The Longing Lab

First Love Author Lisa A. Phillips on the impact of teen crushes and heartbreaks

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/1921728/fan_mail/new] Episode 40 Journalist Lisa A. Phillips discusses her new book First Love, exploring the emotional landscape of adolescent relationships, the significance of first loves, and how early experiences shape future romantic patterns. She shares insights on the importance of conversations around love and boundaries for teens. Journalist Lisa Phillips is the author of the book, First Love: Guiding Teens through Relationships and Heartbreak [https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781538161685/First-Love-Guiding-Teens-through-Relationships-and-Heartbreak]. Lisa has written about relationships, mental health, and teens for The New York Times, The Washington Post, Longreads, Psychology Today, Cosmopolitan, Salon, and other outlets. She teaches journalism and the popular “Love and Heartbreak” seminar at the State University of New York at New Paltz. She’s published two previous books: Unrequited: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Romantic Obsession [https://www.amazon.com/Unrequited-Thinking-Womans-Romantic-Obsession/dp/0062114026] and Public Radio: Behind the Voices [https://www.amazon.com/Public-Radio-Behind-Lisa-Phillips/dp/B000GIW446]. Phillips began her journalism career in public radio, working for radio stations in the Midwest and Northeast for more than a decade. She is a recipient of a New York Foundation for the Arts grant lives in New York's Hudson Valley. Learn more here: https://www.lisaamyphillips.com/ [https://www.lisaamyphillips.com/]   In this episode, (in order) we talked about:  *How her daughter inspired the book *How our first loves shape us later in life *The importance of not dismissing a kid’s crush and instead validating the pain *Identity crushes & the Jungian notion of anima and animus *How “becoming” aspects of your crush you admire can free you from your crush *The importance of redemption stories to overcome heartbreak *Why self-actualization is not a prerequisite to being in a healthy relationship *Relationships exist no matter what you call them *The realizations she had when she reached out to her first love decades later   Quotes “Our first experiences with pleasure create a kind of template for future attractions…we're forming associations with the conditions of pleasure that can be very lasting throughout our lives.” “But if you've had the experience of breaking free from a pattern, which I certainly feel I did when I met my husband, that is the example of, okay, ‘I added this room to my house where it's still my house, but there's this different space that's much better, safer, more fruitful, more, fulfilling and mutual.’” “Self-actualization in certain formulations becomes an impossible goal. There are always ways we could be more together. And even if we're at peak altogetherness, challenges, including challenges in relationships, can make us feel less than whole. That's part of love.” “We still have responsibilities to each other. We have responsibilities to be clear. We have responsibilities to be responsive. And we have responsibilities to be kind.” “He wasn't a great boyfriend, but he made a great muse. And after we broke up, I really did sort of set myself on this program to become all these things that he embodied…In really a very short amount of time, the “what he was” became less important than the ways that I was embodying these qualities myself.”

James Beard award-winning restaurateur Bobby Stuckey on longing, listening, & longevity in hospitality

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/1921728/fan_mail/new] Episode 39 Bobby Stuckey, James Beard award-winning restaurateur and master sommelier, discusses how he finds joy in the mundane, the essential skill of listening in hospitality to understand what customers are longing for, and how endurance running has contributed to his longevity in the profession. Bobby Stuckey, founder of the James Beard Foundation award-winning and Michelin-starred Frasca Hospitality Group, is a renowned Master Sommelier, restaurateur, winemaker, and cookbook author. With a career spanning nearly four decades, Bobby's journey from busboy to award-winning operator includes notable roles at The Little Nell and The French Laundry, where he helped earn numerous accolades, including the James Beard Foundation’s Outstanding Wine Service Award. In 2004, Bobby and his business partner Lachlan Mackinnon-Patterson opened Frasca Food and Wine in Boulder, followed by other successful ventures like Pizzeria Alberico, Sunday Vinyl, Tavernetta, Osteria Alberico and Tavernetta Vail. A passionate advocate for the industry, Bobby received Food & Wine’s Mentorship Award in 2024 and the Julia Child Award in 2025. He is also a founding member of the Independent Restaurant Coalition. When not working, Bobby enjoys spending time with his wife, Danette, listening to vinyl, running marathons, and supporting sustainable practices in the restaurant industry.  Learn more here: https://www.frascafoodandwine.com/team-member/bobby-stuckey/ [https://www.frascafoodandwine.com/team-member/bobby-stuckey/] In this episode, (in order) we talked about:  *What fine dining means to different people *The importance of listening in hospitality *Why he busses tables at his own restaurants *Identifying and satisfying longing in different customers *Stuckeyisms related to preparation (i.e. the piggy bank theory) *The role endurance running has played in his life *Ways in which he’s a coach at work *Future goals   Quotes “I enjoy the mundane and the normal things that sometimes people would find boring or tedious. And I find a lot of joy in that, and it reduces the longing effect.” “Sometimes I get recharged to this inspiration of the craft of hospitality through people you wouldn't think would be inspiring for my craft.” “Hospitality is not about you. It's about someone else. We're not great at it in our country. Our culture has many beautiful things. The American culture is not about hospitality. We're not about thinking about the other person. And part of thinking about the other person is listening.” “If we just obsess about perfection, it's unobtainable. So, what we have to do is do the best and work on our craft every day…We need those Friday nights, though, because then we learn skill sets that you can't read in a manual. How do you change gears and how do you stay like a swan when, wow, it seems like everything's up against you.” “Running to me is part of my whole ecosystem of longevity in this profession.” “Things that I would love to see have nothing to do with awards for Frasca. I think, at the moment, I would love to see policy writers on the civic level, the state level, and the federal level understand restaurants better.”

