Sex Spoken Here

Part 1 can be found on The A to Z of Sex. Welcome to Sex Spoken Here. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity, deeply knowing another person.  Emotional intimacy is built by getting to know someone deeply – sharing confidences.  Physical intimacy includes many forms of sexual contact. Joining me today is Georgia Rose, found of G’s Spot – her digital platrom that is devoted to female sexual pleasure and sensuality.  She says she has ‘launched this digital platform because it has profoundly affected me that beneath the projection of a progressive, educated and liberated society there lies the murky reality that female sexuality is still largely misunderstood, mystified and miscommunicated and I want to do something to change that.’  She has carried out her own survey on female sexual pleasure and over 500 people have completed it.  She is using her data and her platform to open up conversations about female sexuality that place the female body and experience at the core. www.gs/spot.co.uk [http://www.gs/spot.co.uk] @georgias_spot Thanks for joining me for the Sex Spoken Here this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com [drloribeth@atozofsex.com] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/] and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.  Look out for my new radio show in January. If you enjoy the show, please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here: Sex Love Stories:  R Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Today we will be talking about bisexuality and BDSM. Joining me is Rudo Mashongomende.  She is 33 years old, bisexual and she works in fashion. She has always been drawn to the world of BDSM but always felt, or was made to feel that it was a sordid world, so clearly she was perverted. She realises now that even as a teen she didn’t mind that, but finding like minded people, just to discuss it was the problem. She found Scarlet Ladies this year, and she was proudly part of their #italksex campaign. Turning 30 was very positive for her because she finally felt like she was in her prime, so she is allowing herself to do things she’s always been curious about. She went to her first Torture Garden last month, and she will now go to fetish events regularly, say once a every month or two. She has two subs whom she has just acquired, so she’s enjoying building dynamics with each of them. Being dominant feels so wonderfully natural, and is an effective outlet for the stresses of everyday life! I asked Rudo to tell me about her background and culture.   Rudo is Black British and is proud of this identification.   She was raised Catholic and by choice attended church until she was 18. I asked about her first sexual awareness and she told me that she first found she had an interest in some of the catalogue models in the men’s underwear section when she was about 11.  She spoke of noticing ‘the bulges’ and having a physical response and even cutting out one picture to keep.  She spoke about losing her virginity at 17 to a boyfriend and that this was a really positive experience.  We spoke about how lucky she was to have a positive first sexual experience and she says that she still remembers it well. Rudo talked about being heterosexual through university.   She told me she went to school in Brighton and that she went to a few gay bars and was aware of an attraction to women but didn’t want to act on it or even fully acknowledge this.  She spoke about moving back to London and living with a partner for 5 years and during that relationship telling him that she realised she was attracted to women and wanted to have a threesome to explore this attraction.   In the end, this didn’t happen and it wasn’t until after the relationship ended that she began to explore. Rudo talked about finding a group through Meetup and making friends with bisexual women and that meeting people to experiment with flowed from here. From there, we spoke about her interest in BDSM.  She spoke about enjoying power exchange and enjoying being dominant.  She spoke about finding partners through the Whiplr app and we talked a bit about the use of apps to find partners. Finally we talked about Scarlet Ladies and the #italksex campaign and 23 Paul Street.  Rudo spoke of her belief in gender equality especially when it comes to sex and desire.  She spoke of the importance of speaking out in public so that change happens.  We spoke about the joys of Scarlet Ladies and the wonders of 23 Paul Street. You can find Rudo at: https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/ [https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/italksex-because-they-cant-we-can-and-we-should/] https://twitter.com/stylist_face [https://twitter.com/stylist_face] https://instagram.com/stylist_face [https://instagram.com/stylist_face] 23 Paul Street [http://www.23paulstreet.com/] is the Gentleman’s Club we discussed. You can find out more about Scarlet Ladies here. [https://www.scarletladiestalk.com/] Today we spoke about the transition from heterosexuality to bisexuality, BDSM and in particular dominant women, and the importance of gender equality when it comes to sex and desire.  