The Bible Goes West's podcast

The Bible Goes West Christmas Spectacular 2 Part: 2

J.E. Tucker's A Christmas Carol It's the Bible Goes West Christmas Spectacular! Presented by Sexpot Comedy We had such a good time last season that we here at J.E. Industries said, Let's do it again! Now drunk off the spirit of Christ, which is what Clarence calls his extra strength Egg Nog, we bring you: J.E. Tucker's A Christmas Carol Part 2 The Second ghost Scrooge laid in his bed, scared shitless. It was 1:59 am and scrooge prayed to a being he had long forgotten about. He prayed, Be there no second ghost. The clock struck two. Ding! Scrooge pulled the covers over his head. Dong! He shivered under the blankets. There was silence now. No ghost, no visions of the past. Then light escaped under the chamber door and one man's huge laughter filled the dark room. It was not frightful but Inviting. Scrooge got out of bed and moved toward his jolly guest. Scrooge opened his door and saw a chamber full of food and gifts. Gold and silver tinsel on every decorum. Scrooge's spirit was immediately lifted. A large figure in the room noticed scrooge's presences and turned to him, Come! And know me better man! Hello, scrooge said back with a smile, who might you be? I am the ghost of Christmas present. Come! And know me better man! Why do you keep saying that? I am drunk! I see, scrooge replied. Are you to show me things which have come? I am the ghost of Christmas present! OK. The large ghost stood up. He grabbed scrooges hand and said, We go now! Suddenly scrooge was now in a market of busy commerce. Coins were being exchanged gleefully for geese and hams. Fruits for puddings and grains for cakes. The smell of baked goods covered with cinnamon filled the air. I know this place, scrooge said. You should! This market is Christmas day right outside your business door. But you're all inside and stuff. I would be counting money yes! Money you could use to buy some delicious goose or scrumptious pudding! In fact I'll be right back. The ghost went over to a food stall and began to feast. The stall owner did not seem to notice his gluttony. Scrooge spotted his employee Roberto. Ah, Bob has realized his foolishness and came back to work. Good man! Roberto went past his work entrance and toward an old woman with average size geese. He bought a modest bird and went into the center of the square. Gimpy Tim?! Where are you, gimpy?! Scrooge was not sure whom he was calling out too. He looked around for the answer but saw his own nephew. His nephew was running happily down the street. Let's follow him, ghost! Scrooge leapt after his only family, strangely interested in the Christmas goings ons of Fred and his lovely wife clara. The ghost was still stuffing his face. Scrooge was now on Holly street, where Fred lived. Fred had now entered and greeted his clara with a kiss. Hello my love! Hello dear! Everything smells so good! Thank you. Is your uncle going to be joining us? She said this with a fear in her voice. No sadly. He will not be. His wife was visible relieved. Clara began, Good. I hate that man. The very thought of him gracing our table is an insult to the very good person we invited. I tell you what, if he were to die, I would feel nothing but joy his greed and meaniness vanish from the world. Now dear. Remember Christmas? His wife settled down. Fred continued. Everyone on this earth is welcome at Christmas. Even if they are mean, greedy, old, smells bad, has a wort on his face… Fred continued with a list of things they hate about scrooge, his wife laughing at each mean thing he said. The old man himself stood in ethereal sadness. The ghost of Christmas present finally arrived, face covered in sweet, baked-good crumbs. What is going on, he said. Nothing, scrooge replied. Just my only family members having fun. Fred and his wife both laughed together with much glee. Looks like a lot of fun. Yes. Spirit, can you take me to my employee, Bob? I sure can. Let's go. The spirit took scrooge by the hand and he found himself in a dirty alley; rats as numerous as people. Scrooge looked at his host, who had aged 40 years by his appearance. Spirit where are we? This is the home of your employee, Bob Crachet. But it is so crappy. Well, his employer is a harsh boss. This is what his family can afford. The spirit entered the building. Scrooge followed. Scrooge was appalled by the amount of soot on the walls. He hated the crappy chairs they sat on while around their small table. He saw no feast being prepared, like at his nephews. Spirit, scrooge asked, why is their Christmas so bleak? Why would he want not to work when his house is in such shambles. The spirit did not answer but look at the door. Scrooge followed his eye sight and Roberto opened the door. I am home family! Gimpy Tim and I return from the market! Roberto walked in and behind him hobbled a gimpy boy about the age of 10, carrying a small goose. The boy slowly moved to the kitchen and helped dress the bird. Roberto's wife went to her husband. How is he today? He is good. Christmas helps him forget about being sick. He asked to carry the goose and I could not refuse him. He felt alive and filled with joy. He is stronger than all of us. Marget went to her son and gave him a hug. Scrooge noticed Roberto's quivering voice and saw he was holding back a flood of tears. Spirit? The spirit had falling asleep. Spirit! Wha- sorry I was just resting my eyes. What is going on? Spirit? What ails this small boy? Not sure. I am a ghost not a doctor. But I know if Christmas continues in this house as it is, there will be an empty seat and a crutch in the corner. The spirit stood up and starting to make his way outside. Scrooge followed close behind yet looked back at gimpy tim, his father, and mother. Outside, the ghost leaned against a wall. I think I drank and ate too much pastries. I am going to throw up. The ghost began to hurl. Scrooge looked away as the size and gluttony of his host surely meant the explosion would be gross. However, as scrooge look he was no longer in the same alley, there was