways that create space for relaxation, pleasure, intimacy, joy, and mutual desire? Tune into the full episode below to hear the answers to all these questions and more. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit pleasureforthemasses.substack.com [https://pleasureforthemasses.substack.com?utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=CTA_1]