If you were triggered or if this resonates with you, do email me. In addition to emailing me at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com [drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com] for more information, you can find resources on the podcast pages as part of the podcast notes. Check out these podcasts and blogs for more information: BDSM and Power Exchange Practicalities [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/bdsm-power-exchange-part-5-practicalities-2/] BDSM and Power Exchange Practicalities 1 [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/bdsm-power-exchange-part-4-practicalities-011/] BDSM: Dominant Couples [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/010-sex-spoken-here-with-dr-lori-beth-bisbey-pharaoh-kaf-ra-and-empress-nahara-bdsm-and-power-exchange-part-3-dominant-couples/] BDSM Part 2 [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/sex-spoken-power-exchange-bdsm-part-2/] BDSM Part 1 [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/008-sex-spoken-dr-lori-beth-bisbey-dr-kevin-boileau-bdsm-power-exchange-part-1-50-shades-bdsm-power-exchange/] From Ouch to OOO [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/turning-pain-into-pleasure/] When Pain Turns You On [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/when-pain-turns-you-on/] Here’s What Guys Find So Freakin Hot about Rough Sex [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/heres-guys-find-freakin-hot-rough-bdsm-sex/] Thanks for joining me for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com [drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com], follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. I have a TV channel on the BonBonNetwork [http://www.bonbonnetworks.com/channel/11641] Please leave a review on iTunes and stitcher. The next five people who leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher will receive a 10% discount on any of my services. Is non-monogamy for you? What about Kink? BDSM? Role Play? Take my free test [https://the-intimacy-coach.com/] and learn how to add that to your sex life.

Please enjoy again: BDSM and Power Exchange Part 4 Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here.  Thanks for joining me for part 4 of this series on BDSM and Power Exchange.  Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. In parts 1-3 of this series we examined BDSM and power exchange from a number of angles.  This week, I look at the practicalities for getting started if BDSM and power exchange turn you on. I will start with things everyone needs to consider whether partnered or un-partnered.  Then I will give specifics for singles.  I will follow this with specifics for couples. Where to start?  You might want to grab something to write with and some paper now.  Some people believe they need to work out every detail before actually leaving the house.  Not only isn’t this a good idea but it isn’t possible.  You won’t know exactly what you will enjoy until you have begun to experiment.  I advise not to think in terms of NEVER or ALWAYS.  Even some hard limits may shift after some time.    However, it is a good idea to have an idea of your current limits, interests and desires. Start with the shape of your relationship.  If you are single, decide if you are looking for one person or people to experiment with, or if you are looking for one relationship that will include BDSM as part of the relationship or more than one relationship (and if only one or more than one will include BDSM).  If you are partnered, are you going to involve anyone else in your exploration of BDSM and power exchange? Next consider whether you are going to explore in public venues or in private on your own or both.  Many people enjoy going to public venues (like Torture Garden in London, UK) or private parties (which are still public as you are playing in the presence of other people) or at public events (like Weekend Reunion in New Jersey in the US every August or Master slave Conference which happens annually in the Washington DC area usually Labor Day weekend).  Some people prefer to experiment on their own at home and not to attend any events.   There are pros and cons to both. Pros to going to events where there are other people present: You can meet people who you might want to play with. Events are a good place to connect with others who may share your interests and desires.  Meeting people in person is still the best way to figure out if you are compatible and also to get a sense of trustworthiness.  Most of us get gut feelings when we meet people and if we feel uncomfortable can walk away from any potential relationship right then.    Meeting people online can be useful but until you make contact face to face, you won’t truly know if there is any chance of things progressing.  Some events have only a few attendees and others have thousands. You can meet people who you might wish to learn from. Experienced people often attend public events and that gives newer people the opportunity to watch them and also to learn from them.  Sometimes you can get actual instruction and other times the opportunity to arrange a time to learn from them.    It is a good idea to get some hands on instruction to learn things like flogging, using a single tail whip or bullwhip, suspension bondage, needle play or any kind of edge play.  There are many other things where you can benefit from instruction. You can enjoy watching others play. Watching others play is really hot.  It gives you the opportunity to see a variety of activities which will help you to decide if that is something you might want to try.  Sometimes watching helps people to eliminate activities as well. You can enjoy being watched by others. Some people get really turned on by having others watching them.  Parties are great places to indulge in exhibitionism that doesn’t put you at risk of being caught and arrested.  (Or at least drastically lowers the risk) You can socialise with people who share your interests. Parties and events are great places to socialise with people who also enjoy BDSM and power exchange.  For people who are in the closet amongst most if not all of their family and friends, these spaces are the only places where they can truly be out and congruent with all parts of themselves visible.  Of course just because you enjoy BDSM doesn’t mean you will have lots of other things in common. Cons of going to events where there are other people present: You will be visible. Events where there are other people mean that you will be visible.  If you are worried about running into people who may not approve of what you are doing, this could be a reason not to play in public. Events cost money and can be expensive. Most parties and events cost some money to cover the cost of the venue, safe sex supplies, dungeon furniture, event insurance and any refreshments. You might not feel you fit in. Some events have cliques.  Some events have very few LGBTQ people.  Others have few POC (people of colour).  The first event my husband and I attended we didn’t feel we fit in terribly well.  There were almost no POC present and there were no other interracial couples. Sex during a scene may be off limits.Look for sex positive events if you want to integrate penetrative sex into a scene. Pros to experimenting alone Things are completely private between you and your partner.This can increase intimacy. You can have full penetrative sex during your scene if you wish. At many events, full nudity is prohibited and full penetrative sex is prohibited either for legal reasons or because it is a rule of the event. Cons of experimenting in private only: When things go wrong, there is no one to get advice from. If you are new to all of this, it can be really helpful to have someone experienced around in case something doesn’t go to plan. Now consider who is going to be in charge?  How do you want to shape your power exchange? If you are single: What role are you most drawn to?  Have you always wanted to call the shots and be in control?  If so, you may be dominant.  Would you love to be able to surrender to someone else for a change?  If so, you may be submissive. Do you feel equally drawn to both roles or is your desire dependent upon who you are interested in playing with?  If so, you may be a switch. If you are partnered: Many couples fall into natural roles before they decide to experiment with power exchange.  These may be the roles they adopt when they start experimenting but they are not always.  Talk through who would like to be in control, who would like to surrender.  Consider service.  While some dominants enjoy service – they enjoy giving the submissive what will make them happy, many prefer to be served.     It may be that you both feel you could be in either role and enjoy it and then you can work out switching and talk about who will be in charge when. Sometimes both partners feel strongly that they are dominant or that they are submissive.  When this is the case, they usually find they wish to look for someone else to take the other power role as in the last podcast when I spoke to Pharoah Khaf Re and Empress Nahara who are a dominant couple. Next the activities you are interested in: It is a good idea to make a list of all the things that turn you on and that you might want to try at some point.  When you have finished this list, it is a good idea to make a list of things you absolutely don’t want to try.  These are the things you may consider your hard limits. If you are single, have this list to hand when you meet someone you might want to play with as you will refer to it as you negotiate. Pick a few things that you would like to try first.  It’s a good idea to have the things you start with be entry level things.  For example, if you have never experienced any pain during sex and you are in the submissive role, don’t start with whipping with a bullwhip.    Instead, if pain appeals to you, start with a light flogging or light spanking.    Don’t forget service activities like giving a foot massage, bringing drinks and snacks and serving them to the person who is in the dominant role.  Ask the person who you think you want to play with what they like for service. If you are partnered: Set aside some time and share your lists with each other.  Be clear about hard limits first.   Then look at the things that you might want to try.  Consider entry level activities first: various types of service, if you are looking at using pain consider light spankings or light floggings.    Consider things that demonstrate that the dominant is in charge like binding the submissive’s hands or having the submissive kneel or sit at the dominant’s feet. Both single and partnered need to consider if you are going to include sexual activities integrated in the BDSM and power exchange.  Some people do not at all though orgasm can occur as part of the power exchange activities (for example during a flogging).  Orgasm is often controlled by the dominant person and can be used as a reward for performing service or taking pain.  If you are going to include sexual activities, consider the context.  If you are not, consider when you will engage in sexual activities after the BDSM session. Single and partnered: Now you have done most of the pre-planning, the next step is planning. If you have decided to attend a public event, pick the event and get in contact with the organisers.  