nothing but darkness. The Third ghost Scrooge was in complete darkness. He knew not time or space. He began to scream for the spirit but to no avail. Scrooge then saw smoke began to enter from the slits of a door he could barely see. More and more smoke began to fill the darkness allowing scrooge to see the door. He entered the threshold into his living room. There was no feast. His entire house was on fire. In the middle of the inferno stood a dark robed figure. Not an inch of skin could be seen under the robe's long arms and over-baring hood. It raised its hand and motioned for scrooge to come closer. It never made a sound. Scrooge moved past the flames and toward his grim guest. The inferno destroying everything scrooge had bought over his lifetime. Are you the ghost foretold to me? The being acknowledged nothing. Answer me please, spirit. I beg you. The spirit turned toward a door scrooge had never noticed before. The frame of the door twisted and bent; and the door off-kilter. The being moved for the door, which opened without physical aid. Scrooge followed shortly behind. Once the other side of the threshold scrooge found himself in a pawn shop. The clerk marked by pox and giving a broken smile to the two people in front of him. 2 cents? For this? This is a fine table cloth from that old geezer which lived in the big house. Yeah. You do not like it? Put it on your table. Now piss off. The holder of the table cloth left in a huff. Scrooge recognized the cloth from the textile pattern. It was a one from a fine cloth maker. The one he visited. Worth way more than two cents. And what do you have? Asked the clerk. I got his shoes! The shoes made the clerk's eyes widen. These where some nice kicks. Leather and thick. But soft and comfy. I'll give you 10 cents. What? These are Nik— Listen do you want to buy crack or not? The shoe man nodded fast and the clerk threw him his money. The seller scurried out like a rat into the streets. Scrooge knew those shoes. Who else in the area could afford them but him? Spirit? Whose items were those? Scrooge turned around to see the spirit walking through another door. Scrooge ran after the ghost. On the other side he found himself at a funeral. Many people had gathered and all were crying. Even the priest could not help himself to the sorrow. Scrooge scanned the crowd. No one he recognized. However, On the outskirts of the group was the sad screams of a familiar voice. Scrooge went closer. It was his employee, Roberto. Why!? Judge, Why!? He was being consoled by his wife, who also had more sorrow in her heart then a sad rodeo clown. Scrooge felt fear. He ran to the ghost. Spirit? Is this the funeral of Gimpy tim? Tell me! The spirit said nothing. Instead he moved from the crowd to a solitary, open grave on the hill. Scrooge followed. Spirit, answer me! The spirit stopped and turned toward the old man. Was that the funeral of Gimpy tim? The spirit nodded. Where they not able to cure his sickness. The spirit shook his head and moved, once more, toward the lone grave on the hill. Scrooge followed. Once at the grave, the spirit stopped. Scrooge stood in front of the grave. Vines had already taken claim of the tombstone and the stone was surrounded by the poop of hundreds of dogs. It was obvious no one held found memories of the deceased. Spirit, whose grave are we at? Whose tombstone is shown such disrespect? The spirit moved the opening of his hood to scrooge's face and a small but frightening laugh began to emanate from the hole. It started as one, then split off into two. The being lifted its head and moved its hands to its belly. A third laugh began. Scrooge stepped back from the being and fell into the grave. The being bent down into the hole and met scrooge face to face again. Scrooge could see the face of the being this time. It was the face of his old partner, Jacob. Then it shifted to the first ghost, then second, then Gimpy tim. The being's face keep changing, becoming his nephew, Roberto, Margret, and Clara. They all laughed in scrooge's face as he layed in his grave. Spirit, show me mercy! I have seen the error of my ways and will live with Christmas in my heart. I will help the less fortunate and ease the suffering of the sick. Please spirit show me mercy! The spirit's laugh increased. Scrooge grabbed at the ghost. He caught hold of his robe and pulled with all his might. The robes fell off of the ghost with ease and covered scrooge head to toe. He now fought to uncover himself and the moment he freed his head he found himself on his bed tangled in his covers. It was morning. It was Christmas day! Epilogue Scrooge leapt out of bed. He could not believe it! The spirits had given him a second chance! And he would not ruin it. Scrooge ran to his window and burst it open for the first time in years. He scanned the ground and spotted a small boy sitting on the sidewalk. Hey you! What day is it. Christmas dumbass! Well what a foul mouth on you. God bless it! Can you do me a favor? What old man? Take my wallet and run down to the grocer. Buy the biggest fucking bird you can and bring it to this address! Scrooge scrolled down Roberto's address, put it in his wallet, and threw it down at the boy. The child picked it up, saw all the money in there and could not believe what was happening. Now hurry! And keep the change for yourself and the butcher. The kid slowly walked away, not sure if this was a sting operation and he was being set up. Scrooge had so much energy and excite meant he left his house without getting dressed. He ran, jumped, and skipped his way to Roberto's like a man three quarters his age. For the first time since he became Jacob's partner, he whistled a jolly tune. He got to Roberto's well ahead of the boy and the bird. He knocked on the door with much aggression. He had thought of quite the fun prank to play on Roberto. The door opened and Roberto was shocked to see it was scrooge. Scrooge walked in without saying a word. Forcing a frown on his face that he could barely hold. His joy was overtaking him but he held on. For the purpose of the prank. What