Introduction and Welcome
Contrary to the myth, nurturing isn’t an innate default setting in the human female. It is active and requires strength, stamina, will, intelligence, and determination: all of the qualities that we tend to associate with maleness. - Christiane Northrup MD
Dear Champion Husband,
First, you’ll hear this often but not always from people who understand your situation: I’m deeply sorry your wife has cancer. There is no sugar-coating how screwed up this news is.
Shortly after my wife Natasha was diagnosed in June 2014, I found myself alone in a hotel room next to Sydney airport when a plane flew overhead. Natasha and I were meant to be on that plane. We had planned a holiday to Vancouver, but instead I was now about to board a plane to Manila, capital of the Philippines. Natasha was already there, having travelled a week earlier for her grandmother's funeral. A few days after the funeral, Natasha had a colonoscopy and was strongly suspected of having cancer. Now, instead of us going to Vancouver, I was sitting in the hotel scared, bewildered, in shock and disbelief, and without the faintest idea of what to do next. How could this be happening? Surely cancer happens to other people and not us? I can empathise with your situation and am truly sorry you are in it.
Second, I’m extremely happy you’re reading this guide, even though ideally you would never need to read it. When Natasha was diagnosed, I said jokingly to my friends, “Wouldn’t it be great if there was a guide for what to do when your wife gets cancer?” Jokes always have an element of truth in them, though, and I actually desperately needed that guide. It never came, so after Natasha died nearly four years later I decided to write it myself.
This is that guide and, having gone through what you’re now facing, I hope you’re able to learn from all my mistakes – some of them were quite big ones! I had zero idea how to be a great carer and husband in this situation and had to learn everything the hard way, through trial and error, with plenty of error. After Natasha died I found dozens of scientific papers researching the carer’s journey and that research has further informed this book. As I digested the research, I was frustrated. Why was there no guide to help carers when there was so much research showing how difficult the journey is for them? I talked to oncologists about the research and discovered it was never even taught to them.
As I wrote this guide, using that research and my experience, I imagined myself sitting with you, sharing stories, lessons, advice, and heartache, just like I’ve already had to do with friends. I’m walking with you through this book, helping you along, one man to another. You can come back to these words anytime you need hope, encouragement and advice.
The problems facing male partner carers are unique, language that resonates with us men is unique, so a book needs to be tailored specifically to men. When I first talked to people about the idea for this guide, they asked, “Why are you only writing for husbands? Why not for wives with husbands who have cancer? Or for men who are carers of disabled children or elderly parents?” I’ve wrestled with these questions. The main reason is that husband cancer carers have particular needs, and there are no books out there aimed specifically at men. There is a clear gender difference between the outcomes for men and women carers. Research shows that women cope better than men in this situation. Women are generally better at building support networks to reach out to. They find it easier to understand and express emotions to their support network.
We’ve been raised in a society that tells us men to be strong for our wives and families, and that hiding emotion shows strength. We’re told there’s something wrong if we cannot deal with challenges on our own without help. But that’s only a belief and we can choose to believe whatever we want to. Believing in outdated ideas that don’t work is not the choice we will make. Finally, there are specific issues partner-carers face that are irrelevant for other carers, such as managing your romantic relationship. The proximity they have to the patient causes unique complications.
Men also respond to different language and you will notice I use the words ‘Hero’ and ‘Champion’ quite a lot. Of course, you might not feel like either of those things at the moment, but this guide is about helping you become a champion carer and realising that in many ways you already are.
As to the guide being only for cancer carers, cancer is a unique disease in that people are now living with it for longer, which brings incredible uncertainty. Cancer has unique treatment options compared to other chronic illnesses.
No two men, or two couples, are the same. Whatever your situation is, my sincere hope is that this guide helps you in some way, especially in giving you the confidence that you can do this. My hope for you, and the overarching reason I’m writing this, is for you to grow to become a heroic carer, husband, and man. The journey will shape you in ways you could never imagine. My words can be your guide in approaching the journey with confidence, love, strength, optimism, resilience, help from others, humility and grit.
Finally, a note for male partners in a de facto relationship, partners who identify as male and partners in a same-sex relationship: this is for you as well. I have written with an explicitly masculine tone as it’s distinct from the feminine. The needs of male partners are unique, but if you’re a man with a partner, this book is for you. LGBTQI couples dealing with cancer have further unique difficulties and, while this area is not my area of expertise, I’m sure this guide will help you and I encourage you to look up specific resources to accompany it. I’m writing from the perspective of a male with a female wife and, for the sake of brevity, from now on I’ll refer to the reader as a husband and the patient as a wife.
If just one suggestion in my words helps you and your wife, then I consider it a success. Good luck as you go through the journey.
Your friend,
James
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