It’s useful to request a list of rules and expectations and check the prices. Pick out the clothing you will wear.  Most events have a dress code and this usually requires fetish clothing or all black clothing.  No jeans allowed.  In the next podcast I will cover resources for finding events, clothing and accessories. If you are single: Consider how you will deal with approaches from people who want to play with you.  Do you want to just observe the first time you go to an event?  If you decide you will play if asked, do you want to limit your activities to the event? If you are playing with someone, make sure to arrange a safeword.  This is a word that stops the action when it is said.  If this new person does not want to use a safe word – walk away.  Lots of people choose not to use safe words but this is usually when they know people reasonably well so that they can read each other. It is important to consider if you will leave the party with someone you meet or not. If you are going to do so, please tell someone you know where you are going and have them make a safe call to you . A safe call is when you arrange for a friend to telephone you to make sure that you are safe.  You pick a phrase that will tell a friend that you are not safe and to call the police.  Make the phrase something that will sound normal in the course of a brief conversation.  For example, you could say ‘I am having a good time’ or ‘thanks for calling’.  Whatever you choose, make sure it isn’t something you are likely to say by accident if you are really excited and having a great time.  The last thing you need is the police showing up when nothing is wrong!    Make sure your phone is accessible and can be heard because if you don’t answer, your friend will send the police and there will be lots of embarrassing explaining.  You should arrange a safe call any time you are engaging in BDSM with someone you don’t know well.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time  to look after yourself. If you are partnered: Are you playing with anyone else?  What kind of scene do you want to engage in?  Will you bring any toys with you?  Talk about all of these things before heading to the event.  It is a good idea to have a safe word when you are a beginning player even if you are playing with a partner you know well because you haven’t engaged in this type of activity before you won’t necessarily be able to read them when it comes to BDSM.  Make sure you agree that you will leave when one of you wants to leave so that there is no argument during the evening.  Work out what you will do for after care.  After care is important as BDSM and power exchange sessions can touch off intense emotions.  Adrenalin can run high and after you pump out lots of it, you will have a physiological drop so it is important to plan for this.  Quiet cuddle time usually works well as after care.  But keep in mind that drop may not occur immediately so if you are feeing suddenly emotional 48 hours later, make time for each other or make time to look after yourself. Building anticipation In the lead up to the event, you may find that anticipation is building.  This is great when the event itself is all you hoped it would be.  If the event turns out to be bad or a drag, it can be an even bigger let down because of the built up anticipation.  At those times, remind yourself that this isn’t the only time you will try something and that you learn from everything you try.  Then see if you can find the things that are positive you can pull from the experience. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com [drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com], follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com [https://the-intimacy-coach.com] and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  I look forward to seeing you next week for part 5 of this series when we will cover resources so you can connect with other players, find events, find clothing, accessories and erotica.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Please enjoy again: Sex Spoken Here: BDSM and Power Exchange Welcome to my virtual therapy room!  I am Dr Lori Beth Bisbey and this is Sex Spoken Here. Remember that this podcast deals with adult themes so if you don’t have privacy you might wish to put on your headphones. Last week I explored the practicalities for beginning to explore BDSM and Power Exchange.  This week I explore basic rules for events and resources for BDSM online and in the community.    If you haven’t heard the first four of the BDSM and Power Exchange Series, I suggest you download them.  The first two include interviews with Dr Kevin Boileau and cover some of the theory and emotional issues, the third in the series includes an interview with Pharoah Khaf Ra and Empress Nahara who are a lifestyle dominant couple and last week I started with practicalities like figuring out if you are dominant or submissive. I have talked about getting ready to step out and explore BDSM and power exchange whether you are doing it in private or in public.    But many people have no idea where to begin to look to meet people, for events or for clothing and accessories. First I want to highlight that you don’t need to spend lots of money on special clothing and toys.    Most events have a dress code but most of them also will accept scant clothing (as close to nakedness as is legal in that jurisdiction) or being dressed all in black.   The dress code is supposed to encourage people to make an effort to get involved, look and feel sexy and to discourage those people who come along to gawk.  