can I do for you sir? Bob, I have been meaning to do this for awhile now. It is something that I needed to do for years but I just couldn't do it. What are you referring to? Come the start of the new year, you will no longer be my employee. This dropped Robertos heart. But sir! I need this job. I do not care. This is my business and I shall run it how I want. Roberto's wife overheard everything and came running into the room with a butcher's knife. That is it Mr, scrooge. You die today! At this point scrooge began to laugh hysterically, only angering Margret more. She ran at him. With him inches of scrooge she was stopped by the quick hands of Roberto. Honey please don't. Ill stab him. She gave him the knife and Roberto now began to chase a laughing scrooge around the eating table. Bob! I do not think you want to stab me! Why! I just lost my job. I got nothing to lose! Well you have a business actually! Roberto stopped. Wha-wait what? I am making you my partner. Bob? What? I am making you my partner, bob? What? This continued for some time until scrooge decided to break the loop. Well obviously I can see my prank worked. You are going to be my business partner! Oh my Judge! And to think Margret and I were both going to murder you and hide your body before Gimp Tim came back from church. Scrooge laughed. He continued to laugh until Roberto and Margret joined in. They had never seen a man more filled with joy. And it was scary. After ten minutes of awkward laughing there was a knock on the door. Scrooge answered it with great gusto. It was the boy scrooge had thrown his wallet at! I thought you might have just took off with my wallet young sir. I was going to but then I thought this man is crazy. I am bored, lets see where this goes. The butcher was behind him with the biggest bird in his store. Holy shit you were not lying kid. Scrooge then commanded Roberto, Margret, the kids, and the butcher out of the house. They picked up Gimpy Tim from church and marched him over to Fred's. Scrooge and Gimpy led Christmas carols the entire way. Fred answered the door and almost screamed with delight as he saw his old uncle scrooge at his abode. Mellissa freaked out when she saw the amount of guest she would have to now feed. Scrooge looked at everyone and said. The feast is on me. And the butcher went into the kitchen with the largest bird any of them have ever seen. What followed was the greatest Christmas any of them could truly remember. And afterward, scrooge was good to his word and then some. When he died people said they could not name a more humble and generous man. Scrooge made the world better for everyone he knew. Gimpy Tim spoke at his funeral but He was not called gimpy anymore. Just "The Tim formally known as Gimpy." He finished the funeral in the same joyous and loving way as he ended his first Christmas with scrooge. Judge bless us, everyone.

The Bible Goes West Christmas Spectacular 2 Part: 1

J.E. Tucker's A Christmas Carol It's the Bible Goes West Christmas Spectacular! Presented by Sexpot Comedy We had such a good time last season that we here at J.E. Industries said, Let's do it again! Now drunk off the spirit of Christ, which is what Clarence calls his extra strength Egg Nog, we bring you: J.E. Tucker's A Christmas Carol Marley was dead, judge damn it! No doubt about that. The clergyman, Mortician, Police, they all poked the smelly body with a stick. Little rascles Scrooge poked it too! Scrooge poked it right in the belly and Marley was known to hate that, so if he was alive he would have punch Scrooge straight in the mouth. Old Marley was dead as a door nail. Marley's death left Scrooge the sole proprietor of the Arizona Leather Back factory. They sold a great many fine leathers: Buck Skin, GoatSkin, Calfskin! Chicken skin! All the good ones. Scrooge was tight-fisted hand at the grind stone. He never used the AC. His store a sweltering 100 degrees at most times of the year. The heat had no effect on Scrooges leather work. His head lost in a world of leather manufacturing. Scrooge worked in a separate room back from the occasional customer. The front of the store was manned by his long-time clerk, Bob Cratchit. His desk littered with self-purchased mist fans on full power. "A merry Christmas, uncle! Judge save you!" Cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooges nephew, Fred, who came crashing through the Leathery door. This angered Scrooge. "Bah! Humbug!" Scrooge yelled at his nephew. "Christmas a humbug!? You do not mean that, I am sure?" his nephew returned. "I do. In fact, Christmas can take a rattler and shove it up its own a--." Scrooge continued, "What reason to be merry to you have? You are poor enough?" "What reason do you have to be an old bastard? You're rich enough?" Scrooge was beyond livid. He replied, "What has Christmas ever done for you?" His nephew stood proud and returned, "I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round—apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that—as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!" Bob Cratchit applauded involuntarily. Scrooge yelled, "If I hear another sound from you, Christmas shall be held in the unemployment line!" Scrooge's nephew interrupted the anger, "Anyway, come dine with us? My wife would love your company, Uncle. " Scrooge was done with this conversation and he let his guest know, "Good Afternoon" "Uncle" "Good Afternoon!" "You intend to make this unpleasant but you are my family and I love you, so Merry Christmas! And A Happy New Year!" "Good afternoon!" His nephew left the store without an angry word, saying goodbye to Bob on his way out. Scrooge had few other visitors he couldn't give two fucks about. At closing time, Bob came into Scrooge's office without permission. The affront irked Scrooge's mood greatly. "ah…sir." Bob said. Scrooge grunted. "Sir, may I ask a favor?" "what do you want? I am busy!" "Sir, I was wondering, may I have tomorrow off?" "Tomorrow? Why? Is it a holiday?" "Yes, its Christmas, sir" "pffft. Do people not need leather on Christmas day?" "No. Everyone