The Flirt Coach Benjamin Camras on being a hopeFUL romantic

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/1921728/fan_mail/new] Episode 38:  Flirt coach Benjamin Camras reveals what he's learned about longing, belonging, connection, and self-love, both through his personal dating experience and as a dating coach.  He shares ways he helps others navigate the complexities of dating and relationships. Benjamin Camras is a flirt and dating coach sharing his love of flirting and BFE - big flirt energy - with the world! A lifelong introvert and socially anxious member of society, Benjamin now helps singles and daters alike flirt with more confidence, clarity, and fun! As the flirt is all about connection, Benjamin helps the flirt community (the Flirties!) date from a place that allows the value of connection in all forms - platonic, romantic, and with the self - to take center stage. Ultimately, this practice of connection helps flirters and daters alike create stronger relationships, transcend limiting beliefs, and develop an unwavering love for the self. His work has been featured in Fortune, NBC News, The Huffington Post, Men's Health, and Yoga Journal.   In this episode, (in order) we talked about:  *The connection between practicing yoga and longing *His evolution from city planner to The Flirt Coach *The video he made on flirting that encouraged him to start flirt coaching *His personal challenges being single at 40 and coaching others on flirting *His “coming out story” *Limerence in queer individual *Fears he most hears clients admit *His struggles with depression and anxiety *How his mantra “Begin Again” helps you get out of your head and into the flirt *The concept of the “solo date” to practice flirting to help nervous system adjust *The importance of being a hopeful romantic   Quotes “Once you come out, it's definitive. It's something you can't take back. It's out there and it will change your life forever. Not necessarily in negative ways. It can certainly be in positive ways, but it is a life-changing moment. And it's something that you have to do again and again and again. One of the biggest reasons I didn't wanna come out was because I didn't wanna have to have this conversation over and over.” "For some people [in high school], I was the only gay person they knew, which was a lot of pressure.  Like, how am I supposed to be? There weren't a lot of role models to look to at that time...I didn't know of a single gay man in my life that was in a relationship. That was married, that had a family, a healthy partnership in all the ways that a lot of relationship practitioners and gurus talk about it and a lot of the ways I talk about it too. I didn't see that anywhere in my life.  I had limerence with this idea of something that I didn't know could exist because I didn't see it.” “I work with a fair amount of people that are in their 40s, 50s, 60s and haven't really dated that much or haven't had a relationship. 'What if it doesn't happen for me?' is the thought a lot of people have. It's a thought that I have, which I feel like is the quiet part I'm not supposed to say, but it's true.” "It's almost easier to be sad and miserable for me than it is to be happy. I've long struggled with mental health and depression, anxiety. And that's a big part of why I do what I do is hoping to help people feel less lonely. One of the greatest antidepressants in the whole world is connection.” “A lot of luck is saying yes to opportunities. A lot of luck is going to that thing as a single person by yourself that you maybe don't want to go to but doing it anyway. So a lot of timing and luck you do have control over, but the universe also is going to wave its invisible hands.” “We don’t always have to stay in the waiting rooms of our lives.”