Gawking is different from watching when you are a proper voyeur.  Gawking is when someone comes to watch all the strange people and has no intention of getting involved in any way and when someone doesn’t observe basic courtesy either. Basic courtesy includes: Don’t interfere in someone else’s scene.  If they are doing something you find interesting, watch from an appropriate distance.  That means don’t watch from 2 inches away.  I was once involved in a scene with a woman where I was performing oral sex on her and a man came and sat so close too watch that his face was almost between my mouth and her pussy.  He was told very firmly to move away.  When people are using floggers, whips and canes if you get within the circle of the stroke you will get injured and really annoy the person who is doing the beating.  Also, when people are in a scene, it creates a bubble and they are likely to be unaware of the outside world.  When someone blunders in, they break the bubble and the distraction can ruin the entire scene because it interrupts the energy flow.  Energy builds in a scene to a peak just like it does in sex when it builds to orgasm. No means no. Just because someone is at a public event does not mean they are there to play with everyone.  If someone says no, please respect it. Observe protocols.Even if you find it strange to have to ask someone’s Master or Mistress to talk with them, please follow their protocols.  It is a means of demonstrating respect.  You can ask about reasons or the origins of the protocol but ultimately following it is the best way to show respect. Don’t spend time talking or asking questions in active areas of play.This disrupts the energy and disrupts the scene.  There are usually conversation areas and people are usually happy to answer questions after the scene.  Remember that after care is part of the scene. Don’t make assumptions about role, gender, sexuality, sexual orientation.Ask instead of assuming. Where to meet people online: There are lots of resources to meet people online. Fetlife.com  is a social media site for people who like fetishes including BDSM and power exchange.  There are lots of different groups once you have joined.  You can join a group for events near your location to find out who might be close by.  You make a profile and people can search profiles in a number of ways, send emails and reach out to you via the groups you join. OK Cupid! has a large number of people who enjoy kink and BDSM.  You make a profile there in the same way you would on any other dating site. Facebook:There are lots of BDSM and power exchange related Facebook groups.  Some are secret.  Others are just private.  Check group rules to see if looking to meet people is OK. Fester.com is relatively new and apparently most folk are 30 or under. Collarspace.comis mostly for hook ups.  Reviews are very mixed. BDSM.com is a space for talking about things as well as hooking up. Chained.org is site for meeting folks. Where to meet people offline besides events and parties: Going to a local munch is a great way to meet people in your area.  Munches are usually held monthly in a restaurant or pub.  People come dressed in normal clothing and are usually welcoming to newcomers. You can find munches listed on places like FetLife.com. There are fetish markets in many cities.  London, UK has one every month.  There are lots of items for sale, usually short presentations and stage shows and lots of space to mingle and meet folk.  There is also usually a play party afterwards and the ticket prices are reasonable. Finding toys and supplies: For bondage using rope: There are lots of online sites.  I recommend checking out https://www.twistedmonk.com [https://www.twistedmonk.com] This is the best site for different types of rope, rope care, how to videos etc. http://www.esinem-rope.com [http://www.esinem-rope.com] Excellent UK site for rope, tutorial DVDs. If you want to learn to make your own tools and toys: Check out the blogs on Kinkly.com For floggers, whips, restraints: http://www.detailstoys.com [http://www.detailstoys.com] http://www.whipsbywolf.com/handmade-leather-floggers/ [http://www.whipsbywolf.com/handmade-leather-floggers/] For gay men – hard core toys https://www.regulation-london.com [https://www.regulation-london.com] Get recommendations from people you meet at events. Of course you need not spend much money at all.  There are many ‘pervertables’ in most homes.  A pervertable is something that is ordinary that you can turn to a kinky purpose. For example: Belts are extremely pervertable to use for a beating.  You can use wooden spoons (ouch!), spatulas.  Lots of things in the kitchen are pervertable. For restraints you can use ties, belts, scarves. For blindfolds – ties, scarves. It’s easy to go wild and spend a fortune on beautiful toys and restraints and then rarely use them.  I recommend starting with pervertables and then making the purchase of any tools or toys something that you do with lots of thought.  Pick out one or two special pieces. Clothing Fetish clothing varies depending upon your interests and roles.  Leather can be used for a variety of things.  Some people love the feel, touch and smell of leather.  There is also the leather lifestyle.  People who identify as part of the leather lifestyle are engaged in power exchange relationships (often Master/slave or Mistress/slave) and follow certain codes.  Most codes include honor, honesty, respect) and most observe a variety of rituals.  