is buying their loved ones ipads and ps4s and switches. We never have a customer in here. You lose money paying me my wages." Scrooge, hearing only the part about money, agreed. "You are right, Bob. But I want you here two hours early the next day and organizing the leather by alphabetically by animal's Christian name. " Bob had no idea what that meant but agreed to get the day off. When the sun set, Scrooge left his business and headed home. The streets carried a weird fog this night but scrooge gave it no mind. His mind only spooked at the raising prices of leather. He made it to his house as the sky became pitch black. It is a fact that scrooge's door bell was an ordinary door bell. It went DING-DONG and that was it. However, tonight the door bell was the face of his dead partner Jacob Marley. Scrooge looked at it. As he moved his face closer, it was a door bell again. To say he was not startled would be untrue. But he steadily got his keys and unlocked the front door. He entered the shut the door behind him. He thought to lock the locks but then thought, I have never done that before. Won't start now. Scrooge got ready for bed by heating up a can of stew, grabbing a bottle of whiskey, and eating and getting drunk between the sheets. After his meal, he found his favorite movie on Netflix, White Girls, and hit play. Around midnight, scrooge could barely lift his eyes. The sweat sounds of the Waynes Brothers lulling him to sleep. As his eye-lids landed heavily shut. His bedroom door opened violently as a something entered his chamber doors. Scrooge recognized the being as it hovered closer as his long-time partner, Marley. His eyes widen and his mouth went dry. No sounds could he make and no movement could he force. "You're dead! I know I saw you die and helped buried you." The being howled! "Do you not trust your eyes?" said the being. "I should say not. I finished a fifth of whiskey and that can play tricks on a man's mind." The being howled! The loud scream sent Scrooge to the floor. "I am your partner Jacob Marley. If life I was a bastard like you and I am here to tell you that hell is real and it sucks." Scrooge tried to appease the spirit with a compliment, "But Hell? You were still a good man? Is there no mercy?" The Being Howled! "There is no mercy for men like us! We helped finance the anti-immigration laws." Scrooge cried out, "is there no comfort for me?" The Being Howled! "You may find mercy, Scrooge!" The being began to vanish into the darkness. "Three ghosts are riding to you. They shall help you on your path." Marley had vanished. Scrooge not sure what had occurred began to doubt everything and said, "Humbug." The Being Howled! Scrooge fell to the floor again. "Expect the first ghost when the clock says one." Silence fell onto the room. Scrooge got back into bed, looking cautiously into the dark room. He laid his head down and closed his eyes. Before he slept he muttered, "Humbug." The First Ghost Scrooge awoke from the alarm on his clock he did not set. He hit the alarm and tried to go back to sleep when he felt a foreign pressure on his chest. Scrooge assumed this was the start of his fatal heart attack. He opened his eyes to find the fabled light and was greeted with the creepy smile of a bearded little person. Scrooge lifted from bed, launching the dwarf wildly into the bedroom wall. The tiny man picked himself off and grabbed a pick ax off the floor and jumped back on the bed. "Who are you tiny man!?" "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past." "Long Past?" "What is long past? I am the ghost of Christmas Past and I am here to make you realize you weren't always such a dick. Now lets go." The little fellow hit Scrooge on the head, causing his to cover his head with his hands. When he removed his hands to strike his assailant, Scrooge was in his old school. "Spirit, This is my old school." "No shit. And I am not spirit, I am a Tommy knocker. Read your Phantasmagoria. Come here." Scrooge found the Tommy Knocker in cafeteria. Watching a little boy. Scrooge recognized it as himself, age 14. Scrooge moved toward the Tommy Knocker. Meanwhile three boys ran to Scrooge and screamed, "Your mom's a whore!" The spirit, not sure what was going on, asked Scrooge. "This is the Christmas everyone found out my mom was fucking the quarterback." "What?! Shit this if the wrong memory!" He looked at Scrooge, he was noticeably upset. "Wrong memory? Are you new?" Anger took over Scrooge, and he jumped on the Tommy Knockers neck. He was about the choke out the He opened his eye and found himself in a candy store. Not just any candy store but Fezziwigs! "Spirit! I know this place! I interned here!" "Good, I got the place right. I am sorry about that last memory. And to answer your question, Yes, I am new. " Scrooge didn't hear the ghost. He was lost in nostalgia. Scrooge spotted himself running in a much younger body down a flight of stairs into Fezziwig's office. The older Scrooge and the Tommoy Knocker followed him. "Sir! Margret has just brought boxes upon boxes of Christmas cookies. They smell so good!" Fezziwig did not move from his chair. "Sir?" Scrooge began to remember this Christmas. It was the Christmas his beloved mentor died from diabetes due to his wife's sugary cookies. The Tommy Knocker realized this as well and before Scrooge could say anything to point out the error the blunt side of a pick hit Scrooge in the Temple again. This time Scrooge woke up at a beautiful lake. Sitting on a bench were two people staring into the distance. "Nope! I know this memory. This is the Christmas Belle left me because I was working to hard. I thought you were trying to make me not a dick. I have once again been devastated by reliving all these Christmases. You suck at your job." The Tommy Knock looked around and agreed. He said, "Listen after this is done you are going to be asked to take a survey. I am going to ask you decline to take it." The Tommy Knocker jumped up and slammed the pick into his head again. Scrooge woke at 1:15 with a massive headache. He was back in his room. Alone.