Infertility advocate Lana Manikowski on finding purpose beyond motherhood

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/1921728/fan_mail/new] Episode 37: Lana Manikowski (a certified life coach, infertility advocate, and the author of So Now What?) shares her personal journey navigating infertility, how it shaped her life, and practical strategies for reconnecting with one's body and finding purpose beyond motherhood. She highlights the importance of creating a new narrative regardless of societal expectations. Lana Manikowski is a certified life coach, author, and infertility advocate who helps women thrive after infertility. After a seven-year fertility journey that ended without children, she created the support she yearned for but was never offered. She went on to write the bestselling book So Now What?, founded The Other’s Day Brunch, an annual event honoring women without children, and hosts The "So Now What?" Podcast. Through her coaching and community, Lana guides women to release shame, heal their relationship with their bodies, strengthen their marriages or partnerships, and reconnect in meaningful relationships with friends and family who have children. She helps childless women create purposeful, joyful lives beyond motherhood. She holds advanced certifications in grief and post-traumatic growth and is a proud member of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) and an active volunteer with the National Infertility Association, RESOLVE To learn more about Lana visit her website: https://lanamanikowski.com [https://lanamanikowski.com/] In this episode, (in order) we talked about:  * Longing as a guiding beacon  * How infertility can lead to feelings of failure & why self-compassion is essential * How reconnecting with the body involves appreciation beyond reproduction * Why purpose can be found in how we show up in the world (not just through motherhood) * How friendships may evolve during one's journey of fertility * Practical strategies to help in healing and self-acceptance * How to better show up for ourselves on a daily basis * Why she didn't want her book cover to look like a sympathy card * The top 27 things people say when you're childless and how to respond  Quotes "Here I was (an) unexplained and failed patient. That really got into my psyche. Like, did I do something wrong? Did I not pay attention enough? Did I not take my medications at the right time? Did I do something in my past that I am being punished for?" "I had an animosity towards my body that it didn't show up for me. So, I sort of gave up on my body and felt like it was broken and failed anyway. And I started working with a weight loss coach, and turns out she was a life coach, and that was what exposed me to the principles of life coaching." "I think it's really important to allow ourselves to show up for ourselves first, and we're not often given that opportunity by society." "There are so many things that our body does and so many new challenges that we can offer our body if we can let go of parenthood or motherhood or caring a child or conceiving as being the only thing that we see our body useful for." "Why are we, as childless women, looking at ourselves without purpose? What if I'm not the person that needs to declare my purpose, but people take the beautiful pieces of me and, through that, my purpose is created. What if we just show up in our life and feel connected to who we are? Your purpose is super easy because you are impacting the people around you and giving them gifts because of who you are." "There are moments where I see a mother baby interaction, and I still get sad. But getting sad doesn't mean that I'm still not growing."

Columbia Professor Walter Frisch on the musical language of longing

Send us Fan Mail [https://www.buzzsprout.com/1921728/fan_mail/new] Episode 36 Columbia University Professor of Music Walter Frisch explores how longing is expressed in 19th and 20th-century music, particularly in the works of composers like Schumann, Wagner, and Arlen. Frisch also shares the lesser-known historic details on the development of the iconic song of longing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." Walter Frisch is the H. Harold Gumm/Harry and Albert von Tilzer Professor of Music at Columbia University, where he has taught since 1982. He has lectured on music throughout the United States, and in England, France, Spain, Germany, and China.  Frisch is a specialist in the music of composers from the Austro-German sphere in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries and in American popular song.  His books include German Modernism: Music and the Arts (2005), Music in the Nineteenth Century (2012), Arlen and Harburg’s “Over the Rainbow” (2017), and Harold Arlen and His Songs (2024). He is currently working on a book about the classic French film musical The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. Frisch has been awarded fellowships from the National Endowment for the Humanities, the Alexander von Humboldt Foundation in Germany, the Center for Scholars and Writers at the New York Public Library, and Columbia’s Institute for Ideas and Imagination in Paris. Learn more about Frisch at: https://music.columbia.edu/bios/walter-frisch  In this episode, (in order) we talked about:  *How Robert Schumann’s infatuation for pianist Clara Wieck inspired his music composition *The unresolved harmony in Richard Wagner’s Opera Tristan and Isolde  *How Henri Berlioz’s object of longing, Irish actress Harriet Smithson, inspired his piece Symphonie Fantastique  *Terms of longing used in music composition like “vague de passion" *Why “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” almost got cut from the movie The Wizard of Oz *How Harold Arlen composed the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” *Why MGM hoped “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” would outshine Disney’s “Someday My Prince Will Come”—both known as an “I want” song in musical parlance *How “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” made it out of MGM and was recorded and released (1938) before The Wizard of Oz (1939) by big band singer Bea Wain *What the song meant to Judy Garland throughout her life *The introduction to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” that is often not sung Quotes “Sometimes we call it dissonance and consonance, or things that are unstable and stable, and very often, that pattern can sort of be linked to, or feel like it's connected to longing, a state of tension that longs for resolution." “There's a melody [on top of this Tristan chord] that creeps upward in very small intervals, and it seems to be going somewhere, but not quite getting there…So that becomes part of this musical language of longing.” “Wagner's view of longing and passion was influenced by the philosopher Schopenhauer, who, in turn, was influenced by Buddhism. There is this sense (that) you can never really overcome the suffering within this world. It's only in another world or in another sphere that you can find satisfaction.” “In the middle section of the song, called a bridge, where Dorothy sings, “That's where you'll find me,” and before she goes back to the opening melody, on “find” that chord is the most dissonant, most kind of unresolved chord in the song, at the moment of greatest tension, so sort of like Schumann or Wagner.” “The two composers that I've written the most about are Brahms from the 19th century and Harold Arlen from the 20th century. They never knew each other. They were totally different kinds of people. But in both their music, there is a sense of longing and yearning, even melancholy….it really speaks to me.”