Leather for these people is not only sexy and hot but is earned and a means of recognising service.    Some people like the feel of rubber or latex. For latex clothing: http://www.houseofharlot.com [http://www.houseofharlot.com] https://www.pandoradeluxe.com [https://www.pandoradeluxe.com] https://www.atsukokudo.com/Home/ [https://www.atsukokudo.com/Home/] For leather: http://www.fetishwear.com/Welcome.htm [http://www.fetishwear.com/Welcome.htm] http://www.leatheraddicts.com [http://www.leatheraddicts.com] https://www.mr-s-leather.com [https://www.mr-s-leather.com] Good informational sites Jack Rinella’s Leather Views – leatherviews.com Jack Rinella is a free lance author and leather man.  He has written a number of well respected books on various aspects of leather and BDSM. Race Bannon’s site : bannon.com Race Bannon along with Guy Baldwin, MS co-founded Kink Aware Professionals which is a list of helping professionals and legal professionals who are kink aware.  He has spoken at over 400 events, is a founder and board member of a number of leather associations. National Coalition for Sexual Freedom http://ncsfreedom.org [http://ncsfreedom.org] Planet Midori http://www.planetmidori.com [http://www.planetmidori.com]She is a most amazing person and author who has expertise in bondage and power exchange. Society of Janus is San Francisco based and is an organisation that offers BDSM education and support. https://soj.org [https://soj.org] Carter Johnson Leather Library http://leatherlibrary.org [http://leatherlibrary.org] An amazing collection of leather history, reading materials covering kink, BDSM, LGBTQ. Leather Archives and Museum  Incredible collection also ‘dedicated to compilation, preservation and maintenance of leather, kink and fetish lifestyles.’ http://www.leatherarchives.org [http://www.leatherarchives.org] http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html [http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgs.html] They keep listings for BDSM and power exchange groups Exploration is designed to be fun.  It is more likely to be so if you remember some basic rules. Keep yourself safeNew things are really exciting and this stuff can be even more exciting than most new things.  Don’t let the excitement make you forget our basic safety rules.  If you have just met someone online, don’t give them too much personal information.    If you are arranging to meet for the first time, do it in a public place and let people know where you are going.    If you feel something is off, trust your gut and leave.    Don’t talk yourself out of trusting your gut because you think you need to give people second chances.    Don’t meet people at your home and don’t go to their home alone until you are sure that they are safe.  Avoid taking recreational drugs.  Making clear choices is important when you are playing in areas that are risky.  Keep your head clear so you will make good choices.  Limit your alcohol consumption for the same reason.  I choose not to drink and play and I prefer to play with people who are sober. Pace yourself.Don’t try to do everything at once.  Take your time and savour the experience.  Give yourself the space to process your experience afterwards and make sure you have support for when you need it. Remember your social skills.  Use your best social skills – be polite, friendly, listen lots.  Sometimes people get so excited they forget! Understand consent and apply it properly. Don’t touch anyone without getting consent first.  This includes spontaneous hugs, putting your hand on someone’s shoulder.   Understand that people in this world can have different protocols.  Some are very strict.  Don’t assume that everyone will engage with you.  Some people may not be free to do so.  Don’t speak to someone else’s partner without checking first.  If you can’t check and you don’t get a response, don’t assume the person is being rude.  They may not be allowed to talk with anyone.  Think of it like meeting a monk or nun who is under a vow of silence. Take the time to learn how to do things properly.Many activities that you will engage in if you are exploring BDSM and power exchange will involve an increased level of risk.  If you don’t learn how to do things properly, you have a high risk of injuring yourself or someone else.    There are two acronyms regularly used by people who engage in BDSM to describe risk.  The first is Safe, Sane and Consensual.  People who work to this protocol do things in the safest way possible, they don’t take short-cuts and highlight consent.  The second is Risk Aware Consensual Kink.  These folks highlight the fact that all activities have risk and that you must be aware of the risk level of things you are choosing to engage in.  They also highlight consent. Finally, maximise enjoyment. Do everything you can to raise the probability that you will have a brilliant time. Thanks for joining me this week for Sex Spoken Here with Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com [drbisbey@the-intimacy-coach.com], follow me on twitter @drbisbey.  For a free 30 minute strategy session with me, head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com [https://the-intimacy-coach.com] and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you have enjoyed the show, please leave a review on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe!  The top three reviews will receive a copy of my eBook A Consumer’s Guide to Online BDSM Resources.  Join me next week when I will be starting a series on sex toys.