Jospeh Down Under

The Bible Goes West, By J.E. Tucker Genesis 20 Joseph Down Under 1 So Joseph, one of the few to survive the destruction caused by Jacob and Esau's feud, needed work. 2 With the patriarchs of his family dead, Joseph had to find his own money. All he had was a multi-colored rifle and the ability to shoot a bullet far. One time he had sent lead 900 yards hitting a wolf stalking his cattle. 3 In a frontier town in the west of the country, Joseph found a poster requesting hands in Australia. 4 He returned the poster, signed J., punctuated with three close bullet holes, and got on a boat for the land to the south. 5 The trip was long but Joseph entertained the sailors with amazing long shots on jumping fish. It was the best fun the sailors had since that manatee pleasured them all. 6 Joseph arrived in Australia on a hottest day of the year. Everyone was pissed, sweaty, and the air smelled like a slaughterhouse. 7 In the small town of Sydney, Joseph was to meet with his employer. He decided to head to the saloon and have a nice beverage. 8 After a nice warm beer, Joseph noticed a scuffle happening outside. Three men were harassing a lady, with a nice BLTwhich Joseph thought was mighty fine. 9 The three men grabbed at the woman, restricting her arms and legs. They lifted her off the ground and toward a carriage. They were mere feet from the door of the carriage when Joseph hit the biggest one with the butt of his rifle. 10 The large man dropped to the ground and the other two were not strong enough to hold up the woman they falsely claimed. She fell to the ground and released a long string of expletives. 11 The two men still conscious picked up their large friend and left in the carriage. The driver screaming, We see you again and trouble will be had. 12 He then released a number of threats from his lips. His passion so great he did not notice the low hanging branch which clocked him in the back of the head. 13 Joseph went to the attractive big bottom lady and helped her up. She thanked him 14 She said, My name is Asenath and I appreciate your help. Let me buy you a drink. I owe you a great favor. 15 Joseph agreed. Asenath told Joseph her tale; of the massacre at her family farm and her mission of revenge against all evil land owners. 16 Around dusk, the men Joseph was to meet entered the saloon. They moved to joseph and grabbed his attention. 17 One said, You Joseph? Let's get going. We have a two hour ride ahead of us. 18 The other said, Who is her? You said you work alone. 19 Asenath jumped in, I owe him a debt. Worry not who I am, for I protect your employee is all. 20 The two men were confused but too tired and not paid enough to worry the change of details. They got on their horses and rode to their employer's ranch. 21 On the biggest ranch in Australia, Joseph and Asenath met the greatest landowner down under, Pharaoh. 22 Pharaoh said to Joseph, I am in need on a man with your skill. The Aboriginal people have annoyed me for the last time. I need you to kill them all so I may take their land. 23 Joseph replied, I know I am a sharpshooter but I will not kill people so you can have more land. You have more than you can farm. 24 Joseph was so enraged by Pharaoh's request he gave him the Cleveland toss out of his own house. 25 Joseph then said, How do you like it? Now I own your house. How does that feel? 26 Joseph's question was punctuated by a frying pan to his head from Pharaoh's Aborigine man servant. 27 The Servant quickly brought the cooking utensil to Asenath's dome as well. Once on the ground the hands of Pharaoh descended upon the two. Many fists and boots knocked them out cold. 28 Pharaoh's laugh the last thing they heard. 29 Asenath was the first to wake. The bright sun illuminated the desert landscape around them. She woke Joseph. 30 The two found themselves with only their clothes and weapons. No water, no compass, no map. They walked. 31 Within hours the heat dried the water from their bodies. Joseph was the first to collapse. Asenath then carried him for as long as she could. She collapsed next to a tall prickly pear cacti. 32 On the other side of the cacti, an aborigine man was napping. When Asenath hit the ground, he jumped up startled hitting his head against the strong cacti arm. After cursing his luck, he brought Joseph and Asenath to his tribe. 33 There Joseph and Asenath learned of the people and their land; how Pharaoh wanted to mine the great mountain for gold and enslave the tribes. 34 Joseph saw that the native people were good and pledged his gun to their cause. A large feast was had with Joseph and Asenath dancing drunk into the night. 35 The next morning Joseph woke to the screams of women and children as Pharaoh's hands pillaged the camp. 36 One Aborigine, forced to the ground, said to Joseph, get up whitey! 37 Joseph grabbed his gun. He shot the two men forcing the aborigine down and moved on to all who trespass against his host. 38 As dawn rose, The body count was high. Many aborigine lay dead; but just as many of Pharaoh's hands joined them in hell. 39 Asenath was caring for a baby found amongst the dead. Joseph said, I am going to town to buy ammo. The End is Nigh. 40 Asenath replied, good. Get me double what you get. My anger is great. 41 Asenath returned to caring for the child. Joseph rode into town. He bought every last bullet the gunsmith made. Revenge was nigh. 42 Not but a step outside the smith's door did Joseph see four of Pharaoh's men. He loaded his rifle and went to work. 43 One by one, Joseph gun down Pharaoh's hands from long distance, not giving them any chance to draw their weapons. 44 Joseph told the nearest citizen of the town, Tell the undertaker there are four on the floor and more on their way. It will be a good day for him. 45 Joseph rode back to Asenath. She had just protected the child from an assault of baby-loving Dingos. Joseph commended her grit and threw three boxes of lead at her feet. He said, It begins. 46 The two rode to pharaoh's ranch. They killed the guards on the outskirts of town, then moved into the interior of the ranch. 47 At the big house, Asenath shot a guard by the front door. Joseph moved up but on the poach he took a bullet from a hand he never saw to the left. Joseph's misstep distracted Asenath. 48 Pharaoh's two sons, Bobo and JoJak, moved on the two avengers and they were captured Joseph and his partner. 49 They were brought before Pharaoh and stripped of their rifles. Pharaoh said, You caused me many problems. I've lost more men in one night than my entire time on the range. 50 I've noticed you two only use rifles, like yellow bellies. Let me teach you how to quick draw, like someone with courage. 51 Two handguns were thrown at their feet. They picked them up and equipped the holsters. Bobo and JoJak went to Pharaoh's sided, Joseph and Asenath counted ten paces away from their opponents. 52 Pharaoh placed a musical watch from his pocket and cranked the tiny music player. The song played. 53 Joseph stared down Pharaoh. Asenath met eyes with Bobo and JoJak. The song Continued. 54 They shot at the music's end. 55 Smoke filled the air. As the ghostly clouds vanished Pharaoh and his two hands were left standing; as were Joseph and Asenath. Everyone had missed. 56 Pharaoh said, I see. He looked to see the bullet holes behind him. Maybe we just go our separate ways. I'll promise not to do no evil and let you all live in my land free. 57 Joseph replied, heart pounding, Yes. That seems like a good idea. Sorry for the trouble. "If I see you around my ranch I'll gun you down" Ha ha ha. No, I'm just joking. 58 So went how the Clan of Joseph and Asenath arrived in Australia. Their lives blessed by the Judge for Generations.

The Kill-ology of the West and the Funeral of Jacob

The Bible Goes West, By Me, J.E. Tucker. Vanquish-ology of The West and The Funeral of Jacob Genesis 18 1 With all the bodies piling up, the clans of Jacob and Esau decided to record who shoot who. 2 The deaths were many and gruesome; the survivors were even more gruesome with their holes in their face and missing limbs. 3 What Follows is the Vanquish-ology of The West 4 The first to die was Esau's niece, Brandine. In response to Brandine's death the clan of Esau killed Jacob's friend, Pete Spuckler. 5 Maw took out Pete Spuckler with a long range shoot on a sunny day. She just started to celebrate the tough shot when Merl come up behind and shot her like a coward. 6 Dia Betty enacted revenge upon Merl but Gummy Sue evened the score with a slug from a shot gun. 7 Normal Head Joe finished Big Head Todd, and Tiffany brought death to Designated Dorothy 8 Heather avenged Big Head Todd and Cody got Tiffany. 9 Romeo and Juliet fell in love but when the two families found out about their love they ended up killing each other; because of the teenage angst or something stupid. 10 There was a short lull in the combat, during which bridges were built between the lands. They were almost complete when Jacob's bumbling grandson Jordan crashed his carriage into the bridge support destroying all the good work. 11 Taylor, main designer of the bridge, found Jordan and shot him dead in the street. Brittany, Jordan's wife, took up his gun and got returned violence to Taylor. This, of course, started the feud anew. 12 The youngens now joined the fray; the old men and women of Jacob and Esau dead from old age and syphilis. 13 Wesley was the first to strike; filled with stories of bravery and action from his grandfather Jacob. He shot Rumer while Rumer was entering the General market on the Jacob side of town. 14 Scout rushed to his brother and with Rumer's gun he got Wesley and his sister Cassidy. 15 The smallest youngen of Esau, Zoe, would not let this stand and with her 4-year-old hands picked up cold iron and erupted it at Scout; hitting him square between the eyes. 16 Chloe was Jacob's youngest youngen and it was her job to take the fight to Esau's door. And she did. 17 The 3, and 4 month, year-old kid was a knife expert. She was as adorable as the Chucky doll. She stabbed Max real good. 18 She also got the best of Hunter; then snuck into the rooms of Kendall, Noah, Sascha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, and Q-Bert. Slashing them all to ribbons. 19 That little slicer went up and down the ranks of Esau. Until Esau created a super soldier of his own. 20 Rubella Scabies was the little demon. She was not a fighter in the traditional sense but deadly none the less. 21 Phil attempted to kill her but Phil started to cough badly. Soon blood flew from his lips and he fell unconscious and never woke. 22 Birthday came into the room to see Phil fallen. He picked up the child and took him to the house of Jacob to use as ransom. 23 Once Rubella Scabies was on the Ranch of Jacob, a strange illness fell upon the range. Crystal Meth was the first on the ranch to die after Rubella's arrival. 24 Dubya died next and spread it to his lover, Incest. Their daughter, International Harvester was removed from the house, hoping death would not follow her. Jitney took in International Harvester. 25 One by one, all whom lived with Jitney began to cough. Stabbed In Jail died after three days, followed by the twins, Wheel and Barrel. 