Susan Wright founded the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in 1997, and currently serves as Chairperson and Director of Incident Reporting & Response. Susan also serves on the advocacy committees for AASECT, the Kink Clinician Guidelines, the Kink Knowledgeable Program, and the Diverse Sexualities Research Education Institute. Susan has conducted six surveys on discrimination and violence against BDSM practitioners; consent practices and attitudes; and the mental and physical health of BDSM and non-monogamy practitioners that have been published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, Journal of Sexual Medicine, Journal of Behavioral Health Services & Research, International Journal of Social Psychiatry, Journal of Trauma and Dissociation and Journal of Homosexuality. In this two part talk, we started by speaking about the reasons for founding the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the projects they have been involved in.  Susan talked about the research that NCSF has done on BDSM, relationship styles, polyamory and consent and that these have been the largest surveys done so far.  The research has demonstrated the psychological health of people involved in these alternative relationships and alternative sexual practices and was part of the evidence that caused the APA to modify the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders –V so that the vast majority of people practicing BDSM and/or polyamory no longer qualify for a diagnosis of paraphilia in relationship to their sexual and relationship choices. We spent a lot of time talking about consent incidents and how we as a community identify these, manage these and apply sanctions.  Susan spoke about the groups that they work with.  The NCSF has developed a framework and a lot of resources for community groups and businesses around defining and dealing with consent incidents. We spoke about the NCSF’s role in educating law enforcement, psychologists and other mental health professionals.  NCSF hosts the Kink Aware Professionals list which is an international list of  mental health professionals, medical doctors, lawyers and other professionals who are kink aware.  The NCSF regularly educates professionals about BDSM and other alternative lifestyles and sexual practices. We spoke about how important it is for individuals to be educated about consent and that some of the research that NCSF has done has found that 75% of consent violations happen with people who are in their first 3 years of being involved with BDSM. We spoke about how individuals and groups handle consent incidents and the differences between someone making an error and someone being a repeat offender.  We spoke about needing to get information first hand if you are to make a judgement on a situation and that one of the problems is that often people don’t have first hand information and are being asked to make a judgement.  We spoke about liability for people organising events and conferences and how important education is to limit liability and that decisions around excluding someone from an event are often taken because of liability issues. NCSF has also educated people in the hospitality industry and made it possible for events and conferences to be held at these venues. We finished up recognising that we had not managed to cover all the topics we set out to cover and will be doing another show on custody and divorce soon. Susan Wright can be found at www.ncsfreedom.org [http://www.ncsfreedom.org] Twitter @ncsf Facebook: http:www.facebook.com/NCSFreedom This week we talked about:  Consent violations,   consent definitions, education and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF).  If any topics that we brought up caused you concern or triggered you, please write to me at drloribeth@atozofsex.com [drloribeth@atozofsex.com] and I will help you find resources to resolve your concerns.