26 The twins left a mess when they died. Navel String and Melvis' beds where covered in the fluids of death. 27 Their sometimes lovers, Mary Not-Quite-Right and Mary Zeke, tried to clean the mess but developed The Cough from their effort. The two women's brother, Gitmo, visited them numerous times on the request of their grandfather. 28 This is how Jacob contracted the Cough of Death from his grandson and died in the tub, making a gross toxic human stew for his family to find in the morning. Genesis 19 1 The Family of Jacob was devastated. The weapon of Esau had killed many. The fighting had stopped. Most could only muster the energy to mourn. 2 Jacob had been dead for almost a week and it was time to bury the body. 3 The funeral was modest but had a nice buffet for eating the sorrows away. 4 Jacob's favorite song filled the air as men and women cried and children who had never known Jacob sat bored. 5 Esau entered the place of mourning. He felt his presence was necessary. The Family of Jacob saw it otherwise. 6 Sure, he was responsible for a great deal of murder, including the death of Jacob; but gosh darn it, Esau was Jacob's brother and he going to be at his brother funeral. 7 With each row of seats he passed, Esau could hear the sounds of firearms being readied but Esau continued. 8 Esau made it to the casket of Jacob. He said, 9 I am sorry, brother. I never meant to kill you like this. I wanted to leave you dead in the streets not kill you in the sheets. 10 The Clan of Jacob took Esau's presences as an insult. The larger women and men lifted themselves from their seats and blocked the doors. 11 A tear for his brother was forming in the corner of Esau's left eye, when he felt the touch of a hand on his shoulder. 12 You best be getting, Rachel said. Your clan is not welcome here, today. 13 Esau turned around. He saw Rachel standing before him with a clan of enemies at her back. 14 Esau said, I am here to mourn my brother, a rival and enemy, but also my brother. I came to shed a tear or two Just like you. 15 Rachel said, You are the catalyst of death for my family. No love do we have for you. 16 Rachel walked to the front of Esau's enemies. She said to Esau with hands on her guns, We end this today. 17 The piano player stopped playing his lamentful serenade, packed his keys, black and white, into a bag and snuck out of the funeral gathering. 18 Esau drew. His fire pierced the two beside Rachel in the heart. 19 The clan of Jacob returned fury seven fold. 20 The air became filled with smoke and led. Bullets striking down most who peaked their head out. 21 Esau hid behind Jacob's body, his brother absorbing his families rage. 22 One by one, Esau picked off the clan of Jacob as he used the corpse of Jacob as a shield. 23 Esau made his way to the exit, his dead brother filled with more led than a child that eats paint. 24 Esau dropped his brother and turned to see the destruction he had brought. In front of him lay the dead and wounded of Jacob. 25 Esau said, I came here to pay my respects and your grudge against me made it impossible. I take my leave but know I have won today. 26 Esau's face exploded off his skull as he ended the statement. He had miscounted the clan. 27 Behind the faceless body of Esau stood a child, no more than four, holding a shotgun; and out of the gun of babes The Clan of Esau lost their leader and went into disarray. 28 The child dropped the gun and went to his momma. She was dead but her purse was open. The young child went in and grabbed a handful of individually wrapped marzipan. 29 His momma was not going to say no to candy today.

The Return of Jacob and Battle of The Clans

The Bible Goes West The Return of Jacob and The First Battle of the Clans. Genesis 16 1 Jacob turned in the mauled body of The Stranger and his reward were great. 2 Word of his catch went far and wide. In only two days, the news of Jacob's actions reached the wives hunting him. 3 Rachel said to the others, Looks like our husband is wealthy and in a nearby town. Let us go to him and say hello. 4 The Wives rode throughout the day and night. The rush of the hunt kept them awake like good Bolivian marching powder. 5 They reached the town and setup station at all the entrances, keeping a good eye out for their runaway husband. Good, old fashion, robbery and murder was on their mind. 6 Around little after sundown Jacob made himself known to the town. He cried out for drink and company. 7 Jacob erupted from the inn with great gusto; a smile on his face and money in his pocket, his new spurs jingle-jangled all the way to the saloon. 8 Leah was the first to see him. Her bubbling rage made her movements rash and almost gave her position away. Luckily a young strumpet caught Jacob's eye and focused his attention. 9 Leah followed her husband to the fanciest saloon in town. His appearance garnered cheers from the patrons of the bar. They knew his drunk ass was going to spend way too much money. 10 Leah gathered the other wives and together they came up with a plan. 11 They would pay one of the ladies of the saloon to go home with Jacob. Once distracted by the young flesh he lusted after, The Wives would enter from the window and door thus blocking his escape. 12 As they predicted, Jacob fancied one of the ladies. The Wives found the woman and persuaded her, with a good sum of money, to become intimate with him. 13 After a night of drinking, Jacob was ready to know this young thing. He gathered his things, took a blue pill, and left with the young lady, his Wives in tow. 14 Jacob was lost in the body before him as he entered his inn. He did not notice the two other women following them. He entered his room without noticing the two gunslingers outside his window. He was only looking to breed. 15 Once the young woman had stripped Jacob of clothes and weapon The Wives made their entrances. 16 Female Billy and Zippy crashed through the window; Leah and Rachel kicked open the bedroom door. 17 A naked Jacob screamed, IIIIEEEEEEEEEE 18 Zippy hit him in the dick to stop the fearful cry. Jacob dropped to the ground. Rachel paid the young lady a bonus, telling her to forget what she saw. 19 The four women moved on Jacob. First Leah punched him in square in the face followed by the slap of a gun barrel from zippy. Female Billy grabbed him by the throat and threw him on the floor. 20 Rachel spoke, she said, Howdy husband. It seems you have come upon good times. 21 Jacob said, Hello. 22 Rachel continued, we have been hearing some mighty great things about you. Word on the range is that you collected on the Bounty of He Who Wears The Golden Duster. 23 Rachel went to Jacob's closet. There she found many a nice jacket and a large bag filled with bank notes. Rachel took the treasure out of the closet and threw it to her allies. 24 Female Billy said unto Jacob, What do we have here? Payment for having your children? It seems a little shy. Female Billy struck Jacob with her gun. 25 The Four Wives of Jacob had toyed with him long enough. Zippy threw a long and thick rope over the ceiling support beam. The other Wives forced Jacob on a chair and strung the rope around his neck. 26 Jacob said, Listen, I messed up. I'll do anything to make it up to you all. Do you want our children to grow up without a father? 27 Leah spoke, In your absence we bonded over blood and your betrayal. We have talked and we have decided that while the children will have no father, they will have four mothers that love them more than their father. 28 Jacob accepted his fate and without fight he lowered his head and closed his eyes. His Wives pointed their guns at a leg of the chair and began to count down from ten. 29 Birds chirped outside the widow and talk of commerce emanated from the lobby of the Inn. The world did not care about the death of Jacob. Poo-Tee-weet 30 The women reached the count of one and each cocked their gun. They fired as a cannon ball crashed through the roof saving Jacob and throwing everyone aside. 31 Outside, Esau stood proud and overlooking the carnage he caused. He yelled, clan of Jacob! You are on my land. I told you never to return. Now feud! Genesis 17 1 Esau's cannon ruptured the Inn where Jacob and his wives were conducting business. 2 Esau said, I told you to get, Jacob. Now you are in my lands with your many concubines. This is an affront to our father and our family. 3 Leah, who raised five children on her own was weary of being called a whore, she erupted with a flurry of shotgun blasts and words. 4 Leah said, I am sick and tired of everyone calling me a whore. Prepare to die, pig! 5 Zippy and Female Billy joined their sister wife in sending lead toward the posse of Esau. 6 Rachel picked up Jacob. She handed him a gun and said, You've been the slime of humanity for a long time; at least in the eyes of your wives. Now is your time to not be such a failure and stand with your women against your brother. 7 Jacob said, I am not really good at firing a gun. 8 Before he could show her his accidental, self-inflected, gunshot wound, Rachel threw him up and toward a window for better view of the action. 9 Rachel continued, shoot the clan of Esau dead. They have trespassed against us. Now we trespass all over them. Fire! 10 The Ladies let out a frightening scream and sent fiery lead out. Jacob settled himself and pointed his gun out the window, hoping to hit Esau and end this. He Fired. 11 Jacob's bullet flew from the barrel and into a nearby waiter's leg. The Waiter was smoking a cigar while on brake. He looked up at where the bullet came from and caught eyes with Jacob. 12 Jacob looked around nervously. He quietly said sorry and backed away from the window. The Waiter angrily hobbled his way to the doctor. 13 The fighting was getting fierce and Jacob attempted another shot. He lined up his sights on Esau and closed his eyes, praying to hit his target. He fired. 14 Jacob's bullet flew from his barrel, past Esau and into the shoulder of the Mayor, who was giving a speech to the town. The Mayor's bodyguards gathered around the frightened mayor. 15 The Mayor cried out, I've been shot by my constituents! 16 Jacob dropped the gun, not wanting to shoot anyone else by accident, but when the gun hit the ground hit fired and sent a bullet into the arm of the inn manager. 17 He was going to see what all the noise was about and quickly turned around when hit. 18 He said, I see you guys are busy, I'll come around later. 19 Eventually the Wives of Jacob were able to cause Esau's line to break and he retreated. 20 He said, prepare for feud, Jacob. This is my land, given to me by our father. You shall not gain another inch in this territory. 21 I'll send body after body after you. My ranch is great and the hands owe me many favors. You will kill one of my men and then bam! Another one will be in your closet. 22 Kill that one and one will be in your sock drawer. If you happen to get that one, I'll have a man waiting in your bathtub. The line will never stop. 22 Should we die of old age, I'll instruct my clan to take out bounty after bounty against your kin. We will make it a real shady bounty too; It will say "Wanted: Dead" followed by the picture of one of your children or something. 23 The point is, The war is on, brother. The war is on.